TREK MEETS WINDOWS 95
Will Windows 95 Live Long and Prosper?
"Sulu, set path to the floppy drive. Scotty, fit the hard
drive with the MicroSoft Windows 95 engine. Chekov, prepare the
install disks, we're about to begin a sequel."
"Captain, Windows 95 doesn't do SQL."
"Right. Then let's see how she performs at task speed.
"Captain, are you surrrrre you want to rrrreplace the system?
If ye put Windows code into a true 32-bit multitasking
we'll risk a matter-antimatter explosion!"
"Scotty, that's an order."
"Aye Captain, but she's just not ready. She needs a proper
"That's what we're doing, Scotty. Chekov, how are those
install disks coming?"
"We're on disk 5, sir."
"Fascinating, Captain. It appears as if Windows 95 is
scanning our hardware and mutating to adapt."
"Then Spock, can you tell me why it is saying it can't use the
Microsoft sound card, which works fine as configured under Windows
"Will it use a ProAudio Spectrum?"
"How about a Sound Blaster?"
"What good are you, anyway?"
"Box-office attraction, Captain."
"I'm a doctor - not a hardware technician."
"Spock, cancel the Microsoft sound card and install the
ProAudio Spectrum. Chekov, finish the software installation.
reboot the system when it's ready and prepare to go to task speed
"Aye, aye, Captain."
"We've just entered the desktop zone, Captain."
"Captain, she canna take it much more. Another 15 sectors and
the engines'll burn up fer surrrrre."
"Scotty, we haven't even started yet."
"Sorry, Captain, I just haven't had a line in so long..." "Sulu,
task 1. Bring up the README.TXT in the notepad." "Aye, Captain."
"Wait a minute. Cancel that order. Plot a shortcut to the
README.TXT in the desktop zone. We'll be navigating back there
"It seems as if we have a hardware conflict, sir. The
ProAudio Spectrum 16 isn't responding, either in sound or SCSI."
"Disable the card, Spock."
"I'm sorry, sir. It won't disable the SCSI without stopping
the sound card first. And it won't disable the sound card without
disabling the SCSI first."
"Captain, an enemy ship is approaching at 12 o'clock." "[Looks at
watch.] Good, that gives us a little more time to
debug these systems."
"No, sir. The ship is already upon us." "Uhura?"
"Scanning all frequencies, sir. I'm trying to get an image,
sir, but the system is awfully slow."
"Scotty, what's happening down there?"
"The engine is running smoothly, Captain, but the 16-bit GDI
can only process one console request at a time."
"See what you can do, Scotty. Spock?"
"It appears to be an IBM ship, Captain. Equipped with a Warp
[Impressive sound of Warp engine coming up to speed. OOhs and
Ahhs as crew gazes in the direction of enemy ship.]
"Put it on visual, Mr. Chekov."
[Louder OOhs and Ahhs.]
"Mr. Spock, the enemy ship is approaching fast. We need
"I'm sorry, Captain. The registry is not responding." "Bones?"
"I'm a doctor, not a beta tester!"
"Quick, Sulu, bring up the README.TXT file."
"Captain - it's gone. Some other task in the system must have
moved or changed it."
"Long-range scan, Chekov."
"I found it, Captain. Wait a minute. This README.TXT file is
for the game Land of Lore, with Patrick Stewart doing the voice of
"You've never heard of Patrick Stewart?" "No."
"Must be a generation gap."
"Captain, she canna take it much more. Another 15 sectors
and the engines'll burn up fer surrrrre."
"[Sigh.] Maintain power, Mr. Scott. Quick, Sulu, put us on
"Captain, I can't figure out how to change the color of the
"I'm a doctor, not the FORCE docs!!"
"Never mind. Find the screen saver. Spock, prepare to fire
"Captain, I've chosen the screen saver that says `Chicago is
COOL' but now I'm getting no response at the helm."
[BOOM as the enemy hits ship with photon torpedo, then large
zapping sound, then either the ship moves back and forth, or
sway left and right, depending on perspective. Sparks fly from
console, fires glare, indicating what would normally be
damage, yet will be fixed in just minutes.]
"Sulu, take evasive action; otherwise, it's certain doom!" "Aye,
Captain. It certainly is Doom and I don't mind
saying I'm getting awfully sick of this demo. Doom is one of the
stable games on the market and it runs under OS/2 with no problems
"We've got... to get... to the colonel. Uhura... notify...
the... colonel at Star Fleet."
"Captain, I think either communications are breaking up, or
you're dropping into melodramatic Shakespearean stammer mode
"Fascinating, Captain. It would seem that the needs of the
few have out-weighed the needs of the many."
"Scotty, get us out of here!"
"Sorry, Captain, the engine is no longer responding! We'll
have to do a hard boot to rrrrecover."
(o o) THE ORACLE SERVICE HUMOR MAILING LIST
Steven A. Willoughby From Temple Japan
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