Dave Presents: The Eroticons!

The Eroticons

   On June 21, 2004, the webcomic Penny Arcade dealt with the Transformers PS2 game. In this strip, they introduced the idea of the Eroticons, and left the gory details of them to the reader's imagination. Naturally, I took this as a challenge.

   I decided to make it an AllSpark Art Challenge, but given the family-friendly nature of that site, I knew I had to keep things toned down to avoid locked topics (and the topic got locked ANYWAY). No one rose to the bait, though, and I was left to make up all five members of the team on my own. One limitation I placed on myself was to be no worse than PG, imply rather than show, use the feather rather than the whole chicken. That sort of thing. I also decided not to make the altmodes into sex toys, as that struck me as being Too Easy. Here are the results (I rewrote Lockup's techspec, it's not the same as the one I posted to the AllSpark). Click on the name to get a picture.


    In an attempt to tap into VECTOR SIGMA via an Earth-Based computer network, MEGATRON found he had gotten what he wanted...more or less. He had the sparks for a new combiner team, but they had been altered by passing through server farms that normally carried sexual content. Still, despite their odd human taint, they seemed powerful and obedient enough for MEGATRON's needs, and the EROTICONS have faithfully served the DECEPTICON cause to this day. The fact that they creep out more than a few humans and AUTOBOTS is merely icing on the cake.

DECEPTICON: LOCKUP
Subgroup: Eroticons
Altmode: Prisoner Transport Van
Function: Eroticon Commander
Combiner Part: Torso/Head
Fetish: Bondage
Motto: "Looks like you're a bit tied up right now, I'll come back later."

LOCKUP is the glue that holds the Eroticons together. Or maybe he's the metallic straps that bind them together. Either way, he's the literal and figurative heart of the team. As a prisoner transport van, he enjoys locking up random humans and seeing their panicked expressions. He also sometimes impersonates a real prison transport van and collects criminals for use in one of MEGATRON's plans. In robot mode he tends to rely on his nearly unbreakable metal straps to bind enemies, but he can project hot and cold laser beams from his shoulder sirens if unable to reach an opponent. His legs feature subspace gateways that can be used to imprison smaller targets (such as humans or Mini-Cons) in a null space pocket.

STR: 9 OOOOOOOOOO     INT: 7 OOOOOOOOOO
SPD: 5 OOOOOOOOOO     END: 8 OOOOOOOOOO
RNK: 8 OOOOOOOOOO     COUR: 9 OOOOOOOOOO
FRB: 4 OOOOOOOOOO     SKL: 7 OOOOOOOOOO
Avg 7.125

DECEPTICON: LASH
Subgroup: Eroticons
Altmode: Cobra
Function: Drill Instructor
Combiner Part: Right Arm
Fetish: Discipline
Motto: "Let's see if I can't whip you sorry Decepticons into shape!"

LASH sometimes feels awkward being the only beastformer among the Eroticons, and often spends time away from them at DECEPTICON training camps, working with raw recruits. At least, that's the reason he gives outsiders for leaving the group so often. In truth, being a beastformer among mechformers doesn't bother him at all. Rather, it is his dual-gendered nature. He has strong masculine and feminine traits in his programming, but he tends to keep his femme side repressed and presents himself as male. The other Eroticons know the truth, and encourage him to be more open about it, but respect his wishes. LASH's main weapon is his mighty tail, which can smash through several inches of armor plate, especially when he has the leverage of RIBALDIGUS behind him. He also carries an venom pistol that can project a corrosive stream of organic chemicals.

STR: 6 OOOOOOOOOO     INT: 7 OOOOOOOOOO
SPD: 7 OOOOOOOOOO     END: 6 OOOOOOOOOO
RNK: 7 OOOOOOOOOO     COUR: 7 OOOOOOOOOO
FRB: 7 OOOOOOOOOO     SKL: 8 OOOOOOOOOO
Avg 6.875

DECEPTICON: SKEET
Subgroup: Eroticons
Altmode: Fighter Jet (wide-bodied mod of the Eurofighter, more or less)
Function: Decoy
Combiner Part: Left Arm
Fetish: Masochism
Motto: "It hurts so good."

SKEET's diagnostic sensors have a crossed wire in them somewhere, and he never feels better than when he's in pain. Thus, despite armor that is very heavy for an aerial mode, SKEET usually ends up heavily damaged in every conflict. On the other hand, the fact that pain doesn't deter him makes him a very effective shocktrooper, flying into a hail of enemy fire with a smile on his face. In robot mode, he can reverse his jets to fire blasts of intense thrust that both melt his opponents and slam them away from him. As a fighter jet, he relies on ramming tactics nine times out of ten. LOCKUP has had to make sure that SKEET's combination circuits are exceptionally well armored, so that SKEET's proclivities don't take RIBALDIGUS out of the fight.

STR: 9 OOOOOOOOOO     INT: 7 OOOOOOOOOO
SPD: 5 OOOOOOOOOO     END: 8 OOOOOOOOOO
RNK: 8 OOOOOOOOOO     COUR: 9 OOOOOOOOOO
FRB: 4 OOOOOOOOOO     SKL: 7 OOOOOOOOOO
Avg 7.125

DECEPTICON: AUGER
Subgroup: Eroticons
Altmode: Drill Tank
Function: Maintenance, Exploration
Combiner Part: Right Leg
Fetish: French Maid
Motto: "I will jus' clean zis up, oui?"

While not a mechanical genius like SOUNDWAVE, AUGER is adequate to the task of maintaining the EROTICONS' underground base and repairing most of the damage the team suffers. She has offered to repair SKEET's defective diagnostic system, only to be rebuffed. She has an innate sense of order and tidiness that attracts her to LASH. Her main weapon in robot mode is an Energon "duster" that can strip an inch-thick layer from the surface of anything she desires. As a drill tank, she can travel thought bedrock at up to 20 miles per hour, and she excavated most of the team's base herself. She gets along well with her teammates, although if SKEET says, "AUGER? I 'ardly KNOW 'er!" one more time, she may find a way to hurt him in a way he DOESN'T enjoy.

STR: 7 OOOOOOOOOO     INT: 7 OOOOOOOOOO
SPD: 4 OOOOOOOOOO     END: 8 OOOOOOOOOO
RNK: 6 OOOOOOOOOO     COUR: 7 OOOOOOOOOO
FRB: 6 OOOOOOOOOO     SKL: 7 OOOOOOOOOO
Avg 6.5

DECEPTICON: STRAND
Subgroup: Eroticons
Altmode: Formula 1 racer
Function: Recon
Combiner Part: Left Leg
Fetish: Big Hair
Motto: "You'll always come in second to me!"

STRAND has something of an inferiority complex. While her Energon hair makes for a powerful and versatile weapon, she feels like there's nothing she does better than anyone else among the EROTICONS. She can't bind people up as well as LOCKUP, she can't whip them harder than LASH, she's not as fast as SKEET, and she's not as sexy as AUGER (at least, in her own mind). As a result, she's always trying to prove herself against her enemies...if she can't be as good as any of her friends, she can at least be better than anyone who isn't an EROTICON! This leads her to take reckless chances in combat, especially when she runs into a heavy AUTOBOT presence while out on her recon duties. Her Energon hair can be projected in either mode, and has both offensive and defensive capabilities. In robot mode, she can also project lasers from her chest with a range of several miles on a clear day. Oddly, this makes her the best ranged combatant of the team, but her inferiority complex is too deep-seated for her to realize this.

STR: 6 OOOOOOOOOO     INT: 6 OOOOOOOOOO
SPD: 8 OOOOOOOOOO     END: 7 OOOOOOOOOO
RNK: 6 OOOOOOOOOO     COUR: 8 OOOOOOOOOO
FRB: 8 OOOOOOOOOO     SKL: 7 OOOOOOOOOO
Avg 7

DECEPTICON: RIBALDIGUS (Pencils only)
Subgroup: Eroticons
Altmode: None
Function: Super Warrior
Combiner Part: All
Fetish: Polyamory (okay, not really a fetish per se, but work with me here)
Motto: "All together now!"

RIBALDIGUS is one of the more balanced Super Warriors, especially considering the oddities exhibited by his components. The only Super Warrior with equal parts male and female gender identity, his personality is actually quite strongly influenced by LASH, for whom this state is normal. His primary weapon is LASH's tail, although he can also use LOCKUP's thermolasers or convert his left hand to fire SKEET's thrusters. STRAND's Energon hair can be used by RIBALDIGUS, but as it comes from his shin it can be a bit awkward to put into play. Due to the way she connects, AUGER's drill cannot be used in combined mode. RIBALDIGUS quite enjoys being combined, to an extent that makes his DECEPTICON allies a bit uneasy. MEGATRON often has to order them to separate when energy runs low or subtlety is called for.

STR: 10 OOOOOOOOOO     INT: 6 OOOOOOOOOO
SPD: 6 OOOOOOOOOO     END: 10 OOOOOOOOOO
RNK: 7 OOOOOOOOOO     COUR: 9 OOOOOOOOOO
FRB: 8 OOOOOOOOOO     SKL: 8 OOOOOOOOOO
Avg 7.75

   A note on the naming of the Super Warrior. "Ribald" means, more or less, sexually naughty without being too revealing or vulgar. "Baldigus" is one of the many ways (Vuldigus, Bardigus, Verdigris, Sue) of romanizing the name of the Bruticus-recolor seen in Car Robots (which was slightly recolored and named Ruination for Robots in Disguise).

   Oh, and the stuff in Ribaldigus's mouth is Kirby Krackle. Energy effect.


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