Jack walked down a dimly lit city street, a bag of groceries in his arms. Prominently jutting out of the top of the bag was a four pack of SNUH-brand toilet paper. Suddenly, out of nowhere, a trio of pipe-wielding thugs jump out and surround Jack! "Okay, kid, hand over the groceries, and any money ya got on ya!" snarled the lead punk. Reluctantly, Jack set down the bag and started to step away from it. But at the last second, he snatched the toilet paper out of the bag. "You can have the rest, but leave me my SNUH," he pleaded. The punks laughed evilly. "Hand over the TP too, wuss." Jack protested, "But SNUH isn't just any toilet paper! Feel the SOFTNESS!" he shouted, bashing the lead punk over the head with it. "Ooooh, soft..." cooed the miscreant. Jack pulled out a roll and wrapped a length of toilet paper around his hand. "And note the silky smoothness on your skin!" he shouted as he whapwhapwhapped the other two punks in rapidfire motion. "A drop of lotion for that special feeling!" he added as he wrapped a roll of SNUH around the heads of all three, then knocked them together with a muted "whud." As the would-be muggers staggered off in a daze of softness-induced ecstacy, Jack turned to the viewer and held up a fresh four-pack. "Touch the SNUH!" he grinned. "Cut! That's a wrap! Good job, people, now let's clear out and get set up for the next spot," ordered the director. Jack allowed himself a shudder of mild disgust as he peeled the lotiony paper off his hands and headed for the cashier's table to get his check. Doing commercials paid the rent, but they didn't really get him any closer to finding any of the 36 Crazy Plots. Four weeks of intensive stunt training so he could wrap toilet paper around people's heads. Feh. "Excuse me, mister...?" asked a stocky, grey-haired man that was trying to keep up with Jack. "You can call me Jack, and you are...holy moley, you're Lee Majors!" Jack did a doubletake in surprise. "Ah, yeah, I get that a lot. Name's Steve Minors, I used to be Lee's regular stunt double on The Fall Guy. Now I'm trying to make a name for myself as a stunt coordinator." "Wow...you look so much like him." "Uh huh...say, did anyone ever tell you your lips don't match up with what you're saying?" "Why do you think I'm stuck in crummy toilet paper ads? So, Mr. Minors, you interested in hiring me as a stuntman? I mean, you being a stunt coordinator and all?" "Yep. Pay's not great, and we don't exactly have all the permits and stuff, so we might need to bug out of a location fast, but it's gotta be better than this, right?" Jack considered it for a moment. There was all SORTS of trouble he could get into working for a movie that didn't have all the paperwork done. "I'll do it!" "Great! Of course, I'll wanna know a little more about your background and training before I assign you to any stunts, you understand...." Jack nodded. "Just watch the montage in the opening credits, that should tell you what you want to know...." ============================================================================= CRAZYPL LOTCRA AZYPLOT .|, COHERENT COMICS PRESENTS CRAZYP OTCR ZYPLOT ---X-------------------------------- CRAZYPLOTCRA OTCR LOTCRAZYPLOT '|` CRAZYPLOT LOTCR AZYPLOT CRAZYPLOT LOTCR LO ZYPLOT 36 CRAZY PLOTS CRAZYPLOTCRA OTCR LO ZYPLOT #1 - Plot 1: The Protection Racket CRAZYP OTCR LO ZYPLOT by the Dvandroid CRAZYPL LOTCRA AZYPLOT CRAZYPLOTCRAZYPLOTCRAZYPLOTCRAZYPLOT (copyright 1996 by Dave Van Domelen) ============================================================================= (Jack gets off the airplane at LAX, covered in baby food from the brat in the seat next to him and generally looking like he's never had such an unpleasant experience) Put down the boom mike and listen to me, it's time to do this movie up right! (Jack walks up to a somewhat disreputable-looking building with the words "Ace Stuntman School" stenciled on it) It's time to drop some stuntmen off really tall buildings, (Jack opens the door to the office and falls out the other side, a three story drop onto a pad. He's greeted by a secretary) it's time to choreograph a fight! (Jack fights his way through the other applicants to reach the restroom) You better put your face through a fake window, (Jack's thrown out of the restroom through a window) You better drop down through a concealed hatch, (Jack falls down a hole in the floor and into a tunnel) You better know your lines, and be on time, You better be real careful with that match. (Jack lands at a desk in front of a smarmy looking guy who hands him a contract to sign) You better set fire to that pan, And get that smoke blowin' around. Stick your head through the dashboard, and you'll be a stunt man. (Jack drives a battered looking car through smoke and out of view) Leap in front of a bull. (Jack drives car back out, pursued by a bunch of bulls) Hang by your head with glue. Blow up the entire crew. (Jack rams car into mining shack and sets off pyrotechics) What can you do? Dare to be Crazy! (Jack munches on a steak while his hair smokes slightly) Take some burning wreckage Add a rolling sports car (Back in the car, Jack's pursued by the local chapter of PETA) Get your cameras rolling now I'll show you how. You can dare to be crazy. (Jack, in casts, reads a Driver's Ed book) You can roll with that guy's punch You can break out of his grip (Jack fights some other stuntmen trainees) You can run around on marbles trying your best not to slip. (Jack apologizes profusely to trainees being taken to hospital) Dare to be Crazy! Come on and dare to be crazy. It's so painful to do. We're all raw, black and blue. Let's go! (Jack jumps from a helicopter onto an air bag...but misses the bag by THAT much) (Jack approaches a horse and tries to mount it. Jack spends most of the instrumental sequence being chased around the corral by a horse that most decidedly does not want him on it. Jack punches the horse out. The horse staggers a bit, then falls on Jack) It's time to climb a mountain and fall to the foothill, So can I have a volunteer? (Jack free-climbs one of the walls of the stuntman school) There's no more budget for breakaway sets, (Jack falls off wall and lands on table) We'll have to use whatever's here. (Table does not break) Roll the film and start the soundtrack, cue the T&A, (Jack's gaze tracks across the scene, looking at something or someone off camera. He looks very...distracted) Crash your late model Ford into a Chevrolet, (Jack gets hit by a car while girlwatching) Then start the set on fire and we all run away! (Driver can't see, crashes car into pyrotechnics shack. Foom) It's okay. You can dare to be crazy! (A slightly crispy Jack stumbles out of the wreck) It's like sleeping with the fish, (Jack falls off bridge) It's like hanging from a tree, (Jack falls from tree) It's like you gotta do the damn stunt if you wanna get your fee. (Jack falls onto cashier's table) Dare to be Crazy! Yes! Why don't you dare to be crazy? It's so easy, so easy to do. The set's waiting for you. (Jack very carefully secures himself to his perch on a tall pole. The pole falls over) Burn your legs off at the ends, (Jack wades through burning coals) Look damnation in the mouth. (He trips) Wait while your whole body mends. (Jack, covered in salve and bandages, sips his lunch through a straw) You can be an over-achiever, (Jack stands on his mark) You can watch your body break when that guy pulls a lever. (15 metric tons of kim chee fall on Jack) Your rent payment is due, (Jack staggers back to his apartment, reeking of kim chee) So what you gonna do? (Jack gets thrown out the window by other tenants) Dare to be Crazy! Dare to be Crazy! (Closing shot from below of Jack falling, freezeframes) * * * * Steve stared in amazement. "Wow. I've never met anyone..." he searched for a word other than "stupid," "...determined enough to actually spend more than a few days at A.S.S." "Yeah, well, it *was* a real pain in the you-know-what," Jack admitted. "Still, it wasn't much worse than what I'd be going through if I tried to be a stuntman back home." The two left the soundstage and entered the parking lot. "So, what's this project you're working on?" "Well, it's your basic local star vehicle. Jimmy Rip, hot young singer and host of a local TV show, decided he wanted to make an action film. He got some backers and a script, etc. Right now we're getting together the stunt crew, mostly non-union people...another reason we're working without the proper permits. Jimmy's in a hurry, plus not all of his backers want their names on a lot of paperwork, if you know what I mean." Jack nodded. This was good...a plot of some sort was being set up. If he were lucky, it would evolve into one of the Crazy Plots. "So I'll just be another grunt?" "Probably," Steve admitted. "But if you're as good at fighting as you looked in that commercial, I might be able to swing some extra cash your way in exchange for teaching Rip how to not look like a total idiot on screen." The stunt coordinator pointed to his minivan, and the two got in to head for Steve's "offices," actually his apartment. * * * * It had been an interesting few days, Jack had to admit, even if nothing major had happened. The excitement and intensity of working on a movie set was like nothing he'd ever felt before. Even if his was a minor role in a minor movie. In fact, from what other stunt men said, it was on the little pictures that you had the most frenzied activity...they had to get everything done fast to make release dates and pay off bills. Teaching Jimmy Rip had been...interesting as well. Rip was not the spoiled American star of stereotype, but neither was he a very patient student. Like most amateurs, he wanted to know how to "boot some head" right away, not realizing that the boring exercises taught the skills you'd need to learn the head-booting stuff. But despite this, Rip at least was no longer painful to watch. Jack looked up from his TV Guide as he heard a commotion over by Steve's trailer. A trio of suited Chinese men were in a heated discussion with Steve and the director, Kevin Macon. They looked so stereotypically "Triad" that Jack thought for a second they might be from another movie set. "No, we're not paying again!" came Kevin's voice over the general noise of the set. Okay, they're real Triad goons, Jack decided. As Jack walked over to where the discussion was taking place, he could see that each goon had a number on his jacket. Kevin was still being defiant, despite Steve's efforts to calm him down. Then the goon with a 3 on his jacket pulled out a knife and held it up to Kevin's throat, shutting him up very quickly. Even more quickly than that, the knife had been pulled away from Kevin's throat, flipped through the air, rolled across Jack's knuckles and then shoved back in #3's pants pocket...without being closed. #3's eyes bugged out as he realized how close the blade was to...certain parts of his anatomy. "Is there a problem here?" Jack asked. Still a little shaken, Kevin replied, "These Serially Numbered Triad Goons are trying to shake us down for more money. We already paid the local Big Brother, and we're not paying twice." "Serially Numbered...?" Jack turned to #1, presumably the leader of the trio. "I thought the Serially Numbered Underlings were female, from what I've read of this country's superguy population?" #1 shifted a little uneasily, then admitted in Cantonese, "Our boss bought a franchise. We're another set entirely, we're the Serially Numbered Triads. You look like a smart fella, you tell your director that our boss, Pei Man, is moving in on this territory, and he'd better pay up or there might be an...accident...during the transition." With that, the Serially Numbered Triad Goons stalked off with as much menace as they could muster, considering how carefully #3 had to walk. Kevin and Steve looked at Jack, waiting for a translation. He said, "There's going to be gang war. They want a payoff or they might just have one of the battles here. Maybe we should go to the police?" Steve shook his head. "If we do that, they'll know we're shooting without the proper licenses." "But we're just shooting without a license, they're extortionists!" Jack protested. "No, Steve's right on this one," Kevin added. "They're just extortionists...they'd be back on the street before the cops could finish the paperwork. Filming without permits is a hanging offense in Hollywood. They know we can't go to the cops on this one. Sigh...I guess we'll have to scrape up some more protection money. Thanks for the save, Jack, I owe ya one." With that, Kevin went to look for one of the producers. "You know they'll just come here eventually," Jack told Steve. "Yeah, eventually one side will decide to make an example of us for paying the other side. Hopefully we can be done shooting by then." "And if not?" "If not, then we'll have one HELL(TM) of a final fight scene," Steve shrugged, and went back into his trailer. Maybe not, Jack thought to himself.... WILL THEY HAVE ONE HELL(TM) OF A FINAL FIGHT SCENE? WILL THEY BE ABLE TO CATCH IT ALL ON FILM? HOW MANY TRIAD GOONS WILL JACK BEAT INTO SMALL, WHIMPERING PILES OF BRUISED FLESH NEXT EPISODE? ALL THIS, AND THE BIGGEST SUBMARINE SANDWICHES YOU EVER DID SEE, NEXT TIME ON...R.A.C.C. AND SUPERGUY! --------------------------------------------------------------------------- Author's Notes: The opening sequence was based on a really, really weird Jackie Chan dream I had a few days ago. The entire dream was way too weird to use as a regular episode, but I was able to adapt another scene of it for next episode. Lemme know if you thought the montage-with-soundtrack scene worked, if enough people liked it I may try another one in a future episode. In general, I've decided 36 Crazy Plots episodes will be shorter than my usual stories, closer to 200 lines than 400, at least for now. Finally, for those who didn't read the explanation in Stranger Tales #6 (LNH series), "Touch the SNUH!" is an injoke on the TinyTIM MUSH (which can be found at yay.tim.org 5440). Type @snuh in the main Nexus area.