Limp-Asparagus Lad #12 Rescue Mission Written by Saxon Brenton --------------------------------------------------------------------- Cover shows Limp-Asparagus Lad and Lipid-Artery Lad in a brawl with two supervillains. One of them is Splashpage, the other is an unknown man. --------------------------------------------------------------------- Subplot Lad materialised back at the Legion of Net.Heroes HQ. DamnDamnDamn. Sometimes he _really_ hated these powers; the others had definitely gotten the better of the deal, especially Jamie... He pushed his mind away from thoughts like that. Envy would accomplish nothing. He had to find a net.hero or dozen who could take off after Chris. Fortunately, there was a rather obvious answer to who he _should_ get. Chris was Exclamation!Master!'s son, and E!M! was currently Limp-Asparagus Lad's archfoe. He should check to make sure that was the right choice though... He closed his eyes and centred his mind. Then he reached out with his thoughts to feel the shape and flavour of the surrounding storylines. Subplot Lad wasn't particularly good at this. His particular manifestation of the power centred on subplots, but there was enough overlap from the demesnes of his brothers to let him get a brief taste of the nearby non-subplot threads. Unbridled lunacy from _Easily-Discovered Man_, _Writers Block Woman (and Mouse)_, _Refugees of Net.ropolis_... The lingering taint of angst from _Decibel Dude and Vigilante Guy_... And from _Legion of Occult Heroes_ a miasma of angst so thick it verged on blocking out all other sensations like a fog. Melodrama, lyricism, action adventure, hard-working continuity... The empty, anticipatory void of _Ultimate Ninja_... Yes, yes, yes. But was he in _Limp-Asparagus Lad_? Crud. It was almost impossible to tell what title one was currently in by this method. You could hardly see the wood for the trees. Then, ever so faintly, SLad found the sensation of he had been looking for. He smiled. Okay, good guess. Now all he had to do was find the net.hero himself. Fortunately, that should prove much easier. He tapped his LNH comm.thingee. "Computer, locate Limp-Asparagus Lad." Elsewhere in the LNHQ, three men in spandex stood as if frozen in time. Then a fourth stepped into view. "I am Kid Recap - doomed never to participate, but only to summarise what has gone before. "Last issue, this man," and Kid Recap indicated one of the unmoving trio, "Arrived in the headquarters of the Legion of Net.Heroes. He is Lipid-Artery Lad, of the extradimensional Oddball Legion, and he had come to talk with his analogue in the mainstream Looniverse:" KidR now pointed to the second person, "Limp-Asparagus Lad. Also in attendance in a guest starring role is Fan.Boy," he gestured to the third figure. "In part Fan.Boy is present in lieu of Footnote Girl, who is still recovering from her exertions in #10 and thus was unavailable to footnote the huge amounts of detail that absolutely wallowed in established continuity that were required for last issue. However, though he realises it not, Fan.Boy's appearance is also subtly setting the stage for an upcoming crossover; but this is the province of the future rather than the past and is thus something upon which I will not - nay, cannot - speak more of. "After explaining himself, Lipid-Artery Lad put to his counterpart a question. Let us now backtrack a minute so that it may be repeated for the benefit of the audience..." And with that Kid Recap stepped off to the side and out of panel, and the three others began to move again, as if there had been no interruption. "So that's the situation," Lipid-Artery Lad concluded. "Now, if you don't want me around, then just say so, an' I'll take off and won't come back. But - for the sake of my world - _please_ Limpy, I'd like to be a member of your supporting cast." Lipid's counterpart stood in a po-faced stance that the Oddballer couldn't read. It was impossible to tell what he was thinking, either from that expressionless face or that void of body language. .oO(Doesn't he ever get cramps from standing in one position for so long?) he wondered. (Or at least pins and needles?) "Very well," the other agreed simply. "You'll need authorisation from Ultimate Ninja if you wish to be able to move around the LNHHQ but that is the only major difficulty I foresee." As simple as that? Lipid felt weak at the knees. He opened his mouth to say his thanks, and choked. He swallowed, and then had to fight back the tears he could feel coming on. "Thanks, Limpy," he finally managed. "Thanks, I... This means a lot to me." Limp-Asparagus Lad nodded, his face unreadable (big surprise there). Fan.Boy was grinning, and threw a glance at him. "You're just a big softie, aren't you?" The One Who Has Raised Tedium To An Art Form turned his enigmatic gaze to That Skinny Little Annoying Dude From New Zealand. "Not all of the actions we take to save lives are glamorous ones that make it onto the news, or dramatic ones where the threat is immediate and can be solved by defeating a villain in a fight scene," he countered. Fan.Boy just grinned wider. "You know, you sound just like a mystic Zen master when you say that. Well, I'll leave you to fill out forms for UN. See ya." Then he wandered off to find someone else to express his appreciation of (or possibly express his appreciation at). Still somewhat bemused, Lipid watched him go. And then Subplot Lad finally found them both. "Limpy. Geez man, I've been looking all over for you." "What is wrong, Subplot Lad?" "I was just with Chris Melwizcht..." "That is Exclamation!Master!'s son, is it not?" "Yeah. Anyway, he was looking for his Dad, but I managed to talk him out of it, I think. But then this Evil babe turned up claiming E!Master! wanted to see him, and I got shunted back here." "Do you have any idea where she took him?" Subplot Lad grinned. "You bet. I managed to throw one of my homing bugs on him as I was fading out. All you need to do is track it." Limp-Asparagus Lad turned to his analogue. "Do you want to help with this?" "Oh yes," he replied, cracking his knuckles. "A little tussle with that bastard would do nicely." "There are more important things at stake here than revenge," L-ALad observed. "It'll do 'till something else comes along." Limp-Asparagus Lad began to wonder if he would regret his decision to allow his excitable counterpart to stick around. A while later Limp-Asparagus Lad and his analogue had located the position of Chris, or at least of the homer, with the aid of the LNHQ's ultra-sophisticated computers, tracking systems, and other pieces of state-of-the-art, whiz bang, comic book-style technology. Renegade Programmer had also been very helpful, especially after Lipid had given the portly computer wiz some of his chocolate bars. "How many of those do you keep on yourself?" L-ALad asked the Oddballer as they stepped up onto the transporter pad. He was only now beginning to appreciate the amount of junk food the other had on himself. "Enough," Lipid replied. "I need it for my powers, after all..." "Energising now," said Renegade Programmer between mouthfuls. "...And besides, you never know when you'll need Unhealthy Snacks(tm) to ward off purple dinosaurs," Lipid finished as the pair of them vanished in the shimmer of the transporter's special effects. "Well, here we are then," said Lipid, spinning around on his heel as soon as they had rematerialised. "Usual sort of supervillain base decor." He grinned, "Now what?" "We find Chris," L-ALad replied, activating his scan.thingee. "And no fight scene, right?" "Not if we can help it." Lipid-Artery Lad nodded. "I was afraid you were going to say that." Limp-Asparagus Lad gave him an enquiring glance. "Are you always this hyperactive?" "Of course. Comes from the amount of sugar and caffeine in my system," the other admitted off handedly. "An' being a fun-house mirror version of you adds to that, naturally." "You might want to consider doing something about that," L-ALad said as he turned back to the scan.thingee Lipid blinked. "Wha?" "You might want to consider being something other than just a parody of me," he explained patiently without looking up from his readings. "What, you're jealous of me being a copy of you?" Lipid asked incredulously. "Jealousy is an emotion," Limp-Asparagus Lad corrected him. "I mean that if you and your compatriots want to be real, then establishing identities for yourselves that are other than distortions of this universe's Legion would probably be a good place to start. Reality is not just about existing, it's about living. Gaining lives of your own may be one way to do that." "I dunno, that's a bit radical," Lipid said, sounding dubious. "I mean, the identities we have at the moment are about all we've got. If we just chucked them away..." "I do not mean an immediate disposal of everything. Rather, use what you are now as a base, and try to grow beyond it." "Oh. I see. Mmf. Well, maybe. But in all honesty Limpy, I don't like the chances. How many of your LNH actually get full blown character development? Aren't there some who're still ciphers?" "Yes." Lipid nodded. "Riiiiight. An' you honestly think that a bunch of putz parodies will be able to get proper coverage when there's characters in your group who're still crying out for character development?" "You have a point," his counterpart agreed. For some reason the indistinct image of Fuzzy had suddenly sprung to mind. "Nevertheless, you won't gain anything it you do not try. Moreover, I suspect that you already realise that. You would not be here if you didn't believe there was some hope towards that end." Lipid looked abashed. "Yeah, well... a bit," he admitted. "Not for every single member maybe. But, you know, for the team as a whole..." "Just do your best Lipid. I have faith in you." If anything, that only made Lipid look more embarrassed. Then his mercurial mood swung back in another direction. Suddenly decisive and all business, he said, "Well, let's find this guy." "This way," L-ALad pointed. They snuck through the building following the readings on the scan.thingee. Lipid had to put in extra effort in order to do so, since he was temperamentally unsuited for sneaking. Nevertheless, he managed, which L-ALad noted with calm approval. They were nearing their objective when someone said, in large dramatic lettering, "That's far enough boys!" Then, stepping out of the shadows in a double page turned-on-it's-side centrefold spread was... Splashpage! The artist had clearly gone to a lot of trouble to render her more than ample figure and had probably skimped on the artwork for the rest of the issue. Splashpage's long raven tresses caressed her shoulders. Her icy green eyes surveyed the pair of heroes with a cold disdain that clearly indicated that she expected them to drop to their knees and worship the ground she walked on. And her scanty costume accentuated her attributes yet at the same time contrived to be top-class body armour so that not so much as one eyelash or fingernail would be out of place should she be caught in one of those _icky_ fight scenes where the surrounding terrain would inevitably be reduced to rubble. The word 'cheesecake' comes to mind. Lipid-Artery Lad drooled. He liked cheesecake. Of all types. Limp-Asparagus Lad didn't seem particularly impressed though. Then Splashpage made a most unexpected attack. She grabbed Limp-Asparagus Lad in a clinging embrace and kissed him passionately - even slipping her tongue in (Eww, what will Mary Ann say when she finds out?). Lipid-Artery Lad boggled at this, feeling a brief stab of jealousy that she should be wasting herself on such a cold fish. A man with an even halfway active libido would have responded to that embrace. A man with a more than active libido, say, Master Blaster, would probably have gotten in a bit of pawing as well before being slapped across the face and - possibly - kneed in the groin. But this was Limp-Asparagus Lad, so he just stood there like a wooden post. There is a reason for this. In fact, there's even an explanation for the reason, but that will have to wait for future stories. Suffice it to say that Limp-Asparagus Lad doesn't have a libido at the moment, active or otherwise. Then in one quick move Limp-Asparagus Lad grabbed ahold of one of her arms and spun her about, pinning the arm behind her back. She snarled and broke free in an extremely improbable but spectacular- looking and well-drawn martial arts manoeuvre that let her do a somersault leap combined with a kick to his chin that would have taken his head off if he hadn't already 'gone limp' and absorbed the impact of the blow. Lipid-Artery Lad's face grew set with anger. He whipped out a chocolate bar and, pausing only long enough to get it out of its wrapper, scoffed it down in two messy bites. As the sugar rush took effect he flexed his muscles (He does have them you know. You just can't see them under all his fat, is all) and with his bare hands tore a chunk out of the wall for use as a missile weapon. He felt much happier now. You knew where you stood with a good fight scene. "No way, punk. You've gotta deal with me first!" called a voice. Lipid turned to behold a huge young man who seemed to be made of solid muscle. He had a severe blond crewcut and was fully garbed in black biker leathers. "An' who're you?" "Butt Kickin' Guy. Remember it," he snarled and landed a punch that would have shattered concrete. Lipid went flying by the force of the impact, but wasn't particularly hurt. BKGuy was similarly unhurt, but was surprised by how much his fist smarted. Lipid might look fat and soft, but he had the ability to turn himself as hard as a clogged artery. As Lipid rose, royally p*ssed, the villain moved in for another shot. As those latter two brawlers met in their battle of strength, Splashpage was finding that subduing Limp-Asparagus Lad was harder than she had anticipated. No matter what dramatic lighting effects she tried, nor cheesecake poses she struck, nor flashy fighting manoeuvres she pulled on him , he never seemed to become overawed by them. She was still confident that eventually she would be able to outmanoeuvre him, but the prospect of an extended battle quite frankly bored her. She craved a quick victory. So, since her spectacular style wasn't going to gain her the edge she wanted to end the fight quickly, she decided to try another form of attack. Flinging her arms wide, she surrounded herself with a splashpage. Her hair billowed out behind her, her hands were wreathed in Kirbycrackle, and energy discharges and speed lines rushed away from her body. Then, she unleashed her most fearsome power: Limp-Asparagus Lad and Lipid-Artery Lad vanished. Two pages of paper fell to the ground where the heroes had been. Upon them both were printed pictures and text. Even a casual glance by someone with the right comic book knowledge would reveal them to be pages from The Official Handbook of the Looniverse. This august publication most closely resembles The Official Handbook of the Marvel Universe (Second volume, naturally. Not the crappy third volume which was just a pile of fighting stats - bleah!) albeit with elements of Who's Who and other similar books added as appropriate. One of the sheets read: LIMP-ASPARAGUS LAD Real name: Joshua Daniel Asimov Occupation: Net.hero Type: Writer Character Status: Active in the LNH Identity: Secret Legal status: Loonited States citizen with no criminal record Former Aliases: Dark Limp-Asparagus Lad Place of birth: Min.net.apolis, Min.net.sota Marital status: Single Known relatives: Unnamed parents (deceased), Henry Dale (godfather), Emily Dale (godmother), Joseph 'Joe' Forsythe (cousin), Group Affiliation: Legion of Net.Heroes; former operative of W.I.R.E.D. Base of Operations: Net.ropolis First archived appearance: _Coma Kid and Continuity Champ Junior: The Limited Series_ #2-3 Height: 1.7 m Weight: 65 kg Eyes: Grey Hair: Hair-coloured History: When he was five Joshua's parents were killed in a plane crash off the Florida coast. The young Joshua was raised by his godparents on their farm just outside of A Town You've Probably Never Heard Of, Io.wa. When he turned 18 he enrolled in Dave Thomas Deluxe University in Net.ropolis, and joined the Legion of Net.Heroes to make good use of his mutant powers. During his early period in the LNH his only appearance was as an example in the FAQ of how a Writer Character could be created by new Writers wanting to join the Looniverse, although he himself had no Writer at the time. His activities during this time are unrecorded, although it has been speculated that he was, by default, the only WC active during the Looniverse Adrift saga. Seeking to increase his profile, he fell afoul of a plan by W.I.R.E.D. (We Intend Rule and Eternal Domination) to recruit a super powered operative. He was sent a letter offering him the chance to have a darker personality that would be more interesting to the fanboy market. In actuality the new personality, while indeed being darker, involved being brainwashed into the villainous Dark Limp-Asparagus Lad. Fortunately he was rescued by Coma Kid and Continuity Champ Jr., and reprogrammed back to normal during a session with Special Bonding Boy. Shortly thereafter he was lucky enough to gain a Writer silly enough to want to write somebody with no personality, and starred in a six issue limited series. During this time his future cousin Joe retconned himself into the Looniverse from rec.arts.comics.xbooks. Additionally, he also succeeded in briefly turning Bob Melwizcht from a life of crime as Exclamation!Master!. However, W.I.R.E.D. tried to gain both Limp-Asparagus Lad and Exclamation!Master! as operatives for the use of their opposing but complimentary powers, and the net.hero's efforts in rehabilitating Bob came to naught when Bob turned on him. The newly revitalised villain accused the hero of trying to lead him back into a life as a non-superbeing and eternal potential victim. He has since gained a regular series that has continued its numbering from where the limited series left off. Note: There is a significant discrepancy between the personality of Limp-Asparagus Lad prior to his appearance in his own series and afterwards. It has been speculated that this is a side-effect of an as yet undocumented adventure. Strength level: Limp-Asparagus Lad possess the strength of a man his age, size and weight who engages in intensive regular exercise. Known powers: Limp-Asparagus Lad is a mutant with two superhuman powers. The first is the ability to increase the elasticity of his skin so that the impact of many concussive attacks are absorbed with minimal damage. This process is referred to as 'going limp'. The threshold of what will or will not cause damage is undefined, but punches will not cause harm, while normal gunshots will cause bruising, and a bazooka will be near fatal impact. Limp-Asparagus Lad also possesses a psionically-based drama dampening field which is able to decrease or even abjure dramatic or melodramatic effects. This includes not just the reactions of living beings, but also the physical operation of dramatically-run universes (such as the Looniverse). The intensity of the field is variable and can be adjusted to stimulate anything from mild boredom to unconsciousness-causing mind-numbing tedium in living creatures. Similarly, the size of the field is variable, and can by conscious effort be reduced to affect Limp-Asparagus Lad alone, or increased to cover a radius of up to 0.8 kilometres. The drama dampening field is always active, but as a courtesy to others Limp-Asparagus Lad usually keeps it at a minimal area and intensity so that it only affects himself. It is this constantly active region of drama suppression that protects him from Mutant Angst(tm). Paraphernalia: Limp-Asparagus Lad usually carries a Legion of Net.Heroes comm.thingee and a standard issue scan.thingee on his person. As a member of the LNH he has access to various items of .thingee technology, as well anything else that the team's mad scientist types whip up. --------------------------------------------------------------------- Character Credits: Fan.Boy created by Jamas Enright Kid Recap created by Josh Geurink Renegade Programmer created by Josh Dinerstein, via wReam Limp-Asparagus Lad owned by Saxon Brenton, created by Mystic Mongoose (Robert Armstrong) and wReam (Ray Bingham) Butt Kickin' Guy, Lipid-Artery Lad, Splashpage, and Subplot Lad created by Saxon Brenton All characters copyright and tm their owners and/or creators --------------------------------------------------------------------- Adventures on the Letterspage #4 'Cannon Fodder' leapt at Letterspage Man, grabbing him about the throat with both hands, as if to throttle him. And though LPMan was far stronger than his attacker, he found himself unable to fend off the others' grip. He felt so very weak... "Fool!" cackled his assailant. "Now, you will perish at the hands of... DOORNAIL!" As he was being chocked to death by the imposer Cannon Fodder called Doornail, Letterspage Man barely managed to gasp a reply, and that was totally incoherent anyway. But it was probably intended to involve T.M. Maple, so that's all right. Watching from the shadows were two figures. "Hey, cool. The boss is being chocked to death by a villainous imposter of a net.hero," said Hoot, who was a big, strong, and not too bright fellow given to stating the obvious. "I wonder how long it will take him to croak?" speculated the small, blob-like Snob in his reedy, petulant voice. "Betcha he won't last more than two minutes," replied Hoot. "You're on." "Wondering why you feel so weak?" grinned the villain nastily. "That's easy. My wimpy little net.hero brother Cannon Fodder may be able to bring himself back to life on his own, but _I_ require the life force of others to jumpstart my resurrections. Even little bits stolen here and there at a distance and never noticed will do, but I used to be a tax group moderator - so I can drain you of your life force with my touch." Letterspage Man felt himself fading fast, but managed to note that Hoot and Snob were placing bets on how long he would take to die. "I _will_ have my revenge on all you net.heroes," continued Doornail. "Especially Godd for abandoning me after Those Obnoxious Post Brothers murdered me..." [A slightly distorted account of _The Origin of Cannon Fodder_ - Footnote Girl] "Wha...?" started Doornail at the sudden appearance of the footnote. LPMan took advantage of the momentary distraction to put the last of his energy into throwing off the vampiric villain, causing him to stumble backwards into the Mail Chute, and fall through the dimensions back to Looniearth. Letterspage Man stood up, glaring meaningful at the traitorous Hoot and Snob. The pair trembled as they contemplated yet another extended period of confinement in their glass cages as punishment. As LPMan marched them off, they passed an active computer screen, and this is what it said: Mail on Limp-Asparagus Lad #11 [from Ben Rawluk] Cool issue. Nice to see SOMEONE else remembers the LofH, and Limpy-B. - I could hardly forget Limpy-B; I had a small part in conspiring in is creation, after all :-) Anyway, I _try_ to remember most things that tie in with LNH continuity (which is probably why my brain is so mushy :-) so that I can make references to them when go wallowing in established continuity. --------------------------------------------------------------------- Character credits: Letterspage Man, Hoot and Snob created by Saxon Brenton Cannon Fodder is Public Domain, reserved by Spectre (Patrick Gearman) Doornail (as Cannon Fodder) originally created (by accident) by wReam (Ray Bingham) Bobb Fodder (as Cannon Fodder's brother) created by Dvandom (Dave van Domelon) All characters copyright and tm their owners and/or creatorsBack to the Index.