[RACCies] 2005 (12th Annual) RACCies Awards Ceremony
"Ladies and gentlemen and others, Pointless Awards Man II, in
conjunction with the Artifice Comics, Academy of Super Heroes, Boring
Productions, Eightfold, Legion of Net.Heroes, Legion of Net.Heroes 2,
Legion of Net.Heroes Y, Starfall, Superguy and Misc universes, proudly
presents..."
o o o o o o o o o o o
o o The 2005 o o
o o o (12th Annual) o o o
o o RACCies Awards o o
o o o o o o o o o o o
Pointless Awards Man II, resplendent in his uniform of yellow and
blue tuxedo, steps onto stage, and throwing wide all four of his arms
proclaims: "Welcome, my friends, to the SHOW THAT NEVER ENDS!"
(Much applause from audience.)
"Hey, thank you! And thanks to everyone for being here for our
big 12th annual award ceremonies! (More applause.) Now, you may have
noticed that this year we've folded in the ACCies awards for the Legion
of Net.Heroes: more fodder for the Best Flame War award, there," he grins,
eliciting laughter. "And to get the show rolling, let's hand a big hand
for the first presenter, who'll be handing our the 'Discretionary' and
'Named' awards, direct from the Swamp Patrol: Arsenal."
"Hi everybody," says Arsenal as he walks on stage in a tuxedo far
more subdued than PAM2's and with a capgun ostentatiously holstered at
his hip.
"First up is the LIFE TIME ACHIEVEMENT AWARD, which goes to the
Looniversal Answering Machine for its consistent hard work in directing
traffic from the alt.comics.lnh newsgroup to rec.arts.comics.creative."
As the the Looniversal Answering Machine walks mechanically on stage and
accepts in a stentorian Robby-the-Robot style voice, Arsenal quips, "I
guess the smear campaign by Arthur Spitzer last year had no effect,
huh?" evoking laughter.
"Next is the JOESEPH SMITH JR. MEMORIAL AWARD FOR PATRIMONY,
which goes to Rick Hindle for his ability to father so many series."
There is much applause and good natured cat calls accompanying the elven
lawyer Anders Goldenspoke (dressed in elven formal wear, which is much
more spiffy than human formal wear) as he approaches the stage to accept
for the author.
"That's followed by the THAT'S JUST CRAZY ENOUGH TO WORK AWARD,
for Andrew Perron's ingenious creation of the first Just Imagine
cascade." ("Hey cool!" exclaims Kid Enthusiastic as he bounds up onto
stage to accept on behalf of his writer.)
"The 'SON, BE A DENTIST' AWARD, for the writer who most consistently
and sadistically torments their characters, goes to Jamas Enright." As
the Net.Elementalist climbs the stage, Arsenal says, "Didn't he get
something like this a couple of years ago?" The Net.Elementalist makes
a sour face and says, "Tell me about it."
"Finally, the AL SHARPTON/LOUIS FARRAKHAN/REV. JOE LOWRY
AWARD FOR BEING ACTIVE IN THE COMMUNITY, awarded to Saxon Brenton,
Wil Alambre, and Eagle -- for End of Month Reviews, Wil's Ego, and
moderation, respectively."
As Windrider swoops in to collect the award, Arsenal muses, "We've
been told that you can fight amongst yourselves as to which person
receives which part of the award." Windrider looks at Arsenal and
thinks out loud, =( That would hardly be civic minded, now would it? )=
before flying off with the award in his claws.
"He has a point there," Arsenal says ruefully. Then he continues,
"Now for the regular Named awards. First up, the 'SPIDER SPINS'!
LITTLE LULU WEB PAGE AWARD. The finalists, in fact the field are:
the Academy of Super Heroes resource homepage [the monitor shows a page
of ASH material], the Blue Light Productions homepage [the monitor shows
the collected BLiP archive], the Legion of Net.Heroes homepage [numerous
resources for trying to cope with the oodles of LNH posts], and RACC at
Wil's Ego [a well perused spinner rack of recent net.comic releases].
"And the winner is: Wil's Ego!"
Applause as Marlo Vivo walks up to the stage to collect on behalf
of the web page owner. "Another year, another winning, huh?" grins
Arsenal. Marlo returns the grin with, "Sure looks like it."
"Finalists for the IMAGE TESTAMONIAL TIMEPIECE (BATTERIES
NOT INCLUDED) are: Saxon Brenton, and... Everyone." Arsenal looks
quizzically over at Pointless Wards Man II. "We're not going to do
that photograph-of-the-awards-handed-out-to-all-participants like
last year, are we?"
PAM2 shakes his head. "No, actually, this year we're making little
plastic replicas." He holds up a transparent perspex awards.
"O-kaaay," says Arsenal. "And the winner is... Everyone!"
As waiters move around the tables, handing out the made-in-Taiwan
awards, PAM2 adds apropos of noting, "And this was despite the attempts
of one voter to stuff the ballot by having Saxon Brenton at first,
second and third place."
"Next up is the RABBIT BREEDERS CUP. The finalists are: Martin
Phipps [a coalition of LNHY villains instigate a crossover, and some
teenagers from the LNH2 future fight disasters], Tom Russell [screen
shows a montage of covers from the numerous series in the 8Fold universe],
and Jesse Willey [the Legion and Regal 13 work at cross purposes to stop
the Killfile family of villains, and a talking cat hosts a late night
discussion show]. And the winner is: Martin Phipps." Applause as
Deja Dude accepts the award.
"Finally, the JOHNNY SAKO 'COME BACK GIANT ROBOT, COME BACK'
LOVING CUP for the RACC writer most sorely missed. The finalists are:
Paul Hardy, Kevin Wilcox and... tsk, Everyone again." Pointless Awards
Man II raises an eyebrow but says nothing. "And the winner is..."
(PAM2 grins expectantly) "Everone," concludes Arsenal flatly. The
waiters distribute more perspex awards among the guests.
"Okay, that's it for me," says Arsenal. "Have a great time everybody."
"Thanks Arsenal," says Pointless Awards Man II as he leads the
clapping with all four of his hands. "Our next presenter, straight from
Destiny City, is Shadowraiser!"
"Hey there everybody," says Shadowraiser in greeting. "Starting the
countdown through the 'numbered' awards, we begin at RACC19. FAVOURITE
NEW TITLE. The finalists are Green Knight [the monitor screen shows
the Green Knight trying and failing to scale a building, then taking the
stairs], Legion of Net.Heroes Volume 2 [screen shows Legionnaires trying
to negotiate with Y-Plex Burb], and Scenes In The Life Of Possible Man
[Possible Man visits his grandfather]. And the winner is: Legion of
Net.Heroes Volume 2."
Bandwagon Chick accepts the award, while dressed in a lovely gown
prepared for her by New look Lass.
"Unfortunately there were no eligible candidates for FAVOURITE NEW
WRITER this year, so we just straight to RACC17. MOST IMPROVED AUTHOR.
The finalists are: Jamas Enright, Tom Russell, and Jesse Willey. And
the winner is: Jamas Enright."
The Net.Elementalist accepts this award as well, commenting,
"You know, Jamas said he was a bit ambivalent about getting this
particular prize."
"Revenge for the 'Son, Be A Dentist' thing, huh?" says Shadowraiser,
sharing a vicious grins with the Net.E.
"Right, the next award is RACC16. FAVOURITE RUNNING GAG. The
field consists of: Apes! [Gorilla Friday schemes to carry out his
creator's plans of uplift, pirate gorillas run amok on the subway, and
Cheesecake-Eater Lad turns everyone in Net.ropolis into apes], the
Looniversal Answering Machine continually winning favourite person who
hangs out on alt.comics.lnh [the Looniversal Answering Machine contrives
to look smug], Speak! parodies in the Deja Dude/Master Blaster Specials
[Deja Dude and Master Blaster smirk], and Pointless Awards Man I still
being..."
A hand takes the nomination paper. "Pointless Awards Man I still
being locked in the closet," read Pointless Awards Man I, calmly.
Pointless Awards Man II goes "geep!" and looks like he's about to
have a heart attack.
Shadowraiser quite deliberately takes the paper back. "And the
winner is:" he says, "Apes!" Gorilla Friday knuckles his way to the
stage to accept the award. As the gorilla departs Shadowraiser stares
at the mentor and student standing beside him. PAM1 gestured calmly
for him to continue.
"Next up is RACC15. BEST FLAMEWAR," Shadowraiser announces. "The
field consists of: Geo-politics in LNH Asia [the Thai Prime Minster makes
an ultimatum to the Philippines President], 'Should We Have The ACCies
This Year?' [writers and readers digesting the implications of parallel
voting patterns between the ACCies and RACCies in previous years], and
`There Were No Flame Wars This Year, Let's Replace It With The RACC
Peace Prize, Awardable To All Of Us'. "
"*Not* the highest quality of venom filled exchanges," observed PAM2,
now over his heart attack and trying to lighten the mood. Without
looking at him PAM1 reaches out and grabs his ear, dragging him down
like a recalcitrant child and telling him, "Respect the subject matter,
Jamie." while PAM1 sputters in a stage whisper, "Ow ow ouchie. Geez.
Lay off will ya?"
Shadowraiser deliberately ignores the Laurel and Hardie act taking
place beside him. "The winner is: Should We Have The ACCies This Year?"
There was applause as Cheesecake-Eater Lad accepts the award.
"For RACC14. FAVOURITE PERSON WHO HANGS OUT ON RACC, the finalists
are Russ Allbery, Saxon Brenton, Brian Perler, and Martin Phipps. And
the winner is: Saxon Brenton." Fourth Wall Lass accepts the award on
behalf of the writer.
"RACC13. FAVOURITE STORY UNIVERSE. The finalists are: Eightfold
[the screen shows Billy Kidman setting up his bookstore], Academy of
Super Heroes [Beacon and Geode hold hands], and Legion of Net.Heroes
[Teriyaki Chicks looks on in bemusement while Onion Lad and Peelix the
Cat thwart a villain]. And the winner is: the Legion of Net.Heroes
Looniverse." There is much applause from the Looniverse contingent as
Kid Kirby accepts the award.
Shadowraiser looks at PAM1 and PAM2 again. "You two going to
behave yourselves?"
"Everything is under control," the smiling Pointless Awards I
assures him. Shadowraiser gives them a dubious nod and departs, and
Pointless Awards Man 1 announces, "The next presenter is Dr Metronome
from the Eightfold imprint." ("Hey, I was going to say that. Ow ow
ouchie.")
"Good evening, everybody," smiles Dr Metronome as she walks up to
the podium. "First up on my shift is RACC12. FAVOURITE REVIEW TITLE.
The field is: Because I'm Bored Reviews, End of Month Reviews, and the
occasional essays put out by Tom Russell. And the winner is: no real
surprise here I suppose... End of Month Reviews." Anal-Retentive Archive
Kid approaches the stage to accept on behalf of the writer.
"You do realise that if he put as much effort into posting Limp-
Asparagus Lad stories as he did in putting out the EoMR he wouldn't get
nominated for the Image Memorial Timepiece," says Dr Metronome.
Anal-Retentive Archive Kid stares at her. "What, and put writing
stories ahead of chronicling the output of the newsgroup?" The audience
laughs, but ARAK leaves the stage looking deeply disturbed over this
highly unnatural point of view.
"I suppose that's one way of looking at it," deadpans Dr Metronome
to the audience. "Next is RACC11. FAVOURITE ACRAPHOBE/ADULT OFFERING.
The finalists are: Alt.Riders [the screen shows a montage of net.heroes
attempting to get rest and relaxation], Road To Killfile Wars [the
villainous relatives of Dr Killfile scheme], and Speak! [Gregory Dingham
and Harry Cash sit in a motel room]. And the winner is: the Alt.Riders."
Agent rises from the Alt.Riders table and accepts the award.
"And just to counterpoint, the finalists for RACC10. FAVOURITE
COMEDY/PARODY are: the Continuing Misadventures of Miss Translation
[the heroes fly into space on a psychodelic spaceship], Legion of
Net.Heroes Volume 2 [Super Fred fights a rampaging giant lizard], and
Limp-Asparagus Lad... Uh, there wasn't anything from that title in the
eligible period."
"Never stopped the nominations process before," said PAM2. "Ow ow
ouchie."
"Anyway, the winner is: Legion of Net.Heroes Volume 2." Fred the
Receptionist accepts the award on behalf of the ensemble of writers.
"The finalists for RACC9. FAVOURITE NEW CHARACTER are: Dalton Asters
[the screen shows a Dalton wearing tin foil on his head], Gregory Dingham
[Gregory inadvertently alters the plot of the movie Taxi Driver], and
Possible Man, [Possible Man tries to recruit Not-Rudolph-Valentino Man].
And the winner is: Gregory Dingham." Applause - most especially from the
Eightfold tables - as Gregory walks up and accept the award.
"For RACC8. FAVOURITE SUPPORTING CHARACTER, the finalists are:
Bad-Timing Boy [Bad-Timing Boy activates the automatic return on a
space.thingee], Kid-Not-Appearing-In-Any-Retcon-Hour-Story [KNAIARHS
stands confused as the Softcenter half on Dva yells at him], and Master
Blaster [Master Blaster organises an attack fleet]. And the winner is:
Bad-Timing Boy." Bad-Timing Boy trips on the edge of the stage as he
goes to accept the award.
"Finally for my shift, RACC7. FAVOURITE VILLAIN/ANTAGONIST. The
finalists: the Fox.Net channel [the screen shows unfair and unbalanced
news coverage], the Inhilators [screen shows drooling extraterrestrials
lying scattered on the floor], Kevin Fiction [Kevin meekly follows his
father home, or does he?], and Screw You Over Lad [SYOLad scoots around
as a killfile ball, harassing people]. And the winner is: Fox.Net."
A self-important looking news presenter smugly accepts the award.
"Well, that's it from me. Thanks for everything," says Dr Metronome.
"Gracious lady, you are most welcome," says Pointless Awards Man I,
giving her a gallant kiss on the wrist, then before PAM2 can get a word
in edgewise, "Our next presenter is Cauliflower the Christmas Miracle
Pooch."
A pit maltoodle bounds up onto the podium and says how great it is to
be here, and then announces that the finalists for RACC6. FAVOURITE
HERO/PROTAGONIST are: Gregory Dingham [the screen shows Gregory
entertaining Sandy over the phone], Wikiboy [Wikiboy grins and bears it],
and Ultimate Ninja [a trio of Ultimate Ninjas sit around a briefing
table]. And the winner, Cauliflower proclaims, is: Ultimate Ninja.
(Applause as the remaining Ultimate Ninja accepts the award.)
Next, Cauliflower says, is RACC5. FAVOURITE SINGLE ISSUE, for which
the finalists are: the Fox.Net Special: The Alt.Riders Exposed [the
screen has vox pop excerpts arranged against the Alt.Riders], Legion of
Net.Heroes Volume 2 #12 [Wikiboy continues to grin and bear it], and War
Without Worlds #1 [net.heroes fight a purple giant in Alt.arctica].
And from these the winner is: The Alt.Riders Exposed. (Applause as Alice
Newbee rises from the Alt.Riders' table to accept the award.)
After she returns to her table Cauliflower continues, announcing
that the field of entries for RACC4. FAVOURITE ARC are: Alt.Riders
#36-41, the 'What I Did On My Holidays' arc [the screen shows Missy
nervously watching a political protest concert], the Just Imagine Saxon
Brenton's RACCies cascade [a squad of Manga Man copies in different
coloured uniforms sound off], and Legion of Net.Heroes Volume 2 #4-5,
the 'Gorilla Pirates of the Subway' arc [the Legion fights pirate
gorillas on a train]. After this montage Cauliflower says that the
winner is: the gorilla pirates on the subway."
The Pirate Gorilla Queen saunters up to the stage, pausing only
briefly to blow a kiss at Frat Boy, while her piratical minions sing
'Stairway To Heaven' in sea-shanty style. ("You know that ape?" Frank
whispers to Frat Boy. "I don't wanna talk about it," grumbles Frat Boy.)
When the singing dies down Cauliflower is able to continue,
announcing that the finalists for RACC3. FAVOURITE MINI SERIES are
are Green Knight [the screen shows Martin Rock sitting and talking with
the dying Ray Cradle], Speak! [Gregory Dingham examines the memorabilia
at the superhuman museum], and War Without Worlds [A technicolour planet
capable of growing mouths menaces the Looniearth]. The winner, it turns
out, is: a tie between the two Tom Russell entries: Green Knight and
Speak! (Applause as Martin accepts the award for the writer.)
The penultimate award, continues Cauliflower, is RACC2. FAVOURITE
ONGOING SERIES. The finalists for this are: Alt.Riders [on screen Missy
announces that she's pregnant], Legion of Net.Heroes Volume 2 [a horde
of poor quality Ultimate Ninja copies rob a bank], and Limp-Asparagus Lad
[ blank screen ]. It turns out that the winners are: a tie between the
series that actually put out a story for the eligible period: Alt.Riders
and LNH Vol.2." (Missy and Miss Translation jointly accept the award for
the responsible writers.)
And finally, the big finish. Cauliflower announces that the
finalists for RACC1. FAVOURITE WRITER are: Saxon Brenton, Jamas Enright,
and Tom Russell. And the winner is: Tom Russell." Much applause as
Carolyn Forge goes to accept the award on behalf of the writer.
Cauliflower concludes by saying how great that was, and wishing
everyone all the best for 2006.
"Thanks Cauliflower," say Pointless Awards Man I. "Well, that's it
everyone. Thanks again for being with us and contributing during another
big year of net.fiction. And I'd also like to thank Pointless Awards
Man 2 for all the effort he's put in while I've been away." (PAM2 looks
disgruntled.) "I'll see you next year for our fabulous thirteenth annual
RACCies awards!" (PAM2 looks even more disgruntled.)
The show rounds off with musical accompaniment from RACC's Most
Dangerous Band.
.....oooooOOOOO(*)OOOOOooooo.....
12th Annual RACCie Winners:
RACC1. Favourite Writer: Tom Russell
RACC2. Favourite Ongoing Series: Alt.Riders and Legion of
Net.Heroes Volume 2 (tie)
RACC3. Favourite Mini-Series: Green Knight and Speak! (tie)
RACC4. Favourite Arc: 'Gorilla Pirates of the Subway' Legion
of Net.Heroes Volume 2 #4-5
RACC5. Favourite Single Issue: Fox.Net Special: The Alt.Riders Exposed!
RACC6. Favourite Hero/Protagonist: Ultimate Ninja
RACC7. Favourite Villain/Antagonist: Fox.Net
RACC8. Favourite Supporting Character: Bad-Timing Boy
RACC9. Favourite New Character: Gregory Dingham
RACC10. Favourite Parody/Comedy: Legion of Net.Heroes Volume 2
RACC11. Favourite Acraphobe/Adult Offering: Alt.Riders
RACC12. Favourite Review Title: End of Month Reviews
RACC13. Favourite Story Universe: Legion of Net.Heroes
RACC14. Favourite Person Who Hangs Out On RACC: Saxon Brenton
RACC15. Best Flamewar: 'Should We Have The ACCies This Year?'
RACC16. Favourite Running Gag: Apes!
RACC17. Most Improved Author: Jamas Enright
RACC18. Favourite New Writer: -no eligibles-
RACC19. Favourite New Title: Legion of Net.Heroes Volume 2
The Rabbit-Breeders Cup: Martin Phipps
The Little Johnny Sako 'Come Back Giant Robot, Come Back' Loving
Cup: Everyone
The Image Testimonial Timepiece (Batteries Not Included): Everyone
The `Spider Spins'! Little Lulu Web Page Award: RACC at Wil's Ego
.....oooooOOOOO(*)OOOOOooooo.....
The was a knock on the door, and Conflicto poked his head into
Pointless Award Man II's dressing room. "Jamie? Hey. Jamie, you there?"
Pointless Awards Man II was sitting in the center of the dressing
room. Conflicto noticed that PAM2's hands were clenched into fists even
as he stared at nothing. "Hey man, you okay?" he asked.
"He's back, Eugene," PAM2 said.
"Well, yeah, that's kind of obvious..." said Conflicto. Then he
added, "No fight scene, though..."
Pointless Award Man II's fists were trembling now. "There will be,
Eugene. I can't go through all that again. I won't go through again."
He looked at Conflicto with a particular intensity that Conflicto - a
long-time member of the Conclave of Super Villains - recognised. PAM2
was grinning at him. It was not a nice grin.