Over the past few years, I've acquired a taste for Chinese Buffet. It's a fast, cheap way to get your fix of crispy fried won-ton under plum sauce, and you don't have to fight with the waiter to get extra Sweet'n'Sour chicken balls. And I just visited one last night, for the first time in a long time. Which is where I encountered the social organism that is.. the standard Buffet Goer.
How To Pass Yourself Off As A Buffet-Zombie
(You can tell today isn't going to be a heavy blog, can't you?)
- Stare at the food. Stare at allll the nummy, steaming food. Never lift your eyes from it... if your eyes rise to the point where you can see your fellow human --
lower them immediately! Someone might notice! Though if they're all keeping their eyes down and staring at the food, maybe you can get away with breaking this one. Hmmm....
- Walk with slow, shuffling steps. Ideally, walk through waist-high snow-drifts for a few hours to get some practice. You want to move as if you're lining up to work a factory in
Metropolis (the film, not Superman's home town). Ideally, vultures should circle you as you move, thinking that you're ready to provide them with an all you can eat of their own!
- Your fellow human does not exist (see point 1). Move accordingly. Shuffle-step in front of other people. Block their motions with your bulk. Stand before one entree that everyone likes and stare at it as if you could see the MSG with your Ultra-Vision. If someone has a steaming hot plate and just wants to get back to his/her seat, get your sweet patootie in front of that fella and stand there for at least a full minute.
- If there's a dish that everyone likes and there's only a limited amount of it available, pile it all onto your plate, ignoring the glares of those about you. For bonus points, leave half of it untouched and toss that remainder away.
- Bring children. Bring lots of children. Bring whole strings of children. Bring a horde of children to run free 'mongst the plains. They will obey their own set of rules, so don't restrain them in any way whatsoever. For more bonus points, don't order for them -- just feed the waifs off of your plate.
- Eat like you're a barnyard animal feeding at a trough. Being a Zombie is hungry work -- why bother with table manners?
I hope that these tips will help you. Remember, only you can make a buffet a less livable place! The power is yours!
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