[Before the ceremony begins, black text appears on the screen as a voiceover reads it out loud.] "The opinions expressed in the following programme are those of the participants. While Low Budget Productions and Jamie Rosen endorse the participants' right to speak their minds, they refuse to be held accountable for the actions of fictional characters. Just in case." Low Budget Productions Proudly Presents... o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o RACC2k2 o o The 2002 Edition o o of the RACCies o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o Hosted by... Pointless Awards Man II! [The men, women, and others in the audience applaud politely as Pointless Awards Man II takes the stage in a very 80s looking leather-and-ruffles 'punk outfit.' A familiar uptempo piece starts to play, and PAM II... well, he doesn't quite 'sing', but he does suddenly have a British accent.] "With the Dorfs in Tok.IO, Or down in London stores to go, go, With my comics collection And my 'net connection, There's no voting for myself. "When I'm visiting websites, Trying to get characters' rights, Well we waited so long For our moderation, There's no voting for myself. "Oh voting for myself, Oh voting for myself, What would it prove If I didn't lose 'Cause I was voting for myself? "I looked all over the rack, And I still came back to RACC, But your feedback's rare Though it's mostly fair, There's no voting for myself. "So let's read another post, 'Cause it'll help us when we vote, If I had the time Revenge would be mine, And I'd be voting for myself. "Oh voting for myself, Oh voting for myself, If I had the time Revenge would be mine, If I had the time Revenge would be mine If I had the time Revenge would be mine." [Thankfully, the song ends there as the power cuts out abruptly. When the stage lights come back on, PAM II has changed into a traditional awards show tux, and is smiling much too brightly.] "Hello everyone and welcome to the 2002 RACCie Awards! We've got quite a line-up tonight, and I've been told that if we run over I will be cut into tiny pieces and fed to dogs, so without further ado, here's everyone's favourite LNH leader, the man who in high school was voted most likely to flip out and kill people -- Ultimate Ninja!" [Ultimate Ninja strides out to the podium, glaring at PAM II, who slinks nervously offstage.] "Hello. I am here to present what were once known as the Academy's Discretionary Awards, before we realized that we here at RACC had neither an Academy --" [the ASH table boos] "-- nor discretion." [Everyone nods.] "First is the "SPIDER SPINS!" LITTLE LULU WEBPAGE AWARD. Why am I shouting?" [The large screen at the back of the stage lights up and shows screen shots as Ultimate Ninja reads the list of nominees.] "The nominees are: The RACC Web interface (http://www.wilsego.com/racc/); Blue Light Productions (http://www.eyrie.org/~that/blip/blip.html); and the Legion of Net.Heroes Website (http://www.eyrie.org/~drizzt/lnh/lnh.html). And the winner is... the RACC Web interface!" [The award is given a snazzy looking graphic.] "Next we have the IMAGE TESTIMONIAL TIMEPIECE (BATTERIES NOT INCLUDED) -- for that author whose works are most consistently late. The nominees are: Saxon Brenton [CAW yells out "But he just used us four times!]; Dave Van Domelen [the ASH erupts in a mixture of boos and cheers]; and All of Us. And the winner is... All of us!" [The entire audience rises, intending to take the stage, but tisaster is averted by Ultimate Ninja's glare, which sends them all back whence they came.] "And now the Ultimate Award, in the sense that it is the last that I will be presenting -- who writes this stuff? The nominees for THE RABBIT-BREEDERS CUP -- Awarded to the most prolific author in RACC -- are: Jesse Willey; Tom Russell; and Martin Phipps. And the winner is... Martin Phipps!" [Crypt Anna sneaks onto the stage and steals the award in a very Crypt Looter fashion.] [PAM II comes out, smiling again, as Ultimate Ninja disappears into the shadows.] "Thank you very much, Ultimate Ninja! That was cool, and by cool, I mean totally sweet! Good to see that everyone is walking out of an award here tonight. "Now, up next we have a man who needs no introduction. So here he is." [The presenter comes out and takes his place at the podium.] "Thank you very much, Pointless Awards Man II -- although I would have preferred if you had chosen a different opening song, of course. Say, perhaps, 'Rebel Yell'... "The nominees for RACC 15, Favourite New Title, are: The Continuing Misadventures of Miss Translation [Starts-Arguments-For-No-Apparent-Reason Kid bickers with the Normalizer]; Exarchs [footage of the awards show staff confusedly trying to decide whether to seat them with Superguy or the LNH]; and Net.Heroes on Parade [Chatillion attempts to bargain for the award.] And the winner is... The Continuing Misadventures of Miss Translation!" [Time Waster Lad rises to accept the award, but somebody cries out "Don't let him make a speech!" and he's tackled before he can reach the stage.] "Our next award is for the Favourite New Writer. The nominees for this award are Des Davies; Andrew Perron; and Hannu RAJANIEMI. And the winner is... Andrew Perron!" [Two scantily-clad girls in wedding veils accept the award while much of the audience drools.] "Up next is RACC 13, for Most Improved Author. The nominees for this award are: Tom Russel [Chatillion continues trying to bargain for an award]; Jamie Rosen [Theory Man expounds on something to Kid Recap]; and Ted Brock [Twaeila mouths the words "Don't call me Future Girl"]. And the winner is... Jamie Rosen!" [Imagist poets take to the stage and make off with the award.] "And while you may be crying 'More, more, more', this is the last award I'll be presenting for the evening. The nominees for Favourite Running Gag are: Gamer Boy [Severl LNHers hold up bracelets with WWGBD inscribed on them]; Miss Translation's speech [Miss Translation gives a thumbs-up]; and Fake porno titles in Net.Heroes on Parade [the screen is blurred out.] And the winner is... Miss Translation's speech!" [Miss Translation takes the stage and, appropriately enough, makes a speech, to the delight and consternation of the audience.] [PAM II re-takes the stage, talking a little more quickly.] "Through the magic of computer (re)animiation, and the willingness of their estates not to take us to court, I now present to you a Perfectly Paired Pair of Presenters -- Giant Wandering Cow Kid and Cheesecake-Eater Lad!" [The two fallen LNHers take the stage, their movements slightly jerky. CEL's mouth doesn't quite match with the words he says, and his speech sounds as though it had been pasted together from individual phonemes.] "Thank you, Pointless Awards Man. Too. The nominees for RACC. E. Leven, Best Flamewar/Thread/Monkey. Are: Sig.ago is Mine! Mine! Mine! [a panoramic shot of a ruined city]; Vote for Linda Richardson in the RACCies [Ryan Richardson shakes his head resignedly]; and Multiple Lagnetos [Multiple Lagnetos applaud themselves and each other.] And. The winner is... Sig.ago is Mine! Mine! Mine!" "Moo." [The award is placed into a padded envelope addressed "Ruins of Sig.ago" and handed to the friendly neighbourhood postal worker.] "Moo." "Up! Next is RACC 10, for Favourite Person Who Hangs Out on RACC. The nominees are: Saxon Brenton; Jamie Rosen; and Dave van Domelen. And the winner is... Saxon Brenton!" [An eyepatch-bedecked Limp-Asparagus Lad sombrely accepts the award from his fallen comrades.] "Next is the award for Favourite Story Universe. The nominees are: the LNH [many tables hoot and holler rudely]; Omega [a single table nods grimly]; and ASH [a couple of tables applaud.] And the winner is... the LNH! We'll just keep this award." "Moo." "Ha. Ha. You got that right. The next award is RACC ate, for Favourite Review Title. The nominees are: Review THIS, by Michael Friedman; Re:Views, by Jamie Rosen; and Reviews Special, by Martin Phipps. And the winner of RACC ate is... Re:Views, by Jamie Rosen!" [A ghostly hand descends from the ceiling and plucks the award from the podium. "Thank you."] [Cheesecake Eater Lad and Giant Wandering Cow Kid's images then break up and dissolve in traditional failed-computer-graphics fashion. PAM II comes out from backstage once more.] "Come on, guys. Try to liven up a little. Ha ha ha." "Now, because a certain... someone... couldn't make it to the show on time, I'll be presenting the next four awards. The first one is RACC Seven, Favourite Adult/Acraphobe Offering. The nominees for this award are: Scions [a table of college-age Omegas pat each other on the back]; Lagneto Saga [Lagneto looks on intently]; and Net.Heroes on Parade [Chatillion is *still* trying to bargain for an award.] And the winner is... Chatillion! I mean, Net.Heroes on Parade!" [Chatillion mounts the stage, accepts the award with a flourish, and departs again.] "Up next is RACC Six, Favourite Paroday/Comedy. The nominees for this award are: Easily-Discovered Man [EDMLite is too busy ogling the various lovelies in attendance to notice the nomination]; Digital Jump! [Kid Enthusiastic is... enthusiastic]; and The Continuing Misadventures of Miss Translation [Miss Translation smiles and applauds herself.] And the winner is... Easily-Discovered Man!" [Easily-Discovered Man mounts the stairs to the stage and accepts the award, but the microphone has been turned off.] "Up next is the very prestigious RACC Five, for Favourite Single Issue. The nominees are: Easily-Discovered Man #44 [EDMLite shouts "It wasn't me, it was the one-armed man!"]; CSV #23 [Conflicto shouts "It wasn't the one-armed man, it was me!"]; Miss Translation #3 [Miss Translation shouts "It was not I, it was the in-armed man!"]; and Net.Heroes on Parade #17 [nobody shouts anything, actually.] And the winner is... Easily-Discovered Man #33!" [Easily-Discovered Man mounts the stairs to the stage and accepts the award with his free hand.] "And now we have RACC Four, for Favourite Arc." [The large screen behind PAM II runs clips from the various issues as the list is read.] "The nominees for this award are: City of Lights (ASH #37-40); Villain's Apprentice (CSV #22-??); Names (CSV #18-19); and Net.Heroes on Parade #13-17. And the winner is... City of Lights!" [Scorch rises to accept the award, but PAM II gets nervous and just tosses it to him.] "Uh.... and now, our final presenter of the evening. Let's hear it for Kid Recap!" [Kid Recap comes out on stage as PAM II runs to the back.] "Thank you very much, Pointless Awards Man II, for having just turned the stage over to me. First, I'd like to let you all know about some awards that were presented earlier in the evening, the LNH-specific ACCies, and the Omega-specific Dark Paranoiaccies." [The monitors behind him list the following: OM5 -- FAVOURITE HERO: The Eye -- Defcon Omega version OM4 -- FAVOURITE SINGLE ISSUE: Paint Crew Special OM3 -- FAVOURITE ARC: Defcon Omega OM2 -- FAVOURITE ONGOING SERIES: Scions OM1 -- FAVOURITE WRITER: Marc Singer THE JOHNNY SAKO "COME BACK GIANT ROBOT, COME BACK" LOVING CUP -- for the LNHer that is most sorely missed: Paul Hardy LNH 11 -- THE NEWBIE AWARD: Andrew Perron LNH 10 -- FAVOURITE PERSON WHO HANGS OUT ON A.C.LNH: Looniversal Answering Machine LNH 9 -- FAVOURITE NEW CHARACTER: Miss Translation LNH 8 -- FAVOURITE SUPPORTING CHARACTER: Time-Waster Lad LNH 7 -- FAVOURITE VILLAIN: Lagneto LNH 6 -- FAVOURITE LNHer: Easily-Discovered Man LNH 5 -- FAVOURITE SINGLE ISSUE: Easily-Discovered Man #44 LNH 4 -- FAVOURITE ARC: untitled alien invasion [Miss Translation #1-2] LNH 3 -- FAVOURITE MINI-SERIES: Flame Wars IV LNH 2 -- FAVOURITE ONGOING SERIES: The Continuing Misadventures of Miss Translation LNH 1 -- FAVOURITE WRITER: Saxon Brenton] "And now, the final three awards of the evening. RACC 3 is presented to the Favourite Mini-Series. The nominees are: Flame Wars 4; Defcon Omega; and Lagneto Saga. And the winner is... Flame Wars 4!" [Cannon Fodder accepts the award, a sombre look on his face.] "RACC 2 is for the Favourite Ongoing Series. The nominees are: Easily-Discovered Man; ASH; and Miss Translation. And the winner is... Easily-Discovered Man!" [Easily-Discovered Man mounts the stage, and Kid Recap balances the award on top of the others.] "Finally, the most sought-after award in all of net.dom. Are at least RACC. Maybe. RACC 1 is presented to that author judged to be our Favourite Writer for the year. The nominees are: Dave van Domelen [people from a few different imprints cheer]; Saxon Brenton [a smaller coterie cheers even more wildly]; and Marc Singer [people at the Omega table blink, surprised, then burst into applause.] And the winner is... Saxon Brenton!" [Limp-Asparagus Lad moves to accept the award, but CAW comes from out of nowhere and crashes through the stage, grabbing the award on the way down.] "Well, that's it for this year. Since PAM II fled the scene earlier in the ceremony, it devolves to me to thank you all for coming, and remind you to be sure to vote next year!" [THE "SPIDER SPINS!" LITTLE LULU WEBPAGE AWARD Winner: The RACC Web Interface -- http://www.wilsego.com/racc/ THE IMAGE TESTIMONIAL TIMEPIECE (BATTERIES NOT INCLUDED) Winner: All of us THE RABBIT-BREEDERS CUP Winner: Martin Phipps RACC15 FAVORITE NEW TITLE Winner: The Continuing Misadventures of Miss Translation [LNH] RACC14 FAVORITE NEW WRITER Winner: Andrew Perron RACC13 MOST IMPROVED AUTHOR Winner: Jamie Rosen RACC12 FAVORITE RUNNING GAG Winner: Miss Translation's speech RACC11 BEST FLAMEWAR Winner: "Sig.ago is Mine! Mine! Mine!" RACC10 FAVORITE PERSON WHO HANGS OUT ON RACC Winner: Saxon Brenton RACC9 FAVORITE STORY UNIVERSE Winner: LNH RACC8 FAVORITE REVIEW TITLE Winner: Re:Views RACC7 FAVORITE ACRAPHOBE/ADULT TITLE Winner: Net.Heroes on Parade [LNH] RACC6 FAVORITE PARODY/COMEDY Winner: Easily-Discovered Man [LNH] RACC5 FAVORITE SINGLE ISSUE Winner: Easily-Discovered Man #33 [LNH] RACC4 FAVORITE ARC Winner: City of Lights [ASH] RACC3 FAVORITE MINI-SERIES Winner: Flame Wars 4 [LNH] RACC2 FAVORITE ONGOING SERIES Winner: Easily-Discovered Man [LNH] RACC1 FAVORITE WRITER Winner: Saxon Brenton [Fade to black.]