Script: Open All Night
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* HERMAN'S HEAD *
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SCRIPT
"OPEN ALL NIGHT"
(episode 40)
by David Landsberg.
Original airdate (Fox): 01/17/93
Script transcribed by Stephen Hill
(Email: steve.d.hill@gmail.com)
Written on the 15th/16th October 1994.
Episode sypnosis: (From Dean Adams' episode guide.)
Herman and Heddy, Bracken and Crawford, and Louise and Jay
form less-than-dynamic duos as they pull an all-nighter to
help a desperate Crawford save his job and meet a publishing
deadline.
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* Characters and their abbreviations *
**************************************
Regular cast:
Herman Brooks .................... William Ragsdale
Jay Nichols ...................... Hank Azaria
Heddy Newman ..................... Jane Sibbett
Louise Fitzer .................... Yeardley Smith
Angel ............................ Molly Hagan
Animal ........................... Ken Hudson Campbell
Wimp ............................. Rick Lawless
Genius ........................... Peter MacKenzie
Paul Bracken ..................... Jason Bernard
Guest Cast:
Mr. Crawford ..................... Ed Winter
ABBREVIATIONS
Main Characters :
_____________________________
/Herman = H / Louise = L /|
/Heddy = HD / Bracken = B / /
/Jay = J / Crawford = C / /
/____________/_______________/ /
|____________|_______________|/
'Brain' Characters:
__________________________
/Angel = A / Wimp = W /|
/Animal = AN / Genius = G / /
/____________/____________/ /
|____________|____________|/
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<OPEN : It's late. Shot shows people leaving the Research Department. Louise
has got a book from the bookcase by the entrance. Just as she returns to
her desk, Mr.Bracken emerges from his office with article in his hand.>
B : Here's another incomprehensible article! The facts are erroneous, the
quotes are clearly made up! This isn't an article about camping - this
is the ramblings of a lunatic! Now who the hell is responsible for this!?
<Shot cuts to entrance. Mr.Crawford walks through the doors and into the
Research Dept.>
C : I'm back!
L : Oh my God!
C : <Walking to Louise's desk, camera follows him> It's amazing what a little
rest and a thousand volts a day will do for ya.
<Shot cuts main entrance. Herman walks into the Research Dept.>
H : Mr.Bracken, you were right. We can't print any of those quotes from the
article on PMS.
C : <Walking to Herman's desk> Dammnit Sherman, it took me twenty minutes to
make up those quotes! By the way, I wanna thank you for coming to visit me
while I was away in Rolling Valley.
H : My pleasure.
<Louise is now by the bookcase again. She walks over to Herman>
L : Herman, that is so sweet. You went to visit him?
<Herman mouths 'NO!' at Louise. Shot cuts to Mr.Bracken and Mr.Crawford>
B : Crawford, these are a mess. Now don't you have editors to make sure these
things make sense?
C : Ohh..Ahh..Actually that's what I do. I..I've been demoted. Sent back to the
ranks to prove that I've still got the stuff to be a great executive.
So...<Points to the article that Mr.Bracken is still holding >Print that
crap up, will ya?
B : Now I can't do that. You're going to have to have your writers re-do this.
C : I can't. They all quit. They said I was insane. I'm perfectly sane and I've
got the papers from Rolling Valley to prove it! <Takes papers from the
inside of his jacket>
B : You carry papers with you?
<Everyone is now standing by Herman's Desk>
C : You'd be amazed how often it comes up... Well, it's very clear that if I'm
going to get this job done, I have to hire some new writers.
B : When does this magazine go to press?
C : Tomorrow morning, 6am... Paul, you've got help me, Paul!
<Mr.Crawford and Mr.Bracken walk towards Mr.Bracken's office>
B : No I don't.
C : You're the only one I have to turn to Paul.
B : That's too bad - I'm sorry.
C : It's my last chance - it's make or break. Don't let me break, help me make!
<Louise walks over to Mr.Bracken and Mr.Crawford, who are now standing by
Louise's desk>
L : Mr.Bracken......
B : Ooooookay Louise. Well I can help you fix some of these, but this article
on camping has to re-written from word one. Maybe Herman could take a pass
at it.
<Mr.Bracken and Mr.Crawford walk over to Herman's desk>
C : <To Herman> Oh, you'd do that for me? <To Mr.Bracken> He'd to that for me?
H : You bet. I'll go home and work all night if I have to.
L : I'll stay and help you out too Mr.Crawford.
C : Oh thank you Lois!
<Heddy walks into the department>
HD : What's going on?
L : We're all staying late to help Mr.Crawford. He's in trouble.
HD : Oh. Well, goodnight everyone! <Walks over to the coatstand>
B : Heddy! Everyone is going to give Mr.Crawford a hand. Herman is going home
to write an article!
HD : <Walking over to Herman's desk> Herman's gonna write an article? I want my
name on an article. <To Herman> Herman, put my name on that article!
<To all> Goodnight! <She returns to the coatstand>
H : Heddy, if you want your name on it, you're gonna have to help me write it!
<Cut to brain. Angel, Wimp and Genius are standing together>
G : Who said that?
W : I did!
G : Why!?
W : It was logical.
G : <Laughs> And whose job is logic?
W : Yours.
G : And what happens wheen you do a job you're not qualified to do?
W : I dunno.
G : You must wear the "Panties Of Death!"
W : Oh no! Not the "Panties Of Death!" <Runs out of the shot, towards the
camera>
A : What the hell are the "Panties Of Death?"
G : I've no idea. I just combined the two words he fears the most:"Panties"
and.. "Death." <Genius stands looking smug>
<Cut to office>
H : Mr.Bracken - on second thought, I don't need Heddy's help.
B : Noo! That was a good idea. <He walks over to the coatstand and takes
Heddy's arm. He walks her over to Herman's desk> Heddy - You want your
name on that article, you go help Herman!
C : What support! What...loyalty. <He turns to Louise, and puts his arm around
her> It reminds me of that movie, where all the Roman slaves rise up to
defend their leader. They all call out : <normal voice> "I am Sparticus!",
<higher voice> "No, I am Sparticus!", <lower voice> "No, I am Sparticus!"
I'll tell you, I'll never forget it. Well, goodnight! <Walks towards the
entrance>
B : Where do you think you're going?
C : Well, everything's in good hands, why should I stay here?
B : Because we aren't going to do anything if you leave.
C : You're right. Sparticus would never leave. I'll be right here by your side
'til this thing is done.<Puts his arm around Heddy> We'll work together,
we'll eat together, we'll cry together, we'll laugh together! Okay
everybody - let's split up.
<Shot cuts to the inside of Herman's apartment. It is dark (the lights are
out.) Herman opens the door and switches the light on. Herman and Heddy enter
the room>
H : Okay, I'll set up over here. Do me a favour and make some coffee, would ya?
<Herman closes the door and starts to set up his desk>
HD : Wait a second - why should I make the coffee?
H : 'Cause I'm setting up.
HD : Here's the thing Herman. I..I'm embarrased to say, I don't know how to
make coffee. Sorry, I feel like such a fool.
H : Okay, okay. You set up and I'll make the coffee. <He walks in the direction
of his 'kitchen'>
HD : Just be sure you grind it twice, use the number 2 filter and if you can,
steam the milk?
<Cut to brain. All four characters are standing together>
G : Don't you see where this is going? She's weasling here way in here. We'll
end up doing all the work and she'll take half the credit!
W : Sounds like a good plan - especially the weasle part.
G : <Quietly> Panties.
W : Oh my God! Oh my God! <Wimp runs out of shot again>
<Cut to apartment>
H : <Walking back to his desk>
I'm not making any coffee.
HD : Well neither am I!
H : Well look Heddy, we're going to have to work together. Now let's stop being
silly and be mature and adult about this.
<Cut to Mr.Bracken's office. Mr.Bracken has set up his desk. Mr.Crawford is
standing next to it.>
C : Well I don't see why I have to make coffee.
B : I set up - now you make the coffee.
<Mr.Bracken sits down. Mr.Crawford is now standing by the corner of the desk.
Louise walks through the door>
L : Here's a list of those quotes you need. <Handing the list to Mr.Bracken>
B : <To Louise> Thank you.
C : <To Louise> How d'ya like to make coffee for all of us Lois?
L : <To Mr.Crawford> How d'ya like me to go home?
C : Where's that "I am Sparticus" spirit?
L : <Annoyed> I am not Sparticus! I'm not even Lois! <She walks out of
Mr.Bracken's office>
C : Okay! I'll make the coffee! <Walks out>
<Shot cuts to Research Dept (loooking at Mr.Bracken's office) just as
Mr.Crawford emerges from Mr.Bracken's office. Shot then cuts to entrance, where
Jay has just walked through. Jay and Mr.Crawford meet in the centre of the
department>
J Oh! Evening Mr.Crawford.
C : How d'ya like to make coffee for all of us Ray?
J : I..don't think do.
C : You heard about my demotion, didn't ya?
J : Yea!
C : Damn! <Walks out of the Research Dept>
<Shot cuts to Louise's desk, where Mr.Bracken has just given something to
Louise>
B : Herman's not here, beat it! <Walking back into his office>
J : Ah! S'nice to see you too. <Starts to walk out of the department>
B : Wait a minute! <Jay stops walking. Shot cuts to Mr.Bracken> You're a writer!
J : Yeah....
B : How would you like to do Mr.Crawford a favour?
J : Ha! No.
C : How would you like to do me a favour?
J : <Laughs> I don't...think so.
B : How would you like me to tell Mr.Williams what you did with his daughter?
J : <Walking over to Mr.Bracken> How do you know about that?
B : I know everything - I'm Bracken.
J : I'd love to help.
<Louise hands article to Mr.Bracken, who immediatly hands it to Jay>
B : This magazine goes to print tomorrow. This article has to make sense.
J : <Taking the article> Great - I'll do what I can.
B : <Walking back into his office> Thank you.
J : Damn!
<Jay walks towards the centre of the room. Mr.Crawford walks in, holding a jug
of coffee and a cup>
J : <To Mr.Crawford> Oh - do me a favour and er.. brew up a pot for me will ya?
C : Who the hell do you think you are?
J : <Showing the article> I'm the guy who's fixing your article.
C : <Holding up the jug> Drip or percolated?
<Shot cuts to Herman's apartment. Heddy is sitting down and drinking, while
Herman starts to walk from the 'kitchen' to his desk, cup in hand>
HD : Euurgh! This is terrible coffee! <Putting the cup down>
H : Well you should have made it yourself instead of sitting there and doing
your nails. <Sits down at his desk>
HD : Oh right - like if I made the coffee you'd do my nails? <Files her nails>
<Shot cuts to Herman, who is hunching over a pad of paper, with a pencil in his
hand>
H : Okay, let's see. "Camping. Or <Thinks. Laughs quietly to himself with
inspiration> how to live the like the homeless on your next vacation."
<Starts to write>
HD : What are you doing?
H : Mmm? I'm just writing a title.
HD : That's a terrible title.
H : I like it. It''s funny.
HD : Why does it have to be funny?
H : People who like camping have a sense of humour.
HD : How do you know?
H : <Stops writing and looks at Heddy, annoyed> Because I camp! I am a camper!
I have the camping attitude and I think it's histerical.
HD : It stinks.
H : W..Are you just going to sit there and bitch and critisise?
HD : That was the plan.
H : Fine. Sit there, I don't care.....<Attempts to write again> Dammnit, I do
care! <Grabbing the pad and standing up. He walks over to the sofa>
HD : <Still filing her nails> What are you going to do now - whine and
complain?
H : Enough of this. <Grabs Heddy's arm and leads her over to the table in the
'kitchen'> You are going to come over here and we are going to write this
article. <Puts the pad and pencil in front on Heddy>
<Cut to Research dept. Jay walks in through the doors, towards Louise's desk>
J : I'm not going to write this article.
L : What's the matter?
J : <Puts the article on Louise's desk> Just..tell Mr.Bracken I don't have the
time, okay? Thanks. <Starts to walk back out of the room>
L : It's a girl, huh?
J : <Stops walking and turns to Louise> Why d'ya say that?
L : 'Cos it's always a girl.
J : Well, it's not a girl.
L : Then it's a boy?
J : <Points at Louise> Very funny.
<He starts to walk out again. Just as he opens one of the doors, he turns around
towards Louise>
J : Look, if you must know, I have "Writer's Block." I haven't been able to do
anything in weeks. I don't even..think I can write any more.
L : Yes you can! You're having trouble 'cause your mind isn't on your work -
it's in the gutter. You're a sexually obsessed, emotionally crippled,
dependant pig.
J : Thought I kept that all hidden!
L : <Picks up the article, stands up and walks towards Jay> It's true! Your one
goal in life is to score with women. Forget about women, this article is
the only is thing that matters. Now sit over there <gesturing to Herman's
desk> and do it.
J : You're right. <Taking the article. Louise walks back to her desk> You're
absolutely right. Thank you. All I ever do, is think about women. <Sits
down at Herman's desk> That's it - I'm gonna focus on this article. Forget
women!
<Jay opens the cover of the article, picks up a pencil and starts to
concentrate>
J : Okay...This is me, focusing on the article.
L : Jay, how come you never made a pass at me?
J : <Looking up> What?
L : You just said, all you ever think about is women. So how come you never
made a pass at me?
J : I.I'm..<points at the article> focusing.
L : <Stands up and walks over to Jay> We will focus on work when you answer my
question.
J : Louise, this is.. very personal stuff. And I really don't think people who
work together should discuss..personal stuff.
<Cut to Mr.Bracken's office. Mr.Bracken is writing and Mr.Crawford is staring
into space>
C : My wife is leaving me.
B : <Not looking up> I heard the rumours - I'm sorry.
C : Just can't seem to relate to her. Did I ever tell you I didn't get along
with my parents?
B : No....
C : I wasn't a favourite. And the fact that I was an only child just made it
worse.
B : <Looking towards Mr.Crawford> Crawford, I'm sorry you're having problems
with your wife, but we have a lot of work to do.
C : Do you like me Paul? Answer honestly, I insist.
B : No.
C : You could have hesitated a moment before answering.
B : <Pointing towards the Research Dept.> I'm going in the other room if you
don't stop talking.
C : I'm scared. I'm 52 years old and I'm scared. <Stands up and walks behind
the desk> I'm leaving my marrige, my career is over and..I can't think of
a soul that I can truely call my friend.
B : Maybe it's because you never take the time to listen to what people...
C : <Interruptiong> You're interrupting me Paul. I'm spilling my guts out here.
B : <Standing up> I'm outta here.
C : You're leaving?
<Cut to Herman's apartment. Herman slams his briefcase shut>
H : Yes, I'm leaving. <Standing up> We've been sitting here for two hours and
you've done nothing. <Walking towards his front door> I'll finish it at the
office.
HD : <Standing up> Hey! You are not going anywhere. You're gonna stay here and
do anything I want you to. You'll do your work, my work, and if I feel
like it, my taxes!
H : What makes you think I'm going to do your taxes?
HD : <Sitting down> 'Cos I'm not wearing any underwear. <Poses seductively>
<Cut to brain. Animal is sitting down, typing on a printing calculator. As the
audience cheers, he tears off the printout and reads it. After a couple of
seconds, he looks up and at the camera>
AN : Exactly how many deductions do you have?
<Cut to apartment. Herman throws his keys onto his desk and walks back towards
Heddy>
H : Heddy, I think you over-estimate the power of your underwear.
HD : Oh..You really think so?
<She shows off some leg. Wahay! :) >
H : Sorry, what was I saying?
HD : <Stroking them hem of her skirt> We were talking about the power of my
underwear.
H : What is it with you? You think you can get anything you want just by
showing your legs?
HD : Sure - why not? Beats the hell out of working.
H : Yeah, well it's not going to work this time. You're either going to sit
there and help me, or get out.
HD : Or I'm going to seduce you into greatefully doing all the work for me.
<She strokes the inside of Herman's leg with her foot>
H : Oh no you're not.
HD : <Stading up> Oh yes I am.
H : On no you're not! <Heddy has now put her arms around Herman's neck>
<Cut to brain. Animal is typing away at the calculator. He doesn't look up>
AN : Oh yes she is.
<Cut to apartment. Heddy is running her hands gently over Herman's face>
H : Heddy, that's not gonna work.
<Heddy runs her hands over his chest>
H : Heddy, that is not going to work!
<She puts her arms around Herman and moves them to his lower back. She squeezes
him>
H : That's gonna work!
HD : Take me Herman!
<Cut to Research Dept. Louise is standing next to Jay, who is still sitting
down>
J : Kiss me Jay.
<Cut to Mr.Bracken's office>
C : <Flinging his arms around Mr.Bracken> Hold me Paul!
<COMMERCIAL BREAK>
<Shot returns to Herman's apartment. Heddy and Herman are in each other's arms.
Herman is getting frisky :> >
HD : You know what this means Herman?
H : I think it means a trip to the drugstore.
HD : No. It means... I win! <Sits down on the sofa>
H : <Laughs> You did not win Heddy, I didn't fall for any of that! <The look on
his face is hard to describe, but you know he's lying>
HD : <Laughing> I could get you to paint my apartment if I wanted to.
H : Get out of here. <Points over his shoulder with his left thumb to the door>
<Heddy stands up again and starts to kiss Herman on his neck>
<Shot cuts to brain. Animal is dressed in a white workman's outfit, and is
stirring a can of paint.>
AN : One coat or two? <Continues to stir the paint for a couple of seconds>
<Shot cuts to apartment. Heddy is still kissing Herman. Herman is groaning
with pleasure>
HD : <Breaking off and laughing> You see? I win again!
<Cut to brain. Genius is now standing next to Animal>
G : You knew she was going to do that, how could you fall for it?
AN : I didn't know!
G : <Folding his arms> Well I knew!
AN : Then what the hell are ya yellin' at <shouting> ME FOR!?
<Cut to apartment>
H : Okay, okay.You're right - there is one thing you're capable of, but let me
tell you something. It's a good thing you have those legs <pointing to her
legs> because that's all you got! <Walks to his desk>
HD : Excuse me?
H : You heard me.
HD : What, you think I can't write this article?
<Cut to brain. Angel, Genius and Animal are standing together>
G : That's right.
A : We have to do something to make her feel better right now!
AN : I'll handle this!
<Animal starts to walk out of the shot, but Genius stops him>
G : No! No! What you're thinking about makes you feel better, not her.
AN : Oh yeah - I always get those two mixed up.
<Cut to apartment>
H : Forget I said anything.
HD : <Walking over to Herman> No - you think I'm incapable.
H : This is a stupid conversation, because obviously I'm going to get no help
from you so I'll just write this article by myself, and your name isn't
going on it. <He grabs the paper and pencil>
HD : I don't want my name on it - I can write my own damn article.
H : <Laughs sarcastically> Oh yeah, sure you can. <Walking towards his sofa>
HD : I can!
<Herman stops and turns towards Heddy>
H : Okay, I'll tell you what. <Walking towards Heddy> I'll write my article,
you write yours. <He hands her the pad> Let's see whose they choose.
<Heddy tears some paper off the pad and takes a pencil from Herman>
HD : That is fine with me. <Forces the rest of the pad into Herman's stomach>
And I am not incapable.
<Cut to brain. Genius is shown alone, writing. He looks up>
G : Yes you are.
<Cut to apartment. Herman sits down on the sofa. Shot cuts to Heddy, who is
sitting at the table>
HD : I hate you Herman!
<Cut to Mr.Bracken's office. Mr.Crawford is behing Mr.Bracken, who is working.
Mr.Crawford puts his hands on Mr.Bracken's shoulders.>
C : I love you Paul.
B : Crawford - you're starting to scare me now.
C : Oh well dammnit - <walking back to his chair>it's just that no-one's ever
done anything this nice for me before.My wife says I'm a lunatic.
B : Your wife is a wise women.
C : D'you respect me Paul? Again, be honest.
B : No.
C : Again, you could have thought about it for a second.
B : This salmon fishing article is a mess too.
C : Why are you doing this?
B : I hate shoddy work.
C : <Standing up> No no no - it's more that that. <Walking towards Mr.Bracken>
You don't respect me, you don't like me, you think I'm a lunatic and yet
you're willing to stay here all night to try to help me get my old job
back. Why!?
B : <Closing the cover of one article and putting it to one side> You never
caused me this much trouble in your old job. Maybe if you get it back
you'll leave me alone.
<Mr.Crawford opens the cover of the recently finished article and reads it>
C : Where d'you get all these facts about salmon fishing?
B : I knew them. I've been in research for 25 years. I know how much a fly
weighs, I know the circumference of the moon, the population of
Olklahoma.
C : Good God man - you ought to be on "Jeopardy."
B : Will you shut up?
C : I killed your career - did you know that? About 10 years ago Waterton
asked me if I thought you'd be a good executive. <Sitting down> I told him
"No." I said "Leave him in the Research department, that's where he
belongs."
<Cut to Research Department. Louise throws a book onto Herman's desk, where Jay
is working. He looks up>
J : What's with you tonight?
L : How come you wouldn't kiss me before?
J : Louise - C'mon! <Standing up and walking towards the bookcase> Jeez, I
thought you were joking.
<Jay obtains a book from the shelves. Louise walks up to him>
L : I don't get it. You chase everything in a dress - except of course
Mr.<?> <Not a CLUE about this one> in marketing. And yet with me it's
always "Hi Louise, how's it going?" Did you ever stop to think "Hey,
there's Louise, I think I'll take a shot at her."
J : Louise, I..I didn't even know you were interested in me.
L : I'm not interested in you.
J : Well then would you please tell me what the hell this is all about?
L : I feel left out! At first I was glad that you never made a pass at me. You
always made passes at Heddy, you made passes at women that you knew,
women that didn't know, short women, tall women, fat women, bald women.
J : It's a volume business Louise.
<Jay walks back to the desk. Louise follows him>
L : But you never made a pass at me! Don't you see? My ego is hurt. I'm not
saying I want you to marry me but it'd be nice to know you at least find me
attractive. So come one, ask me something crude so I can tell you to take a
hike!
J : Okay, joke's over, okay? I.I gotta get back to work. <Sits down>
<Louise walks back towards her desk>
L : A man who would make a pass at Margeret Thatcher avoids me at all costs.
<Sits down>
J : Okay. You really wanna know....why I never even looked in your direction?
L : Yes, I do.
<Cut to Hermans apartment. Herman is reading his article out aloud>
H : "Because camping is a reminder that no matter how many people we may put on
the moon, mosquitoes still rule the Earth." Well whaddya think?
HD : Well, I'd love to say that it stinks but it's good. <Turns her article
over so it's face down on the table, and stands up>
H : Well thank you. Are you done?
HD : <Walking over to his bed to get her coat> No, I'm not gonna finish it.
It's stupid, yours is fine.
H : Oh..Well, wait a minute. That's it - mine's fine and you're going?
HD : Congratulations Herman, you win.
H : Well, let me read it, maybe I can give you a couple of hints.
<Heddy briskly walks over to the table and picks up her article>
HD : No - I don't want a couple of hints. I just wanna go. <Briskly walks
towards the front door>
H : Okay, so mine is better - that's really no big deal.
HD : <By the door> I didn't say yours is better, I said it was good. I just
don't want anyone to read this. <Turns around to open the door>
H : Fine.
HD : <Sighs heavily and then turns around to face Herman> I hate that kind of
"Fine." <Walking towards Herman> That is a real "I don't believe a damn
word you're saying" fine.
<She hands the article to Herman>
HD : Here.
<Cut to brain. Allthe characters are standing together. Genius is in the middle
of the group and is holding the article>
A : Okay - I want everyone to come up with something nice to say. Good
spelling, proper margins. Nice penmanship.
G : Just a second. It's good. It's very good.
AN : How can you tell?
G : <Turning to Animal> Because I can read.
AN : <Crying> Well you don't have to rub it in.
<Cut to apartment. Herman is sitting on the sofa reading the article aloud.
Heddy is standing by the desk, facing the wall.>
H : "To all the others that had ever been there it was just a clearing in the
woods. But to me, it was magical. It was chipmunks, salamanders and bugs
that rolled up in a ball. It was a week that we spent together, just he
and I. A week when the world went away and the most important thing in
his life...was me."
<Herman puts the article on the coffee table, out of shot>
HD : <Walking towards Herman> It was right before they got divorced. I was 5.
I guess it was his way of saying goodbye. <She sits down next to Herman>
H : It's very good Heddy - you should finish it.
HD : No - <Grabs the article from the coffee table and tears it up> I..don't..
want..to finish it! <She throws the pieces of article on the floor>
H : Heddy, that was mine.
<Cut to Mr.Bracken's office. Mr.Bracken is trying to work. Mr.Crawford is
standing at the end of the desk>
C : It was yours! Waterton would have given you the job, <sitting down> but I
told him to go with Anderson.
B : <Stopping what he was doing> Crawford, please.
C : I had to keep you down. You stood up to me, and worst of all, you made
sense - that confused me.
B : You think you kept me down all these years? Is that why you have so much
trouble looking me in the eye?
C : That, and I have a lazy left eye.
B : I can't help you with the eye part, but you didn't hurt me - Waterton
begged me to take that job.
C : And you didn't want it?
B : No. Even though I complain I like what I do. I like who I am and what I've
become.
C : You knew I was trying to hold you back, and..still you help me? Why?
B : Because I know how you feel. I'm also 52. I'm in the middle of a divorce
and every day I wonder if I was ever in trouble, who would be there for me.
Looking at you is like...seeing a fish flopping around trying to get back
into the water.
C : Should I take offence at that fish thing?
B : Only if you understood it. <Starts to work again>
C : Oh..Then no offence taken.
<Cut to Research Dept. Jay has just stood up and is walking to Louise's desk.
Louise turns and slowly follows him>
L : Yes I'm offended! It's because you know me? Does that mean if you just met
me on the street you'd hit on me?
J : Louise, I didn't say "because I know you." I said "because you know me."
<Walks back to Herman's desk>
J : You know that I'm insincere, immature, shallow...
L : <Continuing> Egotistical, petty, masogonistic.
<Out of shot, Jay has sat down>
J : I was doin' fine on my own. Thanks. The point is, you see right through me.
I know you don't like me, so.. <Picks up a pencil and attempts to start
work again>
L : Oh no Jay. I like you very much.
J : You do?
L : Yes, I do. I think you're very funny. And you're smart. And you're quite a
hunk of beefcake. It's your obsession with sex that makes you so
unnattractive.
<Louise turns and walks around her desk, back to her seat>
J : Well, I'm sorry Louise, I'm not like you. I enjoy the idea of sex.
L : <Walking quickly towards Jay> And you think I don't!? Let me tell you
something. I could make love to you with all the passion and lust that
would make you forget every women you've ever been with!
<BIG cheers, clapping and whooping from the audience>
L : I just choose not to make sex my one reason for being on the planet. Now,
I've said my piece, get back to work!
<Louise turns and walks to the bookcase near her desk>
J : Quite a hunk of beefcake, huh?
L : <Now with a book in her hand> Figure of speech.
J : <Standing up and walking towards Louise> Last...Thursday. You came into
MacnAlley's. You had a..a dark blouse on. It was open at the neck - 2
buttons, not 1. It was a..windy day, and...your hair was muzzed and your...
cheecks were all red. <Sighs heavily> You were the..prettiest women in the
place.
<The audience sympathetically "ahhhhh">
J : Is there any er...<takes the book Louise was holding and puts it on her
desk> chance of...getting that kiss now?
<Louise puts her arms around Jay's neck and they kiss - more whooping and cheering from the audience>
L : See whatcha missin'?
<Jay smiles at her>
L : Now take a hike!
<Louise pushes past Jay and towards the entrance to the department. EXTREME
whooping, cheering and clapping from the audience! Jay smiles broadly>
<Shot cuts to Herman's apartment>
H : Heddy, I had no idea you could write like this - why don't you should
finish it?
HD : Give it a rest Herman. My head hurts, my eyes hurt, I'm stressed.
<Examining her finger> 'Got this indentation on my finger where I was
holding the pencil.
H : That is what writing is all about.
HD : Well, I have no intention of working that hard all the time - I like the
old way.
H : I understand.
HD : You think I'm lazy.
H : No - I think you don't want to be vunerable.
HD : Thank you for the psycho-babble, but I am gonna stick with what works
for me.
H : Heddy, you can't always take the easy way out. Now this is good! <He
gestures to her article, which he then puts on her lap. He takes the pencil
from the coffee table> And tonight you are going to sit here and finish
your article with me.
HD : Why?
H : Because you tore mine up, that's why. Tomorrow you can go back to being a
bitch, but tonight, <offers Heddy the pencil> you are a writer.
<Heddy takes the pencil>
H : I'll make some coffee.
HD : Thank you Herman.
<Herman smiles. Shot cuts to Research Dept. Louise is sat at her desk. Jay is
standing on the other side of it. He hands Louise a cup, presumably filled with
coffee>
L : Thank you Jay.
<Shot cuts to Mr.Bracken's office. Both Mr.Bracken and Mr.Crawford are sat on
Mr.Bracken's desk, holding cups.>
C : Thank you Paul.
<As they touch their cups together, the shot freezes>
END
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