Library - Act I - Act II - Act III - Notes
Close up of SUE, as in a TV commercial.
VOICE: Sue! You look well, what about your horrible cold?
SUE: I took Clormitron and now I feel fine.
A hand holds some pills in front of her.
VOICE: Did you take Tolenyl to ease your headache?
SUE: No, I just took Clormitron.
The hand holds some liquid in spoons in front of her.
VOICE: Did you use Sufaded to ease your stuffy nose?
SUE: No, I just used Clormitron.
The hand holds an Uzi in front of her.
VOICE: Did you use this gun to kill your spouse?
Sue pulls out a bloody knife.
SUE: No, I just used this knife.
Pull back to reveal that this is a courtroom. The VOICE has actually been a LAWYER. A JUDGE is also present. The LAWYER is excited about SUE's revelation
LAWYER: You did, eh? Ha! We've wheedled it out of you! At last you have admitted your guilt, there will be no mercy for you!
JUDGE: Mr. Bartlet, you are aware that you're supposed to be council for the defence, aren't you?
The LAWYER is taken aback by this.
LAWYER (to SUE): Knife.
SUE hands LAWYER the knife. The LAWYER stabs himself with it and falls forward. Cut to a close-up of a REPORTER on a news set.
REPORTER: Yes, the Samurai Lawyers continue to be a growing presence in our legal system. But what will their long term effects be? Similar, but not related, are the Kabuki Lawyers.
Quick clip of a courtroom. A few lawyers, dressed as Kabuki actors, move accompanied by drums and speak Japanese.
Pull back from the REPORTER, revealing the ANCHOR.
ANCHOR: And now, the weather with Ulf Reichstag.
Pan over to the WEATHERMAN, dressed in a full Nazi uniform.
WEATHERMAN (in German with English subtitles): Yes. We have decreed that there will be rain tomorrow. All those who do not make preparations will be made wet. To the north, there will be snow. You will put on your snow-tires, or your car will be smashed.
Pan back to the ANCHOR.
ANCHOR: Oh man, I was going to have a picnic tomorrow, and now it's going to rain.
REPORTER: Don't worry, Nazi's always lie, so it really won't rain.
WEATHERMAN: Yes, it's true.
ANCHOR: But if you always lie, then he didn't tell the truth when he agreed that he lies a lot.
REPORTER: This looks like a case for fuzzy logic.
Cut to a SCIENTIST in a lab coat before a blackboard.
SCIENTIST: Fuzzy logic is a special branch of Boolean logic developed to handle such problems. While Boolean logic represents "True" as one and "False" as zero, fuzzy logic lets a statement have any value between zero and one. Thus a statement like, "This is false" is equivalent to the equation Q equals not-Q, or...
SCIENTIST writes "Q = 1 - Q" on the board.
SCIENTIST: ...Q equals one minus Q. In Boolean logic the value of Q would be indeterminate, but in fuzzy logic, the value of Q would be one half. Thus, "This is false" is half true.
Pull back to reveal a WOMAN, who is obviously deriving great pleasure from this lecture.
WOMAN: Oh Jasper...! Tell me about ... algorithms.
SCIENTIST looks knowingly at the camera. Pan to a window near him where a SMALL BOY is staring in through the window.
Cut to outside the window, the SMALL BOY is standing near the window. Past him runs JOHN, who fearfully runs up to the camera and stops, panting. While he talks, he nervously handles a gilded cross.
JOHN: I didn't mean to do it; I just lost control. I'm not the sort of person who would kill the guy next to me.
Flashback to an arena. JOHN is sitting in a seat on the aisle. The seat next to him is empty. The seat next to that is occupied by CHEWER, who is eating crackers and crunching loudly. Behind CHEWER sits BRENDA. SATAN walks up the aisle and towers over JOHN.
SATAN: Excuse me, I think you're in my seat.
JOHN: Really?
SATAN shows JOHN his ticket. JOHN looks nervous and moves over. The crunching sounds grow louder. Close in on JOHN, who looks increasingly agitated. He glances at SATAN, who cooly looks back at him. The crunching sounds grow louder. Finally, JOHN snaps.
JOHN (to CHEWER): Must you keep chewing so loudly?
JOHN strangles CHEWER and flees. BRENDA screams.
Cut to an interview of BRENDA.
BRENDA: I was shocked, of course. But who would think that any man would kill another over chewing noises?
Cut to an interview of SATAN.
SATAN: When the man leaped up and strangled the guy, I must say I sort of agreed with him. The chewing was annoying, but not enough to kill over.
INTERVIEWER: Why didn't you try to stop him?
SATAN: I don't like to get involved in ... incidents.
Cut to an interview of the CHEWER.
CHEWER: Frankly, I don't understand why everyone keeps saying he's a murderer. After all, I'm not actually dead.
Cut to the INTERVIEWER in a grassy field.
INTERVIEWER: The police immediately launched a full search. Units in all fifty states, and some in other countries too, mobilized to track down the killer. It all proved to be futile, however as the killer turned himself in a few hours later. This is where many feel he made his mistake.
Cut to an interview of a CRIME LORD
CRIME LORD: Certainly, as a general rule, if one doesn't want to be caught, one doesn't turn oneself in.
INTERVIEWER: Are there other things one doesn't do?
CRIME LORD: One wouldn't want to, say, keep a high profile. TV appearances, for instance, can clue the police in very quickly.
An OFFICER enters and puts his hand on the CRIME LORD's shoulder.
OFFICER: You are under arrest.
CRIME LORD: See, that sort of thing is what you want to avoid.
INTERVIEWER: Yes, I see.
OFFICER: Come along.
OFFICER drags the CRIME LORD off the set.
A city. Music: some loud, pulsating dance music. As we skip through cuts of scenes in the city, we see two gangs collecting members. In each scene a member, who is previously involved in some other activity, joins his gang. The members are arguing with street vendors, beating up old ladies, playing chess, hanging around in alleys, etc. Eventually, the two gangs, one in red and black, the other in green and black, meet in a wide, deserted alley.
RED LEADER: Okay, Greeny, today this ends.
GREEN LEADER: Yeah. Let's settle this like men!
The two gangs groan at this suggestion. RED LEADER is confused at this reaction.
RED LEADER: What? What's wrong?
RED GANG MEMBER: Every time there's a fight, it's always "settle this like men."
GREEN GANG MEMBER: It's dull. We're tired of it.
The leaders look at each other, unsure of what to do.
GREEN LEADER: So how should we settle this?
GREEN GANG MEMBER: Something different.
RED GANG MEMBER: Yeah, let's settle this like ... women!
General agreement. The two leaders are very unsure what to do.
GREEN LEADER: Settle it how?
RED LEADER: Like women? What does that mean?
GREEN LEADER: Yeah! How does one settle something like women do?
RED LEADER: I don't know. I never pay attention.
GREEN LEADER: This is pointless. I'm not even so sure why we're doing this.
RED LEADER: Your guys were seen on our turf.
GREEN LEADER: Your guys are on our turf all the time, we never bother you about it.
RED LEADER: You don't eh? What about the fight last Thursday?
GREEN LEADER: That wasn't us. That was the teal gang.
RED LEADER: You mean you aren't the teal gang? ... Sorry, I guess this is all a misunderstanding.
GREEN LEADER: Yeah, that's okay.
RED LEADER: Say, maybe we could band together and destroy the teal gang.
GREEN LEADER: That seems reasonable. Let's do so.
Cut to an office. ALICE is standing before a desk, talking to IST MAN.
ALICE: What was that last sketch!? "Settle things like women?" What kind of sexist tripe are you selling?
IST MAN: Calm down, it's just a sketch. A skit, as it were. It's not like we're saying something bad.
ALICE: Look, the assumption that all women are alike robs us of our individuality. You can't just say "all women are peaceful" or something.
IST MAN: I'll tell you what. We'll do another sketch.
Cut back to the deserted alley. This time there are two gangs of women, in blue and gold.
BLUE LEADER: Okay, let's settle this like women!
GOLD LEADER: Let's do it.
The other gang members form a circle and BLUE LEADER and GOLD LEADER fight it out.
Cut back to the office.
ALICE: That's no good either! Now you're just making fun of us.
IST MAN: I really don't see what your problem with this is.
ALICE: I'll bet you don't. ... Say, what is your position here?
IST MAN: I am the Ist Man.
ALICE: The what?
IST MAN: The Ist Man. You know, sexist, racist -- that sort of thing.
ALICE: They made that a position?
Cut back to the alley. This time there are two rival gangs of Hassidic Jews.
FIRST RABBI: Okay! Let's settle this like Hassidic Jews!
SECOND RABBI: Yes!
They start quoting the Torah in Hebrew.
Cut back to the office.
IST MAN: Oh yes. I'm also in charge of anti-semitism. I think it falls under Ethno-Centrist.
ALICE: I am just shocked. Have you no shame?
Cut back to the alley. This time there are two rival gangs of stockbrokers.
STOCKBROKER: Okay! Let's settle this like Stockbrokers!
They rush off. Quick shots of the stockbroker gangs talking on phones, reading ticker-tapes, etc.
Cut back to the alley. This time there are two rival gangs of electrical engineers.
FIRST ELECTRICAL ENGINEER: Okay! Let's settle this like electrical engineers!
SECOND ELECTRICAL ENGINEER: How would one do that, exactly?
Cut back to the office.
ALICE: I am registering a complaint. This is insulting to all sentient beings. Who's next? What group will you insult next with your petty jokes?
Cut back to the alley. This time there are two rival gangs of Germans.
FIRST GERMAN: Right! Let's settle this like Germans!
SECOND GERMAN: Ya! First to conquer Belgium wins!
They rush off.
Cut to a close up of a news ANCHOR.
ANCHOR: This just in, Germans have invaded Belgium!
He is handed a paper.
No, wait, I've just received this bulletin....
He reads it and looks pleased with himself.
Boy, am I glad I didn't read that aloud! Actually, I make a practice of skimming each bulletin before I read it to make sure it isn't a personal note, and in this case it says that my fly is open. Ha! Imagine if I had read that aloud before I knew what it meant, I'd be mortified. But now, because I took the time to read it, no one need know about my open fly.
He slowly realizes what he said, and buries his head in his hands.
Close up of ANNOUNCER in front of nondescript set.
ANNOUNCER: So, when your universe comes to an end, what are ya gonna do?
The PRODUCER walks in shot.
PRODUCER (interrupting): Nothing. After the universe ends, everyone would be dead, so it would be impossible to do anything.
ANNOUNCER: You're right. This is a pretty stupid ad campaign.
Pull back to reveal the CAMERAMAN at his camera.
PRODUCER: Okay, people! This filming is over. You're all fired.
Cut to CAMERAMAN's face. He is upset by this announcement.
CAMERAMAN (voice over): Fired. ... No, I won't believe it. How can I be fired! They can't fire me!
CAMERAMAN: Dammit! I need this job!
CAMERAMAN (voice over): Oh no, I said that out loud. I hope no one noticed.
Wide shot of the set. Everyone is looking at the CAMERAMAN.
Cut to the CAMERAMAN's home. His WIFE walks up to the front door and lets the CAMERAMAN in.
WIFE: Hello, dear. How was your day?
The CAMERAMAN sits down on the couch, his WIFE joins him.
CAMERAMAN: Terrible! I was fired. And now, I'm old -- I'll never work in Hollywood again!
WIFE: Dear, you're a cameraman, not an actor. They don't care how old you are.
CAMERAMAN: Thank God!
WIFE (uneasy): Actually, dear, it's not ... God who's responsible for your job as a cameraman. It's ... the other one.
CAMERAMAN: The Devil!?
SATAN walks in from offstage. The others react fearfully.
SATAN: Speak of the Devil ....
WIFE: You promised my husband a career as a cameraman. Now he's been fired. What do you have to say for yourself?
SATAN looks at her, then motions for the CAMERAMAN to join him a few feet away. They huddle conspiratorially.
SATAN: She's right, since you got fired, the deal is voided. I'll give her her soul back, but I just wanted to ask you a question. Your wife isn't quite what she used to be, I think I could reverse that, if you were willing ....
The CAMERAMAN is not impressed. He moves out of the huddle and speaks so his WIFE can hear.
CAMERAMAN: Oh, no. I'm not going to fall for that kind of trick. I remember the old saying, "Beware of Devils bearing gifts."
WIFE: No, dear, that's "Beware of Greeks bearing gifts."
A GREEK enters from offstage, looking offended.
GREEK: Oh sure! Just spread your stereotypical notions of Greek trustworthiness, based on events that happened thousands of years ago.
WIFE: We're sorry, it's just an old saying.
SATAN: Yeah, it's not like we meant you personally.
GREEK: So you think you can just apologise and now everything's better, huh? Is that what you think?
CAMERAMAN: Yes.
WIFE: What else could we do?
No one has an answer for that. The GREEK thinks.
GREEK: I guess that's enough then. Here, take this.
He produces a gift-wrapped box. The WIFE is not sure if she should take it, but the GREEK gives her a hurt look and she accepts. Close in on the gift, which she unwraps. It is a wooden horse. She smiles uncertainly.
Mix to that night. The horse is sitting on a table. Slowly, a trapdoor on the bottom of the horse starts to open. Tiny warriors jump down out of the bottom of the horse, and on to the table. They spread out.
Cut to an office, as would be used in a political ad. There is a flag in the background and a conference table. Three spokes-persons for the League of Little People are sitting behind seats at the table. Their SPEAKER, a man perhaps six-feet tall, sits at the head of the table.
SPEAKER: Here at the League of Little People, we take great offense at the depiction of little people in the previous sketch. We feel that no one has any right to imply that little people serve as invaders in miniature Trojan horses. We will be holding a press conference on --
He is interrupted by a sudden cut to another SPOKESMAN, this time behind a podium in front of a huge flag.
SPOKESMAN: Here at the National Organization of Greeks, we wish to protest the depiction of Greeks as lying, scheming, invaders who use Trojan horses to attack American citizens. Furthermore, we wish to protest the fact that the League of Little People was given air time to express their opinions, while we were --
He is cut off by another sudden cut. This SPOKESWOMAN is standing before a large crowd of supporters on the steps of a government building.
SPOKESWOMAN: Here at the Protesters Union, we take umbrage at the depiction of protesters as whiny, irritating, irrational lunatics, as has been done on this program. I would also like to add that, as far as I know, there are no such groups as the League of Little People or the National Organization of Greeks. If there are, they are not affiliated with the Protesters Union and thus should not be interrupting this shameful program. Thank you.
Fade to black. After a few seconds.
VOICE OVER: This space unintentionally left blank.
A few more seconds of blackness. Then, sudden cut to a used car ad. Title: "Honest Rob's Used Cars and Doughnut Shoppe."
HONEST ROB: Here at Honest Rob's Used Cars and Doughnut Shoppe, we take a great deal of interest in making a sale to you.
He points at the camera.
Yes sir, whether you want a car or a doughnut, we will make you an offer you can't refuse.
A CUSTOMER walks into shot.
CUSTOMER: Honest Rob, how much is that car over there?
Suddenly, all manner of weapons are pointed at the CUSTOMER.
HONEST ROB: Ten thousand.
The CUSTOMER looks at the weapons and comes to a decision.
CUSTOMER: I'll take it.
The weapons retract and the CUSTOMER walks offscreen.
HONEST ROB: Yes, that's the kind of service you can expect here at Honest Rob's Used Cars and Doughnut Shoppe.
A car explodes in the background. HONEST ROB glances at it and looks mad.
HONEST ROB (shouting): Look out! It's the CIA again! Scatter!
A group of guerrillas leap out from behind the cars and flee.
I never bothered to come up with a title for this/these script(s), which explains their pretty pathetic name. Each act was written separately, which explains the lack of continuity. When I showed the first act to my sister, Ellen, her comment was something along the lines of "What were you 'on' when you wrote this?" Oddly, I chose to take that as a complement. That explains something about me.
Each act has, in my opinion, a weak segment. In Act I the bit with the weatherman didn't come off as well as I had hoped; my creative ranting skills were just off that night. The introduction of John could also use some work. In Act II, the bit with the Germans invading Belgium just isn't all that funny. In Act III, I think the bit with the protest groups could be improved a bit. That's just me, though. I suppose I could improve it someday.
It was not my intention to offend anyone with the stereotype bits, and I don't think there's anything in there that could be considered offensive. (Well, those Electrical Engineers can be touchy....)