W W A RRRR # # 111 W W W A A RRRR # # 11 11 W W A A A R R ######## 11 11 # # 11 W W III TTT H H O U U TTT # # 11 W W I T HHH O O U U T ######## 11 W W W I T H H O O U U T # # 11 W W III T H H O U T # # 11 11 W W O RRR L DDDD SSSS 11 W W O O R R L D D S 11 W W W O O RRR L D D SSSS 11 W W W W O O R R L D D S 11111111 W W O R R LLLL DDDD SSSS 11111111 [The cover shows all seven continents of the Looniearth, bestrode by a giant colossal figure akin to a pottery version of a man. Only in purple.] -------------------------------------------------------------------------- "Opening Salvo" by Jamas Enright and Saxon Brenton Pluto. Gateway to the scenic Earth solar system, and first stop for any space-faring species that crosses the Kuiper Belt. Pluses: Cheap real estate. Minuses: Out of the way location. And lack of atmosphere. It was this last point that worried Barry Knewbee (otherwise known as the Net.Elementalist of the Alt.Riders), in so far as he had time for worry, what with the lack of atmosphere and everything. He had materialized here after a quick trip through various newsgroups [As seen in _The Alt.Riders #41_ - Footnote Girl], but hadn't planned for this stop. Hence the worry over the lack of air. But this did mean he was in a perfect position to see a hole rip into spacetime before him, above the planet's surface. With a sound that sounded disgustingly like someone blowing their nose, something large appeared. [Yes, I know there's no atmosphere, but we're being dramatic here, okay? Don't look at me. I didn't write this. - Footnote Girl] Something very large. Something so large that, basically, it could easily be called another planet, especially compared to Pluto (although that wasn't hard, as Pluto fans had found out recently when confronted with some items in the Kuiper Belt). This planet didn't look like anything made from the long gravitational process applied to dust and motes of space. For a start, the surface of this planet was purple. With swirling pink colours fluorescing across it. And splashes of bright green and yellow danced upon the face as well. Dude, it was a trip all in itself. Not that Barry was able to appreciate this, as he was nearly dead. The last thing he noticed, as his body spasmed from lack of oxygen was a flash of something blue. And then the next thing he noticed was being able to breath. Not well, but some kind of thin atmosphere surrounded him, giving him just enough to wheeze and gasp. He looked up to see a small blue girl beside him. Something about her looked a little familiar, but right now his mind wasn't in the best state to form cognitive thoughts. His sight was dragged back to the planet, the surface colours hypnotically drawing him in, gaining a hold on his mind, smearing his thoughts across a thousand neurons... Barry wasn't sure if it grew, or swung around from another side of the planet, ...or if he was just going insane..., but somehow the planet had a nose. A standard triangular affair, two holes at the bottom, rounded at the sides and everything. The odd thing about it was that it was a nose on the planet. A planet-sized nose. And if that wasn't bad enough it looked to be sniffing! Barry managed to lurch to his knees, his hand now on the blue girl for support, her strangeness forgotten in the face of this far larger weirdness. What was that coming out of the nose? A long tube...which had white and red stripes curling up along it. It was like some kind of gigantic straw, but that was impossible...wasn't it? Then again, he was looking at a planet with a nose. The straw extended until it hit the planet's surface. Although it wasn't directly beside him, Barry could feel the impact of it as it shook the ground beneath him. There was a pause, and then the nose started trembling, but not as much as Barry was right then. It took a moment for Barry to realise that he wasn't trembling in fear, but because the planet was shaking. In fact, more than shaking. It lurched underneath him, sending Barry sprawling again (although the girl wasn't affected in the slightest). This was no ordinary planet-quake, something far more fundamental was happening here. But it wasn't until the ground near him collapsed that he worked out what was going on. The end of the straw was revealed, as a large lump of the planet was drawn into it. More than drawn, it was sucked in. As were other parts of the planet. Up and along the straw and into the nose! Pluto was being destroyed and...inhaled...by this other planet!! And he was still on it!!! _-~-_ The sun beat down on the bare fields near Sa.LAN.ca, Spain. Wind barely made any impact on the heat, and the few locals worked at a casual pace, waiting for the sun to subside before any real effort could be made. The few who saw the lightning bolt rent the air could scarcely believe their eyes. Did this mean rain? But the ones even closer to the touch down point knew better. This didn't mean anything good at all. The figure was cloaked in purple, with blue piping, a short red cape covering its shoulders. What skin could be seen was rock-like, grey, hard looking. There was a rumble that echoed whenever it moved. And move it did. It stood up. The onlookers had to crane their necks to see the top of it. Outback Alt.stralia was covered in darkness, the sun having departed quite some time ago. Not that that stopped the desert life, now free from the oppressive heat, creatures scuttled back and forth across the sandy rocks, seeking food and water. Aborigines tended fires, but mostly slept. There was nothing here they weren't used to. Until the lightning bolt struck. The night was clear, so none of them could see where it came from, but they could see what it left. The figure stood, in purple and blue, ashen features looking stoicly at the land before it. Las Vegas was the town that never slept, so there were many people up in the early hours of the morning. However, as they were nearly all inside, or staggering blearily from one place to the other, none of them saw the lightning bolt that struck outside of town. Not that many of them would have noticed anyway, the garish lights and bright colours of Las Vegas being far more impressive than anything nature could create. No, the first sign the populace got of the new figure that had joined them was the earthquake it caused by punching the ground. _-~-_ "Woah!" California Kid nearly fell off his chair as the LNH monitoring board lit up in bright flashing colours. "Like, off the scale, dude." He scrambled to silence alarms and bring up relevant information. "Lightning? Earthquakes? Major bummer, dude." Paging through screens, he ordered up satellite imagery to see what help was needed. After the Asian Tsunami and Hurricane Katrina, the LNH was ready and eager to help out again when natural disasters struck. But when the first photos started appearing before him, California Kid couldn't help but glance nervously at the phone, then over to the clock on the wall. Man, he hated to wake the ninja at this time of night, but he hated worse what would happen if he didn't wake him up. More information poured in, and California Kid's eyes widened as he realised the full extent of the attack, and attack it was. Alt.stralia, Af.rec.a, Ant.alt.ica, the southern and northern Ame.rec.as, Eur.io.pe and Alt.sia...all continents had received a visitor, and now... California Kid snatched up the phone with one hand, and slammed the other on the 'Emergency Alert Big Red Button' button, activating klaxons and circling red lights all through-out the LNHHQ. "Dude, dude, dude," he said into the phone, but couldn't hear what the Ultimate Ninja said in return (which was something of a blessing). "Dude, better get up here, dude." Before even the ninja could arrive other LNHers started grouping in the monitoring room, asking confused questions and generally not getting anything done with all the cacophony. A throwing star smacked into the main control board, cutting off the sirens, but leaving people's ears ringing. The LNHers parted to reveal the Ultimate Ninja standing in the doorway. "What's going on?" California Kid pointed to the board. "It's a full scale attack, dude. All across the world." The UN strode to the world map, his eyes taking in the information. "Right, get LNH Europe to Spain, see if LNH Canada can hop over to Alt.sia. Get List Lad to form up some teams and get them out there." The room was still in the wake of the orders. "Now, people!" The room was still in the wake of everyone suddenly disappearing to be somewhere else. Except for two people who strode in. "Ultimate Ninja, we've got to talk." California Kid, still at his station, flicked his eyes over to see the Net.Elementalist standing there with some weird looking naked blue kid beside him. Was that his daughter or something? "Net.Elementalist," the Ultimate Ninja said, barely looking around. "I need someone with your power on one of the teams. Perhaps Alt.stralia, you're from near there, aren't you?" "Well, New Zealand, but...listen, Pluto's gone!" "I have rather more serious concerns than missing dogs," the UN hissed. "No, the planet!" This stopped both California Kid and Ultimate Ninja. "What?" "There was this other planet. And then Pluto was...sucked up into it!" The Ultimate Ninja sighed. "I don't have time for this," he said. "In case you haven't noticed, we're under attack at the moment. I think that's rather more important than something happening to one of the outer planets." "Fine, then I'll get someone else to take care of it," the Net.Elementalist replied, turning around. "No, I need you in Alt.stralia! Net.Elementalist!...Barry!" But by that time, the Net.Elementalist was gone. "Fine!" The UN swung back to the board. "I want teams of at least seven fighting these things. They look big, and we have no idea how much power is needed to take one down. Get List Lad on it." "Sure thing, UN, dude," California Kid responded, then paused. "And Pluto?" California Kid wasn't sure but he almost thought he detected the ninja's eyes flicking after the Net.Elementalist. "If he can find some people to spare, send a space.thingee to look into it." As California Kid nodded, the UN added quickly, "but only three people. We're going to need everything down here." _-~-_ The frigid wastes of Ant.alt.ica spread out around the looming figure. Cold wind blew harshly, but didn't effect it at all. The whiteness reflected solar rays, blindingly, but again without any effect. There was a momentary extra flash of light, then a group of superheroes stumbled onto the ice. "^*(&!" one immediately swore. "It's @%ing freezing!" "This is Ant.alt.ica," another pointed out. "Tendency to ice and sub-zero temperatures." "Fahrenheit or Celsius?" "First one, then the other." "*sigh* I can't believe I walked into that." "I say, he looks like a dreadful blighter." "I would have to agree, old chap." "Shut the $* up!" Innovative Offensive Boy spun around on his teammates. "The first thing is containment! Captain Napalm, Invisible Incendiary, front and center. Surround and contain." "At once!" Captain Napalm took to the air, immediately sending out rays of fire to strike the ice near the figure, but nothing else happened. "II? Where are you? He came with us, didn't he?" There was silence, which was broken after a moment by Fourth Wall Lass. "He's over there," she replied. "I can see his thought bubbles." "Hey! I wasn't thinking!" replied Invisible Incendiary. Fourth Wall Lass smirked. "I'll say." "All right, all right..." Another burst of flame exploded and soon the giant figure was surrounded. Not that it seemed to notice. "Doctor, any ideas?" IO Boy asked. Doctor Stomper was studying the ground. "I think we should have waited a little to see what exactly it was up to." "A bit late now for that @#*(ing advice, isn't it?" Doctor Stomper reached down and felt the ice. "It's not noticing the flame, is it? It's just doing...well, whatever. I think we should find out what that is. After all, it's not going anywhere." IO Boy sighed. "Fine. Captain Napalm, Invisible Incendiary, stand down. Nomex Man, you're up." "Stand back." Nomex Man walked up to the wall of flame, treading careful to avoid falling over on the already melting top layer, and then stepped into the flame. After only a moment, the fire around Nomex Man went out, and like a breath of wind the nearby fire fluttered, then went out, racing around the circle that had just been created, until only Nomex Man was there. "Better?" Doctor Stomper nodded. "Why's it touching the ground like that?" The group stared at the figure intently. It was kneeling down to touch the ground with its hand. In fact, staring closer, they were able to make out that the hand was surrounded by a faint purple glow. "Fourth Wall Lass? Can you read anything?" Fourth Wall Lass concentrated for a moment, then shook her head. "Nothing. No thought bubbles. No captions. Perhaps I might be able to look a few panels ahead and see if it does anything soon?" "Fine. Meantime, let's see if we can...push it over or &*## it up or something." IO Boy rubbed his hands. "Mainstream Man, give it a push?" "What? Me? Why? I'm only up to page 14 on the latest Man of Steel." "Oh for @*(#'s sake..." IO Boy walked carefully over the melting ice and kicked the figure in the boot. Nothing happened, Nothing continued to happen as IO Boy walked around, alternatively punching and kicking the figure in various places. "It's like it's made of rock or something..." "This is a big waste of time," Invisible Incendiary muttered, although loud enough for people to hear. "So glad we came down here." "Um..." Doctor Stomper tapped his foot, watching a puddle of water splash under his shoe. "Has anyone noticed that the water's still-" "Fly!" Fourth Wall Lass shouted, reappearing. "Fly now!" The purple around the figure's hand suddenly exploded brightly, but the heroes had other things to worry about as the ice they were standing on shattered, sending them all falling downwards into the even more freezing sea. _-~-_ The giant that had materialized in the middle of Alt.stralia had done so near, but not at, Uluru, and was now slowly walking across the moonlit landscape towards the huge red monolith. For some reason that probably had more to do with building narrative tension than common sense it had arrived on the far side of Yulara - meaning that it had to pass through the sleeping resort town, endangering tens of thousands of locals and tourists. Fortunately the Legion was there to deal with the situation. "You know," said Mouse, "It's amazing that they sent all the Net.Zealanders they had on a mission into the middle of the Alt.stralian desert." "Not really, dear," replied Writers Block Woman. "They didn't send any of the kiwis," she pointed out, referring to the hordes of small green flightless birds with hairy feathers that had set up house in the LNH-HQ. "And it's not as though they have that many Alt.stralian members left now that Chinese Guy's gone," she added, raising her voice a little. "I would have thought you'd say that even one was one too many," said Mouse, matching her increase in volume. "He was a perfectly nice young man," Writers Block Woman said loudly. "You only stopped distrusting him when you found out that his nickname of 'Cultural Cringe Boy' meant that he hated Steve Irwin as much as you did," shouted Mouse. "I fail to see what that has to do with anything," screamed Writers Block Woman. "And do you have to make so much NOISE!?" she yelled at Liefeld's Porpoise, who was having great fun blasting at the giant with his BigGun. "Sorry, what did you say?" asked Liefeld's Porpoise in the sudden silence that fell after he stopped firing. "I couldn't hear you over all the noise." The cybernetically enhanced dolphin grinned. Well, dolphins were very good at grinning - but at the moment he was grinning from the adrenaline rush of repeatedly blasting at something with impunity. Mouse squinted at the giant figure. "Has all that shooting actually done anything?" she asked. "I mean, apart from very efficiently waking everybody so that they can stumble about in their pyjamas, ineffectually trying to evacuate?" "Hmm. Kind of hard to tell with all that dust adding to the darkness," admitted Liefeld's Porpoise. There was bleep from the comm.thingee. "Ordinary Lady to Writers Block Woman, do you read?" "Yes dear, we're all here," WBW trilled. "How are things going for blast damage?" "Hard to say, really. All we can really tell is that it hasn't taken enough damage to fall over yet." "Well, it's getting closer to town. We should move on to Plan B." "Roger that," said Writers Block Woman. "I'll bring Liefeld's Porpoise and meet Bladed Lad and yourself at the giant. Over." Then she looked at the dolphin. "You have all your equipment ready?" "Definitely," he grinned. Mouse sighed. "I'll go and help Frothing-At-The-Mouth Lad with the evacuations." She reached for her hip flask and was about to take a sip when she stopped and stared at the container in her hand. "Nggahhh!" she yelled, and threw it away. "What is it, dear?" asked Writers Block Woman. "Something wrong?" said Liefeld's Porpoise. "A hip flask!? A fricking HIP FLASK!?" ranted Mouse, ignoring them. "One little reference to drinking during the 'Happy Families' arc and now I'm an alco!? Screw you, Mister Big Shot Writers. You want to make wild extrapolations of characterization based on off-hand comments, then go and do it with someone else!"Back to the Index.Okay. A while ago, back in Net.ropolis: "Where in Net.Hell are my socks?" demanded Frat Boy. Frank stuck his head around the corner from the kitchen. "What are you complaining about?" "My socks! I know I dumped them here somewhere. I can always find them at home!" Frank O'Malley wandered in and across to the opposite side of the room, where he picked up the offending pair of socks from where they were lying in a bookshelf and handed them over. "You're a slob, man." Frat Boy scowled. "This from guy who wears the same unwashed wrestling leotards to his matches for a whole week?" "Hey, I'm a jock," said the big redhead with the build of a sumo. "People expect that sort of thing from a guy in my position. But you, you're a net.hero, and you've got a different set of expectations to uphold," he told Frat Boy as the latter struggled to finish putting his shoes on. "Now get moving. You've got a world to help save," he said, giving Frat Boy an affectionate hug and then pushing him out the door. The Legionnaires stared at the flashback scene. Mouse said in a perfectly neutral tone, "Tom Russell is absolutely going to kill you for bringing back that plot thread, and all the talking gorilla stories in the world aren't going to save you. You do realise this, don't you?" _-~-_ The bright lights of Las Vegas played faintly over the giant figure, and caught in momentary flashes the superheroes that were fighting it. "WHY WON'T YOU GO DOWN?" asked CAPTAIN CAPITALIZE as he crashed into the figure, barely making it rock on its heels. It responded by trying to swat at the hero, who managed to duck out of the way at the expense of getting another shot in. "Anything?" Fearless Leader asked, backing away, and trying to line up another bazooka shot at its foot, hoping that accumulative damage might eventually take effect. "Nothing. There's something...strange about it," Fuzzy replied, keeping well back. "Occultism Kid, anything on your end?" "I'm afraid not. My magic isn't having the right effect on it," Occultism Kid responded. "Oh really?" asked Limp-Asparagus Lad, attempting to reduce the damage the figure was doing by reducing the drama of its attacks. "That sounds rather unusual. What sort of effects were you thinking of?" "Now isn't the time, Limpy," Squeaky Clean responded. "That thing will start destroying Las Vegas in about five minutes, and we don't seem to be having any impact on it." "Hey, don't worry about it. This is #$*(ing Ame.rec.a, and nothing messes with my country," Obnoxious Ame.rec.a Boy replied. "This is the best #(*(ing country in the entire *($$ing world, and once we beat this thing, you can bet that we'll be able to show everyone else how to do it, and easily, because we're so wonderful." The ground under the figure shook, then melted, the figure's feet sinking in about a meter...leaving several meters of foot above the quicksand. "Nuts," said OK quietly as the figure simply strode out of it. "Fire in the hole!" Fearless Leader shouted, then looked away as the missile shot out and impacted the figure's leg, with as much success as previously. "Not even a burn mark." "It's as if it's not really there," Limp-Asparagus Lad mused as CAPTAIN CAPITALIZE flew in again. "We can see it, but can't harm it. Maybe as illusion of some kind?" "Of course! That makes sense!" Occultism Kid yelled. "Not really," said Squeaky Clean, pulling Fuzzy out of the way as a giant foot crashed down where she had just been standing. "What does that mean?" "There's a spell I want to try, but if it works it'll only be for a moment. But for me to cast it, we need that thing to stay still." "Sure, no problems, I'll just ask it to wait, shall I?" Fearless Leader said, but already looking around for some way to get what Occultism Kid asked for. "Leave it to me. I am an Ame.rec.an, after all," Obnoxious Ame.rec.a Boy said. He walked out in front of the path of the figure. "I said, I AM AN AME.REC.AN," he yelled at the figure. "AND YOU WILL STOP WHAT YOU ARE DOING AND LISTEN TO EVERYTHING I SAY BECAUSE I'M SO MUCH BETTER THAN YOU!" And stop the figure did. But mainly because CAPTAIN CAPITALIZE and Limp-Asparagus Lad hit it with a a double flying punch that managed to knock it off balance. But off-balance it was, giving Occultism Kid the time he needed to fire off his spell. The spell hit, and the figure was outlined in purple energy, which grew brighter, then the figure seemed to waver, as if in a heat field, before flattening into a two dimensional image that hurt the eyes of the heroes looking at it. But it only last a moment, and then the figure was back to normal, and this time Squeaky Clean had to pull Obnoxious Ame.rec.a Boy out of the way. "Hey, get your hands off me, I'm an Ame.rec.an!" "Did you find out what you needed to know?" Fearless Leader asked Occultism Kid. Occultism Kid nodded slowly. "But you're not going to like it." Fearless Leader winced at the crashing sound that accompanied the sight of the figure walking into the first hotel in its path. Glass and metal bent and shattered around it, screaming people filled the air, but there was no sign this was in any way slowing down the figure. Squeaky Clean, CAPTAIN CAPITALIZE, Limp-Asparagus Lad and Obnoxious Ame.rec.a Boy ran after it as Fearless Leader spun on Occultism Kid. "That's going to happen a lot more unless we stop it. What's going on!?" "It's not really real," Occultism Kid replied. "It's more...like a kind of projection...of the mind." "What? There isn't a mind there," Fuzzy interjected. "If there was, I could affect it!" "It's...like psychic energy given form, a physical shell so it can interact with this world." "How do we stop it?" Fearless Leader asked, as calmly as he was capable of at the time. "I'm not sure we can..." _-~-_ "Report!" Ultimate Ninja barked, causing the figures in the monitoring room to jump. "We've got engagements on all continents," wReamhack reported. "But no reports of success yet. We've lost contact with our teams in Alt.sia and Ant.alt.ica." "Ready back up teams," the ninja ordered. "Whatever's going on, we need to know about it now!" "I, List Lad, am on it," List Lad replied. "But...well..." "What?" "Well...it's not like we've got a lot of heavy hitters on these teams," List Lad replied. "No-one's seen Kid Kirby, and most of the back ups could, well...cook us a nice meal rather than take on city destroyers." "We are all LNHers," the ninja said. "We'll do what it takes. Reestablish contact now, and if you can't get through, send in reinforcements." "Dude!" California Kid called out. "The dudes in Vegas, like, called in, man. They say these things are some kind of psychic beings, dude. Like, wow." "Psychic? Get Psionic Lad up here, pronto." "Oh no..." "What is it?" "Ant.alt.ica," wReamhack replied. "I was scanning the area, and...there's a hole in the middle of it." "What?" "Like it's been melted. Right where that thing was. And it's getting bigger. If this keeps up...the southern hemisphere is going to get rising waters soon, and we're not going to be far behind." "Just what the hell is going on around here?" _-~-_ "C..C..Cold," Fourth Wall Lass managed to stutter out, not able to achieve more than a doggy paddle. "Captain Napalm will get us out shortly," Doctor Stomper replied, keeping pace with here. "Yes, it's not warm, but not freezing." "Fe..Feels freezing to me," Fourth Wall Lass replied. "No, it's warmer than it should be. Ah, here you go." Fourth Wall Lass gratefully sagged in Captain Napalm's arms as he lifted her free of the water, just managing to hold on as he flew up out of the newly created well and onto the sheet of ice that surrounded them. The rest of the team was already there, standing as close as they could tolerate to Invisible Incendiary, who was providing them with much needed warmth. "Will he be all right?" Fourth Wall Lass asked, shivering. Innovative Offensive Boy looked up from where he was kneeling by Mainstream Man. "The shock of the water knocked him out, but he'll be fine. But we've got worse *(##ing problems." "Worse? Than this?" "How far away is the edge?" Fourth Wall Lass turned and judged. "About twenty meters, why?" "It was forty when we were pulled out," Nomex Man said. "How's that possible?" "That thing is still melting the ice, but now it's in the deep." "And still capable of doing that?" "I think we have a problem!" Doctor Stomper called out, as he crested the rim, courtesy of Captain Napalm. "We #$&*#ing already know!" IO Boy called back. "Any #*#ing ideas?" As soon as he landed, Doctor Stomper was at II's side. "We know where it is. It's just a matter of getting to it and stopping it." "If that's so easy, I'll go home now then," II said, his voice weak from the continual output of his powers. "Where is the #(#$er?" IO Boy asked. "Straight down. I doubt the currents could effect it, so it would just drop. And that expanding pool is still centered on the right place." "Shouldn't we move?" Fourth Wall Lass asked, looking at the rim, which was now only ten meters away. "No," IO Boy replied. "We have to ($#(#ing take it out here and now." "How?" "Doc, you said it goes straight @)@@ing down. Until it hits the !_($#ing sea floor, yes?" "Should do." "And what if we crack the sea floor?" "Huh? How?" "Never @)#)#ing mind that, what then?" "It would continue to sink down...until either the lava or pressure or something destroys it." "Then that's what we (@(@ing do. Would you say the floor would be )#(#ing frozen?" "What? No, water is densest at four degrees Celsius, which is how fishes and such can survive cold winters. Four degrees is about as cold as the bottom of the sea gets." "Would fire crack it )@)(#ing open?" "It...might do..." "Then I have a _#(#ing plan." "How do we get down there?" "Not us. Just two. One to _#)#ing drill a hole through the water, the other to #)($ing drill a hole in the floor." "You can't be serious!" "Doctor, we have no @)#*$ing communications at the moment, no (*$#ing idea what the rest of the LNH is up to, and if we don't do any-#$*$ing-thing about this, what will happen?" "If the water keeps melting? Tides will rise, and..." "The rest of the *$#(%ing world floods. We are not ($*#ing having that again." IO Boy turned to the others. "II. Captain Napalm. I need you to )(#*$ing do something." _-~-_ As Mouse and Frothing-At-The-Mouth Lad continued to coordinate the evacuation of bewildered and be-pyjamaed tourists, the other Legionnaires directed Plan B against the giant. After the long range attack by Liefeld's Porpoise's BigGun had proven futile, the Legionnaires had shifted tactics to try something more up close and personal, and were currently engaged in enthusiastically trying to chop the giant's leg off. Between the deadly swordsmanship of Ordinary Lady, the monofilament cutter attachments that Liefeld's Porpoise had produced from his toolkit pouches, and the wickedly sharp implements that Bladed Lad (another of the aforementioned natives of Net.Zealand) had morphed his hands into, they actually seemed to be having some success. Of course, this was difficult to carry out while the giant figure was on the move, but fortunately Writer's Block Woman was doing a sterling job of distracting the entity. The net.heroes had discovered early on that the thing had no mind, and was therefore immune to both her powers to sow confusion and indecision and Frothing-At-The-Mouth Lad's abilities to overwhelm with diatribes about ill-considered comic book stories. But it seemed that it could still react to certain stimulations: "Neener neerer neerer, you fiendish extraterrestrial juggernaut! You can't catch me!" WBW taunted as she flitted about in the air before its face, and then ducked aside to avoid the giant's rather clumsy attempts to snatch at her. "You'll have to better than tha-aat!" she sing-songed. Writer's Block Woman buzzed around the side of the giant's head, trying to keep its attention. This seemed to be going well overall. How fortunate that this creature had such a limited attention span that it couldn't walk and chew gum at the same time. Or walk and swat heroes, as the the case may be. A ways below her she could see the moving flashes of light that marked where the headset lamps of the other three Legionnaires were. She hoped they were doing well. "No," she told the giant, "Pay attention to *ME*!" "How are we going?" asked Bladed Lad. Actually, he had a pretty good idea that they were inflicting serious damage on the giant, because by this time it was no longer focusing its attention solely on Writer's Block Woman. Instead they had their work cut out for them as they had to dodge about in the air with the personal flight.thingees that they'd been issued with, ducking away to avoid the attempted swats of the giant and then back in to inflict another hasty incision or two. The latter wrinkle was a somewhat gruelling task for Bladed Lad, since he hadn't logged in much flight training time. Thank goodness the three of them had a skilled natural flier in Writer's Block Woman providing cover for them. "We're getting there," replied Ordinary Lady. "Although some of the the cuts are beginning to seep some sort of purple Kirby-dot energy." "Do you suppose it's some sort of energy creature within a shell?" asked Liefeld's Porpoise. "Could be," said Ordinary Lady. She glanced about at the lights of the town. They had lured it to a football oval on the outskirts of Yulara, and while Writer's Block Woman was keeping it mostly occupied they had begun their drawn-out assault of trying to cripple it. Ordinary Lady weighed the situation and said, "We'll need to lure it further away from town in case a breach in its exterior somehow causes a dangerous leak, or even an explosion." "Gotcha," said Bladed Lad. "Well, it was heading in the direction of the national park anyway, so if we deflect it around to the north so that it avoids the center of town, then we can finish this off away from the general population." Ordinary Lady contacted first Writer's Block Woman and then Frothing-At-The-Mouth Lad and Mouse and told them about the change in plan. Mouse replied, "Okay, according to the tour operators that we've been able to contact, all the night sky viewing groups should have finished around 11 o'clock or so." "We've also gotten confirmation that there aren't any camping grounds on the near side of the park," said Frothing-At-The-Mouth Lad. "So once you get this bozo around the town you should have a bit of leeway if he starts to slowly wander. Do you want any help with that? Mouse and myself can fly out there to help with the flying-in-its-face if you need us." "No, for now you two stay on the ground and keep in contact with the the local authorities," said Ordinary Lady. "We'll call you if we need you. Right everybody, let's herd this guy out." _-~-_ "Get those people out of the way!" Fearless Leader yelled. "At least try to limit the damage!" So far, only Limp-Asparagus Lad was having much effect in reducing the number of casualties, if only because he could reduce the dramatic impact of casualties. But that involved a fine balancing act between the extremes of cinematic destruction which would have caused vast amounts of over-the-top property damage and more realistic effects that would harm lots of people, and it couldn't reduce the numbers beyond a certain point. It certainly couldn't stop the problem. Nothing could stop the problem. "It's heading onto the Strip!" Fuzzy yelled. "Once it hits those hotels..." "Occultism Kid, can't you do anything?" "It's just too big! No area effect spell I've got it powerful enough at the size needed to have any effect on it! And no direct spell is working. It's basically just ignoring them." The figure stopped moving for a moment, giving them a chance to catch up, and move civilians out of the way. "What's it waiting for?" Squeaky Clean asked, wiping his forehead after stopping the latest falling wall from creating too large a mess. The figure raised it hands...and then smacked them into the ground. The heroes, and everyone else in the city, were tossed as the ground rippled under their feet. Windows shattered from the seismic shock, alarms sounded, adding to the already intense noise, and more panic set in. "STOP THAT!" CAPTAIN CAPITALIZE roared. The soundwave of that alone shook the figure, and the follow up punch caused it to rock on its heels, but after that it merely raised its hands again. "Oh no, no, no..." Fuzzy moaned, before hearing something else. "What the hell is that!?!?" Next to them, the front of a building was rising from the rest of the building, revealing a large hanger behind it, that contained a very large construct. "Yes!" Fearless Leader yelled, punching his fist into the air. "What is that?" Squeaky Clean yelled. There was a pause as light exploded in the hanger space, lighting up the thing inside. It looked like a robot, or a man, or something. One leg rose and then it took a trembling step forwards. The heroes ducked as cables fell from it. "Hello," a voice blared from a speaker. "Sorry about the late arrival. Had to cobble this together. This is Kid Pocky, from inside the Angstvangelion... Oh, all those people...how could this happen? I can not let it happen again!" "Awfully chipper, isn't he?" Fuzzy muttered. "It's an Angstvangelion," Limp-Asparagus Lad replied. "Emphasis on angst. The pilot needs to maintain a level of depression in order to power it up properly. "Get on with it!" Fearless Leader yelled. The figure was now looking at the Angstvangelion, its attention for the first time now directed at something other than its continuing destruction. It stood, arms dropping to its side, as it turned to face the newcomer. The long limbs of the Angstvangelion swung forwards as Kid Pocky directed the mecha forwards. In only a few strides it faced the figure. Eye to eye. And considering the size of the figure that was no small feat. The figure swung an arm up and around, but this was blocked by a smooth move as the Angstvangelion raised its own arm. In return, the Angstvangelion reached out and took a hold on the figure's head, applying crushing force. Small fractures appeared on the figure's head, but it didn't break. In return, it grabbed the Angstvangelion's arm, and started to bend it. "Um, guys," Kid Pocky's voice sounded. "Little help? I don't have infinite power on this thing, you know." "Oh right." Waking up from their distracted airs, the other heroes leapt back into the fray. _-~-_ The water steamed around them. II was barely conscious at this point, but he managed to keep up his power, turning the water into steam so that he and Captain Napalm could fly through it unrestricted. But not unharmed, the water having been superheated above boiling point in less than a second. But neither of them focussed on that. There was a job to do, and only they could do it. Straight down they plunged, and around them a purple light filled the water, guiding them on, faster and faster as they flew. Until... Captain Napalm exploded his power, even as the water crashed in on their return path. Their speed was such that they covered the distance to the sea bed in moments, but that was the easy part. The sea bed heaved and cracked under the sudden onslaught. The ground beneath the figure bowed and buckled as it continued obliviously to heat the water around it, but now more heat was being pumped beneath it. Which could only go on for so long. The sea bed cracked. Lava, barely contained at the best of times, vented upwards, crashing into the water, immediately creating more steam. But this was only the secondary effect. The figure dropped into the lava, the pressure impacting on it doubling, tripling, more as it did so. Even it had a breaking point. The explosion was a blast of purple, pushing all before it away. But the explosion was normal. The frigid waves warmed up, but quickly cooled down again. Ice started forming immediately as the warmth was carried away. And two superheroes were flung upwards. Although now unconscious. _-~-_ "UN, Vegas reports the figure is under control. Most likely to be destroyed in the next few minutes." UN nodded. This was the third such report, and he started to mentally breath a sigh of relief. Whatever this attack was, they were starting to get it under control. "Oh crap," wReamhack said. "Repeat that," he said into his headset. "I'm going to put you on speaker." "...approaching the Ant.alt.ica site," the voice of Psionic Lad crackled through, from their flight.thingee. "I felt...enormous psychic explosion...getting some readings...we've found the team...they're all unconscious...I think...can't quite tell." "From the cold?" UN asked. "...no...the psychic blast knocked them out...water's returning to normal. Looks like they took out that creature. But it caused a huge psychic backlash when they did..." "Meaning?" "If it caused this...we can't destroy any more, especially in populated areas...the number of deaths that would result..." "What? Quick, tell the other teams not to destroy the things." "Huh? Then what are they supposed to do?" "Just...contain them...but they can't be destroyed." "Okay..." "Get back to you soon...am collecting the team now." Psionic Lad's transmission clicked off. "Get others on this. We need more people if we have to contain these things." "Uh, dude. Getting something back from space team." "What? What are you talking about?" "The guys sent to look into Pluto? We got a report back." "I don't have time for that now." "This sounds important, dude..." California Kid flicked a switch, and once again the speakers crackled into life. "...large purple planet...or pink...green? Really weird..." "Who is that?" UN snapped. "Parking Karma Kid. He, Kid Not-Appearing-In-Any-Retcon-Hour-Story, and Bad Timing Boy took the Riki Tiki Tavi to check it out." "Bad Timing Boy?" California Kid shrugged. "He wandered in asking if there was something to be done when we picked the team." "Right." "...Pluto's completely destroyed...but we traced the pink, purple planet...it's near Neptune...it's...it's destroying Neptune...just sucking it up...looks like a nose..." "It's snorting Neptune," Bad-Timing Boy's voice sounded. "The planet is snorting up Neptune!" "At this rate...it could clear out the solar system in a few days! It's only a matter of time before it gets to Looni.earth!" -------------------------------------------------------------------------- NEXT ISSUE: Just what the Hell(tm) is going on here? Find out in the next exposition packed issue! But first, find out what the Net.Elementalist and that blue girl get up to in the official tie-in comic, _The Alt.Riders #42_! CREDITS: The Net.Elementalist and the blue girl are Jamas' and used with permission. Fourth Wall Lass is Saxon's and used with permission. Writer's Block Woman and Mouse are Jaelle's and used with permission. Kid Pocky and his Angstvangelion are Dvandom's and used with permission. Psionic Lad is Carolyn Vaughan's and cameod without permission. Bladed Lad created by Campbell "Sasquatch" March and not reserved. California Kid, Captain Napalm, Doctor Stomper, Fearless Leader, Mainstream Man, Nomex Man are Public Domain. Captain Capitalize created by wReam and not reserved. Frat Boy and Innovative-Offense Boy created by Uplink and not reserved. Fuzzy created by Connie Hirsch and not reserved. Invisible Incendiary created by Steve Hutchinson and not reserved. Liefeld's Porpoise created by Aaron Veenstra and not reserved. List Lad created by Scavenger and not reserved. Occultism Kid created by Josh Geurink and not reserved. Ordinary Lady created by Martin Phipps and not reserved. Squeaky Clean created by Maurice Beyke and not reserved. Ultimate Ninja is the Writer Character of wReam and useable without permission. NOTES: Jamas had an idea to destroy Pluto long before it happened in comics, so he decided to also take out Neptune as well just because he could...and lo!, a mini-series was born... Saxon got dragged in because Jamas couldn't work out the plot by himself...