Ramrod: Media Darling

Author: Bill Dickson

Email: wrd@beer.wa.com

MILWAUKEE (AP) - People had only been talking about alleged cannibal Jeffrey Dahmer for a day when the announcement that Ramrod's 'Girl, It's Ramrod Again' tour was coming here made them all forget that anything was wrong. And though many of his former friends accuse him of selling out, one look at the shelves of any store will prove that there are plenty of people willing to buy.

Ramrod action figures, sporting a lighter, hipper version of the trenchcoat and sunglasses that Ramrod used to wear, his black shoes replaced by hightop sneakers, are selling at an astonishing rate. RRInc., the company formed by CIA records to market the figures, has hit the Fortune 500 list in the first three weeks of its existence due to sales of the figures alone.

But they won't be stopping there. For sale at the concert, and by next week in toy stores nation wide, will be a whole collection of new Ramrod toys. A larger doll, using technology similar to that of the Teddy Ruxpin bears, will lip-synch and dance on their stands as they play Ramrod CD singles. The company has hired twenty animators away from Disney, and plans to air a Ramrod cartoon show beginning next month. And the hottest girls' fashion item this year? A small pink trenchcoat similar in style to the black one worn by Ramrod. It comes with prewritten promises (to stay off drugs, go to church, obey parents, and trust the government) that the girls can sign and mail to the Ramrod fan club to register as an official fan. The US Postal Service has hired hundreds of additional carriers to deal with the additional load...

Episodes: 5 (September 1991)

Major Characters:

Ramrod returns from Jupiter and the entity known as Cyrebrax, apparently the sole survivor of a cosmic adventure that is yet to be told. Visiting Bill Paul (the character, not the Author) and retrieving several of his possessions -- including Gus -- he is captured by federal agents. With the aid of psionic agent-for-hire Ennui, he is brainwashed and seduced into filling the role left vacant after the New Kids on the Block were revealed to be agents of Satan -- that of insipid hip songster appealing to young girls between the ages of nine and fourteen.

The songs he performs, and the subliminal messages they contain, make him the biggest pop sensation in the history of the target audience, as well as instilling a government-approved moral code in the girls through the use of subtle brainwashing techniques and songs like "Trust the Government, Girl," "Girl, It's You," and "Girl Girl Girl Girl Girl." His albums sell so many copies that, statistically, every girl between the ages of nine and fourteen in the United States (and some as far away as the Moon) owns multiple copies of each album on vinyl, tape, and CD.

It takes an assassination attempt to shake him up, and a visitation from the dead to wake him up, before Ramrod begins to snap out of it. With the help of Gus, the Moose Illuminati, and Elvis himself, he stages a final concert to break free of Ennui's spell, escape the feds, and undo some of the damage he has done.

A mix of the serious and silly in a deadpan style, this series was intended as Ramrod's final appearance in a list that was, presumably, being eradicated from existance. The events and relationships described became the basis for several stories and plot devices used much later in Superguy Digest's history.

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