< Transcription for Herman's Head episode 1 - PILOT. > < NOTE : No descriptional information as of yet - only dialogue > < Started - Sun 15th Jan 1995> H : Morning Mr.Crawford. G : People! People! People! Pay attention. We're in a crowd here, and Mr.Crawford, our senior editor, is standing directly in front of us. AN : Leave me alone - I'm tired, I'm hungry, and thanks to this idiot, there's no time for breakfast. W : I didn't want to be late. Being late upsets me. Like, New York upsets me - the subways, the homeless, the muggings, the stench... AN : Wake me up when you get to the hookers! A : I'm homesick! I miss Ohio. I miss Mom, I miss Dad. I miss Pooky the parakeet. AN : The parakeet's been dead for ten years! A : And you don't find that sad? AN : I'll tell you what's sad - breaking a date for three weeks in a row with Sally Cooper, just so we could bring home some extra work. Now that's sad. A : In my opinion, Sally Cooper is a slut! AN : And I happily share that opinion. G : People, please focus! Remember, Crawford has the power to hire, fire and promote! So, let's say something a little....pithy shall we? AN : Whatever we do it's gonna have to wait, 'cos first we're gonna sneeze. W : In front of all these people? : Ahhh....AAAAhhhh..AAAHHHHHHH.... H : AAAHHHCHHOOO!!! H : Excuse me Mr.Crawford. J : Hey Hermy. Morning Mr.Crawford. Little something on the back of your jacket today sir. B : Herman! H : Morning Mr.Bracken. L : Research - whaddya need? Moses and the ten plagues? Hold on. B : Flood, frost, flies, lice, pestilence, , hail, locusts, darkness and death. L : Boy, you sure know your plagues Mr.Bracken. B : My mother's Jewish. Louise, I want references on everything that's underlined. L : Yes sir. B : And find out what smells in here. L : Yes sir. H : Morning Louise. L : Oh morning Herman! H : What is that smell? L : I think it's me. I was researching an article that said, men are sexually attracted by these chemicals called 'Pheremones'. So I bought this new perfume with sheep pheremones. So whaddya think - do I smell like a wild woman? H : 'Wild' is a good word. 'Gamey' is another. L : I'll take 'gamey'. Thanks Herman. H : Good morning Heddy. HD : Good morning Herman. Oh, I see you're wearing your _other_ shirt. Why Louise, new perfume, or are you dating a shepherd? HD : Wooooh - you're dating a shepherd. B : Heddy, Herman, we have a lot of work to do. Louise, get off the phone. Assignments : Heddy - all articles on "Scholastic weekly", "Wedding fashion", "World of pets." Is there an animal in here? Herman - "Downhill skier" , "Kitchens and corners", "Joggers quarterly". Louise - phone. Got it? : Yes sir. B : Good. I need two volunteers. Heddy, Herman, thank you. Crawford, our senior editor, has deadlines for five new magazines. All articles must be checked for accuracy by tommorow. HD : No problem Mr.B. I'll work all night long if I have to. AN : I don't like her! She's a snake and she's trouble! But I bet you she'd be great in the sack! W : How can you possibly reduce everything to the level of sex? AN : Saves time! H : No sweat Mr.Bracken. It's as good as done. L : Research. William Kemler? B + L : Axe murderer. First man to be electrocuted in America. August 6th 1890. L : You're welcome. J : Heddy? HD : In your dreams Jay. J : Alright. Herman! Fortune smiles on you - we're going to the opening of a ne w club tonight. H : Can't - I'm working all night. There's a new position in Crawford's divisio n and I want it. This is my chance to make an impression on him. Tonight, you and Connie are on your own. J : Oh Connie? Yeah..Connie..can't go either..actually. Okay. Call me if you change your mind. J : Herman, am I crazy, or does something smell _great_ in here? H : Who is it? Connie : It's me! H : Who's me? Everybody looks like Carl Molden through this thing. Connie : Connie! H : Hi Connie! Connie : Hi Herman! I really have to talk to you. Ummm...I'm not disturbing you r work am I? H : This? G : Yes, this! Our first opportunity to impress Mr.Crawford. AN : Lighten up stuffy! Time out - we've got a babe in the apartment! H : This is..this is nothing. So umm, what's up? Connie : Jay was out with another woman last night. Vicky Holloway told me. H : You're kidding - who was he with? Connie : Vicky Holloway. So that's it. It's over. I move on! Oh Herman, what am I going to do?! AN : Wait a minute.. Soft, round..YES! WE ARE HOLDING A WOMAN! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! G : Connie has given us no overt sexual signals, and neither have we. AN : Yeah? She keeps holding her body against us like this, she's going to get an overt signal she's not going to believe! W : Please, let's not even think about anything where we might have to get na..naked. A : Don't worry my pathetic little friend. We're here to give Connie solice, comfort and friendship. AN : Are you crazy?! This is the girl of our dreams! And you know what kind of dreams I'm talking about! W : You mean the one where mom's spanking us? AN : Close. H : Connie..D'know ma..maybe Jay just needs a good..spanking. AN : Whoop! H : I'm sorry! Did I just say 'spanking'? I meant..space. Maybe..maybe Jay just needs a little space. Connie : You know what Herman? I ought to go out and have an affair myself. I'l l just go out, find the first man I see, rip his clothes off, and give him the night of his life. What do you think? AN : I think we get this girl some booze! H : How about a glass of wine? Connie : Thanks! Oh Herman, I don't know if I really have it in me to have an affair. H : Maybe wine's not such a good idea. Connie : On the other hand, the thought of vengeful, unbridled sex really does excite me. H : Oh what the heck, a little wine never hurt anybody. Connie : On the other hand, I really don't wanna hurt Jay. H : Look Connie, I..I don't think an affair is really the best idea. AN : Having an affair is a great idea! A : She's vulnerable, she's in pain, SHE'LL DO ANYTHING! AN : I KNOW! W : Wait a minute, what are we doing here? We have got to get our work done. This is our chance to impress Crawford. G : The wuss here makes an excellent point. Dump the woman! A : Alright - if we're going to dump her, let's dump her gently. AN : Okay. But when she's on her way out, let's look at her butt! H : Listen Connie, I'm sure you're gonna feel a lot better about this. Listen, why don't you just go home and sleep on it. Connie : You're right. Bye Herman. Hey, would you like to out and have dinner tomorrow night? H : Tomorrow? Yeah, sure, tomorrow is great. Connie : Great. Connie : Will it be alright if we just talk a little more? You are so sweet! You know, when I first met Jay and we started going out, I thought this is the kind of man I can really open up to. This is the kind of man..I could spend the rest of my life with. L : Research. That's what it says here - the average time for sex for humans is two minutes. Yes, that's with a partner. J : Hey! H : I can't talk Jay. J : W.w.what's the problem? H : I fell asleep last night, I only checked one article. I am dead! J : Well lie. What's this - West Point? H : That's good Jay - I lie, mistake is made and the company gets sued, I get fired and I never become a magazine writer in New York. I'll be back in Toldeo shovelling fries at a burger stand. J : Connie and I broke up this morning. H : I'm sorry Jay. J : Oh hey! It happened two hours ago. You can't let dwell on these things forever. It's time to rejoin the living. So whaddya want to do tonight? H : Oh! I c..I can't tonight. I'm..I'm busy. J : Why Herman, do you have a date? H : Well... J : That's great man, way to go! She got a friend? Nah! Never mind, I'll get my own. See you later pal. J : Excuse me - you busy tonight? L : In the movie 'The Forbidden Planet', what was the name of the planet? B + L : Altera 4. ..in 1956 starring Leslie Neilsen. Get of f the phone Louise. L : I'm sorry. B : People, I need all completed work on my desk now. C : Okay Bracken, I have to go to print. Is everything ready? B : Okay, what do we have? Heddy? HD : All done! It's alphabetised, cross-referenced and colour coded. Oh yes, and I also baked some croissants! L : She is good! She is real good! B : Herman? W : Oh my God. We only checked one article. What do we do? AN : We get some black bikini underwear. W : Yeah, we... What are you talking about? AN : They broke up! Jay wants her to be happy. I say tonight we wear black bikini underwear. B : Herman? H : Yes, Mr.Bikini...Mr..Mr.Bracken. B : I need that work, are you finished with it? W : Arrgghh!! Whadda we do? AN : Honesty is always the best policy. G : Not in this case. H : Yes sir. All done! Checked every page. AN : Jim Palmer eat your heart out! A : This woman is coming here to talk! Where's your dignity, your honour, your sense of decency. AN : They're in my pants! G : Now honour is something to think about. AN : I'll give you something to think about. This little fantasy I've been working on for the last two days. It goes something like this. Connie : Okay Herman - do you like what you see? Here it is pal, come and get it. AN : Yeeaahhh! W : Hold it! Hold it! Has anybody thought about this? Connie : Herman! H : Ooo!! Connie : God! What do you think you're doing? Candle, flowers, dinner. You are disgusting. You are a pig! C : Soon to be an unemployed pig. AN : You know something? You are really a downer. If we ever become impotent, you can take a bow! H : This is ridiculous! H : Err..Just a minute! H : Coo..Coming! H : Hi! Connie : Hi! Connie : Oh Herman, this is so sweet. A : We're sweet. Did you hear that? G : Yes - perhaps we should say something nice in return. AN : Good idea. How about "Take off your dress."? W : Oh my God, mom! AN : I say say "Take off your dress." and think about mom? You've got a serious personal problem pal! W : It's the 14th. We forgot - it's mom's birthday. Connie : Herman, I..I never knew you cooked! I'm impressed. All this for me. H : Well, it's my mother's birthday. Connie : Oh, Is she joining us? H : I don't think so. Connie : Well, you cook, you're a great listener, you're intelligent. What don't you do? W : We don't tell the truth, that's what we don't do. AN: And we don't score either! I say we nail her. A : Look. If we're going to get involved with Connie, there's only one way top handle it - Find a spiritual connection. Treat her with honesty, respect an d sensitivity...and then we nail her! Connie : ...So anyway I said "If it's freedom you want it's freedom you can have." Connie : Flowers? Candles? What are they doing in the...garbage? Herman? Were..these for me? H : For you, no....yes. Connie : Oh Herman. I don't know what to say. H : I'm sorry. I got a little carried away, I stopped thinking of you as a friend and..started thinking of you as a woman. Connie : A woman? Why would you think of me as a woman? H : I don't know - the hair, the breasts. Connie : Were you planning to make a move on me? H : No. H : Yes. Listen Connie. The truth is, I like you, I have always liked you. Connie : Always? H : Ever since the first night we met I couldn't take my eyes off you. You were wearing that funny floppy grey hat, and I just thought that you were the most...beautiful woman that I..I had ever seen. Connie : Herman - this is a mistake! H : A big mistake! Connie : We shouldn't be doing this! H : I agree absolutely! Connie : Give me just one...minute. H : Take two. Connie : Okay. AN : Ooohh boyyy. A : What do you have to say now? AN : Our skin's about to clear up! H's mom : Herman? Son? What about my birthday? W : Sorry mom, not now! G : Condoms! Don't forget the condoms! H : Go away whoever you are! J : Hello Herman. I gotta talk to you! H : Who is it? J : Who the hell do you think it is? H : Carl Molden? J : It's Jay. Jay!!!! H : Jay! J : Hi! H : Hi! J : I know you've got a date, but I have gotta talk to you man. Hey, where is she? H : She's in the bathroom. J : Ooohh it's halftime huh? Okay - I'll make this quick. Um..Have you seen Connie? I can't find her anywhere. H : Connie? I thought you didn't care about her any more. J : Yeah. Well, I was....kidding myself I guess. I can't stop thinking about her, all day man. Wow, I must really..love her. I think. Look, look. If you do happen to see her would you please tell her I'm really sorry. Tell her I still care and tell her what..ever else you think might work okay? H : If I see her, I'll tell her. J : Thanks Herm, you're a good friend. H : Yeah, so are you buddy. A : Another lie. W : Right into his face! A : Who do we lie to next? Connie? G : She is correct. We have a problem here. AN : No! N..n..n..no. There's no problem. We just tell her the truth 20 minutes from now. "Oh, by the way, Jay dropped by." Connie : I saw this in a Doris Day movie. Well whaddya think? AN : NO, PLEASE! I'M BEGGING YOU! A : SHE HAS A RIGHT TO KNOW THE TRUTH! AN ; NO SHE DOESN'T! Connie : Herman! H : Connie! Connie : Herman. H : Connie...Connie, I..I..I have to..tell you something. I can't..do this. Connie : Herman. Sometimes that happens to men. We can just hold each other. H : No - I can do that! Jay was just here. He was looking for you. Connie : Really? W..what did he say? H : Well, it seems he feels he.. Connie : Made a mistake? H : Yes.....He.. Connie : And he still loves me? H : Yes. Connie : And he wants to talk to me? H : Yes. Connie : Oh, Herman. H : Listen. You should talk to him Connie, it's the right thing to do. Connie : Y'know, you didn't have to tell me all this. You could have...waited until...after. H : It crossed my mind. H : Morning everybody. HD + L : Shhhh! H : What's the matter? L : A really big mistake was found after everything went to print. W : I knew it I knew it I knew it I knew it I knew it! B : And I'm telling you we don't overlook things like that. If they said your articles were check, they were checked. B : Who's supposed to verify the world anthropologists articles? H : I...think that was me. C : Dugh! I knew it'd be you. Clean out your desk Herbert! H : Herman. C : Whatever. B : Just a second. Herman works harder than anybody else here. I totally trust him. Herman, tell him you checked them. W : Would you like fries with your order sir? C : How could he have checked it and let this go? "The average weight of a Danish man's testicles is 24 ounces." 24 ounces! He has people walking around Denmark with testicles that weigh a pound and a half! L : Maybe that's where the expression "Great Dane" came from. I'm sorry..very sorry. G : Testicles! Wait a minute - we checked that! H : Wait a minute, I..I checked that, I did. I..I know I did. H : Let's see..Denmark..testicles...24..grams. It's grams, not ounces. When that..when that article left my desk it said grams. B : You oughta hang somebody Crawford. You hang somebody in printing. C : Well, young man it looks like I...owe you an apology. H : That's okay sir, we all make mistakes. C : No - you handled yourself very well under pressure. You're going to make a name for yourself around here Sherman. H : Herman. C : Whatever. G : The odds of that were staggering! Phenomenal! A : Not really. You see, virtue is rewarded in many ways. Our honesty with Connie was paid back by the Universe. What do think Animal? AN : I think I'm hungry, I'm still horny and I've gotta take a leak! A : Thank you for sharing. J : Hey! Hey, you got a minute? H : Sure, what's up? J : I just want to let you know that er..Connie and I..got back together. H : Oh! That's..that's great Jay. J : Yeah - but I've got competition now Herm. She was out with this..unbelievable guy last night. She said it was the most..romantic night of her life. H : Really? Of her life? J : Yea! I'm in big trouble. You should have heard her. I'm never gonna...live up to this guy. Well, I'll catch you later man. L : Nice going with Crawford Herman. HD : You mean 'Sherman.' H : Whatever. Do you mind er..Heddy, this is kinda personal. HD : What, you got lucky huh? H : You could say that. H : Hi! Hi! I'm glad I caught you at home....Yea..I just wanted to tell you tha t I was sorry about yesterday....Okay..but I just wanted to let you know that I was thinking about...Happy Birthday mom.