Culinary Disasters Five By Campbell March Bladed Lad admired himself in mirror... he adjusted his jacket so it sat just right, muddled with his hair a little, and smiled. "Lookin' sharp," he told his reflection, "Let's hit the town." As he stepped out into the corridor, he bumped into Fan.Boy, who was just coming out of Guitar Man's room. "Heya, big F, what's up?" "Just feeding Guitar Man's goldfish," replied Fan.Boy. "Where're you off to?" "Just meeting some friends in town, going out on the booze tonight." "Um. You are aware you're rostered to cook tonight?" "I'm what?" "Rostered. Y'know, remember how I cooked before?" Bladed Lad nodded, trying to hide his shudder. "Well, it's your turn to do dinner tonight." "Just great. Hey, you haven't seen Guitar Man about, have you? He's been gone a while and he didn't say where he was off to." Fan.Boy looked worried for a sec, and then smiled. "Sure. He's hanging around with a rather, well, influential friend for a while. I don't know where he's headed right now but I do know he played a short gig at a really unique nightclub, and he was very well received." "Oh well. I guess as long as he's happy. See ya." Bladed Lad fumed off towards the kitchen. --- "Hmmm..." muttered BL. "I can cook two things well." He peeked out through the slightly-opened door at the gathering masses of apprehensive LNH'ers. "...and toast won't cut it. It'll have to be omelettes." --- "Hello, MegaChicken's House of Eggs." "Hi, um, do you deliver?" "Sure do." "Could you have 60 eggs delivered to the LNH kitchen. Bill 'Ultimate Ninja, c/o LNH HQ.'" "Sure thing. I'll despatch the MegaEggTruck right away, expect them in the next 20 minutes." "Thanks." --- "Porky Pete's Pig Emporium." "Do you deliver?" "Yup." "5kg of Bacon to the LNH Kitchen, ASAP. Please bill the Ultimate Ninja." "Kilowhat?" "Kilograms. Um. 2.2 pounds to the kilo." "Thanks." --- "Cheesy Chris' Cheese Shop and Pet Supplies... 2kg of Grated cheese? Certainly, sir. Delivered, no problem. Who shall I bill... OK, fine, it'll be there soon." --- "Honest Omar's Used Camel Emporium, Abdul speaking. May I interest you in a low mileage camel? We have a nice two-humper just come in that was used by a little old lady on Sundays to wage jihad, going cheap." "Sorry, wrong number." --- Bladed Lad worked fast. The eggs had arrived first and his recipe, which was given to him by his mother, required the separation of the yolks and the whites. He started doing this as fast as possible, until he had two pots filled 1/4 full of each. He plugged in the eggbeater, and turned it on. It whirred up to speed, and didn't stop speeding up. Bladed Lad jumped for the power switch but it exploded before he would release it. The beaters, spinning frantically, drilled through the kitchen wall. A short set of screams came from the next room, but Bladed Lad decided it was wiser not to investigate. He looked around for a replacement beater, but couldn't find one ... so... --- Out in the cafetaria, New-Look lass struggled with a beater that had managed to wind almost her entire hair around it. "Ow, don't pull that way, unroll it like... ow! That's my HAIR! Are you trying to pull it all out, or just stretch it?" "Yes," said Ambiguity Lass. "Sorry." A whirring started up in the kitchen, then the sounds of someone mixing. "Wait," said Cannon Fodder, "if the eggbeaters are in here, what's he mixing with?" None of the heroes in the room ran to the kitchen to see. In fact, the only response was a mumbled "Pernickity eggbeaters, mmmm, we had real eggbeaters back in the good old days. None of this high-velocity exploding hoo-hah" ... so he made his way carefully to the door... Inside, Bladed Lad hummed as he fluffed the whites with his fists, blades whirling. Cannon Fodder pulled his head back. --- "Dice the bacon, of course," muttered Bladed Lad. "But it needs to go in now, oh, I never get the timing right. Hmmm." He threw the package of bacon in the air and punched it swiftly, showering bacon pieces around the room. --- In the cafetaria, the LNH'ers had gathered around the door, pushing for a look, but Cannon Fodder had his back to the door and was holding it shut. "Move on, there's nothing to see," he said. There was a splattering noise from behind the door and several chunks of bacon flew out the holes made by the eggbeater and settled on the floor. The crowd of heroes surged, but he managed to hold them back. --- Bladed lad opened the cheese. "Aw, no. I distinctly recall asking for grated cheese. Oh, well." He hefted the cheese, and threw it in the air... --- Cheese pattered on the floor, burying the bacon bits. Time passed. --- Bladed Lad extracted his creation from the oven. It was perfect. He hefted it, and set the pan on the table. Steam wafted from the omelette and the smell of just-cooked bacon wafted through the kitchen. He went to rub his hands on his jeans, then realised that he was wearing his best pair. (Somehow, through all the other mess, Bladed Lad's outfit has remained immaculate) He hunted for a cloth to wipe his hands on, but none was evident. He was just starting a cupboard-hunt for paper towels when the door banged open and a piece of cloth started to sprint across the floor. Bladed Lad frowned, and scooped it up as it skittered past his feet. He wiped his hands on it, and suddenly it made a leap for his mouth. "Mmmmphm Mpphm Mmmmmph," said Bladed Lad, and snatched it away, throwing it back to the floor. It hit the ground running, and vanished from the room. Bladed Lad shrugged, and turned his attention to the omelette. He divided it up into decent serving sizes and put it on plates. --- The door to the kitchen from the cafetaria banged open and Bladed Lad entered, bearing two large plates piled with steaming omelette. The LNHers quickly grabbed a portion each, but those knowledgable in the field of group dynamics will note that despite each hero having a piece, no-one has actually _eaten_ any of it yet. This is probably because Bladed Lad hasn't actually got a piece. "Aren't _you_ going to have some," said Figment Lad, just when everyone was thinking 'No-one mention that BL hasn't got any.' "Nope," replied Bladed Lad. "I'm allergic to dairy products." He vanished in a cloud of ballistic omelette. Only one piece remained unthrown. "Ummm, this is good," said Fan.Boy, around a mouthful. "I'm a real fan of this omelette." --- Bladed Lad is copyright me, Sasquatch. Fan.Boy used with permission. I think the rest are public domain, 'pologies if they aren't :-)Back to the Index.