Something Eldritch This Way Shambles

Author: Gary W. Olson



Donahue spent a few minutes exulting. He then paused, and looked back through the portal. No Cthulhu. Everyone waited some more.

"Hello?" Donahue called through the portal. "O Lord Dread Master! We're waiiiii-ting..." More time passed. Someone yawned.

"What'sa matter, Phil?" Letterman asked, rocking back on his heels a bit, a slight grin on his face. Donahue just glared at him and called again. Finally, everyone saw a shape ambling towards them. The shoggoth was sort of gelatinous, and tended to bubble a lot. It was also wearing a 'Gap' t-shirt.

"Yeah, whad'ya want?" it asked as it got closer.

"I'm Phil Donahue, the leader of SNUCCI, the Severely Nasty Undead Cthulhuoid Cultists Inc," Phil said. "Is the lord and dread master Cthulhu in?"

"Whad'a I look like, an information booth?" the bubbling mass asked. "I just work at the Gap."

"Gap?" Radian asked. "Ancient, sunken R'lyeh has a Gap?"

"Just opened last week," the shoggoth replied.

"Wow, they really are everywhere," Faith marveled. HotFlash shushed him.

"Hang on, I'll go get someone," the shoggoth said. It left. More time passed. Another shoggoth, which had a bow tie and a pocket protector clipped to it's amorphous body, shambled up to the dimensional hole.

"May I help you?" it asked nasally.

"We're here to bring our lord dread master Cthulhu over to this altiverse," Phil Donahue said.

"For what reason?" it inquired.

"Total enslavement of Earth, mass destruction, the end of life as we know it, that sort of thing," Leno said.

"Hmmm," it said, somehow conveying a disapproving tone. "I'm afraid the lord dread Cthulhu is not in right now. If you'd care to stop in later, I'll see if I can get you an audience."

"Um, if you don't mind my asking, where is he?" Letterman asked. "We were kind of planning to go on with the mass destruction today."

The shoggoth managed a sniff. "Well, if you *must* know, the lord dread Cthulhu crossed over to your altiverse two full weeks ago."

There was a pause of stunned silence.

"Two weeks ago?" Donahue said. "He never said anything about it to us?"

"Oh, and I suppose the lord dread Cthulhu is supposed to register his every movement with you twits, is that it?" the shoggoth said, inching forward menacingly. Donahue quickly inched backwards.

"No, no, of course not," he said placatingly. "Could you tell me, um, where he is right now?"

"How should I know?" the shoggoth said. "All he told me was 'I've found a passage to the Superguy altiverse - hold all my calls' and he was gone. Now if you don't mind, I've got work to do. Can you believe what a pigstye this place is? I just can't see how he stands it..." The shoggoth was continuing to rant as it shambled off, down the path to the evil looking city of R'lyeh. MeltDown blasted the dimensional portal device into little tiny pieces, and the bridge between the two dimensions abruptly ceased.

Episodes: 5 (September - October 1992)

Major Characters:

Tommy Anderson has unwittingly allowed the dread eldritch god Cthulhu to escape from ancient, sunken R'lyeh into the modern world. But Cthulhu is confused and perplexed by the society that he finds, and is depressed by the fact that everyone around him is too braindead to be turned insane by his mere presence. CalForce's task is to get to Cthulhu before SNUCCI does, and convince him to return to R'lyeh through any means at their disposal.

This storyline is notable for featuring the most repulsive kissing scene in Superguy history - even more repulsive than a scene involving any two of the Ill Dudes kissing. Other than that, it's okay.

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