So, the previous message begged the question: Where? Has? Chris? Gone?
And it is well that you ask this, though many before you have also asked, and few have received an answer. For the answer you seek, it is blowing in the wind. The answer is blowing in the wind.
Aeons ago, in a distant galaxy...
...while fighting crime...
...in the jungles of Darkest Peru...
...under the secret tutilate of the Dali Lama himself, trained in the most deadly forms of pacifist martial arts of all...
...our hero...
...was not me.
No, while all of these amazing adventures have been going on around me, I've been enjoying a slightly more mundane, but still enjoyable, tale which I call...
And this is the tale of his terrible adventures!
"It's not that terrible."
"I mean it's terribly exciting."
"Oooh, yeah."
I began my saga on the sixth day of the sixth month of the sixth year since... well, six years ago. It was a portentious day, and perhaps I got the dates wrong, but if so bugger off for it takes portent to make a tale such as this so exciting. I began my quest to the strange and terrible land to the south--
"It's not that terrible either."
No, this time I mean terrible, pure and simple.
"Well, can't fault you there, carry on."
--known only as MALDEN! Er, the United States of America. I was wary of this land, for t'was known throughout mine that half a year prior, two chieftans fought tixt one another, seeking to lay claim to the rule of the land, and its people cast their runes at officially sanctioned rune-casting boxes, whereby through their wisdom, only one of the two chieftans would lay claim to all of the tribe's vast tracts of land, whilest the other would retire to his tent in disgrace, from where his manservant would book him 'pon a book tour junket, on which he would ride, into the sunset.
My first step in the journey was uneventful. For I sought employ at a modest place of learning; but t'was one which had within its walls a great cancerous evil and one which needed be excised afore there would be any peace in their fair lands. This beast had been granted the name of FileMaker Pro and its name was spoken of only in reverently hushed whispers, for t'was said that no man could master the creature, and it rose nightly to consume precious data before slinking back to its festering den in which it dreamed its black dreams of digesting more precious life fluid. Yea, of all the men in the land, only I sought to ride down and pit the strength of my Kung-Fu 'gainst this fell beast; and so I sought audience with this small cloister's Token Ring-Giver, who tested and quizzed me long into the midafternoon, whereupon I was sent back to my native lands to await word of whether I was found fit or foul.
It t'would seem that the grim-faced Crom smiled a rare smile upon me this day, for with gladdened heart was I summoned back to the land of the Cloisters and told that I had found there my new quest... my new purpose... and a beast, 'gainst which I would pit the strength of my thews with no hope of quarter gi'en nor asked. How'ere, little did I realise that e'en reaching my destination again would be a more perilous journey than the one I'd already undertaken...
I hailed from a land known as Canada. I sought my fortune in the lands to the south, like so many others before me. Still are spoken the names of Shatner, Thicke, Nelson, Green and Every Good Animator Disney Hath Ever Had. Little did I realise that my quest might be stopped before it e'en began! For I would be stopped by a brave yet corrupt sentry at the border between our lands and sent back home, my story not believed, for at that time I had not the proof of my Visa arrived. Knowing that the need was great, how'ere, I tried once more and found one less corrupt and swollen and glutted with power. T'was she who allowed my journey to continue, and though I know her not, I do raise a tankard to her memory.
I reached the lands which I sought; and in that place did I discover no lodgings to be had. Thus began...
It seemed I was fated to live nowhere and own nothing but for several kind and honourable friends; the same friends who had summoned me hence, and thus gave me lodging and room. But our hearts did grow desolate, for we all craved our space, yet knew there could be no cease of this till there were quarters ample enough for one. With fortunate winds came such a place, though, and after many a week I was able to take up my own residence.
And this brings us to the beginning and also to the end. For locked in battle am I with the beast and seek do I to tame him and bring him under the shackle and chain of MySQL and the fabled PHP. No more will he terrorize the land with his roars; for when he is bound, he will be bound to the service of those who felt his jaws clamp 'round their data. The fight draws on, though, and if you listen in the evening, whilest staring up at the pale and inconstant moon, you might hear the clang of fingers on keys and the distant wail as one or the other of us scores a blow. only one of us can win this contest. Only one of us can prevail. Each blow my tell soundly against the next... or the next... or the next...
Tune in next time, True Believers! And I'll update you on what happened during my seven month absence!
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