***************** * HERMAN'S HEAD * ***************** SCRIPT "HERMAN AU NATURAL" (episode 18) by D.B. Gilles & Don Demaio Original airdate (Fox): 02/23/92 Script transcribed by Stephen Hill (Email: firstname.lastname@example.org) Written on the 19th May 1994. Episode sypnosis: At the insistence of Mr. Crawford, the research department goes to an all-nude self-awareness seminar at resort in the Bahamas. ----------------------------------------------------------------------- ************************************** * Characters and their abbreviations * ************************************** Regular cast: Herman Brooks .................... William Ragsdale Jay Nichols ...................... Hank Azaria Heddy Newman ..................... Jane Sibbett Louise Fitzer .................... Yeardley Smith Angel ............................ Molly Hagan Animal ........................... Ken Hudson Campbell Wimp ............................. Rick Lawless Genius ........................... Peter MacKenzie Paul Bracken ..................... Jason Bernard Guest Cast: Mr. Crawford ..................... Ed Winter Dr. Paige Holland ................ Brenda Strong ABBREVIATIONS Main Characters : _____________________________ /Herman = H / Louise = L /| /Heddy = HD / Bracken = B / / /Jay = J / Crawford = C / / /____________/_______________/ / |____________|_______________|/ 'Brain' Characters: __________________________ /Angel = A / Wimp = W /| /Animal = AN / Genius = G / / /____________/____________/ / |____________|____________|/ Other characters Dr.Paige Holland = P /\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\ <OPEN : Show starts with a wintery view of Waterton Publishing. Shot cuts to the research department, where Herman has just entered. He makes a bee-line straight for the window. He flings it open...> H : I hate the Winter! I hate New York in winter! I hate my life! Voice : <distantly> Shuddup! H : Oh - shut up yourself! <something?> <Herman retreats from the window> H : My god - I've become a New Yorker. <Heddy walks in. Despite the weather, she is wearing a mini skirt.> HD : Morning Herman. H : Heddy, it's two degrees out there. How can you go out like that - you'll catch pneumonia. HD : Small price to pay for looking this good! <A person enters the office. Herman doesn't realize who it is because she is completely engulfed in clothes.) H : Can I help you sir? L : <starting to undress> Herman, it's me, Louise! It's freezing out there. The weather's making everyone nuts, you should have heard this maniac screaming out of the window. <cut to brain> AN : I'm not a maniac! I frozen, and I don't have a women. I can't take it any more. W : Are we having some crisis that no-one has told me about? G : Shuddup! The reason we don't have women is because we're overworked. A : <walking to Genius> I sense some hostility - that's not good. W : <to angel> That's because we're having this crisis... A : <turning to Wimp> Oh shuddup! <cut to office. Mr.Crawford walks in.> C : <walking to Herman> Sherman, hug me! Hahaha! <flinging his arms around him> B : <walking out of his office> Crawford, let my people go. C : <To Bracken> Oh - don't get me wrong. It's just that..Dammit I've shed my macho facade. H : How nice for you! C : As of today I'm a loving, caring, human being. H : <Gets up and walks toward Crawford> Hey! <said 'nicely'> C : <'moving' Herman away> : Get away, I'm done with you! <walking to Bracken> Paul! Hug me! B : Crawford, I don't think... C : Hug me dammit! Open up to me Paul! <hugs him tightly. Bracken makes a face> Paul - I love you! B : <making another face> I....appreciate that Crawford - is there something I can do for you? C : Yes! Dr.Paige Holland is going to meet me down here in just a few moments. L : <walking to Crawford> Dr. Holland? I've just finished reading her book; "Everything you want to know about self esteem, but don't feel entitled to ask." <pause> Made me realise I'm a valid human being. C : <to Louise> Who are you? L : <Enthusiastically> Louise Fitzer! C : You're very self-aware Louise. L : Thank you! C : Now be quiet! Last weekend I went to Dr.Holland's seminar on self awareness. It's made me so aware of my needs and the needs of others, I put her in charge on "Modern Psychology" magazine. H : What happened to Masterson? C : <Turning to Herman> I fired him, he was weak. <Crawford moves to the centre of the room.> C : Right everybody - group hug! Everybody! <Gestures all the people to the centre of the room>. Not you! <pointing to one of the "background" people> <Louise walks towards Crawford but Bracken grabs the back of her sweater and pulls her backwards out of shot.> B : Crawford, we have work to do. C : Bracken, there is...no love in this office. You people need sensitivity and self awareness training. L : I've been telling them that for years - but they won't listen to me. C : That's because you lack what the Latin's refer to as "Charisma." Watch, and learn. <Crawford walks to the centre of the room again.> C : People, I want you all to attend Dr.Holland's seminar this weekend. HD : <standing up> Oh, with all due respect Mr.Crawford, I'd love to go. However, my arthritic aunt needs a ride to the hospital and... C : It's in the Bahamas! HD : Who's paying? C : I am. HD : Do I have to sleep with you? C : No. HD : I'm in! C : <turning to Louise> Charisma! <Walks towards Bracken.> Paul! B : Ohh.. Ahh.. Crawford, I don't really think.. C : <interrupting> Don't bring me down Paul - I don't like to be down. Bring me back up. B : <sternly> Crawford, I don't want to go. C : I'm a vice president, and I say you go. B : Fine! I'll go. C : <turning to Louise again> Charisma! <Dr.Holland walks into the office.> C : Ah! Dr.Holland, so good to see you. Research department, this is Dr.Holland. Dr.Holland, this is the research department. L : <goes up to Dr.Holland> Dr.Holland. You are brilliant. I am a big fan of yours. I read your book on self esteem and compared to you I am nothing. I am a worm. H : Louise, you may want to give that book another glance. P : <turning to Herman> I sense some sarcasm. <cuts to Bracken and Crawford, who are standing together> C : She is so inciteful. Bracken, praise her! B : <walking away> Nice dress.... <Crawford walks to Dr.Holland> C : I want to see you all at that seminar this weekend. <Crawford walks out of the office.> P : <turning to Herman> Well Sherman, do you want to come to my seminar? <cut to brain.> AN : All I wanna do is put my head between your breasts and say "Brrrriittzski!" A : <walking up to Animal> You don't go up to a renouned heath care professional, put your head between her breasts and say "Brrrriittzski!" AN : How about "Woolwollwowooolwlowlow"? A : <disgusted> Stop it! AN : Oh god I'm bored, I need excitement. I say we go! A : Well if we go, it'll be to get in touch with our emotions. G : <walking up to Animal and Angel> Look, this self awareness stuff is a bunch of psycho-babbling crap! But, it's Crawford's psycho-babbling crap, so I say... <Animal and Genius start to sing...> G : Now we go, AN+G : leave the snow, down the Bahama way, AN : A-do the limbo! <cuts back to office.> P : Well Sherman, do you want to come to my self awareness seminar? H : It's "Herman", and..yeah, I'll be there. P : Good, maybe we can get to know each other. H : Well, seeing as its self awareness - first, I'll get to know me. But if I finish up early, sure, I'd love to get to know you. P : Good - I'll see you there. <walks out of office, just as Jay is walking in. Jay goes up to Herman.> J : Wow! Who..who's the babe? H : Dr.Paige Holland, beautiful huh? J : Doctor? Well turn my head and cough. H : She's a psychiatrist Jay. She's holding a seminar this weekend. J : What kind of seminar? H : I don't know, but's it's in the Bahamas, and she's in charge, and I am going to _be_ there. J : Bahamas? H : Yeah! J : Expensive? H : No - Crawford's paying. J : Will I have to sleep with him? H : No. J : I'm in! <Next scene is based in the Bahamas, where Louise, Heddy and Herman are just entering the hotel lobby.> HD : Terrible flight! L : Well what kind of airline shows the movie "Terror at 30,000 feet"? <Bracken enters, and is carrying a large bag of golf clubs, among other things.> H : Mr.Bracken, why did you bring so much stuff? B : Herman, I haven't been on a vacation since nineteen hundred and sixty-five. If I have to be here, I'm going to have fun dammit! Just wind me up and point me to the golf course. L : <looking through a brochure> Mr.Bracken, there is no golf course here. B : Tennis courts? L : Nope. B : Fishing boat? L : No. B : Then what do they have here? L : Sharks. B : Well, then I guess scuba-diving's out. As it is my wife says I look like a sea cow - add flippers to that and I'm chum in the water. <Bracken goes up to the reception.> B : "Bracken." <He collects his key before walking off.> H : <to Louise> So where's Dr.Holland? L : Herman, it's wonderful how you've embraced your philosophies. You've been talking about her the whole flight down. H : She really made an impression on me. L : I'm so glad! I was afraid no-one was going to take this seriously. <Jay crashes through the doors carrying several shopping bags.> J : Whoo! What a place, huh? I love it here - the people, the culture. Hey, wh..what language are they speaking? H : English. J : Ah! yeah. H : What d'you have in the bags Jay? J : Stuff I just bought at the airport, it's all duty free. H : You know the whole point of duty free is to avoid taxes when you _leave_ a country. J : No!? H : Yes. J : Great, what I am supposed to do with two cases of rum and thirty cartons of cigarettes - I don't even smoke. <He walks out of shot> <Dr.Holland enters> H : Dr.Holland! P : Oh! - glad to see you're all here. At one 'o clock I'll be holding the first seminar on the beach. The topic is "Shedding your inhibitions and getting in touch with the real you." <Cut to brain - Animal and Genius are dancing to calypso music.> AN : Here's the real me - Touch away sweetheart! <With the sound of scratching, Angel stops the music.> A : We're not here to have sex, we're here to be honest. G : Alright! Let's be honest. We're here to have sex! <He puts the music back on> <Cut back to hotel lobby> P : Herman, put your left hand in mine. <He does> Now take it out. <He does> Now put your right hand in. Now take it out. Do you know what we're doing? H : The "Hokey Pokey"? P : No - we're _connecting_. H : Oh! D'you know, that was my next guess. P : I look forward to seeing more of you Herman. <She walks out of shot.> H : Great! <Jay walks back into the Lobby.> H : <To Jay> Hey Jay, Jay. You sometimes pretend to be interested in something just because a women is, right? J : Hey - I don't waste that two minutes on foreplay just because I like it. Who's the women? H : Dr.Holland. J : Does she smoke? H : Jay! J : Wha..what's the problem? Do you like her? H : Yeah! Yeah. She's sexy as anything. I just don't know if I buy into this self-awareness stuff. J : Hermo, as your broker I advise to buy and buy heavily. H : Really? J : Yeah. Very bullish on Dr.Holland. C'mon, all you've been do is complaining about how freezing and dull your life is. We're in the bahamas. Go for it! <Jay walks out of shot. Bracken walks into the lobby dressed in shorts, a T-shirt and a hat. He looks like he is about to go on a Jungle Safari.> L : There's mail today? <Louise and Heddy stand around grinning at Mr.Bracken. Dr.Holland walks in again.> P : The seminar will be starting in 10 minutes. H : <going up to Dr.Holland> Oh, Dr.Holland. I've been thinking about the connecting exercise - I was wondering, is there any chance of some one-on-one counselling? P : I'd love to, but right now I'm trying to get ready for our first group session. <To all> Why don't you all take off your clothes and I'll meet you in the cabana. H : You mean some kind of a swimsuit <laughing> therapy? P : No - no swimsuits. This is a totally nude seminar. <She walks out of shot.> <long pause while the audience laughs. The 'gang' stand aghast.> L : Did she say _nude_?! HD : I am NOT taking my clothes off in front of all of you. And even more disturbing is the prospect of you people taking your clothes off in front of me. B : No worry! When Mr.Crawford finds out what that women has in mind, _nobody_ will be taking their clothes off. <The gang laugh agreeingly. after a pause, Crawford walks past completely nude, save for a newspaper that he is holding and the pipe in his mouth.> C : Ah! Gald to see you're all here. Hey, strip down - the seminar's about to start. See ya on the beach. <He walks off.> <break> <The gang is now outside where the seminar is about to start> B : If any of you want me, I'll be in the bar. And if I'm not in the bar I'll be drinking in my room, and no matter how rip-roaring drunk I get, I won't be taking my clothes off. <He exits shot> L : I don't think I can do this either, nudity is NOT my thing. <Dr.Holland walks up to Herman> P : Herman, a..aren't you going to take your clothes off? <cut to brain.> AN : What are we standing around for - a women just asked us to take our clothes off! W : I'm not taking my clothes off. AN : To hell with you! <Pushes Wimp off screen and looks toward Genius> Let's go pinhead! G : Yeah...err.. perhaps another time. AN : Argh! <Pushes Genius out of shot and goes up to Angel> Angel, _very_ sensitive people take their clothes off. A : Sensitive people and perverts! AN : Yeah right - so it's you and me kid! <cut back to beach> H : I...I don't think so. L : <To Dr.Holland> Isn't there way we can achieve our objectives without getting naked? P : No. HD : Look doctor, the only time I get naked is when I'm getting a bath, getting a physical or getting a bracelet! <Louise looks at Heddy with suprise.> P : Well I have to admit I'm quite dissapointed. Especially in you Herman - you seemed so interested in my theories and my work. I thought you and I were making a connection. I guess I was wrong. Well, everyone else here will be naked so if you don't mind please confine yourselves to your rooms. <She walks out of shot> <pause> L : N..No wait a minute, wait a minute, I'm not going to my room. This is a renouned psychiatrist. She must know what she's talking about. C'mon, it's all in the name of science.. S..so stand back, I'm letting the big guys loose! <She takes her blouse off and throws it to the ground.> J : Louise! Give me one good reason why I should take my clothes off.. <two naked girls walk past Jay> J : I said one reason, not four! I'm convinced <Takes his shirt off> HD : It's going to take more than a quack psychiatrist and four boobs to get me to take my clothes off. In fact, I don't see Crawford anywhere around here so why should I? C : <Walks past the gang> Well, here we are. <walks past Heddy> Hoppy! Looking forward to seeing ya naked. <walks out of shot> HD : Coming right up. <She starts to undress> <cut to brain, Animal is stripping off> AN : C'mon, let's do it! Everybody else is doing it. What are we waiting for? A : If everyone was jumping off of a bridge..... AN : <interrupting> Would you shut up! Look, I got news for ya. We're on a vacation, and I'm having a crisis dammit! So let's have some fun. Let's take the bull by the horns. It's Miller time. If I have one life to live, let me live it as a blond! G : (What) The hell does that mean? AN : I dunno - I'm horny, leave me alone. <cut back to beach> H : Well, here goes nothing. <He takes his shirt off enthusiastically. Heddy looks at him.> HD : Boy, you weren't kidding. <cut to brain. All the 'brain' characters are apparently naked and are hiding behind things to cover themselves> A : Don't look at Louise, we'll embarrass her! W : Don't look at Heddy, we'll get excited! G : Don't look at Jay - people'll get the wrong idea! AN : Then let's look at Dr.Holland - How often to we get a chance to look at a real nude and not pay a cover charge? <cut back to beach - the gang are walking to their seats holding a variety of objects with which to cover themselves. Dr.Holland is standing behind a podium and starts the seminar.> P : Welcome to "Self Awareness for the 90's". Those of you took my seminar "Self Awareness for the 80's" - forget all that. Why don't we..go around the group and introduce ourselves? We'll start over here. <Points to Jay> J : Oh..ah. Hi. Jay Nichols. Anybody wants Rum or cheap cigarettes - come to room 312 after the seminar. P : Next. H : Yeah, Hi. I'm Herman Brooks, and I'm here because I think its time I get in touch with my inner feelings, and emotions...<Jay looks at Herman with disbelief> Dr P.Holland: Very good Herman. <smiles> <cut to brain..> A: <to Animal> You don't mean that! AN: Hey, a man's gotta do what a man's gotta do. A: But you're lying just to have sex?! AN: A man's gotta do what a man's gotta do. <cut back to beach> P : Louise, you're next. L : Hi, I'm Louise Fizter - and I'm a co-dependant. P : Oh! In that case why don't you help me hand out these worksheets? <Louise walks up to Dr.Holland, takes a wad of sheets and starts handing them out.> P : And you <looks at Heddy> HD : Hi - I'm Heddy Newman, and how come the guy at the back gets to leave his sweater _on_? <Herman moves his head over to Heddy> H : Heddy, he's not wearing a sweater. HD : Euurrrghhh! <disgusted> P : I sense resistance here. I feel it's time to take the first step towards self awareness <she moves from behind the podium and faces the gathering of people>. The first step is a difficult one because we all hide behind things. H : <smiling> How true..how true.. P : I'm glad you agree Herman. Why don't you be my first volunteer? H : Excuse me? P : Herman, stand up. H : <Laughing nervously> Oohh..Actually I.... P : No excuses - stand up and face everyone. HD : Well come on Herman, time for show and tell! <laughing> P : Heddy - you too. Stand up. HD : Oh, I don't think I can do that... P : Let's go - both of you. <Herman and Heddy stand up and walk to the front of the audience.> HD : Now face each other. Jay, I want you to stand up and face Louise. <Jay and Louise stand up and face each other> J : Well, you wanted some insight Louise - you're about to get the blue plate special! P : Now everyone, expose yourselves. <Jay, Louise, Herman and Heddy remove the objects 'protecting' themselves from each other. They are all looking straight up into the air.> P : Now look at each other. <Shot cuts to Jay, who after a short pause moves his eyes to look at Louise, still with his head almost pointing vertically upwards. The rest of the gang do the same.> P : No, no no, no. I mean _really_ look at each other <they do> Heddy, tell Herman what you're thinking. HD : Two words, "Personal Trainer." P : Herman, say the first thing that comes to your mind. <cut to brain. All four characters are in a line, the camera moves past each one..> G : Stupidity! A : Embarrassment <laughing nervously>. W : Humilation. AN : Brrrrriiittzski!! <cut back to beach. Herman is staring at Heddy. He looks like he is in a trance> P : Herman, what's on your mind? H : Oh, nothing. P : <turning to where Jay and Louise are standing> Jay, do you have anything to say to Louise? L : <running to Dr.Holland> Oh no! Please don't let him say anything to me! Its difficult enough as it is. P : No, no no. This is not about sex. Its about feelings and emotions. Go ahead Jay. Tell Louise what you're thinking. J : <pause for thought> Gotta nice little body on ya, you know that Louise? L : Really? <nervous laugh> Thanks Jay. And I'd like to say something to say to you - I knew you had one but I didn't realise it was _that_ small.... J : Hey, hey! I have a chill, okay? L : No - I was talking about your appendix scar! J : Oh...I thought you meant my.... L : Oh! That! _Very_ nice! <Jay turns and salutes to the audience. The camera goes back to Dr.Holland> P : I know this may seem unorthodox to you, but inter-personal relationships are built on all sorts of facades and pretences. Nothing is more revealing or humbling that appearing as we came into this world. I would like you all to think about that. Take a little time to stroll around and feel your nakeness. <she walks out of shot> <Jay walks slowly and nonchalantly past Heddy. She jumps like he just pinched her> HD : She said _your_ nakedness Jay! <Mr Bracken enters the shot> B : Ohh my god! H : Mr Bracken! <All the gang dive for cover> B : Nice seeing all of you again, and I do mean _all_ of you. <Dr.Holland walks up to Bracken> P : So you've decided to rejoin us? B : Yes, I have. P : I know why you're here. You feel alone, isolated, the only one. And now you have a need, don't you? B : Yes, I do. P : Maybe I can help. B : Maybe. P : Talk to me. Tell me what you're looking for.... B : Ice! <Holds up an empty ice bucket> P : <irritated> Through the lobby, make a left <she points> <Bracken walks off, past Herman> B : <to Herman> She really knows her stuff. <Herman nods, and Bracken walks out of shot> <Dr.Holland approaches Herman> P : C'mon Herman, we're all going down to the beach for some more exercises. We'll be starting with nude Leapfrog <she runs off> H : <Shouting> Sounds great! <to himself> Nude Leapfrog?!?!?! <shot cuts away from the scene and quickly cuts to Herman standing on his own. Jay walks up to him..> J : Hermo! Where ya been? H : I need some time alone. J : Yeah - me too. Ya mind if I join you? H : Ah..Alone, Jay. J : Yeah - I know. Anyway, we missed you at the nude touch football game. We won - kept giving the ball to the hairy guy - no-one wanted to touch him. H : _Nude_ football? I just cannot take this stuff seriously. J : Hey, don't let Dr.Holland hear you say that or you're never going to score. Remember, buyer's market. <Jay slaps Herman lightly and starts to walk off> H : <to Jay> Where you going? J : Nude fashion show. I don't know what the hell it is but, how bad could it be? <walks off, nodding to an approaching Dr.Holland as he goes.> P : There you are Herman, I've been looking all over for you. Are you alright? H : I...I'm just having a hard time grasping all this self awareness stuff. P : I..I thought when I was talking, you got it. H : Well, I didn't get it. Look, Dr.Holland, I'm very attracted to you but the only reason I came down here was, I needed a vacation, OK? And I...wanted to get into your pants, only now you have no pants. P : <Peeved> You don't believe in my work, do you? <cut to brain> AN : I believe! I believe! Come on you guys. We're naked, she's naked. All we gotta do is believe <looks to viewer/audience> If you believe, clap your hands. <there is raptuous applause. Genius walks up to Animal. He is fully dressed and is just putting on some gloves.> G : Ahhh. Give it up my friend, it's over. Let's just walk away while we still have a _shred_ of dignity. <He looks at Animal with disgust> For god's sake, put some clothes on! <cut back to beach> H : Look, I don't mind nudity, but I _really_ like having pockets - and when I'm nude, I have no place to keep my gum. Did you see where I had to put my key-ring? Do you think that was comfortable? P : Once again, you're deflecting analysis with sarcasm. H : No, no. Now I'm leaving. P : No..no Herman... H : <interrupting> No no no it's fine, Dr.Holland. Because I just realised I can't pretend to buy into something I'm not interested in just to impress a woman. And I have absolutely nothing to say to you, with the possible exception of <draws breath> "Brrrriitttssski." <Herman walks out of shot and the camera is left pointing at a puzzled Dr.Holland. The camera cuts to the hotel reception area where Louise is standing alone. Herman walks in the door and towards Louise. They don't even look at each other.> L : Hi. H : Hi. When did you decide to get dressed? L : Right after someone suggested `Nude limbo.' H : It feels pretty strange, doesn't it? Being dressed makes me realize how naked we really were. L : Really? Being naked did that for me. <Heddy walks into the room> HD : Oh my god? L : Heddy! We're dressed! HD : I know, it's your outfit Louise! <Louise goes up to Heddy> L : Claws in, Heddy. I've had a pretty humiliating weekend. HD : Good. You're the one that talked us into this. L : Hey! Don't blame me - it's not my fault you came down here to kiss up to Crawford! <The two girls start to argue, but Herman steps between them and moves them apart> H : Alright, alright alright ladies. Whatever our reasons for coming down here we all made a mistake. The point is, we did it so lets..live with it. I mean so what if we've seen each other naked? L : You're right Herman. If we learned anything we learned that we're all equal, we're all built the same. In god's eyes, we're all beautiful....except for that one guy! <Heddy, Herman and Louise all look horrified and disgusted> <Herman notices Jay in the corner looking painful> H : Jay - You're dressed!? J : Yeah. I learned something pretty important this weekend. H : You too? J : You bet - When you're naked, sunblock 1000.... _everywhere_! <He hobbles past the three people in reception and up to the check-in desk> L : So where's Mr.Bracken? HD : Probably still in his room moping. L : I can't believe he didn't even give it a try - he's the only one with nothing to complain about. H : Hey, you can't blame him, he's our boss. He's a very conservative man. If we ever saw him naked I'm sure he'd think he could never command our respect again. J : <hobbling towards the group> I'm not going to say anything bad about the guy, he took two bottles of Rum off my hands. <Bracken's voice s heard in the background.> B : Well, it took two bottles of Rum, but I did it! <Bracken walks into the reception area, naked. On noticing that the gang is there he takes off his hat and covers himself, smiling.> ENDBack to the HH page.