Criticalman: The Movie

Author: Gary W. Olson



"Hey!" Carl exclaimed. "Where'd the donuts go?"

"We're thousands of feet in the air, Carl!" Simon exclaimed. The car plummeted, landing on the hot air balloon. Surprisingly, the balloon didn't crumble under the weight.

"This your doing too?" George asked.

"No," Criticalman answered. "They must have one hell of a reinforced frame on this baby." He opened the door. "Gentlemen, you'll be safe if you stay in the car. I've got to get down there and take them out."

Criticalman stepped onto the thin fabric of the balloon and slid. Frantically, he tried to get a foothold, then remembered he was still wearing roller skates, and tried for a handhold instead. He grabbed the balloon fabric, which miraculously resisted tearing.

Carefully, he made his way to the rope ladder that ran from the hot tub below to the top of the balloon for no discernable reason, and began to climb down. It was very difficult work, especially in roller skates.

As he approached the hot tub, he heard voices.

"I tell you, we're still too heavy!" the Producer growled.

"Not Tor's fault!" Tor Johnson protested. "Only had salad at Olive Garden today."

"We suddenly managed to acquire a half ton of weight while in flight," Hugh Beaumont (America's Dad) said. "Explain that."

"Um...big bird?" Tor asked.

"No!" Criticalman yelled. "It was me!" He hit Lee Van Cleef with a roller skate, knocking him into The Producer. Richard Kiel swung and connected with Criticalman's jaw, sending him sprawling into Mr. Bigwig. Bigwig pushed him back up, only to be hit by Tor, and sent flying into open space.

Episodes: 4 (May-June 1993)

Major Characters:

Here's a lovely, fast-paced bit o'filth about bad movies, bad actors, and the heroes forced against their will to act in and with them, respectively. The Producer's using it all to rob a bank, of course, but since when is that not normal for Hollywood?

This was the series that elevated Criticalman from movie critic status to movie star status. It also featured, in the last episode, a rather nifty satire on the 'Die Hard' genre of action films, set entirely on a combination hot-air balloon/hot tub.

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