DVANDOM _____ ______ _____ _______ THE DEATH DUCK SAGA part 4 of 7 [ ]__ [ ] [] [ ]__)) [ ] ` [ ]__ #93 - "Knight Errors" [ ] [ ] [] [ ] \\ [ ] [ ] copyright 1999 Dave Van Domelen [_] [_]__[] [_] \\ [_]___/ [_]____ -------]==+ <*> +==[------- [cover shows a battered quartet of Squidman, Macroman, Sidewinder and Shane Boxer surrounded by five figures in elaborate plate mail armor and carrying odd-looking weapons.] Consciousness came back slowly for one of the fastest men alive. "Mmm...Sarah?" he mumbled. "Sorry, Doug, just me," came Squidman's voice from nearby. "Been a while since you mentioned her, though." [In fact, not since about Constellation #32. - Ed.] Then the rocking of the van and the rumble of the engine penetrated Macroman's muzzy senses. "Ohhhh...what hit me? I...saw Shane, and I think I got hit...and...." He trailed off as he noticed the unconscious form of Shane Boxer tied up next to him. "This may be a silly question, but why is Shane hogtied?" Squidman set the van's autodrive system, suggesting they'd already made it onto the highway. "Well, he hit you, and Sidewinder, and tried to turn me into sushi." "Which of the usual reasons was it this time? Mind control? Darkening? Evil Replicant? Illusions? Alt.net Version?" "Dream control," Squidman replied. "Gah. So when he said he hadn't had any strange dreams last night like Lynk and Pocky had [Dvandom Force #91 - Ed.], he was...." "Having a waking dream, and convinced that we'd all been replaced by alien duplicates who had locked us all in tubes so they could feed on our memories. At least it wasn't a failsafe left in him by the Century Pact, a vengeance weapon to get back at us in case we destroyed them, as we ended up doing. And I think those powerarmor goons back in Sko.key were also victims of dream control somehow." Macroman rubbed the bruise on his shoulder. "Hmm, must have gotten this after I was hit...feels more and more likely he got me in the head. Well, on the bright side, it looks like we have an entirely new foe this time. That dream imp Zklmcgyx doesn't seem to be the sort to try murder...just mortification. The more loose ends you wrap up, the more just come out of the woodwork." "Thank you, Mixed-Metaphor Man," Squidman smirked. "Still, you're right. We took care of the cosmic imbalance between Lord MUDD and Master Workload, ended the threat of the new Warlord, defeated DeFacto V and his minions once and for all and discredited the Century Pact's insidious attempts to turn people against net.heroes. [A very condensed summary of Dvandom Force #46-89 - Ed.] But the fight never ends, does it? For every head we cut off, two more pop up, and we probably helped create at least one of them." Macroman moved up to sit in the front next to Squidman, slapping him on the shoulder. "And we wouldn't have it any other way, eh? Sure, the fight never ends, but if it did we'd just fade away. Thinking about Sarah reminded me of what it was like to live those few months in another reality, as a normal guy, after Lord Ebon tried to wipe me from existence [Constellation #30-31 - Ed.]. Even when the dreams weren't getting to me, I felt like something was missing. Trust me...it may be frustrating to never completely win the fight, but that's nothing compared to having no meaningful fight to win." Squidman shrugged. "I suppose. Anyway, hopefully Lynk and the others are having some luck tracking down the problem from the dream side of things. It doesn't look like we're going to have a whole lot of success fighting this new foe from the waking world, not if he can control our dreams." "We did okay against the Divine Comedian, didn't we?" Macroman pointed out. "Not if this is him again...he didn't have this kind of power last time. I hope it *is* him, though, or someone like him. Because if it's a native of the dreamlands, we may be both outpowered and outclassed." Sidewinder groaned in the back of the van as he regained consciousness. "Uuuugh...hey, guys, why is Shane tied up?" Squidman and Macroman exchanged looks, then waved for the narrator to cut to another scene. * * * * The islands of the dreamworld archipelago were starting to cluster much more tightly together, an iconic representation of the greater density of dream domains near the arbitrary "center" of the world. The boat carrying Lynk, Kid Pocky, Kat, the VAXX and the dreamworld "marshal" known as die Stahltraumerin slowed its pace as it had to pick its way across shoals and other obstacles. In the distance, a punt was slowly being poled over into their path, and their craft slowed to meet it. When the boats were nearly touching, die Stahltraumerin motioned for the others to stay where they were, and jumped across to the flat-bottomed punt. After a few moments of conversation, a short, officious-looking man aboard the punt briskly waved for the Dvandom Forcers to cross to his craft. He looked less than pleased with the presence of two dreamers, but was apparently satisfied enough with die Stahltraumerin's report that he made no overt comment about it. "People," die Stahltraumerin said with a certain tone of relief, "this is Sommoloniticus Nyxicarus IV, assistant vice-chamberlain for the seventeenth district...which you're in...and general protocol guy. He doesn't like being called Sommo very much, but he has no expectations of you 'country bumpkins' having any manners, so he won't make a fuss if you do. He'll take you the rest of the way to the Dream Court, and answer any other questions you might have, although you'll have to put up with his attitude." All through this, Sommo did his best to look like he was ignoring this barbaric armored person introducing him. "Why aren't you bringing us the rest of the way?" Anna asked. Die Stahltraumerin smirked. "The Court doesn't really like having us outriders on the continent unless absolutely necessary. Aside from the fact it takes time away from our duties, we tend to make them more than a little nervous. Like a main battle tank parked in a suburb. That, and I suspect the Writer has gotten sick of typing my name. [You got *that* one right, sister! - Ed.] So, it's back to the hinterlands for me. I'll keep an eye on your little problem, make sure he doesn't get too ambitious." Anna nodded. "Thanks. So, ah...Sommolonotamix...." The official sighed. "If you cannot properly pronounce my name, young dreamqueen, it is better to simply use the diminutive. Mortifyingly familiar, but less odious than to constantly hear the syllables eviscerated." "Later, all," die Stahltraumerin jumped back onto the craft they had arrived in, and sped off towards the horizon. Sommo nodded to the poleman. "Bring us to the riverboat," he ordered. * * * * "Um, guys...why am I tied up?" Shane slurred as he lurched into consciousness at the back of the van. "Or is this still the nightmare I was having?" "Hopefully you're really awake now," Squidman replied. "The dream was a waking one...someone made you try to kill us." Shane tried to sit bolt upright at this news, but couldn't thanks to the restraints. "The Pact?" Macroman shook his head as he looked to Squidman while reaching for the bonds on Shane. "We don't think so. Someone's controlling dreams in general, not just yours." When Squidman nodded assent, Doug started undoing the straps that kept Shane from moving or activating his powers. "Fortunately, whoever it was doing this was just directly controlling your dreaming, rather than using dreams to brainwash you," Sidewinder added. "From what we've been able to get out of the police over the phone, it looks like the Hunter Red guys back there," he jerked his thumb in the general direction of Sko.key, "had been convinced that their dreams were prophecy or something. That we were going to kill them because they worked for Orion." Shane nodded as he sat up and started rubbing circulation back into his wrists. "You'd think that with all the reality manipulation we go through on a regular basis, we'd be used to this sort of thing by now, maybe even immune." "Actually, I think we are. Or at least resistant," Squidman replied. "But you haven't been through nearly as much reality distortion as the rest of the team, making you a good pawn." You could almost hear the deductive gears turning behind Squidman's cowl. "Once our enemy determined that he could at least *influence* those of us with the most experience in unreal settings and dreams...Kid Pocky and Lynk...then it was simply a matter of determining which of us would make the best pawn and turning it on full force." "Well, paint me black and drop me in the second square," Shane sighed. "So I get to sleep in full body restraints until we stop this guy?" "Doubtful," Squidman shook his head. "You may be the best pawn, but far from the only one. Plus, our foe has to know that I was able to neutralize you once, and could do it again. No, I expect something more subtle next time." At this point, a giant boulder dropped out of the sky right in front of the van. * * * * The riverboat was a flat-bottomed affair that resembled a floating layer cake in much the way river steamers of the 1800s did, except that it lacked the smoke-belching stacks. In fact, it didn't seem to have any obvious source of power, a fact Al commented on as they boarded. "This *is* a dreamworld," Sommo replied. "Nothing need have any great degree of what you might consider 'realism' in order to function. Your sailing ship and the craft we just stepped out of are more mundane dreams, so they have the trappings of mundane craft. But this vessel was built on the continent...it moves because it is supposed to move. It is both that simple and that complex. You would do well to loosen your grip on waking world logic while here. Much of this world is symbol and simile." "Are we the only dreamers on this boat?" Kat asked. "Probably, although we're still far enough out that certain vivid dreamers might be here. Normally, you can tell them apart by the faraway look in their eyes, as they soak in the sheer wonderment of the inner dreamlands. However," he frowned every so slightly, "I notice neither of you exhibits such an expression. I doubt your dreams would ever normally carry you so far as even this inner archipelago...no doubt your dreams normally remain in the young dreamqueen's domain," he nodded to Lynk. Al smiled, a tiny hint of danger in his eyes. "You'd be surprised at what my dreams have encompassed. You would do well to loosen your grip on the notion that newcomers to the dreamlands are automatically provincial," he added, his tone carrying not an ounce of mockery to it. There was a brief pause. The riverboat slid along the shore, the opposite shore slowly getting closer and closer. Sommo fixed Kid Pocky with what he hoped was a withering stare. Al met the gaze evenly, as if inviting the official to peer into his soul. Sommo blanched. Then, as if suddenly realizing something very important and desiring confirmation of it, he shifted his gaze to Kat, who shied away. But not before Sommo saw what he was looking for. "Ahem. Ah...yes. Forgive my presumption. We get so few reincarnates, much less those with transdimensional existences, that I neglected to consider the possibility that you might be counted among their number," Sommo apologized. "May I presume that both of you would prefer to be addressed in the fashion of your current incarnations?" Kat shrugged. Al smirked, and replied, "It might cause certain... difficulties if I were announced as one of my previous selves, regardless of the somewhat less regal stature of my current identity. Especially since I may be partially to blame for any recent upswings in the bureaucratic nature of the Dream Court." Sommo smiled slightly, the first hint of amusement he'd shown since they met him. "As such a bureaucratic functionary, I would be one of the last to hold any acrimonious sentiment over such events. Still, I will do as you ask. I merely warn you that this information may come out eventually, so be prepared to deal with those who may have preferred the somewhat more chaotic nature of the Dream Court in previous years." "So noted," Al nodded. "Ooooh, fishies!" the VAXX cooed as he peered over the railing of the riverboat, which had now entered what might rightly be called a river. Anna nodded towards the VAXX, and asked, "There's an interesting question posed. The sheep in my dreamland are actually representations of common dreamers. Are the fish here a similar case?" Sommo shook his head. "Unlikely. As I mentioned earlier, it is rare to find any dreamers this deep in the dreamlands. Most likely they are simply creations of some dreamking who wanted fish in his river. Although it *is* possible that at least one of them is a fish that is dreaming...." * * * * Only quick steering by Squidman got the van off the road before it could hit the boulder, and the vehicle piled to a stop in the ditch at the roadside. "Scatter!" Squidman ordered. "Macroman, recon! Sidewinder, into the air! Shane, right flank, I have left!" The four net.heroes piled out of the van just before it was hit by another giant boulder that dropped out of the sky. "Five bogeys on the other side of the hill, looks like the Constellation Gang again," Macroman reported as he zipped back from his scouting run. "Norman Bear seems to have some kind of magic rock-making weapon. The others are armed, not sure what their weapons do. I was in and out too quick for them to take potshots." "Fine. Time to flush them out," Squidman pulled out a squidrang and hurled it in the direction Macroman had indicated. A thick, inky cloud burst forth, sending the attackers out into the open. "I thought we put you Constellation Gang clowns in jail!" Shane shouted at the mercenaries. "And what's with the RenFest clothes?" he indicated the archaic outfits the five were sporting. "We've ditched that bag," Shana Bear sneered, standing just far enough away from her big brother to send the message that she didn't feel she needed his, or anyone's, protection. "Fowlvarran has given us another shot at the big time," Russ Edgarson added. "And all we have to do in return is ice you Dvandom Force punks. The four of you'll make a good downpayment." "Dream?" Sidewinder muttered over his helmet radio to Squidman and Macroman, who were wearing their headsets. "Maybe...but I think they're the ones dreaming it," Squidman replied. "Macroman, you laid in a pattern yet?" "Uh-huh," Macroman nodded. "Do it," Squidman ordered. In a gold and green blur, Macroman zoomed in and out among the close-packed former Constellation Gang, knocking three of the five off their feet. The massive Norman Bear was only forced back a step, while the enigmatic Cory Roe shifted sideways just in time to avoid Macroman's attack program. "Surrender?" Squidman suggested. "The Slipstick Knights of dir/na/nog> are not going to start their careers by surrendering," Tabitha Peters hissed, brandishing her forked spear. Lightning flashed out from it and scorched the spot on which Squidman had just been standing. "Time to stop playing, people," Norman ordered, his deep baritone rumbling over the echoes of Tabitha's thunderclap. "Summon the armors!" The five stood together, and suddenly it was as if a stock footage sequence had been cued. Macroman tried to zoom in and distrupt whatever it was they were doing, but bounced off an invisible barrier that kept him just out of the immediate area. Giving up, he ran off over the horizon. Norman held up his warclub. "Pixel beneath me!" he shouted, and was immediately blurred out by a pixelation effect. When it faded, he was wearing ornate plate mail armor in gunmetal grey with golden accents and an elaborate faceplate. In a sheath at his hip was a scintillating diamond and silver slide rule. The bulk of the armor combined with the ursine pattern of the helmet to make him look the part of his surname. His sister Shana raised her wavy-bladed long dagger, shouting "Flame within me!" A burst of elemental Flame coursed out from her mouth, enveloping her body and charring it to ash. When the ash blew away, Shana was revealed to be wearing red and gold plate armor, although the bare legs and upper arms suggested the bear-headed armor was more symbolic than protective. She too had a slide rule, gold coated in rubies. Tabitha stamped her forked spear on the ground and cried out, "Thread around me!" Her body literally dissolved into hundreds of threads which streamed out of sight, then flew back together in the form of a blue and gold armored figure. Unlike Shana, her serpentine armor covered her whole body. Her slide rule seemed to be made from sapphire and turqoise. Ross whipped his sling around his head rapidly as he intoned, "Net above me!" The winds formed a cyclone around him, and when it dispersed he was clad in sky-blue and crystal armor with an aquiline motif, a crystal slide rule at his side. Finally, Cory smirked and said ".newsrc before me." His body was covered in a stream of newsgroup names that scrolled by faster than the eye could follow, and when it had gone, he stood resplendant in ebon and silver armor, his bladed war fans spread out before him. A jet black slide rule graced the hip of his raven-like armor. There was a pause as the special effects barrage faded. The Slipstick Knights got into ready poses...as in, "ready to pound the heroes into mulch." Then Macroman popped back in, a mild sonic boom announcing his presence. "Two can play at that game, Slapsticks," he mocked, tossing techno-harnesses to Squidman and Sidewinder. "Zwarghoff's been puttering with these, putting his house arrest to good use." Squidman and Sidewinder quickly donned the harneses they had worn the first time they fought the Constellation Gang [in Dvandom Force #55 - Ed.], while Macroman already had his on. "Armor of Flashfire, LOG IN!" Macroman shouted. "Armor of Crosspost, LOG IN!" Sidewinder added. "Armor of Deepsea, LOG IN!" Squidman finished. The air was cut by the piercing chirp/wail of a modem and bolts of chainfeed printer paper arced through the air, dissolving into GIF energy and wrapping around the three figures, forming streamlined, futuristic samuari armors. Not to be left out, Shane stepped forward and slammed his fist over the special plate on his chest. "Dvandomforce...TRANSFORM!" A brilliant flare of light spiraled out from his chest, turning Shane into a blinding, golden figure. When the light faded, he was covered from head to toe in flexible steel. The cold winter wind blew past ominously. Five mystic elemental armors versus four technological elemental armors...and possibly a conflict of dream against reality. Then the battle was joined. * * * * Lynk watched the peaceful riverbank roll by as their craft sped towards the center of the continent. "Sommo...it's starting to look like the dreamlands are pretty much, well, normal this far in. No odd symbolism, no constantly shifting iconic landscape...just a regular reality." "Only on the surface, milady. Without dreamers and their usually chaotic influences around, the primal forces are submerged beneath the simplicity and order that we indigenous peoples prefer to live in. There is only logic and order and...normality...because this is a convenient state for us. Major traffic arteries such as this river are, by their very purpose, required to be left reasonably calm that passersby might fruitfully employ them," Sommo explained. "Deeper within the private lands of the more powerful dreamkings, it is just as bizarre as you might expect, as the order of the day is the whim of the dreamking. But rivers are border territory, and by consensus of the Dream Court they are left calm." "I think what Anna's keying on here," Al interrupted, "is that without dreamers, it's not really a dreamland. Much like the heartwood of a tree isn't really living tree anymore...the life is out at the rim." "But the heartwood gives the tree its strength," Sommo countered. As Kid Pocky and Sommo continued to debate their metaphor, the VAXX wandered up towards the front of the boat, where Kat was silently brooding. "What's new, pussycat?" he asked, a childlike tone in his voice, a sort of simple pleasure at his own perceived cleverness. "More like what's NOT new," she sighed, turning to lean backwards on the railing. "I just don't like this whole idea of going to bend knee to the high and mighty and 'crave a boon' of them," she sneered. "I didn't like living at the sufferance of powerful robots when I was younger, and I don't like it any more when the robots are replaced by 'dreamkings' and other such trappings. Overlords are overlords, no matter how benign they might try to be. Just being subject to their decisions irks me. Knowing that any of them could kick me out because he doesn't like the way I'm looking at him...or NOT looking at him, or the way I'm standing in his light, or not trying to be pretty for him, or any one of a million little stupid things. That pisses me off." "You're scared," he nodded, understandingly. "I didn't say...sigh. I guess you're right on that, too. I'm not just angry, I'm terrified," Kat slumped down on the railing and leaned back to look up at the pinkish sky. "Steel Dreamer grabbed my worst fears and yanked them to the surface as easily as she might have snapped her fingers. And she's just a grunt, the real powers are in there," she pointed past her head in the direction the riverboat was now practically racing. She straightened back up. "I don't know why I'm telling you any of this anyway," she sighed. "Either you're omniscient and know it all anyway, or you're a moron and don't understand it." The VAXX suddenly turned and pointed at the shore. "Horsies!" he gleefully cried out, looking at midnight-hued stallions with flaming manes. "Nightmares," Kat sighed, a slight quaver in her voice. "Great." * * * * Shane grabbed Norman's crushing war club in one hand, noticing he felt a slight stinging in his palm as he did so. With his other hand, he punched the hulking man in the gut, knocking the wind out of him and stunning the lead Knight. Meanwhile, Russ and Tabitha were trying without success to catch Macroman in a crossfire, and Sidewinder was dodging between the flame blasts from Shana's kris. Macroman was sparring with Cory, who was doing a decent job of blocking the hero's strongest blows with his war fans, but didn't look like he'd last much longer against the attacks that were getting through. Something wasn't quite right here. On the offense, the Slipstick Knights seemed to be holding their own. But they couldn't take a punch. Shane grabbed Norman's club in both hands and swung hard, letting go so that Bear flew through the air. Catching his cue, Macroman maneuvered Russ into position so that his own leader fell on him. Both went down in a tangled heap. "Is it me, or does their armor not do jack squat?" Shane shouted over to Squidman, whose Deepsea armor had just saved him from a nasty slice from Cory's fans. Squidman replied with a spinning kick that snapped his opponent's head around. Cory staggered back, stunned. "No, I've been seeing it here too. I think we know where the dream influence is here...." Macroman zipped across the field of combat and dropped Tabitha and Shana in quick succession. "They only THINK the armor protects them. Apparently, this 'Fowlvarran' guy couldn't give them real protection, so he fixed it so they think they have decent armor." "Weapons are real," Sidewinder added, landing and brushing a bit of soot from a near miss off his shoulderpad. Meanwhile, Norman had gotten to his feet and gathered his allies around him. They looked uncertain, as if they were shocked by the beating they'd just been handed. "NOW surrender?" Squidman asked, tapping his energized trident on the ground for emphasis. "Never! Knights, it's time to summon the dragon!" "Dragon?" Shane asked. All five pulled out their slide rules and held them to the sky. The central stick extended and light streamed forth in a cone. On the horizon, a winged figure appeared, approaching at a tremendous rate. Its hide sparkled in the harsh winter sunlight, and black streamers from its wings fluttered in the wind. As it got closer, they could see that the beast's hide was made of unlabelled CDROMs, the fabric of its wings from magnetic tape, and its eyes from arcade game ROMs. "Behold!" Norman shouted. "Pyre-ate, the Dragon of Warez!" "Dream?" Sidewinder asked. "I...hope..." Squidman whispered. ============================================================================ Next Issue: The Dream Court revealed! For real this time! And maybe the Death Duck will actually show up! ============================================================================ Author's Notes: Okay, almost nothing in the "Next Issue" box from #92 was relevant to this issue. I decided to stretch out the trip in the dreamlands and make Shane's recovery trivial so that I could move on to the parody of the Mystic Knights of Tir na Nog. Why slide rules (aka slipsticks)? Well, as computing devices go, they're positively medieval, but also fun...like the Mystic Knights. And I wanted a pun that wasn't mean-spirited, like Spastic Knights or too strange like Lipstick Knights. That would have been a different kind of crossover, I think. }-> The Mystic Knights of Tir na Nog are the first completely original show by Haim Saban, the guy behind the Power Rangers. Set in a highly fictionalized mythic Ireland, the main characters are: Rohan, Mystic Knight of Fire; Princess Deirdre, Mystic Knight of Air; Angus, Mystic Knight of Earth; Prince Ivar, Mystic Knight of Water; and latecomer Prince Garrett, Mystic Knight of the Forest. They can summon Pyre, the Dragon of Dare, using daggers that appear when they summon their Mystic Armors (which also don't appear to protect them a whole lot). The toys are excellent, and the show is actually generally not horrible. For those joining us recently, the Constellation Gang first appeared in Dvandom Force #55, when I was doing a Ronin Warriors riff. The armors used by the heroes here are from that storyline, and I brought them back mainly so I could have "sentai transformation sequence" overload. Heh. Before coming back in time and eventually joining Dvandom Force, Shane Boxer was part of an alternate future resistance group known as Dvandomforce, patterned after Transformers: Masterforce. Glossary: (Not all terms used this issue, but included for completeness) Cross Over - To enter the dreaming world either physically or with an overwhelming psychic presence, thus generating a new dreamscape. Crossover - One who has crossed over, usually the ruler of a dreamscape. Dream Court - A place where disputes between rulers of dreamscapes are resolved. Sometimes run by an absolute ruler who hands down decisions, sometimes acts as a parliament or even a place for individual dealmaking. Dreamer - A mind projected into a dreamscape. Not really there, cannot be physically harmed but might be psychologically damaged. Will vanish upon waking. Bisz are one form that weaker dreamers take when in Harnegu. Dreaming World - Any reality which can theoretically be observed or entered by the dreaming mind of a sleeping being. Usually refers to the specific dreamworld of the speaker. Dream Princess/Prince - Derogatory term for a neophyte Dreamqueen or Dreamking, implying lack of experience and power. Dreamqueen, Dreamking, etc - The ruler of a dreamland. Does not connote relative power in the dreamworld, and only the permanent residents of the Dream Court usually bother with other titles. Dreamscape, Dreamland - An individual domain created and/or ruled by a powerful presence who has either broken through from the waking world, or is descended from one who did. Dreamscapes attract Dreamers, especially those with some contact with the dreamscape's creator. Dreamworld - An agglomeration of anywhere from one to infinite dreamscapes, where it is possible for different dreamscapes to interact or even absorb each other. Specific rules vary. Harnegu - AKA Net.Zealand. The dreamscape generated by the VAXX when he crossed over, but ruled initially by Mr. Gain and now ruled by Lynk. A very new and isolated dreamscape, but eclectic in the dreamers it attracts. Nightmare - When used as a title, it refers to a being that can inflict bad dreams on dreamers. Most are natives, born into the dreamworld without a realm of their own to rule, and they absorb negative imagery from dreamers to use on other dreamers later on. The exact nature of Nightmares is as varied as the dreamworlds they inhabit, but people can have bad dreams without the intercession of a Nightmare. Stahltraumer(in), die - The Steel Dreamer. Roaming bearer of the authority of the Dream Court in the dreamworld that includes Harnegu. Charged with the business of locating possible conflicts in the outer realms that have not yet established ties with the Court directly, or choose to remain isolated from the politics there. Waking World - Everything that isn't the Dreaming World, but generally referring to the realities that supply dreamers to a particular dreamworld.