Blue Light Productions presents:
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|BLiP| | |~~~~~ / / \ \ | | | | \/ | / / \ \ \ | /
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| #3 | | |~~~~~ | ___ | | | | | | | /\ ~| \ \ / / | |
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[Cover is a homage to Green Lantern/Green Arrow #3. In Green
Arrow's place is Captain Cleanup, saying "TOO". In Green Lantern's
place s Bizarre Boy, saying "MANY". In Black Canary's place
is Fuzzy, saying "NEWBIES". A sheepish looking Fan.Boy replaces the
Old Timer. Instead of Maltusians there are far too many B1FFs.]
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Bart Sears was the receptionist at the Legion of Net.Heroes'
Headquarters from midnight to 6 in the morning, and, right now, he was
worried.
Usually, he was only disturbed once or twice a night. Usually,
it was just someone needing a hero to save them from yet another evil
villain (didn't anyone sleep around here?). Usually he just read a book,
or watched the Ultimate Ninja going out hunting.
Usually he didn't have twenty men, all looking the same,
wandering around the lobby uttering inane comments.
"HOW DO ! POST?"
"DO YOU LIK3 SPIDER-MAN?"
"I LIKE CYBERSELL!"
"SPAM SPAM SPAM!" (Ooo, a subtle one.)
The other men liked this line so much they stared chanting it
together.
"SPAM SPAM SPAM SPAM SPAM..."
Bart clapped his hands over his ears. "No," he cried. "Not Monty
Python."
Over their song, Bart heard the noise of the lift opening.
Turning, he thought that reinforcements had arrived at last to deal with
this menace. This thought was instantly banished by what he actually did
see.
Another man (looking exactly the same) walked out of the lift,
carrying in one hand a vague body of a battered hero, and, in the other
hand, a battered body of a vague hero. Both had been knocked around, and
only exhibited the barest of life signs.
Bart hoped the Doctor hadn't gone to bed yet.
_-~-_
One level up, a few bleary eyed net.heroes were meeting.
"What are you still doing up at this time of night?" asked Frat Boy.
"I could easily ask you the same question," said Bizarre Boy.
Innovative Offensive Boy came wondering along. "Oh #$#$. Looks
like it's %^%^&in' well been left to us to clean up this ^%^*."
"Who let you out?" asked Frat Boy.
"What the %^^* is that supposed to ^&^&in' mean?"
"Let's just find out what the problem is before we start into
each other," said Bizarre Boy, placatingly.
"*(*^in' well fair enough. Lead on, ya dumb &^&*."
_-~-_
Captain Cleanup paused in the cafeteria, on his way back to his
quarters. He had stopped by the Peril Room control booth, but found
no-one there. Obviously, Contraption Man had already turned in.
He had also heard a call for heroes a few moments before, and, as
he neared the lobby, he waited until he could get a better picture of
what was going on.
Seeing that the reception area was crowded with what looked like
clones, he decided to see what reinforcements were available via the
Monitoring Room.
Entering the Room, he spotted Procrastination Boy catching up on
his net.reading.
"What? Why aren't you keeping an eye on the lobby. There's a
dangerous situation going on out there," said Captain Cleanup.
"I was just getting to it," complained Procrastination Boy. "I
do have a lot of things to do."
"Well, get on with it then."
Procrastination Boy moved over to the monitors and flipped the
main screen onto the lobby picture. On it, they could see the strange
men just walking around. They could also see a panicked receptionist,
and two very battered heros in the grasp off a really evil looking man.
"They've got two of our own," gasped the Captain. "We've got to
get them out of there."
"Tell you what," said Procrastination Boy. "You go and get them,
and I'll..." A glare from CC made him hurry. "I'll get Doctor Stomper
out there. He'll probably still be working."
"Just make sure you do." Captain Cleanup opened the door and
slipped out. Back in the cafeteria, he met up with Late-Nite Lad and
Insomnia Boy.
"What's going on in there?" asked Insomnia Boy.
"There seem to be clones littering our lobby, and I hate litter."
"Are you all right?" asked late-Nite Lad. "You aren't this
offensive. You usually come in at the end."
"It's too late to be worrying about that." Cleanup snapped. "They've
got two of our own, and I want them back!"
The two sleepless ones took a pace back. They had never seen
Captain Cleanup so riled before. It wasn't necessarily a good thing.
_-~-_
The other three net.heroes, Innovative Offensive Boy, Bizarre Boy and
Frat Boy, carefully moved down the stairs to the lobby. Just below them,
through the doorway into the lobby, they could hear some very strange
sounds.
"I LIK3 IMAGE."
"H0W DO I L00K AT A P0ST?"
"SPAM SPAM SPAM!" (This sounded like a chorus.)
"Oh &^*(," said Innovative Offensive Boy. "*(^^in' newbies."
"Let's get them!" Bizarre Boy cried, and charged down.
"Wait," called out Frat Boy. "Shouldn't we at least try to see
what we're up against?"
Bizarre Boy didn't wait, however, and charged into a room full
of men, all looking the same. He wasn't expecting this, and froze in
surprise.
A few of the men spotted him as well, and they ran over to him.
"D0 YOU WANT TO BUY SOME OF MY OLD C0MICS?" one shouted, as he
threw a fist into Bizarre Boy's face.
Bizarre Boy was thrown back, but otherwise unhurt. He was now
extremely annoyed, and threw his own punch at the man's head.
After connection, the head separated from the man's body, and
flew across the room, trailing wires from it's neck.
"It's a *@#%in' robot!" said Innovative Offensive Boy, entering
the lobby. "They must all be ##@!in' robots."
Frat Boy had also entered. "They've got Fuzzy and Fan.Boy," he
dried out, pointing at the two net.heroes, dangling from one of the
robot's arms.
"Who?" the other two asked. Bizarre Boy didn't wait for any
answer before flying into a group of robots, scattering them.
Frat Boy started prancing around the robots. Soon, they were
yelling "ST0P DOING THAT! D0N'T B3 SUCH A F00L!"
Innovative Offensive Boy tried to engage one in conversation.
"So, what the ^&%^ are you &^*^s doing here?"
Unfortunately, the robots seemed to dumb to understand that they
were been insulted. "HUH?" was the general response.
"Don't worry about that," called out Bizarre Boy, felling
another few robots. "Get those other two out of here."
IOBoy moved over to the battered heroes. The robot holding them
was just standing there, looking moronic. IOBoy grabbed Fan.Boy's cape
and tugged experimentally, but the grip on him didn't give.
"Come on, you dumb *^&*. Let go." The robot gave no reaction.
Hearing noises, IOBoy looked up to see Captain Cleanup,
Late-Nite Lad and Insomnia Boy enter the fray, the Captain of
Cleanliness wielding a large metal mop. In fact, he was swinging it
around his head, and decapitating quite a few robots.
Late-Nite Lad and Insomnia Boy moved over to Innovative
Offensive Boy to try to help him free Fan.Boy and Fuzzy. With their
strength combined, they managed to pry the robot's fingers open and set
the net.heroes free. They quickly pulled the battered bodies out to the
cafeteria, where Doctor Stomper had just arrived (after Procrastination
Boy finally got around to summoning him).
He quickly stabilised their conditions (and found that they looked
much worse than they actually were), and glanced into the lobby to see
what was happening.
Despite Bizarre Boy punching with all his might, and despite
Captain Cleanup decapitating robots left right and centre (and, yes,
even despite the receptionist cowering under the desk), there still
seemed as many robots moving around as ever.
"Aaaaahhh!" screamed Fan.Boy, jerking into a sitting position.
Fuzzy also returned to consciousness, although in a less verbal manner.
"What is it?" Doctor Stomper asked.
"I know what happened. I've just read my past issues.
Unfortunately, things are going to get worse."
Late-Nite Lad and Insomnia Boy glanced at each other. Innovative
Offensive Boy summed up their feelings. "Oh &*%(!"
_-~-_
Downstairs, in a particular HoloDecStation, robots were pouring out, the
HoloDecStation making more by the dozen.
They wondered around, with no real purpose, then set off for
other levels of the LNHHQ.
_-~-_
Upstairs, Squeaky Clean approached his room. /Yawn/ He was just so
tired. He didn't even know if he could make it inside. /Yawn/
As he reached for his doorknob, his eyes closed, and he slumped
against his door. He slid down it, falling deeper and deeper into sleep.
As he lay in front of his door, Squeaky's body... changed...
_-~-_
Doctor Stomper helped Fan.Boy over to a bench. "Well?"
"You know how Contraption Man fused the Transmat Chambers to the
Peril Room, and also to the HoloDecStations?"
Late-Nite Lad, Insomnia Boy and Innovative Offensive Boy
chorused "Contraption Man?"
"Hey," said Fuzzy indignantly. "How about helping me up?"
The two unsleeping boys bent down and helped Fuzzy get to a bench.
"Yeah, Contraption Man's back," said Fan.Boy. "But... something
strange has happened to him..."
"Never mind about that," said Doctor Stomper. "What about these
robots?"
"They're robots? Makes sense, I suppose," commented Fan.Boy.
"*They*? Who's they? I thought we were just fighting one creep,"
said Fuzzy.
"The HoloDecStation has been mass producing them. I read about
it," said Fan.Boy. "Look out there."
Fuzzy looked out into the lobby and saw more creeps than she
wanted to know about. "Hey, guys. I hope the outside doors are closed."
"Why?" asked Late-Nite Lad.
"I don't know about you, but I don't want the outside world
associating those things with us."
"Good point," commented Insomnia Boy, as he, Innovative
Offensive Boy and Late-Nite rushed off the make sure the outer doors
were closed.
"Anyway," continued Fan.Boy. "When I asked the HoloDecStation
for a random program, it accessed the Peril Room, got those robots, and
the Transmat Chambers made them real. That's why they can exist outside
the HoloDecStation room."
"But, what are they?" asked Doctor Stomper.
"The one we fought called himself 'B1FF'. I supposed that makes
them B1FFBOTs." Fan.Boy grinned, but was met by stolid stares.
"So, how do we stop them?"
Fan.Boy shrugged. "I dunno. Perhaps switch the computer off?"
Doctor Stomper grimaced. "Not easy. Too many back ups."
Fuzzy had been watching the action. "Hey, is that Bizarre Boy
out there?"
"Yes," Doctor Stomper confirmed.
"Perhaps he can help us. He might be able to affect all of them
at once."
"That still doesn't solve how to stop them being created," said
Fan.Boy.
"Why not just tell the computer to stop the program?" asked Fuzzy.
Doctor Stomper and Fan.Boy looked at each other sheepishly.
"Well, there is that."
Doctor Stomper led Fan.Boy (who wasn't yet at tip-top condition)
into the Monitoring Room, where they could access the HoloDecStation
computer.
After shooing Procrastination Boy away (and actually making him
monitor things) Doctor Stomper activated the connection to the HDS
computer.
Fan.Boy cleared his throat. "Computer, stop program."
The computer beeped. "Password?"
Fan.Boy's mouth gaped open.
_-~-_
Out in the lobby, the net.heroes were finally beaten into a retreat.
They moved back into the cafeteria, but found one or two B1FFBOTs
already there, one of them hassling Fuzzy.
"Get away from her, you mechanical moron," yelled Bizarre Boy,
as he knocked the robot across the room.
"Thanks," said Fuzzy. "Can your powers do anything to help this?"
"Like?"
"I don't know. Try something. Anything."
"All righty." As Captain Cleanup and the others fought to clear
a space, Bizarre Boy concentrated, reaching for his uncertain powers,
and reaching out mentally for the B1FFs.
As his mind expanded, he could feel all the B1FFs in the room,
then all on that level. Going further, he could sense them all over the
LNHHQ, wondering through corridors and punching holes in the walls.
He felt them all, and, with his powers, squeezed. The robots
faltered and stopped, then shrunk. They decreased in size, getting
smaller and smaller, until they were only one inch high. Far down below,
he could sense them still being continuously created, but they were now
the miniature version.
Opening his eyes, Bizarre Boy looked around the see little tiny
B1FFs crawling over everything, and the net.heroes quickly trying to
brush the little pests off their costumes.
"Thanks a &**^in' lot, you dumb *&%^," said Innovative Offensive
Boy.
"You're welcome," replied Bizarre Boy.
Fuzzy looked around, disgustedly. "Now what do we do?"
Captain Cleanup had started sweeping the B1FFs with his broom.
He grinned. "Now, we clean up."
_-~-_
"Password?" asked Doctor Stomper. "What password?"
Fan.Boy was unable to come up with an answer.
"Password?" the computer repeated.
"Fizbin," said Fan.Boy, for no particular reason.
"Unaccepted. Password?"
"Brainiac."
"Unaccepted. Password?"
"Ptolemy."
"Unaccepted. Password?"
"Krontep."
"Unaccepted. Password?"
"Toodle-pip?"
"Unaccepted. Password?"
_-~-_
Captain Cleanup moved his broom back and forth frantically. The more he
moved, the more space he created for other B1FFs to move into.
The others tried jumping up and down on the little 'bots, but
they ran around too much to squash satisfyingly.
A group of B1FFs ran out of the kitchen, carrying a large plate
of leftover cheesecake.
"Argh!" cried Frat Boy. "They got into the fridge."
"Hey," said Late-Nite Lad. "I just finished cleaning up in there."
As one, the B1FFs heaved, and sent the cheesecake flying through
the air. It splattered on the front of Innovative Offensive Boy. "Gross.
You (*&*in' &*^&s. Do you have any *(&*in' idea how long it's *&^&in'
gonna take for Domestic Lad to *&%*in' well clean this *%#^in' mess off?"
The B1FFs went, unaffected, and another group appeared with
another cheesecake. Before they could throw it, Fuzzy hit them with a
blast of uncertainness, which caused their aim to falter as they threw
the cheesecake at Insomnia Boy, who managed to duck out of the way in
time.
However, the next wave, who had brought out kitchen utensils,
managed to stab Late-Nite Lad in the leg with a barbecue fork. "Ow. *&**!"
"Hey," complained Innovative Offensive Boy. "That's my line."
_-~-_
"Polyglottal."
"Unaccepted. Password?"
"COMICS!"
"Unaccepted. Password?"
"Longitude."
"Unaccepted. Password?"
_-~-_
The B1FFs were staring to display some level of intelligence. More and
more B1FFs had come to the cafeteria, making their way from other levels
to meet there.
Once there, they joined with their compatriots, and formed a
large construction.
Eventually, made of hundreds of tiny little B1FFs, stood one big
solid B1FF. "HELL0!" it yelled. "H0W D0 I POST?!?"
Blasted by the stupidity, the net.heroes were thrown back
against the wall. "This is not nice," commented Frat Boy.
"Right," said Bizarre Boy. "I'm annoyed."
Launching himself forward, Bizarre Boy crashed into the large
construction, knocking a large hole in it. Far from destroyed, the large
B1FF took the odd swing at Bizarre Boy (largely missing) as the little
B1FFs that were displaced ran up to their place in the larger version's
chest.
Captain Cleanup snapped his fingers. "Of course. How could I
have forgotten. Stay here, and keep them occupied. I'll be right back."
He dashed out of the cafeteria.
"Now what's he up to?" asked Late-Nite Lad, mostly to himself.
Frat Boy and Innovative Offensive Boy had joined Bizarre Boy,
and were trying to hold B1FF's arms so Bizarre could get a better hit.
Unfortunately, the arms would just deform, tiny B1FFs would run over
their arms, then reform and swing.
Fuzzy managed to disorientate B1FF long enough for Bizarre to
land a solid punch to it's head, knocking away most of the right side,
but it soon reconstructed itself.
Lite-Nite Lad sighed, and moved into the fray.
_-~-_
"Twoflower."
"Unaccepted. Password?"
_-~-_
Captain Cleanup arrived back in the cafeteria, only to sidestep to avoid
Innovative Offensive Boy as he flew (courtesy of B1FF) out of the room.
Cleanup entered, carrying with him a large vacuum cleaner. He
started it up, and it made high-powered sucking sound.
"Here, robot. Here, nice wee robot."
Late-Nite Lad saw the vacuum cleaner. "Are you sure they'll all
fit?"
Cleanup lifted the cleaner proudly. "This is a contraption Man
special. The centre isn't a dust bag." He leaned forward conspiritorly.
"It's a mini black hole."
"Oh." Late-Nite Lad gulped, then stood out of the way. _Far_ out
of the way.
Cleanup pointed the nozzle in the direction of the large robot.
"Right, let 'em rip."
Bizarre Boy, seeing what Cleanup was talking about, started
throwing punches that, when they connected, sent the scattered B1FFs
straight towards the vacuum cleaner. Screaming in tiny little voices,
they were sucked in, never to be seen again.
Cleanup grinned insanely as he watched the process.
_-~-_
"Sin.ci.net.ty."
Unaccepted. Last chance. Password?"
"Last chance?" Fan.Boy repeated to himself, then grinned and
turned to Doctor Stomper. "We're all right now."
"Why's that?"
"It's our last chance. Heroes always win on last chances."
"Well, we'd better get it right then." Doctor Stomper paused,
thinking. "What was the first thing that B1FF said, after it had been
created? Perhaps that's it."
"Of course. Let's see." Fan.Boy concentrated, reviewing that
issue. "HI1" he repeated. "I"M B1FF!" (Fan.Boy looked at the computer
expectedly.)
("Unaccepted. Program will continue unconditionly.")
"Aw. Gimme a break, computer," whined Fan.Boy. "Please?"
"Password accepted. Program has terminated."
Doctor Stomper rubbed his hands together. "Right, now we can get
to business." He moved over to the transporter controls, ignoring
Fan.Boy's astonished stare.
Doctor Stomper ran a few commands through the computer, making
it lock onto all B1FFs currently in the LNHHQ. He looked at the result,
puzzled. According to his current readings, the number of B1FF were
steadily decreasing, but there was still plenty left.
Shrugging, he activated the transporter.
_-~-_
Frat Boy looked on in astonishment as the well known transporter effect
took hold of what was left of B1FF (about torso downwards) and vanished.
The net.heroes paused and took a collective breath. Late-Nite
Lad moved over to Captain Cleanup's vacuum and switched it off. Cleanup
was giggling quietly to himself. Late-Nite Lad looked at him worriedly.
A happy Doctor Stomper strode out of the Monitoring Room,
followed by a semi-happy Fan.Boy.
"I did it," Fan.Boy called out.
The others looked at him disbelievingly.
"Well," Fan.Boy qualified, "We did it."
The others still just looked.
"Okay, okay," he admitted. "You did while I was here."
The others nodded. This they had to accept.
"Hey, Doc," asked Innovative Offensive Boy (having by now
returned to the cafeteria). "What the &**% did you do?"
"Oh, I just locked onto every B1FF in the building and
transported them elsewhere."
"Where?" asked Fuzzy.
Doctor Stomper opened his mouth to answer, but Fan.Boy
interrupted him. "News.announce.newusers. I can.. sense them there."
Doctor Stomper looked at Fan.Boy. "Yeah, whatever. Hopefully,
they will now become useful members of our community... Nah."
Frat Boy stretched and yawned. "Well, I don't know about you, but
I'm off to bed."
"Yes," said Doctor Stomper. Pointing to Fan.Boy and Fuzzy, he
said, "I suggest you two do the same. You'll need some rest. Although
you'll still have bruises for a while, you'll be all right."
Fuzzy and Fan.Boy moved off for the lifts.
"Hey, Fan.Boy," said Fuzzy. "Your glasses are crooked."
"Are they?" Reaching up, he took his glasses off and looked at
them. Indeed they were crooked. "Oh well. B1FF must have damaged them.
I'll get them fixed later."
As they got to the lift, Insomnia Boy heard Fuzzy say "You
know, for a new kid, you did all right. I'll tell you what, I'll tell you
a story of how my fuzziness powers can affect writers, especially when
it comes to deciding what gender I am..." The lift doors closed, cutting
off the rest of the conversation.
"Hey Doc," called out Late-Nite Lad. "I think you better take a
look at the Captain here." Captain Cleanup was still giggling to himself.
Doctor Stomper went over and made a cursory examination. "Hmm, I
think we'd better take him to the med-lab. He could do with some rest as
well."
Innovative Offensive Boy and Late-nite Lad led Captain Cleanup
off, Doctor Stomper following.
"Well," said Frat Boy. "That just leaves us."
"I'll walk with you," said Insomnia Boy. "I still feel wide
awake."
Shooting Insomnia Boy a dirty look, Frat Boy headed for the lifts.
_-~-_
Up in one of the corridors, Frat Boy walked to his quarters, chattering
to Insomnia Boy. Looking ahead, he spotted a figure to one side of the
hallway.
"Hey, who's that?"
Moving closer, they could see that it was someone sleeping.
Closer still, they could see just who it was, and it surprised them. It
was Mouse, Writer's Block Woman's sidekick/daughter.
"I thought she was stuck in some other dimension or something,"
said Insomnia Boy. "Oh well, we'd better get her back to her quarters."
Bending down, they carefully moved off, not wanting to awaken her.
Splash page: Frat Boy (with his back to the reader) and Insomnia
Boy (moving backwards) carry Mouse down the hall. A smirk is on Insomnia
Boy's face, as Frat Boy says "But, what was she doing sleeping right
outside Squeaky Clean's room?"
At the bottom are the issue's title:
"Just a few B1FFs."
"By Jamas Enright."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
NEXT ISSUE: So, let's all find out about this fair city we live in. Just
what makes it tick? Just what makes Net.ropolis what it is?
Find out in Fan.Boy #4: "Lost in Net.ropolis."
--------
Credits:
Fan.Boy is mine, copywrite me, used with my permission.
Mouse belongs to Jaelle, insinuated about with permission.
[Free plug: Read Writer's Block Woman!!! See Fan.Boy get beaten into a
bloody pulp!]
Bart Sears, Captain Cleanup, Late-Nite Lad, Fuzzy, Insomnia Boy,
Innovative Offensive Boy, Doctor Stomper, Procrastination Boy, Bizarre
Boy, Squeaky Clean and Frat Boy are Public Domain.
B1FF was inspired by the victims of the Order of Saint Dumbas.
Back to the Index.