.|. COHERENT COMICS UNINCORPORATED ---X------------------------------------------------------------------------- '|` PRESENTS DVANDOM | -. -. -. | ________| ____ \ ,___ \ ____ \ ________| | .' \ | | / ` | | | | | | | / ___| | | | | ` / | | __| | | < | __| | | | ,--- \ \ | | | \ | | \ ` | | | / | \ / | ___| _______-' ___| ____\ -______-' ____________| #51 - "Crosscodes" copyright 1995 by Dave Van Domelen ============================================================================= [cover has Skysabre and Net.us being pushed apart by a brandy-soaked old wreck in a trenchcoat and pith helmet. Cover copy: "Ginjack!"] ============================================================================= The bar's back room was filled with heroes, antiheroes, villains, antivillains and assorted other characters, but most of them are owned by somebody else and we can't say who they are. A few of them, however, we do have permission to use. Fortunately, this story is about them and not about one of the characters we can't use. It'd be awfully tough if this story was about someone we lack permission to use, eh? [Get ON with it, man! - Editor] Ahem. The back room of the bar was filled with smoke from some unknown source, and a haze of half-heard conversations filled the ears of all present. Near the front sat the most recent arrivals, a motley quintet of characters known as Dvandom Force. They sat in grim silence, awaiting the next plot development like hawks awaiting the emergence of a rabbit from its burrow that they might pounce upon.... "GET ON WITH IT, MAN!" shouted everyone in the bar, thoroughly annoyed that the narrator was having so much trouble getting the narrative moving. Pushed to the end of endurance by the interminable wait for their own plot advancement, they resented that someone else was getting first turn, especially sinceURRRGHK! [The narrator has been strangled. Mr. Macro has agreed to read the following statement to get the story going. Editor] "Ahem. Suddenly there was a familiar musical sting and a disgusting old man stepped into the doorway, blocking out almost none of the sunlight with his wizened old frame. Thank you, recordings of this statement will be available for 20p at any good chemist." Squidman was first to recognize the head atop the now-withered frame. "Bludwulf! How did you get here?" "I'm not sure. Aaaaahhhh, I'm in condition tonight. I was chasing that dratted penguin when suddenly BLURGIE! there's a wallop on me nut and I wake up here in a trenchcoat. I've gained a nickname among the locals, they call me Ginjack, though I haven't the foggiest idea why." Denis turned to the bartender, "I'll have a gin, Jack!" "My name's not Jack!" replied the bartender with a hint of annoyance. "In that case, I'll have a brandy." Taking the bottle before the bartender could start pouring the liquor into a shot glass, Ginjack took a seat with the others. "What brings the lot of you here?" "Testing out a replacement for the Penguin of Goon. We're just hanging around while the engines cool and test data is calibrated," answered Squidman. "What, other than plot contrivance, brings you to this particular bar?" "Ahhh, this is where they take bets on Net.us's hunts, lad. And I'm nothing if not a gambling man." "Who's Net.us?" asked Kid Macro, designated exposition-eliciter for the issue. "Net.us is an interdimensional bounty hunter of some sort, I hear. Only goes after mass-spammers and other notorious enemies of the Net." "So, the betting is on whether he'll get his man?" asked Kopikat. "Of course not! It's on how many minutes it takes for Net.us to kill his target. I certainly feel sorry for this Skysabre person I hear he's after." "Um..." started Skysabre. * * * * Not particularly trusting the Peril Room lately, DoomMonger was instead using an empty corner of the Flight.Thingy Bay to practice in, wearing a Virtual.Thingy helmet and firing simulated guns at simulated imps. It wasn't quite as satisfying as blowing imps away in the Peril Room, but it also wasn't nearly as dangerous. Oh, dangers like being carved up by imps Drebbin could live with. It was the surreal and sometimes quite silly dangers which had plagued the Peril Room of late which bothered him. What would happen next time, giant plaid robotic bunnies invading the LNHQ thanks to a Peril Room glitch? Extradimensional claims adjusters popping in through the teleporters? No thanks, he thought, better to not open that particular Pandora's Box for a while. Feeling a light touch on his shoulder he started to turn and fire, but quickly caught himself and pulled off the helmet. Anything he might feel physically had to be real. Turning about, he saw Ultimate Ninja facing him. "Admirable reflexes. It is as important to develop the ability to not attack as it is to attack. After all, not everything is a target," cautioned the master of abstruse arts. He paused for a moment, decided that DoomMonger lacked the patience for conversation, shrugged and got to the point. "Although many of the Legion bear ill will towards Squidman for his actions, I have noticed your feelings run far more deeply than anyone else's." Trying to remain calm, DoomMonger couldn't stop his fists from clenching visibly as he said between gritted teeth, "You don't kill a teammate." "What would you do to save Sig.Lad RIGHTNOW!" shouted the LNH leader. "Well, there has to be...." "Too late!" Ultimate Ninja rapped DoomMonger on the head with a bamboo shoot. "Sig.Lad is now subverted by Master Workload and we all have only minutes to live. Dramatic narrative compression notwithstanding, that is how long Squidman had to think of a plan. He knew the threat Master Workload posed, knew he had to act." "But it's wrong to kill a teammate!" protested the extradimensional demon-hunter. "It is more wrong to let a friend live to become the end of all that is. Tell me, how many of your former teammates did you kill before coming to the Looniverse?" "But that's different!" "How so? They were possessed. You slew them to prevent them from escaping and destroying all of humanity." "But they were already possessed. They were dead already, I was just killing the demons using their bodies." "Perhaps. Perhaps their spirits still lived in those bodies and could be redeemed. Perhaps you could have captured the demons instead of killing them, a cure could have been found." "I couldn't, damn you! They were too powerful and getting stronger all the time...I was the only one who could stand against them. Don't you think I know they could have been saved? But the only way I could save others outside was to kill the demons!" Perhaps there was a slight grin beneath his cowl, but it didn't show in the ninja's voice. "Precisely. Squidman was the only one who could act in time to do something to stop Master Workload from taking over Sig.Lad. The only thing he could think to do in that short time was what he did. Perhaps it is not Squidman's actions which anger you so, but the fact that they remind you of your own dilemma." DoomMonger hung his head for a moment. When he raised his eyes to start to reply, the ninja was gone.... * * * * Net.us sailed effortlessly over the streets of Imnotsure, his powers letting him avoid the No-Fly Zones which dotted the city. He could sense them from far away and make the course corrections necessary. He could also sense his target, one who was called Acton Lord and was now attempting to hide behind the identity of Skysabre. The deception might work on a normal man, but Algernon hadn't been normal for a long time. The Werk was to thank for that. It had picked him out of millions to be its personal hitman, rubbing out any who offended its sense of order and productivity. At first he had relished his powers...the enhanced senses, the FusionKansels, especially the flight. But over the years he had tired of the job and tried many times to retire. But the Werk always dragged him back in, conveniently forgetting promises made and broken. But maybe if he killed this "Skysabre" quickly enough, he'd have some time to himself before the Werk remembered it had a servant. Marder's Bar. They always seemed to congregate there...the scum and the downtrodden former heroes, drawn by the cheap booze and the chance at plot development. He entered, ignoring as best he could the stench of stale beer and fresh vomit. "Do not panic. I seek only the one calling himself Skysabre. The rest of you will not be harmed. Running will only make it painful on you, Skysabre." The target's friends interposed themselves while the target himself made a dive for the back door. So predictable.... * * * * On Buffer Island it was a balmy two hundred and eighty degrees...Kelvin. An isolated weather observation post bravely stuck its satellite dish up into the harsh winds whipping this high point on the island. A careful observer would notice, however, that the winds didn't quite seem to deflect off the walls of the station.... In fact, the structure was mere holographic camoflage. If an observer were to poke his head inside the building he'd have seen a high tech miniature fortress...for the fraction of a second of life he had left. The only thing real about the station's external appearance was the satellite dish which was anchored to the top of an odd tower. The whole station looked vaguely reptilian...and it also looked uncomfortably mobile. In fact, it was merely the third form of Necrosaur, the fearsome war engine of DeFacto V! As the vantage point comes in out of the wind, we see three smaller figures sitting inside the main assembly area of the fortress. Two were engaged in some sort of simulator training while the third pored over files which scrolled across his very eyes instead of across a terminal. "Anything interesting on, boss?" asked one of the two working on a flight simulator. "Perhaps, Steelheart. I've managed to establish a link via AsiaOnline... they apparently don't care if supervillains use their services. And I've found a very interesting archive of fiction, something called 'Superguy.'" "Aren't there enough fictional superheroes here without looking for more?" asked the one who had not yet spoken. "Actually, I was hoping to find some inspiration in these files, Darkheart. Direct assault failed miserably, and using any tactic I remember from my days as Sig.Lad would have little more chance of success, since the LNH would be ready for it. Hence, while this other universe may not be as real as this one, it has different stories. And in one of them I may find the key to regaining mastery of time." The two underlings accepted this and returned to their practice. Moments later DeFacto broke the silence. "Aha! Why didn't I think of it myself?" "A plan already, boss?" asked Steelwind. "Not quite, but the means to gain some much-needed reinforcements in the event my plan requires more power than we already possess. I was reading the 'Team M.E.C.H.A.' series as one likely to give me inspiration, and while scanning one of the spinoff titles I found something I could practically kick myself for not thinking of already. Here, access the story yourselves." The other two paused for a moment as the text flashed into their minds. Darkheart was the first to assimilate it. "Zoomers? Aren't they fairly weak...not to mention not native to this place?" "No, think a little less literally. Approximately a year ago in this timeframe there was an invasion from a reality populated by RoboMACs, an invasion that laid the stage for my own ascension later on. Although all the alien RoboMACs were banished, there exist somewhat inferior copies created by Acton Lord, some of which were later used by Schwa Khan." "I see," replied Steelwind, "you figure to raid the junkyards for Robo parts and cobble together enough for a decent strike force, just like this College Anarchist guy did with the Zoomers [see Mike & Friends #1-15 on Superguy - Ed.]. But do they just leave that kind of dangerous stuff lying around in junkyards?" DeFacto chuckled, a deep, evil laugh. "You still haven't truly come to understand what a chaotic, SILLY place this was before I rose to power and fixed it, have you? Not only will the junkyard have the untouched remains of the Drones, it may also have dozens of other extremely dangerous...and useful...technologies scattered about from other storylines. We shall check the Sig.Ago landfills first. They not only had fairly heavy drone action, but they also didn't have their contents raided by Schwa Khan. And my spy eyes indicate Dvandom Force is gone on another mission, so this is an excellent time to go...dumpster diving." * * * * "Oh, my achin' struts..." moaned a dirtbike as it puttered down the road. "First those nasty townsfolk beat me up [after Dvandom Force #41 - Ed] and then I get mistaken for another dirtbike by some superheroes [you figure it out - Ed]. I want my mommy." ATV Frank wheezed to a stop and fell on his side. He tried to transform to humanoid form, but only succeeded in looking more wrecked. Just then he heard the ominous sound of a garbage truck rumbling down the street. It stopped next to him and a man got out. "help!" he said feebly. But the man was grooving to headphones turned up to eleven and didn't hear him. "Man, someone really laid this one down. Time for the scrap pile, little dirtbike." "no! i am not an animal, i am a human being! pooooopieeeeee!" ATV Frank shouted as he was dumped in the back of the garbage truck. "hey, a bunzai's pizza box...." * * * * "Don't fly into that cloudbank!" warned Sidewinder from the cockpit. "Why?" "It's not a cloudbank...it's an area of Maximum Uncertainty," Sidewinder grunted out through clenched teeth as Skysabre pulled a high-gee turn that simultaneously avoided the 'clouds' and a FusionKansel bolt from Net.us. "No telling where it'd take us...and without the Sidestep Device, we could be stranded there." Less than a minute ago, the powerful Net.us had confronted Dvandom Force in Marder's Bar. When it became apparent that A: Net.us was only after Skysabre and B: he wouldn't stop until Skysabre had been Cancelled, the team had split up. Sidewinder was using his limited knowledge of the area to help 'Sabre evade Net.us while the rest of the team tried to come up with a better plan than "run like hell." Kat was in constant contact with 'Sabre by radio, although the signal got fuzzy at times. They all agreed that fleeing to the Looniverse wasn't an option...if Net.us could access Imnotsure, he could access the Looniverse. He had to be either defeated, bargained with or tricked. Unfortunately, there hadn't been time for Skysabre to link up with his 'Vector, and his only ranged weapon in jet mode was useless against Net.us, who didn't depend on neutrino power. Thus, it was simply a matter of time until Net.us tagged him with a FusionKansel and wiped him from existence. <> asked 'Sabre as he took a tight turn into an alleyway between a row of semi-detached Manchester flats and an Aztec temple. <> <> <> <> "Gah! Watch out for the moose!" screamed Sidewinder. <> <> "Sidewinder, concentrate on using your powers!" "Huh? I'm not sure I even have powers anymore...and there's no guarantee I can even affect Net.us!" "Not on him, on me. I've got a theory on what residual powers you may be left with but >AGH<," he shuddered as part of a wingtip vanished into the KanselZone, almost crashing before he could restore the field integrity. "Do it, NOW!" Sidewinder concentrated. It had been a long time since he'd intentionally activated any power, but he could remember how it had been back then during the Kinda Big Darkness Saga. A bolt of FusionKansel power lanced out towards them. * * * * Algernon was almost enjoying himself. It had been a long time since he'd actually had anything resembling a challenge. It was almost enough to make him enjoy the job. But then he remembered all the thankless tasks, all the pleading faces he'd consigned to nothingness, all the broken promises and lost loves. Steeling himself, he decided to end the chase now. The FusionKansel bolt left his fingertips and washed over the strangely- maneuverable F-15, which vanished into nothing. He blinked. Had it vanished a moment before the blast hit? Perhaps the previous shot had connected more solidly than he thought, merely taking a few moments to erase his target. No matter. His Werk-granted senses could detect no sign of Skysabre anywhere in Imnotsure, nor any sign that he had left the dimension. Net.us felt a twinge of regret that he'd had to destroy an innocent in the process. The other man may have been an ally of the target, but he may also have been little more than a dupe...or hostage. One more injustice the Werk would have to answer for. Eventually. For now, it was back into retirement, to dream of freedom from the Werk. Net.us departed. * * * * "He's leaving?" "He thinks he destroyed us. Doesn't anything feel familiar to you?" "No, I...wait. Yes, it does! We're sidelined! But that never worked like Lurking before...." "I don't think it's related to Lurking, actually. Rather, you've taken us so completely out of the plot that he thought we were gone. He could see us, but his mind wouldn't acknowledge the fact. Removing the corrupted taint of my...Acton Lord's powers from you allowed you to more fully, more purely reach the Sidelines. As long as we're here, we can't affect the plot directly, but the plot cannot affect us either. Now relax, let yourself rejoin the action." Suddenly the narrator noticed the characters returning to the plot, as did people on the street below. <<'Sabre, you there? We lost your signal for a moment.>> <> ============================================================================== NEXT ISSUE: DeFacto meets ATV Frank and finds a certain cardboard box! Other stuff happens! Part two of "The Kooks of Magic" unfolds as well, as Rotanna and the VAXX explore...oops, better show part one first. ============================================================================== THE KOOKS OF MAGIC - Part One A Rotanna Solo Adventure Guest-Starring the VAXX We all inhabit two worlds. One real, full of plotlines and character development, of expectations and failures. One subtly twisted and rotated, a dreamworld where anything can happen and usually will. This is the story of Anna Tanner, freelance superhero and stage magician also known as Rotanna, and of her ties to the VAXX. Ties which hold a secret that could destroy her...or make her the most important person in two universes. I could help them uncover this secret...nah! I think I'll have some fun first! .oOo. .oOo. It's time for 501 Blues. My connection's not working, but I remember all the episodes in my head. Someone told me once that 501 Blues had been cancelled, or was on indefinite hiatus or something. Oh, I know all the characters are just fictional, the writer's probably doing something else now, but that's okay. The issues in my head are better than the ones on the net anyway. A cab stops at the entrance to my new alley. I had to leave the old one after I got in a fight with some friends of Mr. Gain. My new site is much better anyway. "Hey, you jerk! This isn't my stop. Damn." A lady. Some kind of Vertigo fan to judge by her outfit, but appearances can be deceiving. The cab driver's in cahoots with a couple of local muggers, they split the proceeds with him from anyone he drops off to rob. She'll be okay, though, Moose and Spoon'll be in the hospital a long time after they tried to take my serial ports. Maybe I should warn her. This is still a bad part of town. Then again, she might be one of those independent women who resents big guys like me trying to play protector. Better to leave well enough alone. .oOo. .oOo. Rotanna cursed as she craned her neck, looking for another cab to hail. This was a crummy part of town to get stranded in, even for a superhero. "Hey, are you perverted?" asked a short punk with a handful of fliers. "Call this number!" He started to shove a flier at Rotanna. He stunk of foul magic of some sort. She recoiled in revulsion. "FGNAQ ERIRNYRQ!" she shouted, proving that this title can be even more reader-unfriendly than Limp-Asparagus Lad. Nothing happened. Nothing good, anyway...the creep was joined by two others just like him. "Lily is lonely!" wailed one, "**LOOKY HERE**" shouted the other. They started pressing fliers on her, fliers which stuck and felt like leeches. Panicking, she tried an offensive spell. "RKCYBQR VAGB CVRPRF!" Still nothing happened. Her magic wasn't working! Kicking one of them in its oddly squishy head, she made a last try before running like hell. "JVAQF OYBJ!" Winds whipped up around her, but didn't have any effect on the pint-sized sphammers. Her magic was working, but for some reason not on them. She turned to run, only to see a dead-end alley one way and a half dozen more of these...things...in human form blocking her way. "DIE, BISZES!" shouted a powerfully built squat figure decked out in beige plastic moulding and with serial ports replacing his middle fingers as he burst out of a refrigerator box a few meters down the alley. "Zrrc?" said one of the Biszes (for that is what they were) just before sixteen pins of pain slammed into its face, turning it into a pile of plaid goo. "Sphammers! Tell Mr. Gain his scams won't work here! I am the VAXX! I protect the streets! The fiends scattered to the four winds before the onslaught. Rotanna peeled a bit of paper with a phone number on it from her hair and turned to her rescuer. "Thanks for the save. I go by the handle Rotanna, but I'm kinda retired right now...call me Anna." "And I am...." "The VAXX, you said. You live here?" "This is my site, yes. It gets lousy feed rate and I can't seem to ever access the Johnny Pneumatic web page contest, but it's free." "C'mon, I've got an apartment about half a mile from here, least I can do is help you get cleaned up and get you something to eat. Um, is that a mask, or are you a robot or something?" she asked, pointing at the CRT atop his massive shoulders. "I'm...not sure, actually." "Well, we can figure that out later. Let's go. Y'know, there's something strangely familiar about you, but I can't place it." .oOo. .oOo. I didn't tell Anna yet that I know her, I've met her in Net.Zealand many times. But if she doesn't remember me from there, maybe it's not the time to tell her about the sheep. I wonder if her apartment gets alt.comics.lnh? It's almost time for 501 Blues.... ============================================================================= Author's Notes: The main plot for this issue was a continuation of ripping off First Comics' "Crossroads" issue 5, the fight between Nexus and Dreadstar with a little help from Grimjack. Net.us's general angsting is in line with Horatio "Nexus" Hellpop's attitude at the time of Crossroads #5. The original chase scene was far longer and involved a few more clever bits to it, but I didn't want to run it into the next issue, nor did I want to push back the start of the backup series. The "Kooks of Magic" story is, as should be obvious by now, not a ripoff of DC's "Books of Magic," but rather of the early issues of the MAXX series. No attack on Todd is intended by using 501 Blues to stand in for Cheers, I simply needed a series that was relatively famous yet also essentially gone (like Cheers). I've only read the first six issue of the MAXX and the season closer of the animated version hasn't hit yet, so I may do an abrupt plotline change during this series as I find out more about the source material...not that you'd notice if I didn't tell you. }-> In any case, this won't be a tight parody, more of an "inspired by" parody. "Are you perverted?" "Lonely Lily" and "**LOOKY HERE**" are all spams that have hit in the last few days and been cancelled. The recent Lonely Lily spam was forged in the name of a major spam-canceller and the return path forged to cause more trouble for pobox.com, the victim of the previous Lonely Lily address-forging.