Pointless Awards Man, in conjunction with the OMEGA, PATROL, NTB, LNH and MISC Universes Presents: A Pseudo-Random Production of: A JJMcC textfile o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o The 1994 rACCIE o o o o o AWARDS o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o "Trixie Trulove here reporting from the glitzy, glamorous Net.ropolitan on the Great Alt Way. All the stars from multiple universes are in attendance this evening of a million super-powers. Tonight is the night a year's worth of creativity is rewarded. Tonight the best of RACC's first year are recognised -- and standards set for years to come. It would be no exaggeration to say this is the most important awards event in the history of the Net for all time to come! Ever! "Oh! I see our first celebrity of the night! Making their way through the crowd of well-wishers is, why its the longest-married couple in RACCdom! Pocket Man and Organic Lass. Pok! Any reaction to not being nominated for arACCIE for your wedding?" "Trixie, there is no award that could outshine my happiness with Ori." "Oh Pok..." "Yes, but surely..." "We'll see you inside Trixie." "But Pok, oh wait, it seems that Net.Heroes are arriving in greater numbers. I believe I see Eric "Tempest" Anderson and his long-time sweetheart Anne Benson. Kids, any wedding plans?" "Take it easy Anne..." "Excuse me Eric, I'm tired of this. Listen to me woman. I'm twenty- something. He's a teeny-bopper. We. Are. Not. Dating!" "She understands Anne. Put her rightside up and set her down. And we'll talk about this teeney-bopper thing later." "Whoooee. You can see the excitement has everyone on edge. Oh, perhaps we can get a word from a friendlier sort. If I'm not mistaken, Mr. Mullen Voyd is making his way to the door. Mr. Voyd! Um are you smoking twelve cigarettes at once?" "Who're you, my doctor?" "Uh, no. I thought you might be working tonight, reporting on the event yourself." "Not unless you were gonna get possessed by the Bile Demon from Perkanon. That hasn't happened has it?" "Excuse me?" "Nevermind. I'll explain at the bar. We'll both look better after a few." "Hrm. Well, oh! I see Jack MacMahon wheeling through the crowd on his wheelchair, followed by Demon Boy and Leviathan Lass and Kid CHEEZZAR. There's Sim-Sorceress, Wes Hickman of SIRECOM, could it be Easily-Discovered Man Lite? He's usually much easier to spot. Windrider, Rotanna, UR-Grue, Blue Flame, Netrigan, Deja Dude and some Asian woman, Isaac "Stingray" Warner, Mormon Chick and Elf...who let that smoking dog in here? Solar Flare, Aeneas Boddy, Easy- Going Lad, Lurking Girl, Crossword Master, Paladin, they're just coming too fast and furious now. We'd better take this up inside. Once Elvis Man arrives, there'll be no hearing above the screaming. From outside the Net, this is Trixie Trulove." . . o o 0 0 O O O O O 0 0 o o . . "Trixie Trulove again, now inside the elegant Net.ropolitan Convention Hall. People and others are filing to their seats, with no small amount of socializing I can tell you. If I'm not mistaken, Master Blaster is making pretty good time with Aventine and the bar is surrounded by trenchcoats, with the possible exception of Frat Boy. I see the Rac.tre and CAW! have been asked to move to the back of the room as they were blocking too many people's views. Altogether-Too-Naked-Man and the Totally Nude Guy are talking. At least they're wearing ties. New Look Lass, as usual, is setting the standard for fashion amongst the hero community. Off to the side it looks like some stage hands are opening a partition. Now what....oh! They had to double the size of the room for LegionForce and the NLH! Wow, there are a lot of them. "Hey there's Covenant! Give us a wave, Allan! Oh, nevermind. "Despite the overwhelming crowds, there are a few empty tables. I see by the seating chart Wild Card, Pink Triangles, Dark Imp and a whole table of X-somethings have not yet shown up. They'd better hurry if they plan....too late. Looks like Pointless Awards Man is taking the stage...." "Ladies, gentlemen and everything in between, welcome to the first ever rec.arts.comics.creative rACCIE AWARDS!" (Thunderous Applause) "Tonight we will honor those among us that have distinguished them- selves among all their peers for quality, quantity, or just plain fun! And what a year it's been. From the passing of RACC (Kid Kirby nodding somberly next to Sing-Along Lass), to the great influx of talent both in and out of the established universes (Avante-Garde Avenger salutes a camera), to the rejuv- ination of the NTB (a clink of numerous drinks among a sea of trench) and start of two new multi-writer imprints (ASH and OMEGA chanting back and forth "we got writers yes we do, we got writers how about you?") -- its been an exciting year to be fanficking! (Sarcastic Lad nudges Typo Lad "dare ya to say that five times"). "So to make sure we don't omit anyone let's plow right into it! Guitar Man, the Discretionary Awards theme if you will.....(horrendous wailing and feedback, as if Jimi Hendrix were wringing out a family of hyenas) and now to present the discretionary awards, our old NTB friend the Dvandom Stranger! (A flare of smoke center stage and the Editorial Staff precedes DS out.)" "Once I would have sat amongst you in this time of revelry, but as announcer, alone on the stage, I must ever remain...." "A STRANGER!!!" echoes the entire hall. "Can you see those cue cards?" "The first award, most fittingly, is the KIBO BE DAMNED, FULL CFV AHEAD AWARD, for lifetime achievement. Awarded to Martin Phipps, whose tireless efforts and attention to Net.protocol ensured RACC's existance -- the reason we are here at all. Accepting for Martin will be Deja Dude of the LNH (which he does with a smirk. To a standing ovation). Of course, we still don't have an alt.fan.celine-dion....(laughter despite DS's wooden delivery). "Next is the WHO LEFT A PERFECTLY GOOD UNIVERSE IN THE TRASH? AWARD to the author who motivated the return of the NTB. Mr. Mullen Voyd will accept for....Chris Gumprich, who returned the trenchcoat brigade to active duty, no doubt against their will (Voyd puts out his cigarette on the rACCIE, starts to say something then thinks better of it and leaves the stage). "The MARVLEous MALIBU SWITCHOVER LOVING CUP is given to the author or authors who create and motivate new imprints to multi-writer status. This year, the award is shared between two prolific creators: Dave Van Domelen for ASH and Matt Rossi for OMEGA! (The Stranger's Editorial Staff cleaves the cup, keeps one half and tosses the other to the nearest OMEGA table, amid loud cries of 'nepotism.') "The next award is the BABEL FISH -- WHAT IS THIS POST REALLY ASKING? -- GIFT CERTIFICATE. Given to the RACC posting that most consistantly and annoyingly asks the same question. The certificate goes to "Buy my stuff" which loosely translates to "Which way to rec.arts.comics.marketplace, and will you light the way with a flame?" The Gift Certificate is good for any purchase at Kid September's House o' Clues. "The last discretionary award is the CUT THAT DAMN GORDIAN KNOT PLAQUE, given to the net.personality who defies conventional wisdom by trying to solve a dilemma rather than heaping on emotion. Given this year to Perry Ma.Sig for his inspired solution to thte Catalyst Contention. I'll, uh, hang on to this one too." (Good-natured boos reverberate as billowing smoke conceals DS, then dissipates empty). "Hey hey! Let's give a hand to our congenial Stranger, and all the Discretionary winners. Now, without further ado, lets bring out that that mean midget marcupial from the mind of Mongoose -- half the size, twice the attitude and cute as a button: Nightbeast! for the Notorious Thread awards. Guitar Man some NT music if you will....(Music not noticeably different from glass in a blender ushers Nightbeast to the stage.) "...won't think I'm so cute with your windpipe in my teeth...is my mike on? Right. Let's get this over with. Finalists for the URKEL MEMORIAL 'DID I DO THAT?' SCHOLARSHIP for inadvertant flamewar generation are: "Martin Phipps (monitor reads '..a lot of the newer, stupid stories..') "Dave Van Domelen (split screen. '...not like it used to be...'/ '...Squidman's coffin fell...'/'...Contraption Man was an Acton Lord GIF...') "and Eagle ('...maybe we should bring back the Council of Elders....) (Each of the nominations are greeted with boos, culminating in upror- ious 'NO!s' with the last one.) "Yeah, yeah. Dummy up or I'll come out there after you. The winner is MARTIN, but I guess he'll wait 'till later to pick it up." (An unruly crowd searches in vain for the winner.) "The IMAGE TESTIMONIAL TIMEPIECE (BATTERIES NOT INCLUDED), for consis- tently late fiction finalists are wReam, Scav, and Andre Condon. The winner is wREAM!. (Nightbeast searches the crowd for the winner until someone shouts 'They're not here yet.') "Yeah. Well moving right along, the RABBIT-BREEDERS CUP for prolific writing finalists are Badger (cheers erupt from every section of the room), Tick (fewer cheers, but more bullets from Vigilante Guy), and Ben Rawluk (LegionForce wing drowns the others out). The winner is, and waiters get ready to turn on the firehoses, BADGER! (Tempest accepts as the waiters bravely keep the NLH from rioting.) "I'm trying to move this thing along people. The finalists for RACC13 -- Favorite Running Gag are,say them with me... (karioke-like screen leads the crowd) "AH, NOW THAT'S A MAN'S ...." "D'INSDALE! (Self-Righteous Preacher shrieks and flees into the night)" (A hopeless jumble of authors names as used in stories) "The winner is...(Nightbeast opens and downs a Mr. Paprika) a raccoon's pop." (Bar serves an unprecedented number of Mr. Paprika's.) "RACC12, Best Flamewar finalists are (Solid Gold Dancers dance to poorly rendered 'Light my Fire' as Nightbeast reads) 'Swordmaster is (not) stupid,' 'Die Squidboy,die,' 'and get the X-Men out of LNH/Newbie Death Squad.' And the winner is... (Nightbeast is interrupted as four characters with NDS uniforms hustle out a clawed mutant, a buff redhead, and girl with a white streak of hair. The audience cheers.) The winner is them. (NDS runs to the stage with the aplomb of the CREST Team, gets their rACCIE and leaves)." "RACC11, Most Improved Author finalists are: Badger (monitor shows Deadmeat Earth, then Kulaks), Chad Imbrogio (Covenant collage), and Poet (first Elf, then Impulse and Elf Force). Winner is .... BADGER! (Tempest collects the second award, with a look of growing dread.)" "RACC10, Favorite hanger-outer finalists are Badger, Russ and Tick. Before you get back, Eric, better get Badge's second rACCIE. Badge is the favortie net.personality on RACC! Super. I'm outta here." "Great! A great big hand for the noblest, most forgiving raccon on RACC! Hey, let's not blow this momentum, right folks? Give a warm welcome to the next presenter, Harvey 'don't call me Otto' Hauptmann! Guitar Man, if you will... (sounds that have everyone rushing to Inacoustic Lad's table usher the big senior citizen to the stage)." "Uh, hi folks. Bear with me here, my eyesight ain't what it once was. (Harvey strains to read the cue cards.) RACC9 -- Favorite Acrophobe Offering finalists are: Covenant (Allan downs another drink and waves absently), Golden LNH-Men (Dan Von Modnitz waves absently), Legion of Occult Heroes (Green Trenchcoat waves absently) and, oh! Legacy! Guess I better wave absently. (he does) Winner is LEGION OF OCCULT HEROES! (GT absently collects the rACCIE as Demon Boy and Leviathan Lass celebrate) "RACC8, Favorite Parody/Comedy finalists are Decibel Dude and Vigilante Guy (Decibel Dude makes the cheers seem much louder than everything before), Easily-Discovered Man (camera searches unsuccessfully for him in the crowd), Swordmaster and the Load Island Renegades (Joel! Joel! It's Cran-tastic!), and Writer's Block Woman and Mouse (WBW waves exuberantly to the TV audience as Mouse tries to hide). The Winner is EASILY-DISCOVERED MAN! where is he? (Lite slinks on stage, coughs, nods and goes) "Hmm. Thought that was the comedy category. (Lame writer! yells someone that suspiciously sounds like Badger). Anyway, RACC7, the favorite story universe finalists are ASH (a table of young adults pats their shoulder, which is apparently the applause of the future), LNH (Captain Capitalize's WAHOO shatters some microphones) and OMEGA (Dynamax agents scan the crowd, looking for people clapping, which quelches the smattering of applause). Winner is LNH! (The Drizzt Defenders push Continuity Champ to the stage to thunderous applause. Several cameras wash out at the unrecordable color scheme.) "RACC6, the Favorite Single Issue finalists are Glitch Girl and the Alt.Ter.Net.Tives #5b (monitor shows Glitch Girl leaning on a wall as Ultimate Ninja deals with a glitching Peril Room), Golden LNH-Men #6 ('Why not start at the beginning?' Corpus smiles ironically), and Legion of Occult Heroes #4 (a depressingly devastated Net.ropolis, and tearful Legionnaires). The winner is LEGION OF OCCULT HEROES #4! Congratulations! (Demon Boy and Leviathan Lass rush to the stage jumping for joy until DB notices the monitor. 'Uh maybe this isn't so appropriate.') "The finalists for RACC5, Favorite Crossover, are Crisis of Infinite Sidekicks! (Kid Citrus and Confetti Girl ride a flying carpet), Retcon Hour (VAMMO Woman transforms to the RACCelestial Madonna), and Rig Veda (Tempest and Kali in battle). The Winner is CRISIS OF INFINITE SIDEKICKS! (Kid Chivalry >plinks< in and graciously accepts the rACCIE) "Thanks for you patience. See you later." (Harvey waves and walks offstage) "Some night, eh folks? Well the last four are up, so please welcome Emmanual Emmanuel "Transmission" Kwerks for the final round of presentations. Guitar Man, the honors... (GM plays an incredibly moving, heartfelt solo, but Decibel Dude removed the sound from the air so noone knew) "Awright, pipe down you mugs, we got four more ta get true. RACC4, Fav'ritt Arc. Finalists is Evolution (monitor shows Constellation and Dot announcing their departure), Fateful Distractions (Vigilante Guy throws Decibel Dude into a wall), an' da Great Green Card Quest (Writer's Block Woman readies her wedding gown while Mouse pleads with her). Da winner is: EVOLUTION! (Constellation phases in, gets the rACCIE, cocks his thumb and forefinger to Sig.Lad and leaves). "Man dat gives me da willies. RACC3, Fav'ritt Mini finalists is ASH the LS (woman screams at the sight of dead body parts and screen washes out white), Golden LNH-Men (American Ninja takes a bullet), an' Retcon Midnight (a wild-eyed Continuity Champ streaks through space). Da winner is GOLDEN LNH-MEN! (Cary Smith sheepishly walks on stage, apologizes for Corpus and Kirby's absense, and accepts the rACCIE). "Down ta da biggies. RACC2, Fav'ritt Series finalsts is Cruxadier (monitor shows a non-blinking patroller in a throne and castle), Legion of Occult Heroes (Demon Boy in black suit and Leviathan Lass in multi-colored skirt walk through Portmerion), an' Writer's Block Woman and Mouse (WBW and Mouse gasp in horror at the Appallingly Tasteless Man). Da winner is...'ey, howza boutta drumroll here?" "All I have is a guitar." "Woah! Nevermind! Da favorite series a' 1994 is: LEGION OF OCCULT HEROES. ('Think its appropriate now?' 'Yeah I do.' DB and LL incite the crowd with a big smooch.) An da last one'a da night. RACC1. Fav'ritt Writer. Finalists is Badger (collage of every possible universe), Paul Hardy (LOH members holding hands), and Dave Van Domelen (Earth Goon heroes whooping it up in a totaly inappropriate manner). Da winner is...can't you at least bang on a pot 'r sumtin'?" "Da best writer in RACC fer 1994 is....BADGER!" (Joel! Mike! Jan, Marsha and Cindy! He done it! Tempest doesn't even bother getting up, he telepathically adds the rACCIE to the stack). 'Ey dat's it. I'm outta here befor' dat parkin' lot becomes a zoo." "Ladies and Gentlemen, that concludes this tremendous evening of awards. Kudos to all the authors and stories -- tonight we recognised the standouts, but each and every one adds to the rich tapestry of RACC and makes it the great place it is. Give yourselves a well-deserved round of applause. (Thunderous acclaim.) Thanks one and all and keep up the great work! This is Pointless Awards Man saying drive careful and see you next year." (Guitar Man begins the exit music, emptying the hall in record time.) . . o o 0 0 O O O O O 0 0 o o . . (Moments later, wReam, Scav and Andre rush in.) "Are we late? Did we win anything?" =============================================================== THE 1994 rACCIE WINNERS RACC1 -- Favorite Author Badger RACC2 -- Favorite Series Legion of Occult Heroes RACC3 -- Favorite Mini Golden LNH-Men RACC4 -- Favorite Arc Evolution RACC5 -- Favorite Crossover Crisis of Infinite Sidekicks RACC6 -- Favorite Issue Legion of Occult Heroes #4 RACC7 -- Favorite Universe LNH RACC8 -- Favorite Comedy Easily-Discovered Man RACC9 -- Favorite Acrophobe Legion of Occult Heroes RACC10 -- Favorite Net.personality Badger RACC11 -- Most Improved Badger RACC12 -- Best Flamewar Newbie Death Squad/Get rid of X-Men RACC13 -- Favorite Running Gag "Now that's a Man's..." RABBIT-BREEDERS CUP Badger IMAGE TIMEPIECE wReam URKEL SCHOLARSHIP Martin =============================================================== All characters Copyright their respective creators, with apologies for gross manglings. No continuity should even attempt to deal with this thing.
(As a footnote, Martin wants it to be noted that, "I never said, 'newer, stupider stories' and consider it a misquote.")