"Hey friends and relations!  Pointless Awards Man here!  Thanks to a
lack of journalists and musicians in this year's net.fic, they've asked
me to do a monologue to warm things up a bit.  Everybody having a good
time tonight?  Wonderful!  I see our friends from Omega have managed to
avoid destroying the world for another year, how about a big round of
applause for that, heh?   You're excepted Covenant, kidding!  I'm
kidding!  Somebody tell Overgirl to get Over it, heh?  And what're you
looking at Eye?  Talk about a Tempest in a teapot...

Any first timers for the Great Alt.Way  tonight?  You, sir, what's your
name?  Team Nihon?  Get a free camera with that name?  Ya'know I tried
sushi once.  Wouldn't be too bad fried in butter.  But don't get me
wrong I love our friends from across the pond.  Just tell me how they
can make those phones so tiny, but you need a trailer to haul around the
portable stereos!

Any other first timers?  Here's a likely table -- all the vets sit in
the back, yknow -- your name ma'am?  Quarrel?  I'm not gonna argue, I
just wanna know your name.  Ma'am, I swear I'm not Quarrelling with you,
couldja tell your buddy to put out that sword?  You are in a no smoking
section.  Well I know you tried to reserve one, but the NTB has a lock
into the 21st century.

Sheesh, some folks just have no sense of humor.  Let me just point out
some seasoned celebs in our midst.  There in the back I see the Misfits
popped in for a quick peek, right next to the LNH 2002 under the
auspices of Nonsense-Profanity Man.  Rocket Robin Hood, no you can wave, aw
folks I'm embarrassing him.  I see the Marshamallow Lass and her new
crew are here for some lighter fun.  Dvandom Force is occupying the old
ASH table I see, and might I welcome our first ever table of Superguys:
Team M.E.C.H.A., N%, Crazy Guy and of course the unspeakable TFKATHP.
Sorry something in my throat.

Ya know folks, I could go on like this all night....well, maybe I
couldn't.  That damn Seinfeld makes it look so easy.  Anyway, before I
get lynched, welcome one and all to this all new & improved...

                       o  o  o  o  o  o  o  o  o  o  o
                     o           The 1996             o
                  o  o         (3rd Annual)           o  o
               o  o  o         rACCIE AWARDS          o  o  o
   o  o  o  o  o  o  o  o  o  o  o  o  o  o  o  o  o  o  o  o  o  o o  o

..without further ado, the man that put the ++ in C++, a dot-com.edian
extraordinaire, El-Ayne Acolyte and all around hack, the man who Code-a
been a contender Malloy the Net.Vigilante! With this year's
Discretionary Awards!"

(Malloy strides to the stage, bristling in weaponry)  "Don't worry
folks, just the ceremonial pieces tonight.  But if you don't hold that
cue card higher we might carb a few of 'em, ah better!  Our first award
is 'The GARY ST. LAWRENCE MEMORIAL AWARD, for the current RACC writer
most talented enough to get work with a "real" comic company.'  And the
winner is Dave Van Domelen!  (Crazy Guy wrecks a motorcycle at the foot
of the stage, then picks up the award.)

"Next, The DOOMAS FLAMING SWORD AWARD, for those who got rid of the most
sphammers, is presented to, hey it's a Joint award: Dave van Domelen and
everyone who voted for moderation.  I think we'll just pass out burning
cocktail swords to the whole crowd as you give yourselves a hand.  Not
you!!!  (Malloy directs attention to the Agents of PULP table, where
Transmission Kwerks was just getting a flaming drink from his waiter.)
Waiter!  No Sword for them!"

"Our next award is The "GREAT SPECIAL EFFECTS" AWARD To Chris Gumprich,
for that story written mostly in a made-up language.  We have to assume
it's Technically brilliant -- we couldn't understand it!  (The monitor
carries words man was not meant to form, and everyone nods and pretends
to understand.)

"The Last Discretionary Award is the 'RACC-IN-THE-BOX LOVING CUP' to the
boxed item most like RACC.  This year, goes to the late, lamented, noble
experiment _Mythic Heroes_.  It was a great ride while it lasted Greg.
(Slushpyle sneers sardonically from a monitor -- "And don't think I
won't riff you for this.")

"Now for the Academy's Discretionary Awards  First up, the RABBIT
BREEDER's CUP, for the most prolific writer of '96.  We're stackin' 'em
end-to end folks.  Finalists are Aaron Veenstra (Eleck corner cheers, as
does a corner of LNH) and Jamas Enright (more Barry Newbies than anyone
should see erupt in applause) and the winner is  AARON VEENSTRA!!
(Twister blows up in a cloud of cocktail napkins to retrieve the cup.)

that is most consistently late, the nominees are Eagle (Trademark Lass
and Copyright Kid roll eyes knowingly), Rob Rogers (EDMLite and Prof
prematurely break into Auld Lang Syne) and Scavenger (monitors
respectfully black with 'characters not approved for use' in tasteful
lettering).  And the winner is EAGLE!!  (An Eagle claims the watch
muttering something about seeing Andre Condon outside).

favorite RACC-related web page.  The nominees are Dave Van Domelen's
homepage (VAXX starts chanting GRAF-ix, GRAF-ix, GRAF-ix), The Eleck
homepage (TJ Hero flashes his own trading card to the camera), the LNH
Homepage (the Drizzt looks up from filling out a battery of forms) and
Superguy (somewhere a Grunion smiles).  The winner is the LNH
HOMEPAGE!!!  (Judak steps forward to accept amidst much thrown Mr.
Paprika from the Superguy table)."

"Well, that's really all they got for me to award, so in closing let me
say, "You Like me!  You Really like me!  And I'll shoot anyone that

"Hey how about it fanfic.fans!  Let's send off our coding compadre and
bring on a chimp who needs no introduction -- a gentle ape and a
scholar, who really ain't so abominable once you get to know him, help
me bring out Gorilla Grad!"

"Thanks PAM.  >ook<  I get to do the Spice of Life ah-ah-Awards,
starting with RACC14, the FAVORITE NEW WRITER.  The two-ooh-ooh
finalists are Crash (friends at school slip through a glowing portal)
and Tony Pi (Golden Man freezes to solid gold).  The winner is ah-ah-ah!
CRASH!!  (The N% crew phase in, bicker, then phase out with the award).

Congrats, but I was pulling for the oo-oo-other guy.  Next is RACC13,
FAVORITE RUNNING GAG and your finalists are The LNH SUB-SUB-SUB-
BASEMENTS (monitors show an Escher-like infinite regression of
basements), RACCON I (monitors show an empty convention hall) and, say
it with me now, (monitors show the Loonioverse's favorite spiced Drink
Mr. Paprika and hall echoes....)  "Now that's a @#)#&('s pop!"  Winner
is THE SUB-SUB-GOSUB BASEMENTS!!!  (Cheesecake-Eater Lad does the
Macarena much to everyone's dismay.)

Ack-ack-ack.  RACC12 is for the BEST FLAMEWAR.  This year's finalists
are WHAT IS THE PURPOSE OF RACC? (Monitors show theories streaming by
too fast to read.  Snippets include "a dessert topping"  "fanfiction"
"a club"  "roleplaying"  "a floor wax")  and MODERATION!!!  (RACCERS
singing in unison with one saying Hooray!  I'm for the other team!)  The
winner is MODERATION -- and hey, ain't we all winners then?  (Loud

The Last is RACC-ack-ack11, MOST IMPROVED AUTHOR.  The finalists are Ben
Rawluk and Carolyn Vaughn.  And the winner is BEN RAWLUK!!!  (Kid
Mysticism blinks in , accepts, wipes a tear, then dissappears.)  Thanks
for having me folks-ook-ook!"  Gorilla Grad backflips off stage.

"And thank you Gorilla Grad!  Our next presenter needs little
introduction -- he's a no good, yella bellied chicken hearted, craven
headed, turn-tail-and-run, hell folks, I won't mince words, the Guy's a
COWARD!  Give him a hand!"  (A man in a black leather jacket with a fat
yellow stripe saunters onto stage)

"I'm not brave.  I know that.  With my fear comes perverse strength.
The strength to shoot things quickly, without remorse.  The strength to
conquer stage fright, at least long enough to present the Big Picture
Eagle; Mike Escutia;  Chris Gumprich.  Winner:  EAGLE.  That bird is
back.  (Eagle snatches award from Coward's hand)

(Marshmallow Lass and Inacoustic Kid look askance at their new team),
Indigo System (overweight student breaks into professor's office),
Quarrel (Bazrael pounds Quarrel into water which bubbles, then stops).
Winner: QUARREL.  Took some bruises to get it.  (Quarrel doesn't exactly
smile, but she almost, well, somehow frowns a little less as she
collects it.)

RACC8.  FAVORITE PARODY/COMEDY.  Just up my alley.  Finalists:  Carols
by Candlelight (Net.heroes singing in Net.Zealand), Easily Discovered
Man (Lite sits down to dinner with his family -- in Wong's body), Mouse
Tales (Mouse sighs as two fledgling superheroes moon over her).  Winner:
MOUSE TALES.  Heh.  (House boos as Jonathan Connery gracefully mounts
the stage.)

Rude.  RACC7.  FAVORITE STORY UNIVERSE.  Finalists:  Eleck (Captain
Outrageous and Josh high five) LNH (Brain Boy does bus driver dance) and
OMEGA (Chasers impersonate the CREST team).  Winner:  LNH.  (Ultimate
Ninja stalks onto stage, glares at the Coward, collects and leaves).

I'm not brave.  I know that.  Time for me to leave."

"Hey even a lily-liver deserves a hand, how about it folks?  Now for the
capstone awards please help me in welcoming RACC's very own answer to
Timmy and Lassie -- Marcie and Mojo Dog!"
(A teenage girl and dog in costume mount the stage)

"Rhy get to be Rhimmy.
"I don't think so Mojo Dog.  The next award is RACC6 -- FAVORITE SINGLE
ISSUE.  The finalists are..."
"Rhaeneas Boddy Rhonicles:  Frankie and Bonnie (Boddy stalks a pin-
striped Net.ti); Memoirs of Rhiable Rhad #1 (Pli sits at a desk looking
pensive); and Return of Rhopyright Rhid and Trademark Rhass (two engage
in who's on first-style speedy repartee).  Rhinner is..."
flies to stage)
"Rhat damn bird is rhack arhain."

"Don't curse Mojo Dog.  RACC5 is for the FAVORITE CROSSOVER.  The
nominees were..."
"The Rhentury Pact (Dvandom Force squares off in giant robot armor),
Rhona Nobis Rhacem (Allan Covenant snapped over a man's head and
crippled), and Rhenmity (a huge black bird erupts into a green-black
Dragon).  Rhinner is..."
"DONA NOBIS PACEM!  Yay!  (Man in urban camoflauge pushes a whithered
Covenant to stage in wheelchair.)"
"Rhat guy looks rhorse every rhear.  Maybe rehy'll finish the rhossover

"Mojo Dog, you're still being rude.  RACC4 is the FAVORITE ARC category.
Finalists are..."
"Rhorn to be Run, Rhandom Force #62-65 (Macro Man flashes back into
time, to become the original Macro Man), Rhamily Rheunion, Misfits #17-
19 (Britanny wades through a flowing field of crops), The Rhix Saga,
Rhegacy #27-32 (Overman battles in Antarctica), and The SIG Rhiles,
Rhandom Force #66-72 (Kat holds head in misery).  Rhinner is..."
"BORN TO BE RUN!!  Whooo-ooh! (Sidewinder starts for the stage, to be
passed by Lynk and Squid Man)."

"How about you introduce this one Mojo Dog."
"Rho-kay Rharcie.  RACC3 is rhor RHAVORITE RHINI-RHERIES.  Rhinalists
"Mouse Tales (Connery sternly admonishes Mouse against heroing),
Plotline Lad:  The New Kid (Plotline Lad strikes a dramatic pose), and
Quarrel: No Remorse (Quarrel slides along a cable into Illuminati
Towers).  The winner is..."
"Rhouse Rhales!"  Dead silence.  "Rhabe you better rhanslate, Rharcie."
"MOUSE TALES!  Yaya!"  (Writer's Block Woman, in fabulously expensive
gown, ascends amidst thunderous applause.)

"Rhis place is not kind to Rheach Rhimpediments."
"Let's stick with what works, Mojo Dog.  RACC2, the FAVORITE ONGOING
SERIES finalists are..."
"Rhandom Rhorce (Charlie Risk morphs into the new Acton Lord), Rhisfits
(slow shot of Binky swimming circles), Rhiter's Rhock Woman (WBW flying
into background with Girlwatcher sighing in foreground) and Rhales of
the LNH (Panta looks back to see a nuclear explosion).  Rhinner is..."
"DVANDOM FORCE!!  Seems like they were just here!!  (Kat manages a vamp
in her new, human body before accepting the prize.)

"And tonight's final, and most prestigious award, RACC1, the FAVORITE
AUTHOR.  The finalists are...Jaelle Ihimaera-Smiler (Mouse hugged
exuberantly by WBW), Marc Singer (Hannibal nods in approval) and Dave
Van Domelen (Crazy Guy crashes another motorcycle)."
"The Rhinner is DAVE RHAN DOMELEN!!  It's rhike 36 Rhazy Awards!"
"Maybe not Mojo Dog, but it's super anyway.  Congrats!"

After the thunderous applause dies away, Pointless Awards Man retakes
the stage.  "Thanks for coming tonight everyone!  Congrats again to all
our nominees, finalists and winners.  Just remember, and I wish I had
sappy musical accompanyment to pull this off, we're all winners as long
as we keep writing and building this thing that is bigger and better
than all of us individually -- this thing called RACC!  Give yourselves
a big hand, drive carefully, and can't wait 'till '98!  This is
Pointless Awards Man saying, what's the point anyway?  Goodnight all!."

                        . . o o 0 0 O O O O O 0 0 o o . .


RACC1 -- Favorite Author                Dave Van Domelen
RACC2 -- Favorite Series                Dvandom Force
RACC3 -- Favorite Mini                  Mouse Tales
RACC4 -- Favorite Arc                   Dvandom Force #62-65, "Born to be Run"
RACC5 -- Favorite Crossover             Dona Nobis Pacem (Covenant/Voyeur)
RACC6 -- Favorite Issue                 Return of Copyright Kid and
                                                                Trademark Lass
RACC7 -- Favorite Universe              LNH
RACC8 -- Favorite Comedy                Mouse Tales
RACC9 -- Favorite Acrophobe             Quarrel
RACC10 -- Favorite Net.personality      Eagle
RACC11 -- Most Improved                 Ben Rawluk
RACC12 -- Best Flamewar                 Moderation!!!!
RACC13 -- Favorite Running Gag          The LNH sub-sub-sub-sub basements
RACC14 -- Favorite New Writer           Crash

RABBIT-BREEDERS CUP             Aaron Veenstra
IMAGE TIMEPIECE                 Eagle