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Synopsis: There are very few things in the world that make me consider suicide. I am generally a fairly optimistic person -- even though I often get depressed, in the end I always tend to remain forward-looking. Despite this, exactly three things had me reaching for the straight razor and a tall, warm bath: the news that Tom Green was dating Drew Barrymore; the news that Tom Green was apparently on a plateau high enough to appear on the venerable (and perhaps senile) Saturday Night Live; and the news that Tom Green had somehow managed to get a film pushed through and into production. Realising that the only way to beat your fears is to run away from them and never look back, I hastily did not attend the movie in question and further, bravely made the decision never to see it in my life. Thus, in the interests of objective reviewing, I've read a lot of reviews of this movie (at least the ones that had really funny quotes to attract my interest) and then decided to slap together the most half-assed piece of disinformation this side of the NSA.

In this movie, Tom Green lets his wing-wang hang out for an hour ninety minutes. Well no, apparently he doesn't (I didn't see this film, so he might have actually done this and the other reviewers are being too polite to notice), but I'm told that if he had, it would have been a jillion, zillion, tetraquillion times funnier than this piece of Green ("Henceforth, I command that all the shit in the land will be referred to as... Green!") Tom Green's style has almost always centred around a humour style slightly less humourous than public exposure of one's privates, and slightly more nauseating to watch. He generally violates trust wherever he goes in his show; and so in this movie, it seems, he tries to just violate you... wherever he goes.

Before writing this review, I was planning to do something to simulate going to this film, but I couldn't find a probe long enough, sharp enough or chilled to absolute zero.

Commentary: Remember when you hung around on the schoolyard and made jokes about your 'pee pee' and farted and thought it was funny? Remember how you grew out of that when you were six? Sound familiar Tom? SOUND FAMILIAR, TOM? NO? IT DOESN'T? WELL SCREW YOU, YOU FESTERING PIECE OF GREEN! I REMEMBER WHEN WE HAD MOVIES LIKE GHOSTBUSTERS! YES, IT HAD SLIME JOKES, BUT IT ALSO HAD BILL FSCKING MURRAY BEING FUNNIER WITH ONE EYEBROW TWITCH THAN YOU ARE WITH YOUR ****ING POTTED PLANTS AND LICKING YOUR ****ING FATHER'S FACE AND EATING ****ING **** FOR KICKS, JOHN WATERS ALREADY DID IT THREE ****ING TIMES BETTER THAN YOU, YOU MICRO-BRAINED PIECE OF GREEN AND HE HAD A POINT TO HIS GROSS-OUTS! YOU MAKE ME ****ING SICK! EAT GREEN AND DIE!

There. As you can see, objective and cool reviewing. The secret is to hide your emotions and let only cool logic flow from your fingers.

You know what I expect? In about, oh, three months Tom's going to get on the television and say 'hey guys, didn't you get it? This movie's really just a big joke... and you took it seriously. Hah hah'. Andy Kauffman could have gotten away with that... he had creative cachet, even if I'm not really a fan of his style. Tom Green has so little cachet that he tends to bounce reality checks.

Moments to Watch For

The fact that I can no longer even see the commercials for this film without flying into a rage and breaking all my furniture.

Recommended: TOM GREEN IS A BAD, BAD MAN!!!

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