The RED DWARF Not Quite The FAQ FAQ!!!
(To Newbies: Please go and read the real FAQ before reading this load of
smeg.)
The Author would like to state that this is a tribute to (not a hack of)
the excellent (and updated!) FAQ!

What is RED DWARF?
  Red Dwarf is the name of a small country in Central America, whose chief
exports are novelty condoms, Talkie Toasters (tm) and jokes. Over 90% of
the BBC television comedy shows use jokes imported from Red Dwarf (so
named since embracing communism), thus reflecting their high qualities.
Other stations tend to rely on home grown jokes, which is reflected by
their poorer quality.

Where can I see RED DWARF in the United States?
  Your best bet is Jim's house. Just drop by sometime after 7:00. If Jim
isn't in, ask his mom, she knows where he keeps all of his Red Dwarf
stuff. You might want to call first, to make sure that they aren't eating
dinner, because if you drop by and they are, you might have to stay. If
she's making cabbage rolls, go for it, but avoid anything that has the
word 'surprise' in its name, or you might get a nasty one.

Where can I get videotapes of RED DWARF?
  Again, Jim is a good resource. But he's got a sense of misplaced
morality, so get yourself a high speed VHS copier, and distract him for a
few hours - the best was to do this is ask him about his complete time
line of Dwarf that clears up all the continuity errors using simple
Quantum Physic equations. 

Where can I get other RED DWARF merchandise?
     While it is currently impossible to buy anything to do with Red Dwarf
(because Mainland China is buying it all up as fast as it comes out in
order to corner the market), there is an excellent book on the market that
will help you make up for this deficit. Its called
_Red_Dwarf_On_Two_Pounds_A_Day_, and has the detailed directions for
building the famous 'Holly Hop Drive' (took me about three weeks, but
worth it!) or constructing a working Starbug out of Ice Lolly sticks.

Is there an episode guide for RED DWARF?
  No there isn't. You'll just have to watch them on your own. Why do you
need someone holding your hand while you watch the episode anyway? Wimps.

Did RED DWARF start on radio?
  Yes, it did. It was soon discovered that the special effects would look
much better on television, so the change-over was made. To this day, the
BBC is regretting its action, and has considered moving back to radio.

Is there an American version of RED DWARF?
  Yes. Its called _Star_Trek:Voyager_ and it usually airs Monday nights on
the Paramount station. 

Who is Grant Naylor?
  The American CIA and Canadian CSIS have been asking that very question
for almost four years now. If you have any information about this, or
other unsolved mysteries brought up in this FAQ, please phone
S-M-E-G-Y-O-U and ask for Buffy. Remember, only together can we answer
this question.

Where can I write to the cast and crew of the show?
  Paper is considered the accepted medium, but in some cases card stock
has also been used. Rare cases might involved writing on butcher's paper,
but I would advise against it. Tattooing your letter on the side of a
Jersey cow, while amusing at first, violates several 'good taste' acts (so
do it immediately)!

What does "smeg" mean?
     Well, an anagram of 'smeg' is 'gems'. Therefore, it must be a
euphemism for something. Sounds a bit rude, don't it? Sort of like...bum!
I'd tell you what it means, but then I'd have to shoot you.

 What are the lyrics to the theme song?
   This is a very Frequently asked question. Here is the first stanza. You
should be able to figure the rest out for yourself.

	Its Cold La La/There's No La of Atmosphere
	I'm All A la/ More or Less!
	Let me La far away from La/ Fun Fun Fun
	In the La La La/I want to La la la and la la la
	Drinking fresh la la la!/Goldfish la nipping at my la!
	

What does "LEVEL NIVELO" mean?
  This only comes into play if you are watching the show in public, say at
a convention or a special movie theatre style showing. Much as the
_Rocky_Horror_Picture_Show_ has certain responses that the crowd is
expected to do, so does Red Dwarf. Whenever you see LEVEL NIVELO, stand on
your chair, drop your pants and yell out "I'm feeling particularly sassy
today!" Stay like this until two nice fans take you away to a small room
with rubber walls.

What are some of the foods mentioned on the show?
  A very good question.

 "Poppadoms," are edible versions of the pom poms used by American
cheerleaders. That way, if the cheerleaders' team fails to win, they can
easily eat their words.

 "Chutney" is a fruit piccalilli (pickled relish), often eaten on popcorn,
especially if you want to impress a date while at the cinema.

A "pot noodle" was at one time available to the general public, but was
found to contravene too many articles of the Geneva convention, and was
thus taken off the market.

 A "Topic Bar" is something placed on a thread by irate news readers, also
known as a Kill. This 'bars' the news reader from reading the thread. If
someone moves the topic to a new thread (such as asking what a Topic Bar
is in a thread called What is... to get around the kill of the words Topic
Bar), then Flames (qv) are produced, resulting in a Hot Topic, which is
quite good with rum in it.
 
Why is Holly now a woman?  How did Kryten change?
  Look, do you have trouble coping with these little facets of modern
life? Can't you handle the idea that sometimes...people just want to
be...free to express their inner woman? I mean...don't you sometimes just
wish that you could run to your friend's closet, and put on a nice, frilly
dress...in a world where no one would have you for...
  *Ahem*. Sorry about that. Had one of my spells.

What happened to the Red Dwarf and Holly?
  No one knows. They have been put on milk cartons, so if you spot either
of them, give the Bureau of Missing Persons a call.

Was Craig Charles in court?
  Unfortunately yes, he was wrongly accused of traffic violation and given
the electric chair. Just goes to show - do NOT park in the area designated
Handicap Only!

Will there be a season seven?
  Most definitely. There are some slight logistic problems, however. Now
that's Charles has been executed, the BBC has had to bring him back as a
holographic replacement. This has caused some bad blood with Chris Barrie,
who has to be switched off every time Charles is in use. Suffice to say,
the two will do most of their interacting with either Danny John-Jules or
Robert.
  Good news, though. Microsoftee has announced that it is working on
Hologram 95, which will allow real time task sharing. Unfortunately, the
95 in the name reflects development time, in years. A prototype has been
tried, but it just kept crashing and doing nothing, which has lead some
people to say that it is already a big improvement over the previous
model.

Should I post RED DWARF graphic images or sounds?
  Yes. The proper group to post them to is rec.redneckism.I.hate.you.
You'll find yourself _warmly_ welcomed there. Don't ask first, just post.
They love surprises.

Are there RED DWARF magazines?
  Yes, but mainland China's got them all.

Is there a RED DWARF computer game?
  There is. Its known as Better Than Life. You just plug yourself into it,
and suddenly, you're in the Red Dwarf universe. You may be asking, why is
this better than life? Because, let's face facts. ANYTHING's better than
this life!

Has RED DWARF won any awards?
  Yes. Most Gratuitous Use Of A Moose In A Comical Show springs
immediately to mind, as well as Most Fake Bananas In One Episode. Go
Dwarf!!!

What are the Space Corps Directives?
  There is just one: Space Corps Directive #3 (confuses the hell(tm) out
of people, this does!) - In The Event That Someone Posts a Pyramid Scheme
to A News group, Large Volumes of Boiling Oil Should Be Prepared. 

FAQ List credits
  I would like to thank the author of the real FAQ, which I found
indispensible when I first signed on. This is dedicated to you.
  I'd also like to thank my friend Megan, for no real reason other than so
she can get her name on the internet.
  Finally, I'd like to thank my good taste, for taking a quick vacation.

How to find the latest version of this list
  Jim will have it. Ask him when he doesn't have a bowling night.

Copyright notice
  All right. Confession time. Did you notice that it was copyright? Well
this is your chance to Notice the Copyright. (Actually, I don't care if
this is disseminated...not that anyone would actually want to!)
-Chris