W W A RRRR # # 2222 W W W A A RRRR # # 222 222 W W A A A R R ######## 22 22 # # 22 W W III TTT H H O U U TTT # # 22 W W I T HHH O O U U T ######## 22 W W W I T H H O O U U T # # 22 W W III T H H O U T # # 22 22 W W O RRR L DDDD SSSS 22 W W O O R R L D D S 22 W W W O O RRR L D D SSSS 22 W W W W O O R R L D D S 22222222 W W O R R LLLL DDDD SSSS 22222222 [The cover is an extreme close up of a grim-faced Master Blaster, who is saying "You realise, this means war." (There was at attempt to put a logo at the bottom reading "The LNH Strikes-" in a very familiar pattern, but this was hurried crossed out.)] -------------------------------------------------------------------------- "Unto the Breach" by Jamas Enright and Saxon Brenton "Hello gentle readers. Kid Recap here, and I'd like to recap the events that have just taken place in the issue before this one, but first we need to set the scene. One moment please." Just off the main continent of Af.rec.a lies the island of Madagascar. Covered with nearly equal parts jungle and mountains, lying near the equator, it is a lovely place to visit, and many people want to live there, and indeed there are many towns and cities scattered over its length. But all that is now in danger from the sky-scraper tall figure that stood on one of the peaks of the island near its middle. Because it wouldn't remain on the peak for long. With mechanical regularity, it raised and lowered its feet, sending shockwaves rippling across the entire island. Already there was severe devastation in many of the cities, but the LNH was on the scene in the evening dusk to do what they could. "We have to stop it," Sister State-The-Obvious said, and not for the first time. "If only we could get it into a nice flowing gown, we could at least co-ordinate with it," New Look Lass said, looking resplendent in an off-the-shoulder yellow crop top with red short-shorts, completing the look with white ankle socks and sneakers. "All around the globe," Kid Recap continued, from his position standing by the other two heroes, "these figures have appeared, one per continent. LNH teams were dispatched to fight them, but these beings aren't easy to fight." *KABLOOM* A blast from Irony Man shattered the rock surrounding the figure, but only achieved the effect of softening up the surrounding area, which helped the figure. Bizarre Boy's energy blasts were all scoring hits, but that wasn't the problem. Their lack of effect was frustrating him, making him pore more power on. Sing-Along Lass tried to distract it with the aid of her flight.ring, but this figure proved harder to distract than others had been. "The seismic waves are gathering in strength," Irony Man reported, landing near the controls of a craft that looked remarkably like a Star Wars land skiff (but copyrightally different), on which the non-flying heroes were standing to avoid the continually shaking ground. "At this rate, that thing will destroy the island in a matter of hours, when the underlying bedrock is shattered. Time's running out." "Can we knock it over?" Sister State-The-Obvious asked. "Or maybe we could all change into something more fashionable?" New Look Lass suggested. "Yes," Ambiguous Lass added. Kid Recap nodded his agreement as well, then said, "Occultism Kid discovered that these beings are some form of shell, powered by psychic energy, but no psychic abilities have proven useful yet. Which means neither Ambiguous Lass nor New Look Lass can help right now (as they could neither make the figure not act so clearly nor want to get a new outfit)." "I don't think knocking it over will help," Irony Man said. "It might delay it for a moment, but it could easily use its hands instead." "It stomps on the ground," Sister State-The-Obvious said. "Yes, yes it does. Umm..." "Lift it off." "Or we could try to lift it off the ground," said Irony Man. Activating the jets in his own hardsuit, Irony Man flew to the other two heroes. "Sing-Along Lass, Bizarre Boy, with me!" Quickly outlining a plan, Bizarre Boy and Sing-Along Lass flew down, and when the figure next raised its foot, they flew in to hold it up with Irony Man flew underneath it (although Sing-Along Lass was straining the power of the flight.ring to do this). He didn't have long as the figure was already inexorably lowering its foot, but he succeeded quickly. They repeated this procedure for the other foot. Then, as they backed off, Irony Man activated the anti-gravity discs he had just attached. Wobbling slightly, the figure lifted only a few inches off the ground, the discs not having much power against its weight, but nevertheless achieving the desired result. The figure kept moving its legs up and down, which twisted it one way, then the next, and then its balance was upset enough that the figure twisted all the way around until its top half crashed into the ground beneath it. Then, as Irony Man had feared, it started smashing into the ground with its fists. Wobbling slightly, the figure lifted only a few inches off the ground, the discs not having much power against its weight, but nevertheless achieving the desired result. Wobbling slightly, the figure lifted only a few inches off the ground, the discs not having much power against its weight, but nevertheless achieving the desired result. Wobbling slightly, the figure lifted only a few inches off the ground, the discs not having much power against its weight, but nevertheless achieving the desired result. "Excuse me for a moment, folks," Kid Recap muttered. "It's just a power of mine that I can only use if I'm part of a scene, namely recapping events by having them act out again. In this case..." Wobbling slightly, the figure lifted only a few inches off the ground, the discs not having much power against its weight, but nevertheless achieving the desired result. "Only problem is..." The figure kept moving its legs up and down, which twisted it one way, then the next, and then its balance was upset enough that the figure twisted all the way around until its top half crashed into the ground beneath it. Then, as Irony Man had feared, it started smashing into the ground with its fists. "...can't keep it up," Kid Recap gasped, falling down onto his knees. Ambiguous Lass either got him a glass of water or helped him to a chair. "Right, that does it. Bizarre Boy, any other powers in there?" Sing-Along Lass asked. Bizarre Boy shrugged. "Probably. What do you need?" "Can you amplify my singing!?" she asked. "Can but try." Bizarre Boy landed on the half-prone figure, which ignored him, and braced himself for amplification...as best as he could work out how to brace himself for that. "But that's not all," Kid Recap said through breaths. "A strange planet entered our solar system, and destroyed Pluto. The Riki Tiki Tavi, containing Parking Karma Kid, Kid Not-Appearing-In-Any-Retcon-Hour-Story and Bad-Timing Boy were sent to investigate, and arrived to find the planet now destroying Neptune. They did manage to rescue the Alt.Riders, who had infiltrated the planet in order to get information, but the Net.Elementalist was left behind. I should point out that this was in _The Alt.Riders #42_, not last issue." Sing-Along Lass Woman sucked in a deep breath, and then: " |=====| AAAA HH HH HH HH HH HH |=====|" | | AA AA HH HH HH HH HH HH | | |=====| AA AA HH HH HH HH HH HH |=====| | | AAAAAAAA HHHHHH HHHHHH HHHHHH | | O | O | AA AA HH HH HH HH HH HH O | O | O O O O AA AA HH HH HH HH HH HH O O O O O O AA AA HH HH HH HH HH HH O O The power rocketed through Bizarre Boy and into the figure. Cracks appeared on its surface, and Bizarre Boy gritted his teeth as he forced more and more power into the shell beneath him. He could feel it trembling, on the edge of breaking up... "The Alt.artica team found out one last piece of information, although it cost them their ability to participate in the rest of this story line," Kid Recap said. "When one of the figures is destroyed, it sends out a psychic blast that knocks out everyone nearby, putting them into a deep coma." Sister State-The-Obvious and New Look Lass heard this, exchanged looks, and turned to Bizarre Boy. "Stop!" they shouted. Ambiguous Lass helped Kid Recap up, or also shouted. But Bizarre Boy wasn't listening. This thing had to be stopped, and nothing was going to stop him. And nothing did. The explosion could be hear clear across the island. But there was no-one conscious to hear it... _-~-_ On board the Riki Tiki Tavi, the events weren't quite as exciting, but we're building to a key piece of exposition, so they are necessary. "Did you find out who they were?" Kid Not-Appearing-In-Any-Retcon-Hour-Story asked Agent (leader of the Alt.Riders). "The planet looks familiar, but I can't quite place it." Agent shook his head, which, despite the many bruises and knocks it had received, wasn't bandaged. Indeed, Agent had been nearly pulled apart, but he wasn't letting that slow him down. "They have immense psychic abilities. The only thing stopping them from tearing our minds apart was our mental shielding. Instead, they tried to tear our bodies apart instead." Dva nodded, as he had been with Agent when that had happened, but unlike Agent was quite happy to have his broken arm in a cast. "One moment," he said, closing his eyes. However, he opened them again as Agent grabbed his (not broken) arm. "No psychic problems," he said to Agent. "It's psychotic problems I'm worried about," Agent whispered back, throwing a significant glance at Kid NAIARHS. Dva glanced, then nodded, getting the point. [It's complicated. Don't ask - Footnote Girl.] "Ah, of course. Psychic abilities..." Kid NAIARHS mused to himself. "You have it?" Parking Karma Kid called from over his shoulder from where he sat at the controls. "We should be making planet fall in an hour or so." "This can't wait," Kid NAIARHS (who really needs a shorter acronym to type) said. "Open a comm channel. These are the Inhilators." _-~-_ Ultimate Ninja had called a meeting in the war room at the Legion of Net.Heroes headquarters. There seemed to have been a lot of such meetings recently, what with all the antics of those relatives of Dr Killfile and all. [During the _Road To Killfile Wars_ miniseries - Footnote Girl] In this instance there were five other people present. Vel was the first one to speak. "I agree with Kid Not-Appearing-In-Any-Retcon-Hour-Story's initial identification of the rogue planet as the homeworld of the so-called Inhilators," the young half human/half Dorf hybrid said to the group. He touched some controls and brought up an image of it on screen. "Not that it's particularly hard to identify once you know what to look for. Both the lurid colour scheme and its method of attacking and destroying other worlds are distinctive." "By snorting up other planets into its nose through a giant straw..." said the Ninja. Just when he thought he'd grown inured to all the weirdness, something like this came along. Deductive Logic Man asked, "How does a feature like a giant nose, which is so geologically huge, resist collapsing under its own weight?" More than idle curiosity had prompted the question. It might be Just One Of Those Things that the Writers had thrown in for the hell of it, but on the other hand if it had a mechanic to it then that might suggest a weakness. "Partly because it is a short term phenomenon," said Eight of Nine, who was the other extraterrestrial that Ultimate Ninja had asked in to consult with. The woman was a cyborg and former member of the Cascader Collective. In many ways the inverse of Liefeld's Porpoise, her remaining cybernetics were sleek and unobtrusive rather than clunky and ostentatious, but her personality was clinical and machinelike. She therefore explained simply and with precision, "The surface of the Inhilator world is constantly active. Those multicoloured patterns are actually geological rather than atmospheric features, but they move with time just as much as any cloud bands on any gas giant. The Inhilator world can grow and then absorb back into itself those giant noses as it deems necessary." "Then how does the entire planet reshape itself?" demanded Adamant- Authority-On-Everything. "The two phenomena are clearly linked." "Logically, yes," she said. "I propose that it is psychokinetic in nature. We have evidence that the Inhilators possess enormous psychic power." "The psychic nature of the probe constructs, and the reports made by the Alt.Riders," said Theory Man. "Yes," Eight agreed. "Additionally, the one time that a cube from the Cascader Collective encountered the Inhilators, it was at a time when the latter's strength was maximal. They were able to drive away the Collective's cube by placing a compulsion deep within the Collective's mind to avoid the Inhilators at all costs - a compulsion that took the Collective considerable effort over several decades to purge from itself. Nevertheless, scanalysis done at the time indicates that the method used was psionic." "So," mused Adamant-Authority-On-Everything. "Put it all together and it's not unreasonable to expect that their psychokinesis is on a planetary scale." "Correct," said Eight of Nine. "And the Inhilators have come out on top in a confrontation with the Cascaders," said Ultimate Ninja, pursuing a different line of thought. "Is there anyone who's bested them?" Vel frowned. "No one in the galactic community of our general technology level who's prepared to talk," he said carefully. "Ultra-powerful civilisations like the Time Barons, or some of the Elders of the Looniverse, or species that have evolved to become beings of pure thought or what have you... well, they don't have problems with the likes of the Inhilators." "That makes sense," said Theory Man. "Threats like the Inhilators or Cascaders are most dangerous against people who are of lesser power than themselves, or of equal power who they can wear down over time." Vel nodded. "That's right. In fact, I found one reference to an incident where the Inhilators threatened a planet that was being actively observed by the Etaoin Shrdlu, who simply flicked the interloper away. The Cascaders have faced similar smackdowns," he added. "But entities that powerful tend not to meddle in the affairs of 'lesser beings'," observed Adamant-Authority-On-Everything, somewhat sourly. "Our chances of getting assistance from them is pretty much diddly-squat." Vel nodded again. "True. But the Legion is one of the rare non-nigh-omnipotent groups that have faced that level of adversity and won." Then he grinned, a grim smile of warrior's anticipation, "That actually bodes well for us, in a way." "Noted," said Ultimate Ninja. It was indeed a reputation to be proud of, but like the proverbial Best Gunslinger In The West, it was a status that was only as good as the outcome of the next fight. "Very well then, if they're on par with the Cascaders, then that gives us a rough idea of what to expect." "Overall, yes," said Eight of Nine. "However, their exact power levels vary considerably. The absorption of other planets seems to be a refuelling exercise." "Which brings us to the next big question," said Deductive Logic Man. "Can we starve them or depower them? If they've fed on both Pluto and Neptune, does that mean they're near full strength? Or should we prepare a preemptive strike before they grow stronger?" "Unknown," said Eight of Nine. "Their ability to inhale an entire solar system's worth of planets is well documented, but it is not known whether those resources are then stored or immediately converted into power, nor even what sort of conversion methods are used. Logic suggests that the longer that the Legion waits before acting, the more likely it is that the Inhilators will have grown more powerful." "Unfortunately, that also means that we're at risk of basing our actions on incomplete information," said Deductive Logic Man. _-~-_ As the Ultimate Ninja left the briefing scene, he found himself on the end of a very uncommon phenomena. Namely, he was lifted with a hand around his throat and held against the wall. He heard the click of a gun being cocked, but kept his eyes on his assailant, namely Master Blaster. "What happened to wReanna?" Master Blaster growled. "Take your hand off me," Ultimate Ninja replied, not immediately disemboweling Master Blaster because he knew about the strength of feeling Master Blaster felt for Sister State-The-Obvious although MB didn't normally show it. Unlike now. Master Blaster responded by pressing the gun barrel harder into the ninja's head. "What happened to wReanna?" he asked again, enunciating each word carefully. "Her team is being picked up," the ninja responded calmly. "The psychic blast put her and everyone on Madagascar into a coma. We hope that once the Inhilators have been taken care of, she'll wake up." "But you aren't sure." "It's Organic Lass' best guess." Master Blaster stared at UN a moment longer, then backed off, letting UN slide down to the floor. "Then show me where to aim and I'll blow their nuts off." "Very colourful, but we haven't worked out a strategy yet. And we still have the Inhilator probes to take care of. We can't destroy them, and we haven't exactly got a planet-busting arsenal to call on." Master Blaster looked at the gun in his hand, then turned and strode down the corridor. "Leave that to me," he called back. UN watched MB go, but didn't reply. The obvious need for discipline could be addressed later. _-~-_ "This is Riki Tiki Tavi, touching down on the LNHHQ room. Bringing patients down to the medical rooms for check ups, but have dealt with immediate injuries." "Roger that, Riki Tiki Tavi. Kid Not-Appearing-In-Any-Retcon-Hour-Story, please report to nearest strategy planning scene, along with any available Alt.Riders. Parking Karma Kid, please report to parking bay to help with prepping squadron of space.thingees." "Roger that." _-~-_ "What we need, right, is a really large baseball bat," Theory Man said. "Get a really large bat, get a nice firm grip, and knock them out of the solar system. Maybe even get a spin on it, seams all lined up, right out of the park." "Okay, that'll be plan...Q, or something," Multi-Tasking Man replied as he wrote up the summary notes from the first exposition scene, showed Kid Not-Appearing-In-Any-Retcon-Hour-Story and the Alt.Riders to seats, checked the updated status reports of the five teams still fighting Inhilator probes and prepared another five lattes. "We need to take the fight to them," Ultimate Ninja announced, entering the room again. "Try to take them out before they can get anywhere near us." "We haven't got the kind of power needed to take out a planet," Kid NAIARHS pointed out. "Not that we could get anywhere near them in the first place, either." "Agreed," Eight of Nine said. "We would need the energy requirements of several Cascader Cubes, and we do not have those resources at our disposal." "I don't have a better plan," UN said. "At the very least, we might be able to slow them down. Distract them." "It's working for them," Deductive Logic Man suddenly said. "What?" "Those probes. They were sent here to absorb our resources. Make sure we couldn't respond to them." "And it's working well," Multi-Tasking Man said, signing for pizza orders and checking on the fuel levels in the space.thingee squadron. "We've already got two teams unconscious, and the others are tied up trying to keep the probes from causing more damaged. We've only got the one Angstvangelion, and there isn't much else that can even pause one of those things by themselves, and even then Kid Pocky still needs help." "Tell me about what you found out about that planet," UN ordered the Alt.Riders. For a moment there was silence as Agent appeared to gaze into the distance, but then he jumped to his feet. "These Inhilators are a race of people, the same as you and me...well, okay, not the same as either you or me," he said upon reflection. "There seem to be two parts to their society. One lot are the dregs, which spend there time blissed out and living in tunnels, subsisting on rocks and the like. The other is a ruling class, reminiscent of monarchy. They control the planet, and they're the ones we need to defeat." "What? They're just normal people??" Vel growled. "People, yes, normal, no. The ruling class, at least, have immense inherent psychic ability. The scanner showed the atmosphere itself was saturated with psychic energy. The Net.Elementalist.." the pause was barely noticeable, "..succumbed to it straight away. Most of you would be immediately insensible if you took one step on that planet." "Then how did you survive?" MTM inquired. "We've had psychic training. We can operate in that atmosphere, can't fall prey to the mental influences...although that doesn't stop them from tossing us around like rag dolls with psychokinesis." "But if you could get back there, you could-" "Unwise," Eight of Nine interrupted. "When the Cascaders tried teleporting to the planet, they merely drew the Inhilators attention to them. Those parties are never heard from again. The Alt.Riders were extremely lucky to have survived their first visit." "Yeah, but they lost one of their party," Bad Timing Boy pointed out. "There was no sign of the Net.Elementalist that we could see in our scans." "Those scans were wrong," Dva said, entering the room, deliberately taking a seat far away from, and not looking at, Kid Not-Appearing-In-Any-Retcon-Hour-Story. "He has to still be there." "That as may be," Ultimate Ninja cut in, "but we can't let that affect any plans we might make. If taking out that planet is our only option, then I'm going for it." "What?" Dva said. "Even if that means...?" UN just nodded. "It doesn't matter." Everyone looked around to see that it was Morph who spoke, and who just looked at the floor despondently. "Whatever we try, we can't win." "I will not allow-" Morph cut UN off. "I've seen it. I've seen the power source they're using. I know how they keep coming out on top." "Tell us then, o wise one," UN said bitterly. "The planet is hollow. It's only really a shell to house the power source inside. So it's not a planet we're fighting, it's the power source the size of the planet." "This build up better be worth it," UN muttered. "They can do whatever they like because they have the plot on their side. They've got a Plot Device Engine. A Deus Ex Machine. They can do all this because they control the story." _-~-_ [Note: The following scene doesn't actually take place until later, but we need a nice break around about now...] Deja Dude materialised underwater, having teleported to the now-submerged remains of Lagneto's Asteroid L in the In.dir.an Ocean. Fortunately his powers to recreate effects had been done before meant that he had no more problem surviving in the depths than would any of the the aquatic denizens of the various Atlantises who had appeared in comics over the decades. He glanced around, not seeing much because the power was off and there was very little light. There was the faintest of pale blue glows, but he recognised this as the type of cinematic illumination that always turns up to just barely light the way in what would otherwise be stygian darkness. It was a plot contrivance so that the audience wouldn't have to be bored with the story's protagonist flollopping around in the dark, and so he didn't give it a second thought. He orientated his direction according to what little intel that the Legion had been able collect about Asteroid L's layout over the years, and set out. As he swam along his mood was sombre. Lagneto had deorbitted this place a few years ago, and had carefully chosen its touchdown site to be in the ocean so as not to land on any inhabited areas. He had even slowed its descent so as to minimise any impact damage. Unfortunately, as a hydrologist Lagneto had made a great geneticist, and he had overlooked the fact that despite the comparatively soft landing that the displacement of water from something as large as Asteriod L would still send flooding to wash over surrounding coastal areas. The death toll had been enormous - just not quite as enormous as would normally have been the case for a planet-cracker sized asteroid arriving on earth. [_The Lagneto Saga_ #8 - Footnote Girl] After a while Deja Dude began to notice that the place seemed to have been ransacked. He wondered whether it had been done by the Brotherhood of Net.Villains as they had prepared to depart, or whether it had happened later when S.C.O.R.E. [the Supreme Command of Retrogade Eavesdroppers - Footnote Girl] had mounted their search-and-secure mission shortly after Asteroid L's touchdown. Mentally he shrugged; it may even have been a combination of both. The scan.thingee made bleeping noises. He seemed to be getting close to the location he was searching for. Deja Dude peered more closely at the device and tried to calibrate it for more exact readings. And so, just at the moment that he was distracted, a hideous scaly monster grabbed him from behind. _-~-_ Master Blaster entered the main conference room to find two people arguing. The rest of the room was full of people just watching them, strangely quiet. "Yes, it is powerful, but it can be mastered, and if we can do that, then we can take control of this," Retcon Lad said. "Ah, but I'm saying we can't. They already have control of it, and so will always have control. I do know how these things work, after all," Adamant Authority-On-Everything asserted. "Maybe so, but I have had direct experience of what plot devices can do," Retcon Lad pointed out. "My powers can be expressed in terms of creating plot devices that counteract previously established plot points. All we need to do is disrupt their control, and establish our own." "Can't be done," AAOE said. "Other races have tried that and failed." Retcon Lad looked around the room. "Eight of Nine? Vel? Any response." "Never heard about anything like that," Vel said. "Neither have I," Eight of Nine confirmed. "It'll fail, I so declare it!" AAOE declared. "Are we talking about fragging these Inhilators yet?" Master Blaster asked, not quite sure what was happening. "Do you have something that can take out a planet?" UN asked. Master Blaster grinned. "Oh yeah. I've managed to get my hands on a modified Thollian Web." "Thollian Web? Isn't that an extremely inefficiently designed weapon that relies on the target to conveniently remain motionless while an energy web is constructed around it, taking several days?" Eight of Nine inquired. "I did say it was modified. How many space.thingees do we have?" UN looked at Retcon Lad, who had been helping out in the parking bay before being summoned to the meeting. "About half-a-dozen, but we could retrofit normal flight.thingees for space travel if we can swap out the engines and...well...sacrifice such items as life support and reentry capability..." "Do it," UN ordered. "The crews for those will either be able to survive space, or can wear space suits." "Well, I hardly think that will be entirely sufficient..." Retcon Lad stopped speaking as UN just stared at him. "Yes sir." "What does your modification do?" "I've explained the idea to the Renegade Programmer, and as soon as he turns up, we'll begin," Master Blaster explained, looking towards the door, as if RP would turn up at that second. Time slowly ticked by, but the portly programmer failed to show. "I'll...just go see where he's up to..." Master Blaster said, heading for the door, but stopping just as RP entered. "Took a while to set up, I expect," Master Blaster said, covering for RP. "No, no, only a few seconds," RP wheezed as he hefted his hefty frame over the main monitor screen. "But this room is some distance away from the main computer banks." The audience looked among themselves...it was only a few meters away, but no-one said anything. "Anyway, this is what we're going to do," Master Blaster said, rubbing his hands. "RP, if you will..." The main screen lit up with an image of the Inhilator planet, swirling harmlessly in space, like it didn't do in real life. "We approach in as many ships as possible, and take up positions around it." Around the planet, small space.thingee representations took up spots around the planet. "Then, when we activate the Web," lines of force connected each space.thingee to nearby space.thingees, to enclose the planet in a wire cage, "we surround it, and then...!" The lines became sheets, hiding the planet, then the whole thing exploded in a vast array of pretty graphics. "Um...where are the space.thingees?" Dva asked. "Good point. We should keep those," Master Blaster said. "Don't worry, I'm sure that plan will work too..." "Fine, we'll go with that," UN said. "Get on it, everyone, every moment we take brings the Inhilators closer to Looniearth." "What about the Plot Device Engine?" Morph asked. "We can't just give up because the other side has an unfair advantage," UN replied. "We'll go with this plan, and deal with it." Morph didn't respond as UN gazed at him, but eventually nodded. As they filed out, UN was surprised to find his arm restrained by the leader of the Alt.Riders. Waiting until they were the only ones left, Agent said, "We both know that's not going to work. I have a better idea..." _-~-_ [And now, the stunning conclusion to that earlier scene that didn't take place then, and still hasn't quite taken place yet...] Deja Dude simply tore himself free of the claws. Super strength was, after all, one of the most common of all powers; right up there with flight. The creature was persistent, however, and made another grappling attempt with its scaly hands. Now that his attention had been brought to bear on it, the LNHer could see that the creature was a combination of reptilian and humanoid features, with large eyes and a mouth full of something that he hoped were tentacles. Then one of those rubbery limbs made a jab at him, as if to scratch him in the abdomen. "Hey! Didn't your mother ever teach you to keep your hands to yourself?" he admonished and threw a small flare at the creature. Those staring eyes had given him an idea, and now he backed away while also partially shielding his vision with an upraised arm. The time delay on the flare expired, exposing its contents of sodium to the ocean water and creating a blinding light as the sodium began to burn ferociously. The creature fled. Its eyes were adapted to low light levels, and now it had been scalded and temporarily blinded. As he listened to it go, Deja Dude wondered where it had come from. It could be a simple sea monster, but he couldn't dismiss the possibility that it was in some way the connected to Lagneto. The Master of Lag had, after all, detonated a mutagenic device at the Millenium Summit with the intent of transmogrifying the world leaders who had been present into mutants. [_The Lagento Saga_ #7-8 - Footnote Girl]. And since his original PhD had been on the mutagenic effects of radiation, it seemed unlikely that Lagneto would have purchased such a device from some other super scientist. In all probability he had built it himself. So. Was that creature one of his original test subjects? Unlikely, given its aquatic nature. But if Lagento's prototype mutagenic engines had somehow become active during either the descent to Looniearth or during S.C.O.R.E.'s investigations, then it was possible that sea life that had tried to take up residence here had been affected. Deja Dude shuddered. Lagento had claimed that he had only wanted to create beneficial mutations in humans, and the Legionnaire saw no reason to doubt this. But there was a world of difference between a carefully calibrated final version mutagenic device and an uncontrolled prototype. The latter could be capable of anything! Still, he didn't really have time to investigate. The Legion's resources were stretched thin enough as it is, and they were all racing against a deadline. Deja Dude looked down at the scan.thingee, then swam off in the indicated direction. It seemed to be outside the base. Hmm, it looked like Deductive Logic Man had been right: the base interior would interfere with the device he had to place. But as he went he made a mental note to tell Ultimate Ninja about his concerns for this place, so that afterwards - assuming the Looniearth survived - the Legion could investigate what might very well be a monster breeding colony. _-~-_ The space.thingees flew through space at...well, not at an appreciable fraction of light, but nevertheless at a damn fast pace that will enable them to engage the Inhilator planet before it could start in on Saturn. "I'm amazed we got everything done in time," Very Big Boy said, as he helped Retcon Lad pilot one of the space.thingees. "It helped when I and the other retconners could make it so that we happened to have grafted the Web devices onto the space.thingees before we had even heard of Master Blaster's plan," Retcon Lad exposited. Very Big Boy gazed out through the front shield at the wide expanse of space. "I never thought I'd get the chance to actually get into space...it's just so amazing out here." "It is," Retcon Lad agreed. Then he briefly looked thoughtful. "And you're a big science fiction fan, aren't you? I guess that between jumping forward into the future..." "A future," corrected Very Big Boy, sounding amused. "Okay, okay. Someone else's future. ...but between that and the whole superscience atmosphere of a big hero team base, there must be a lot of cool stuff like that." "Lots of it, but there's also stuff that's silly and frustrating." "Frustrating?" "Like the way Net.ropolis moves about. When I first heard that you had a city that went from place to place, I thought, 'Wow. I must be just like the spindizzies in the James Blish stories.' And I mean, I'm a military engineer, I'd give my right arm for a proper look at a spindizzy. Hell, even just the plans for one. But it doesn't work like that. It doesn't even roll around on wheels. It just... kind of happens off panel, and there aren't any mechanics given, let alone observable ones. One minute you're in a city in upstate New York, and the next you're in Virginia. It's kind of frustrating." "Yeah, I guess that makes sense. The Writer's seem to like making comic book jokes like that, but they don't really think things through." Very Big Boy looked bemused. "I would have thought you'd be able to ignore it. Just tune it out. The normal people do." "Sometimes you can't. Sometimes it isn't just the Writers being sloppy and us having to deal with the consequences. Sometimes it's the Writers being deliberately obnoxious. They think it's funny. Like, uhm, let's see, what would be a good example? Okay. One of the mainstays of the Legion used to be a cat girl called Panta. Lovely woman. Had a great series written by Hubert over in _Tales Of The LNH_. Well, in her final story arc her personal history was kind of smeared across multiple universes and continuities. 'Tenchi-fied' was the word used to describe it. Anyway, a strange side effect of that was that sometimes people have trouble remembering her. It's as if her presence has been spread so thin that her history as part of the LNH has become tenuous or something." "But obviously you remember her." "Well, yeah. But that's because my retconning powers. I remember stuff that's been deleted. Anyway, you know the Net.Elementalist?" "The Alt.Riders member who got left on the Inhilator planet? Uh-huh." "Right, well, that's his second costumed identity. Before that he was called Fan.Boy, and among other things he had the power to read all the posts to a newsgroup - he just had to concentrate and the information was there, inside his head. Anyway, Panta was tenchi-fied a few weeks before Fan.Boy's powers destabilised and had to be removed, and the thing was that Fan.Boy forgot all about Panta. Right up until the moment he stumbled across an episode of _Tales Of The LNH_ and rediscover the entire series. And THEN he'd come around and start raving to me about this great new series that he'd found." Very Big Boy was beginning to get an idea of where this was going. "And how any times did this happen?" "Five times in all," said Retcon Lad. "And so I'd be sitting there, trying not to loose my cool and yell 'Yes Barry, I KNOW!'." He looked a bit embarrassed. "It's not a nice thing to have to admit, but in the end I was kind of relived when he lost his powers." The radio crackled into life. "Okay peoples, arms at the ready, we're going in hot!" Master Blaster's voice rang out over the speakers. "A simple 'Are you ready?' would suffice," replied Librarian Lady. "I think you'll find we are all quite aware of the plan ahead." "Hey, Lady, we just aren't going to be aware, we're gonna kick their @##!" Master Blaster shouted back. "This is for wReanna!" "I just hope no-one jinxes us by being negative," Retcon Lad muttered. "I just hope this isn't one of those deals where we have explained to us just what is supposed to happen so everyone will realise when everything in fact goes really wrong," Bad-Timing Boy's voice echoed across the channel. "What? Give that back," Parking Karma Kid's voice said. There was a brief howl over the speakers reminiscent of a battle over a microphone, then the radio went silent. "We're going to die, aren't we?" Very Big Boy asked. "Oh yeah. And how..." Retcon Lad said reassuringly. A view from a vantage point in space would afford a breathtakingly (in fact, literally so!) beautiful vista of the ballet that the space.thingees played out. The swarm of space.thingees flew towards the Inhilator planet, like a stream of bullets fired from a gun...but then the stream peeled open like the petals of a flower, the space.thingees flowing outwards in a pleasingly regular formation. One by one, they tumbled through space to take up their relative positions around the Inhilator planet, adjusting for the relative velocity of the planet as well as their own inertia, and indeed taking into account the effects of space debris and the solar wind itself. The view afforded one of the exact placement of each ship, and would allow anyone intelligent enough to make a shrewd guess that if something was going to happen when all the ships were in position just how long it would take for the ships to reach their ultimate positions. As it happened, this view was one of the views on the main screens of the Inhilator control rooms, and those inside were very shrewd, even if they couldn't pick up exactly the plans from the minds of those outside. Which they could. "5265616479 746865 456E67696E652E" _-~-_ [By the way, for those of you keeping score, this is where the Deja Dude scene actually takes place, but since we've got this space scene going on, we thought you'd appreciate us not taking up the time now to have that scene, but put those scenes in earlier during the talky bits to break them up, and so not interrupt this exciting bit now. Aren't we nice? Back to the action!] _-~-_ Master Blaster watched with a wide grin on his face as the space.thingees slowly took up their final positions above the planet. This was going to be too easy, but what the hell? Nothing so much fun as blowing up a stationary target. Unless it was a moving target, that is. But enough of that. These things had been responsible for wReanna's coma, and if taking them out would mean that she woke up, then out they go. "Load and lock, people! Firing in one minute!" he announced into the radio system. "Don't you mean 'lock and load'?" Pizza Girl asked, who had drawn the short straw to fly with Master Blaster. But she had to admit Master Blaster had been quite well behaved on this trip, obviously consumed with worry over Sister State-The-Obvious (and she wasn't exactly unmoved by what had happened either, as Bizarre Boy had been in that team as well), and had only made two passes at her. "Can't load a locked gun," Master Blaster pointed out, watching the screen as the last two space.thingees took up their positions. "John Wayne, although he's the Duke, got it wrong in _Sands of Iwo Jima_. But who's going to tell him that, eh?" Master Blaster traced the final ship with his finger, and his grin kicked up a notch as it stopped (relatively speaking) in the right place. "Now!" he yelled, slamming his fist down onto the activation panel, making it snap, but also setting the Web off. Bright lights of force snapped into existence between the ships. Simple mathematics would have made it possible to give the number of lines there, based on the number of space.thingees, but mathematics wouldn't have been able do true justice to the sheer amount of energy, the rawness of the power of revenge, that built up over moments. When the wire shape became solid, mathematics could have described the shape (something with a lot of syllables, most likely ending in "-edron"), but again mathematics took a back seat to the explosive force that the shape represented as it sent sheer destruction into the enclosed space. A moment later, the power was gone, leaving only a few iotas of power floating through space that quickly faded out. And nothing else. Except the space.thingees. The planet...was gone. "Yes!" screamed Master Blaster, punching the air. "Got you, you @#(#$ers!" "Master Blaster!" Kid Not-Appearing-In-Any-Retcon-Hour-Story's voice came over the radio. "Something went wrong!" "Not from where I'm looking," Master Blaster returned. "We should have destroyed the planet, yes, but there should be remnants left. There's nothing there." "Exactly! We blew it up!" "No we didn't," Kid NAIARHS's reply cut through Master Blaster. "I don't know what happened but we didn't do anything at all to it..." _-~-_ It didn't comfort anyone on the Looniearth to know that the only reason they weren't immediately destroyed was because the Plot Device Engine nullified the gravitational effects of the Inhilator planet, which was more to protect the Inhilators than because they cared about anyone else. All that anyone cared about was that the sun above the Looniearth was suddenly obliterated from the sky as the arrival of Inhilators brought on an unexpected eclipse. The rogue planet loomed in the sky, its self-generated glow of pink, purple, green and yellow outlining it faintly against the darkness of the newly fallen night. It was a vision of something psycadelic painted on black velvet, but nobody who looked up said "Oh, look at the pretty colours!" For all they did see was the end of the world... -------------------------------------------------------------------------- NEXT ISSUE: Oh man, it's munchie time, and the Looniearth is next on the agenda! Tune in next time to see which bit of the world the authors hate the most and obliterate first! (Note: It ain't gonna be Alt.stralia or Net.Zealand.) But first, get yerselves over the _The Alt.Riders #43_ and find out just what Agent's new plan is... CREDITS:Back to the Index.The Inhilators were created by Jamas Enright and Saxon Brenton, who asked for far too much money to use them, which explains why the space.thingees in this issue look suspiciously like matchboxes. It was all we could afford, folks! Kid Recap created by Josh Geurink, not reserved. Sing-Along Lass created by Drizzt, not reserved. Bizarre Boy created by rjd118@psuvm.pse.edu, not reserved. Multi-Tasking Man created by Jeff Coleburn, not reserved. Ambiguous Lass created by...not sure, public domain. Irony Man created by Doug Moran, public domain. New Look Lass created by Charles Fitzgerald, not reserved. Vel created by Jesse Willey, used with permission. (Continuity note: Vel's presence fits between the _Road To Killfile Wars_ and _Killfile Wars_ miniseries.) Sister State-The-Obvious, Ultimate Ninja, Theory Man, Deductive Logic Man, Adamant Authority-on-Everything, Parking Karma Kid created by wReam, not reserved. Agent, Morph and Dva currently owned by Jamas Enright, used with permission. Kid Not-Appearing-In-Any-Retcon-Hour-Story, Retcon Lad, Very Big Boy, Librarian Lady owned by Saxon Brenton, used with permission. Bad-Timing Boy created by Vernon Harmon, public domain. Eight of Nine, Master Blaster, Pizza Girl created by Martin Phipps, not reserved. Deja Dude created by Martin Phipps, used with permission. NOTES: For those of you who weren't aware of a major plot arc in recent DC comic history, this storyline is *loosely* based on the "Our Worlds At War" storyline (which is why Saxon keeps getting the name of the comic wrong). The name "Inhilators" came about because Jamas wanted something that sounded like "Annihilators" but wouldn't be a name that anyone would ever call a race and so keep clear of any copyright issues. And with that name came a lot of ideas about just what they were...