Pointless Awards Man, in conjunction with the OMEGA, TAD, ESP, LNH, DRG, ASH, CROSSROADS, STARFALL, CYBERNET, STEELWOLFE, EST3, FW, IP, JP, KEWL, KS, LBP, ELECK, NTC, SG and MISC Universes Presents: A Pseudo-Random Production of: A JJMcC textfile o o o o o o o o o o o o The 1997 o o o (4th Annual) o o o o o rACCIE AWARDS o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o "This is Helen Downey, of the New Troy Daily Herald, on special assignment for _Good Morning New Troy_. I told them when I accepted this job that I wasn't going in for that determinedly good-natured infotainment approach, so here goes. "So how self-indulgent are awards ceremonies? An inbred community gets together and decides to get publicity by rewarding its members with self created, arbitrarily conferred awards that serve to boost television ratings and make everyone's profits soar. And oh by the way, boost the egos of a select few 'artists' that could really do without the validation. "Say one thing for these ego-fests, they understand the impact of a good dose of pomp and circumstance. Here at the Net on the Great Alt.Way in downtown Net.ropolis, lights glitter, flash bulbs pop, limousines purr and schmaltz flows freely. Heroes and heroines (and not a few villains) play chicken with each other, seeing who can get closest to the line between extravagant fashion and over-the-top kitsch. I believe the explosion of bulbs behind me indicates that Writer's Block Woman has again overshot by a tremendous margin. The limos have started rolling up fast and furious. The word seems to have gotten out that Joan Hamilton and Allen Covenant found the bar. For the first time in years, Allen is drinking with two fists. Brain Boy and F.I.S.H. Force are smiling and waving -- you can always tell the newcomers to these things. Their hope and optimism loudly accuse these affairs as the shams they are. "The next limo appears to belong to Cybernet. Yes, the first out is SPLoTcH! He is hanging all over his date...literally. Next out is...Look out!!" >screeEEEECRUNCHHhhh< "It appears Crazy Guy has crashed his motorcycle into the back of the CYBERNET limo. He's getting up, he's ok. Naturally, he has no thought of picking up the mess. Net.ropolis is used to this abuse, and frankly local revenues from this event far outweigh the danger to life and limb in the minds of civic leaders. "As CYBERNET struggles out of their crushed vehicle, the next limo has already stolen the spotlight from them. Blue Flame and Twister dressed to the near side of the kitsch line are coolly traversing the media gauntlet. Their affair is rumored on the rocks, but for this public event they force themselves to civility. Such emotional travails should at least tell these veteran heroes that this event has become a farce. "Behind them, Plasma and his mom, a bevy of Harrakin invaders, and, oh, it appears taking advantage of the nighttime venue, Donna and Amber from _Blood Ties_. Outside the confines of their title they do not appear shy about outing themselves -- as a lesbian inter-living couple. Everyone is determined to make an impression on the event all RACC is watching. "Perhaps my cynicism is misplaced though. Perhaps some measure of forgiveness could be extended to heroes that protect their various universes year after year -- forgiveness for this unseemly orgy of overindulgence and self-absorption....kkkkhhht" "Helen? Helen can you hear us? Darny-darn. We seem to have lost her Kevin." "I know Molly. Did you see Writer's Block Woman? Zowee! What a gown!" "Ha, ha. Gloomy Helen seemed a little down on the whole thing though. Maybe we can pick up a more festive feed, I think the producers are saying we can get Joey MacIntyre, Channel 20 Pulse City." "I guess now we know why she's a print journalist, Molly!" "Ha ha, oh Kevin. Until we return...'Good Morning New Troy!'" "Good Morning New Troy!" . . o o 0 0 O O O O O 0 0 o o . . "Hey there, hi there, ho there RACConteurs! For those of you that don't know me, I'm Pointless Awards Man fresh from my home in limbo to host this year's RACC Awards Show! Pause for Applause...oops, sorry folks, I wasn't supposed to read that out loud. Seems like this crowd gets bigger every year, I can barely see the back of the hall, and that's without Ben Rawluck's old stable! "Before we go any further, let me give a big 'shout out' to this year's musical director -- Allen Covenant and RACC's Most Dangerous Rhythm Section!" "SmbndnnngrrHAH! FRRBLR! SHHhh...burp." Bangle, crash, tinkle thud. Covenant's drunken display, culminating in his crashing through his drum set is met with a smattering of confused applause before Badge steps up to the mike. "Sorry about that PAM. Allen managed to get to the bar before we realized he was missing. We're pretty sure he can still play though." After a moment's thought, Badge added, "And I don't think that was Latin, so we shouldn't panic." "Ok, uh, want to introduce the band? Quickly." "Right, Allen will be playing drums, I'll be on bass guitar, and Easily-Discovered Man Lite will be on Maracas." "He's your singer?" "Are you _MAD_? Do you _LIKE_ bloody ears? Just the Maracas." "No guitarist? Keyboardist?" "No, we'll mostly be exploring some urban and African rhythms, as well as some free form jazz. AND YOU WILL LIKE IT OR I'LL KILL YOU." "Perfect for an awards ceremony. At least we can get a drum roll...in any case without further ado, let me introduce our first presenter. He's a man sure to get us off to a QUICK start and keep us on a BRISK pace, a FAST talker and a RAPID study, let's RUSH him out: FLASH photographer William Lee from OMEGA's _Info_ newsmagazine!" A flushed asian man seems to hold himself in check as he walks to the mike. "I don't care what the cue card says, I'm not doing any speedster jokes." There's a flurry of discarded cue cards before William speaks again. "And now for the Discretionary Awards, and there's a few of 'em:" "First, there's THE 'RUN! HE'S GOT AN AXE TO GRIND!' AWARD for the most unusual review magazine on RACC. The award is co-presented to _The Slush Pile_, and _Sweaty Spandex Review_. (Overhead, monitors show a split screen of Stephen madly typing in the middle of the night and an empty desk piled high with hate mail and a brass card reading "Paul Han Wu".) "Next, we've got the 'THERE USED TO BE AN NTB AROUND HERE SOMEWHERE' CERTIFICATE, which goes to Saxon Brenton, for his Bluey stories which delayed NTB being declared dead for another year. (Monitors show a red headed man, yes in a trench coat, lighting up a cigarette as he walks away from a burning house.) "The 'IT SHOULD HAVE HAPPENED' AWARD goes to the Saint Doomas team for the attempted Cry Apathy crossover." (Monitor's blank.) "And the follow-up award, 'PRE-EMPTIVE STRIKE', which goes to Apathy for winning the war before the first battle. Uh, I hope we're not going to give awards to all the stories that _didn't_ come out this year." Lee looks to Pointless Awards Man offstage who is shakes his head in panic. "Our next award is THE REALLY, IT'S NOT AS BAD AS IT SOUNDS AWARD. The winner is Tom Russell's "Kewl" Imprint (The Magic Fruitcake and Brunette ride a motorcycle through the White House hallways.) "THE GLAD HE'S DOING IT, AND NOT ME AWARD is presented to both Mike Escutia for bringing us RACC Presents and Eagle for moderating RACC. (Monitors show a cartoon rendition of an over muscular "RACC Presents Man" shepherding many scared kids with OMEGA, LNH, KEWL, MISC T-shirts as an Eagle bravely keeps a tidal wave of SPAM at bay.) "Next we have the HARD DRIVE PURGE MEDAL, awarded to Gary Olson for sharing his entire Superguy history with the RACC community, providing some great stories, some huuge laughs, and some really daunting fair use legalese. (Monitors show a hopelessly shadowed fight scene, where nothing can be made out except a hugely muscled, clumsy man and chaos.) rACCIE lawyers have digitally blanked out anything that might get the academy in trouble with SuperGuy's Legal Staff from Hell(tm). "Also, the 'EVERYBODY KNOWS YOUR NAME, AND IT'S ICHABOD' BEER STEIN goes to the creator of RACCCAfe, Dave Van Domelen. Just ignore the 'Caution, drinking from this Stein may cause your head to explode warning, Dave.'" Laughter echoes through the hall. William looks out, "I don't even know what that means." Someone sounding suspiciously like Arsenal yells out "Then c'mon by for Happy Hour!" As the audience laughs, there's a blur of black where William is standing and a muted (thump, whuuf) from Arsenal's seat. "Now on to the Academy's Discretionary Awards. THE RABBIT-BREEDERS CUP for the most prolific writer of '97. Great Gobs of prose only please. Finalists are Matt Rossi (Cameras pan the audience, catching Tempest looking up, flustered among reams of Invasions out takes) Tom Russell (Tom is standing on his table yelling 'VOTTE FR MEE!' as nearby tables pelt him with cocktail swords) and Dave Van Domelen (ASH, Dvandom Force and Crazy Guy cast members for a human pyramid). The winner is MATT ROSSI!! (Tempest wades through the out takes to get the cup.) "The IMAGE TESTIMONIAL TIMEPIECE (BATTERIES NOT INCLUDED) goes annually to the writer whose work is most consistently late. This year's nominees are Scavenger (Rebel Yell still sits serenely somewhere in the RACCCafe), Jeff Barnes (the Drizzt stands, gesturing madly to the single 97 issue of TALES OF CONTINUITY) and Michael Friedman (Arvie displays as much dignity as a husky can when caught on the monitors sniffing Frost's rear end). The winner is SCAVENGER!! Who, uh, appears to not be here now..." Lee puts down the gold watch. "Lastly, THE "SPIDER SPINS!" LITTLE LULU WEB PAGE AWARD is bestowed on RACC's favorite web page. The finalists this year are Davey Jones' OMEGA page (the SEEKERS high five in military precision), the LNH webpage (Manga Girl turns her upper torso completely backwards in shock, flaps of schoolgirl uniform flying), and RACC Presents (all imprints start swaying singing "We Are the World" to an African beat). The winner is DAVEY JONES' OMEGA PAGE!! (A young man in hard hat and tool belt modestly collects the award.) "That's it for me." With a swoosh of air, and a blur of black, Lee disappears from stage. Pointless Awards Man starts and rushes onto the empty stage. "Not too SWIFT an exit, was it? In any case, let me introduce our next presenter. Straight from the year 2941, our very own ultra-violent alien enforcer, the man who speaks sloppy but is ever attentive to others' feelings, the incomprehensible Squadman!" A hulking form in a four armed trench coat slides onto center stage. His 'head' boils and burbles as he speaks, but the silver translator around his neck superimposes a cheerful metallic voice over his natural, menacing bass gurgle. "You all interest me, I think. Your applause is less than insulting! Here, I give out the Spice of Life Awards, can you see? First to hear is RACC14, the FAVORITE NEW WRITER. The men at the end are Sean Daugherty (Brain Boy and Catalyst Lass wade through the ruins of the LNHHQ), Kieran M. O'Callaghan (Lawrence gapes as a flying herring cuts down an alien fungus tree), and Stephen Reid (Captain Victory streaks into the sky above cheering reporters). At the very end is KIERAN M. O'CALLAGHAN!!(Allison and Lawrence start for the stage, but the Red Herring swoops in before they get there.) Next to hear is RACC13, the FAVORITE RUNNING GAG. The men at the end are Exploding Heads (a jump-cut collage of exploding heads turns opinions against the evening's buffet), "It's a man's..." (Liefield's Porpoise runs in waving his flippers in panic) and the RACC Cafe (another jump-cut collage of spit- takes is well suited get even Cheesecake Eater Lad to stop eating). At the very end is EXPLODING HEADS!! (the Infinite Bartenders all stand up to collect the award, then explode their heads as one. Many tuxedoes will not be returned on time.) Again and further next to hear is RACC12, the BEST FLAMEWAR. The men at the end are Let's Kill The LNH! (Some sort of Cabbage Wielder is summarily ignored) My Early Work Sucked (a jump-cut collage of pouting old-timers) and You Have Greatly Misunderstood The Purpose Of RACCCafe (some sort of Cabbage Wielder is summarily ignored.) At the very end is LET'S KILL THE LNH!! (The Cabbage Wielder mounts the stage, gestures dramatically, and forces all the LNHers to commit suicide only they don't. He sheepishly gets his award and walks off.) Final and next to hear is RACC11, MOST IMPROVED AUTHOR. The men at the end are Byron Molix (a shadowy commander commands a star ship above Graves' World), Ben Rawluk (Lurker Lad and LNHers confront the LooniEarth-B prophets of doom in the conference room), and Stephen Reid (H.E.L.P. battles in a junk yard). At the very end is STEPHEN REID!! (H.E.L.P. applauds vigorously as Captain Victory swoops to the stage with a grin.) "My fragrance has inconvenienced you to the utmost, and now I regret it. If we meet later I will cook you something!" The four arms reproduce a stiff obscene gesture. Pointless Awards Man gives the obviously irate alien a wide berth in retaking the podium. "How about that ladies and gentlemen? Let's give the big lug a hand. Thank god for polite translator engineers. We're well and fully into the meat of the evening..uh geez, did the same guy do the microphones here? Our next presenter is a game addition to our festivities, heck he's the gamiest. Let's give a warm welcome to the Mystic Avenger that no one wants for Christmas -- the Magic Fruitcake!" In a motion that can neither be explained nor visualized a fruitcake with no legs walks to the stage. Then, with no hands, mouth, or other visible organs, proceeds to read from cue cards. "Hey folks! Great to be hear. Want to here a joke?" A resounding "NO!" quickly gets the Fruitcake back on track. "Ok, then let's start giving out the Big Picture Awards. "For RACC10, this year's FAVORITE NET.PERSONALITY, the finelists are Russ 'Eagle' Allbery (the Eagle still holds back the SPAM wave), Cornelius [removed by request] (Super villains talk things over in a LNH holding cell) and Matt 'Badger' Rossi (spotlight on the World's Most Dangerous Rhythm Section). The winner is MATT ROSSI!! (The bass starts thumping out 'Money' while the drums and maracas do god knows what. The fruitcake pitches the award into the orchestra pit, momentarily silencing the drums.) "RACC9, FAVORITE ACRAPHOBE OFFERING is nixt. This year's finalists are Guttertrash (superheroes hunt each other on rooftops), Invasions (aerial shot of the Tisiradron in full swing) and Tales of the American Dream (a young Dame Fortune sits soaked, and watches as a boy runs from her basement). The winner is GUTTERTRASH!! (Goldmine walks on-stage, opens his mouth, shakes his head, then walks off again.) Our next award is RACC8, the FAVORITE COMEDY OR PARODY. Finalests are F.I.S.H. Force (the COSMIC WHIM's disembodied head argues with Allison while Lawrence vomits beneath them), Net.Vigilante #8 (Bertie Wooster sips a cocktail in a profoundly unsettling vest), Refugees of Net.ropolis (Mojo dog and Loopy run down the LNHHQ halls) and Writer's Block Woman and Mouse (WBW, Plotline Lad and Topper fight a Spectral Harpy in the Big Red). The winner is WRITER'S BLOCK WOMAN AND MOUSE!! (WBW drags her daughter by the hand to the stage. She gets the award, then Mouse drags her off before she can start an emotional acceptance speech.) "And finally, RACC7, the FAVERITE UNIVERSE. Finalists are the LNH (Cheesecake-Eater Lad returns from the dead), OMEGA (a fleet of Harrakin warships swarms above the Earth) and TAD (Doctor Dark Justice looks slightly maniacal as New Argus burns). The winner is...can this be right?" The Fruitcake looks offstage, and PAM nods his confirmation. The winner is OMEGA!! (Danny Anderson carries his daughter to the stage to accept the award. The room is psionically filled with his gratitude) "That's it for me, see you soon!" The Fruitcake waves in a way that completely fails to account for his lack of limbs. "How about it folks? Let's give a round of applause to those malleable laws of physics! Well, you thought there've been surprises to date, let's have our final presenter take us home with the even-more-shocking Capstone Awards. Put your hands together if you will, straight from SuperGuy, don't call her 'Kisses', Adventure Girl!" A pleasant, sincere blond walks up to the mike sporting a fabulous gown with no cape. "Thanks, is this on? Thanks everyone. Let's not crank the suspense up further than it needs to be. RACC6 is the FAVORITE SINGLE ISSUE award. This year's finalists are the Alt.Riders Christmas Special #1 (the Alt.Riders ride around Rome in Morph following a star), Guttertrash #9 (a tower of frozen bodies comes tumbling down), Invasions #5 (Dan Rather vaporizes on camera), and Net.Vigilante #8 (Bertie continues sipping his cocktail as fish-faced underdwellers look on). This year's winner is GUTTERTRASH #9!! (Goldmine again mounts the stage, gets the award, shakes his head and leaves.) "I'm not sure how to handle this one, the two nominees for RACC5, FAVORITE CROSSOVER were Invasions and N.W.O. 2012. The winner is INVASIONS!! (Tempest and Tarot get the award hand-in-hand and wave to the still jubilant OMEGA section.) "The next award is RACC4, the FAVORITE ARC. The finalists are Beginnings (Saint Sebastion guns down John Lennon), A Question of Faith (Allen's friends confront him in dream-time) and Summer Sweeps (the Eye of Justice speaks in seated silhouette in a TV studio.) The winner is BEGINNINGS!! (Captain Ker-Blam! flies on-stage, flashes the V-for-Victory, allows himself a smug smirk, then flies off). "Wow, great results! RACC3, the FAVORITE MINI-SERIES finalists are Battery (an armored hero devastates Dynamax Atlanta), Invasions (A party of Omegas stalks the immortals under the Pyrenees) and Trux 2: Trux Harder (a stuffed raccoon grumbles on a snow-bound plane) And the winner is INVASIONS!! (Threll whirs up to the stage with a decided mechanical limp, but waves to his compadres.) "Keeping us moving, RACC2, this year's FAVORITE SERIES. The finalists are Dvandom Force (VAXX, Lynk and Shane run through the old world halls of Castle Umlaut), Guttertrash (superheroes issue from missile tubes as space cruisers do battle) and Legacy (the Paint Crew run from two Harrakin invaders as the Capital Mall is decimated). The winner is GUTTERTRASH!! (Goldmine just shakes his head all the way to the stage and back.) "And our last one tonight, RACC1, the FAVORITE AUTHOR award. The finalists are Jeff McCoskey (the scales-and-eyeball logo is rendered in dark office windows on a glowing Atlanta skyline), Matt Rossi (Eric broods on the Harrakin throne), Marc Singer (the OMEGA House teens earnestly act out a play on a high school stage) and Dave Van Domelen (Kid Pocky stares longingly at Kat, who resolutely ignores his gaze). The winner is MARC SINGER! (Anne Benson and Tom Morgan run to the stage in overjoyed shock.) Congratulations Marc and everyone, and thanks for having me!" Pointless Awards Man shakes AG's hand as he resumes center stage. "Well, hard to believe another year's awards are behind us. Great job and congratulations all the winners, finalists and nominees. We had more universes than ever enter this year, so let's keep that fabulous growth going. Remember there's an informal reception at the RACCCafe, heads optional, open till the last one leaves. Or dies. Drive carefully, and thanks for a great year! Allen take us out with some rhythm work, or jazz, or drunken ramblings or something will you?" As heroes file out of the Net, Andre Condon runs in. "Did I win the TIMEPIECE this year?" "No, we're looking for Scav..." "Oh, he's about a half hour behind me." . . o o 0 0 O O O O O 0 0 o o . . THE 1997 rACCIE WINNERS RACC1 -- Favorite Author Marc Singer RACC2 -- Favorite Series Guttertrash RACC3 -- Favorite Mini Invasions RACC4 -- Favorite Arc Beginnings (TAD 10-14) RACC5 -- Favorite Crossover Invasions RACC6 -- Favorite Issue Guttertrash #9 RACC7 -- Favorite Universe OMEGA RACC8 -- Favorite Comedy Writer's Block Woman and Mouse RACC9 -- Favorite Acraphobe Guttertrash RACC10 -- Favorite Net.personality Matt 'Badger' Rossi RACC11 -- Most Improved Stephen Reid RACC12 -- Best Flamewar Let's Kill The LNH! RACC13 -- Favorite Running Gag Exploding Heads RACC14 -- Favorite New Writer Kieran M. O'Callaghan RABBIT-BREEDERS CUP Matt Rossi IMAGE TIMEPIECE Scavenger LITTLE LULU WEBPAGE Davey Jones' OMEGA page