Pointless Awards Man, in conjunction with the OMEGA, TAD, ESP, LNH, DRG, ASH,
STARFALL, CROSSROADS, STEELWOLFE, ELECK and MISC Universes Presents:
A Pseudo-Random Production of:
A JJMcC textfile
o o o o o o o o o o o
o The 1995 o
o o (2nd Annual) o o
o o o rACCIE AWARDS o o o
o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o
"Roight. Ian Rutledge of Hot Scoop! newsmagazine heyah -- your best
goide to the dirty little secrets and sexy stahlets of the rACCIES.
Outsoide the beautiful Net on the Great Alt Way, stahs ah just arroiving for
the 2nd annual awards forum. But the glamour and glitz of anotheh yeah cannot
mask the seamy underbelly of 1995's amatuer fiction. From the hushed up allega-
tions of sexual misconduct shrouding Deja Dude's retoirment, to America's
boisexual hero, to the still unexplained death of Sig.Lad, this yeah has
seen it all. And waiting in the wings lurks the unseen menace of the
Subliminals...
"I'm told the first limo has just arrived. Who will it be -- a proi-
cuteness Panta? Lonah and his hot and heavy babe? Volunteer Proccies ah
valiently keeping the crowd back and we can see, now getting out...a kid in a
homemade costume? Oi believe its T.J. Hero and his mom opening another yeah
of rACCIEs.
"T.J.! Any reaction to the outcome of your friends' murder troil?"
"Whaat? This is a celebration, not ..."
"Ignore him dear, he's just a tabloid journalist."
"Seems ouweh young hero needs his motheh to speak for him. Maybe we'll
get more reaction from Soundboyte of the Hero Patrol. Soundboyte! Loicensing
on your name worked out yet?"
Soundbyte glared at the camera and an audible clip from _Natural Born
Killers_ echoed above the din. An aussie question, "You're not going to kill
me?" followed by gunshots.
"Cough cough. Audio difficulty theyeh for a moment. Oi see the crowd
is really picking up now. Nick Naime and his famous crew stepping out, their
out-of-date fashions sure to make the Fashion Don't's list. Hannibal and Jack
Russell seem to have a chip on theih shoulders. Perhaps some racial tension
moight erupt at this normally whoite affair. Evah more approaching: Netrigan,
Dame Fortune -- reports say some hero will get lucky with her tonoight, Allan
Covenant and a translucent friend -- shape shiftahs seem to be able to go both
ways, Wierdness Girl and Binky, Linguist Lass, Judak and Continuity Champ --
rumors theh of the shortest marriage in RACCdom thanks to a certain extra-
terrestrial waittress exclusive to Hot Scoop! ...Blue Flame, Hahvey Hauptmann,
Morgan Le Fab, Crimson Skorpion, getting tough to pick a scandal out of the
crowd. Youh fearless repohteh will slip insoide and bring you all the dirt, as
it happens."
. . o o 0 0 0 O O O 0 0 0 o o . .
"Now insoide the fabulous Net, one can't help but feel the crawling
corruption beneath the opulent gathering. Amidst the swirling drinks and
poloite laughteh, thehs dangeh -- and deciet. Ovah boy the bar Oi see Frat Boy
monopolizing the keg. Rumors of alcoholism continue to dog his career. We can
see the empty tables wheh Avant-Gahde Avenger, the Patrol and Boinary Press
should be. Could it be some last-minute maneuvering excluded them from this
celebration?
"Near the wall, one table seems to be reserved exclusively for the use
of Barry Knewbee, though it appeayehs at least six of him have arrived already.
Exclusive sources claim a homosexual relationship has dominated this multi-
dimensional hero's toime.
"Oliveh, the Grim Reapeh, seems unperturbed with a prominent book
publisher on his ahm. A pretty brave face for a being accused of misusing
office for personal gain. Nearby former terrorist Danny Anderson and family
plot theih next corporate conquest. One must hand it to the pahtiehs here
tonoight. That they troy to pretend nothing is wrong at all is a tremendous
act of bravery.
"Ian Rutledge?"
"Ladies and Gentlemen, Oi am approached by Ahvie the talking Huskie.
You moight remembah we speculated earlieh on lung canceh rumors surrounding the
Canine Crossroader."
"Rrrr. Ah, I'm not here about that. I thought you'd like to know I
spotted Jynx and Spite Grrrl pounding shots and playing strip Russian Roulette
in the next room. Seems to me the public has a right to know."
"Roight! This exclusive to Hot Scoop! -- follow me camera goy.
America should see what the noihilistic punk cultuhe has wrought."
Ian opens the door to a darkened room, a dimly lit bar in the far
corner beckoning the eyes. As Ian darts across, a loud r-r-rrrRRRRUMBLE
>>C R A S H<<
Ian and his crew are buried under towns of convention hall roof and
green kiwis. Thunderous applause is directed to the closed-circuit TVs that
broadcast the event to the hall. Pointless Awards Man takes the stage.
. . o o 0 0 0 O O O 0 0 0 o o . .
"What a terrific opening number! One I think we can all get behind,
no? Give a warm welcom to my musical director -- straight from Illuminati
University the mystical, magical Zagyg the Bard!"
"Great to be here PAM -- at least a 3-point charisma bonus."
"Don't talk, Zagyg, play.
"You're all here for one reason -- to honor those among us that stood
out from the crowd and made rACC the great place it is. Without further ado,
help me welcome our Discretionary Awards presenter: he's a hero, a mogul, and
a man who speaks softly but carries a BIIIG Stick: Captain Ker-Blam!"
The Captain flashes a winning but naggingly insincere smile. "Hello
RACC. I won't furhter this needless suspense. First off is THE STEPHAN
RATLIFF "PLOT DEVICE" AWARD to be given to the story with more plot contri-
vances than Batman. The Winner is: Martin Phipps for Gen-Y Annual #3! Card
reads: "Oh, look. A museum that just so happens to have rings to turn us into
animals to fight these other animals that just happened to have turned up."
"THE "JEEZ! *TOLKIEN* COULDN'T FOLLOW *THIS* PLOT!" AWARD for most
muddled and incomprehensible series goes to: RAC Challenge! Points added for
having married the lizard to London.
"THE "I SMOKED IT, BUT DID _NOT_ EXHALE" AWARD for the most daring and
unconvential use of prose on RACC and beyond goes to _CAW the Limited Series_
by Badger!! Honorable Mention to RACChallenge! #17 By Jerry Stratton and
Paragraph Adventures by Chris Gumprich. Uh, this should not be construed as
an endorsement of drug use.
"On the grimmer side, THE GOTTA BREAK AN EGG TO MAKE AN OMLETTE AWARD --
For unprecidented death and near death of many older imprints among the birth
of many new ones. Our Winners are: PATROL and NTB. If we weren't running
late, we'd have a moment of silent meditation here.
"The FAN.BOY "CUP OF DROOL AND BIB" which goes to the sexiest (male or
female) character on RACC awarded to: Writer's Block Woman! Sorry we don't
have a swimsuit issue to show clips from. (Loud boos from Barry Knewbees'
table)
"The WAYNE and GARTH "I'M NOT WORTHY" AWARD is given to the RACC work
that closest resembles actual literature, and hence has no business being here
in the first place. This year's winner is _Epitaphs_, for giving us all a
little pause in the shower." Ker-Blam bows in homage to Hannibal's table.
"Now the Acadamy's discretionary awards. THE RABBIT-BREEDERS CUP --
Awarded to the most prolific writer in this or _any_ fanfic forum. We're
measuring volume, folks. Finalists are: Paul Hardy (LoHers wave from behind
a massive pile of manuscripts), Peter "Tick" Milan (Mozz & Schott whoop and
holler) and Aaron Veenstra (Crime Busters chant 'CROSS-over, CROSS-over...').
And the Winner is: the TICK! Unfortunately, Pete has left us for a script-
writing career in H.alt.ywood. Accepting will be Decibel Dude of the LNH."
(THANKS KER-BLAM!! shatters many speakers on the cctv)
"THE IMAGE TESTIMONIAL TIMEPIECE (BATTERIES NOT INCLUDED) -- For that
author whose works are most consistantly late. Finalists are Andre Condon
(Kid Chivalry crosses swords in a salute,) Paul Hardy (LoHers wave from behind
a now larger pile of manuscript) and the RACC Reviews Staff (Chris tries to
push through all the heroes schmoozing his table to wave). The winner is
Andre Condon for _Crossed Swords_! We'll save this for him...wait I see him
making his way to the stage. How'd you get here on time, Andre? You were
late for the 1994 awards..."
"Oh. I thought _these_ were the 1994 awards." Good natured jeering
accompanies his acceptance.
"Lastly, THE "SPIDER SPINS!" LITTLE LULU WEB PAGE AWARD -- for the
favorite RACC-related web page. Finalists are The LNH Roster (LNHers yell
"roof, roof, roof"), Legion of Occult Heroes homepage (Demon Boy scales a pile
of papers to wave), and the Superguy Homepage (Team M.E.C.H.A. mechs do a
choreographed 'touchdown dance'). And the winner is, SUPERGUY! (Space Moose
rockets to the stage. "It seems like only a few months ago the Grunions were
big news.") Thanks RACC, and keep the American Dream alive!!" Ker-Blam holds
his staff up and flies offstage.
"A warm thanks for Captain Ker-Blam!, leader of industry and conscience
of his country. Next, please welcome prescient pulpster Doc Hazzard and his
home-brew assistant, the robotic Rook!"
"Thank you ladies and gentlemen, though frankly I had forseen a warmer
welcome. (Polite laughter greets his prescient joke.) The first award we'll
be presenting is the Best Writer Award (Rook's chest-light glows red, with an
audible relay click.) No? The Best Single Issue... I suppose
with only one issue this year, we'll have to work our way up to the Capstone
Awards. . For RACC14, FAVORITE NEW WRITER, the finalists are
A. Khosla (cctv shows Loopy running for the bathroom), Paul Han Wu (American
Dream shooting up), and Jennifer "Mistlock" Whitson (Brittany drags Binky in a
red wagon): winner is Mistlock!! ."
"For RACC13, FAVORITE RUNNING GAG, the finalists are The Order of St.
Doomas , Dvandom Stranger known as "Dave" and Aaron
Levitz as villain of RACChallenge! Congratulations Aaron, your
RACCIE will be mailed to prison."
"RACC12, BEST FLAMEWAR finalists are 'Martin is not Dr. Familiar' (Dr.
Familiar earnestly talking with Sonic Man) , 'Teams vs. Solos'
(Spite Grrrl growling at Hero Patrol) and 'LNH Leadership: Time for
a Change?' (Fearless Leader directing LNHers). Leader, your
RACCIE will be forwarded to the Vice-Presidential office."
"RACC11, MOST IMPROVED AUTHOR. Before we nominate these, I've forseen
you all lynching us if Rook gives this away before the end. Rook, cross your
arms will you?" With a whrrr, Rook's arms cover his chest light. "Great.
Finalists are Chris Gumprich (a young woman nervously eyes a large house in her
windshield), Peter "Tick" Milan (Captain Walker darts a sky-cycle around the
Needle) and Paul Han Wu (a corporate headquarters explodes while a man slides
away on a cable). Winner is..." Rook interrupts be standing under Paul's
cctv, and throwing his arms wide revealing a green light. "...Paul Han Wu!!
(Black smoke erupts as Dr. Dark Justice grabs the RACCIE then dissappears
again.)
"Hey, a warm thanks for Doc and Rook, how about it? Zagyg, how'd you
like those presenters?"
"One more Red then Green and I was looking for Can't-Get-A-Break-
At-The-Lights Man to shoot us all."
"Next, the Big Picture Awards will be presented by Captain Napalm and
Nomex Man of the LNH!"
"An honor to be presenting these awards, eh Brother Nomex?"
"Indeed Brother Napalm. The more so since we'll get more lines here
than all of 95. Shall we?"
"Let's. RACC10 -- FAVORITE PERSON WHO HANGS OUT ON RACC the finalists
are Jessica Ihimaera-..."
"Smiler, Russ..."
"Allbery and Dave Van...
"Domelen. And the winner is...Do you not wish to interrupt Brother
Napalm?"
"Not if you expect it Brother Nomex."
"The most popular poster on RACC...
...is Dave Van Domelen. You did not expect it then Brother." (Dvandom
Stranger materializes to chants of "DAVE!" to collect RACCIE)
"Thank you Brother Napalm. For RACC9, FAVORITE ACRAPHOBE/ADULT
OFFERING finalists are: Legion of..."
"Occult Heroes. (Now a huge pile of papers shakes in awknowledgement,
any hint of humanity underneath lost.) LNH-Men: The Silver..."
" ...Age. (Kid Vengeance atop a billboard with machine gun blazing.)
Subliminals. (Dr. Dark Justice holds up a punk). No interruption Brother
Napalm?"
"Mid-word trodding is rude Brother Nomex. Last finalist is Tempest.
(a mouse chews wires as Tempest concentrates). Winner is Legion of...
"...Occult Heroes!! (Demon Boy bursts through pages of manuscript,
spraying paper all over adjacent tables.)"
"I see the timekeepers urging haste, Brother Nomex."
"Indeed Brother Napalm. For RACC8, FAVORITE PARODY/COMEDY the
finalists are Decibel Dude and Vigilante Guy (Nick Eggbeater announces a radio
show), Easily-Discovered Man (Lite drags a protesting, glowing Prof Wong) and
Writer's Block Woman and Mouse, (Mouse checks candidates off list with back-
ground of chaotic mall). Winner is..."
"...Writer's Block Woman and Mouse!!" (WBW accepts in horrendously
expensive gown.)
"Lastly for us..."
"...and a blessing for the quote key..."
"...RACC7, FAVORITE STORY UNIVERSE. Finalists are OMEGA, CROSSROADS
and LNH. Winner is...
"...LNH!!" (Fearless Leader starts to rise but Ultimate Ninja
beats him to the stage to accept.)
"Thank you RACC, and say Goodnight Brother Napalm."
"Goodnight Brother Napalm."
"I can't believe you said that Brother Napalm."
"All right every body -- give it up for the two men with personality
of one! Finally the series we've all been waiting for. Presenting the
Capstone Awards, please welcome to the Net -- Colonel Wes Hickman of SIRECOM!"
Wes takes the stage, waving metallic arms. A black ribbon is on one
lapel of his immaculate military uniform. "Thanks Pointless Awards Man. Now
listen up. These people have earned the reward they're getting tonight. For
RACC6, FAVORITE SINGLE ISSUE the finalists are Dvandom Force Annual #1
(Squidman speaks earnestly at a podium), Easily-Discovered Man #25 (Lite and
Mouse grumble as WBW and EDM happily lead through a carnival), and Subliminals
#1 (rich girl transforms herself into a revolutionary). The winner is EDM #25!
(Wong's brilliant ascension to the stage causes garage doors all over the
neighborhood to rise.)
"Finalists for RACC5, FAVORITE CROSSOVER are LoH/SMLIR crossover (CAW!
and Warbabe blast through a supermarket), Poodles from Hel (Arvie gets millions
of rubber footballs), and The Tazakels Gambit (Danny stalks Dynamax head-
quarters as it erupts around him). The winner is LoH/SMLIR!" Something buried
under a pile of typewritten paper accepts the award.
"RACC4, FAVORITE ARC finalists are Captain Walker Didn't Come Home
(Walker hesitates in front of an active portal), Falling to Pieces (Decibel
Dude engages a flying battle with Ultimate Ninja and Kid Kirby) and Triage
(Eye of Justice throws open door after a man slaps a woman). The winner is
Falling to Pieces!!" Vigilante Guy accepts for absent Pete.
"Next category is RACC3, FAVORITE MINI-SERIES. The finalists are
Birds Fly (Windrider and Blue Canary make impressive airspeed), Epitaphs
(Hannibal grimaces at a vicious whipping) and LNH-Men: the Silver Age (Dr.
Familiar grapples with Devious). The winner is LNH-Men the Silver Age!!"
Sonic Man gets the RACCIE, then returns to the candlelight vigil for Pete.
"FAVORITE ONGOING SERIES, RACC2, finalists are: Decibel Dude and
Vigilante Guy (Nick tries to reason with Heartstopper in her mind), Legion of
Occult Heroes (massive pile has now crowded five tables away) and Transverse
City (a young woman places flowers on her mother's grave). The winner is
Decibel Dude and Vigilante Guy!!" Warbabe picks up the RACCIE, then joins the
increasingly crowded Tick Table.
"Lastly, the RACC1/FAVORITE WRITER finalists are Peter "Tick" Milan,
Dave Van Domelen and Paul Han Wu.
The Winner of the 1995 FAVORITE WRITER IS -- PETER MILAN!!"
(Tick Table accepts and begins singing "Auld Lang Syne")"
After the thunderous applause, Pointless Awards Man returns to the
stage. "Thanks for coming tonight everyone. Naturally we regret our guest of
honor could not make it, but our best wishes, and RACCIES go with him. Good
luck Tick, wherever you are.
"And thanks and good luck to all of you, who may not have been singled
out tonight, but who contribute to a collective whole that is in many ways the
best award of all -- RACC itself. Long may it nurture and unite us! Give
yourselves a big hand, and drive carefully!! See you in 1997! This is
Pointless Awards Man saying -- take us home Zagyg."
. . o o 0 0 O O O O O 0 0 o o . .
THE 1995 rACCIE WINNERS
RACC1 -- Favorite Author Peter "Tick" Milan
RACC2 -- Favorite Series Decibel Dude and Vigilante Guy
RACC3 -- Favorite Mini LNH-Men: The Silver Age
RACC4 -- Favorite Arc Falling to Pieces -- DD&VG #31-40
RACC5 -- Favorite Crossover Legion of Occult Heroes/
Swordmaster & LIR xover
RACC6 -- Favorite Issue Easily-Discovered Man #25
RACC7 -- Favorite Universe LNH
RACC8 -- Favorite Comedy Writers Block Woman (and Mouse)
RACC9 -- Favorite Acrophobe Legion of Occult Heroes
RACC10 -- Favorite Net.personality Dave Van Domelen
RACC11 -- Most Improved Paul Han Wu
RACC12 -- Best Flamewar LNH Leadership: Time for a Change?
RACC13 -- Favorite Running Gag Aaron Levitz as a villain in the
RACC Challenge
RACC14 -- Favorite New Writer Jennifer "Mistlock" Whitson
RABBIT-BREEDERS CUP Peter "Tick" Milan
IMAGE TIMEPIECE Andre Condon
LITTLE LULU WEBPAGE Superguy (http://www.halcyon.com/superguy)