I've also just learned of the 'Pokemon Lawsuit', where some parent is suing the company that makes Pokemon cards for violating RICO laws. Er, say what? Apparently, the accusation is that having those holy grails, the foil-covered Charizard cards, only appear in 5 percent or whatever of booster packs, makes buying Pokemon cards like gambling, since you don't know wether you'll get that $70-$100 Charizard or not when you buy a pack. The response is, of course, that the company doesn't place a value on the card, the free market does. If the market for Pokemon cards collapsed, they'd be worth less than Kleenex, foil covering or not. Images of little kids slinging their money down at the comic shop counter and snarling "C'mon, baby, daddy needs a new pair 'a shoes!" notwithstanding, are we now going to sue the entire capitalistic free market system? Are we going to stand for this outrage? Someone seriously needs to start dishing out boots to the head for people like this. I mean, c'mon, you can stop buying the cards at any time. Honest. Now, where were those Magic: The Gathering boosters...? C'mon, daddy needs a new pair 'a shoes!
In which the other three heroes are STILL sitting there like Johnny Bench.
We open with various people discussing what just happened, and... okay, so actually it's the narrator who, in his stoic, wooden way, informs us what happened. Goku didn't pull on some hidden well of power to smack Frieza around last episode. He used the "Kaiou-Ken Times Twenty" technique. Now, for those without a clue what this is, the Kaiou-Ken techniques (which sounds a bit off, since 'Ken' is Japanese for 'technique' anyway, but we digress - look, you learned a new word today!) are like an afterburner on someone's power level. Essentially, your power is increased by the multiple of the technique, but it burns your endurance by that same multiple. Oops.
Goku spends some time stunned that his "Kaiou-Ken Times Twenty" plus "Kameameha" attack didn't do more than singe Freiza's palm. Frieza, meanwhile, wonders where Goku got such power, and resolves to kill the Saiyan quickly. Yeah, whatever. We all know we're still gonna be watching this fight next week.
Frieza is smart enough, however, to realize that Goku's burning off all his power in a quick way, and just scoffs, realizing that this was Goku's last gasp, sort of. They scuffle some more, and Frieza proceeds to beat the snot out of Goku. Again.
Meanwhile, Bulma gets up from where she was thrown last episode, and resolves to get the heck out of dodge while she still can. She also finds the Ginyu-frog, and proceeds to torment him.
More beating on Goku. Gohan has finally had enough, and gets ready to step in, but Piccolo stops him. Haven't we seen that part before? Anyway, Piccolo states that Goku's not beaten yet, despite the fact that Frieza is whaling on him in a vicious sort of way.
Goku is finally left just standing there, battered and panting, while Frieza taunts him by lazily blowing holes in the surrounding terrain. At the bottom of these holes, water bubbles. Apparently these islands have some kind of underground plumbing or something. Wow, those Nameks think of everything.
Goku is interrupted from his realization that he's about to die by the voice of... Vegeta? Okay, now Goku's hallucinating. Cool. But what's he doing hallucinating about Vegeta? Specifically, why is Vegeta not wearing any clothes? Oh, wait, Cartoon Network airbrushed some pants on him. Phwew.s That's just disturbing. Oh, I'm sure that there's some deep mystical significance to someone recently dead being naked, but damn, Goku, you should have better things to think about at such a critical point than Vegeta's butt.
Uh, anyway, Vegeta browbeats Goku about being such a loser, asking where his Saiyan pride is. Goku responds that he doesn't know how to be a Saiyan, he was raised on Earth. Vegeta, again, tells Goku that this is the guy who detonated their home planet, killed both their fathers, and is generally the most evil person in the universe. Apparently, this didn't stick the FIRST time he told it, so now he's back from the dead to smack Goku with the clue-by-four AGAIN.
Frieza, meanwhile, stares at Goku and wonders if the Saiyan warrior is quite done chatting with thin air yet. Goku, perhaps horrified by the idea that if he doesn't win soon, he might have to think about Vegeta naked again, rallies a second wind and scuffles with Frieza a bit before once more getting smacked down.
Meanwhile, in the Next Dimension, the analysis of the fight by King Kaiou, Tien (the three-eyed guy), Yamcha (the guy who looks like Goku, only with scars) and Chau-tzu (the little floating mime) is interrupted by sounds of fighting from inside King Kaiou's house. Everyone wanders over, as King Kaiou's assistants, a monkey named Bubbles (you can't make stuff like this up, man) and a giant ant named Gregory (what were these people smoking) come staggering out. But who could be in there? Why it's...
Racoome! Jayce! Verter! Guldo! Together they are... [ker-pose]
Damn. These guys are dead, and they still won't go away. Our Heroes spend a moment staring, stunned, at the awful posing, as the Ginyu Force huddle, then pose again. And huddle, and pose again. Seems they just can't get it right without their leader. "Who ARE these weirdos?" Yamcha wonders.
Meanwhile, Goku and Frieza stare at each other, as Goku throws up his arms and poses mightily, although only after talking to thin air again. Power begins to build, and the water gushing in the nearby gashes in the ground fountains up, although Frieza just laughs at this 'water trick'. The three Johnny Bench impersonators realize that Goku is about to use the ultimate attack he learned from King Kaiou, the 'spirit ball', an attack so mighty it's not so much an energy blast, as it is throwing a small star at your opponent. And, fortunately for Goku, the attack's power is drawn from living things all around, so he doesn't have to spend what remains of his own power. He's bad-ass enough, though, that he can draw, not only from Namek itself, but from other planets in the same system, pulling in an awesome amount of energy to form the Spirit Ball. Or was it Spirit Bomb. Whatever.
We all know how this is going to end, anyway. Gohan's going to jump in, Frieza's going to smack him around, and this is going to get Goku mad enough to power up as a Super Saiyan and end this. It might even happen before the end of next week.
Then again, I could be wrong.
Rant 'o the day contains no additives, preservatives or alien spores of any kind. Use only as directed. Do not expose to direct sunlight. Do not fold, spindle, multilate or remove identifying tags. Handle with care. Contains less than 3% milk fat by weight, not by volume. Certified 'Syndicate Approved'. Squeeze the lemon. Remember, kids, only users lose drugs.
THIS SPACE FOR RENT