WINDOWS 95 WILL HAVE THE COOLEST USERS EVER
REDMOND, WASHINGTON -- In order to calm growing impatience among PC
users concerning the repeated delays of its new Windows 95 operating
system, Microsoft Corporation announced what it calls the "Cool User
Program for Windows 95." To participate in this offer, a user pays
US$10,000 at which time he or she will be placed in a cryogenic
suspension. The user will then remain in a state of hibernation until
about a week before the Windows 95 ship date.
"We expect that the users will need a few days to recuperate and
acquaint themselves with the changes that will occur in society between
the onset of cold sleep and the release of Windows 95," explained a
Microsoft spokesman. These may include "the OJ Simpson trial ending,
another momentous Congressional election, faster-than-light travel and
possible leaps in human evolution."
Because Microsoft expects a large response to this offer, a vast area
will be needed for the storage facility. "We have chosen the state of
Utah," stated Microsoft,"because nobody lives there, anyway."
Spokespeople for Novell and Wordperfect were reached for comment on
this remark, but their words were not suitable for publication.
IBM corporation, which has previously responded to Microsoft promotions
with competing offers for their OS/2 Warp said they would not be
matching Microsoft's "Cool User" program. "Freeze people? What for?
Warp has already been shipping for months," said a source who asked not
to be identified.
Some industry analysts have wasted no time hailing Microsoft's plan as
a "bold, innovative" move. In columnist Michael S. Brown's opinion
column "M.S. Brown Knows" which appears in PC Weak, Brown claims,"IBM
has missed the boat again with their failing OS/2 strategy. Users
clearly want to be frozen in liquid Nitrogen and sealed in coffin-like
units for an indeterminate period of time." Michael S. Brown made
national headlines three years ago when he claimed that if "Windows NT
didn't completely replace DOS in six months" he would chain himself to
grating comedian Gilbert Godfried. Today he clarifies that "I didn't
say *which* six months."
The cryogenic facility in Utah is expected to be on line April 1, 1995,
but users wishing to beta test the system may do so for a reduced fee