Thalion sighs deeply, calming himself, then he reaches out with his mind to contact the trump of his brother. The image in the card wavers, then solidifies, ::Jacob, I think we need to talk. About what happened in the Grove.::
Jake is in a rather antisceptic labratory setting, complete with white lab coat. He is pouring over reams of print outs.. He looks up through the trump contact owlishly, before returning to his reading. He chooses to speak aloud, but doesn't resist your mental touch.. He appears to be alone.
"Undoubtably," he replies flatly. "Hello Thalion. If you expect me to make a big deal of it, you can relax in that regard.. What can I do for you?"
Thalion shrugs, switching to verbal, "I thought you might want an explanation or have some questions."
It's Jake turn to shrug, "It was your decision," he says giving the other his full attention. "What's the use in being pious, or sermonizing? I thought you were tired of it. I don't think this says a whole lot about the new beginning I was sincerely trying to do.. but again.. it was your decision. You have to be accountable to yourself, Thalion. I learned the folly of trying to be the Morality Police. The only one who has really suffered here is you. Me..? I'll get over it.."
Thalion sighs and sits in an ornately carved wooden chair, you can see a marble walled library of books and scrolls behind him, "I know. The truth of the matter is that I had been hiding it for so long, it never occured to me to tell you. You spent all your time with Father, I was with mother. When it first happened ...... I ....... lost control. I hurt someone I cared for allot. I wasn't sure what was happening. You and father always kept it hidden from mother, what was I supposed to do? I couldn't ask her about it. It scared me. I couldn't travel in shadow even. I left the city so I could hunt in the forest. It was easier and no one noticed the disappearences of the brigands." He shrugs. "I'm sorry I never told you."
He slumps in a chair, looking downcast. "It's alright.. Too tired to argue about anything anymore. It's been.. a rough year.
"I hate it myself Thalion, I always have. I hate looking at them, no matter how wretched or soiled their souls may be. Everyone looks innocent when they sleep."
He raises his eyes to glance at his brother. "It was one more thing to envy, that's all. You had your carefree easy going way with everything. Your natural ability. Why not envy your 'normality' your humanity..? Only you're different too.."
He raises an eyebrow. "How badly did you hurt this friend?.." He shakes his head, "Never mind, I'm prying.."
Thalion looks haunted, like he's seeing everything that happened as if it were in front of him now. He whispers, " I killed him Jacob. Lir's name, I killed him. He didn't even have a chance." He closes his eyes.
Jacob looks up sharply, but doesn't quite seem surprised. Uncharacteristically he'll step through the trump contact and put his arm around his twin's shoulder, in a slight embrace. "Come on, you don't sound like you should be alone right now."
He'll sit Thalion down for a moment. "We'll go somewhere less antisceptic in a bit," he murmurs.
"Yeah.. it's hard to want to get close to anything after that. I'm sorry you went through that. It wasn't necessary, Dad would have taught you what you needed to know, and you never needed to experience a situation like that. I must be partly to blame, if we seemed somehow like we were a clique that you couldn't be a member of.."
"I am sorry for your friend as well."
Thalion nods, he still stares off into space, lost in the past. "I don't think it really was anyones fault. I never suspected I was a shroudling. I was scared, it was a really bad storm. The ship was taking on water. He was there. He was helping me get below decks. He was ......... holding on to me. I cared very deeply for him." He looks his brother in the face for a second before looking away, "I think I loved him. The fear and the ........ passion, were too much for me. I felt weak. The world was spinning. I felt a hunger so deep. It was like ....... like my soul was on fire. He turned to look at something. I ..... I bit him. It felt so ........ right. Then I realized what I was doing. I tried to wake him up." Tears are streaming down Thalions face. " He was so pale. So cold. The ship hit something. A rock maybe. It started to break apart. I lost hold of him in the water. I didn't even get to bury him. I didn't know who to tell. I was a shroudling. I had killed. I had also loved a man. Now you know what life has been like for me. Everytime I feed, I see his face. I see him slipping into the sea. I am so sorry. Please forgive me Barathorne."
Jacob lets Thalion finish without interuption, though when the tears start to flow, he places a hand on his twin's shoulder and pats him gently.
"I don't know what to say.." he begins and trails off.. "I.. am sorry. That's terrible."
He lets silence fall in the room for a moment.
"Well if you loved him, then he must have been a decent person. You've never liked false or superficial people. I wager that he does forgive you.. And he would want you to forgive yourself. You couldn't help it, and as far as loving him, well.. that's not a crime..
He tousles his brothers hair absently, gently. "Guilt won't restore him Thalion."
Thalion smiles sadly, "Thank you Jacob. I'm sorry to dump all of this on you. I just wanted you to understand. I didn't keep it a secret to hurt anyone, I just didn't know what to say. It was too much. You know in real time its been over two thousand years since he died? He was such a caring and handsome man and I am probably the only one who remembers him. No one else. Does it ever bother you? Do you ever think about it? We will live forever as far as I can tell. But things around us will always crumble into dust." He sighs almost like coming out of some sort of trance, "I'm sorry. I'm just being morbid now."
"Me? Be overly serious and occasionally morbid, oh no.. never.. perish the thought." His eyes twinkle as Thalion does a double take to check the gentle teasing sarcasm.
"Of course I think about it. I recently had a conversation about death with Urda. I don't enjoy taking life, I really don't. I'm far from a pacifist, but it grieves me to take life to sustain my own. Urda said that I couldn't understand things like life and death like he could. I explained I had my own perspective, while it may not have been his, it certainly was valid. And yes, I know exactly what you mean about watching everything grow old and die. It's painful, I know. It's part of the reason that I have this terrible habit of divorcing myself from my true feelings."
He looks away. "And then there is time.. I feel helpless sometimes, because I have become so emeshed in certain events in time and space that I feel responsible for things that I consider atrocities."
He lays his hand on his brothers shoulder again. "The difference between selfish people, and those faced with bad choices is sometimes thin, Thalion, but you can still find it in the intent. You never meant to hurt that man. Your ship hit the reef anyways, and he could have died anyways. You had a quality of feeling that can't be replaced, thousands of years later, and it may seem to be a curse sometimes, but at least you can say to yourself that you felt something. Untold people go through life never feeling a thing, at least your life has had love and meaning to it.
"And Barathorne lives on in your memory. It doesn't matter that no one else remembers him, one that loved him does and that is good enough. Maybe it would ease your concious to erect a monument to him, by the shore?
"Anyways, I understand why you kept your secrets now, and I am sorry for it. But even such as we are most comfortable living in the present. You have a son to raise now, Deirdre's son.."
He asks quietly and solictiously, "Are you feeling better now?"
Thalion smiles warmly and pats his brothers hand, "Yes I am. Thank you Jacob. For understanding and for talking about it with me. I had never told anyone and I think it needed to be said. Now all I have to do is tell Mom and Dad." He sighs and runs his fingers through his hair, "Its not like they are lacking problems of their own, though." He stands and gives his brother a hug. "Thank you again Jacob."
"You're welcome, I only wished.. it hadn't taken this many years for the walls to come down between us like this." He looks downcast, "I suppose that's my fault."
He raises his eyes, "As for your orientation, I'm of the opinion that everyone needs love and belonging, and in that regard none of us are really that different. I think Mom will deal with it fine.. Dad.. Try to point out some way it can be seen mathematically and he'll deal with it. I just spoke to him not too long ago. They mostly want their privacy, but they're taking calls."
He hugs Thalion back. "Don't be a stranger. Bring Corleu around, I am sure Raven would like to see him... And watch out for Nikolas.."
Thalion chuckles, "You mean Nikolas and his breeding program? I've heard about that. I'll watch out for him. Thanks."
"Well," Jacob smiles, "You may not be in any trouble from that under the circumstances.. But if Clarissa has an affection for you.. Well, Nik opposes her in some way. I'd hate to see you get got in the crossfire."
"I'll try to be careful. Though it may be hard. Clarissa said she loved me." Thalion shrugs. "That may get me into trouble."