Blue Light Productions and Rose Garden Press presents
Terror in Got.ham City: Writers Block Woman and Mouse return!
The plane flew on through the dense cloud bank.
"Bruce, I don't think it's going to clear soon."
The pilot kept his concentration on the view outside, only
taking glimpses at the instruments. "You think I want to be responsible
for these guys not getting through?"
The copilot sighed. "Sometimes, Bruce, even you have to concede
to events."
Bruce frowned. "What kind of philosophical crap is that?" He
switched on the radio. "Uh... what's closest? That would be...."
Switching into a more professional mode, he continued "Got.ham City Air
Tower, this is flight PD654, requesting immediate clearance and landing
instructions."
A moment later, the reply came "Flight PD654, this is Got.ham
City Air Tower. Please wait for instructions."
Covering his mike, the pilot turned to the co-pilot. "Alfred,
better tell our passangers that we're stopping over in the city of
grime."
_-~-_
Half an hour later, the plane was on the ground, with a large escort
waiting for the people inside. But there was one problem.
"He's missing!"
"Which one?"
"Ninja-san!"
"Damn. How could he be missing?"
"His cell's empty!"
"Quick, get it open!"
The guards, already on edge from the mere duty of ferrying
convicts to The Safe in Colorado, further worried by this unscheduled
stop, now drew their firearms, looking as likely to blow their own arms
off as actually shoot a prisoner.
The door to the Ninja-san's cell slowly rattled open, to reveal,
as could plainly be seen through the bars, an empty cell. One of the
guards hesitantly moved forward, entering the cell.
The ninja stopped hiding in almost non-existent shadows, and
grabbed the guard.
The first four shots punched through the guard's chest, now just
a shield for the ninja. Ninja-san swiftly exitted the cell, and grasped
two gun barrels, pulling the guards into his hands, which smashed into
their faces, pushing their noses into their heads.
The next second, and two more guards were down. The others
stunned by what they had seen were then stunned by the ninja's blows,
and they collapsed.
In all, it wasn't even ten seconds.
Smiling to himself, Ninja-san glided over to the controls and
let the rest of the criminals out.
"That's the last time I try to get the Statue of Liberty," said
Odd Kahn, his outfit causing the ninja to wince.
"I remember the last time I was captured. I was sentenced to
fifteen years, and the first year was very pleasent, actually. But the
second was cold, so I felt I had to leave. It wasn't that easy of
course, but I knew what I had to do. I wrote a letter to my lawyer, but
he wrote back to me saying..." droned Dr. Boring.
Pointless Death Man pulled one of the shotguns from the guards,
and blew away Mr. Happy and The Discriminator.
"What do the sheep of this city like?" asked Karmic Death,
leaving his cell. "Are they naughty? Are they nice? Let's find out."
"Convicts taking over a plane," mused the Injoker. "There's
something familiar about that."
"We're not out yet," said Ninja-san. "There's still guards
outside."
"Why don't we just fly away?" suggested Odd Kahn.
"Fog's too thick. That's why we landed," pointed out Ninja-san.
"... but the flowers weren't very pretty. I had to take them
back, but the florist wouldn't give me my money back, which is a very
bad attitude to take, especially in these times, when politeness is so
much more valuable. One little thing, yet it means so much..."
"Right," said Pointless Death Man, reloading his gun. "Who's
next?" He placed the barrel on Karmic Death's forehead.
"Have you been nice?" asked Karmic Death, unphased by the threat
of imminent death.
"Better yet," said Ninja-san. "Kill those outside."
"Good idea," said PDM. "I like shooting ducks in the barrel."
PDM let out a whoop, and jumped from the plane. Several shots were
heard, all of which came from Pointless Death Man's gun, even though it
only held two shots.
"We must be in Got.ham City," said Odd Kahn, peering out to see
if the way was clear. "Although I suggest we get away from here as soon
as possible."
"Got.ham... that sounds like my kind of town. Just the sort of
place I could go... bats in," said the Injoker.
"I think I'll stay here a while," said Karmic Death, his eyes
staring at something far away. "The people of Got.ham need someone to
show them the way."
"Got.ham is as good a place as any," said Ninja-san. "Tell you
what. I'll create a diversion here while you get away."
The other villains nodded, and slipped out, disappearing into
the city.
"Okay, Got.ham, what have you got?" asked Karmic Death to the
air, the last one to leave.
"... but he wouldn't accept a check. I ask you, what kind of
restaurants don't accept checks. It's been a long time in my life since
I had to put up with something like that. There just isn't the same
camaraderie as there used to be..."
... more or less.
_-~-_
Mouse sighed and lay back in her so-called 'reclining' seat. It was a
long flight back to Net.ropolis, and the screaming child in the seat
behind her was making it even longer. Why me? she silently demanded. The
universe, as usual, declined to reply. Mouse took this the way she
always took such denials. As blanket permission to do whatever the heck
she wanted to do. She stood up and turned around, smiling at the
screaming four year old.
"DON'WANNA SLEEP! DON'WANNA SLEEP! WANNA COKE! WANNA
MCDONALDS!!!!!"
"Now now Sarah," the childs mother pathetically tried to pacify
her. "Hush, you might bother the other passengers."
Mouse's smile turned into a grimace. "Excuse me," she said,
exuding sympathy and politeness through her pores. "Do you suppose you
could keep the noise down?"
The child violently kicked Mouse's seat for the third time.
Mentally, Mouse pulled off the kid gloves and replaced them with
spike-covered gauntlets.
"WANNA MCDONALDS!" screamed the child.
"No you don't!" Mouse snapped. "You want a nice nap."
"NO!" the child stared at Mouse defiantly. "WANNA MCDONALDS!!!"
"McDonalds is bad for you." Mouse stared at the child.
*McDonalds are NOT your friends* her subliminals blared. People had
always told her that children were less susceptible to subliminals than
adults. Mouse had always found that anyone was susceptible, given the
right hook. And thanks to McD's agressive advertising and brainwashing,
this child was about to find out the true subtle power of subliminals.
"What's _really_ good for you," Mouse said. "Is spinach,
lettuce, and brussel sprouts."
"EWWWWW!!! YUCK! DON'WANT!"
***OH YES YOU DO!!!! BRUSSEL SPROUTS BRUSSEL SPROUTS BRUSSEL
SPROUTS!!!!***
"Brussel sprouts." the child murmured quietly. "Brussel
sprouts." Mouse smiled at the relieved mother, and turned back.
"WAN' BRUSSEL SPROUTS!" the child screamed. Mouse hit her
forehead with her palm repeatedly. It didn't improve the situation.
Neither did the captain's announcement that they were having engine
trouble and this, added to the fog, meant that they would have to stop
at the Got.ham City airport for repairs, have a nice flight.
"Riiiight." said Mouse, wondering if good deeds were really all
they were cracked up to be. And if children's health was really all
_that_ important.
_-~-_
At the Net.ropolis airport, Writers Block Woman jumped up and down in
anticipation. "Just think," she said enthusiastically. "Mouse's plane
will be landing in forty minutes! In just forty minutes I'll see my baby
again!"
Plotline Lad and GirlWatcher exchanged glances.
*Baby??!* (They'd gotten pretty good at the mutual exchanging of
thoughts thing by this time.)
"I just can't wait!" WBW shouted, throwing her arms into the
air. "It's been so long! Check how long till the plane arrives," she
ordered the two men, as she sat down. "Check check check!!!!"
With a sigh, GirlWatcher went over to the enquiries terminal.
For the 42nd time. This time however, the answer was different.
"The plane's been delayed," he told WBW. "They've had to land at
Got.ham for repairs."
"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!" wailed
WBW. She stood up. "I'll go meet her!" she decided.
"Ah," Plotline Lad butted in quickly. "Mouse is probably
jetlagged. She might be asleep. You wouldn't want to wake her up would
you?"
WBW considered this. "You're probably right." she sighed. She
sat down again. Then she looked up at the two men. "Why don't you two go
back to the HQ?" she suggested. "You both look exhausted, and we don't
know how long Mouse's plane will be."
"Ah, that's okay WBW," said GirlWatcher. "We'll wait with you."
"But you can't!" WBW wailed. "I thought we'd be getting back in
plenty of time so I didn't set the VCR for Beast Wars. Could you go and
tape it for me? Pleeeeeeeeeeeeease?"
Plotline Lad stood, "I'll go." He glared at GW, "Keep an eye on
her," he muttered.
GirlWatcher grinned, "No problem."
After Plotline Lad had left, Writers Block Woman settled back
into her chair. Ten minutes later, she sent GirlWatcher off to get them
something to eat. After he'd left, she turned to watch the news, which
was being broadcast onto the big screen in the airport.
"And this just in, a group of supervillains has escaped and gone
wild in Got.ham City!"
Writers Block Woman sat up abruptly.
"The police are helpless to stop this reign of terror, and no
heroes are available to stop these dastardly villains from laying waste
to the city as they please."
"NO!" Writers Block Woman sprang to her feet. "This cannot be! I
shall not allow this state of affairs to continue! For I am Writers
Block Woman! A hero and a lady. And I am sworn to protect all from evil,
whether it be animal, vegetable, mineral or some weird component from
the planet Zorg! To Got.ham City!"
So speaking, she launched herself out of a window, and into the
air, disrupting a 747 that was trying to land.
*Hmmm...* she thought. *Got.ham City, why does that name sound
familiar?* Then she shrugged, there were more important things to think
about, like... which way _was_ Got.ham City? WBW pondered this mystery
as she flew.
_-~-_
"Writers Block Woman? WBW? I've got the burgers. WBW? Oh shit."
_-~-_
Karmic Death walked over the roofs of Got.ham City. They were more alive
than the dreary street. Contained more promise. More prey.
His eyes alighted on a group of thugs positioned over a
skylight, preparing to break in. Yes, they would do. Carefully, he took
off his gloves.
"Hey, be careful with that," hissed one thug. "We only got the
one cutter."
"I know what I'm doing, so just keep quiet."
There was a moment's silence of intense concentration and work.
"Gentlemen, how are your souls this evening?"
The thugs looked up in irritation, one already bringing up a
lead pipe.
"They say I'm like Santa Claus," said Karmic Death, a tight
smile on his face. "I know who's been naughty and who's been nice. But I
don't need to check it twice."
The thug with the pipe growled, then swung. And found his arm
caught in Karmic Death's grip. Karmic's hand moved towards the thug's.
"Let's see which one you are."
Their hands contacted.
The thug twitched violently, not falling down only because
Karmic Death was holding him up. A beautific look of pleasure stole over
his features, then Karmic Death let him drop to the ground.
"And so, justice is sweet."
The others had paused in shock, then they moved as one. Two
grabbed him, but they immediate collapsed, both smiling.
One hesitated nervously, then lashed out clumsily. Karmic Death
caught the fist easily. The thug gasped in sudden pain, then he too
dropped like the others.
"Oh, an innocent. It's always a shame to see them go. Still, we
can't last forever."
Karmic Death brought his gaze up to the last thug, and saw a gun
pointed at him, shaking in the thug's hand.
"Hey, hey guys, get up," he said, prodding of the the bodies
with his foot.
"They are quite dead, let me assure you," said Karmic Death,
replacing his gloves. "No one survives my brand of justice. It's the
kindest cut of all."
The thug gaped at Karmic. "Who...who are you?"
Karmic Death looked at the thug straight in the eyes. "I'm
Karmic Death."
The thug started backing away.
"Tell the rest of this downtrodden city that I am here to save
you all. When you die it will be as a complete, balanced being. What
more could you want?"
"You're crazy," said the thug, then fired once, twice.
His mouth dropped open as Karmic Death, though he had been
knocked back slightly, remained standing. In sheer terror, he turned and
fled, the gun falling from his nerveless fingers.
"Crazy? Is it crazy to wear kevlar? You never know who might be
out there."
Pleased with himself, Karmic Death continued on his way.
_-~-_
Bertie half climbed, half fell down the ladder, his heart in his chest.
One guy... one guy had taken care of all his friends. How was that
possible?
He leant against the brick, getting his breath back. He had to
get out of here.
There was a quiet *snick*, then Bertie felt cold metal touch his
throat. Faint pressure indicated that he should turn around, and he
slowly did.
"Tell me, where's a ninja supposed to go to get a drink on a
night like this?"
Bertie's wide open eyes took in the black outfit,
all-concealing,
and the hood that masked the head. No, it couldn't be. He'd heard
rumours, but that's all they were. A black presence striking in the dark
of night....
But what was the Ultimate Ninja doing in Got.ham City?
"Wha? Who? Wha?" Bertie gabbled.
"I prefer to be called Ninja-san," Ninja-san said. Bertie felt
his body sag. This wasn't him. However, relaxing just brought the sword
at his throat into sharper focus.
"Baaa?" asked Bertie.
Ninja-san sighed. "Okay, so I'm new here. But if I have to ask,
I may as well be sure I'm going to get information." The blade twitched
slightly, Bertie twitching in sympathy. "What I really want to know
is...."
Ninja-san leant forward. Bertie tried to lean back, but the wall
behind him unforgivingly refused to move. Ninja-san's eyes filled
Bertie's vision. "What monuments to him do you have?"
"Wha? Who?"
"The Ultimate Ninja." Bertie flinched reflexively at the name.
"All pay homage to him. What does Got.ham offer?"
Bertie's mind ran. Was this guy serious? However, serious or
not, he did have a sword at Bertie's neck.
"The... the Got.ham Museum. The... there's a pair of his
nun-chucks on display." Actually, the UN had dropped them while in a
fight in Got.ham, and didn't need them again, but it impressed the
natives. Like Bertie.
"Really? This sounds like something I must possess. In return, I
won't kill you. Aren't I nice?"
Bertie nodded. Carefully. He closed his eyes, wishing this
person would just go away.
When he opened them again, he was alone.
_-~-_
"Come on, Commissioner. Ya have ta do it."
"I know. That doesn't mean I have to like it," Commissioner
Hamilton. He peered out over the city, or what he could see of it in the
fog. "They're out there. Somewhere. And there's nothing we can do about
it."
Chief Repp stayed silent for a moment, then pressed the point.
"Do I send the signal, sir?"
"I refuse to have superheroes crawling over this city! It's a
pity Acton Lord showed up and we had to repeal those anti-superhero
laws.
Unfortunately, at times like this, we have little choice. Light the
lamp."
Chief Repp nodded, and pulled a large lever. Through the fog,
Commissioner Hamilton saw a powerful beam of light glow eeriely.
"It is easier than phoning 'em, sir."
"Like moths to a flame, that damn light always brings
superheroes in," Hamilton commented. "Who knows what crackpot we'll get
this time?"
_-~-_
Mouse looked up at the bright light shining in the sky. "What is that?"
she asked out loud. "A really big moth trap? Or is there some nightclub
opening up tonight?" She shrugged and turned back to watching the events
unfold at the airport. There were an awful lot of heavily armed
uniformed people standing around. They looked extremely twitchy. Mouse
noted that all of the safeties on their weapons were switched to off and
decided to sit perfectly still and keep her voice down. An
airport-employee walked over to the group of people from her flight.
"Hello everyone! I'm Susie Grimsdell, from Net.Zealand Airways.
I'm afraid there's been an incident here, and so your flight will be
delayed overnight."
Mass groaning from all the other passengers. Mouse observed the
security people surrounding them.
"These people are... attached to airport security." said Susie.
"If you'll just follow them, they'll take you to the airport hotel,
where you will be put up for the night at our expense. We apologise
sincerely for the delay."
The 'security' people started directing everyone to a bus. Mouse
wandered up close to one and said casually, "So, since when are the
Net.ional Guard connected to Got.ham airport security?"
The guard looked at her narrowly, "I'm afraid I can't answer
that question ma'am."
"Oh, well, that's okay. It's probably related to that big empty
plane out on the tarmac with all the guards and dead bodies around it
anyway."
The guard pursed his lips shut and motioned for her to move back
in with the rest of the crowd.
"Yeah, that's what I thought." Mouse considered her options.
One, go to the hotel, have a nice relaxing shower, a meal, glass of wine
and good nights sleep. Two, go out in foul weather in an unfamiliar city
and snoop around trying to find out what or who had gotten a lot of
people dead and brought out one of the more heavily armed forces in this
country. Hmmm...decisions decisions.
"I _hate_ being a hero." Mouse muttered to herself. She walked
around the bus to the door, got on, walked down the aisle and got off
through the exit at the middle. Noone noticed as the ordinary looking
young woman sauntered off down the street.
*This must be what it feels like to be Easy-Going Lad,* thought
Mouse, suppressing a grin. *Now, destination.*
_-~-_
Writers Block Woman flew like an arrow through the sky, searching for
Got.ham City.
"Rats," she said out loud. "Maybe I should have picked up a
map!" She paused in midair and turned full around. "If only I had a
sign, or a clue!"
At that moment, a bright beacon lit up the sky ahead of her.
Writers Block Woman stared at it in awe. Then she smiled.
"Ho," she said. "It's the Block-signal! Someone needs my help!"
She flew towards the signal.
<<SPLASH PAGE>>
Hovering full in the centre of the spotlight beam is Writers
Block Woman! The light glints off her costume and her hair and cape
billow in the wind. Behind her the light casts her shadow onto a white
cloud.
"Ack!" yelled WBW. "I'm blind!" She covered her eyes against the
bright light and floated down to its source, a lamp on top of a
building.
"That was quick." said a male voice behind her. "We only lit
that thing half an hour ago."
"Grrr..." replied another voice. Writers Block Woman blinked the
spots out of her vision and turned to face the two men standing behind
her. "Who are you?"
"I'm Commissioner Hamilton," said the man who had growled
previously. "This is Chief Repp. And you are?"
"I am Writers Block Woman! A hero and a lady! And also a rich
international frivolous-type person in my alter-identity. What need have
you of me?"
"You heard about our problems?" the Commissioner asked.
"Yes! You have a plane-load of criminals on the rampage."
replied Writers Block Woman. "How is that situation by the way?"
"Well," replied Chief Repp. "We've recaptured quite a few of
them, more have hidden away and will doubtlessly turn up in the sequels,
but we've got a couple of particularly rotten apples still on the loose.
Worst of the lot is Ninja-san, he's probably the one who started this
whole mess. He's an excellent fighter, sneaky, deadly, and worst of all,
moderately-intelligent."
"Ninja-san." mused Writers Block Woman, "The name isn't
familiar, and I don't think I've heard any stories about him."
"Try logging into http://www.eyrie.org/~thad/blip/ sometime,"
suggested the Commissioner. "All that we know about him is that he's a
great martial-artist, has all your basic ninja skills, and is totally
obsessed with Ultimate Ninja."
"Aha!" cried Writers Block Woman. "Well, do you have anything of
UN's in the city?"
"Ummmm..." said the Commisisoner.
"There's a couple of his nun-chuks in the museum," offered the
Chief. "Saw them last week when I took the kids there."
"Right," said WBW. "Then that's likely where he'll go. Where's
the museum?"
"It's that big gothic-looking building with gargoyles all over
the top of it." said the Chief, pointing to said building.
"Oooooh." said WBW. "Pretty! I'll go see, bye!"
She flew off. The two men looked at each other.
"Sir, I'm not so sure this was a good idea now."
"*Sigh* We're all doomed."
_-~-_
Mouse wandered around the streets. The fog was getting thicker, and she
shivered in the dampness, thinking fondly of a warm hotel room.
"*Sigh*" she said, and kept walking, searching for... well some
indication that all was not right. Explosions, screams, cries for help,
that sort of thing.
"AAAAAHHH!!!" on cue came a call from a nearby alley. "Help me
please!"
Mouse raced in. "What's wrong?" she yelled.
Someone grabbed her around the throat and slammed her into the
wall. "I've had a lousy night is what's wrong. First some creepy guy
kills my friends, then some psycho ninja-head interrogates me at the
point of a sword. I've decided it's time to move to a nicer climate, and
I need the contents of your wallet to do that. Now, I've really had a
terrible time, so hand over your wallet and watch and I won't hurt you."
said Bertie.
Mouse looked at her mugger and reached slowly for her wallet.
Bertie's eyes followed the movement, which was unfortunate, as it meant
he never saw her throw her _other_ arm up to break his grip on her
throat, grasp his shoulder and push. Taken by surprise by this movement,
his head snapped backwards as she shoved him, which meant that he also
missed the hand that had been reaching for her wallet turn into a fist
and slam hard into his stomach. He did feel the results of these actions
though. He also noticed the results of the stomp on his toes, the
sweeping kick that knocked him off his feet and the following stomp on
his fingers.
Mouse stood on his fingers hard. "My friend, your problems are
just beginning. Now, what's this about a psycho who killed your
friends?"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
NEXT TIME: Mouse meets the psycho, and Writers Block Woman meets the
ninja. Joy.
Credits:
--------
Writers Block Woman and Mouse are Jaelle's. Karmic Death and Ninja-san
are Jamas's.
Odd Kahn belongs to Ben Rawluk, Pointless Death Man belongs to Jeff
Barnes, the Injoker and Dr. Boring belong to Public Domain, Girlwatcher
belongs to Chris Gumprich, Plotline Lad belongs to Aaron Veenstra, all
used with permission.
All others were created by either Jamas or Jaelle as needed.
Jamas's notes:
This started as a project I suggested a long time ago, which means all
the plotting for the story is mine. Fortunately, Jess wrote all the
funny bits, so it wasn't a hopeless cause. It was intended that I write
the parts involving Karmic Death and Ninja-san, Jess write the parts
with Writers Block Woman and Mouse, being kinda link RPGing, and we swap
back and forth as necessary.
Ha. That didn't last into issue two. (Although we didn't have
issue parts then.) And, as time drew on, we didn't have the luxury to do
something like that, so we divvied up and wrote one of the others
characters, ending in issue three with each writing all of them.
The best laid plans and all that.
Still, it was damn enjoyable.
A note on Commissioner Hamilton and Chief Repp. In Adam West's Batman,
Neil Hamilton played Commissioner Gordan and Stafford Repp played Chief
O'Hara, so that explains their names.
Back to the Index.