Hundreds of thousands of Earth years ago (which works out to, well, hundreds of thousands of Martian years as well, as long as we're being vague, just not as many hundreds), squirrels ruled the lush and moist lands of Mars. Yes, it was cold, but that's what the Maker had given them fur for, yes? The Red race had built a civilization on the northern continent while, according to Red lore, the Greys lived in relative savagery on the more pleasant equatorial continent. The Reds eventually sailed across the World Sea to bring the Greys up to their own level of civilization, as well as to help reap the resources of the equatorial continent. But the Greys resented the Reds, envied their technology and spurned their philosophy. Many rebellions arose, and eventually the Greys were largely enslaved, prisoners of wars they themselves started. The Reds were fair masters, but the Greys repaid this fairness with more revolt, and eventually the Reds grew weary of the whole affair and returned to the north, leaving the savages to their own devices. This was a mistake. The ungrateful Greys turned to more warlike technologies and brought their wars to the entire planet. They created the deformed warrior race of the Greens to help fight their wars of aggression, but soon the Greens turned on them and formed their own nation on captured portions of both continents. Perhaps eventually the savage races would have matured and learned to live with the more civilized Reds, if it had not been for the fateful development of the Oxidation Bomb. Jonkatta paused in his historical musings to look out again on the rusted, dry surface of Mars. Once it had been green and beautiful, but the Greys didn't count on the power of their own weapons...now the world was dry, rusted and dead. With much of the oxygen now locked up in the rusted soil, survival became almost impossible for the Reds and Greys, and escape became a priority. All of the Greys and most of the Reds fled to the only other planet in the system capable of supporting their kind of life...even though it was beastly hot. But legends passed down through the times of barbarism on the new world told of a colony of Reds who found another escape, into the interior of Mars. Thanks to the humans discovering the technology that the Reds had long ago lost on Earth, his leaders had managed to contact this mythical lost tribe of Reds, and the secret of their escape was even more astonishing than the legends had said. The buggy rolled to a stop in front of a shimmering portal carved into the side of the ravine. His ancient kinsmen had not merely burrowed into the ground, they had found a way into a strange world where reality was turned inside out...a hollow world where the Sun was in the center of the world and daylight always held sway. Jonkatta urged his almost-depleted conveyance forwards into the portal, and the world around him exploded in a crazy twisting of the senses.... Coherent Comics UnInc. Presents: ___ __ __ ___ _ _ ___ _ _ _ _ CRAZY GUY #24 / '/ | / | / \/ / ' / / \/ "What Would Fonzie Do?" / /--' /--| / / / __ / / / copyright 1998 Dave Van Domelen `___ / | / |/__ _/ `__/ \__/ _/ ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ Jack's eyes flickered nervously between the two jade statues as the alarm klaxons blared in the background. "Jack? What's wrong? Isn't it here?" Ben Sidhe asked. "Yeah, right there," Jack replied, pointing at the Second Brother. "The statue I was hired to recover for Mr. Upton." Ben Sidhe cocked her head in mild confusion. "So? Take it and let's go!" "But...I also need to get that other statue for Jonesy," Jack shifted the angle of his arm to point at the Third Brother. "I dinnae see a problem here, ye daft man! Grab both!" Jack shook his head, almost dislodging Louie. "Nonono! The one on the left I *know* is stolen, so there's nothing wrong about stealing it back for its owner. But for all I know, the one on the right could be the only piece of art in the entire building that isn't stolen, not to mention I have no idea who it might be stolen from! Stealing it back would be wrong!" Louie looked nervously over Jack's shoulder. "Er, Jack, I don't mean ta be a wet blanket, but any second now somethin' really nasty's gonna happen *all* over us. Just take the damn statue and sort out the ethical dilemma later. Besides, ya never worried about stealing cars, motorcycles and other very doomed modes a' transportation which ya inevit'bly destroyed." "Hey, I was running for my life, it's not the same thing." "Were ye running for yuir life when ye stole Vector's car?" Ben Sidhe interjected with an air of exasperation. "Chase scenes have different codes of behavior, and...HEY! How do you know about Vector?" Ben Sidhe sighed. "I hired him tae test yuir weaknesses, okay? Now stop yuir dithering and let's GO!" Jack shook his head and tried to shut out the blaring of the alarms. "No, I gotta work this out...what would Fonzie do?" He started muttering to himself under his breath, the dubbing turning this into "roobaroobarooba" sounds. Ben Sidhe shot Louie a confused look. "The kid got his ethical system from watchin' 60s and 70s TV shows. Hey, don't blame me, I'm just th' adorable animal sidekick," Louie shrugged. "I got it!" Jack shouted, grabbing the Second Brother. "We'll come back tomorrow for the other statue. I'll disguise myself as an elegant southern gentleman and try to buy the statue from the man who owns this place. And if he won't sell, I can weasel an admission out of him that it's stolen, so I can take it from him in the wacky chase that ensues after my fake mustache falls into my cocktail!" "WHAT?" Ben Sidhe and Louie gasped in unison. "Trust me, it's a flawless plan! Now let's get out of here!" Jack yelled, running from the vault with Louie hanging on for dear life. Ben Sidhe paused for a moment, with a sort of "why me, God/maybe I should have made sure he was dead" look on her face, then grabbed the Third Brother and stuffed it into her beltpack as she ran out. * * * * One good thing can be said about having already tripped half the alarms in a building...you no longer need to be subtle about finding a way out. After all, what's the worst that can happen? That they become MORE aware of your presence? "Yuir lost, aren't ye?" Ben Sidhe asked as she followed Jack around yet another corner while running from the gun-toting goons who had finally materialized. "Well, I can't exactly stop to look at a map or ask for directions, can I?" Jack called back over his shoulder as he kept running. "Wait, we came in that way, I recognize the laser grid...this way!" They started to run towards the hall, when Louie loudly squeaked, "HOLD IT!" Jack and Ben Sidhe skidded to a halt. "What?" they asked in unison. "I smell ozone. Someone turned up those lasers," Louie said. Jack looked around and grabbed a candle from one of the small tables lining the hallway. He tossed it into the corridor. It vanished in a puff of smoke and a splatter of hot wax. "Anyone wanna bet all the other ways out gots zapguns on 'em?" Louie asked. "Sucker bet," Jack replied, pulling his shrunken staff out from his wristband. "Back up everyone, I'm making a new exit...gonna be a little harder to come back later, but oh well." At his command, the staff grew to normal size. Then to twice normal size. Then it smashed through the ceiling as it grew to the size of a treetrunk. By the time it had grown to be as large as one of the pillars of the Parthenon, Jack had let go and it was falling through the house, smashing floors, walls and anything else in the way. As mentioned earlier, subtlety is not necessary. "Go!" Jack shouted, running out along the staff as it started to sink further into the relatively soft ground. Ben Sidhe followed him, and not a moment too late, as the ceiling collapsed behind her. Once they were out on the grounds, Jack commanded the staff to shrink back to the size of a needle, and put it away. "How big does tha' get, anyway?" Ben Sidhe asked as they ran for the compound wall under the the waning light of the setting moon. "Now that's a rather personal question," he replied, grinning as he ducked an anticipated smack upside the head. This was fortunate, since a bullet whizzed through the space his head would otherwise have occupied. "Yipe! Car's this way!" he yelled as he ran faster. * * * * The moon had now set, and the world was defined by the headlights of Jack's car, the not-as-distant-as-he-would-like lights of the cars chasing him, and the occasional muzzleflash. It was a world of constant surprises for one who didn't know the road very well, as sharp turns and sheer drops would reveal themselves too quickly for a sane driver to avoid them. Fortunately, Jack was not a sane driver by any definition of the word. Not that this bothered him, given the rather deadly meaning of the term given at the end of the last paragraph. Louie, having tried on the seat belt and found it wanting, was busily burrowing into the rear seat cushions. After the incident with the rocket car [see episode 22 - Ed.] he was disenchanted with the concept of being thrown free in an accident. "What's your name?" Jack shouted, over the roar of the Mitsubishi's engine and the staccato crackle of gunfire. "Eh? Why's tha' import...look out!" Ben Sidhe shouted, pointing at a car parked by the side of the road. Probably tourists out enjoying the late night view...or not paying any attention to the view at all. Jack hauled the steering wheel hard to one side, and the car screeched up onto just the left side wheels, the right wheels bumping lightly across the roof of the parked car before slamming back to the road surface. After he steadied the car, Jack replied, "Well, I'll probably survive this, but if I get you killed, the least I can do is notify your next of kin." "How *verra* considerate o' ye," Ben Sidhe said, her voice dripping with sarcasm [Editor's note: is sarcasm a liquid? Is it possible to freeze it for shipment as solid sarcasm? Do sarcastic people need sarcasm bibs?]. She sighed. "Mairi. Mairi Wynn. How do I get m'self intae these situations?" she asked herself. Louie poked his head out from the seat cushion. "Well, foist ya try ta kill a guy who's almost, but not *quite* immortal, then he gets hired by the devil ta reposesses some statues, two a' which're in th' possession a' some guy yer tryin' ta kill!" "Tha' was a rhetorical question, vermin!" Mairi turned around and tried to swat Louie, but a quick turn of the car spoiled her aim. Another round of bullets narrowly missed the car. "Jack, we're nae gonna shake 'em, they know the roads too well. Didye take the full spy package on the rental?" she asked. "Yeah, why?" "There should be a hidden panel somewhere onna dash, wi' gadgets for discouraging persistent tailgaters." "You look, I'm...whoa, close one...busy right now!" Mairi started pulling on anything she could find that might open a hidden panel. The glove compartment fell open and dropped a few maps on the floor. The radio came on in a burst of static. The cigarette lighter popped out and landed in Jack's lap. "YOW! HOTHOTHOTHOTHOT!" he shouted, slapping at the fire which had started in his pants. Ben Sidhe lashed out with an open-handed strike, stopping just short of Jack's...body...and snuffing the flames with the speed of her hand's passage. "Whew...I'm glad we didn't hit a bump in the road," Jack sighed. Mairi took the lighter and one of the maps, and lit the map. "There, now I can see the godforsaken dash. Oho, there's the panel," she tapped on a St. Christopher's medallion and a part of the padded dashboard slid back, revealing a number of buttons and switches. She quickly scanned the labels before tossing the burning map out the window. "Push some buttons already!" Louie squeaked in a muffled voice from under the seat cushions. "I'll push the *red* button," Mairi smiled, and there was a sudden burst of flame from a second, false tailpipe on the Mitsubishi sportscar. A guided missile shot backwards towards the pursuing vehicles and destroyed one in a bright orange flower of burning gases. "YOW! Jack said, risking a look in the rear view mirror. "Couldn't you have used, oh, an oil slick or spike droppers?" Mairi shrugged. "Never pull a punch when someone's trying tae kill you." "Never kill unless it's the only way to survive," Jack countered. "Who said that, Richie Cunningham?" Mairi taunted. "No, Grizzly Adams," Jack replied, turning hard to avoid a hail of gunfire from the remaining pursuers. "Persistent, aren't they?" "Pity the missile was a one-shot...the only other lethal weaponry is front-mounted. Tell me when we're about to hit another sharp turn...." "NOW!" Jack shouted, slamming the wheel hard to the right. Ben Sidhe stabbed at a button on the control panel as she almost fell into Jack, and a faint clinking sound could be heard over the scream of protesting tires. Moments later, there was the sound of exploding tires, but fortunately they weren't the tires on Jack's car. Two more larger explosions followed as the remaining chase vehicles smashed into a grove of trees just off the road. "Lethal enough?" Jack asked. "It'll do. I think you can slow down now, we're in the clear," Mairi sighed. "Don't say...d'oh!" Louie chittered as the spotlight turned on the car. A spotlight aimed by a helicopter overhead. And a spotlight wasn't the only thing being aimed by the people in the helicopter. "Ya HADDA invoke Murphy, didn't ya?" "Any surface-to-air missiles on that panel?" Jack asked Mairi. She took a quick look over it by the light of the spotlight as bullets pinged off the armored hood of the car. "No...ye had the surface tae surface option, not surface tae air." "Fine, take the wheel, and get ready to dodge any bullets." "WHAT?" Mairi asked, shocked. Jack hit the button to retract the hardtop convertible roof and jumped into the back seat, narrowly avoiding stepping on Louie while Mairi hurriedly slid over and took control of the car. Jack slammed one end of his staff into the gap between the retracted roof and the body of the car, then lengthened it like a pole vaulting pole, riding it upwards. He winced in pain as a few bullets found their mark in his arms and upper chest, but held on. In mere moments, he was face to face with some very surprised-looking gunners and a pilot. He grabbed the gun away from one of the attackers before the man could recover his wits, and sprayed bullets back into the tail rotor, which started to spark and emit smoke. The helicopter lurched sideways, and if Jack hadn't started retracting his staff when he did, the main blades would have turned him into hero sushi. While his bullet wounds were already starting to close, Jack didn't want to bet on being able to survive being made into steaks. As he landed in the rear seat of the car, he looked back to see the helicopter limping towards the ground, wobbling back and forth. It landed with a loud crunch, the rotor blades hitting the ground and snapping off, but no explosion followed. "They'll live," Jack said to no one in particular. "Happy day for them," Mairi sneered. "Now take th' wheel back. I hate driving." WILL THEY GET AWAY CLEAN, OR WILL NEXT EPISODE START WITH MORE CHASE SCENE STUFF? WHY DOES BEN SIDHE HATE DRIVING? IS THE REASON SOME DEEP DARK SECRET THAT WILL DRIVE THE NEXT ARC, OR JUST A THROWAWAY BIT OF CHARACTERIZATION? ELEGANT SOUTHERN GENTLEMAN? This and more, on the next...SUPERGUY! ============================================================================ Author's Notes: I'm pretty sure I've said this in previous Author's Notes, but Ben Sidhe represents the one long-term plot this series has. The rest goes where the wind blows, to ideas that seem neat at the time, but I know pretty much what the deal with Ben Sidhe will be for the next several dozen issues. And together with last issue and next issue, this is one of the significant points in her subplot...the first time she and Jack meet without her trying to kill him. Why, I remember the magical moment I first met a woman who didn't want to kill me, and I'm sure you've all had similar experiences. A first uneasy alliance is a lovely romantic event, isn't it? Oh, and the squirrel thing is going somewhere (I just decided that yesterday), but I need to get some permissions first. }->