Blue Light Productions presents

Limp-Asparagus Lad #12     Rescue Mission
Written by Saxon Brenton
Cover shows Limp-Asparagus Lad and Lipid-Artery Lad in a brawl
with two supervillains. One of them is Splashpage, the other is an
unknown man.

  Subplot Lad materialised back at the Legion of Net.Heroes HQ.
DamnDamnDamn. Sometimes he _really_ hated these powers; the others
had definitely gotten the better of the deal, especially Jamie...
  He pushed his mind away from thoughts like that. Envy would
accomplish nothing. He had to find a net.hero or dozen who could take
off after Chris. Fortunately, there was a rather obvious answer to
who he _should_ get. Chris was Exclamation!Master!'s son, and E!M!
was currently Limp-Asparagus Lad's archfoe. He should check to make
sure that was the right choice though...
  He closed his eyes and centred his mind. Then he reached out with
his thoughts to feel the shape and flavour of the surrounding
  Subplot Lad wasn't particularly good at this. His particular
manifestation of the power centred on subplots, but there was enough
overlap from the demesnes of his brothers to let him get a brief
taste of the nearby non-subplot threads. Unbridled lunacy from
_Easily-Discovered Man_, _Writers Block Woman (and Mouse)_, _Refugees
of Net.ropolis_... The lingering taint of angst from _Decibel Dude
and Vigilante Guy_... And from _Legion of Occult Heroes_ a miasma of
angst so thick it verged on blocking out all other sensations like a
  Melodrama, lyricism, action adventure, hard-working continuity...
  The empty, anticipatory void of _Ultimate Ninja_...
  Yes, yes, yes. But was he in _Limp-Asparagus Lad_? Crud. It was
almost impossible to tell what title one was currently in by this
method. You could hardly see the wood for the trees.
  Then, ever so faintly, SLad found the sensation of he had been
looking for.
  He smiled. Okay, good guess. Now all he had to do was find the
net.hero himself. Fortunately, that should prove much easier. He
tapped his LNH comm.thingee. "Computer, locate Limp-Asparagus Lad."

  Elsewhere in the LNHQ, three men in spandex stood as if frozen in
time. Then a fourth stepped into view.
  "I am Kid Recap - doomed never to participate, but only to
summarise what has gone before.
  "Last issue, this man," and Kid Recap indicated one of the unmoving
trio, "Arrived in the headquarters of the Legion of Net.Heroes. He is
Lipid-Artery Lad, of the extradimensional Oddball Legion, and he had
come to talk with his analogue in the mainstream Looniverse:" KidR
now pointed to the second person, "Limp-Asparagus Lad. Also in
attendance in a guest starring role is Fan.Boy," he gestured to the
third figure. "In part Fan.Boy is present in lieu of Footnote Girl,
who is still recovering from her exertions in #10 and thus was
unavailable to footnote the huge amounts of detail that absolutely
wallowed in established continuity that were required for last issue.
However, though he realises it not, Fan.Boy's appearance is also
subtly setting the stage for an upcoming crossover; but this is the
province of the future rather than the past and is thus something
upon which I will not - nay, cannot - speak more of.
  "After explaining himself, Lipid-Artery Lad put to his counterpart
a question. Let us now backtrack a minute so that it may be repeated
for the benefit of the audience..." And with that Kid Recap stepped
off to the side and out of panel, and the three others began to move
again, as if there had been no interruption.
  "So that's the situation," Lipid-Artery Lad concluded. "Now, if you
don't want me around, then just say so, an' I'll take off and won't
come back. But - for the sake of my world - _please_ Limpy, I'd like
to be a member of your supporting cast."
  Lipid's counterpart stood in a po-faced stance that the Oddballer
couldn't read. It was impossible to tell what he was thinking, either
from that expressionless face or that void of body language.
.oO(Doesn't he ever get cramps from standing in one position for so
long?) he wondered. (Or at least pins and needles?)
  "Very well," the other agreed simply. "You'll need authorisation
from Ultimate Ninja if you wish to be able to move around the LNHHQ
but that is the only major difficulty I foresee."
  As simple as that? Lipid felt weak at the knees. He opened his
mouth to say his thanks, and choked. He swallowed, and then had to
fight back the tears he could feel coming on. "Thanks, Limpy," he
finally managed. "Thanks, I... This means a lot to me."
  Limp-Asparagus Lad nodded, his face unreadable (big surprise there).
Fan.Boy was grinning, and threw a glance at him. "You're just a big
softie, aren't you?"
  The One Who Has Raised Tedium To An Art Form turned his enigmatic
gaze to That Skinny Little Annoying Dude From New Zealand. "Not all
of the actions we take to save lives are glamorous ones that make it
onto the news, or dramatic ones where the threat is immediate and can
be solved by defeating a villain in a fight scene," he countered.
  Fan.Boy just grinned wider. "You know, you sound just like a
mystic Zen master when you say that. Well, I'll leave you to fill out
forms for UN. See ya." Then he wandered off to find someone else to
express his appreciation of (or possibly express his appreciation at).
Still somewhat bemused, Lipid watched him go.
  And then Subplot Lad finally found them both. "Limpy. Geez man,
I've been looking all over for you."
  "What is wrong, Subplot Lad?"
  "I was just with Chris Melwizcht..."
  "That is Exclamation!Master!'s son, is it not?"
  "Yeah. Anyway, he was looking for his Dad, but I managed to talk
him out of it, I think. But then this Evil babe turned up claiming
E!Master! wanted to see him, and I got shunted back here."
  "Do you have any idea where she took him?"
  Subplot Lad grinned. "You bet. I managed to throw one of my homing
bugs on him as I was fading out. All you need to do is track it."
  Limp-Asparagus Lad turned to his analogue. "Do you want to help
with this?"
  "Oh yes," he replied, cracking his knuckles. "A little tussle with
that bastard would do nicely."
  "There are more important things at stake here than revenge,"
L-ALad observed.
  "It'll do 'till something else comes along."
  Limp-Asparagus Lad began to wonder if he would regret his decision
to allow his excitable counterpart to stick around.

  A while later Limp-Asparagus Lad and his analogue had located the
position of Chris, or at least of the homer, with the aid of the
LNHQ's ultra-sophisticated computers, tracking systems, and other
pieces of state-of-the-art, whiz bang, comic book-style technology.
Renegade Programmer had also been very helpful, especially after
Lipid had given the portly computer wiz some of his chocolate bars.
  "How many of those do you keep on yourself?" L-ALad asked the
Oddballer as they stepped up onto the transporter pad. He was only
now beginning to appreciate the amount of junk food the other had on
  "Enough," Lipid replied. "I need it for my powers, after all..."
  "Energising now," said Renegade Programmer between mouthfuls.
  "...And besides, you never know when you'll need Unhealthy
Snacks(tm) to ward off purple dinosaurs," Lipid finished as the pair
of them vanished in the shimmer of the transporter's special effects.
  "Well, here we are then," said Lipid, spinning around on his heel
as soon as they had rematerialised. "Usual sort of supervillain base
decor." He grinned, "Now what?"
  "We find Chris," L-ALad replied, activating his scan.thingee.
  "And no fight scene, right?"
  "Not if we can help it."
  Lipid-Artery Lad nodded. "I was afraid you were going to say that."
  Limp-Asparagus Lad gave him an enquiring glance. "Are you always
this hyperactive?"
  "Of course. Comes from the amount of sugar and caffeine in my
system," the other admitted off handedly. "An' being a fun-house
mirror version of you adds to that, naturally."
  "You might want to consider doing something about that," L-ALad
said as he turned back to the scan.thingee
  Lipid blinked. "Wha?"
  "You might want to consider being something other than just a
parody of me," he explained patiently without looking up from his
  "What, you're jealous of me being a copy of you?" Lipid asked
  "Jealousy is an emotion," Limp-Asparagus Lad corrected him. "I mean
that if you and your compatriots want to be real, then establishing
identities for yourselves that are other than distortions of this
universe's Legion would probably be a good place to start. Reality is
not just about existing, it's about living. Gaining lives of your own
may be one way to do that."
  "I dunno, that's a bit radical," Lipid said, sounding dubious. "I
mean, the identities we have at the moment are about all we've got.
If we just chucked them away..."
  "I do not mean an immediate disposal of everything. Rather, use
what you are now as a base, and try to grow beyond it."
  "Oh. I see. Mmf. Well, maybe. But in all honesty Limpy, I don't
like the chances. How many of your LNH actually get full blown
character development? Aren't there some who're still ciphers?"
  Lipid nodded. "Riiiiight. An' you honestly think that a bunch of
putz parodies will be able to get proper coverage when there's
characters in your group who're still crying out for character
  "You have a point," his counterpart agreed. For some reason the
indistinct image of Fuzzy had suddenly sprung to mind. "Nevertheless,
you won't gain anything it you do not try. Moreover, I suspect that
you already realise that. You would not be here if you didn't believe
there was some hope towards that end."
  Lipid looked abashed. "Yeah, well... a bit," he admitted. "Not for
every single member maybe. But, you know, for the team as a whole..."
  "Just do your best Lipid. I have faith in you."
  If anything, that only made Lipid look more embarrassed. Then his
mercurial mood swung back in another direction. Suddenly decisive and
all business, he said, "Well, let's find this guy."
  "This way," L-ALad pointed.
  They snuck through the building following the readings on the
scan.thingee. Lipid had to put in extra effort in order to do so,
since he was temperamentally unsuited for sneaking. Nevertheless,
he managed, which L-ALad noted with calm approval.
  They were nearing their objective when someone said, in large
dramatic lettering, "That's far enough boys!" Then, stepping out of
the shadows in a double page turned-on-it's-side centrefold spread
was... Splashpage!
  The artist had clearly gone to a lot of trouble to render her more
than ample figure and had probably skimped on the artwork for the
rest of the issue. Splashpage's long raven tresses caressed her
shoulders. Her icy green eyes surveyed the pair of heroes with a cold
disdain that clearly indicated that she expected them to drop to
their knees and worship the ground she walked on. And her scanty
costume accentuated her attributes yet at the same time contrived to
be top-class body armour so that not so much as one eyelash or
fingernail would be out of place should she be caught in one of those
_icky_ fight scenes where the surrounding terrain would inevitably be
reduced to rubble.
  The word 'cheesecake' comes to mind.
  Lipid-Artery Lad drooled. He liked cheesecake. Of all types.
  Limp-Asparagus Lad didn't seem particularly impressed though.
  Then Splashpage made a most unexpected attack. She grabbed
Limp-Asparagus Lad in a clinging embrace and kissed him passionately
- even slipping her tongue in (Eww, what will Mary Ann say when she
finds out?). Lipid-Artery Lad boggled at this, feeling a brief stab
of jealousy that she should be wasting herself on such a cold fish.
  A man with an even halfway active libido would have responded to
that embrace. A man with a more than active libido, say, Master
Blaster, would probably have gotten in a bit of pawing as well before
being slapped across the face and - possibly - kneed in the groin.
  But this was Limp-Asparagus Lad, so he just stood there like a
wooden post.
  There is a reason for this. In fact, there's even an explanation
for the reason, but that will have to wait for future stories.
Suffice it to say that Limp-Asparagus Lad doesn't have a libido at
the moment, active or otherwise.
  Then in one quick move Limp-Asparagus Lad grabbed ahold of one of
her arms and spun her about, pinning the arm behind her back. She
snarled and broke free in an extremely improbable but spectacular-
looking and well-drawn martial arts manoeuvre that let her do a
somersault leap combined with a kick to his chin that would have
taken his head off if he hadn't already 'gone limp' and absorbed the
impact of the blow.
  Lipid-Artery Lad's face grew set with anger. He whipped out a
chocolate bar and, pausing only long enough to get it out of its
wrapper, scoffed it down in two messy bites. As the sugar rush took
effect he flexed his muscles (He does have them you know. You just
can't see them under all his fat, is all) and with his bare hands
tore a chunk out of the wall for use as a missile weapon. He felt
much happier now. You knew where you stood with a good fight scene.
  "No way, punk. You've gotta deal with me first!" called a voice.
Lipid turned to behold a huge young man who seemed to be made of
solid muscle. He had a severe blond crewcut and was fully garbed in
black biker leathers.
  "An' who're you?"
  "Butt Kickin' Guy. Remember it," he snarled and landed a punch that
would have shattered concrete. Lipid went flying by the force of the
impact, but wasn't particularly hurt. BKGuy was similarly unhurt, but
was surprised by how much his fist smarted. Lipid might look fat and
soft, but he had the ability to turn himself as hard as a clogged
artery. As Lipid rose, royally p*ssed, the villain moved in for
another shot.
  As those latter two brawlers met in their battle of strength,
Splashpage was finding that subduing Limp-Asparagus Lad was harder
than she had anticipated. No matter what dramatic lighting effects
she tried, nor cheesecake poses she struck, nor flashy fighting
manoeuvres she pulled on him , he never seemed to become overawed by
them. She was still confident that eventually she would be able to
outmanoeuvre him, but the prospect of an extended battle quite
frankly bored her. She craved a quick victory. So, since her
spectacular style wasn't going to gain her the edge she wanted to end
the fight quickly, she decided to try another form of attack.
  Flinging her arms wide, she surrounded herself with a splashpage.
Her hair billowed out behind her, her hands were wreathed in
Kirbycrackle, and energy discharges and speed lines rushed away from
her body. Then, she unleashed her most fearsome power:
  Limp-Asparagus Lad and Lipid-Artery Lad vanished.
  Two pages of paper fell to the ground where the heroes had been.
Upon them both were printed pictures and text. Even a casual glance
by someone with the right comic book knowledge would reveal them to
be pages from The Official Handbook of the Looniverse. This august
publication most closely resembles The Official Handbook of the
Marvel Universe (Second volume, naturally. Not the crappy third
volume which was just a pile of fighting stats - bleah!) albeit with
elements of Who's Who and other similar books added as appropriate.
  One of the sheets read:

Real name: Joshua Daniel Asimov
Occupation: Net.hero
Type: Writer Character     Status: Active in the LNH
Identity: Secret
Legal status: Loonited States citizen with no criminal record
Former Aliases: Dark Limp-Asparagus Lad
Place of birth:,
Marital status: Single
Known relatives: Unnamed parents (deceased), Henry Dale (godfather),
  Emily Dale (godmother), Joseph 'Joe' Forsythe (cousin),
Group Affiliation: Legion of Net.Heroes; former operative of W.I.R.E.D.
Base of Operations: Net.ropolis
First archived appearance: _Coma Kid and Continuity Champ Junior: The
  Limited Series_ #2-3
Height: 1.7 m          Weight: 65 kg
Eyes: Grey     Hair: Hair-coloured
History: When he was five Joshua's parents were killed in a plane
  crash off the Florida coast. The young Joshua was raised by his
  godparents on their farm just outside of A Town You've Probably
  Never Heard Of, Io.wa. When he turned 18 he enrolled in Dave Thomas
  Deluxe University in Net.ropolis, and joined the Legion of
  Net.Heroes to make good use of his mutant powers.
    During his early period in the LNH his only appearance was as an
  example in the FAQ of how a Writer Character could be created by
  new Writers wanting to join the Looniverse, although he himself had
  no Writer at the time. His activities during this time are
  unrecorded, although it has been speculated that he was, by
  default, the only WC active during the Looniverse Adrift saga.
    Seeking to increase his profile, he fell afoul of a plan by
  W.I.R.E.D. (We Intend Rule and Eternal Domination) to recruit a
  super powered operative. He was sent a letter offering him the
  chance to have a darker personality that would be more interesting
  to the fanboy market. In actuality the new personality, while
  indeed being darker, involved being brainwashed into the villainous
  Dark Limp-Asparagus Lad. Fortunately he was rescued by Coma Kid and
  Continuity Champ Jr., and reprogrammed back to normal during a
  session with Special Bonding Boy.
    Shortly thereafter he was lucky enough to gain a Writer silly
  enough to want to write somebody with no personality, and starred
  in a six issue limited series. During this time his future cousin
  Joe retconned himself into the Looniverse from
  rec.arts.comics.xbooks. Additionally, he also succeeded in briefly
  turning Bob Melwizcht from a life of crime as Exclamation!Master!.
  However, W.I.R.E.D. tried to gain both Limp-Asparagus Lad and
  Exclamation!Master! as operatives for the use of their opposing but
  complimentary powers, and the net.hero's efforts in rehabilitating
  Bob came to naught when Bob turned on him. The newly revitalised
  villain accused the hero of trying to lead him back into a life as
  a non-superbeing and eternal potential victim.
    He has since gained a regular series that has continued its
  numbering from where the limited series left off.
Note: There is a significant discrepancy between the personality of
  Limp-Asparagus Lad prior to his appearance in his own series and
  afterwards. It has been speculated that this is a side-effect of an
  as yet undocumented adventure.
Strength level: Limp-Asparagus Lad possess the strength of a man his
  age, size and weight who engages in intensive regular exercise.
Known powers: Limp-Asparagus Lad is a mutant with two superhuman
  powers. The first is the ability to increase the elasticity of his
  skin so that the impact of many concussive attacks are absorbed
  with minimal damage. This process is referred to as 'going limp'.
  The threshold of what will or will not cause damage is undefined,
  but punches will not cause harm, while normal gunshots will cause
  bruising, and a bazooka will be near fatal impact.
    Limp-Asparagus Lad also possesses a psionically-based drama
  dampening field which is able to decrease or even abjure dramatic
  or melodramatic effects. This includes not just the reactions of
  living beings, but also the physical operation of dramatically-run
  universes (such as the Looniverse). The intensity of the field is
  variable and can be adjusted to stimulate anything from mild
  boredom to unconsciousness-causing mind-numbing tedium in living
  creatures. Similarly, the size of the field is variable, and can by
  conscious effort be reduced to affect Limp-Asparagus Lad alone, or
  increased to cover a radius of up to 0.8 kilometres. The drama
  dampening field is always active, but as a courtesy to others
  Limp-Asparagus Lad usually keeps it at a minimal area and intensity
  so that it only affects himself. It is this constantly active
  region of drama suppression that protects him from Mutant Angst(tm).
Paraphernalia: Limp-Asparagus Lad usually carries a Legion of
  Net.Heroes comm.thingee and a standard issue scan.thingee on his
  person. As a member of the LNH he has access to various items of
  .thingee technology, as well anything else that the team's mad
  scientist types whip up.

Character Credits:
  Fan.Boy created by Jamas Enright
  Kid Recap created by Josh Geurink
  Renegade Programmer created by Josh Dinerstein, via wReam
  Limp-Asparagus Lad owned by Saxon Brenton, created by Mystic
Mongoose (Robert Armstrong) and wReam (Ray Bingham)
  Butt Kickin' Guy, Lipid-Artery Lad, Splashpage, and Subplot Lad
created by Saxon Brenton

All characters copyright and tm their owners and/or creators

Adventures on the Letterspage #4

  'Cannon Fodder' leapt at Letterspage Man, grabbing him about the
throat with both hands, as if to throttle him. And though LPMan was
far stronger than his attacker, he found himself unable to fend off
the others' grip. He felt so very weak...
  "Fool!" cackled his assailant. "Now, you will perish at the hands
of... DOORNAIL!"
  As he was being chocked to death by the imposer Cannon Fodder
called Doornail, Letterspage Man barely managed to gasp a reply, and
that was totally incoherent anyway. But it was probably intended to
involve T.M. Maple, so that's all right.
  Watching from the shadows were two figures.
  "Hey, cool. The boss is being chocked to death by a villainous
imposter of a net.hero," said Hoot, who was a big, strong, and not
too bright fellow given to stating the obvious.
  "I wonder how long it will take him to croak?" speculated the
small, blob-like Snob in his reedy, petulant voice.
  "Betcha he won't last more than two minutes," replied Hoot.
  "You're on."
  "Wondering why you feel so weak?" grinned the villain nastily.
"That's easy. My wimpy little net.hero brother Cannon Fodder may be
able to bring himself back to life on his own, but _I_ require the
life force of others to jumpstart my resurrections. Even little bits
stolen here and there at a distance and never noticed will do, but I
used to be a tax group moderator - so I can drain you of your life
force with my touch."
  Letterspage Man felt himself fading fast, but managed to note that
Hoot and Snob were placing bets on how long he would take to die.
  "I _will_ have my revenge on all you net.heroes," continued
Doornail. "Especially Godd for abandoning me after Those Obnoxious
Post Brothers murdered me..."
  [A slightly distorted account of _The Origin of Cannon Fodder_ -
Footnote Girl]
  "Wha...?" started Doornail at the sudden appearance of the
footnote. LPMan took advantage of the momentary distraction to put
the last of his energy into throwing off the vampiric villain,
causing him to stumble backwards into the Mail Chute, and fall
through the dimensions back to Looniearth.
  Letterspage Man stood up, glaring meaningful at the traitorous Hoot
and Snob. The pair trembled as they contemplated yet another extended
period of confinement in their glass cages as punishment. As LPMan
marched them off, they passed an active computer screen, and this is
what it said:

Mail on Limp-Asparagus Lad #11

[from Ben Rawluk]
    Cool issue. Nice to see SOMEONE else remembers the LofH, and
    - I could hardly forget Limpy-B; I had a small part in conspiring
    in is creation, after all :-) Anyway, I _try_ to remember most
    things that tie in with LNH continuity (which is probably why my
    brain is so mushy :-) so that I can make references to them when
    go wallowing in established continuity.

Character credits:
  Letterspage Man, Hoot and Snob created by Saxon Brenton
  Cannon Fodder is Public Domain, reserved by Spectre (Patrick Gearman)
  Doornail (as Cannon Fodder) originally created (by accident) by
wReam (Ray Bingham)
  Bobb Fodder (as Cannon Fodder's brother) created by Dvandom (Dave
van Domelon)

All characters copyright and tm their owners and/or creators

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