Script: Stop Me Before I Save Again
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* HERMAN'S HEAD *
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SCRIPT
"STOP ME BEFORE I HELP AGAIN"
(episode 27)
by David Babcock
Original airdate (Fox): 09/13/92
Script transcribed by Stephen Hill
(Email: steve.d.hill@gmail.com)
Written on the 30th/31st May 1994.
Episode sypnosis:
A sordid tale of lust and litigation: Jay faces up to his sex
addiction, and Herman faces a lawsuit for breaking the ribs of
a woman whose life he saved by performing CPR.
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* Characters and their abbreviations *
**************************************
Regular cast:
Herman Brooks .................... William Ragsdale
Jay Nichols ...................... Hank Azaria
Heddy Newman ..................... Jane Sibbett
Louise Fitzer .................... Yeardley Smith
Angel ............................ Molly Hagan
Animal ........................... Ken Hudson Campbell
Wimp ............................. Rick Lawless
Genius ........................... Peter MacKenzie
Paul Bracken ..................... Jason Bernard
Guest Cast:
Mrs. Peebles ...... Diana Bellamy
Danielle .......... Barbara Alyn Woods
Frank ............. Robert Clothworthy
ABBREVIATIONS
Main Characters :
_____________________________
/Herman = H / Louise = L /|
/Heddy = HD / Bracken = B / /
/Jay = J / Crawford = C / /
/____________/_______________/ /
|____________|_______________|/
'Brain' Characters:
__________________________
/Angel = A / Wimp = W /|
/Animal = AN / Genius = G / /
/____________/____________/ /
|____________|____________|/
Other characters
Mrs. Peebles = P
Danielle = D
/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\
<OPEN : Show starts with Jay, Herman, Mrs.Peebles and a couple of other
people in the elevator. Jay is looking through his diary.>
J : So last night was Mona - who, by the way, lived up to her name. Tonight
is Chastity - who better _not_ live up to her name.
H : Morning Mrs.Peebles.
J : Oh hey, Mrs.Peebles. Didn't see you back there. <goes back to his diary>
And tomorrow is Ursula the cop - who comes with her own handcuffs and
billy club. That's the night I resist arrest.
<cut to brain>
W : Did it ever occur to anyone that Jay has a problem?
A : Yes, I think he's obsessed with sex.
AN : Thank God he's obsessed with sex. It'll keep his mind off his problem.
<cut back to elevator>
J : Then a week from next Thursday I got Niomi! Very good chance of
horizontitude.
H : Easy Jay!
J : What?
H : Well, the sex might be turning into a problem.
J : Who the hell has a problem with too much sex?
P : I do! It's a genuine addiction. I was hooked for years. Had to have it
five times a day. I finally had to go cold turkey - I got a bad ticker.
The doctor said if I kept up that pace, Kapowee! I could go out with a
bang _and_ a whimper!
<the elevator opens>
P : Well, have a good one. <She gets out first, followed by the others>
H : Well, there you go.
J : There I go? You think I'm addicted to sex?
<Herman and Jay enter the research department>
H : Well, they say it's possible.
L : What's possible?
J : I can't believe you'd buy into that
L : Buy into what? <trying to get into the conversation>
J : The whole concept - it's laughable.
L : <Still trying...> I could use a laugh.
H : Maybe, but Mrs.Peebles takes the concept pretty seriously.
L : <still trying...> Mrs.Peebles from accounting?
J : Herman - (a) middle aged accountant doing it five times a day _is_ a
serious concept.
<Herman's phone rings. He answers>
H : Research.
<Louise is on the other end of the phone>
L : Hi Herman, it's Louise. What the hell are you guys talking about!?
<Jay takes the phone from Herman>
J : Louise, this is not your problem. <He puts the phone down.
Louise slams her phone down as well.>
H : Okay - so you admit it's a problem.
L : <Walking over to Herman's desk> Oh, c'mon Jay. Problems are my specialty.
You name it, I've had it. <Louise sits on the end of Herman's desk>
What's ailing ya?
J : Herman thinks I'm a sex addict.
L : <Shrugs her shoulders> Can't help ya. <She walks back to her desk>
H : Look, Jay. Don't get me wrong. I'm all for sex - sex is great,
but I think you have a problem.
HD : <Walking to Herman and Jay> Wait a minute, so you have sex
with lots of women. What do you get out of it?
J : Sex with lots of women.
HD : What do they get out of it?
J : Sex with me.
HD : Oh you don't have a problem at all - _they_ have the problem.
<Mr.Bracken comes out of his office>
B : Wanna tell me what this coffee klatsch is all about?
<Herman and Jay fumble for an explaination but Heddy gets there first>
HD : Herman thinks Jay is a sex addict. Jay doesn't buy it - and Mrs.Peebles
gets it five times a day.
B : Sweet little Mrs.Peebles from accounting? Herman, I'm suprised at you for
spreading that kind of rumour.
<Mrs.Peebles walks into the department and up to Jay>
P : By the way, I belong to a support group for sex addicts. We meet every
Thursday. Drop by! just to talk about your problem. <She notices
Mr.Bracken> Hello Paul! That suit fits you very well.
<Mr.Bracken turns away nervously>
J : Can I talk to the two of you out in the hall please?
<Herman, Mrs.Peebles and Jay go out of the office. Before the camera cuts
though, Heddy gets to say:>
HD : Five times a day and she's still in accounting?
<Camera cuts to the elevator area>
J : Mrs.Peebles there seems to be a misunderstanding. I am not a sex addict -
I'm a _guy_. Y'see the difference?
P : Could you go a full day without sex?
J : 'Course I could.....We're talking about sex with somebody else, right?
H : Jay, you have to admit, sex _is_ the focus of your life.
J : It's _not_ the focus of my life I.. <Jay notices an attractive women who
has just come out of the elevator>....It's a large part, yes...Hang on
one sec. <He goes off after the women>
P : Oh dear. He has a serious problem.
H : Mmmm, well I don't know if it is serious yet - I do know that if Jay does
three days without a women he gets the shakes.
<Mrs.Peebles gasps, aparrently suprised. She is holding her left arm>
H : That bad huh?
<Mrs.Peebles gasps again>
H : Well, I think you might be over-reacting slightly <laughs>.
<She gasps again and starts to fall to the floor, clutching her heart>
H : Mrs.Peebles?
<Mrs.Peebles is now on the floor, gasping in pain - it appears she
is having a heart attack.>
<cut to brain>
G : Oh, swell. It's a heart attack!
A : Well c'mon, we know CPR. Let's give her mouth-to-mouth!
AN : Mouth-to-mouth, I'm your man! <forms an 'O' with his mouth>
<cut back to Herman>
H : Someone call 911! <He starts CPR> C'mon Mrs.Peebles,
breathe... Breathe!
<Mrs.P comes round>
H : Mrs.Peebles! Can you hear me? <she gasps some more> Oh, thank God!
<Mr.Bracken, Louise and Heddy walk out of the research department
and into the elevator reception area>
B : Herman, don't encourage her!
<shot cuts away from the scene. It comes back to the research department,
where everyone is back at there desks. Louise walks to Herman's desk>
L : I still can't believe it Herman. You actually saved her life.
H : Well, it was just a natural reaction Louise - y'know its just lucky
I took that CPR class back in Ohio.
HD : <Walking to Herman> That's your problem. See, New York CPR is different.
Here you bend down, tilt their head back <tilting back Herman's head> and
gently ask "Have you promised your apartment to anyone?"
<Mr.Bracken emerges from his office>
B : Knock off the chatter.
<Everyone returns to their desks. Mr.Bracken walks up to Herman's desk>
B : Herman. I'm sorry I misread what was going on out there with Mrs.Peebles.
What you did was extraordinary, son. Mr.Waterton himself just called to
say you should be rewarded!
H : <Gasps> That's not necessary.
B : Those were my words exactly. None the less, I'm proud of what you did, but
not suprised. That's the kind of young man you are. <he slaps his shoulder
and walks out of the research department.>
<cut to brain>
G : God I hate it when she gets a swelled head!
<camera cuts to Angel, who is right up to the camera. Her head fills
the screen as if viewed through a fisheye lens. She has a _huge_
smile on her face!>
<cut back to research department. Jay rushes into the office. His
ruffled clothes suggests that he has been up to something illicit!>
J : Herman! I heard you saved Mrs.Peebles' life, man - nice going.
H : Yeah well, someone had to do it. Hey, where d'ya go anyway?
J : Oh I..ah, got lucky with that girl in the green dress.
H : Woh, woh Jay? What, you already....
J : Yeah.
HD : In the copy room. <Heddy is showing some photocopies to people. She walks
up to Jay and gives him a stack of copies.> Someone just started
circulating these. Ten bucks says that's a picture of your butt! <Jay
starts studying the pictures>
H : I can't believe this!
J : Ohh, she's right Herm - that's my fanny! <pointing to the picture> See the
little mole?
H : And you don't have a problem, huh?
J : No. Look Hermo - I'm practising safe sex, I'm not hurting
anyone - and this was done on recycled paper.
H : Look, do what you want, just remember any habit can turn into a sickness.
J : Herman - Lou Gehrig's disease is a sickness. What do you call
enjoying lots of sex?
L : <walking past> Wilt Chamberlain's disease.
J : Let's face it pal - you're a little envious. I'll catch you later.
<cut to brain>
A : He's in total denial. We have to help him.
W : What can we do for him?
A : We can encourage him to get involved in that sex addicts support group.
AN : <walking up to the other three> Hey, what are we talking about?
G : We're talking about making Jay join a group that's going to stop him
from having lots of sex.
<pause... Animal laughs>
AN: Hahahahaha.....No really, what are we talking about?
<cut back to Herman>
H : Jay. All I'm saying is going the sex addicts group couldn't hurt.
<Louise walks appears by Herman and Jay>
L : Oh Herman. Don't bother Jay. Can't you see he's perfectly happy?
J : Thank you Louise.
L : And he'll lead a perfectly happy life. He will continue to use one women
after another and throw them out, like so much old fruit. And in the end
he'll be another lonely, saggy, single guy with nothing to show for his
life except some memories - and even those will fade.
J : That's where you're wrong Louise - I got pictures!
L : You're pathetic! <She walks back to her desk>
<Jay thinks for a second or two>
J : <to Herman> Okay, okay. When is this...sex support thing?
H : Tomorrow night. Hell, I'll even go with you!
J : Fine - I'll do it. But it's so stupid Herm, I don't need help.
<shot cuts to the next night, where Herman and Jay are at the
support group. A women is in the middle of her 'confession'>
D : ...And every day I still fight the urge to grab a total stranger
and have...relentless, filthy sex with him.
<Herman and Jay look stunned>
J : <whispering to Herman> Thank you for helping me Herman!
Leader : Er..Obviously this obsession puts a serious strain on your work?
D : Oh yes - I'm an attorney and sometimes I can't concentrate in court. I'm
too busy having...erotic fantasies about..every man in the room.
J : <to Herman> Remind me to go settle that traffic ticket.
H : <to Jay> Try to take this seriously, will ya?
<cut to brain>
AN : We, have hit, the mother load!
<cut back to Herman et al>
D : Well, that's all I wanted to say. <She sits down>
Leader : Thank you. Who'd like to go next?
<Jay puts his hand up>
Leader : <Acknowledging> Yes. What would you like to discuss?
J : Well actually I'd like to get back to her problem <pointing to Danielle>.
These fantasies of yours - are they limited to men in the legal profession
or do you ever find yourself thinking about doing it with..say
eeerrrr..writers?
D : I don't know - I guess I could.
J : Have you ever done a human sandwich?
H : J..Jay. I think you're missing the point.
D : Actually I have.
H : <Stunned expression on his face> Really? W..Were you the bread or the
meat?
Leader : Would one of you care to stand and speak?
J : Yes. <standing up> Glad to...Glad to. Ermm.. My name is....
Leader : <interrupting> Excuse me, but..in this programme we prefer
not to use our names.
J : Oh, okay. Errr..I'll just use my first initial. <pauses>
I'm 'J' my phone number is 212-555...
Leader : <interrupting> What would you like to discuss?
J : Well, I also find that I need...sexual gratification...constantly. Ummm.
I wish I didn't. God, I wish I didn't. Ummm..I..<the women next to him
puts her hand on his leg> I just err...<He is now holding the women's hand>
I need help..you know? <He puts his head on the adjacent women's shoulder.
She comforts him.. The 'comforting' starts to get stronger...>
H : Jay. Jay, knock it off!
<The comforting gets stronger and stronger. Herman pulls Jay and the women
apart. A second later, the women grabs Jay and pulls him into her again.
Now the leader of the group assists Herman and pulls Jay off the women.>
<The door opens and Mrs.Peebles walks in>
P : Hi everybody. Sorry I'm late.
D : <To Mrs.Peebles> Are you alright?
P : Oh - just a little mishap. I suffered a slight heart attack
at work a few days ago.
<the group gasp and sigh>
P : Oh - lucky I was standing with a young man who gave me CPR. He broke a
couple of ribs but he save my life.
J : And here he is folks! <pointing to an embarrassed looking Herman>
This is him - this is the guy who saved her life.
<the group clap etc. Camera cuts to brain>
W : Oh great! Now they know our face and everyone in this room thinks
we're a sexual deviant too.
AN : <standing up and entering a 'Shakespearian' speaking position> 'Tis better
to be known as a deviant..then never to have known deviance at all.
<The audience clap and flowers start flying at Animal. Quite a few
seconds pass before the camera cuts back to the group session.>
P : Oh Herman - you came!
H : Jay came. This is for him. I..I'm..I'm not over sexed. <the lady next the
Herman looks at him...> I'm not under sexed. I'm..just..perfectly sexed.
And.a.a..and I'm just here to help.
Leader : Why don't we take a short break, and reconvene in..ten minutes?
<All members get up and start to leave. Louise walks into
the room and up to Herman>
L : Hi Herman, how's it going?
H : Louise, what are you doing here?
L : I'm having a meeting down the hall with my "Virgin Support" group.
I stopped by to see if the sex addicts want to play some Volleyball after
their meeting. The agoraphobics didn't show. How's Jay doing?
H : Well, I got him here - from now on he's on his own.
<camera cuts to Jay, who is having a conversation with
the women who 'comforted' him earlier..>
J : ...four times a day - that's terrible! <they walk towards
the exit of the room> Have you made your quota yet?
L : Oh well Herman. I guess getting Jay to cut out sex was
kind of a lost cause. <laughs>
H : Yeah - I suppose.
L : So why are you doing this for him?
H : Well I don't know Louise - I've just always believed if you do something
for someone else it might...come back around in the end.
<Mrs.Peebles and Danielle enter the room and notice Herman>
P : Oh here you are Herman. Danielle and I were just talking
about what you did to me.
H : <laughing> No..please - it was nothing.
P : Well, she <Danielle> doesn't think so.
H : Oh really?
D : That's right. I've advised my client to sue you for breaking her ribs.
H : Well I......<it sinks in. Herman looks at Louise, who is standing with
her mouth open, aghast.>
<Commercial break....>
<Camera cuts to MacAnally's - Heddy, Louise and Herman
are in a group around a table, eating and drinking.>
L : I can't believe Mrs.Peebles is suing you Herman,
she seemed like such a nice lady.
H : She is a nice lady - she just got coerced by a sleazy lawyer.
L : But you were saving her life! What does a lawyer think she
could sue you for?
HD : Anyone could sue anyone for anything Louise. If you wanted
you could sue me for...for having blond hair.
L : On what grounds?
H : Fraud.
HD : I hope she reams you. Serves you right for being too
stupid to look the other way.
H : What are you saying - I should have let her die!?
HD : Herman, how many times do I have to tell you, this is New York, not Ohio.
Watch this. <A waiter is walking towards the bar, past Herman & co's
table. He is carrying a large amount of plates, etc. Heddy sticks her leg
out and trips the waiter over. While the waiter is rubbing his leg, Heddy
says:> Take another iced tea when you get a chance? <She looks at Herman,
smiling> Comprende?
<Jay walks in and approaches the waiter, still on the floor>
J : Hi - I'll take a burger, err..medium rare, and...a beer. <He sits down
at the table where Herman and the others are seated.> Hey guys!
<They all say their "Hello"s...>
L : How's the sex addicts group going?
J : It's going well. Very well indeed - I mean, I only started it yesterday
but I am proud to annouce that I haven't had sex in..<looks at his watch>
12 hours.
H : You had sex after the meeting last night?
<Jay nods>
L : Jay! I can't believe it! You slept with a women from your
sex addicts group?
J : No - I slept with a women from your "Virgin Support" group.
I think her name was..Denise?
L : Not Denise! <turning to Herman> She was my lab partner.
J : It's no big deal Louise. It was over like that <clicks his fingers.
Louise puts her hand to her chest and gasps in shock>
HD : Well, at least her first time was special.
H : And you call this going very well? I'd hate to see you on a binge.
HD : Herman - when are you going to learn? Stay out of other people's
problems. You're only going to get burned.
H : Look, I am not going to get burned Heddy - and I'll tell you something
else. I am not going to get sued. I still believe there are still a lot of
decent people around, and Mrs.Peebles is one of them. So if you want to be
a jaded New Yorker - fine, that's you. It's is _not_ me.
<Mrs.Peebles enters the bar with a man. She points to Herman>
P : That's him.
<The man walks to Herman and hands him an envelope. Mrs.Peebles and
the man leave. Herman opens the envelope and looks at the contents..>
H : Dear God! She's suing me for everything I've got!
<cut to brain - all four brain characters are in a line>
A : That does it!
G : Today, we are a New Yorker.
<The four start pushing and shoving>
W : Hey - Hey, watch it!
AN : You watch it!
G : I'm standing here - I'm standing here!
A : It's a hundred degrees in this freaking brain!
AN : <to Wimp> Who are you calling a mook!? Punches Wimp on the nose.
<cut back to Herman - he is at his desk, on the phone.>
H : Yeah - is this "Narboni and Flug - Legal advice at a cosy price"? Good, I
wan...No, I haven't lost a limb or a digit, but I do have a finger right
here for you. Now put a lawyer on the phone!
<Louise's phone rings and she answers it>
L : Herman., Line 2. It's Evelyn<?> from the PBS station returning your call.
<Herman punches a button on the phone>
H : Hello Evelyn. Yes, a couple of weeks ago I phoned in a pledge for ten
dollars...Well, you're not getting it babe! And I'm keeping the free
tote bag - Hah! <He pushes another on the phone> Hey, what is the hold up?
<Louise walks over to Heddy's desk>
L : It is so wierd seeing Herman be a typical New Yorker.
HD : Oh yeah, he really sells it. Kinda like watching <????> community
theatre doing "Goodfellas".
<Camera cuts back to Herman>
H : Fine Mr.Flug, you're hired....Yeah that's right - be at my deposition
tomorrow at ten 'o clock.....What do you mean all fees up front,
what's your fee?..
<after a short pause Herman's face changes to anger>
H : What!? Y'call that price cosy you...bottom-feeding son-of-a-bitch?!
You're fired! <Herman slams the phone down>
<cut to brain>
A : Hey! This is kinda fun! <Great line ;) >
<cut back to Herman's desk. Louise walks up to him>
L : Herman.....
H : Later Louise.
L : I think you're taking Heddy's advice too literally.
H : Buzz off will ya!?
L : Hey! I'm cute as a button - don't talk to me like that!
H : Yes - I'm sorry Louise. I'm a little tense okay?
I've never been sued before.
L : Don't worry Herman. Mrs.Peebles isn't going to get anything from you.
You aren't worth diddly!
<Louise goes back to her desk. Jay walks into the department with
a lollipop in his mouth and another in his hand. >
J : Hey Herm!
H : Oh Jay - I need you to...what's with the lollipops?
J : Oh, it's to help take my mind off my problem. I'm supposed to pop one of
these in my mouth every time I feel the urge to have sex. <He puts the
lollipop that he had in his hand into his mouth>
H : Why do you have two in your mouth?
J : I just passed those twins from marketing.
H : Look, I want you to give a deposition for me tomorrow. Ten 'o clock,
out in the hall where it all happened.
J : Ten 'o clock - gotcha. (a women has passed Herman and Jay. He unwraps
another lollipop and puts it in his mouth) So? What time you want me to
be there?
H : Ten, Jay.
J : I'll be there buddy. <He sees another women in the lift area> If I'm,
er...late <putting another lollipop in his mouth> - I'm at the dentist.
<Jay leaves the office with 4 lollipops in his mouth >
<Mr.Bracken emerges from his office with a hammer in his hand>
B : Herman. I have to change around some shelves in my office - you wanna
step inside and give me a hand?
H : <quite angry> Who do I look like, Bob Villa?
<Louise starts to take cover under her desk>
B : <not very amused> Pardon?
H : Suppose I help you put up the shelves, then suppose they crash down on
your body so it's mangled and crushed beyond recognition. How do I know
you won't sue me, huh? <now talking right into Mr.Bracken's face> Huh!?
B : Okay - calm down. Don't let this lawsuit rattle you.
H : Right. Calm down..
B : Now, do you have a lawyer?
H : I just fired him, the....blood-sucking piece of
<shouting> sewage-spewing vermin!
B : <Interrupting> Easy! Easy.
<Herman gets an idea - his face 'lights up'>
H : Wait a minute. Mr.Bracken, you know some law don't you?
B : Well, I don't mean to brag, but.....I know everything.
<Louise laughs loudly>
L : Ha ha! Okay, what number am I thinking? <smiling>
B : <to Louise> Seven.
<Louise's smile is wiped from her face instantly>
L : Damn - He _does_ know everything.
<camera cuts to Herman and Mr.Bracken again>
H : Oh - forget it. I'll be my own lawyer.
B : Herman. You're going to need a clear thinker, and judging from the
foam around the corners of your mouth, you don't really qualify.
H : I'm sorry Mr.Bracken - please, be my lawyer.
B : Ohh I'd be glad to Herman.
<Mr.Bracken walks past Louise towards his office>
B : <confidently> 19.....
<camera cuts to Louise, who has a horrified look on her face>
L : Ohh!! It's eerie!
<camera cuts away from scene and returns to the area outside the elevator
where Mrs.Peebles had her heart attack. Various people are organising things.
Heddy and Louise stand in the corner, out of the way. Mr.Bracken is sitting
down next to Herman>
B : Now remember Herman, I'll simply ask you what happened, and you answer
me in plain English. Don't worry. This is a deposition, not a trial.
H : Right.
B : Then again, I'm a fact checker, not a lawyer - you may get
your ass kicked.
<Jay walks into the elevator area and up to Danielle & Mrs.Peebles.>
P : Hello Jay - You're looking very dapper this morning.
<grabbing the arm of his jacket>
<Jay takes a lollipop out of his pocket and gives it to Mrs.Peebles>
J : Here - suck on this. <Jay turns to Danielle> Hi! Remember me?
I'm Jay. I'm, err..
<Herman grabs Jay and takes him to one side>
H : Glad to see you're working on your problem.
J : I tried Herman. I really tried, but I have to accept it - I'm a pig who
sleeps with lots of women. I stop sleeping with lots of women then I'm
just...a pig.
<camera cuts to Danielle>
D : Alright - let's get started. Now, we're having this deposition here so
that if need be we can recreate the alleged act exactly as it happened.
<Louise rushes to Danielle>
L : Oh boy! Can I play Herman?
B : Louise - Herman is playing Herman.
L : <Gesturing her arm towards Herman> Why does he always get to play Herman?
B : Shh!
<Louise goes back to her corner with Heddy>
D : Now Mrs.Peebles, explain if you will, what happened on the
morning of August 8th.
P : Well, I was standing right there, <pointing> talking with Herman,
when I felt a pain in my chest.
D : And what happened next?
P : Well, my next recollection is of Herman placing his mouth on mine,
in a deep, penetrating kiss.
<Herman stands up>
H : <pointing to Mrs.Peebles> That's a lie!
P : Then he began to fondle my chest.
H : <still pointing> Another lie!
P : Then he broke three ribs...
<Herman is lost for words. His arm is still pointing at Mrs.Peebles>
H : Well...you got me there. <He sits back down>
D : Thank you Mrs.Peebles.
<Mr.Bracken stands up>
B : We'll now hear the testimony of Jay Nichols.
L & HD : <shouting> YAAAAAYYYYYY!! <They notice Mr.Bracken staring at them
menacingly, and they stop shouting, although their mouths are still open.>
B : <turning to Jay> Jay, tell us what transpired on the morning in question.
J : Sure. Mrs.Peebles had a heart attack, Herman gave her mouth-to-mouth,
then chest compression, and that seemed to do the trick.
B : And where were you when this happened?
J : Err..by that time I was in the copy room...getting collated.
B : Then how could you have witnessed it?
J : I didn't witness it.
B : Then how do you know what happened?
J : Herman told me. If he says it happened, I believe him!
H : I said he was a _friendly_ witness, I forgot he was also a _STUPID_ one!
B : We'll now here the testimony of Herman Brooks.
<Louise and Heddy start shouting again...>
L & HD : HERMAN HERMAN, HE'S OUR MAN. IF HE CAN'T DO IT....
<Mr.Bracken interrupts>
B : GIRLS!
L & HD : NO..... <They both fall silent immediately>
B : I'm going to send you to your desks....
L & HD : <Heads bowed in shame> We're sorry Mr.Bracken.
B : Herman, tell us what happened, in your own words.
H : Well....
<cut to brain. All four characters are grouped around
the filing cabinet - Herman's memory>
G : Alright, alright. I think it's best if you let me present our case.
Logically, calmly, and with dignity.
<cut back to Herman, who is now standing up and walking towards Mrs.Peebles>
H : You..make..me..sick! You keel over with a heart attack! I save your life,
and _this_ is how you repay me! I didn't have to give you mouth-to-mouth!
I didn't wanna give you mouth-to-mouth, but I did it anyway.
<Mr.Bracken is now standing by Herman and trying to calm him down>
B : Aaa..Herman.
<Herman pushes Mr.Bracken away>
H : Oh! Well yeah yeah, fine - don't believe me. Well let me
tell you something, ladies and gentlemen of the Jury.
B : Herman, there is no jury.
<Louise rushes to Mr.Bracken>
L : Oh! Can I play "Ladies and gentlemen of the Jury?"
H & B : Louise!
<Louise returns to her place in the corner>
H : <To the group, but walking to Mrs.Peebles> Let me tell you one thing.
I'd think twice before I took the word of a raging SEX MANIAC!
<shouted in her face>
<Mrs.Peebles starts to choke>
H : Oh no....
<cut to brain - all four characters are standing in a line>
G : Oh let her die, let her die! It's obviously god's will.
A : No, we have to save her, we have to give her the Heimlich.
Quick - grab her from behind!
AN : Alright...<starts to walk out of the screen, Genius pulls him back>
<cut back to deposition area. Herman has got his arms around Mrs.Peebles.
On the second 'hug', the piece of lollipop is shot from her mouth>
P : <Gasping> Oh..oh..oh Herman. What would I do without you?
H : You'd die Mrs.Peebles.
P : That's true! Oh - I'm sorry for what I put you through. Thank you for
saving my life Herman. I'm going to tell my lawyer to drop the lawsuit.
<Everyone is already starting to pack up their things and leave.
Danielle and Jay enter the lift. Mr.Bracken approaches Herman>
B : Herman, you're just gonna have to face it. You're a good guy!
H : Oh <gasping> - thank you Mr.Bracken - can I have the day off?
B : No.
H : I thought you said I was a good guy?
B : You are. I however..am a son of a bitch. <smiles> You take half-an hour.
<Mr.Bracken walks back into the research department> Herman walks slowly to
the elevator and pushes the button. The doors open, and Jay is seen standing
between Danielle and Mrs.Peebles..>
J : So let me get this straight - I'm the meat?
<Danielle and Mrs.Peebles nod. Herman lets the doors
close he walks back to the office...>
END
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