//STLG, an unfinished work by Dave Menendez * FADE IN. The NOBELPRIZE, a generic-looking Starfleet craft, is orbiting an equally generic Earth-like world. PICLAFF (voice over) Captain's Log, Stardate Aleph Null: The Nobelprize has been ordered to chart a region of space known as the Frequently Charted Zone. We got bored with that pretty quick, though, so we're taking a brief vacation on the planet Himechan III. * CUT TO a city street on Himechan III at night. The city seems to consist mostly of small, wooden buildings with slate roofs. Immediately to the right is a hotel labeled "Hotel Noribbon". Further down the street are some shops and the occasional street vendor. In the distance are Lt TAR and Lt Cmdr DUMMY, dressed in whatever uniform Starfleet is using that week. They are walking towards the camera, and will arrive just as PICLAFF's next speech ends. PICLAFF (voice over) Thus far things have been peaceful, and I've been using the time to catch up on my reading, as well as other... personal matters. That's more a subject for my personal log, though. VOICE (off screen) AAAAARGH! TAR and DUMMY stop walking and look towards the second floor of the hotel. TAR That almost sounded like Cmdr Bozo. DUMMY "Almost"? TAR Obviously, it *wasn't* Cmdr Bozo, because if it *were* him we'd need to investigate, and we're not going to do that. VOICE (off screen) Oh, how could this happen to one such as I, Cmdr William T. Bozo!? TAR deflates a little at that. TAR It *could* be a coincidence. DUMMY Indeed. It *could*. TAR looks at DUMMY expectantly. After a few seconds, she realizes he's finished. TAR Aren't you going to quote the odds? DUMMY shrugs. DUMMY I have not researched the frequency of "Cmdr William T. Bozo" as a name on this planet, but my experience thus far suggests it is no higher than usual. TAR I guess we'd better investigate, then. They walk into the hotel, TAR grumbling under her breath. * CUT TO a hallway in the hotel. Ensign CHECKOUT is standing outside a closed door looking concerned. CHECKOUT Commander? Are you all right? BOZO (inside) Oh, woe is me! I curse the day I was brought into this life of misery! CHECKOUT (thought) Dat doesn't sound good. TAR and DUMMY rush up to CHECKOUT. TAR What's the buzz? DUMMY Tell us what's a-happenin'. CHECKOUT gives them an odd look, but before he can speak the door opens and Cmdr BOZO steps out. BOZO Lieutenant, I'm glad you're here. TAR What's wrong, Commander? We heard your wailing from outside. BOZO Some *fiend* has removed the sheets from my bed and then replaced them, but rotated ninety degrees. CHECKOUT looks appalled, while TAR tries not to burst into laughter. DUMMY looks at her, mildly perplexed. CHECKOUT Dat's *terrible*. TAR Can you think of anyone who might be responsible? BOZO shakes his head. BOZO Nay. It is not for me to glance upon the face of darkness. That's your job! TAR I will get right on it, then. TAR walks off, still snickering. After a moment, CHECKOUT excuses himself and walks off in the other direction. BOZO This sordid affair has put something of a damper on my evening. DUMMY Oh? BOZO You're right, I mustn't let this color our vacation. I must be strong! Come, Dummy, let's you and I quit this place and sample the local entertainment. DUMMY Do you think that is wise? BOZO Bah! Even if it isn't, that should not stop us. We are on this vacation to enjoy ourselves, and the nightlife of this planet exists for enjoyment. After all, are we not two wild and crazy guys? DUMMY blinks. DUMMY I cannot say I have ever heard us characterized in that fashion. BOZO You cannot? DUMMY Indeed. I believe I am commonly referred to as "square". BOZO Square!? BOZO (thought) Could I have misjudged Dummy all these years? BOZO Sh-surely you are mistaken. A joke, perhaps? DUMMY I do not believe so. I have looked into the matter and found I do possess several "square" attributes. BOZO runs screaming into his room, slamming the door behind him. DUMMY blinks again, and then wanders off in the direction TAR went. * CUT TO a different section of hallway. TAR walks up to a door and knocks. PICLAFF (inside) Enter. * CUT TO the inside of Captain PICLAFF's hotel room. It's fairly nice without being overly expensive looking. PICLAFF is sitting in an easy chair, reading a book. The door opens and TAR enters. TAR Captain. PICLAFF Ah, Lt Tar. What brings you here? TAR There's been an... incident in Cmdr Bozo's room. PICLAFF Why bring this to me, then? Surely you can solve this without *my* assistance. TAR Undoubtedly. I was wondering, though, can you think of anyone who would do such a thing? PICLAFF No. Not really. TAR I see. Sorry to bother you, then. PICLAFF No bother at all, Lieutenant. TAR starts to leave, but pauses before she steps out the door and turns back to PICLAFF. TAR One other thing. If-- *when* I find the perpetrator, should I take action against him? PICLAFF Of course. I will not abide short- sheeters in my crew. TAR smirks. TAR Thank you, sir. * CUT TO the hallway outside. TAR leaves PICLAFF's room and closes the door behind her. DUMMY walks up silently, just out of TAR's line of sight. TAR turns to face him and jumps. TAR Dummy! You startled me. DUMMY My apologies. TAR No matter. How's Bozo holding up? DUMMY He seems a bit jumpy. Perhaps this incident has affected him more than he will admit. TAR shrugs. The two begin walking down the hallway. TAR Well, he'll be pleased to know I've already figured out who did it. DUMMY The Captain? TAR stops and strares at DUMMY, flabbergasted. TAR How... how did...? DUMMY It was consistent with his style. Will you be covering for him again? TAR chuckles and rubs her hands together. TAR Not this time. He gave me permission to go after the perpetrator. I think he's gotten a lit-tle bit overconfident. That will be his downfall. TAR chuckles more ominously. FADE OUT. * FADE IN. It's morning on Himechan III (part of it, anyway). Flowers are blooming, birds are singing, shopkeepers are opening their doors and unrolling their awnings, and so forth. * FADE TO the dining room of the Hotel Noribbon. PICLAFF and BOZO are standing before a table of NOBELPRIZE crewmembers (including TAR, DUMMY, and CHECKOUT). PICLAFF clears his throat to catch their attention. Eventually, it works. PICLAFF Good morning, everyone. The crew mumbles in response. PICLAFF As you all know, this is the last day of our vacation from stellar charting. I expect you all back in uniform on the Nobelprize by midnight tonight. The crew, all of whom are in uniform, look at each other in confusion. CHECKOUT Er... *beck* in uniform? Now PICLAFF looks confused. PICLAFF Well, yes. You're not required to wear a uniform when you're on vacation after all. The crew groans. PICLAFF dodges some pastries. BOZO Careful! Those pastries are not free. PICLAFF regains his composure. PICLAFF In any event, Dr Smasher and I will be visiting the art museum today. If I see any of *you* there, it's court-martial time, understand? The crew mumbles affirmatively. PICLAFF Very good. I will see you on the Nobelprize tomorrow. PICLAFF walks off. After a moment, the crew disperses, except for BOZO, DUMMY, TAR, and CHECKOUT, who is still eating. BOZO tugs at his collar, and then approaches DUMMY, looking uncomfortable. BOZO Er... hello, Dummy. DUMMY Good morning, sir. I trust you slept well? BOZO coughs and absently scratches the back of his neck, avoiding DUMMY's eyes. DUMMY looks mildly perplexed by his reaction. TAR looks back and forth between the two, completely in the dark. CHECKOUT keeps eating. BOZO Um, yes. About last night... BOZO trails off. DUMMY Last night, sir? TAR What's going on? BOZO I understand that being square is just part of who you are, but I'm not comfortable with it right now. I'm sorry. BOZO flees. TAR stares after him in complete confusion. DUMMY blinks in mild surprise. CHECKOUT remains oblivious. TAR What was *that* all about? DUMMY I am not certain. Last night I mentioned that we were considered "square" by the crew, and he reacted rather oddly. I would guess that he is still upset about it. TAR shakes her head and turns to CHECKOUT. TAR So, got anything planned for today? CHECKOUT I thought I would relax on the patio out front with a cold drink and just watch the world go by. TAR That sounds *very* exciting. Come on, I've got a great idea for our last day. CHECKOUT I thought you would be investigating that incident in Cmdr Bozo's room today. DUMMY As it happens, we have-- TAR It's a long, subtle process, Checkout. We can't rush things or it won't work out. Right, sir? DUMMY blinks. DUMMY I suppose one must be thorough, but did we not already-- TAR Oh, that was just a *theory*, sir. Don't give it away yet. Piclaff's not as dumb as he acts. DUMMY Ah. I had not appreciated that fact. Certainly, we must act with prudence. TAR smiles and grabs DUMMY by the arm. TAR Then let's get going. I don't want to fight with the crowds. DUMMY I suppose not. Good day, Ensign. CHECKOUT Good day, sir. TAR drags DUMMY out of the room. CHECKOUT shugs and finishes his breakfast. * CUT TO BOZO's room. BOZO is pacing back and forth, obviously in great mental distress. BOZO (thought) I mustn't let this affect my performance as an officer, but can I simply act as if nothing has changed? I suppose that, in actual fact, nothing *has* changed. There must have been clues all along, why did I never see them? * FLASHBACK to BOZO and DUMMY's days at the acadamy, several years ago. BOZO and DUMMY are studying in their dorm room, which looks vaguely like a high-tech version of today's dorm rooms (except that DUMMY's half is entirely free of clutter). BOZO looks slightly younger. DUMMY looks exactly the same. Both are wearing whatever uniforms Starfleet had for cadets at the time. A CLASSMATE sticks his head in the room. CLASSMATE Hey, guys, there's a party down in G Wing. Lotta attractive females and inhibition-lowing beverages, if you catch my drift. DUMMY blinks. DUMMY Your... "drift"? BOZO, meanwhile, is quite excited by the news. BOZO That promises to be quite the enjoyable experience. Come, roomie, let's you and I go forth and partake of the amusement. DUMMY I believe you have homework due in vector calculus tomorrow. BOZO But... the parties in G Wing are unsurpassed for quality. DUMMY Dr Chandra threatened to fail you if you skipped another homework assignment. BOZO hangs his head in defeat. BOZO I suppose that you are correct. Regretfully, I must forgo such distractions for the night, for the sake of my grades. The CLASSMATE shakes his head. CLASSMATE You two are so square. Have fun studying. DUMMY Thank you. The CLASSMATE shakes his head again and leaves. * END FLASHBACK. BOZO looks shocked. He slowly sits on his bed. BOZO (thought) Dear Lord, is it possible that... I too am square? He lays back and stares at the ceiling. BOZO (thought) No... no, that's not it. I'm far too fun-loving to be square. In fact, I'll prove it! He stands, a new look of purpose in his eyes. He raises a fist. BOZO This vacation will not be wasted! I shall party like no man has ever partied before! Be forewarned, world, William Bozo is here! With fire in his eyes (not literally), he marches out of the room. FADE OUT. //Copyright 1998-1999 Dave Menendez //This is a work in progress, so please do not redistribute