[RACCies] 2005 (12th Annual) RACCies Awards Ceremony "Ladies and gentlemen and others, Pointless Awards Man II, in conjunction with the Artifice Comics, Academy of Super Heroes, Boring Productions, Eightfold, Legion of Net.Heroes, Legion of Net.Heroes 2, Legion of Net.Heroes Y, Starfall, Superguy and Misc universes, proudly presents..." o o o o o o o o o o o o o The 2005 o o o o o (12th Annual) o o o o o RACCies Awards o o o o o o o o o o o o o Pointless Awards Man II, resplendent in his uniform of yellow and blue tuxedo, steps onto stage, and throwing wide all four of his arms proclaims: "Welcome, my friends, to the SHOW THAT NEVER ENDS!" (Much applause from audience.) "Hey, thank you! And thanks to everyone for being here for our big 12th annual award ceremonies! (More applause.) Now, you may have noticed that this year we've folded in the ACCies awards for the Legion of Net.Heroes: more fodder for the Best Flame War award, there," he grins, eliciting laughter. "And to get the show rolling, let's hand a big hand for the first presenter, who'll be handing our the 'Discretionary' and 'Named' awards, direct from the Swamp Patrol: Arsenal." "Hi everybody," says Arsenal as he walks on stage in a tuxedo far more subdued than PAM2's and with a capgun ostentatiously holstered at his hip. "First up is the LIFE TIME ACHIEVEMENT AWARD, which goes to the Looniversal Answering Machine for its consistent hard work in directing traffic from the alt.comics.lnh newsgroup to rec.arts.comics.creative." As the the Looniversal Answering Machine walks mechanically on stage and accepts in a stentorian Robby-the-Robot style voice, Arsenal quips, "I guess the smear campaign by Arthur Spitzer last year had no effect, huh?" evoking laughter. "Next is the JOESEPH SMITH JR. MEMORIAL AWARD FOR PATRIMONY, which goes to Rick Hindle for his ability to father so many series." There is much applause and good natured cat calls accompanying the elven lawyer Anders Goldenspoke (dressed in elven formal wear, which is much more spiffy than human formal wear) as he approaches the stage to accept for the author. "That's followed by the THAT'S JUST CRAZY ENOUGH TO WORK AWARD, for Andrew Perron's ingenious creation of the first Just Imagine cascade." ("Hey cool!" exclaims Kid Enthusiastic as he bounds up onto stage to accept on behalf of his writer.) "The 'SON, BE A DENTIST' AWARD, for the writer who most consistently and sadistically torments their characters, goes to Jamas Enright." As the Net.Elementalist climbs the stage, Arsenal says, "Didn't he get something like this a couple of years ago?" The Net.Elementalist makes a sour face and says, "Tell me about it." "Finally, the AL SHARPTON/LOUIS FARRAKHAN/REV. JOE LOWRY AWARD FOR BEING ACTIVE IN THE COMMUNITY, awarded to Saxon Brenton, Wil Alambre, and Eagle -- for End of Month Reviews, Wil's Ego, and moderation, respectively." As Windrider swoops in to collect the award, Arsenal muses, "We've been told that you can fight amongst yourselves as to which person receives which part of the award." Windrider looks at Arsenal and thinks out loud, =( That would hardly be civic minded, now would it? )= before flying off with the award in his claws. "He has a point there," Arsenal says ruefully. Then he continues, "Now for the regular Named awards. First up, the 'SPIDER SPINS'! LITTLE LULU WEB PAGE AWARD. The finalists, in fact the field are: the Academy of Super Heroes resource homepage [the monitor shows a page of ASH material], the Blue Light Productions homepage [the monitor shows the collected BLiP archive], the Legion of Net.Heroes homepage [numerous resources for trying to cope with the oodles of LNH posts], and RACC at Wil's Ego [a well perused spinner rack of recent net.comic releases]. "And the winner is: Wil's Ego!" Applause as Marlo Vivo walks up to the stage to collect on behalf of the web page owner. "Another year, another winning, huh?" grins Arsenal. Marlo returns the grin with, "Sure looks like it." "Finalists for the IMAGE TESTAMONIAL TIMEPIECE (BATTERIES NOT INCLUDED) are: Saxon Brenton, and... Everyone." Arsenal looks quizzically over at Pointless Wards Man II. "We're not going to do that photograph-of-the-awards-handed-out-to-all-participants like last year, are we?" PAM2 shakes his head. "No, actually, this year we're making little plastic replicas." He holds up a transparent perspex awards. "O-kaaay," says Arsenal. "And the winner is... Everyone!" As waiters move around the tables, handing out the made-in-Taiwan awards, PAM2 adds apropos of noting, "And this was despite the attempts of one voter to stuff the ballot by having Saxon Brenton at first, second and third place." "Next up is the RABBIT BREEDERS CUP. The finalists are: Martin Phipps [a coalition of LNHY villains instigate a crossover, and some teenagers from the LNH2 future fight disasters], Tom Russell [screen shows a montage of covers from the numerous series in the 8Fold universe], and Jesse Willey [the Legion and Regal 13 work at cross purposes to stop the Killfile family of villains, and a talking cat hosts a late night discussion show]. And the winner is: Martin Phipps." Applause as Deja Dude accepts the award. "Finally, the JOHNNY SAKO 'COME BACK GIANT ROBOT, COME BACK' LOVING CUP for the RACC writer most sorely missed. The finalists are: Paul Hardy, Kevin Wilcox and... tsk, Everyone again." Pointless Awards Man II raises an eyebrow but says nothing. "And the winner is..." (PAM2 grins expectantly) "Everone," concludes Arsenal flatly. The waiters distribute more perspex awards among the guests. "Okay, that's it for me," says Arsenal. "Have a great time everybody." "Thanks Arsenal," says Pointless Awards Man II as he leads the clapping with all four of his hands. "Our next presenter, straight from Destiny City, is Shadowraiser!" "Hey there everybody," says Shadowraiser in greeting. "Starting the countdown through the 'numbered' awards, we begin at RACC19. FAVOURITE NEW TITLE. The finalists are Green Knight [the monitor screen shows the Green Knight trying and failing to scale a building, then taking the stairs], Legion of Net.Heroes Volume 2 [screen shows Legionnaires trying to negotiate with Y-Plex Burb], and Scenes In The Life Of Possible Man [Possible Man visits his grandfather]. And the winner is: Legion of Net.Heroes Volume 2." Bandwagon Chick accepts the award, while dressed in a lovely gown prepared for her by New look Lass. "Unfortunately there were no eligible candidates for FAVOURITE NEW WRITER this year, so we just straight to RACC17. MOST IMPROVED AUTHOR. The finalists are: Jamas Enright, Tom Russell, and Jesse Willey. And the winner is: Jamas Enright." The Net.Elementalist accepts this award as well, commenting, "You know, Jamas said he was a bit ambivalent about getting this particular prize." "Revenge for the 'Son, Be A Dentist' thing, huh?" says Shadowraiser, sharing a vicious grins with the Net.E. "Right, the next award is RACC16. FAVOURITE RUNNING GAG. The field consists of: Apes! [Gorilla Friday schemes to carry out his creator's plans of uplift, pirate gorillas run amok on the subway, and Cheesecake-Eater Lad turns everyone in Net.ropolis into apes], the Looniversal Answering Machine continually winning favourite person who hangs out on alt.comics.lnh [the Looniversal Answering Machine contrives to look smug], Speak! parodies in the Deja Dude/Master Blaster Specials [Deja Dude and Master Blaster smirk], and Pointless Awards Man I still being..." A hand takes the nomination paper. "Pointless Awards Man I still being locked in the closet," read Pointless Awards Man I, calmly. Pointless Awards Man II goes "geep!" and looks like he's about to have a heart attack. Shadowraiser quite deliberately takes the paper back. "And the winner is:" he says, "Apes!" Gorilla Friday knuckles his way to the stage to accept the award. As the gorilla departs Shadowraiser stares at the mentor and student standing beside him. PAM1 gestured calmly for him to continue. "Next up is RACC15. BEST FLAMEWAR," Shadowraiser announces. "The field consists of: Geo-politics in LNH Asia [the Thai Prime Minster makes an ultimatum to the Philippines President], 'Should We Have The ACCies This Year?' [writers and readers digesting the implications of parallel voting patterns between the ACCies and RACCies in previous years], and `There Were No Flame Wars This Year, Let's Replace It With The RACC Peace Prize, Awardable To All Of Us'. " "*Not* the highest quality of venom filled exchanges," observed PAM2, now over his heart attack and trying to lighten the mood. Without looking at him PAM1 reaches out and grabs his ear, dragging him down like a recalcitrant child and telling him, "Respect the subject matter, Jamie." while PAM1 sputters in a stage whisper, "Ow ow ouchie. Geez. Lay off will ya?" Shadowraiser deliberately ignores the Laurel and Hardie act taking place beside him. "The winner is: Should We Have The ACCies This Year?" There was applause as Cheesecake-Eater Lad accepts the award. "For RACC14. FAVOURITE PERSON WHO HANGS OUT ON RACC, the finalists are Russ Allbery, Saxon Brenton, Brian Perler, and Martin Phipps. And the winner is: Saxon Brenton." Fourth Wall Lass accepts the award on behalf of the writer. "RACC13. FAVOURITE STORY UNIVERSE. The finalists are: Eightfold [the screen shows Billy Kidman setting up his bookstore], Academy of Super Heroes [Beacon and Geode hold hands], and Legion of Net.Heroes [Teriyaki Chicks looks on in bemusement while Onion Lad and Peelix the Cat thwart a villain]. And the winner is: the Legion of Net.Heroes Looniverse." There is much applause from the Looniverse contingent as Kid Kirby accepts the award. Shadowraiser looks at PAM1 and PAM2 again. "You two going to behave yourselves?" "Everything is under control," the smiling Pointless Awards I assures him. Shadowraiser gives them a dubious nod and departs, and Pointless Awards Man 1 announces, "The next presenter is Dr Metronome from the Eightfold imprint." ("Hey, I was going to say that. Ow ow ouchie.") "Good evening, everybody," smiles Dr Metronome as she walks up to the podium. "First up on my shift is RACC12. FAVOURITE REVIEW TITLE. The field is: Because I'm Bored Reviews, End of Month Reviews, and the occasional essays put out by Tom Russell. And the winner is: no real surprise here I suppose... End of Month Reviews." Anal-Retentive Archive Kid approaches the stage to accept on behalf of the writer. "You do realise that if he put as much effort into posting Limp- Asparagus Lad stories as he did in putting out the EoMR he wouldn't get nominated for the Image Memorial Timepiece," says Dr Metronome. Anal-Retentive Archive Kid stares at her. "What, and put writing stories ahead of chronicling the output of the newsgroup?" The audience laughs, but ARAK leaves the stage looking deeply disturbed over this highly unnatural point of view. "I suppose that's one way of looking at it," deadpans Dr Metronome to the audience. "Next is RACC11. FAVOURITE ACRAPHOBE/ADULT OFFERING. The finalists are: Alt.Riders [the screen shows a montage of net.heroes attempting to get rest and relaxation], Road To Killfile Wars [the villainous relatives of Dr Killfile scheme], and Speak! [Gregory Dingham and Harry Cash sit in a motel room]. And the winner is: the Alt.Riders." Agent rises from the Alt.Riders table and accepts the award. "And just to counterpoint, the finalists for RACC10. FAVOURITE COMEDY/PARODY are: the Continuing Misadventures of Miss Translation [the heroes fly into space on a psychodelic spaceship], Legion of Net.Heroes Volume 2 [Super Fred fights a rampaging giant lizard], and Limp-Asparagus Lad... Uh, there wasn't anything from that title in the eligible period." "Never stopped the nominations process before," said PAM2. "Ow ow ouchie." "Anyway, the winner is: Legion of Net.Heroes Volume 2." Fred the Receptionist accepts the award on behalf of the ensemble of writers. "The finalists for RACC9. FAVOURITE NEW CHARACTER are: Dalton Asters [the screen shows a Dalton wearing tin foil on his head], Gregory Dingham [Gregory inadvertently alters the plot of the movie Taxi Driver], and Possible Man, [Possible Man tries to recruit Not-Rudolph-Valentino Man]. And the winner is: Gregory Dingham." Applause - most especially from the Eightfold tables - as Gregory walks up and accept the award. "For RACC8. FAVOURITE SUPPORTING CHARACTER, the finalists are: Bad-Timing Boy [Bad-Timing Boy activates the automatic return on a space.thingee], Kid-Not-Appearing-In-Any-Retcon-Hour-Story [KNAIARHS stands confused as the Softcenter half on Dva yells at him], and Master Blaster [Master Blaster organises an attack fleet]. And the winner is: Bad-Timing Boy." Bad-Timing Boy trips on the edge of the stage as he goes to accept the award. "Finally for my shift, RACC7. FAVOURITE VILLAIN/ANTAGONIST. The finalists: the Fox.Net channel [the screen shows unfair and unbalanced news coverage], the Inhilators [screen shows drooling extraterrestrials lying scattered on the floor], Kevin Fiction [Kevin meekly follows his father home, or does he?], and Screw You Over Lad [SYOLad scoots around as a killfile ball, harassing people]. And the winner is: Fox.Net." A self-important looking news presenter smugly accepts the award. "Well, that's it from me. Thanks for everything," says Dr Metronome. "Gracious lady, you are most welcome," says Pointless Awards Man I, giving her a gallant kiss on the wrist, then before PAM2 can get a word in edgewise, "Our next presenter is Cauliflower the Christmas Miracle Pooch." A pit maltoodle bounds up onto the podium and says how great it is to be here, and then announces that the finalists for RACC6. FAVOURITE HERO/PROTAGONIST are: Gregory Dingham [the screen shows Gregory entertaining Sandy over the phone], Wikiboy [Wikiboy grins and bears it], and Ultimate Ninja [a trio of Ultimate Ninjas sit around a briefing table]. And the winner, Cauliflower proclaims, is: Ultimate Ninja. (Applause as the remaining Ultimate Ninja accepts the award.) Next, Cauliflower says, is RACC5. FAVOURITE SINGLE ISSUE, for which the finalists are: the Fox.Net Special: The Alt.Riders Exposed [the screen has vox pop excerpts arranged against the Alt.Riders], Legion of Net.Heroes Volume 2 #12 [Wikiboy continues to grin and bear it], and War Without Worlds #1 [net.heroes fight a purple giant in Alt.arctica]. And from these the winner is: The Alt.Riders Exposed. (Applause as Alice Newbee rises from the Alt.Riders' table to accept the award.) After she returns to her table Cauliflower continues, announcing that the field of entries for RACC4. FAVOURITE ARC are: Alt.Riders #36-41, the 'What I Did On My Holidays' arc [the screen shows Missy nervously watching a political protest concert], the Just Imagine Saxon Brenton's RACCies cascade [a squad of Manga Man copies in different coloured uniforms sound off], and Legion of Net.Heroes Volume 2 #4-5, the 'Gorilla Pirates of the Subway' arc [the Legion fights pirate gorillas on a train]. After this montage Cauliflower says that the winner is: the gorilla pirates on the subway." The Pirate Gorilla Queen saunters up to the stage, pausing only briefly to blow a kiss at Frat Boy, while her piratical minions sing 'Stairway To Heaven' in sea-shanty style. ("You know that ape?" Frank whispers to Frat Boy. "I don't wanna talk about it," grumbles Frat Boy.) When the singing dies down Cauliflower is able to continue, announcing that the finalists for RACC3. FAVOURITE MINI SERIES are are Green Knight [the screen shows Martin Rock sitting and talking with the dying Ray Cradle], Speak! [Gregory Dingham examines the memorabilia at the superhuman museum], and War Without Worlds [A technicolour planet capable of growing mouths menaces the Looniearth]. The winner, it turns out, is: a tie between the two Tom Russell entries: Green Knight and Speak! (Applause as Martin accepts the award for the writer.) The penultimate award, continues Cauliflower, is RACC2. FAVOURITE ONGOING SERIES. The finalists for this are: Alt.Riders [on screen Missy announces that she's pregnant], Legion of Net.Heroes Volume 2 [a horde of poor quality Ultimate Ninja copies rob a bank], and Limp-Asparagus Lad [ blank screen ]. It turns out that the winners are: a tie between the series that actually put out a story for the eligible period: Alt.Riders and LNH Vol.2." (Missy and Miss Translation jointly accept the award for the responsible writers.) And finally, the big finish. Cauliflower announces that the finalists for RACC1. FAVOURITE WRITER are: Saxon Brenton, Jamas Enright, and Tom Russell. And the winner is: Tom Russell." Much applause as Carolyn Forge goes to accept the award on behalf of the writer. Cauliflower concludes by saying how great that was, and wishing everyone all the best for 2006. "Thanks Cauliflower," say Pointless Awards Man I. "Well, that's it everyone. Thanks again for being with us and contributing during another big year of net.fiction. And I'd also like to thank Pointless Awards Man 2 for all the effort he's put in while I've been away." (PAM2 looks disgruntled.) "I'll see you next year for our fabulous thirteenth annual RACCies awards!" (PAM2 looks even more disgruntled.) The show rounds off with musical accompaniment from RACC's Most Dangerous Band. .....oooooOOOOO(*)OOOOOooooo..... 12th Annual RACCie Winners: RACC1. Favourite Writer: Tom Russell RACC2. Favourite Ongoing Series: Alt.Riders and Legion of Net.Heroes Volume 2 (tie) RACC3. Favourite Mini-Series: Green Knight and Speak! (tie) RACC4. Favourite Arc: 'Gorilla Pirates of the Subway' Legion of Net.Heroes Volume 2 #4-5 RACC5. Favourite Single Issue: Fox.Net Special: The Alt.Riders Exposed! RACC6. Favourite Hero/Protagonist: Ultimate Ninja RACC7. Favourite Villain/Antagonist: Fox.Net RACC8. Favourite Supporting Character: Bad-Timing Boy RACC9. Favourite New Character: Gregory Dingham RACC10. Favourite Parody/Comedy: Legion of Net.Heroes Volume 2 RACC11. Favourite Acraphobe/Adult Offering: Alt.Riders RACC12. Favourite Review Title: End of Month Reviews RACC13. Favourite Story Universe: Legion of Net.Heroes RACC14. Favourite Person Who Hangs Out On RACC: Saxon Brenton RACC15. Best Flamewar: 'Should We Have The ACCies This Year?' RACC16. Favourite Running Gag: Apes! RACC17. Most Improved Author: Jamas Enright RACC18. Favourite New Writer: -no eligibles- RACC19. Favourite New Title: Legion of Net.Heroes Volume 2 The Rabbit-Breeders Cup: Martin Phipps The Little Johnny Sako 'Come Back Giant Robot, Come Back' Loving Cup: Everyone The Image Testimonial Timepiece (Batteries Not Included): Everyone The `Spider Spins'! Little Lulu Web Page Award: RACC at Wil's Ego .....oooooOOOOO(*)OOOOOooooo..... The was a knock on the door, and Conflicto poked his head into Pointless Award Man II's dressing room. "Jamie? Hey. Jamie, you there?" Pointless Awards Man II was sitting in the center of the dressing room. Conflicto noticed that PAM2's hands were clenched into fists even as he stared at nothing. "Hey man, you okay?" he asked. "He's back, Eugene," PAM2 said. "Well, yeah, that's kind of obvious..." said Conflicto. Then he added, "No fight scene, though..." Pointless Award Man II's fists were trembling now. "There will be, Eugene. I can't go through all that again. I won't go through again." He looked at Conflicto with a particular intensity that Conflicto - a long-time member of the Conclave of Super Villains - recognised. PAM2 was grinning at him. It was not a nice grin.