Pointless Awards Man, in conjunction with the OMEGA, TAD, ESP, LNH,
KEWL, KS, LBP, ELECK, NTC, SG and MISC Universes Presents:

                        A Pseudo-Random Production of:

                                                        A JJMcC textfile

                       o  o  o  o  o  o  o  o  o  o  o
                     o           The 1997             o
                  o  o         (4th Annual)           o  o
               o  o  o         rACCIE AWARDS          o  o  o
   o  o  o  o  o  o  o  o  o  o  o  o  o  o  o  o  o  o  o  o  o  o  o 

        "This is Helen Downey, of the New Troy Daily Herald, on special
assignment for _Good Morning New Troy_.  I told them when I accepted
this job that I wasn't going in for that determinedly good-natured
infotainment approach, so here goes.
        "So how self-indulgent are awards ceremonies? An inbred
community gets
together and decides to get publicity by rewarding its members with
self created, arbitrarily conferred awards that serve to boost
television ratings and make everyone's profits soar.  And oh by the way,
boost the egos of a select few 'artists' that could really do without
the validation.
        "Say one thing for these ego-fests, they understand the impact
of a good dose of pomp and circumstance.  Here at the Net on the Great
in downtown Net.ropolis, lights glitter, flash bulbs pop, limousines
purr and schmaltz flows freely.  Heroes and heroines (and not a few
play chicken with each other, seeing who can get closest to the line
between extravagant fashion and over-the-top kitsch.  I believe the
explosion of bulbs behind me indicates that Writer's Block Woman has
again overshot by a tremendous margin.  The limos have started rolling
up fast and furious.  The word seems to have gotten out that Joan
Hamilton and Allen Covenant found the bar.  For the first time in years,
Allen is drinking with two fists.  Brain Boy and F.I.S.H. Force are
and waving -- you can always tell the newcomers to these things.  Their
and optimism loudly accuse these affairs as the shams they are.
        "The next limo appears to belong to Cybernet.  Yes, the first
out is SPLoTcH!  He is hanging all over his date...literally.  Next out
is...Look out!!"
        "It appears Crazy Guy has crashed his motorcycle into the back
of the CYBERNET limo.  He's getting up, he's ok.  Naturally, he has no
thought of picking up the mess.  Net.ropolis is used to this abuse, and
frankly local revenues from this event far outweigh the danger to life
and limb in the minds of civic leaders.
        "As CYBERNET struggles out of their crushed vehicle, the next
has already stolen the spotlight from them.  Blue Flame and Twister
dressed to the near side of the kitsch line are coolly traversing the
media gauntlet.  Their affair is rumored on the rocks, but for this
public event they force themselves to civility.  Such emotional travails
should at least tell these veteran heroes that this event has become a
        "Behind them, Plasma and his mom, a bevy of Harrakin invaders,
oh, it appears taking advantage of the nighttime venue, Donna and Amber
from _Blood Ties_.  Outside the confines of their title they do not
shy about outing themselves  -- as a lesbian inter-living couple. 
is determined to make an impression on the event all RACC is watching.
        "Perhaps my cynicism is misplaced though.  Perhaps
some measure of forgiveness could be extended to heroes that protect
their various universes year after year -- forgiveness for this unseemly
orgy of overindulgence and self-absorption....kkkkhhht"

        "Helen?  Helen can you hear us?  Darny-darn.  We seem to have
lost her Kevin."
        "I know Molly.  Did you see Writer's Block Woman?  Zowee! What a
        "Ha, ha.  Gloomy Helen seemed a little down on the whole thing
though.  Maybe we can pick up a more festive feed, I think the producers
are saying we can get Joey MacIntyre, Channel 20 Pulse City."
        "I guess now we know why she's a print journalist, Molly!"
        "Ha ha, oh Kevin.  Until we return...'Good Morning New Troy!'"
        "Good Morning New Troy!"

                . . o o 0 0 O O O O O 0 0 o o . .

        "Hey there, hi there, ho there RACConteurs!  For those of you
that don't know me, I'm Pointless Awards Man fresh from my home in limbo
to host this year's RACC Awards Show!  Pause for Applause...oops, sorry
folks, I wasn't supposed to read that out loud.  Seems like this crowd
gets bigger every year, I can barely see the back of the hall, and
that's without Ben Rawluck's old stable!
        "Before we go any further, let me give a big 'shout out' to this
year's musical director -- Allen Covenant and RACC's Most Dangerous
Rhythm Section!"
        "SmbndnnngrrHAH!  FRRBLR!  SHHhh...burp."  Bangle, crash, tinkle
thud.  Covenant's drunken display, culminating in his crashing through
his drum set is met with a smattering of confused applause before Badge
steps up to the mike.
        "Sorry about that PAM.  Allen managed to get to the bar before
we realized he was missing.  We're pretty sure he can still play
After a moment's thought, Badge added, "And I don't think that was
so we shouldn't panic."
        "Ok, uh, want to introduce the band?  Quickly."
        "Right, Allen will be playing drums, I'll be on bass guitar,
and Easily-Discovered Man Lite will be on Maracas."
        "He's your singer?"
        "Are you _MAD_?  Do you _LIKE_ bloody ears?  Just the Maracas."
        "No guitarist?  Keyboardist?"
        "No, we'll mostly be exploring some urban and African rhythms,
as well as some free form jazz.  AND YOU WILL LIKE IT OR I'LL KILL YOU."
        "Perfect for an awards ceremony.  At least we can get a drum
roll...in any case without further ado, let me introduce our first
presenter.  He's a man sure to get us off to a QUICK start and keep us
on a BRISK pace, a FAST talker and a RAPID study, let's RUSH him out:
FLASH photographer William Lee from OMEGA's _Info_ newsmagazine!"
        A flushed asian man seems to hold himself in check as he walks
to the mike.  "I don't care what the cue card says, I'm not doing any
speedster jokes."  There's a flurry of discarded cue cards before
William speaks again.  "And now for the Discretionary Awards, and
there's a few of 'em:"

"First, there's THE 'RUN! HE'S GOT AN AXE TO GRIND!' AWARD for the
most unusual review magazine on RACC.  The award is co-presented to
_The Slush Pile_, and _Sweaty Spandex Review_.  (Overhead, monitors show
a split screen of Stephen madly typing in the middle of the night and an
empty desk piled high with hate mail and a brass card reading "Paul Han

CERTIFICATE, which goes to Saxon Brenton, for his Bluey stories which
delayed NTB being declared dead for another year.  (Monitors show a red
headed man, yes in a trench coat, lighting up a cigarette as he walks
away from a burning house.)

"The 'IT SHOULD HAVE HAPPENED' AWARD goes to the Saint Doomas team for
attempted Cry Apathy crossover."  (Monitor's blank.)  "And the
follow-up award, 'PRE-EMPTIVE STRIKE', which goes to Apathy for winning
the war before the first battle.  Uh, I hope we're not going to give
to all the stories that _didn't_ come out this year."  Lee looks to
Awards Man offstage who is shakes his head in panic.

winner is Tom Russell's "Kewl" Imprint (The Magic Fruitcake and Brunette
ride a motorcycle through the White House hallways.)

"THE GLAD HE'S DOING IT, AND NOT ME AWARD is presented to both Mike
for bringing us RACC Presents and Eagle for moderating RACC.  (Monitors
show a cartoon rendition of an over muscular "RACC Presents Man"
shepherding many scared kids with OMEGA, LNH, KEWL, MISC T-shirts as an
Eagle bravely keeps a tidal wave of SPAM at bay.)

"Next we have the HARD DRIVE PURGE MEDAL, awarded to Gary Olson for
sharing his entire Superguy history with the RACC community, providing
some great stories, some huuge laughs, and some really daunting fair use
legalese.  (Monitors show a hopelessly shadowed fight scene, where
nothing can be made out except a hugely muscled, clumsy man and chaos.)
rACCIE lawyers have digitally blanked out anything that might get the
academy in trouble with SuperGuy's Legal Staff from Hell(tm).

to the creator of RACCCAfe, Dave Van Domelen.  Just ignore the 'Caution,
drinking from this Stein may cause your head to explode warning, Dave.'"
Laughter echoes through the hall.  William looks out, "I don't even know
what that means."  Someone sounding suspiciously like Arsenal yells out
"Then c'mon by for Happy Hour!" As the audience laughs, there's a blur
black where William is standing and a muted (thump, whuuf) from

"Now on to the Academy's Discretionary Awards.  THE RABBIT-BREEDERS CUP
for the most prolific writer of '97.  Great Gobs of prose only please.
Finalists are Matt Rossi (Cameras pan the audience, catching Tempest
up, flustered among reams of Invasions out takes) Tom Russell (Tom is
standing on his table yelling 'VOTTE FR MEE!' as nearby tables pelt him
with cocktail swords) and Dave Van Domelen (ASH, Dvandom Force and Crazy
Guy cast members for a human pyramid).  The winner is MATT ROSSI!!
(Tempest wades through the out takes to get the cup.)

to the writer whose work is most consistently late.  This year's
nominees are Scavenger (Rebel Yell still sits serenely somewhere in the
RACCCafe), Jeff Barnes (the Drizzt stands, gesturing madly to the single
97 issue of TALES OF CONTINUITY) and Michael Friedman (Arvie displays as
much dignity as a husky can when caught on the monitors sniffing Frost's
rear end).  The winner is SCAVENGER!!  Who, uh, appears to not be here
now..."  Lee puts down the gold watch.

RACC's favorite web page.  The finalists this year are Davey Jones'
page (the SEEKERS high five in military precision), the LNH webpage
(Manga Girl turns her upper torso completely backwards in shock, flaps
of schoolgirl uniform flying), and RACC Presents (all imprints start
swaying singing "We Are the World" to an African beat).  The winner is
DAVEY JONES' OMEGA PAGE!!  (A young man in hard hat and tool belt
modestly collects the award.)

"That's it for me."  With a swoosh of air, and a blur of black, Lee
disappears from stage.  Pointless Awards Man starts and rushes onto the
empty stage.  "Not too SWIFT an exit, was it?  In any case, let me
introduce our next presenter.  Straight from the year 2941, our very own
ultra-violent alien enforcer, the man who speaks sloppy but is ever
attentive to others' feelings, the incomprehensible Squadman!"

A hulking form in a four armed trench coat slides onto center stage. 
'head' boils and burbles as he speaks, but the silver translator around
his neck superimposes a cheerful metallic voice over his natural,
bass gurgle.

"You all interest me, I think.  Your applause is less than insulting!
Here, I give out the Spice of Life Awards, can you see?  First to hear
RACC14, the FAVORITE NEW WRITER.  The men at the end are Sean Daugherty
Boy and Catalyst Lass wade through the ruins of the LNHHQ), Kieran M.
O'Callaghan (Lawrence gapes as a flying herring cuts down an alien
fungus tree), and Stephen Reid (Captain Victory streaks into the sky
cheering reporters).  At the very end is KIERAN M. O'CALLAGHAN!!(Allison
and Lawrence start for the stage, but the Red Herring swoops in before
they get there.)

Next to hear is RACC13, the FAVORITE RUNNING GAG.  The men at the end
Exploding Heads (a jump-cut collage of exploding heads turns opinions
the evening's buffet), "It's a man's..." (Liefield's Porpoise runs in
his flippers in panic) and the RACC Cafe (another jump-cut collage of
takes is well suited get even Cheesecake Eater Lad to stop eating).  At
very end is EXPLODING HEADS!!  (the Infinite Bartenders all stand up to
the award, then explode their heads as one.  Many tuxedoes will not be
returned on time.)

Again and further next to hear is RACC12, the BEST FLAMEWAR.  The men at
end are Let's Kill The LNH! (Some sort of Cabbage Wielder is summarily
My Early Work Sucked (a jump-cut collage of pouting old-timers) and 
You Have Greatly Misunderstood The Purpose Of RACCCafe (some sort of
Wielder is summarily ignored.)  At the very end is LET'S KILL THE LNH!!
Cabbage Wielder mounts the stage, gestures dramatically, and forces all
LNHers to commit suicide only they don't.  He sheepishly gets his award
walks off.)

Final and next to hear is RACC11,  MOST IMPROVED AUTHOR.  The men at the
are Byron Molix (a shadowy commander commands a star ship above Graves'
World), Ben Rawluk (Lurker Lad and LNHers confront the LooniEarth-B
prophets of doom in the conference room), and Stephen Reid (H.E.L.P.
in a junk yard).  At the very end is STEPHEN REID!!  (H.E.L.P. applauds
vigorously as Captain Victory swoops to the stage with a grin.)  "My
fragrance has inconvenienced you to the utmost, and now I regret it.  If
we meet later I will cook you something!"  The four arms reproduce a
stiff obscene gesture.

Pointless Awards Man gives the obviously irate alien a wide berth in
retaking the podium.  "How about that ladies and gentlemen?  Let's give
the big lug a hand.  Thank god for polite translator engineers.  We're
and fully into the meat of the evening..uh geez, did the same guy do the
microphones here?  Our next presenter is a game addition to our
heck he's the gamiest. Let's give a warm welcome to the Mystic Avenger
no one wants for Christmas -- the Magic Fruitcake!"

In a motion that can neither be explained nor visualized a fruitcake
with no legs walks to the stage.  Then, with no hands, mouth, or other
visible organs, proceeds to read from cue cards.  "Hey folks!  Great to
be hear.  Want to here a joke?"  A resounding "NO!" quickly gets the
Fruitcake back on track.  "Ok, then let's start giving out the Big
Picture Awards.

"For RACC10, this year's FAVORITE NET.PERSONALITY, the finelists are
'Eagle' Allbery (the Eagle still holds back the SPAM wave),  Cornelius
[removed by request] (Super villains talk things over in a LNH holding cell)
and Matt
'Badger' Rossi (spotlight on the World's Most Dangerous Rhythm
Section).  The
winner is MATT ROSSI!!  (The bass starts thumping out 'Money' while the
and maracas do god knows what.  The fruitcake pitches the award into the
orchestra pit, momentarily silencing the drums.)

"RACC9, FAVORITE ACRAPHOBE OFFERING is nixt.  This year's finalists are
Guttertrash (superheroes hunt each other on rooftops), Invasions (aerial
of the Tisiradron in full swing) and Tales of the American Dream (a
young Dame Fortune sits soaked, and watches as a boy runs from her
basement).  The winner is GUTTERTRASH!!  (Goldmine walks on-stage, opens
mouth, shakes his head, then walks off again.)

Our next award is RACC8, the FAVORITE COMEDY OR PARODY.  Finalests are
F.I.S.H. Force (the COSMIC WHIM's disembodied head argues with Allison
while Lawrence vomits beneath them), Net.Vigilante #8 (Bertie Wooster
sips a
cocktail in a profoundly unsettling vest), Refugees of Net.ropolis (Mojo
and Loopy run down the LNHHQ halls) and Writer's Block Woman and Mouse
Plotline Lad and Topper fight a Spectral Harpy in the Big Red).  The
winner is
WRITER'S BLOCK WOMAN AND MOUSE!!  (WBW drags her daughter by the hand to
stage.  She gets the award, then Mouse drags her off before she can
start an
emotional acceptance speech.)

"And finally, RACC7, the FAVERITE UNIVERSE.  Finalists are the LNH
(Cheesecake-Eater Lad returns from the dead), OMEGA (a fleet of Harrakin
warships swarms above the Earth) and TAD (Doctor Dark Justice looks
slightly maniacal as New Argus burns).  The winner is...can this be
The Fruitcake looks offstage, and PAM nods his confirmation.  The winner
OMEGA!!  (Danny Anderson carries his daughter to the stage to accept the
award.  The room is psionically filled with his gratitude)

"That's it for me, see you soon!"  The Fruitcake waves in a way that
completely fails to account for his lack of limbs.  "How about it
folks?  Let's give a round of applause to those malleable laws of
physics!  Well, you thought there've been surprises to date, let's have
our final presenter take us home with the even-more-shocking Capstone
Awards. Put your hands together if you will, straight from SuperGuy,
don't call her 'Kisses', Adventure Girl!"

A pleasant, sincere blond walks up to the mike sporting a fabulous gown
with no cape.  "Thanks, is this on?  Thanks everyone.  Let's not crank
the suspense up further than it needs to be.  RACC6 is the FAVORITE
SINGLE ISSUE award.  This year's finalists are the Alt.Riders Christmas
Special #1 (the Alt.Riders ride around Rome in Morph following a star),
Guttertrash #9 (a tower of frozen bodies comes tumbling down),
Invasions #5 (Dan Rather vaporizes on camera), and Net.Vigilante #8
(Bertie continues sipping his cocktail as fish-faced underdwellers look
on).  This year's winner is GUTTERTRASH #9!!  (Goldmine again mounts the
stage, gets the award, shakes his head and leaves.)

"I'm not sure how to handle this one, the two nominees for RACC5,
CROSSOVER were Invasions and N.W.O. 2012.  The winner is INVASIONS!!
(Tempest and Tarot get the award hand-in-hand and wave to the still
OMEGA section.)

"The next award is RACC4, the FAVORITE ARC.  The finalists are
(Saint Sebastion guns down John Lennon), A Question of Faith (Allen's
confront him in dream-time) and Summer Sweeps (the Eye of Justice speaks
seated silhouette in a TV studio.)  The winner is BEGINNINGS!!  (Captain
Ker-Blam! flies on-stage, flashes the V-for-Victory, allows himself a
smirk, then flies off).

"Wow, great results!  RACC3, the FAVORITE MINI-SERIES finalists are
(an armored hero devastates Dynamax Atlanta), Invasions (A party of
stalks the immortals under the Pyrenees) and Trux 2: Trux Harder (a
stuffed raccoon grumbles on a snow-bound plane)  And the winner is
(Threll whirs up to the stage with a decided mechanical limp, but waves
his compadres.)

"Keeping us moving, RACC2, this year's FAVORITE SERIES.  The finalists
Dvandom Force (VAXX, Lynk and Shane run through the old world halls of
Castle Umlaut), Guttertrash (superheroes issue from missile tubes as
cruisers do battle) and Legacy (the Paint Crew run from two Harrakin
as the Capital Mall is decimated).  The winner is GUTTERTRASH!! 
just shakes his head all the way to the stage and back.)

"And our last one tonight, RACC1, the FAVORITE AUTHOR award.  The
are Jeff McCoskey (the scales-and-eyeball logo is rendered in dark
windows on a glowing Atlanta skyline), Matt Rossi (Eric broods on the
Harrakin throne), Marc Singer (the OMEGA House teens earnestly act out a
on a high school stage) and Dave Van Domelen (Kid Pocky stares longingly
at Kat, who resolutely ignores his gaze).  The winner is MARC SINGER! 
Benson and Tom Morgan run to the stage in overjoyed shock.) 
Marc and everyone, and thanks for having me!"

Pointless Awards Man shakes AG's hand as he resumes center stage. 
hard to believe another year's awards are behind us.  Great job
and congratulations all the winners, finalists and nominees.  We had
more universes than ever enter this year, so let's keep that fabulous
growth going.  Remember there's an informal reception at the RACCCafe,
heads optional, open till the last one leaves.  Or dies.  Drive
and thanks for a great year!  Allen take us out with some rhythm work,
jazz, or drunken ramblings or something will you?"

        As heroes file out of the Net, Andre Condon runs in.  "Did I win
TIMEPIECE this year?"
        "No, we're looking for Scav..."
        "Oh, he's about a half hour behind me."

                        . . o o 0 0 O O O O O 0 0 o o . .


RACC1 -- Favorite Author                Marc Singer
RACC2 -- Favorite Series                Guttertrash
RACC3 -- Favorite Mini                  Invasions
RACC4 -- Favorite Arc                   Beginnings (TAD 10-14)
RACC5 -- Favorite Crossover             Invasions
RACC6 -- Favorite Issue                 Guttertrash #9
RACC7 -- Favorite Universe              OMEGA
RACC8 -- Favorite Comedy                Writer's Block Woman and Mouse
RACC9 -- Favorite Acraphobe             Guttertrash
RACC10 -- Favorite Net.personality      Matt 'Badger' Rossi
RACC11 -- Most Improved                 Stephen Reid
RACC12 -- Best Flamewar                 Let's Kill The LNH!
RACC13 -- Favorite Running Gag          Exploding Heads
RACC14 -- Favorite New Writer           Kieran M. O'Callaghan

RABBIT-BREEDERS CUP                     Matt Rossi
IMAGE TIMEPIECE                         Scavenger
LITTLE LULU WEBPAGE                     Davey Jones' OMEGA page