THE OFFICIAL "HOW TO WRITE..." GUIDES
THE OFFICIAL "HOW TO WRITE..." GUIDES
Held By: email@example.com
CHARACTER WRITER DATE POSTED
(1) The Fan.dom of the Alt.Ra by Scav ??/??/92
(2) Ultimate Ninja by wReam ??/??/92
(3) Obscure Trivia Lad by Brian ??/??/92
(4) Rebel Yell by Scav ??/??/92
(5) Typo Lad by Scav ??/??/92
(6) Sing Along Lass by Drizzt 11/16/93
(7) Lurking Girl by Tori 11/16/93
(8) Continuity Champ by Drizzt 11/16/93
(9) Pocket Man by Saint 04/26/94
(10) Panta by Hubert 12/07/93
(11) Master Blaster by Martin 03/08/94
(12) Sister State-the-Obvious by Martin 03/08/94
(13) Particle Man by Jameel 03/21/94
(14) Kid Kirby by Jameel 04/25/94
(15) Sarcastic Lad by Saint 04/22/94
(16) Decibel Dude by Tick 04/25/94
(17) Vigilante Guy by Tick 04/25/94
(18) Acton Lord by Dvandom 05/02/94
(19) Kopicat by Dvandom 11/30/94
(20) Load Island Renegades by Badger 11/30/94
(21) Mi-T Big Characters by Charles 25/07/95
(22) Easily Discovered Man & Co. by EDMLite 20/09/95
(23) Fan.Boy by Jamas 12/10/95
THE OFFICIAL HOW TO WRITE THE FAN.DOM OF THE ALT.RA
He is evil. Pure and simple. he is the ultimate collector of memorabilia.
He collects, not to enjoy, or even to get rich off of speculation, but to
posess it all. He has _ALL_ of the LNH merchandise ever made.
He wears a black cloak and half mask.
He shouts, a lot, when he talks, often for no reason. He also gets choked
up while ranting.
He seems to be a fairly low level villain, but he is trully an evil force
with much hidden power. This is seen indirectly (he _was_ able to pull a
character out of an erased story line). He will not kill a net.hero,
instead he will double bag and mount them on his wall.
He wants revenge against REBEL YELL above all else. Yell not only escaped
the Fan.Dom's clutches, he also rescued one of the Fan.Dom's prize
trophies, LURKING GIRL.
I envision the Fan.Dom as an Apocalypse like villain. He seems to be
minor in his early appearences, but he is really a great menace. I shall
be exploring this in 501 BLUES: A LURK OF FAITH.
How Ultimate Ninja Should be Written
"Is there a wrong way?"
I really didn't want to do this but after Jef's wonderful massacre
of Ultimate Ninja I thought that I might as well jump on the BandWAGON!
(ain't I just the cleverest!)
I say that Jef massacred Ultimate Ninja not because he did
something wrong, but because UN is now in a coma as of ES #5. In fact I
liked your interepretation and would say that there is no way of writing
UN wrong, unless he starts doing something completely inappropriate like
falling in love.
Ultimate Ninja is not really a Ninja but a persona that represents
the powers and inconsistensies that come from Oriental lore in general.
(Much due to Japanese Karate films and the comic misinterpretation of what
a ninja can do) For example, Jef was right in saying that Ninja are
assasins and that they kill people. However I might disagree that
Ultimate Ninja would be necessarily a ninja in any sense of the term. As
I state on the roster he possesses any ability that is construed as being
oriental in nature. (Just wait until he starts spewing forth ancient
chinese secrets to Marvel Zombie Boy in COMA.)
If you have ever taken the time to watch a Ninja/Kungfu/Karate
/Martial arts based film you will notice that when the enemy has even a
submachine gun that for some reason he is completely incapable of hitting
the ninja/martial artist. This is the type of character that Ultimate
Ninja emulates best. You and I both know this is the most bogus, untrue
facts and that if you had a gun and a ninja or anytype of martial artist
was being held up that the martial artist wouldn't stand a chance.
Perhaps this is a Zteam special power, but in general guns don't affect
Ultimate Ninja mainly because he can draw upon that skill of not being hit
in a rainshower of bullets. Likewise the manuever, HeartThrob (I have
named it), where Ultimate Ninja reaches into a mans chest and rips out his
heart so that he can see it beat as he dies is completely phoney, in
truth, but Ultimate Ninja does it all the time! (Can you imagine trying
to practice such a manuever?!?) Ninja Bush is the Ultimate Weapon for
Ultimate Ninja. (in real life it is those helicopter like seed pod things
that Maple trees produce that flutter around and get everywhere in the
fall.) It is only usable by Ultimate Ninja, and is sort of an inside joke.
I mean who would use a bush as a weapon, let alone the seeds from it.
Ultimate Ninja is proficient with pretty much anytype of weapon and
carries them all in his clothes. Impossibly but this doesn't matter. (He
is a Ninja.)
Anyhow the whole joke about the character is that because he is
ninja he can pretty much do anything. It is this reason I had him wipe
out the LNH so that you would get about as sick of the genre as I am. I
personally think the martial arts/oriental mysteries thing is quite silly
and am quite opposed to the idea that in order to be a good hero you have
to have some martial art training. This is why in the comics, LNH
especially, I have made it so blatantly opposite. Satirically making fun
of the comic industry that has an irrational fixation on the Ninja/Martial
The Official How to Write Obscure Trivia Lad
(As if you really cared)
Obscure Trivia Lad has the ability to remember the stupidest, silliest,
most obscure, and most irrelevant and unnecessary bits of trivia on
virtually any subject in existence. However, Obscure Trivia Lad has a
nasty tendency to forget IMPORTANT pieces of information when he needs to.
Obscure Trivia Lad is also in the habit of talking about himself in the
third person. He will occasionally refer to himself using pronouns. He
has no objection to other people referrring to him by the acronym OTL, but
will never do so himself.
Obscure Trivia Lad's real body was killed by Pointless Death Man in
Cry.Sig. However, Dr. Killfile put his mind in an android body during the
Cosmic Conspiracy. The android body is made of liquid metal (like the
T-1000 in T2, Warblade in WildC.A.T.S., the spider, and Flipper), but has
lost the ability to shapeshift (although this may only be temporary). The
android body also had certain cosmic powers. These powers, and their
limits, have not yet been defined. (If you wish to define a power, contact
firstname.lastname@example.org first). Obscure Trivia Lad does retain flight, and
Obscure Trivia Lad can spout off any bit of useless trivia you wish him to
(hey, just because *I* might not know it doesn't mean that Obscure Trivia
Lad won't). Obscure Trivia Lad is also a fan of Mystery Science Theater
3000 (just how many MiSTies do we have in the Council of Elders, anyway?),
and can make any reference to MST3K you can think. In fact, the more
obscure and vague the reference, the better.
If you have any questions concerning Obscure Trivia Lad, contact me
through e-mail at email@example.com. That is all.
THE OFFICIAL HOW TO WRITE REBEL YELL
Ahhh, REBEL YELL. The young, dynamic co-leader of the LNH. He takes his
job seriously. He has a reponsibility to the team, and he refuses to let
He shares leadership with the ULTIMATE NINJA (sort of). He likes it this
way. It takes some of the responsibility off his shoulders. He feels
that CC is an excellent net.hero, a little too cosmic, but a right on guy.
He is still a bit wary of the Ninja, possibly having something to do with
the Ninja's bid for leadership resulting in Rebel Yell's death. He is
inclined to luck past the Ninja's eccentricities and trust him, though.
Rebel Yell's power is rarely used durring the course of an adventure.
Rather, he pulls items out of his Bag-o-things-to-throw-at-Nicieza(tm),
which is stored in an hyper-spatial locker until needed. Items that he
has used so far include boisenberry pies, Mardi-Gras Bead Bolos, a
doubloon shield, and pieces of King Cake.
Yell, as he is called by the others (Only LURKING GIRL calls him "Reb") is
generally non-violent. He will not leap into a fight without at least
trying to talk out the problem. In a fight he will try to capture, not
kill. He is not oppossed to killing a foe if neccesary, but a dead man
will tell no tales. He will tend to go berserk in defense of friends or
to avenge their deaths.
Rebel Yell is often confused by the weirdness happening around him. He
can get frustrated easily. Generaly though, he'll put aside his confusion
and get on with the job.
Rebel Yell has no accent, but does address groups as y'all.
He is closest to TYPO LAD, his sidekick, and Lurking Girl. He is the only
being who understands the Lurking Girl/LURKING LASS situation. Currently,
he is struggling to find a way to tell LG what transpired. (A side note:
Generally only Yell, LG, T-Lad, and MULTI-TASKING MAN are aware that LG
and LL were 2 different people. Untill the full story is revealed, they
don't feel it would be prudent to disclose the information.)
If you write Rebel Yell with NIGHTWING (of the New Titans) in mind, you
won't be far wrong.
HOW TO WRITE TYPO LAD by SCAVENGER
TYPO LAD is young, as net.heroes go. While he is considered a
full- fledged member of the LNH, he is still learning the ropes.
He speaks in typos, but he is fully understandable by others. When
writing his dialogue, as many words as possible should be messed up, _but_
they should be _easily_ identifiable to readers. (ex. good example=guhd
eksmple//\\ a bad one=o bak on)
His powers include the ability to translate typos for others, and to
create typos himself. He is NOT all-powerful. He can NOT affect other
characters directly (he was able to kill DADA DUDE in SD due to the excess
of free net.energy caused by ALLUSION LAD's physical form being
re-absorbed into the universe). He CAN effect objects (ex. card game ->
lard gams -> large gun). He will not kill an opponent.
T-Lad has been seen to enjoy playing video games, chasing cute girls, and
hanging out with the other net.heroes.
Also see the Typo Lad Dictionary.
THE OFFICIAL HOW TO WRITE SING-ALONG LASS
By Drizzt (firstname.lastname@example.org)
Sing-Along Lass is by far the most innocent and, to some degree,
naive of the LNHers. She is very much like a child in many aspects of her
personality. She is almost irrepressibly cheerful, though recent
developments have lessened that to a certain degree. Sing-Along Lass has
been known to cry when faced by an attack. As her name suggests, she does
enjoy sing alongs (examples include "On Top of Old Smokey", "Row, Row, Row
Your Boat", etc.). Portraying her as a "girl next door" type isn't far
As far as physical aspects go, she has brown hair and brown eyes.
She has almost no fighting abilities; however, she recently was imbued
with a bit of the Power Kirby and may (or may not) have gained cosmic
abilities from that. For further reference, check any of the Kid Kirby
stories she appears in.
THE OFFICIAL "HOW TO WRITE LURKING GIRL"
The first thing which should be stressed is that Lurking Girl is NOT and
has NEVER BEEN Lurking Lass!!!!!! Nor has she EVER been called Psylurke
(although I did make a parenthetical joke about it in her first
appearance). The former should have been made abundantly clear in _Lurk of
Faith_, but we'll be taking it a little further in the as-yet-nameless
Lurking Girl LS.
Anyways. Lurking Girl (Luri to her closest friends) is intelligent and
level-headed in a crisis, although she is not adverse to a slight tinge of
hysteria if she thinks it'll move things along. She dislikes wasting
time, which makes her appear impatient. Cool, competent, and strong are
good words to keep in mind when writing her. However, she is a very
emotional creature; she keeps that part of her concealed as a general
rule, believing it hinders the performance of her duties as deputy leader
of the LNH. As well, she has grown a sort of shell from having to deal
with the advances of most male LNHers.
Physically, Luri is stunningly beautiful. She is of average height, with
chestnut brown hair a little longer than shoulder length and hazel eyes.
Her costume is a gray spandex jumpsuit, quite low-cut. She also has a
Flight-Thingie (tm), in the shape of an electrum amulet with a strange
design on it.
Luri's powers are invisibility and net.desolidification. When invisible
("lurking"), she cannot be detected by any normal or most abnormal means,
although other lurkers or very sensitive mentalists might be able to
notice her presence. When desolid, she can pass through walls and so
forth, although it is possible (and very expensive) to build a wall which
she can't phase through. She also has problems staying in lurk state
Her primary method of attack is her Lump of Lurk (tm), which is defined as
"the focused totality of her lurking powers." Treat it, for all intents
and purposes, like Psylocke's psychic knife. However, Luri also has some
hand-to-hand combat ability, though she does not use it often.
Her enemies include Fan.dom, of whom she was a prisoner for two months
(and still doesn't know why), Y-Plex Burp (whose plots she foiled in the
Cosmic Plot-Device Caper), and, of course, Lurking Lass. Right now, she
is also unpleased (to put it mildly) with Netlurker, for his advances
THE OFFICIAL HOW TO WRITE CONTINUITY CHAMP
By Drizzt (email@example.com) -- It's long!!!!!
Continuity Champ is a powerful being of extradimensional origins. He was
born Analith Daryth Rath (he hates his first name) in another world. That
dimension was about to be destroyed, so his parents dimensionally shunted
him into another dimension. On an alien planet, he was raised by the
Clarks, a kindly old couple -- until they were killed by ninjas (thus, his
mistrust of ninjas). He discovered his mutant powers and was recruited by
a mutant group -- until they were killed by large robots. A sorceror took
him in as an apprentice -- until the mage was eaten by a demon. He
participated in a super-soldier program for that government involving
nanites in the blood -- until all the participants except him died. He
was stripped of his mutant powers at some point, but continued on fighting
villains and had many as-yet undocumented adventures.
At this point, he was approached by the fabled Knights of Continuity and
chosen to be protector of that dimension. Rath was given the tremendous
cosmic power of a Knight which, coupled with his other skills and powers,
made him one of the most powerful of the Knights. He acted as that
dimension's defender for an unspecified length of time. [Note that his
stewardship was over the "neighboring" dimensions as well.]
It was after this that the dimension-devouring menace of Dimwiticus
returned to his life (Dimwiticus had been the destroyer of his native
dimension). Despite all his power, he was unable to stop Dimwiticus; he
tried calling his fellow Knights for aid, but they declined, saying that
Dimwiticus was a "cosmic balance-keeper". In desperation, CC offered to
become Dimwiticus' herald, an offer which the entity accepted. It should
be noted that the Knights considered this abandonment of his post and
court-martialed him in absentia. He was stripped of his status as a
Knight, though not his power (once given, it cannot be removed until
For a time, he served as Dimwiticus' herald, but at one point turned on
his master. It was some time after this point that he apparently took on
the mantle of Continuity Champ. His mutant powers over all forms of
energy and matter also apparently returned.
Here's where things get fuzzy. Very little has been revealed of him from
this point until the time when he joined the Legion of Net.Heroes. In
fact, his joining of the LNH is itself shrouded in mystery. CC served
ably as co-leader of the LNH for a time, although his cosmic wanderlust
often caused him to take unexplained leaves of absence from the LNH.
However, Dimwiticus returned to his life for a third time. CC perished in
battle against the fiend; the LNH avenged his death by driving Dimwiticus
away. Continuity Champ has apparently recently returned from the dead in
-- as usual -- a mysterious way. He has gaps in his memory (though
whether these have come into being since his death or before is unknown at
this time). One of these gaps concerns the Drizztsat and the Drizzt, both
of whom seem strangely familiar to him. He remains on board the
Drizztsat, hoping that association with the Drizzt will restore his lost
memories (although he's too proud to bluntly ask either the Drizzt or
Judak about them -- he won't admit a weakness).
CC is currently in flux. When he first joined the LNH, he was your
typical mystery man with a cosmic bent. However, as time passed, his
actions and personality assumed a more grim-n-gritty tone. He has come to
question this attitude since his "resurrection". Association with Judak
has also brought out a bit of a lighter side to him; some have noted there
appears to be some romantic attraction between the two of them, though the
truth of this has not yet been born out.
When writing CC, there are several things to keep in mind. First, his
power level seems to fluctuate; nevertheless, he is (usually) virtually
omnipotent. Secondly, he *never* acts silly -- under no conditions. It
is very rare for him to crack a joke. Sarcasm is usually his forte,
though this seems to be changing as well. He always tries to be as
mysterious as possible. CC never admits weakness -- at least not to any
of the LNHers. He tries to keep as distant as possible from people (Judak
being a notable exception), possibly due to his past interactions ending
in the deaths od others.
Physically, he is 6'4" and well built (though far from Ahnold-level). He
wears a costume which covers his entire body. His full facemask has
one-way mirror lenses, and he wears a cape. His costume's colors are
orange, purple, and green.
As far as relationships go, CC does not excel at making friends. Obscure
Trivia Lad was probably the closest of the LNHers to him, and even he
barely knew CC. Kid Kirby and the Champ had an unspoken understanding
between cosmic-level good guys. UN and CC have always had friction
between them; this has worsened considerably since CC's alleged
resurrection. The ninja is suspicious of him and his actions. All in
all, his relations with the LNH (especially an LNH without Rebel Yell) are
very poor for now.
The Drizzt is a source of frustration for CC, as that cosmic
entity acts even more mysterious than he does. Judak, as noted above, is
probably the one being CC terms a friend. RetConan is a constant thorn in
CC's side, as he represents a rival for both leadership and Judak's
affections. CC ignores Loquacious Lad, considering him not worth his time
(the one thing CC and RetConan agree on).
As far as villains go, CC has earned the enmity of the Crossover
Queen (Cry.Sig), Harras the Horrendous (Cry.Sig), Dr. Killfile and the
Cult of the Cosmic Plot-Device (Cosmic Conspiracy), the Anti-Drizzt
(TFW2), the Company (CC&DDs #1), and Squalor (CC&DDs #1).
THE OFFICIAL HOW-TO-WRITE POCKET MAN GUIDE by Saint
Pocket Man has the power to produce virtually anything anyone requires at
any time, regardless of how bizarre the object might be. This can be
written for laughs, or as specific plot devices to further a story. At
times, Pok can become a little confused as to where something is within
his multi-pocketed battlesuit. The King of Cargo is never at a loss for a
plan, he just sometimes requires enough time to find whatever it is he's
looking for or has been asked to find. In non-combat situations, Pok is
FAR more likely to find what he's looking for. His pockets are all
infinitely spaced neo-dimensional warps, which can enclose anything,
regardless of the size of the object. (For instance, he's pulled a star
drive engine out of a small pocket on his sleeve.) No one has yet been
able to count exactly how many pockets Pok has on his outfit.
Pocket Man is a *highly* skilled combatant and warrior, though not quite
on par with Ultimate Ninja, although given the "any-shape" force field
Pok has and can call at a whim, he doesn't necessarily fear the ninja, but
he does respect his abilities. Pok doesn't particularly like Ultimate
Ninja's leadership style, but he never says anything about it ... or at
least he hasn't yet.
Pocket Man is very well educated and has been a net.hero for a very long
time. He doesn't speak in slang and sometimes comes across as a father
figure of sorts, offering sound advice in many scenarios. He's taken a
mentor-type stance with Panta, for instance. He has a mild grudge match
going with Self-Righteous Preacher because of the preacher's attacks and
abuse of the cat girl.
It has already been established that Pocket Man was a young fledgling hero
when Golden Age Typical Super Guy, Old Comics Man and the other Golden Age
heroes were active. Other LNHers find it very curious that this is true,
since Pok doesn't look a day over 25 years old. Several LNHers suspect
that there is much more to Pocket Man than they see.
Pocket Man takes things rather seriously, which is odd considering his
best friend is Sarcastic Lad (see separate How To Write for Sarc) who
seldom takes anything seriously (See Pigs in Space for example).
Pocket Man has excellent natural leadership qualities and frequently leads
field and combat missions. In fact, the only time he becomes even remotely
unsure of himself is around Organic Lass, who still makes his jaw drop and
tongue tied, even though their relationship is very strong. He's just
plain crazy about the woman.
Pocket Man is an amiable, yet dedicated defender of net.justice and a
powerful member of the LNH. His devotion to service is second only to his
love for Organic Lass. Virtually every story Pok appears in has some
reference to his relationship with Ori, be it via dialog or descriptive
Pocket Man is good friends with nearly all of the Net.ropolis Police and
Fire department officials, having made his LNH debut saving hundreds of
innocents from a terrorist bombing at the Net.ropolis Cos-Mall, and
enlisting their aid in the fierce battle with The CluelessMaster, Pocket
Man's arch enemy.
HOW TO WRITE PANTA ------- version 1.0
TYPE: Self-Character (a kind of NWC, but also a kind of WC)
CREATED BY: firstname.lastname@example.org
POWERS: Feline-like powers like Tigra, Feral and Pantha. Very dextrous
ADD.NOTES:Very sexy, slender body; cute face with cat's features. Orange
leopard spotted fur, shading to white on her face, breasts,
stomach. Black-tipped tail. Wears little more than a bodysuit.
Leaves Fanboys panting. Sometimes fights in a Berserker Rage(tm)
Intelligent, naive, must have things explained to her.
GROUP AFF.: Net.Patrol
ENEMIES: Self-Righteous Preacher, Manga Man, Drooling Fanboys.
Panta is one of the cutest, sexiest furry people around, almost
always considerate and attentive. Until she is pushed too far.
Until she is pushed into a BERSERKER RAGE(tm). Then she fights
in the most disgusting, bloody, violent manner possible. She does
not merely punch villians, she shreds them. Behind her, she leaves
torsos, body parts, ripped out throats and rolling heads. (For a
graphic example, see the aftermath of any LOBO fight.) However,
she cannot sustain the BERSERKER RAGE(tm) more than a moment and
afterwards is as weak as a kitten. She will sometimes use a sword.
Mutant. Cat-girl. Panta has the yellow-orange fur of a leopard with
black spots. Her fur shades to cream around her mouth, down her neck,
and across her chest, breasts and stomach. She has a leopard tail
with a black tip. No whiskers, but pale green cat eyes. Her
cat ears are at the sides of her head, partially covered by a
shock of almost white blonde hair.
She usually wears a skin tight body suit, cut low across her
firm breasts and high over her thighs.
She is very beautiful, very sensual, in a savage furry way.
She enjoys swimming, active sports, and cat toys.
She is an anthromorphic animal, a furry.
Background, more details:
For the LNH, she represents 1.) the sexy women that are a part
of every team. (T n' A factor) 2.) the feline/werewolf/mutants
like Pantha (New Titans), Feral (formerly of X-Force), Raine
(X-Factor), Catspaw, (Legionnaires & LSH), but she's cuter.
Her background is not clear. Apparently, she was stolen as a
baby from a starving manga artist. Raised as orphan among the
Morlocks underneath New York city, and is now hoping to break
into mainstream comics. She was kicked out of Dr X's School
for Gifted Youngsters for not being sufficiently powerful. She
is currently starring in Image's 'BloodKitty', another brightly
colored, exceedingly violent, plotless comic.
Manga Man has desired her since her arrival at the Legion of
Net.Heroes. Self-Righteous Preacher despises her. She has been
linked with Pliable Lad, Lost Cause Boy, and Ultimate Ninja in
rumors of sexual misconduct. None are true but her reputation
Back at the Legion of Net.Heroes. 'BloodKitty #1' is a success.
'BloodKitty #2' isn't out yet. Panta is a member of the yet to
meet, Net.Patrol (Panta, Curly, Kid Anarky, Lost Cause Boy (RIP),
and Pliable Lad)
THE OFFICIAL HOW TO WRITE MASTER BLASTER AND SISTER STATE-THE-OBVIOUS
Far be it for me to suggest that anyone is using these characters wrong.
Master Blaster is based on Robert Ramirez who first appeared on
rec.arts.comics.xbooks by saying "Cyclops should dump Jean and hook up
with Psylocke! Psylocke is a BABE!" These two sentences had me
envisualising someone who has an incredibly strong libido but is clueless
as to what constitutes a meaningful relationship. I emailed him
suggesting the character "Lustful Lad", figuring that not only would he be
original and entertaining but would bear an uncanny resemblance to the
real Robert Ramirez. He agreed to the idea provided his name be "Master
Blaster" and he got to carry a BIG gun that he could use to flame people.
Things to keep in mind:
1) Robert Ramirez is Mexican
2) "Superhuman Strength and Agility (combat expert / master marksman)" is
how he describes his character. Can you say "egotistical"? I knew you
3) His BIG gun has "1001 different settings" from "singe" to "CREMATE".
4) Master Blaster is a split personality (meaning that he can suddenly
become highly rational if it suited the plot for him to do so).
wReam created Sister State-the-Obvious to be someone who "does just that".
As a result, I considered her character to be a "blank slate" -- in more
ways than one! To be fair though, she's not really stupid, she's "just
written that way". To me this implies someone who is innocent, perhaps
even naive (and thus doesn't realise what's obvious), but who's hesitant
enough to keep herself out of trouble (unlike her cousin, Sister
SHOUT-the-Obvious ;)). After several apperances, she's also turned out to
be polite, thoughtful and athletic!
THE OFFICIAL HOW TO WRITE PARTICLE MAN
Particle Man, Particle Man, doing the things a particle can...
Basically, Particle Man is a typical genius in his late teens with awesome
power and all the problems that come with them. He real name is Person
Man, and he is an orphan. He is from a seedier side of Net.ropolis known
as 'The Garbage Can'. Physically, Person is of average height and weight
with brown eyes and dark brown hair in desperate need of a cut. His
intelligence is of a level equal to that of Kitty Pryde or Doug Ramsey of
Marvel comics. His original costume was a yellow wrestler's outfit with a
stylized atom on the chest, but he has since changed to a new costume, a
black skiing outfit with combat boots, a black leather trenchcoat, and
wraparound mirrorshades. Person's attitude is normally outgoing, ready to
take whatever life throws at him. However, stresses in his life of late
have caused him to take on a decidedly more bitter outlook on life,
generally expressed by severe pummelling of villains. He once pursued a
relationship with Sing-Along Lass, but she informed him that their
relationship was purely platonic. He hasn't taken it well.
Below is a list of Particle Man's myriad powers. Note that he has two
distinct sets of powers. One set is his particle powers, a mutant ability
brought out by the event that gave him his second set of powers, the
TheyMightBeGiants abilities, which are mystical in nature. His mystical
powers were granted by a cosmic entity known as Size of the Entire
Universe Man, who may or may not be a manifestation of Interneternity.
The granting came in the form of a frying pan which struck Person in the
head at orbital velocity.
Particle Powers: Person is, in effect, a macroscopic particle. He is
able to control Planck's constant in his immediate area in order to employ
the Heisenberg uncertainty principle macroscopically. He is also able to
control his own spin angular momentum. Use of these powers tires him out
after a few minutes of continuous use.
TheyMightBePowers: These powers are mystical in nature and, as such, have
an almost negligible drain on Particle Man's stamina. The following is a
list of all TheyMightBeGiants powers that Particle Man or another user of
TheyMightBePowers has used to date.
They Might Be Giants:
Put Your Hand Inside the Puppet Head-Particle Man throws a puppet
head, and his target is forced to put it's hand inside it.
Hide Away Folk Family-Particle Man can make folk families run and
32 Footsteps-32 footsteps led to the room where the paint doesn't want
to dry in the HQ of TheyMightBeVillains (destroyed).
Nothing's Gonna Change My Clothes-Particle Man can summon a snowman
with protective rubber skin. Particle Man can also throw a domino that
falls on different dots and crashes into anything that tries to make it
Rabid Child-Rabid Child, leader of Pencil Rain. Particle Man has
shown an aversion to using powers manifested by others who tap the
TheyMightBePower source. Hammer Down, member of Pencil Rain. Particle Man
can create a sledgehammer. His strength and dexterity increase while
using it, but he isn't at powerful as Hammer Down.
Boat Of Car-Used by TheyMightBeVillains. Also used by Substitute Lad
to make a boat that could drive like a car.
Chess Piece Face-Leader of TheyMightBeVillains (deceased).
Cage & Aquarium-Particle Man can create giant cages and aquariums.
Where Your Eyes Don't Go-Substitute Lad unerringly found the ideal
hiding spot and was able to insult people without them knowing.
Pencil Rain-The merger of the villain group Pencil Rain.
The World's Address-Particle Man always knows in which reality he is,
can navigate between realities, and never gets lost.
I've Got A Match-Flame powers hinted at by Cig.Lad.
They'll Need A Crane-Particle Man can manifest a full-sized crane.
Shoehorn With Teeth-Substitute Lad made a shoehorn with teeth that
could attack by biting.
Theme From Flood-Former member of TheyMightBeVillains, now known as
Birdhouse In Your Soul-Blue Canary, Particle Man's advisor, who lives
in the outlet by the lightswitch and in a birdhouse in Particle Man's
soul. Constellation also has a little glowing friend, Dot, former member
of the Secret Dvanders.
Lucky Ball & Chain-Particle Man can create a ball and chain that is
used as a weapon. Particle Man's strength and dexterity increase while
using the ball and chain. Lucky Ball & Chain, member of
Particle Man-Triangle Man, member of TheyMightBeVillains (deceased).
Size of the Entire Universe Man, possible embodiment of TheyMightBePowers.
We Want A Rock-By using a piece of string and a rock to wind the string
around, Particle Man creates a sling or bolas-like weapon. His strength
and dexterity increase while using this power.
Someone Keeps Moving My Chair-Mr. Horrible and the Ugliness Men, former
members of TheyMightBeVillains.
Sapphire Bullets of Pure Love-Particle Man can create a gun that
induces intense, temporary love for him in a target.
Mr. Klaw-Mr. Klaw, member of TheyMightBeVillains (deceased).
My Evil Twin-Particle Man can create an evil twin who MIGHT fight
alongside him. Flood's evil twin (deceased), who usurped leadership of
TheyMightBeVillains for a time.
Mammal-Mammal, member of Pencil Rain.
Hall of Heads-Place where Chess Piece Face kept his alternate heads
See The Constellation-Constellation, formerly Flood, associate of the
LNH and former member of the Secret Dvanders.
Hypnotist of Ladies-Hypnotist, member of Pencil Rain.
The Sun-The Sun, member of Pencil Rain.
Blue Canary is an energy being in the form of a blue canary. Blue is
invulnerable to most forms of attack and, thus, is nearly unfazeable.
Blue can become intangible at will, and, in fact, that is his normal
state. Blue's job is only to advise, so he won't actively participate in
anything. Blue has a vast knowledge of things in general, but is
purposely vague most of the time so that Particle Man will think things
out for himself.
THE OFFICIAL HOW TO WRITE KID KIRBY
Appearance: Kid Kirby is always clad in bulky armor that resembles
that of the Celestials. This is full body armor that reveals nothing of
the being within. Kid Kirby is extremely reluctant to remove his armor,
and, when he does so, he invariably coats himself in coppery 'cosmic
glaze', making him appear as a copper Silver Surfer. Sing-Along Lass is
the only person who has ever seen Kid Kirby's true appearance, and this is
the way it shall forever be, for Kid Kirby is the archetypical 'cosmic
Kid Kirby's height varies from 6'4 up to about 7'. His height changes
so that he is always the tallest humanoid of 'normal' height in a given
location. This changing height isn't accompanied by a visible growth, it
Powers: Kid Kirby is the Avatar of the 'Power Kirby', a cosmic force
of immesurable power. Kid Kirby has the standard abilities of firing
energy blasts, flight, resistance to damage, and the ability to survive in
space, soar unfettered through the myriad pathways of hyperspace, etc.
Kid Kirby chooses to manifest these powers through his armor, as an
expression of his Kirbian nature. He is able to use these powers without
his armor, but is loathe to do so.
The second power is the ability to build technology by pulling
individual components from the 'Kirby Zone', a chaotic dimension filled
with floating eyeballs, random planets, clocks melting down trees, and
other things you would find in an early Marvel alternate dimension. These
devices take time to build, however, so Kid Kirby usually plans ahead,
packing whatever he feels he'll need. Kid Kirby's tech is always exotic,
and he will never build something simple. The Doctor Doom boxed set for
the Marvel SuperHeros roleplaying game is an excellent source of Kirbian
technology. Anything that is pulled from the 'Kirby Zone' is dependent on
the 'Power Kirby' to remain in this dimension. Thus, it must be in the
vicinity of Kid Kirby or Sing-Along Lass, or it will spontaneously return
to the 'Kirby Zone'. Kid Kirby's genius is such that he can build things
by conventional means, but is more restricted by the physical laws of
reality. He can return his tech to the 'Kirby Zone' at will.
The 'Power Kirby' makes Kid Kirby look extremely heroic through the
use of foreshortening and significant Kirby poses.
Kid Kirby also has the ability to create 'Boom Tubes', hyperspatial
conduits that link two locations in realspace. 'Boom Tubes' appear as
tubes at the entry and exit points, and they appear and disappear with a
loud BOOM, thus, the name. Kid Kirby rarely uses 'Boom Tubes' due to the
extreme drain they place on his powers. 'Boom Tubes' are activated by
using a 'Mother Box', a small, powerful computer.
Armor: Kid Kirby's armor is not removable by any mortal effort, due to
the 'Power Kirby', and is rumored to have numerous failsafes and booby
traps so that, even if someone were to bypass the 'Power Kirby', they
would still be endangering themselves and several cubic miles by tampering
with the armor. The armor has a link to the powerful computer in Kid
Herald: Due to a mishap involving Kid Kirby healing a mortally wounded
Sing-Along Lass, a miniscule fraction of the 'Power Kirby' was transferred
to Sing-Along Lass, and she became Kid Kirby's herald. The two are linked
on a subconscious level, but Sing-Along Lass recieved no other powers.
However, she is a likely candidate for the 'Power Kirby' if Kid Kirby were
to die. Due to recent events, there is tension between Sing-Along Lass
and Kid Kirby. See 'How To Write Sing-Along Lass' for further details on
Relations to other LNHers: Kid Kirby gets along fairly well with most
of the Legion. He and Continuity Champ share a cosmic understanding and
won't get in each other's way. Kid Kirby is a teacher to Particle Man and
is somewhat close to the other scientific Legionnaires. To the others, he
is aloof, perhaps even intimidating.
Retcons: Kid Kirby has a unique reaction to retcons, in the form of
KirbyBots. These are robots that resemble and behave like Kid Kirby in
every way. Neither biological, psionic, nor magical scans will reveal a
KirbyBot as such. Only in the presence of Kid Kirby or other KirbyBots
will they reveal their true nature. Naturally, KirbyBots do not have
access to the 'Power Kirby', but they are powerful, nevertheless. Any
time that Kid Kirby behaves in some way contrary to his nature, it is most
likely a KirbyBot. In fact, any appearance of Kid Kirby could be a
KirbyBot, except for those times when it is obviously Kid Kirby (the time
he showed Sing-Along Lass his true face, for instance).
Further Notes: Due to his cosmic nature, Kid Kirby is given to long
windedness and megalomania. Kid Kirby's room in the Legion HQ is larger
on the inside than it is on the outside, due to it's multi-dimensional
nature. The room formerly belonged to Continuity Champ. For other cosmic
entities of the Looniverse, please see 'Kid Kirby's Guide to the Cosmos'
and Constellation's addendum to same. If you write Kid Kirby as you would
write Doctor Doom, Silver Surfer, or Darkseid, you can't go far wrong.
HOW TO WRITE SARCASTIC LAD
The best I can tell you is to read both "The Secret Origin of Sarcastic
Lad" and "Pigs In Space I & II." They contain definitive and typical
Sarcastic Lad action and dialogue.
Remember, Sarc's kinda/sorta in love. But that doesn't stop him from being
a letch, pervert and otherwise quasi-moral individual.
Sarc is very Groucho Marx in character and personality, with a tad of Don
Rickles thrown in to show that there are no limits to tastelessness,
except for his threshhold for pain (See Pigs in Space).
BUT!!! (Can't stress that enough) Sarc is an EXTREMELY loyal and
dependable member of the LNH, particularly to his fellow Saint Squad
members, and Token Girl.
He LOVES to taunt Ultimate Ninja, and is either unafraid of Ninj's (Sarc
ALWAYS calls him "Ninj" because Ninj hates it) retribution, or just
doesn't care because the demon possessing him isn't terribly concerned
about a simple ninja. However, as a result of this, Sarc routinely gets
clocked by UN, and just about every female he encounters.
Sarc is generally pessimistic, but this is balanced by a willingness to
leap into the middle of any situation, because he knows he's a hero and
"That's just the kind of thing we hero-types do."
Sarc's weapon, which he hasn't used much of late, is to paralyze an
opponent with sarcasm, insults and general taunting behavior. Somehow,
Sarc also seems QUITE aware that he's in a "comic book" and that there are
writers out here controlling the LNH's actions. Sarc will frequently make
reference to his "clown creator" or "that pinhead Saint," etc. But
CAUTION, this only works with a very well known joke or widely known
inside joke. Once his power's been invoked and successful, Sarc likes to
get in up close and personal with some bare-fisted attitude adjusting,
which he's *very* good at.
Sarc can be impatient, but cautious; heroic, yet reluctant.
But overall, Sarcastic Lad is an excellent tool for plot development and
HOW TO WRITE DECIBEL DUDE
Decibel Dude really likes being a superhero. It's his calling in life,
some- thing he's always wanted to do. Sometimes he tends to take his
heroing duties a little too seriously. Occasionally, he will lapse into
one of those long Captain America-type speeches about the rigors of being
a superhero and the responsibilities involved.
On the other hand, he is also a consummate wisecracker. He deeply enjoys
making smartass remarks of every shade, especially when they're directed
towards Vigilante Guy. Also, when needs be, D-Dude is willing to break the
While he does have great powers, D-Dude actually prefers down-and-dirty
hand to hand combat. He is not above using his powers to give him an edge,
however. One of his favorite manouvers is the Supersonic Whomp Upside The
Head. He will channel a good deal of sound energy into one oh his hands
and release it just as he cuffs his intended victim on the back of the
In his secret identity of Nicholas Eggbeater, D-Dude spends a lot of time
with his girlfriend, Samantha Spoon (she will turn up in D-Dude & V-Guy
#6). They have a pretty solid relationship, but Samantha really hates
being kidnapped by super-villains. D-Dude likes keeping his private life
away from his hero life, and it really smegs him off when the two mix.
D-Dude really, really hates Dr. Oblivion. Reeeeeeally hates him.
D-Dude also does not suffer fools gladly. Which is why he doesn't like
hanging around with Vigilante Guy. For the most part, though, D-Dude's
D-Dude's favorite TV show is Mystery Science Theater 3000, with Red Dwarf
and Black Adder coming in a close second. He listens incessantly to Warren
Zevon, U2, XTC, and Billy Pilgrim.
HOW TO WRITE VIGILANTE GUY
Vigilante Guy is comic relief. Admittedly, he ends up doing heroic things,
but the fact is, the guy's a moron. V-Guy dresses as a motorcycle cop from
Hell (picture the guy from that Super Force TV show and you've got a good
V-Guy uses the secret identity of Rex Dart when he's not at LNHQ or on
patrol. Rex Dart is a false identity created by Simon Devious. V-Guy was
born Irving Schmendal, an accountant. However, all his memories of this
time have been wiped out.
V-Guy has a lot of guns. A lot a lot. Soooo many guns. Even he doesn't
know where he puts them all (there have been theories, some of them
unprintable--one theory states that Simon Devious somehow managed to
duplicate Pocket Man's powers and gave them to Vigilante Guy. This has not
been proven). And he likes using them. Vigilante Guy would much rather
blow an opponent away than even try to reason with them. Actually, he
doesn't kill 'em, just shoots 'em away from vital organs and arteries.
V-Guy is basically a comedy version of the Punisher. He enjoys using
variations on Stallone's line from "Cobra". (i.e. "Crime is a donut, and
I'm the milk you wash it down with.")
When he's not shooting criminals, V-Guy enjoys watching action movies. Bad
action movies. Like American Ninja 4. V-Guy also thinks Decibel Dude is
sort of a wuss. (So D-Dude often has to remind him of the savage beating
V-Guy received at his hands in #3.)
V-Guy doesn't really break the fourth wall that much, although he
occasionally gets into fist-fights with the narrator of the stories.
Official How To Write Acton Lord - May 2, 1994 Edition
This is classified information.
[Read - Acton Lord is currently reserved, so you can't use him anyway :) ]
How to Write Kopikat - copyright 1994 by Dave Van Domelen
Kopikat is from the RoboMACs Universe, one set in the 2160s.
Humanity has been reduced to only a few million people by the actions of
the "evil" MACE faction, these remnants being protected by the "good"
Guardian faction. Kopikat was once a human named Kathy "Kat" Anders,
although she often gave false last names. The reason behind this, and
behind her being scanned into a RoboMAC body, is tied up in some traumatic
event involving the death of her father, a death she blames the Guardians
for. For several decades she acted as a freelance spy, until she was
finally hated by everyone and forced into hiding in the Wastelands area of
Luna. When Acton Lord entered the RoboMACs Universe seeking recruits
(Constellation #18) she used her stealth powers to tag along. Attempting
to obtain protection from the MACErs Acton Lord was in league with, she
assumed a human form and attempted (and failed utterly) to seduce Sig.Lad.
Once her secret was out and the Robot Invasion foiled (Constellation
#21-24) she dropped the pretense. Her poor "people skills" and lack of
judgment in human size (see POWERS) have her on probation with the LNH
already, and it's probably only a matter of time before she's kicked out
or quits. And this is a group that keeps Sarcastic Lad around.
Kopikat's body is a rarity among RoboMACs, combining several advanced
systems (further augmented as the price for her services over the decades)
designed for espionage. She can shunt over 90% of her mass into
gravitational pockets (whereas few RoboMACs shunt more than 5% at once,
usually weapon systems or spare parts) and completely control the shape of
her body, which is composed of millimeter-sized 'cells' capable of fusing
to give structural strength and armor. Holographic and audio sampling
systems built into her 'skin' cells allow her to complete the illusion of
her new appearance as well as turn nearly invisible and inaudible. She
also has limited non-visible spectrum shielding so that she can
convincingly hide as an inanimate object. Close scrutiny will reveal the
deception, however. She is able to override security systems devised by
advanced robotic life forms, so few Looniversal systems can even make her
break her stride. In many respects, she is the RoboMAC equivalent of the
perfect ninja (as opposed to the Ultimate Ninja). Additionally, she has
greater control over her memory systems than most RoboMACs and is capable
of forgetting things (which can be useful).
However, since so many of her systems were added on after the initial
construction of her body, they don't mesh well with her main combat and
personality functions. Mass shunted into the gravity pocket is not
causally connected to her...which means she can't use it. Memory banks
and energy systems are her bulkiest non-shifting systems, and often have
to be partly shifted away when she shrinks to near human size (which is
her minimum safe size). Thus, in human form she is considerably less
agile, less strong, less armed and less intelligent than normal. She
retains her security bypass skills in small form (for obvious reasons) but
not necessarily the wisdom on when not to use them. In order to employ
her full combat capacity, she must grow to nearly full size (about 8
meters tall in humanoid form).
Her original body was designed to transform into a panther form
(about 3.5 meters tall at the shoulder, 6 meters long) with teeth and
claws. The tail of the panther form can be used as an electrowhip either
attached to her hindquarters or detached and held in her hand. Her speed
and agility in both humanoid and panther forms is unbelieveable, nearly on
a par with Ultimate Ninja's (although she presents a bigger target and is
thus somewhat easier to hit). Her armor isn't very thick for a RoboMAC,
but makes her one of the harder LNHers to hurt (in Hero Games terms,
figure 10 PD/ED armor and 15 more nonresistant PD/ED). Her electrowhip
can easily shock a normal person into unconsciousness or stun a RoboMAC
for a moment, but is more of a distracting weapon than anything else, her
main purpose in combat being to get away most times. In addition, she can
form claws that rend steel at any size.
In human size, she can still lift a ton or two, but weighs 200kg
because she's still metal and plastic. She's no more agile than a normal
human, but bullets will bounce off her.
Enigmatic, coming from living so long on her own and on the run.
Will lie almost by reflex action, and is still learning how to trust
people again. As mentioned above, her judgment is impaired when she's not
at full size, and combined with old behavior patterns, this makes her
likely to use violence on people with little provocation. Has deeply
buried angst regarding her father, the details of which have yet to
surface. Cracks wise and other general coping mechanisms. Still
adjusting to this new world.
The sorta Kinda official well, I guess I mean yeah, these are pretty
official, or at least as official as anything __GET ON WITH IT!!!__The
Guide To Successfully Writing The Load Island Renegades. By The Badger.
A) Be the Tick. He writes them better than I.
B) Remember, this is a team with one driving force behind it: The complete
inability of Swordmaster's dad to realize that his son has his own life.
Think of Dad as a cross between Hannibal from the A- Team and Nancy
Kerrigan's agent. Always he looks for some way to try to get Swordy and
the LIR involved in any kind of crisis. If every single villain in the
entire Looneyverse was loose and had wiped out the LNH, he'd try to send
Swordmaster to stop them. He has no concept of what his sons hopes and
dreams are. And he's exposed himself to so much radiation that he exposes
cameras and sets off geiger counters.
Swordmaster himself is pretty easy to get a handle on. Imagine putting
Night Thrasher or Batman in charge of the Zoo Crew. He has a short temper,
a semi-acerbic wit, and the luck of the Irish. His powers result from all
the things his father did to himself. David (Swordy's real name) wants to
be a columnist for the professional swordsman's press, writing freelance
articles to pay his way through college. (He'd have graduated ages ago if
his father wouldn't keep pushing him to fight crime.) He's twenty, and is
starting to stand up to his dad, but unbeknownst to himself he also is
beginning to like Crimefighting. (He will never, NEVER admit this.) He
finds his powers kind of silly. "I"m strong and fast, can leap and jump
real well, can make swords out of energy, and...oh yeah..I can taste food
from a distance. STOP LAUGHING!" His costume is Spandex, and always rides
up on him in those hard to reach areas for comedic effect only. Also,
after a recent encounter with Decibel Dude, he sometimes accidentally
breaks the fourth wall, and finds it "creepy". He's the one serious
character in the zoo of a team he _leads._
CAW is another fairly simple character. Watch MST3K. Imagine Crow with
limitless firepower, the ability to fly, and super strength. Not pretty,
is it? He has a phobia about worms, thinks everybody he talks to is
somehow either a cast character or a character from one of the movies
lambasted on MST3K. CAW is basically a sarcastic battlemachine, used by
the team to soften opposition up. He also makes a mean waffle.
The Squealing Flying Rodent, on the other hand, is one sick little puppy.
He's got NO powers, very little training, a heavy bat costume, and a
utility belt he bought at an army-navy surplus store. He thinks his
parents were killed in a mugging twelve years ago. Actually, they are both
still alive, and he lives in their house, but he pretends that they are a
butler and maid who raised him after the tragic nonevent. He EXISTS to be
pummeled into jelly and look grim. Also, every so often he has a good
idea. If the team is really up s@#t creek, he may bail them out, but it is
Digressor. Ahh, good ol' Geoff Geoffrey. Some have suggested he is an
immortal man, living for centuries. (Aeneas Boddy has not been reached for
comment.) Some say he isn't human at all, but an obscure near-deity of
useless obscurity and maddening unconnection. The fact is, everything can
and does remind him of something else, and once he gets going, it is
almost impossible to stop him. He's actually one of the more potent LIR
members, as his powers have halted both an exiled demon and a
pseudoGodling, but the sheer annoying weight of his presence makes him
almost more trouble than he's worth. For an idea of how to handle him,
think of the most educated lit professor you have ever met. Cross him with
the dean of History and the specialist on folklore and mythology, and set
the blender on 'Puree'. That's the Digressor.
Finally, there is the Radiant Rollerblader, my dig at the Silver
Surfer/New God type character. He wields the POWER SORTA-COSMIC, allowing
him to do nearly-impressive feats at will. He carries a blue glowing
Goalie hockey stick, is covered in blue Cosmic Glaze, and can rollerblade
the pipelines of space and time. He was exiled to earth by Da'Jaconar, his
master, when he failed to laugh at a joke quickly enough. He wants to be
Wayne Gretzsky, but save for the similarities of his semi-power to the
gear of a hockey player, can't play the game at all. He's like that kid
who always quotes the stats but never gets out on the ice. Hangs with the
LIR because they are the only people on earth he knows.
Enemies? Well, the Load Island Renegades have made quite a few foes. Their
recurring villain is Frank, a demon fom hell exiled for his total
inability to corrupt the souls of the living. He has set up a puppet cult
called S.H.A.S.T.A to try and turn the clock on popular culture back to
1975. Not a nice guy. Has a gatorade fixation.
MARZ is a real heavy hitter, also known as an enemy of DECIBEL DUDE. Marz
likes to drive a Net.hero whacky, jump up his powers and turn him loose,
and then find a totally useless dweeb to replace the crazed hero in
question. Another way he goes about it is to make a Doppelganger of the
hero he wishes to replace. See the SWORDMASTER/DECIBEL DUDE-DECIBEL
Well, That ought to do it. If you want to use them, go ahead, just e-mail
me the product before you post it so I can comment on any glaring flaws.
The Official Mi-T Big Guide
1.) Note spelling. Capitalise the "L"'s and lower case everything
right: aLLiterative Lass or
AllITERATIVE lASS (for CAPTAIN CAPITALIZE)
wrong: Alliterative Lass
2.) Though currently beyond the ability of the Mi-T Big editing staff
to handle, she speaks _only_ in alliterative phrases. This means
that the same CONSONANT SOUND is used repetitively in the
a.) _only_ the alliterative consonants should be capitalised in
a line of her speech.
right: Peter Piper Picked a Peck....
wrong: Peter Piper picked a peck....
Peter Piper picked a Peck....
peter piper picked a peck....
b.) alliteration works on _sound_ not _letter_ (despite its
right: Seedy Celery
wrong: Campy Celery
Note: I like alliteration, and use it fairly frequently. I must say,
in warning, that aLLiterative Lass is very difficult to have say
anything because of the restriction on her speech. As a result,
I tend to avoid the problem by making other characters carry the
Note2: For more information on alliteration (how it works, what it is)
see either the commentary on the translation of "Sir Gawain and
the Green Knight" by JRR Tolkien or write me and I will give an
New Look Lass:
There's not a lot to New Look yet. She's kinda pretty, but not
spectacular and she has the ability to create the "ultimate
costume" for _any_ net.hero. She tends to change outfits more
often then others, and I try to describe them when I think about
it. Her best friend (by definition) is aLLiterative Lass.
New Look Lass is pretty docile normally. She will give advice to
net.heroes who wish it, but does not actively attempt to force
her knowledge of fashion and style on the rest of the Legion.
Note that since her net.ability is to create the _perfect_
costume for any net.hero, it can be supposed that anyone who sees
a creation made by her for them will be overjoyed to wear it
because it fits them perfectly both emotionally and physically.
One could therefore deduce that she would not need to try to
force her tastes on anyone else as her fashions are perfect for
the person wearing the costume not her or the rest of
---------HOW TO WRITE EASILY-DISCOVERED MAN----------------------------------
(to the tune of "Theme from the Brady Bunch")
Here's the story, of a mad Professor
Who would scrutinize his comic books for hours
He wanted to be a great net.hero
But had no super powers
Here's the story, of a lad named Hector
Who had street smarts and a sharp wit for his age
He was searching for paid employment
Higher than min-imum wage ([CRACK!] Yah!)
Then that one day the Professor met with Hector
And they happened on a half-concocted plan
That Hector would be the new sidekick
Of the Prof -- or Easily-Discovered Man
-Discovered Man, -Discovered Man,
That's why he's Easily-Discovered Man...
For most of his life, Professor Theodore Wong has wanted to be a super-
hero more than anything else in the world. That's why, at a time in his life
when other men his age were raising their second child or investing in quick-
yielding derivatives, Wong doused himself with radiation in hopes of gaining
super powers. As Easily-Discovered Man, Wong does have the power to glow in
the dark and be detected by anyone with a geiger counter at a distance of ten
miles or less. His only real power, however, is his steadfast conviction to
pursue what he believes is the life of the ideal super-hero.
Easily-Discovered Man will always do what he considers to be "the
heroic thing." While in all other circumstances the Professor is an
intelligent, rational individual with great reserves of understanding and
depth, he becomes an utter fanatic when confronted with any situation
which seems to require the abilties of a super-hero. Wong will charge
blindly ahead regardless of danger, expense, or practicality if he
believes it is something that Captain America or Superman would be likely
As a super-hero, Easily-Discovered Man believes it his his duty to
affect an heroic style of speaking. He will always use the longest, most
descriptive words possible in his everyday speech, and will never pass up
the opportunity to pontificate about the nature of good and evil, the
myriad trials and duties of a super-hero, or any other topic which happens
to cross his mind. While the things Professor Wong says are often
illuminating and insightful, the way in which he says them can be
Although he has the grace of a gentleman and the mind of a master
scholar, Easily-Discovered Man has the taste of a Las Vegas decorator.
His costume is frighteningly garish, and his vehicle -- the
Easily-Discovered Van -- is beyond the limits of human speech to describe.
While many super- heroes (and villains) dismiss Easily-Discovered Man as
an addle-brained fool with the heroic prowess of a Chia Pet, others
respect and some actually admire his single-minded devotion to his goals.
The Professor, in turn, has the greatest degree of admiration for all
fellow super-heroes, and will do anything he can to support and defend
them whenever possible.
=======HOW TO WRITE EASILY-DISCOVERED MAN LITE===============================
Q: What motivated you to become a super-hero sidekick?
EDML: Seven-fifty an hour, plus benefits. For that kind of motivation,
I'd have become a computing assistant.
Q: How would you describe your relationship with Easily-Discovered Man
-- the man you refer to as "the Prof?"
EDML: Well, he dresses like he's on crack, he regularly involves both of
us in situations we have no hope of surviving, and hanging around him will
probably give me cancer. All in all, I'd say he's probably the best boss
I've ever had.
Q: What other super-heroes have influenced you in your career?
EDML: Let's see...Ultimate Ninja told me once the world would be better
off if I were to accidentally stumble into a grain thresher, but I think he
was an evil clone at the time. I also watched the Spider-Man cartoon once.
Does that count?
Q: What do you feel is symbolized by the fact that you choose not to wear
EDML: The fact that for $7.50 an hour, I'll wear what I damn well please.
Sure, the Prof has gotten on my case about it a few times, but I tell him
that my baseball cap is really an alien symbiote and he leaves me alone.
Q: Why do you feel the need to make what are generally regarded as bad
jokes in every situation, no matter how inappropriate? Is this some kind of
inner insecurity, or are you simply a smartass?
EDML: What kind of a name is Q, anyway?
Q: How do you feel about the other members of the Legion of Net.Heroes?
EDML: Well, Particle Man is okay, he just needs to lighten up. Master
Blaster and Sarcastic Lad are great to hang around with, but you can't really
have a conversation with them. I thought Decibel Dude was all right, but
I haven't seen him since he went nuts and tried to kill Catalyst Lass.
Mouse...is all right. I was a little intimidated by her at first, but now...
Frat Boy is the best. I don't know where my Friday nights would be without
him around, and I don't remember a Saturday morning since I've met him.
Sig.Lad is dead, and I don't really know the rest of the Legion too well.
Q: What do you see ahead of you in your super-hero career? What are your
goals? What do you think of as your achievements so far?
EDML: If I'm alive at the end of the day, and no one I know has been
mutated into a giant transforming robot, baked into a mind-controlling
waffle, or developed into a character too deep for me to relate to, I feel
I'm doing okay. I'd like to keep doing this for a while, if only because
I get to occasionally save the world and it beats the hell out of retail.
===================HOW TO WRITE SUBSTITUTE LAD===============================
Since the day he turned thirteen, Jack "Shemp" Truman has had the ability
to take on the powers of any other being who happened not to be around at the
moment. For the most part, Jack -- or Substitute Lad, as he's been known
since joining the Legion of Net.Heroes -- has chosen other net.heroes as
beings to "fill in" for. However, there is no reason why Substitute Lad
could not mimic the powers of a super-villain, a natural athlete, or a
fictional hero when the occasion calls for it.
In fact, there seems to be no real limit to Substitute Lad's power. As
revealed in the "Substitute Lad" mini-series, Jack's "duplicating" powers are
really a self-imposed limitation designed to keep him from being overwhelmed
by his true abilities, which remain, for the most part, unknown. As part of
his self-limitation, Substitute Lad will never duplicate the powers of the
same being more than once. The length of time Substitute Lad is able to
duplicate a being's powers varies inversely with the power level of the
being -- while he could duplicate the abilities of Easily-Discovered Man
indefinitely, he could only muster the powers of Continuity Champ for a
minute and a half at best.
Substitute Lad cannot duplicate the powers of beings whose abilities are
created by technology -- like Irony Man -- and he can only approximate a
shadow of magical abilities or the awesome force of the Power Kirby. His
appearance does not change when adopting another being's power, unless that
appearance is a part of that being's abilities, like Constellation or the
Invisible Incendiary. He will not duplicate the powers of a being who is
in the vicinity.
Substitute Lad's duplication of powers is also based upon what
Substitute Lad *thinks* that being's powers are, not what they actually may
be. He has so far duplicated the following heroes (and cannot do so again):
Pointless Awards Man
Shokk, the Electric
Special Bonding Boy
Useless Background Character Lad
Using another being's powers "burns" Substitute Lad "out" for a short
time afterwards, making it impossible for him to access another being's
powers right away. Because he can only use each set of powers once,
Substitute Lad prefers to use lesser powers in an innovative way rather than
blast his way out of situations by using the abilities of the net's most
Because he feels his abilities are not his own, Substitute Lad has very
little confidence in himself and his role as a super-hero. He feels inferior
to other heroes, and sometimes tries to impress others by swaggering, showing
off, or otherwise making an idiot out of himself. He is likely to follow
those with strong, decisive personalities. He has a good heart, however,
and will rise to the occasion when the chips are down.
Substitute Lad wears a blue and black costume with red piping, something
on the order of what the Krypton Man's outfit would look like if designed
by Nike. Women consider him attractive, but he doesn't see himself that way.
He is friends with and respects Old Comics Man and knows many of the other
Legionaires, though not very well.
Easily-Discovered Man, Easily-Discovered Man Lite, and Substitute Lad
are (c) the author.
The Official How-To-Write Fan.Boy
by Jamas Enright
He was originally a university student by the name of Barry Knewbee, but
was pulled across realities, due the Peril Room fractaling normal reality,
and arrived on alt.comics.lnh (Actually, only a copy of his conscioucness
was pulled across. As far as Barry Kneubee could tell, he was
disorientated for a moment, but soon recovered.)
Arriving in the Peril Room, he showed a lot of knowledge of past
events, and a fannish tendency towards those he met, and was named
Fan.Boy due to this.
He stands 5 ft 7, clad in a red spandex outfit, with a belt striped
yellow on top and white below. On his chest is a large white spot in
the middle, which has an "F.B" logo in yellow going diagonally from top
left to bottom right. He also wears a blue cape. He has no mask, but does
sport large thick-rimmed glasses and thick, short black hair.
His one offensive power is to literally stun people with his ability to
pronouce punctuation. (Just imagine being able to pronouce every bracket
of a LISP program.) This stuns everyone who can be stunned (excluding
robots, deaf people, or emotionless beings) for an amount of time
proportional to the amount of punctuation pronouced. (ie. more
punctuation, more time stunned.) However, this also effects the Writer,
so when ever Fan.Boy stuns, a few lines are given blank to indicate the
Writer's stunnedness. (The actions of beings not stunned are given
during this time in brackets.)
Fan.Boy links into rec.humor.oracle and says:
} #include "
(The robot waits for others to respond.)
(Fan.Boy taps his foot, waiting for the others to recover.)
Everyone else blinks, coming out of their trance.
(Note: Even saying his name "I AM FAN.BOY!" has enough punctuation to
stun for a second or two.)
Fan.Boy is immune to his own stunning.
His main power is knowing what has been posted on *any* newsgroup, right
from it's first begining up to the most recent post (although he has to
concentrate to read the most recent ones.) This can be very useful for
information, getting some punctionation (as above), or just to see
what's going on there. This does mean that he does know the entire
history of the LNH as posted on racc/a.c.lnh (although Beige Noon
is understanably vauge.) He therefore knows of the Lurking Girl/Lass
problem, the secrets of the characters (such as the Ultimate Ninja being
Bandwagon Boy) and the entire posted history of each character. [Well, I
don't, but *he* does.] Fan.Boy is hesitant about discussing these
things, however, as he knows of the sensitivity of such topics.
(And the fact that several people would be willing to beat him up for
discussing anything secret.)
The reason that he is able to know what is on each group is that a copy
of Fan.Boy (GIF, alt.version or whatever) exists on that group. The LNH
F.B can access the mind of the other F.Bs. The LNH F.B is the main,
intelligent F.B, and, without his influence, the F.Bs on the other
groups act as a normal poster on that group. If they are met, they would
talk about whatever was going on on that group. (Eg. on
alt.fan.dan-quayle, he would talk about how much he hates Dan Quayle. :)
The LNH Fan.Boy is able to transfer his mind into any of these other
groups, leaving behind an F.B that would just pose and make the odd
heroic comment. In this way Fan.Boy can travel to other news.groups, and
to the realities (or PluRealites or Dimensions or whatever) as copies of
him exist in all those as well.
He never thought he would ever be a net.hero and his naive attitude
reflects this. He is aware of the various threats of the net.villains,
but is more likely to talk about them than challenge them.
Whenever he mets another net.hero he is likely to praise them for
whatever they've done, (this is really handy if authors want to remind
their readers of what their characters actually have done) and, if
applicable, ask for a demonstation of their powers (such as getting
Cheesecake-Eater Lad to make him a cheesecake.)
Whenever a Fan.Boy dies (in whatever group) he is restored whenever
anyone uses the Pril Room (due to affect on reality, and due to the fact
that it started this whole thing.) However, the LNH Fan.Boy would
re-appear in the Peril Room, irrespective of where he died (including
him dying in somewhere other than in alt.comics.lnh.) In the other
news.groups, the Fan.Boys would appear somewhere neutral in that group.
This means that Fan.Boy is somewhat like Cannon Fodder, but less used to
The Fan.Boys on the other news.groups/realitities can be used without my
permission unless I have speicifically stated otherwise.
Back to the LNH page.