When we left our hero, he was roughly thirty feet in the air as the result of a misfiring hydraulic jack putting him there during a fight with Lo Gan, one of Li Ning's minions. And to make things even worse, a van full of Triads had just pulled onto the set in pursuit of the stunt car... and they weren't firing blanks. So, you'll understand if the star of this series is a little reluctant to begin the latest episode. It certainly doesn't start with him in a very pleasant situation. Not to mention, we have to put him back in that nasty position at the start of this episode, which involves another somewhat painful launch. As a result, it is necessary to convince the star to start the scene, and, ah, pry him off the post he's wrapped himself around. All rather unprofessional of him, I might add. While a crowbar is fetched, we present light entertainment in the form of: The Top Ten Things To Do With A Hydraulic Ram Other Than Put Jack Into The Air (Apologies to Rob Rogers for stealing his gag) 10: Gently nudge Bulletproof to the side so you can get to the phone he's standing in front of 9: Launch yourself into the air to flee an annoyed Bulletproof 8: Practice safe-catching (not recommended for normalguys) 7: Fling the garbage out on cold days 6: Place under your bed for the world's most effective alarm clock 5: Place under the welcome mat to deter Jehovah's Witnesses and persistent Canadian Authors 4: Market it as a new piece of exercise equipment for firming abs 3: Fling Superguy stories into the landfill 2: Fling Superguy Authors into the landfill And the Number One Thing To Do With A Hydraulic Ram.... 1: Sell it to Cantata for use against Wayne Thank you. Maybe next episode's teaser will be funny. And now.... ============================================================================= CRAZYPL LOTCRA AZYPLOT .|, COHERENT COMICS PRESENTS CRAZYP OTCR ZYPLOT ---X-------------------------------- CRAZYPLOTCRA OTCR LOTCRAZYPLOT '|` CRAZYPLOT LOTCR AZYPLOT CRAZYPLOT LOTCR LO ZYPLOT 36 CRAZY PLOTS CRAZYPLOTCRA OTCR LO ZYPLOT #3 - First Plot: Protection Racket CRAZYP OTCR LO ZYPLOT by the Dvandroid CRAZYPL LOTCRA AZYPLOT CRAZYPLOTCRAZYPLOTCRAZYPLOTCRAZYPLOT (copyright 1996 by Dave Van Domelen) ============================================================================= Everyone dreams of flying at one point or another in their lives. A few lucky souls become superguys with the power of flight and can have a chance to live that dream. Others try to capture it via skydiving or hang gliding. Still others never bring the dream into reality. Then there's the people who would probably rather have stayed on the ground but were tossed into the air by a misfiring piece of stunt equipment. Like, oh, Jack. For a moment no one noticed him. And who could blame them? After all, a van full of Triads was firing machineguns in all directions, which tends to make people hit the dirt rather than look up. And so, Jack had a few seconds of privacy as he pinwheeled through the air trying desperately not to lose his lunch. But, just as all good things must come to an end, so must all not-so- good-but-better-than-being-shot-at things. "Look! It's a guy in a mask! Gun 'im!" shouted Pei Dou, answering the question of whether the van was full of real Triads or stuntmen dressed up as Triads so as to fake out any real Triads who...oh, never mind. You get the idea, right? On with the shooting. Jack immediately stopped trying to right himself in the air and went back to mad pinwheeling and butterfly-like fluttering. Students of physics learn that the center of mass of an object in freefall will follow a ballistic path unless an external force (like, say, a bullet) is applied, but to look at Jack you wouldn't believe that for a second. Still, there was only so much he could do in mid-air, despite his amazing hang time, and the gunmen were starting to pay more and more attention to him, out of frustration if nothing else. Suddenly, two things happened at once. First, Jack pulled out his magic staff, which he'd been keeping in his leather wristguard, and extended it to about 20 meters in length, pushing himself sideways through the window of one of the buildings along the Chinatown street. With a slow-motion crash he broke through the non-stunt window (OW!), untempered glass cutting long red slices into his back and legs where he hit. Second, one of the charges Lo Gan planted before Jack found him went off. And wouldn't you know it, it was right next to the van full of Pei Man's men. And everyone in the van was so startled by Jack's sudden exit that they didn't notice the explosion until it was too late (yeah, like anyone short of Relativity Woman can notice an explosion as it's happening and be able to do anything about it). Boom. Cue one rolling, flaming van full of cursing Triads. And then things got strange. A gold Lamborghini Diablo (which had moments before been in front of the van and getting chased) pulled up behind the van and screeched to a stop. The wing-like door swung up and Jimmy Rip stepped out, dressed in an outfit just like Jack's, minus the mask. "Now we send your boss a message," he said grimly as he tied a red silk mask around his eyes and posed heroically. Then, before any Triads could recover enough to shoot at him, he ran for his life and disappeared behind cover. At this point it's worth noting that cameras have been rolling the entire time. This IS a movie set, after all. A moment later, Jack emerged from the ground floor of the building he'd crashed into, a little old Chinese woman berating him and bashing him in the head with a broom for breaking her windows. Most of his injuries had already healed, although he was still kind of bloody. He looked at the dozen armed Triads pouring out of the upended van, then back at the old lady. He ran into the midst of the Triads. "Steel Finger of Moe!" he shouted, poking two goons in the eyes and causing them to reel back and drop their firearms. Then he ducked a swipe of the old lady's broom, just in time for a bullet to whiz overhead and strike one of the shooter's allies. Serially Numbered Triad Goon 4 swung his rifle butt in an attempt to stave in Jack's head, being smart enough to not even try firing it. "Bow to the king!" Jack shouted, bowing down with his hands over his head, blocking the strike. Before 4 could pull back, Jack grabbed the rifle and wrested it away, swinging it around in a wide arc that knocked several nameless thugs back. Tossing the rifle aside, Jack leapt into a handstand and started to kick in all directions. "Silly Walk Of A Thousand Steps!" he shouted as goons flew in every which way, only to be replaced by more goons which were finally pulling themselves out of the van. Then Pei Dou strode up with an M-60 in his hands and just started shooting. Blood flew everywhere as his own men were cut down, but it had the desired effect. Jack jerked like a puppet in the hands of a small child as the bullets tore into his body. There was a deafening silence when Dou stopped shooting. The moans of his injured little brothers were too faint to be heard over the pounding blood in Dou's ears. It had been messy, but so much the better to make an example. And there were always more young punks eager to join the Triads as a way out of poverty...most got out of poverty the same way this batch had, of course. By moving on to the next life. Dou turned and saw the cameramen filming from behind barriers of bulletproof glass. He'd have to take the film, or they'd have proof to give to the cops. Then he heard a noise behind him as his hearing slowly returned to normal. "You...kaff...missed," came the ragged voice behind him. Dou whirled to see Jack spit a gob of blood out of his mouth as he stood. This wasn't happening! Dou couldn't believe it! "You too shall be honored. Boot to the head!" And Dou's world went black. * * * * When Dou woke up, he knew immediately he was tied to a chair. It wasn't the first time it had happened to him. He tried to fake still being out as he listened to the conversation. "...hey, Chow did it in _Full Contact_," protested one voice, which sounded American. "C'mon, that was obviously a cheesy add-on scene made to give the audience a happy ending and keep the sequel possibilities open...if Woo'd been directing, the guy wouldn't have gotten up and rode out of there," replied another American voice. "Oh yeah, and then we'd have had a twin brother or something in _Full Contact 2_ I suppose." "Hey! _Better Tomorrow 2_ wasn't Woo's fault...oh, Jack! There you are. How the HELL(TM) did you survive that? I mean, we were expecting them and all that, but I don't see how you could have fit body armor AND blood packs under that silk vest without it showing." "I'll tell you later," came an oddly Australian-sounding voice, which Dou instantly recognized as the one which came out of the mouth of the guy he'd killed...or tried to. "Our friend here's awake, and I wouldn't want to give away trade secrets." Dou dropped the act and came to full attention. His head still hurt quite a bit from that kick, but he wasn't about to let them see that. "I guess you're going to torture me or something, right? That IS why you didn't turn me over to the cops or let me go. Well, it won't work. I was in Vietnam back in '79, and there's nothing you can do to me I haven't already gone through as a POW." Dou didn't bother to add that he had been a prisoner of his own side, after being caught selling weapons to the Vietnamese on the sly. Jack smiled as he wiped some dried blood from his cheek. "Oh, I wouldn't dream of causing pain to you in order to get information about Pei Man's whereabouts...that would be wrong. You'll tell me with a smile." Dou spat at Jack, who caught the spittle in mid-air and flicked it back in Dou's face. "You've got good moves," Dou replied, "and you must've had some really good bodyarmor back there, but my brother'll eat you alive and feed the tougher bits to his dogs. You're crazy if you think I'll talk." Jack just grinned, and Dou had to suppress a shudder. He'd seen his brother grin like that before, and what happened afterwards was never too pleasant to look at. "I said you'd smile, and I meant it. Did you know that there are fifteen spots on the human body which are so ticklish when touched JUST right that a man can be incapacitated with laughter? Have you ever laughed so hard you snapped tendons in your gut?" "I once laughed so hard milk came up my nose," one of the men in the background said as menacingly as he could manage (which wasn't very). Jack just LOOKED at the man, then turned back to Dou. "Fortunately for you, I only learned six of those points. Unfortunately for you, no man has ever endured past the third one." Dou sweated. He'd always been especially ticklish. But Jack could have been bluffing. But maybe not. "The first point is right at the base of the skull, on the nape of the neck..." Jack said as he moved around behind Dou. Dou cracked. "All right, all right! I'll talk! Just don't tickle me to death! You can find Pei's main hideout in the Yellow Pages under 'Triad Bosses - Hideouts.'" The silence was punctuated by the sharp crack of Steve slapping his forehead. * * * * Jack let his fingers do the walking as he crept along the narrow ledge outside Pei Man's fortress-like condominium complex. Walking on fingertips was the only way to avoid the sensor wires crisscrossing the ledge. When he'd reached the window he wanted, he arched into a backflip that sent him smashing through the tempered glass window (thanks to the spikes on his heels) and into Pei Man's private office. A spinning side kick from Man almost sent him flying back out the window. Jack slammed into the wall and snapped back onto his feet, rubbing the place on his chest where the kick had landed. "So, you're the new hero who's been trying to interfere with my business operations, eh?" Man sneered as he tied his long grey hair back with a white ribbon. "Dou said he could take care of you...but I guess he didn't. That brother of mine is such a disappointment..." Man tsked as he pulled a flexible whipsword out of a panel on his desk and advanced on Jack. Jack dropped below the first slash of the metal ribbons, chips of wood from the paneling showering him as he slid between Man's legs and tried to throw the older man. Er, Man. Whatever. The cagey big brother leapt up out of Jack's grasp and slammed one foot down on Jack's left thigh, nearly breaking the bone. Jack winced with pain and rolled out of the way of a downward slash that tore up the elegant carpeting. Then he stopped as the spikes on his heels caught on the weave of the rug, trapping him for a moment. The whipsword came slashing down, ready to eviscerate Jack. Quickly, he pulled a slim red and gold rod from his wristguard and shook it once. The rod extended to become a two meter long metal staff, and the blades of the whipsword wrapped around it with a jangling sound like a dozen sawblades being dropped. Then, instead of trying to pull the whipsword away like Pei Man expected, Jack shoved the staff towards his foe and shook it again. It was suddenly the size of a tree trunk and Man was trapped under its weight. "Go on, then, kill me," Man hissed as his ribs started to groan from the pressure on them. "You won't live another day." "No. I don't want you dead, I just want you to stop trying to involve my friends in your stupid gang wars. You owe me your life now, I want you to resolve your territory differences with Li Ning with words, not guns or bombs. The studio will pay protection to whichever you two agree on, but not to both." It wasn't true justice, but it was about as close as Jack felt he was likely to get in one day's work. "Do you swear on your honor that you will do this?" Fire burned in Pei Man's eyes, but he nodded agreement, no longer having breath to speak with. "Good," Jack said, reducing the staff to normal size and throwing the whipsword aside. "I'll be watching," he said as he pole-vaulted out the window. Which would have been a LOT more impressive overall if he hadn't landed in a dumpster full of last night's dinner waste.... WILL PEI MAN KEEP HIS WORD? WILL JACK BE ALLOWED INTO HIS BUILDING LIKE THIS, CONSIDERING THE "KIM CHEE INCIDENT" OF EPISODE 1? WILL ANY OF THE SUPPORTING CAST SURVIVE THE NEXT CRAZY PLOT? AND WHAT ABOUT SCARECROW'S BRAIN? SOME OF THIS AND MORE, ONLY ON...S U P E R G U Y ! (And RACC. And my homepage. But you get the idea.) Author's Notes: I took a few ideas for this from _Half A Loaf Of Kung Fu,_ a 1978 Jackie Chan movie I just got around to watching today. The opening credits alone are worth renting or borrowing the movie if you've seen any other kung fu/swordplay movies of that era. Oh, and the reference to _Full Contact_ refers to the rather hard to swallow (even by Hong Kong actioner standards) happy ending of that movie. You have to see it to believe it. The other reference, to _A Better Tomorrow 2_, refers to the fact that while Chow Yun Fat's character was killed in _A Better Tomorrow_, the actor returned in ABT 2 as the other character's twin brother or something. Kinda ironic, considering that Chow got his start in soaps...it was certainly a stereotypical soap opera plot device.