DVANDOM _____ ______ _____ _______ THE DEATH DUCK SAGA part 5 of 7 [ ]__ [ ] [] [ ]__)) [ ] ` [ ]__ #94 - "Saban Fire of the Vanities" [ ] [ ] [] [ ] \\ [ ] [ ] copyright 1999 Dave Van Domelen [_] [_]__[] [_] \\ [_]___/ [_]____ -------]==+ <*> +==[------- [cover shows Squidman, Macroman, Sidewinder and Shane Boxer tumbling into the open maw of a giant dragon. In the shadows surrounding the dragon's head lurks a sinister waterfowl.] "Behold!" shouted Norman Bear, leader of the Slipstick Knights of dir/na/nog>. "Pyre-ate, the Dragon of Warez!" The scintillating metallic dragon dominated the opening splash page, each scale a bootleg CDROM, magnetic tape fluttering from its wing spars like tattered sails. "Dream?" Sidewinder asked, referring to how the armor of the Slipstick Knights seemed to be unreal. "I...hope..." Squidman whispered in reply. But before we join this battle, dear readers, it's time to shift scenes and enter the dreamlands. Yes, I'm a tease. * * * * "I wonder how the guys are faring," Kat pondered as she finished the last of her breakfast in the riverboat's elegant dining room. "I mean, we've been out for days, whatever they were doing in the real world is done by now, I'd expect." Anna shook her head. "We're in a dream, Kat. Time is purely subjective here...I doubt more than an hour has passed realtime. My guess would be that the Dream Court enforces a certain passage of time on anyone too low on the totem pole...make the petitioner work for it." Sommoloniticus Nyxicarus IV, assistant vice-chamberlain for the seventeenth district, otherwise known as "Sommo," nodded. "It is meant to give you time to consider your case or your situation, and compose yourself. It also serves as a buffer against frivolous complaints by inexperienced dreamlords...they usually cool down and come to a realization of the petty nature of their difficulties by the time they reach this point in the ingress towards the Court. In the worst cases, at least the troublesome lordling is delayed, and is also unable to foment any further complications within his own realm during his travels." "But Anna isn't a hothead, she's supposed to visit the Dream Court to present herself. Why make it such a hassle?" Kat objected. "To remind her of her place in the scheme of things," Al interjected, saving them from another of Sommo's longwinded explanations. "She's just a shepherd, dealing with the lowly dreamers. The inhabitants of this rarefied sphere want to remind everyone at her station that they're not really a part of the Court...that they're outsiders." Sommo merely snorted. "Since when are you a social reformer?" Anna raised an eyebrow at Al's tone. "Sounds like you're about ready to start a revolution on your first trip to the Court." Al grinned and shrugged. "I've been in the position of absolute ruler. It's a very pure and honest form of government. Gave me a healthy disrespect for government-by-clique, where everyone's supposedy equal, but 'we' are more equal than 'they' are. Don't worry, though...I won't raise the red banner of revolution on ths visit. I'll be a good boy." "Every good boy deserves favor," the MAXX agreed. Sort of. "Enough political debate for now," Sommo stood and motioned for the others to follow. "We should be within sight of the Dream Court. It is quite a sight touched by the rosy fingers of dawn." They left the dining room and stepped out onto the middle deck of the riverboat, shaded from the rising sun by the bulk of the boat itself. Sommo led the way around the deck towards the sunny side. Anna gasped when she saw it, and the others wore similar expressions of surprise. Sommo merely smiled contentedly, like he was finally home. The Dream Court was housed in what could only be described as a castle of silk and spun clouds. Imagine sheets of silk draped down from an incredibly tall central pole, then draping over shorter poles around the center, with new silken panels added with every new apex. The fabric taut, billowing slightly against a gentle breeze. Now imagine seeing people within, walking on clouds and looking out through windows in the silken walls. Perfectly calm, as secure in their roost as if they were standing in a castle of stone. "The Castle of Dreams," Sommo sighed. "More delicate than the morning mist, stronger than the hardest steel, forged from the stuff of dreams. Only those empty inside can look upon it and not be stirred." Kat caught her breath nervously and looked around at the rapt faces of her teammates. Was Sommo just being poetic, or did the fact she didn't really feel anything mean she was dead inside? Sure, it was beautiful, but not soul-wrenchingly so. Unless it was just that she didn't have a soul to wrench anymore.... * * * * A burst of energy from Pyre-ate's maw forced the heroes to scatter. The ground where they had been standing shimmered, then turned into a mass of zeroes and ones, which flowed into the dragon, leaving a barren hole. There was a faint rustle as a few new scales appeared on Pyre-ate's chest. "'Ware the dragon's breath!" Norman laughed mockingly as he leapt up to sit astride Pyre-ate's back. The other Slipstick Knights stood back to watch the fight, malicious glee on their faces. "Shane, we'll take on the dragon, since we have flightpacks," Squidman said over the radio link. "I don't trust the others to keep playing spectator, do something about them." "Roger," Shane acknowledged. The three Robo Warriors took to the skies, dodging deadly decompile blasts from the dragon, while Shane ran towards the huddled Knights. Shane thought back to his last fight against these mercenaries, in Castle Umlaut [in issue #86 - Ed.]. They were good fighters, but only human. Their new weapons packed a pretty mean punch, but it was already obvious from the opening minutes of this fight that their armors were about as useful as wet tissue paper. Shane, on the other hand, could shrug off high-caliber machinegun fire with his flexible steel skin. He was faster than any of them, and strong enough to one-punch most of them. This would be pretty damn easy. In his initial rush, Shane focused on the snake and eagle armors. The bear cub would keep for later, and the crow had managed to hold his own in a fight with Macroman...definitely more to that one than met the eye. For some reason, they actually expected everyone to fight the dragon, Shane realized as he bowled into them. What morons! They were definitely trapped in some kind of walking dream, and buying into a set of conventions that just didn't apply. The snake and the eagle folded like the low hands in a poker game. The bear cub looked shocked, but the crow simply smirked, like he shared Shane's assessment of the others. "Eat flames!" the young woman shouted, pointing a wavy-bladed kris at Shane and unleashing a torrent of flames. They washed over him briefly, but that was too long for his tastes. Those mystic flames HURT! Shane started dodging the flame blasts, but he kept a careful eye on the other armored mercenary...and an occasional eye on the sky. He didn't want to be hacked by Pyre-ate, after all. "It's times like this," he muttered to himself as he jumped over a flame bolt and narrowly dodged a thrown war fan, "that a ranged attack of some sort would be really useful." Well, at least he was keeping them busy.... * * * * The inside of the Dream Court was, if possible, even more breathtakingly beautiful than the outside. At least, it was as far as Kat could tell. She still didn't feel the kind of awe that was plastered over Anna's features. Even Sommo, who presumably spent a good amount of time here, was affected. The VAXX looked around with childlike wonder, but he *always* did. And Al? The awe was there, but it seemed tinged by a bit of anger, or at least annoyance. But as Kat scanned the faces of others in the huge vaulted atrium, she saw the kind of matter-of-fact boredom she felt in herself. Looks that said, "Yes it's lovely, which is what I'd expect, now on with business." She almost started to let herself think that her lack of awe would help her blend in better, when she got too close to one of the richly-bedecked dreamlords and was awarded with a contemptous sniff. Like he had just stepped in something unpleasant. Obviously, they could tell who you were and what you were at a glance...attitude wouldn't protect her here. Now it wasn't beautiful anymore. It was getting downright ugly, in fact. Perceptions honed by decades as a spy and a scout told her that their little group was the center of attention, and it wasn't positive attention. Oh, the dreamlords and dreamqueens and various functionaries were doing a *very* good job of hiding their scorn behind courtly manners, casting their insults in a sort of high-class code that they thought the "country bumpkins" wouldn't understand. Sommo must have known, this was his world. In fact, he seemed to be making apologetic motions, saying to the others that he didn't enjoy it, but it was his job until he could fob these hicks off onto someone else. Kat started to feel a slow burn coming on.... "You!" Lynk gasped, pointing at a nearby man in a leopardskin robe and wide yellow hat. The slender man turned around, his expression showing the shock of recognition combined with confusion, as if he didn't believe he was hearing what he was hearing. "Anna? How is it poss..." "I don't know how you survived," Anna snarled, practically running at the man, a sword materializing in her hand as she did, "but it all makes sense now. Who else would be cruel enough to invade my dreams but you, Mr. Gain?" [Last seen in Stranger Tales #3 - Ed.] But...if this was Mr. Gain, Kat realized, why was the VAXX just standing there, and not attacking his archenemy? * * * * Meanwhile, up in the air, Pyre-ate was keeping Squidman and the others busy. It was quick with that pirating-ray breath weapon, and even Macroman was having trouble staying clear of it, since he wasn't as fast in the air as he was on the ground. "Squidman, I think I have its rhythm," Macroman finally announced over the comsets in their helmets. "Good. I'll distract it, while you try and punch a few holes in those wings. They're too flimsy to be its means of support, but losing them will probably cost it maneuverability," Squidman ordered. "And me?" Sidewinder asked. "If it *does* lose its ability to dodge, Sidewinder, snare it in a Web of Diversion. We take Pyre-ate out of the fight, the fight's over," he replied. On Squidman's mark, the three split off in different directions. Norman was smart enough to see Macroman as the most dangerous, but maybe Pyre-ate wouldn't be...Squidman launched a barrage of Squidrangs from his armor's armbands at the Dragon of Warez. A few exploded, a few churned out thick inky clouds, and a few just splatted against the dragon's CDROM hide. Pyre-ate turned its massive head to face Squidman, despite Norman's efforts at the reins. Beating its mighty wings once, it nearly covered the distance between it and Squidman before he could react. Fortunately, Macroman reacted faster, slicing through the beast's ragged wings dozens of times in the space of an eyeblink. Pyre-ate howled in anger as it was unable to correct its course to reach the now-evading Squidman, then flexed its wingspars, knocking Macroman away. "WEB OF DIVERSION!" Sidewinder shouted, unleashing an explosion of fine wires in Pyre-ate's direction. Not intended to actually entangle the creature, they instead acted as conduits for Sidewinder's natural ability to take himself out of a story, carrying the target with him. Suddenly, however, a wave of pure, high-fidelity music lashed out in all directions, forcing the wires back on themselves and pushing the Robo Warriors back like a hurricane force wind. [Note: it is a common misconception that soundwaves can push you, when in fact they can't do more than make you shake. However, this is a magical dragon composed of pirated software and videotapes, so it probably doesn't care that it's employing bad science. - Ed] "What IS that?" Macroman shouted over the music. "Taste the sound of Pyre-ate radio!" Norman roared. "MP3's enough to keep you at arm's length all day!" * * * * Anna was still several paces away from Mr. Gain when the floor rose up around her, forming into hulking guards. One grabbed her by the shoulders, while another lifted the sword and the shimmering essence of the Gauntlet of GIF out of her arm. Oddly, there was no real uproar or commotion, just some disapproving noises. It was as if this sort of thing was either very common, or simply expected behavior from "their sort." Al knew Kat had picked up on the condescending mood of the room, even if Anna had been too engrossed to notice it. And now she was too enraged to notice the more obvious expression of the Court's cliquish contempt. Sommo was in hurried conversation with some other functionary, no doubt explaining the situation and trying to keep Anna from being thrown out...it would be a lot of wasted effort on his part if that were to happen, after all. "Anna? What...what's..." the subject of her ire stammered. He certainly matched the general description Anna had once given of her father's shade, but not the attitude. "I...I mean, I haven't told you about this place yet. How could you get here on your own?" This broke through Anna's anger for a moment. "Told me? How could you tell me? You're dead, Gain!" "And why are you calling me that?" he asked. "I'm your father, Roy Tanner, and you know well enough that I've never used any pseudonym other than Rotara." Al stepped between the two. "I believe we have a case of mistaken identity here, Anna, Mr. Tanner." The guards had receded somewhat, but one still held Anna firmly. Her Gauntlet of GIF was nowhere to be seen. He turned to Anna. "This isn't your father, nor is it Mr. Gain. And Mr. Tanner," he turned back to the man, "this isn't your daughter. Apparently, this particular Dream Court encompasses two similar Looniverses, and in one of them a tragic fate befell you, Mr. Tanner, turning you into an evil shade of yourself, the Mr. Gain she's talking about." "Oh, gods...I feel so stupid," Anna slumped back against the guard and closed her eyes. Al tried to ignore the faint snickering in the gallery. "Join the club," Rotara smirked weakly. "I've been here long enough I should have realized an alt.version of myself or my daughter might also have the ability to create a dreamland. Never stopped to think that other versions of myself might not have been so lucky in recovering from Umlaut's trap...almost went mad myself, actually, when he forced me bodily into my Harnegu." By now, the guards had vanished. "Should you want it for sentimental reasons," Sommo whispered in her ear, "your weapon will be returned to you upon your departure from the Dream Court." "I'm sorry for being so rash," Anna said, extending her hand to Rotara. He took it and grasped it warmly, looking deeply into her eyes. "No apologies necessary. I can see the horrible things my other self did to you and to your connection to the cypher magic...the taint runs deep, you may never be able to excise it like I did. But go, you have a new path to walk, as a dreamqueen." "Th-thank you," Anna blushed and led the group away. Al cast a backwards glance at the terribly amused people in the atrium. Someday, someone would have to do something about them, he knew. But not him, not today. Not yet. * * * * Everyone looked up when the music started, even the jaded Corvus in his black feathered armor. Something dramatic had happened, and they felt compelled to give it notice. Unfortunately for her, Shana kept looking up a little too long, long enough for Shane to shake the effects of the genre convention that was settling in over the scene. He streaked in and landed a solid punch on her delicate jaw, about the only delicate thing about the small, wiry hellcat. "I suppose that leaves the two of us," the crow mocked. "Care to dance?" he opened up his deceptively flimsy war fans. The feathers concealed impossibly sharp blades, mystic weapons possibly sharp enough to cut through Shane's flexible steel skin. "I don't much care for the fandango," Shane quipped, backpedalling to stay out of Corvus's reach. Weapon, weapon...he needed something to block those fans with. The sling was useless, and the dagger too short, so he grabbed for Draco's spear. Suddenly, it was as if he was wrestling with an anaconda. The spear remained rigid, but it twisted and spun in his hands, refusing the touch of one not its master. Corvus let loose a low, soft chuckle. "Keep it up, metal man, and the spear may kill you for me. Fowlvarran made sure none but the Slipstick Knights could use our 'signature' weapons." Shane threw the protesting weapon at Corvus, but it flopped out of the way, as if trying not to hurt an ally. The armor bits certainly wouldn't help Shane, they were about as strong as DeFacto's sense of mercy. Corvus danced in, taunting Shane by drawing his blades lightly across one of Shane's arms. The metal peeled back to reveal flesh for a moment, then sealed itself. "Our armors don't seem too effective, but neither is yours, yes?" he crowed. One last thing that might be useful...Shane dove for one of the prone bodies and came up with a foot-long sliderule. Maybe it would at least be able to block the fanblades a little. "Psssh!" Corvus interjected. "Look at you...mid-twenties at the oldest. You don't know how to use that thing." This shocked Shane enough that Corvus almost got in a wicked chest slice. Of course *he* knew how to use a slide rule...when DeFacto V controlled almost all computers in 2077, it was necessary for the resistance forces to sometimes resort to older methods of calculation. Some genius had even figured out how to port Linux over onto a slide rule. "You mean, they do more than summon that dragon up there?" Shane asked, the beginnings of a plan forming in his head. "I mean, aside from multiplying and adding and stuff?" he added, trying to play it straight. "Idiot. Anyone who can use a slipstick knows they don't do addition... and these do so much more!" Another swipe of the fan, this time it cut deep into Shane's shoulder. Red-hot pain seared through him, and he could feel the blood flowing under the muscle, trapped by the metal sheath. Gritting his teeth, he ignored the pain. "Like Kepler's Law?" Shane suggested, adjusting the slide and the cursor to point at a number representing his distance from Corvus. Suddenly, he whipped around behind the Slipstick Knight in a partial orbit before moving the cursor back to one. "How about something with an inverse square law, like a concussion blast?" Another adjustment, and a thunderclap boomed out of the sliderule, knocking Corvus off his feet. That was all the advantage Shane needed, and his fist quickly connected with Corvus's face hard enough to put the mercenary down for the count. "Nice toy," Shane smirked. "Good thing it was designed to be used by gauntleted hands." * * * * Sommo led the foursome into a smallish room...by the standards of the castle. By normal standards, it was still immense, the silken walls helping give an even greater sense of size than the "real" dimensions would suggest. A single raised platform stood in the center of the room, with a basin on a pillar rising from one corner. The whole construct seemed to be forged from clouds, and the fine details roiled and changed as Anna watched. Sommo reached out and rang a small gong by the door. It pealed with a high, pure tone, like a mixture of glass and steel. A moment later, a middle-aged woman stepped out from a small alcove set off by a curtain of mists, smiling warmly. "Ah, the new dreamqueen who caused such a ruckus this morning," she said, without a hint of malice or condescension. "Oh, don't worry too much about it," she clucked, "it's almost a rite of passage to stir up the atrium. I must say, your method was one I haven't heard of before." It was hard to feel any resentment towards this woman...she was so much like a mother. Or like a dream of a mother, perhaps. Maybe that was her specialty? "This is a nice change," Kat muttered. Anna was about to glare at her, but the woman just waved her hands dismissively. "Oh, they tend to get rude over the years, forgetting what it's like to be mortal...or never having been mortal. That's why people like me are chosen for this position, dreamlords whose realms have only recently attached to the mainland. We still remember what it was like, helps us help you new arrivals. Oh, I nearly forgot...my name is Corona. I will be Vesting you." "Vesting?" Anna asked. It sounded vaguely like having a retirement plan. Corona rolled her eyes. "The official term is much more cumbersome. Establishing the Investiture of the Neophyte Dreamlord into the Dream Court, the sort of language Sommo here loves," she added, winking at the wordy bureaucrat. Anna raised an eyebrow. Apparently the nickname was in common use...unsurprising considering the length of the man's name. Sommo ahem'ed. "Some people believe that this position should be given over to more experienced members of the Court, matters of empathy being less significant than respect given to the institutions of this august body." Corona leaned in conspiratorially and stage-whispered to Anna. "The truth is, no one else *wants* the job, since it means dealing with the wrong sort of people all day," she smirked. "We newly-retired shepherds still tolerate dreamers and those who associate with them." Corona then straightened up, her appearance far more regal and far less motherly than a moment ago. "Still, the assitant vice-chamberlain does have a point. There is a certain amount of ceremony attendant to the Investiture, serving at least the purpose of introducing a new dreamqueen to the Way Things Work. Please step this way," she commanded, walking towards the dais. When both were standing atop the low platform, Corona gestured and the basin filled with glowing liquid that seemed to condense out of the very air. "Please state your name." "Anna Rose Tanner," Lynk replied. "That is your Waking name," Corona chided. "What is the name by which you will be known in the dreamlands?" Anna paused, thinking about the man back in the atrium who was and wasn't her father. "Rotanna," she finally replied. Corona raised an eyebrow, but made no verbal comment on the choice. "Then, Rotanna, are you prepared to abide by the laws of the Dream Court, to not interfere with dream realms not your own, and to keep to your place in the hierarchy of dreams?" The last one was certainly a sticker, wasn't it? Al didn't seem inclined to keep to that particular vow...but nothing said she had to be the one to restrain him if he did anything. "I am," she affirmed. Corona lifted up a handful of the glowing liquid. "Then, in the name of the Dream Court and all those within, I bring you into the Court, invested as a full member and entitled to the privileges due any other dreamlord." She spread her fingers apart, allowing the silvery liquid to rain down over Anna's head. It clung to her body, spreading over her and slowly changing. Silver armor formed around her body and limbs, with sky blue detailing. "I further vest in you the responsibility of overseeing the dreamers in your far-flung realm as you see just," Corona added, spreading a second handful of the liquid over Anna. This collected at her shoulders and knees in red gemlike nodes, snaking out to cover her limbs in deep blue tendrils. A mass of tendrils collected at her right hand, quickly forming into a gleaming crystalline spear. "The armor and spear will help protect you against invaders, they are a part of you now. You need merely wish it and they will appear, whether you are in this world or the waking one, although their power is greatest within your own dreamland," Corona explained. Corona waved her arms and a piece of the wall detached itself and settled on Anna's shoulders, forming a cloak of sky blue silk. "Your name has now been entered in the rolls of the Dream Court. Go forth and rule wisely." And then, despite having been bodily in the dreamlands, Anna woke up and found herself back at the mansion. * * * * Even with sound baffles on full, Squidman found it almost impossible to get close enough to Pyre-ate to launch an effective attack...not that anything he'd hit the dragon with already was that effective. The only thing that was saving them from its deadly breath was the damage Macroman had done to its wings, cutting its maneuverability in half. But Sidewinder's Web of Diversion was hopelessly tangled, and his sidewinder minimissiles weren't doing much against the dragon's CDROM hide. Macroman was worse off...all of his weapons were melee in nature, since his powers normally let him get close to an enemy whenever he wanted. But the wall of sound was holding them all back. Squidman had one more attack he could use...but the side-effects were possibly worse than the dragon itself. "Look, Shane's taken out the last of them on the ground!" Sidewinder shouted, his voice going hoarse from trying to be heard over the pirated MP3's. "Don't let yourself get..." Squidman started to warn. Pyre-ate's breath washed over Sidewinder, converting his armor to ones and zeroes, which then flowed into the dragon's mouth as it pirated the code. "...distracted," Squidman finished in a whisper. If there had been any exposed flesh, Sidewinder himself would have been pirated. And he might well be, since he was falling on an easy trajectory for the dragon to strike with a second shot. "Marcoman!" Squidman shouted. "On it!" he replied, diving to catch his fallen comrade and almost dodging the second breath. But it caught the back of his armor with a glancing shot, turning his flight pack into unprotected source code. Norman whooped a victory cry from the back of the Dragon of Warez. A few more blasts, and the Slipstick Knights would win the battle. Do or die time. Squidman nervously fingered the black sphere he'd pulled from a heavily-armored compartment on his belt. He'd first considered designing the thing after being forced to use the AtomiCheeez arrow to kill Sig.Lad, and every time the team fought a cosmic-level threat his mind came back to it. He'd finally built it a few months ago, a weapon of last resort. The TM-Bomb. The immediate effect was barely noticeable, slapping a trademark on the target. But within moments, the area would be swarming in Lethal Lawyers, drawn to the target, ostensibly to defend it, but all the while sucking the life out of it. Once it was a hollow shell, they would depart with it, and anyone unlucky enough to be caught nearby during the torting frenzy. But maybe Pyre-ate's own nature would save them from a lawyerswarm.... Squidman grimly loaded the TM-Bomb into his wristband and took careful aim. Below, Shane had caught Macroman and Sidewinder, and Norman was directing the dragon's maw in Squidman's direction. He fired. The TM-Bomb flew into Pyre-ate's open jaws and detonated, coating it with a thick layer of trademarking. Pyre-ate went into a frenzy. The very idea of a trademark was antithetical to its very nature...it was driven to break trademarks and absorb them into itself. It started to claw at its own body, and then it managed to twist far enough to breathe on itself.... Suddenly, Norman Bear was falling through a mass of ones and zeros that was rapidly consuming itself, like the snake that eats its own tail. Squidman caught him just as the man's armor and weapons vanished. Below, the armors, weapons and sliderules of the others disappeared into a glimmering haze, like a dream breaking before the light of dawn. Norman blinked in confusion as Squidman set him down and tied him up with a Squidrang. "What...what just happened?" Squidman looked up at the nearly-vanished cluster of bits in the air. "Poetic justice, I'd say." ============================================================================ Next Issue: The penultimate chapter of the Death Duck Saga! ============================================================================ Author's Notes: Most of the stuff needing footnoting here was covered in last issue's notes. If you haven't read #93, um, go back and read it before reading #94? Hrm. If you're interested in a little more about how sliderules work, I've written up a primer on my Sliderule Page, although it's mainly written for a person who has a rule on hand to refer to. The address for the page is http://www.physics.ohio-state.edu/~dvandom/slide.html. There's also links to places which go into a little more background on the devices.