______ _________ _____ ____ ____ _______ _____ ___ ___ | | | | / _ \ | \| | | /\ \ / _ \ \ \ / / |BLiP| | |~~~~~ / / \ \ | | | | \/ | / / \ \ \ | / | | | ~~~~~| | ~~~ | | | ____ | / | | | | | | | #2 | | |~~~~~ | ___ | | | | | | | /\ ~| \ \ / / | | | | | | | | | | | |\ | | | | ~~ / \ ~ / | | ~~~~~~ ~~~~ ~~~~ ~~~~ ~~~~ ~~~~ ~~~~ ~~~~~~~ ~~~~~ ~~~~~ [Cover shows Fan.Boy being strangled by a Liefieldish man] ----------------------------------------------------------------------- It was night time in Net.ropolis, and Fuzzy was prowling the top floors of the LNHHQ, restless. She spotted a door that was half open, with light streaming out. Moving closer, she saw a young man sitting on a bed, staring at nothing, but laughing to himself from time to time. "Hello?" The man jumped. He looked at her, startled. "Oh, hello. Sorry, I was just reading the 'net." Fuzzy looked around the room, but failed to see a computer, not that he would have been sitting on the bed if he had been using it. What was this guy on? He stood up. "Come in. I just arrived here about two hours ago. I came from New Zealand, and, for me, it's really only about 10 in the morning. My name's Fan.Boy and I'm a net.hero!" He put out his hand for her to shake. She moved forward and shook it. Another net.hero? They were really coming out of the woodwork now. The man, Fan.Boy, was looking at her strangely. "Why can't I see you properly?" Fuzzy smiled to herself. "I'm a veteran hero. The name's Fuzzy." "Oh wow," said Fan.Boy, enthused. "I've heard of you. Umm.. didn't you use to be a man once?" Fuzzy moved uncomfortabely. "I'd rather not talk about it." [Fuzzy was male in Flame Wars and before. I'm not really sure what happened to change Fuzzy, and would appreciate enligthenment. - JE] "Aren't you the one that's getting pissed about not being used in stories?" asked Fan.Boy, rather tactlessly. "You even refused access to Green Cheeezar so you could get used more." [This happened in C.H.E.E.E.Z. Corps #17 - Jamas the continuity man] "What of it?" This was not the way to get Fuzzy on your good side. "I would have thought you would get used more, what with being Public Domain, and having cool powers of ambiguity and all." This was getting beter. Perhaps he had hope after all. "But, I suppose with Writer's Block Woman having similiar powers and being more popular, people probably think of you less." It was Frat Boy, who had decided to find out who else was up at this time of night, who spotted Fan.Boy lying on the floor, clutching his stomach. _-~-_ Squeaky Clean and the man sometimes known as the Gizmo Guru (although more commonly called Contraption Man) were in the Peril Room control booth, trying to fix it. Contraption Man had wired up the Peril Room to the Transmat Chambers in the Monitoring Room and, also, to the HoloDecStations in the basement below, in the hope that the similair technology might help repair the misfunctioning Peril Room. However, due to misfortune (known as Bad-Timing Boy), the three mechanisms had fused together. [This really did happen. Read Fan.Boy #1 - JE] Contraption Man was now trying to seperate them without anything worse happening. He stared at the insides of the Peril Room control desk, chewing his thumb nail. Although he had built it (he had?), he was having some difficulty as to what any of it did. Understanding seemed to come and go, like the tide on the sea shore, and this worried him. Something else that worried him was that fact that his personality also seemed to flow and ebb, causing him several times to doubt his own identity. He had been standing for so long, just chewing him nail, and staring at where he should be working, that Squeaky thought he should say something. "Are you all right? We've been at this for a while. Perhaps we should take a break." Squeaky stifled a yawn. "Perhaps I should get Insomnia Boy to take over for me." Contraption Man looked at Squeaky for a moment, distracted, then worked out what he had said and reacted guiltily. They had been up for a long time, since... He couldn't actaully remember when he had started. "You're right. We should call it quits for now, get a fresh start. You go, and I'll just finish one or two things here." Fatigue washed over him, and he put his hand on the control desk to steady himself. He put it right in left-over cheesecake. [t's been there since Fan.Boy #1 :) - JE] He looked at his cake-covered hand. "And take this with you," he said, handing the gooey mess to Squeaky. Squeaky tried to hide a grin as he left. Contraption Man absintmindedly wiped his hand on his uniform, then crouched down to look inside the desk. Hmmm, what to do, what to do... _-~-_ Fan.Boy was sitting on his bed, recovering from his "meeting" with Fuzzy, wondering what he could do next, when a thought hit him. The HoloDecStations! Now that sounded like something fun to try. Making his way to the elevators, he descended down to the bowels of the LNHHQ where the HoloDecStations were kept. Looking around he spotted a nearby empty one (not hard to find at one in the morning) and entered it. A computer voice (sounding nothing like Lwaxanni Troi) spoke "What program do you wish to run?" Oh, a descision. "Umm... pick a random program from storage." He might just stumble across something interesting this way. The computer beeped and accessed its banks. _-~-_ Up in the Peril Room control botth, on the control desk, lights flashed as programs were flipped through. Underneath the desk, Contraption Man looked in amusement as circuits flashed tiny LEDs, and wondered what it all meant. _-~-_ Procrastination Boy was on duty in the Monitoring Room when the Transmat Chambers lit up. He thought about telling someone about it, but decided to do it later Ain't coincidence (the force that has Procrastionation Boy on duty at this particualr time in the story) a wonderful thing? _-~-_ Down in the HoloDecStation, a person materialised in the centre of the room. 'Hey wow,' thought Fan.Boy, 'just like Star Trek.' The person was a man, about 6 ft 5 tall, a muscly build and an extremely stupid look on his face. (No, not Curly, this guy is bigger and stupider. Yes, *stupider*) "HI1" he said. "I"M B1FF!" Somehow, Fan.Boy could tell that this was a Bad Thing(tm). _-~-_ Fuzzy, in an attempt to be alone, had decided to pay a visit to the HoloDecStation. Originally, she had gone to the Peril Room, but found it out of order. She needed to work off some agression and thought the HoloDecStations were a good place to start. (It's just that coincidence thing again.) She had just exited the stairwell when she haerd a cry that sounded like "B1FF SMASH!" followed by a scream that got louder. This was because the source of the scream, one fist-struck Fan.Boy, was now travelling out of the HoloDecStation and into the corridor. Fuzzy looked on, amused. "Having fun, net.hero?" Fan.Boy looked up from his crumpled position, and saw her. "You've got to help me," he cried desperately. "This guy's a maniac." "Are you sure I'm popular enough to help?" At that moment, B1FF made his entrance. He left the HoloDecStation, and stood in the corridor, just looking at them. "Hey," said Fuzzy. "You can't do that. You're a hologrammatic construct. You can't survive outside of the HoloDecStation." "ER," said B1ff. "WAT?" Fan.Boy crawled over to her. "Doesn't seem to worried by that." B1FF lumbered forward. "WAT"S THE LNH?" he asked. Fan.Boy and Fuzzy looked at each other in panic. "Newbie!" they screamed, and made for the stairs. They crashed through the stairs and ran up a flight. Using the communicator part of her flight.thingee, Fuzzy radioed the Monitoring Room for help. "Get some LNHers down here. Fan.Boy's created a newbie that's not being friendly." "I didn't do it on purpose," Fan.Boy muttered. "Who? Um, I get onto it... er... maybe later," was the responce. "Wha?" Fuzzy stared at her flight.thingee in surprise. "Who put Procrastination Boy on Monitoring duty?" she asked, glaring at the Forth Wall. [Just trying to get a plot point.] "Gee, thanks." They exited the stair well one level higher, now in the gym. They could hear B1FF coming up behind him. "Hang on," said Fuzzy. "How do we know he's out to kill us? After all, he only punched you. I can understand the need to do that." She grinned. "Thanks," replied Fan.Boy. "I didn't even say anything. He just hit me!" "How did you create him, anyway?" "Wait for the exposition later, B1FF's still on our tails." B1FF certainly was, for he exited into the gym himself at that moment. "Can't you do anything?" asked Fuzzy. "Don't you have any powers?" "Okay," said Fan.Boy, backing away from B1FF. "Something from alt.binaries.*, I think." He concentrated for a moment, then spoke: "M3F5W\V=R;W5P/SH@86QT+G1A/W1E;&5S\RYJ;VME/PT*4W5B:F5C=#H@4&]L` M+2TM+2TM+2TM+2TM+2TM+2TM+2TM+2TM+2TM+2TM+2TM+2TM+2TM+2TM+2TMB" [Although I am stunned by this, there is still action in what would normally be a stunned gap, so action there shall be... in brackets - the stunned one] (Fuzzy swayed on her feet, her eyes vacant. Fan.Boy was unaffected by his own power, so grabbed Fuzzy's arm as she went into a light trance.) (Unfortunately, B1FF was also unaffected, and stumbled toward our heroes.) ("What? Be stunned, you smeghead. I haven't got any other offensive powers.") (B1FF grabbed a nearby exercycle and threw it at them.) (Fan.Boy ducked and watched the bike fly overhead, now really panicked. "I haven't even got _defensive_ powers, come to that.") ("ISN"T SPIDERMAN C00L!" B1FF cried.) (Fan.Boy looked around, ducked a 150kg barbell, and waited for something. But nothing happened. Nothing extraneous anyway. "That was a rec.arts.comics.misc question on alt.comics.lnh. Where's the Order of Saint Dumbas when you need them?") Fuzzy (and the Writer) awoke from her (their) trance. "Wow. That's really amazing." Fan.Boy pulled her from the path of another barbell. "We don't have time for that now. Can you affect that thing?" Fuzzy looked at B1FF and concentrated. B1FF picked up a bench, but looked uncertain as to what to do with it. Fan.Boy creapt aaround, picked up a metal bar, stood behind B1FF and brought the bar crashing down on B1FF's head. B1FF turned slowly. "WOT"S THAT $UPP0S3D 2 DO?" Fan.Boy gaped. "This guy's too thick to know when he's hurt." At this, Fuzzy groaned. However, as the writer has just remembered that he has other plot lines to attend to, we now move to... _-~-_ The Peril Room control room. Contraption Man stared at the insides, and traced some of the circuits with his hand. Touching a live wire, he was jolted backwards, and collapsed on the floor. He started spazaming, and something strange happened to his body as he did so. It changed shape, becomng paler (more albino) and smaller. Soon, a white figure was lying on the floor. It's body was completely smooth all over, and it's face had the bearest outlines of where eyes, mouth and ears would be. Then, it started changing again. _-~-_ As Squeaky Clean neared his room, he saw another figure in the corridor. Getting closer, he saw that it was his mentor, Captian Cleanup, who was currently swipping at a wall with a cloth. He turned at the sound of footsteps and saw his sidekick looking at him. "Oh, hello Squeaky, just finishing up for the night." Squeaky smiled. "Yeah, I'm just heading to bed myself. I've been working with Contraption Man in the Peril Room." Captain Cleanup gasped. "Contraption Man? He's back?" Squeaky nodded. "He's in the Peril Room control room. Or, at least, he was. He was going to bed himself when I left." "Hmmm. I may just look in on him. I've got to go down there anyway. Goodnight, Squeaky." Squeaky yawned as Cleanup nodded to him, then moved past him to elevators. Squeaky yawned again as he entered his room and headed for bed. _-~-_ Down below where Fan.Boy and Fuzzy were fighting were the HoloDecStations, the cause of their current distress. The one from which B1FF had originally come was still on. Inside, another figure was materialising. It was another B1FF. Then, another figure materialised. _-~-_ Back upstairs, things were gettng worse. B1FF had by now thrown everything moveable at Fuzzy and Fan.Boy, who had only managed to get out of the way by hairbreaths. They were stuck by a wall, and Fuzzy felt around, trying to find something useful. Her hand encountered something small, round and metallic. It was a doorknob, and the door it belonged to led into a locker room (the female one to be precise). Fuzzy opened in, and pulled Fan.Boy in after her, pulling out of the way of yet another barbell. Inside, they panted, trying to get their breaths back. Fan.Boy looked around. "Ah, so this is what the woman's lockers look like." Fuzzy grinned. "Just like the men's, eh?" "Well," admitted Fan.Boy. "Yes." The door splintered, (yes, it was made of metal, but it splintered anyway) showering Fuzzy and Fan.Boy in metal shrapnel. B1FF had rammed his head into it. "HEL0 THERE. WOOD YOU LIKE 2 PLAY?" The net.heroes backpedalled through another doorway, and found themselves teetering on the edge in the internal swimming pool. B1FF followed them, and saw them swinging their arms, trying to maintain their balance. B1FF took one step forward and pushed. Fuzzy and Fan.Boy splashed into the pool, sending a wave of water over B1FF, who took no notice. Instead, the man stepped forward again, and walked into the pool. The duo floundered, trying to get some semblance of order when B1FF (who was walking on the bottom of the pool) reached up, grabbed one leg in each hand, and pulled. Fuzzy had time for one last thought before the writer changed scenes again. "What? Is this guy too thick to know he should drown? /blub/" _-~-_ Captain Cleanup walked from the stairs, through the lobby (nodding to Bart Sears who was the receptionist on duty) through the Cafeteria (noting that the usual mess had been cleaned up this time), through the quarters, heading for the Peril Room. He got close when a figure stepped down from the stairway that led up to the control room, and stepped into the light. Cleanup froze, completely thrown by what he saw. Before him stood Squeaky Clean! Squeaky spotted him. "Hello sir. Just going up to bed." Cleanup got control over his mouth (which threatened to drop open on him) and said "Certainly, certianly." As Sqeuaky passed him, CLeanup touched his arm to stop him. "Er, didn't I see you upstairs a moment ago?" Squeaky looked at him, puzzled. "No." His confusion expression changed to one of concern. "Are you feeling all right?" The Captian of Cleanliness changed his touch to patting Squeaky's arm. "No, no, I'm all right. Must be too late. Seeing things." Squeaky nodded slowly. "Right. Well, I'll just go on up then. See you tomorrow," he said carefully. "Of course." Cleanup watched Squeaky carefully as he headed out of the quarters for the elevators. Squeaky in turn watched Cleanup carefully as he left. When Squeaky was out of sight, Captian Cleanup shook his head and ran a hand through his hair. 'I'm getting to old for this sort of thing,' he thougth to himself as he continued on his way. _-~-_ Bart Sears relaxed as Captian Cleanup walked by. He liked this job. Nice cushy number. Nothing happened on this shift, he only had to answer the phone once or twice. Just for the usual thing, saving the city and all that. Usually he just put the call through to the Monitoring Room, and whoever was on duty there took over. Nice cushy number. He was going lean back and put his feet on the desk when he saw a shadow emerge from the stairwell. He quickly straightened up. The Ultimate Ninja had caught him slouching once. He still winced at the dressnig down he had recieved. Nearly cost him his job. Now he was extra careful. When the figure entered the lighting of the lobby, Bert's eyes bulged. Now this was a man who worked at a gym. It was when others, all looking the same, appeared behind the first figure that Bert got worried. He reached for the intercom. Didn't pay to be incautious. Even if this was nothing, he would still like to know that the LNHers knew about this. "HELLO! H0W D0ES TH1S W0RK!?" Now Bert was worried. _-~-_ Fan.Boy and Fuzzy kicked at the arms holding them under. Desperately, they thrashed out, quickly running out of air. B1FF was grinning, obviously not caring if they drowned or not. After some particularly violent kicks, Fuzzy and Fan.Boy managed to pull free. They broke the surface gasping in large breath of sweet fresh air. B1FF reached up again, but the duo avoided his grasp and struck out for the other side of the pool. As B1FF was walking along the bottm, it didn't take the others long to get a distinct advantage of distance and reach the other side ahead of him. They entered the men's lockers dripping wet, but didn't let that worry them as they pulled a row of lockers in front of the door to the pool. Fuzzy grabbed a towel fromn a pile, and threw another one to Fan.Boy. "Certainly a different way to go night swimming," Fuuzy said, patting the towel over her wet clothes. Fan.Boy merely grinned, and did the same for his spandex. The lockers shook as something hit them. It was fairly obvious what that was. A large fist, courtesy of B1FF. Fuzzy opened the door to the gym and headed for the elevators, seemingly looking left as she did so (although it wasn't fully possible to tell). "You delay B1FF while I get the lift," Fuzzy ordered. "Why? How?" She extended what was probably an arm, and indicated the door set into the thick concrete wall on the left. "That door leads to the prisoner holding area. If B1FF gets in there he could, he could set some rather powerful villains free." "Oh." Fuzzy left him to it, and hurried to the lift. Behind her, she heard a crash as the lockers collapsed onto the floor. She winced as she considered the power, and stabbed the button the call the lift. Over the intercom speakers, Fuzzy heard "Will all LNHers awake please come to the reception. We have some unexpected visitors." She briefly wondered what that was about, but decided not to let it worry her. She tapped her foot impatiently as the lift seemed to take an age to reach them. Then, as the doors opened, she looked to Fan.Boy to see how he was doing. What she saw was Fan.Boy flying towards her. What was not so obvious, but what she realised anyway, was that this was because he had been thrown by B1FF, and not something he had done himself. Fan.Boy hit Fuzzy, and they fell both to the floor in a tangle. When they extracted themselves, they looked up to see B1FF looming over them. He reached out and took one hero in each hand. Fan.Boy muttered "I think this is going to hurt." He was proven right as B1FF slammed their heads against the wall. Although the heroes remained concious, they could do little to stop B1FF entering the lift. As the doors closed, and the lift rose, B1FF amused himself by knocking their heads against the lift's walls. A bell sounded, indicating the reception floor. _-~-_ Splash page: Tight focus on the open lift at the reception level. B1FF stands in the lift doorway, a bloodied hero in each hand. Off to the left, other B1FFs can be seen mulling about. B1FF is grinning, staring out in front of him with vacant eyes. In the bottom right corner is the issue's title: "B1FF SMASH!" "by Jamas Enright" ------------------------------------------------------------------------ Right, next issue the heroes must win. Pity I don't have the slightest idea how... Be here to see if I have worked it out in Fan.Boy #3: "How many can 'infinite' be?" ------------------------ Credits: Fan.Boy belongs to me. The real Contraption Man is Public Domain. Fuzzy, Frat Boy, Captain Cleanup, Squeaky Clean, Procrastination Boy and Bert Sears (I think) are Public Domain. B1FF belongs to newbies everywhere.Back to the Index.