In other news, I managed to get my hands on the Connectix DOS emulator, Virtual PC (motto: "Now you can use your $900 iMac to simulate an outdated command-line system!") which allowed me to play the most grim and terrible game yet devised by devious minds, Princess Maker 2.
Like most wacky things I come across (barring a few examples of good ol' home-grown wackiness) this game hails from Japan. You see, there's a whole genre of games over there known as 'raising games', which vary from the cute and loveable Tamagotchis to the delightful cruelty of Monster Rancher. But wait! There's more! Those are only the ones that we Americans enjoy en-masse. There are others, where you guide the development of actual people! Er, well, virtual actual people. Yes. But anyway, this sort of 'raising game' can take many forms, as you shape the course and life of a virtual character. And one of these forms is, of course, the game in question.
Described by some as 'A Tamagotchi gone horribly, horribly wrong' and by others as 'Sim-Anime-Babe', Princess Maker 2 involves you, the player, serving as guardian and guide for a sweet, naive little anime girl, through the morass of part-time jobs (apparently the fantasy kingdom in question has no child-labor laws), surly (and often completely goofy) rivals, and various career paths, which can include nice, cheerful, maidenly skills, but which more often include going out on adventures and kicking some ass (the game includes a standard 'wander around in the wilderness, finding things and whomping monsters' part, too). Mind-boggling! Still, I thought, beginning to figure out how it worked, no Sim game had ever defeated me. I would emerge triumphant, guiding my charge to victory over all who dared to doubt that it were possible for a mere sixteen-year-old to be a godawful combat munchkin! I would not pay too much heed to her occasional complaints that her warrior's physique left her unable to fit into a proper dress! I would remember to watch the stress-o-meter (yes, this game requires you to keep an eye on the character's stress level; if it gets too high, she becomes snippy, and you wouldn't like her when she's snippy).
At last, the game reached its end. Had I triumphed? What course would my actions result in? ... Well, actually, I can't tell wether the ending I got was a good one or a bad one. Such was the awe-inspiring power of my charge that she decided it would be a cool thing to storm the gates of Hell, take on Satan himself in a duel (which she won. natch.) and... take over rulership of the underworld, becoming the Princess of Darkness, ruler of all demons, judge, jury and executioner for the naughty for all eternity...?
I can't tell wether that's a really good ending, or a really bad one. It's certainly a warning from the ages, a message crystal clear in meaning and intent - "Jesse," states the message, "Never breed. It would mean the destruction of the entire world."
Now that's advice we can use.
In other news, it's almost certain that we'll see more episodes of Dragonball Z on Cartoon Network, because the show's ratings are the highest that network has ever seen, with 1.7 million households tuning in to watch. That's pathetic for regular TV, but darn impressive for a scrub network like CN. Perhaps they will even provide us with MORE badly dubbed anime in the future! But at least Dragonball Z will never, ever go away.
Well, at least not soon. But as the viewership expands, surly parents are beginning to notice that their children are watching a show which involves awesome levels of brutality, plus the occasional instance of making people go all bendy-wendy in the neck. Not to mention those resurrections...
Advertising dollars versus surly parents! Who will win, in this battle of the titans?!
Tune in next time for Muffin Man II: The Wrath of Pillsbury.
Rant 'o the day contains no additives, preservatives or alien spores of any kind. Use only as directed. Do not expose to direct sunlight. Do not fold, spindle, multilate or remove identifying tags. Handle with care. Contains less than 3% milk fat by weight, not by volume. Certified 'Syndicate Approved'. Squeeze the lemon. Remember, kids, only users lose drugs.
THIS SPACE FOR RENT