[RACCies] 2004 RACCies Awards Ceremony "Ladies and gentlemen and others, Pointless Awards Man II, in conjunction with the Artifice Comics, Academy of Super Heroes, Boring Productions, Full Moon, IP, Legion of Net.Heroes, Legion of Net.Heroes 2, Legion of Net.Heroes Y, Superguy and Misc universes, proudly presents... " o o o o o o o o o o o o o The 2004 o o o o o (11th Annual) o o o o o RACCies Awards o o o o o o o o o o o o o The curtains open, and the huge, green-skinned, four-armed, yellow and blue tuxedoed Pointless Awards Man II is standing on stage. He picks up his microphone, and begins to croon (well, monologue in a sustained and not-unpleasant drawl): "You must remember this A kick is still a kick A fight is still a fight The fundamental things apply As time goes by "And when combatants grapple In the middle of a battle On a brawl you can rely No matter what the plot lines bring As time goes by "Searchlights and monologues - never out of date Hearts full of passion - destiny and fate Villain needs a hero - someone that he can hate That no one can deny "It's still the same old story A fight for love and glory A case of do or die The world will always gawp at conflict As time goes by. " The song draws to and end. "Well, hello there, RACConteurs, and welcome to our big 11th annual awards ceremony." (Much applause from the audience.) PAM2 then snakes out a hand and grabs a stool, and sits on it. "You know," he says conversationally, "there are times when people come up to me and say," (and here PAM2 jumps to his feet and strikes a Significant Kirby Pose, repeating in a stentorian manner) " `But Jamie! Aren't you... DEAD!? Killed hideously during the conflict of some Crisis of Infinite Crossovers!?' " Pointless Awards Man II then sits back on the stool and resumes a casual tone. "To which I say, `Weeell, now that you mention it...'." eliciting laughter from the audience. PAM2 pauses for an instant, as if thinking, then adds, "Although I do appreciate all the condolences cards. No. Really." as the audience laughs again. Then he jumps to his feet in another Significant Kirby Pose and declaims, " `But won't that interfere with your MCing at the RACCie Awards!?'." He sits back on his stool again, and says mock seriously, " `No.' " Then as the laughter dies away again he gets up off the stool, and this time saunters across the stage back towards the podium. "What I think they may be failing to appreciate is just how sublimely immune to continuity we are here at the RACCies. And just to emphasise that point..." "Run their noses in it, you mean," comes a voice from off stage. "Quite, Eugene," replied PAM2, clearly as part of the act, "...I'd like you all to give a big hand for our first announcer for the 'Discretionary' and 'Named' awards, all the way from the future in the ASH universe: Conflicto and his Zoo of Malice!" Conflicto - dressed in a tuxedo of rhinestones - walks on the stage followed by a three-eyed crocodile, the fire-breathing camel and a wheeled water tank containing a palomino hippocampus. "Hey, thanks PAM2. And that is *such* a cool tux!". "Back at ya," grins PAM2. "Great to be here folks," says Conflicto, turning back to the audience. Let's get straight underway... "First up is the 'BURN BABY! BURN!!' AWARD for the series most likely to be burnt at the stake if it were posted in the 17th century. Gertrude, if you'll do the honours." Conflicto holds up a sealed envelope, which the fire-breathing camel breathes at, neatly burning off one end. Conflicto then reaches in and extracts the slip, which has been only slightly singed along one edge. "The awards goes to: the Daily Super Short-Short Story!" Applause erupts as the LNHY version of God walks up on stage and accepts the award. "The second discretionary award is the AS X-BOOKS APPROACHES INFINITY GAUNTLET, for the best parody of a 'real' comic-book idea. This one goes to (more fire-breathing from the camel) Bride of C'thulhu #8 for its revelations about Hypertext Time." The applause isn't dimmed too much as Cyg.net.a, the Bride of C'thulhu, slimes her way up into the stage to collect the award, hefting aloft in triumph with one tentacle. "And now for the Named awards. First up, the 'SPIDER SPINS'! LITTLE LULU WEB PAGE AWARD. The finalists are: The Eyrie webpage [the screen shows many people (and others) browsing the archives for their reading pleasure], and Wil's Ego [a well perused spinner rack of recent net.comic releases]. "And the winner is: (fwoosh!!!) Wil's Ego!" Applause as Marlo Vivo walks up to the stage to collect on behalf of the web page owner. "Finalist for the IMAGE TESTAMONIAL TIMEPIECE (BATTERIES NOT INCLUDED) are: Paul Hardy [the screen shows the Legion of Occult Heroes departing with the Dvandom Stranger], Scavenger [Rebell Yell sits beside a dusty roadside, waiting for his next storyline to come along], and Everyone [screen cycles through audience shots of past RACCies ceremonies]. And the winner is (fwoosh!!!): Everyone! Okay people, you can now open those envelopes that were on your chairs as you came in." The audience opens their individually addressed envelopes, to discover that they each now own a colour glossy photograph of the award. There is confused muttering from the audience, but Conflicto enthuses, "Cool, huh?" before proceeding. "Finalists for the RABBIT BREDERS CUP are: Saxon Brenton [the screen cycles through a montage of net.heroes being menaced by opera cape wearing strangers and seminary students being menaced by evil socks], Martin Phipps [a cycle through various crossovers between the LNH, LNH Asia and LNH Europe, and between a coterie of villains who swap opponents], and Arthur Spitzer [the Chuggernaut trashes the RACCCafe, and then a new imprint is created]. And the winner is: (fwoosh!!!) Martin Phipps!" Deja Dude collects the award on behalf of the author, to much applause from the LNH, LNH2 and LNHY tables. "Okay, that's it from me. Back to you, oh master of ceremonies." "Thanks Conflicto. And thank *you* Gertrude," says Pointless Awards Man II as the Zoo of Malice leave. "Our next set of awards will be presented by that woman of distinction, direct from the Artifice Comics universe, Mysteria!" "Thanks PAM," smiles Mysteria as she walks on. Pointless Awards Man II takes her hand and gives it a gentlemanly kiss, before leaving her the podium. "Well, what a wonderful occasion. So many old friends and new faces. First up in the `numbered' categories we have RACC15. FAVOURITE NEW TITLE. The finalists are: the Daily Super Short-Short Story [the screen shows Gotta Love Me Lad asking God for a companion], Teen Fascists [stung by media harassment, the Teen Fascists make a documentary about their work], and Vel [two versions of Vel face off against one another]. And the winner is: the Daily Super Short-Short Story!" Gotta Love Me Lad, representing the cast of both storylines, bounces up onto stage and collects the award. "RACC14 is the award for FAVOURITE NEW WRITER. The two eligibles are: Tim Munn [the screen shows No-Point Lad angsting about not having a point, while the despairing Dismal-Hope Lad watches on] and Vash The Wanderer [Samantha commands Jager the catboy to stop trying to attack her]. And the winner is: Tim Munn!" No-Point Lad happily climbs the stage and accepts the award on behalf of the author, to the astonishment of Dismal-Hope Lad, who had honestly thought their author had had no chance. "RACC13. MOST IMPROVED AUTHOR. The finalists are: Saxon Brenton, Jamas Enright, and Arthur Spitzer. And the winner is Arthur Spitzer!" Kid Kicked-Out approaches the stage and collects the award, then after a very brief "Thank you," gets off before they have time to throw him out. "Next up is RACC12. FAVOURITE RUNNING GAG. The finalists are: Mr Paprika [activity at the bar speeds up as many orders for Mr Paprika are placed], Sock puns ["On the other foot..."], and 'What Would Gamer Boy Think?'. And the winner is: Sock Puns!" Damian the evil sock slithers up and collects the award to the exceptionally loud applause from the villains' tables about the hall. "Finally from me, RACC11. BEST FLAMEWAR. The finalists are: "Using the word 'said' over other descriptive terms", "Should we stop having RACCies?", and "RACC is too apathetic to have flamewars". Strange, I thought that last one was just a metatextual comment. Oh well. The winner is: "Should we stop having RACCies?". Anal-Retentive Archive Kid collects the award on behalf of the administrator. "Well, how about that then," says Pointless Awards Man II, leading the applause as he retakes the podium from the departing Mysteria "For our next set of awards, let's have a big welcome for everyone's favourite otaku fanatic, Kid Enthusiastic of the Legion of Net.Heroes!" Kid Enthusiastic bounces on to stage. "Thanks, Pointless Awards Man!" he chirrups. "Cool! Let's see what's next! RACC10 is FAVOURITE PERSON WHO HANGS OUT ON RACC! The finalists for this one are: Russ Allbery, Saxon Brenton, and Dave Van Domelon! And the winner is: Saxon Brenton! TJ approaches the stage to collect the award on behalf of the author, and is a little put off by the enthusiasm of Kid Enthusiastic's handshake. "Okay then! The next award is RACC9. FAVOURITE STORY UNIVERSE! The finalists are: the ASH universe of the Academy of Super Heroes! [screen shows Coulter teaching in front of many young new para- humans], the LNH Looniverse of the Legion of Net.Heroes! [the Legion of Net.Hippies fly off in Kid Kesey's Electric Kool-Aid Flight.thingee], and the LNHY Looniverse of the Legion of Net.Heroes Y! [Kid Kicked-Out and Van.Hel.Sig face off against the Road Rager and Madam Middle Finger]. And the winner is: the LNH Looniverse! Yay us!" The Legionnaires decide to rub salt into the wound by sending Anything-You-Can-Do-I-Can-Do-Better Lad up to collect the award. "RACC8 is the FAVOURITE REVIEW TITLE. Only nominee and winner is: the End of Month Reviews!" Anal-Retentive Archive Kid approaches the stage for second time to collect the award on behalf of the author, and rolls his eyes with a wry grin when someone shouts, "So he's only doing it for the award, then?" "Next up is RACC7. FAVOURITE ACRAPHOBE OFFERING! The finalists are: Academy of Super-Heroes! [the screen shows the Eye of Purity sacrificing himself in an unwinnable combat in order to whittle away at the power of Q'Nos], The Alt.Riders! [the Net.Elementalist prepares to incinerate Karmic Death and his demons, as well as himself and the other net.heroes he's working with], and Limp- Asparagus Lad! [Limp-Asparagus Lad flies a family out of a house fire]. And the winner is: The Alt.Riders!" Morph - as one of the few members of the team who's more or less trusted to behave responsibly in a situation like this - gets the pleasant task of collecting the award. "Neat! This one's one of my favourites! RACC6. FAVOURITE PARODY/COMEDY! The finalists are: The Continuing Misadventures of Miss Translation! [the screen shows net.heroes being yelled at for loosing at team member], Easily-Discovered Man! [Cynical Lass and Lite fight Glurge, the sentient syrup monster], and Limp- Asparagus Lad! [Lenny gives Chinese Guy a nibble] And the winner is: Easily-Discovered Man!" Cynical Lass graciously refrains from cynicism as she collects the coveted award for her table. "Well, that's about if from me!" says Kid Enthusiastic. "Back to you, PAM." "Thanks KE. Now for the last big five categories, folks. And here to present them is none other than the Looniversal Answer Machine!" Applause as the Looniversal Answering Machine approaches the podium. "Thank you, Pointless Awards Man," says the urbanely modulated, Robby-the-Robot style voice of the Answering Machine. "For the category of RACC5. FAVOURITE SINGLE ISSUE, the finalists are: 'Last Fall in the House of Usher' in Easily-Discovered Man #45 [the screen shows Lite staring at Uma Thurman dressed at the Waffle Queen], 'Genre Conflict' from Limp-Asparagus Lad #54 [net.heroes stand in front of a twisted version of a cathedral], and What If... Jesus Had Been A Scientist? [Jesus and Poncius Pilate try to outmanoeuvre each other in affecting the future]. And the winner is: 'Last Fall of the House of Usher'." Uma Thurman (no longer dressed as the Waffle Queen) approaches the stage and graciously accepts the ward. "For the category of RACC4. FAVOURITE ARC, the finalists are: The Drake/God arc from The Alt.Riders #27-29 [the screen shows Drake granting absolution to weeping net.heroes on his talk show], 'A Devil Came Down To Georgia' from The Daily Super Short-Short Story #19-63 [MegaMetral BlastLord, Delroy and TJ watch an apartment block burn], and Letter Adventures [a letter by letter description of the word 'Hello']. And the winner is: 'A Devil Came Down To Georgia'!" MegaMetal BlastLord collects the award on behalf of the cast, and holds it up triumphantly for the rest of his table. "For the category of RACC3. FAVOURITE MINI-SERIES, the finalists are: Cauliflower the Christmas Miracle Pooch [the screens show a welter of net.heroes suggesting names], Ultimate Merceneary [Ultimate Mercenary rallies a groups of tribal warriors against tomatoes], and What If... Jesus Had Been a Scientist? [Jesus tries to explain rocket science to an uncomprehending crowd]. And the winner is: Cauliflower the Christmas Miracle Pooch!" A pit maltoodle bounds up onto the stage and accepts his award with a wise and inspiring comment. "For the category of RACC2. FAVOURITE ONGOING SERIES, the finalists are: Academy of Superheroes [the screen shows a hovering Peregryn kick the Leviathan on the nose, and get swallowed whole for his trouble], The Alt.Riders [the Alt.Riders watch circus freaks with disquiet], The Continuing Misadventures of Miss Translations [Miss Translation and friends are offered a new headquarters by Lamar Dunston], and Easily-Discovered Man [Glurge induces the Professor to sing 'You Are My Sunshine']. And the winner is: A tie between The Continuing Misadventures of Miss Translation and Easily- Discovered Man!" Miss Translation and Easily-Discovered Man Lite walk to the podium and collect their awards. "And finally, for the category of RACC1. FAVOURITE WRITER. The finalists are: Saxon Brenton, Jamas Enright, Martin Phipps, and Dave Van Domelen. And he winner is... Saxon Brenton! Limp-Asparagus Lad accepts the award on behalf of the writer, but the cameras seem to take more interest in the audience. Pointless Awards Man II walks back on stage, clapping, and gives the Looniversal Answering Machine a appreciative nod as they pass. "Well that's it folks, the winners for our big 11th year. Thanks to everyone who participated, to our audience and everyone reading at home. And don't forget to stick around for the announcements of the winners of the 12th annual ACCIE Awards for the Legion of Net.Heroes imprints. I'll see you all again here next year!" .....oooooOOOOO(*)OOOOOooooo..... 12th Annual RACCie Winners: RACC1. Favourite Writer: Saxon Brenton RACC2. Favourite Ongoing Series: The Continuing Misadventures of Miss Translation and Easily-Discovered Man (Tie) RACC3. Favourite Mini-Series: Cauliflower the Christmas Miracle Pooch RACC4. Favourite Arc: 'A Devil Came Down To Georgia' The Daily Super Short-Short Story #19-63 RACC5. Favourite Single Issue: 'Last Fall in the House of Usher' Easily-Discovered Man #45 RACC6. Favourite Parody/Comedy: Easily-Discovered Man RACC7. Favourite Acraphobe Offering: The Alt.Riders RACC8. Favourite Review Title: The End of Month Reviews RACC9. Favourite Story Universe: Legion of Net.Heroes RACC10. Favourite Person Who Hangs Out On RACC: Saxon Brenton RACC11. Best Flamewar: 'Should We Stop Having RACCies?' RACC12. Favourite Running Gag: Sock puns RACC13. Most Improved Author: Arthur Spitzer RACC14. Favourite New Writer: Tim Munn RACC15. Favourite New Title: The Daily Super Short-Short Story The `Spider Spins'! Little Lulu Web Page Award: Wil's Ego The Rabbit-Breeders Cup: Martin Phipps The Image Testimonial Timepiece (Batteries Not Included): Everyone .....oooooOOOOO(*)OOOOOooooo..... 13th Annual LNH ACCie Awards LNH1. Favourite Writer Finalists: Saxon Brenton, Jessica Ihimaera-Smiler, Martin Phipps, and Dave Van Domelon Winner: Saxon Brenton LNH2. Favourite Ongoing Series Finalists: The Continuing Misadventures of Miss Translation, Easily-Discovered Man, and Limp-Asparagus Lad Winner: The Continuing Misadventures of Miss Translation LNH3. Favourite Mini-Series Finalists: Bride of C'thulhu, Cauliflower the Christmas Miracle Pooch, LNH Asia: Full Throttle, and Ultimate Mercenary Winner: Cauliflower the Christmas Miracle Pooch LNH4. Favourite Arc Finalists: The Alt.Riders #27-29 (Drake/God), The Daily Super Short-Short Story #4-18 (The Garden of Party Time), and The Daily Super Short-Short Story #19-63 ('A Devil Came Down To Georgia') Winner: 'A Devil Came Down To Georgia' LNH5. Favourite Single Issue Finalists: The Alt.Riders #29 ('In God We Trust'), The Daily Super Short-Short Story #54 (TJ's history), and Easily-Discovered Man #45 ('Last Fall in the House of Usher') Winner: 'Last Fall in the House of Usher' LNH6. Favourite LNHer Finalists: Cauliflower the Christmas Miracle Pooch, Fuzzy, and Mouse Winner: Mouse LNH7. Favourite Villain Finalists: The Banjo Playing Kangaroos, Drake, The Phantom Raspberry Blower of Old Net.ropolis Towne, Tsar Chasm, and Uma Thurman Winner: Tsar Chasm LNH8. Favourite Supporting Character Finalists: Kyoko Ishikawa, Missy, and Retcon Lad Winner: Kyoko Ishikawa LNH9. Favourite New Character Finalists: Cauliflower the Christmas Miracle Pooch, Exciting Leather Stap-On Lass, and TJ Winner: Cauliflower the Christmas Miracle Pooch LNH10. Favouite Person Who Hangs Out On Alt.Comics.LNH Finalists: Saxon Brenton, Arthur Spitzer, and Dave Van Domelon Winner: Saxon Brenton LNH11. The Newbie Award [No Eligibles] The Little Johnny Sako "Come Back Giant Robot, Come Back" Loving Cup Finalists: Scott Johnson, Rob Rogers, Ken Schmidt, and Everyone Winner: Everyone (and, yes, you all get a colour glossy photograph of this award too) .....oooooOOOOO(*)OOOOOooooo..... Later, backstage, Conflicto and Pointless Awards Man II are sharing a beer together. Both have their jackets off and their ties loosened. "Looks like you got away with it for another year, man," says Eugene. "Yup, sure looks like it," agrees Jamie. "So what happens when Pointless Awards Man I finally gets out of that closet?" "Oh, probably just a fight scene." "Oh? Is that all?"