| Schmaltz | 7 |
| Violence | 8 |
| Romance | 7 |
| Nudity and Sex | 1 |
| Plot | 6 |
| Buckets o' Blood | 7 |
| Terror | 6 |
Link in the Internet movie database
Synopsis: In a small, sleepy mining town, Sherif Sam Parker (Kari 'Sliiiiiideerrrssss' Wuhrer) keeps the peace while trying to be a good single mom to her two children, the brainy Mike Parker (Scott 'I'm Growing Up To Be Daredevil' Terra) and typical teener-angst Ashley Parker (Scarlett 'Whisper to the Horses, little girl' Johansson). The town is experiencing a bit of a depression, having gone from boom to bust as the local gold-mines were closed down, dry. An immense shopping mall had been built in this locale in its better days... just as the time of recession has hit. To make ends meet, the mayor of the town has been secretly having toxic waste dumped in the local environs (I understand that the 'Adopt a Barrel' program has done some great things for sleepy towns all across America). Naturally, the locals are all being pressured to sell their lands, because all movies like these must posit a threat from the Big City to Small Town Life.
Enter Chris McCormick (David 'Where Did I Go Wrong, God???' Arquette), an ex native who has returned with some unfinished business to settle. He's out to prove his father's claim of a big gold strike right and maybe, possibly confess something very personal to Sam, if only he can work up the nerve (and we all know that if Arquette has one strong point as an actor, it's extended working-up-the-nerve scenes).
But! One of those aforementioned barrels of toxic waste goes a travellin' into the local marsh, because when we're talking Giant Anything movies and there's barrels of Toxic Waste, you know that our Plot Complication is not going to come about as a result of leaking microwave ovens! Before you can say 'Them', Joshua Taft (Tom 'I was the most lovable Frankeinstein' Noonan), a local and creeeeeeeeepy! arachnophile scoops up some Toxificated crickets from the marsh and feeds them to his eight-legged friends, with predictable results - and if you've predicted that the spiders are all found dead and the rest of the movie follows Joshua's private grief in losing the only friends he's ever had... you need to see more Badfeelm.
The rest of the movie is fairly much by-the-numbers B-fare. The spiders take over the town. The townsfolk only slowly discover the threat. The characters have their sub-plots resolved. The evil get their comeuppance. The town makes a final stand. And we end on the Final Joke.
Commentary: If you've ever seen a monster movie, you've seen all of this before in some permutation. This film does absolutely nothing new... it's so absolutely mired in the genre in which it's found itself. This is not to say that this is a bad film, however, because where the movie actually manages to shine is in the characters. Director Ellory Elkayem is clearly having the time of his life and he brings the actors along for the ride. No one here turns in anything less than a perfect 'one hand over the top' performance in making this a frenetic movie about the sorts of strange characters who populate Littletown, USA. There's pure joy to be had when Harlan Griffith (Doug E. 'I Feel Very Olypic Today' Doug) is on the screen. Harlan runs the local pirate radio station to which everyone in town listens, and Harlan is a bona-fide conspiracy nut. Doug^2 delivers his lines with an outraged intensity that would have Agent Mulder expanding his range of investigation in a heartbeat, and makes it absolutely clear that he believes every word that he says. One of the treats of the film are those moments when he tries to fit the arachnids into his 'something is out there' philosophy, leading to a beautiful clash with Arquette, who can't quite understand how someone can believe in the existence of aliens but not giant spiders. And Harlan does raise a good point. What exactly does anal-probing gain a species advanced enough to cross the interstellar gulf?
It would have been nice had this movie done a bit more to distinguish itself from the genre, but for the most part this movie is going to please anyone who has enjoyed a little badfilm on a rainy Saturday afternoon. This film turns in a very solid performance and while arachnophobes need not apply, just about anyone else can have a blast watching the Common Man vs the Big, Hideous Spiders. The film knows exactly when to take its subject matter seriously and when to yuck it up. This kind of balancing act is quite rare in movies these days, and I certainly hope that Elkayhem goes on to write a few more genre films. For a first-time effort, this is quite a stand-out, and I look forward to seeing what happens when he hits his stride.
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