[Before the ceremony begins, black text appears on the screen as a
voiceover reads it out loud.]
"The opinions expressed in the following programme are those of the
participants. While Low Budget Productions and Jamie Rosen endorse
the participants' right to speak their minds, they refuse to be held
accountable for the actions of fictional characters. Just in case."
Low Budget Productions Proudly Presents...
o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o
o RACC2k1 o
o The 2001 Edition o
o of the RACCies o
o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o
Hosted by... Pointless Awards Man II!
With special musical guest... The Sidekickz!
[The screen then fades to an unlit stage. A spotlight appears, and slowly,
a sad-looking Pointless Awards Man II walks out to stage, with a microphone
in hand. He seems to be... singing.]
"People... People who read net.comics... Are the luckiest people..."
[His voice is quickly drowned out by boos and more than one threat upon
his life. Suddenly, a giant cane yanks PAM II offstage, and the spotlight
dims. Over the PA, a voice makes an announcement.]
"Ladies and gentlemen... The Sidekickz!"
[The curtains jerk back as the crowd cheers wildly, and shocking amounts
of pyrotechnics go off on stage as the Sidekickz pose. Then, as the smoke
starts to drift away and the crowd seems on the verge of settling down, a
relentless pop beat comes in, and The Sidekickz begin their performance
in unison.]
"Been so long since I've seen your face, girl,
I feel like I've been stuck in the Dvandom Zone.
But now that I'm back from outer space --
I'm gonna make you a Token Girl of my own!"
[Justin Justice strides to the middle of the stage, and sings in a
falsetto voice.]
"I can't believe that Ryyy-an Richardson
was nominated as his mo-ah-ah-ah-om."
[Manchild then interjects, his voice rich with bass.]
"But once we got that mess cleared up,
everyone knew who the posts were coming from."
[The group then repeats the chorus, before Loverboy II takes centre stage
with a delivery reminiscent of Barry White.]
"Darling, I tell you -- I don't know anything
about this wantsome@viagra.com guy. I've never heard of him.
And now I'm begging you, darling, I'm down on my knees."
[Indeed he is.]
"Come back, giant robot, come back."
[To which +H Lad adds.]
"Won't you please come back?"
[Time for Badboy, swaggering and strutting like a rooster in a leather jacket.
Dig his rhymes, yo'.]
"You and me, girl, we've had our troubles
before, but this is after.
And I tell you now, there ain't no doubt
You're my favourite supporting cha-rac-ter!"
[Everybody!]
"Been so long since I've seen your face, girl,
I feel like I've been stuck in the Dvandom Zone.
But now that I'm back from outer space --
I'm gonna make you a Token Girl of my own!"
[Yeah! The audience explodes -- well, not literally -- as the Sidekickz
pose once more, then bow. Pointless Awards Man II returns to the stage,
clapping with both pairs of hands and looking much happier, as the curtain
closes on the world's first Net.hero boyband.]
"Wow! Wasn't that great? Let's hear it for the Sidekickz! I'm more of a
Tony Ben.net man, myself, but that was great!"
[PAM II stops clapping.]
"Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the 2001 RACCie Awards! I'm your emerald
emcee, Pointless Awards Man II, filling in for the still-mysteriously-
absent-but-definitely-not-locked-in-a-utility-closet Pointless Awards Man.
We've got quite a line-up tonight, I see that Marlo Vivo is in the
audience... or at least, she was a second ago. We had to throw the Second
Chance Squad out for their rowdiness, but I believe we're going to give them
another shot. And I think I see Swordsman and Tempest over there -- ha ha
ha, just kidding, folks. Anywho, here to present the Academy's discretionary
awards -- and I don't mean ASH -- is a man who needs no introduction, so I
won't give him one."
[Pointless Awards Man II exits stage right as the Ultimate Ninja strides
on stage.]
"Thank you, Pointless Awards Man II. *ahem* Tonight, I have the...
honour... of presenting the first three RACCies of the evening, starting
with the lengthily-titled "SPIDER SPINS" LITTLE LULU WEBPAGE AWARD. The
nominees are... the Google USENET Archive" [a shot of the nosebleed section,
where a number of fans hold aloft a sign that reads "Goooooooooooooooogle"]
"... Dave Van Domelen's ASH Webpage" [a mysterious cloaked figure looks up
from performing a tarot reading] "... and the RACC archive at
www.eyrie.org." [a majestic eagle, looking studious sporting a pair of
bifocals, is busy filing away manuscripts] "And the winner is... the RACC
archive!"
[The eagle swoops in from the rafters, grabs the award in its talons,
and swoops out again.]
"The second award tonight is the IMAGE TESTIMONIAL TIMEPIECE (BATTERIES
NOT INCLUDED), for the author whose works are most consistently late. It
seems a little tragic that the name of this award is still so apt -- but a
ninja does not cry. The nominees for this award are... Scavenger" [a shot
of an empty chair that is piled two inches high with dust] "... Jessica
Ihimaera-Smiler" [Writer's Block Woman waves enthusiastically to the
camera, almost blinding the viewing audience with her dress] "... and
Everyone but Jesse Willey." [a shot of the entire hall, with one man's face
blurred out] "And the winner is... Everyone but Jesse Willey!"
[The entire audience -- but one -- moves to rush the stage, but Ultimate
Ninja brandishes a katana at them, holding them back.]
"We'll just hang onto this one for the moment."
"The ultimate award for me this evening is the RABBIT-BREEDERS CUP. This
award is given for the most prolific author in this..." [The crowd shouts
"or any", then dissolves into laughter] "... forum. The nominees for this
prestigious award are Jesse Willey" [the Team cheers, alongside innumerable
others] "... Tom Russell" [a young man films a movie] "... and Martin
Phipps." [Deja Dude applauds politely] "And the winner is... Jesse Willey!"
[The Team trips over each other to get the award.]
"Now, I must get back to the LNHHQ. Something is no doubt about to
happen."
[The Ultimate Ninja disappears into the shadows as Pointless Awards Man II
reenters the stage.]
"I'd like to thank Ultimate Ninja for not flipping out and totally killing
everybody."
"Our next presenter is like a stream of bat's piss -- he stands out like a
shaft of gold when all around is dark. Please welcome Beacon!"
[An aging man in a wheelchair rolls out to the podium, which has been
lowered so that he can reach the microphone.]
"Thank you, Pointless Awards Man II, but it's just Harry Parker, now."
[PAM II shrugs and wanders off-stage, leaving Harry Parker alone.]
"Every year, the frost of winter thaws, and new buds begin to bloom into
beautiful blossoms." [He pauses, apparently aghast at the ample
alliteration.] "Similarly, each new year brings new stories to RACC, and it
is to honour those titles that the award for FAVORITE NEW TITLE is given.
This year's nominees are... Trux and Spite Grrrl Go Hollywood!" [a stuffed
raccoon and someone who looks like Gwen Stefani wave to the camera, and
UPN lawyers immediately start to write up a lawsuit] "... Anarchronistic
Man" [Anachronistic Man shouts "That's not how you spell my name!!!"] "... and
Cute Anna, Crypt Looter." [Ku Lang stops trying to explain the mechanics of
the Fourth Wall to Innocent Looking Guy just long enough to acknowledge the
camera] "And the winner is... Trux and Spite Grrrl Go Hollywood!!"
[The intrepid duo mount the stage, but before they can begin their speech,
they are slapped with a gag order by the aforementioned UPN lawyers.]
"Much like new titles, each year brings us new authors. Once, these
appearances tended to coincide with the start of a new schoolyear. Now,
they just happen, willy-nilly. Kids these days..." [Harry trails off, then
suddenly returns to the task at hand. "The nominees for FAVORITE NEW WRITER
are... Rikk" [Rikk gives the camera a thumbs up "... Jochem Vandersteem"
[a former supervillain takes time to point out the evils of tobacco companies
to a superhero] "... and Linda -- er, Ryan Richardson." [A pleased-looking
mother waves to the crowd while a writer buries his face in his hands.] "And
the winner is... Ryan Richardson!"
[Ryan mounts the stage, but the crowd chants "We want Linda! We want
Linda!" until his mother joins him. They wave to the crowd, and return to
their seats.]
"Then there are the writers who, though not new, deserve recognition for
the marked improvement in their abilities. This year, the nominees for
MOST IMPROVED AUTHOR are... Jesse Willey" [The Team again, this time
forming a human pyramid] "... Michael Friedman" [Spite Grrrl tosses Trux
in the air, but forgets to catch him] "... and Tom Russell." [there's that
guy with the camera again] "And the winner is... Michael Friedman!"
[Spite Grrrl accepts the award while Trux bears his fangs -- well, as much
as a stuffed raccoon can -- at the lawyers. Unfortunately, somebody forgot
to turn on Spite Grrrl's mic, not that she notices.]
"My final task this evening is to present the award for FAVORITE RUNNING
GAG. There were some perennial contenders and some young upstarts
challenging for this award, but the final nominees are... The NTB is alive"
[chorus of "Yeah, right" countered by one "It is! Honest!"] "... Mr.
Paprika" [cut to PAM II drinking a Dr. Paprika, then doing a spit take and
looking at the can in confusion] "and The Church of the Fourth Wall."
[exterior shot of the hall, where Father Brown is walking around in a
sandwich board that claims The End Is Nigh.] "And the winner is... Mr.
Paprika!"
[We hear the sound of untold soda cans opening, followed by gags, retches,
and refreshed 'ahs', and finally a chorus of "It's a #*@$'s pop!"]
"Thank you for your time."
[Harry Parker wheels his way off the stage as Pointless Awards Man II
returns.]
"I'd say his bulb hasn't dimmed one bit, ha ha ha. Our next presenter may
have died alongside the rest of his universe, but that won't stop him from
doing a terrific job tonight -- ladies and gentlemen, please welcome Skint!"
[A smattering of applause greets the solitary hero, alongside several
murmurs of "Who's he?" When he arrives at the podium, Skint checks his watch
and thinks. Offstage, PAM II hoarsely whispers "You're on."]
"Thank you for that kind reception. Much like the Devouring, a flamewar
can destroy everything in its path. Unlike the Devouring, however, it can
also win an award. The nominees for BEST THREAD/FLAMEWAR are... "The State
of Sig.ago and the nature of the fanboy relationship/Sig.ago has been
destroyed, please don't use it"" [a shot of a smoldering crater where
Sig.ago once stood, rapidly intercut with a shot of the still-standing
Sig.ago] "... and "I don't need to go to college"." [Without turning from
his camera equipment, Tom Russell shouts "I don't!"] "And the winner is...
"The state of Sig.ago and the nature of the fanboy relationship/Sig.ago has
been destroyed, please don't use it.""
[The award is packed into a box and mailed to Sig.ago. Or not.] "It
figures they'd have me give that out."
"The next award is for FAVORITE PERSON WHO HANGS OUT ON RACC. Sadly, no
one shall ever 'hang out' in my world again. The nominees are... Jessica
Ihimaera-Smiler" [Writer's Block Woman waves again, and this time the
camera wisely doesn't stray below her neck] "... Saxon Brenton" [the Answer
Maniac almost reveals the winner ahead of time, only to have a hand
slapped over his mouth by wReamicus Maximus] "... and Rob Rogers." [the camera
pans the audience, but EDMLite is nowhere to be seen] "And the winner
is... Saxon Brenton!"
[The Answer Maniac strides to the stage, takes the award, and, smilling
kindly, says "I could have told you that." Meanwhile, a camera man is fired.]
"Had my universe not been snuffed out like a candle, it might one day have
been eligible for the FAVORITE STORY UNIVERSE award. Perhaps, in some other
world, it is. But here, the nominees are... the LNH" [the camera pans across
well over half of the assembled characters] "... ASH" [Conflicto gives the
camera a thumbs up, just because his name is so cool] "... and Omega."
[a shot of an empty table, with a placard that says 'Be back soon'.] "And
the winner is... the LNH!"
[Mini-awards are air-dropped over the entire LNH contingent.]
[Skint checks his watch.]
"A writer without readers is like a man without a home. The nominees for
FAVORITE REVIEW TITLE are... Re:Views" [a shot of the backstage area shows
a producer hastily trying to cover his face] "... and Tales of Irrelevancy."
[Tom continues to film] "The winner is... Re:Views!"
[Still covering his face, the producer runs quickly across the stage,
grabbing the award without stopping.]
[Wordlessly, Skint walks offstage. Pointless Awards Man II wanders out
casually.]
"Hey, Skint, you wanna get a burger after the show? No one deserves to
dine alone."
[The audience groans.]
"Earlier today, the LNH handed out their own awards, affectionately known
as the ACCies. Here are the results."
[The following text scrolls across the screen:
THE JOHNNY SAKO "COME BACK GIANT ROBOT, COME BACK" LOVING CUP
Nominees: Everyone, Particle Man, Jessica Ihimaera-Smiler
Winner: Everyone
LNH11 THE NEWBIE AWARD
Nominees: Ryan Richardson
Winner: Ryan Richardson
LNH10 FAVORITE PERSON WHO HANGS OUT ON A.C.LNH
Nominees: The Looniversal Answering Machine, wantsome@viagra.com
Winner: The Looniversal Answering Machine
LNH9 FAVORITE NEW CHARACTER
Nominees: High Concept, Trux, the Parenthetical Person (from IIIL)
Winner: The Parenthetical Person
LNH8 FAVORITE SUPPORTING CHARACTER
Nominees: The Guy who fixes the Mr. Paprika machine when it's broken,
the Parenthetical Person, Fred the Receptionist
Winner: Fred the Receptionist
LNH7 FAVORITE VILLAIN
Nominees: Acton Lord, High Concept, Tsar Chasm
Winner: Tsar Chasm
LNH6 FAVORITE LNHer
Nominees: Ultimate Ninja, Easily Discovered Man Lite, Writer's Block
Woman
Winner: Ultimate Ninja
LNH5 FAVORITE SINGLE ISSUE
Nominees: Acton Lord #0, Limp-Asparagus Lad #44, Birth of a Villain #38
(epilogue)
Winner: Limp-Asparagus Lad #44
LNH4 FAVORITE ARC
Nominees: Birth of a Villain #26-39, The Team #28-32: the Return of
Ominous
Winner: Birth of a Villain #26-39
LNH3 FAVORITE MINI-SERIES
Nominees: Elf Millenium, Invisible-Intangible-Inaudible Lass, Sidekickz
Winner: Invisible-Intangible-Inaudible Lass
LNH2 FAVORITE ONGOING SERIES
Nominees: Limp-Asparagus Lad, Journey into Irrelevancy, Trux and Spite
Grrrl Go Hollywood!
Winner: Limp-Asparagus Lad
LNH1 FAVORITE WRITER
Nominees: Saxon Brenton, Rob Rogers, Dave Van Domelen
Winner: Rob Rogers]
"Anywho, our next presenter is... Pointless Awards Man? How could he have
gotten free?"
[PAM II starts looking desperately around. There is the sound of cue cards
rustling, and something catches his attention.]
"II? Oh! Pointless Awards Man II! That's me! Of course, I'm the one that's
presenting these awards! Yeah, that's the ticket."
"Some stories you just can't tell without going into sticky territory --
and other stories, you just want to show off all the new swear words you
learned! Either type is eligible for the FAVORITE ACRAPHOBE/ADULT OFFERING,
but only these made it to the finals... The Team" [the Team cheers, much
as they did before] "... Pearly White" [Pearly White and Floating Head Boy
smile for the photographers] "... and Capstone." [Lorenzo Archangeli bellows
"I am a god, I must win!"] "And the winner is... The Team!"
[Lorenzo Archangeli bellows with rage and sends the Team to Nantucket.]
"Uh, okay. They say he who laughs last laughs best, but he who laughs
often votes for the FAVORITE PARODY/COMEDY award! The nominees are...
Journey Into Irrelevancy" [Bryce Banner snarls. "What're you lookin' at?"]
"... Pearly White" [Pearly White and Floating Head Boy are still smiling]
"... and Limp-Asparagus Lad." [nobody finds the announcement dramatic] "And
the winner is... Limp-Asparagus Lad!"
[Limp-Asparagus Lad mounts the stage, and most of the viewers change the
channel.]
"I think the FAVORITE SINGLE ISSUE award speaks for itself, but maybe
that's just the cold medication I took before the show. Remember, kids,
never accept decongestants from Archer Sloane. The nominees are...
Invisible-Intangible-Inaudible Lass #4" [a young woman nobody can see says
something nobody can hear] "... Acton Lord #0" [Acton Lord glowers at the
camera] "... and Limp-Asparagus Lad #44." [there is a polite smattering of
disinterested applause for L-AL, who hasn't quite gotten back to his seat yet]
"And the winner is... Limp-Asparagus Lad #44!"
[Limp-Asparagus Lad turns around and comes back to the satge as those people
who had just returned from channel surfing resume again.]
"This is the last one before I hand it over to someone better-paid but
not as handsome, folks. The nominees for FAVORITE ARC -- that is to say, a
multi-issue storyline that is not a miniseries -- are... Birth of a
Villain #26-39" [untold Melissas, a zombie ex-president, and members of
the Order of St. Doomas high five] "... The Pyramid Scheme" [Lorenzo
Archangeli bellows "I am a god, I must win this time!"] "... and the Team
#28-32: the Return of Ominous" [the camera catches Ominous returning to
the table from the washroom] "And the winner is... Birth of a Villain
#26-39!"
[All the myriad characters begin to sing "We Are the Champions" in a
chaotic round, only to have Lorenzo Archangeli send them all to Peoria.]
"Well, folks, I'll catch you after the final awards are handed out. Now,
to take us down the home stretch, here's a man with a master plan -- except
he isn't a man! Please welcome Squid Rock!"
[A tentacled, eldritch horror makes its way on stage.]
"Quit playing games with my heart. The nominees for FAVORITE MINI-SERIES
are... Beacon" [a shot of Harry Parker presenting an award earlier in the
show] "... and Capstone." [Lorenzo Archangeli bellows "I am a god, I must
win sooner or later! Right?"] "And the winner is... Capstone!"
[Lorenzo Archangeli reflexively banishes himself to Albuquerque.]
"You can't always get what you want. The nominees for FAVORITE ONGOING
SERIES -- as billed, not implemented -- are... Limp-Asparagus Lad" [L-AL
sighs] "... Journey into Irrelevancy" [Bryce Banner gives the camera the
evil eye] "... and Trux and Spite Grrrl Go Hollywood!" [In an ill-advised
attempt at a humourous reversal, Trux tries to throw Spite Grrrl in the air]
"And the winner is... Limp-Asparagus Lad!"
[Limp-Asparagus Lad climbs the stairs again, and the viewing audience
discovers that the battery for every remote control in the country has gone
dead. Unable to remember how to get up to change the channel, their eyes
glaze over -- even more than usual -- as L-AL gives his acceptance speech.]
"You saved the best for last. The nominees for FAVORITE WRITER are...
Dave Van Domelen" [the ASH table bursts into applause] "... Saxon Brenton"
[from Peoria, the sound of cheering can be heard] "... and Rob Rogers."
[this time, EDMLite is front and centre in the shot, permanently burning his
image into the camera] "And the winner is... Rob Rogers!"
[EDMLite climbs the stage, starts to say something, stops, and instead
moons the audience before running back to the safety of his table.]
[Squid Rock waves his tentacles in a manner that is either menacing or
saying goodbye.]
"Baby bye-bye-bye."
[Pointless Awards Man II retakes the stage as the shambling monstrosity
leaves.]
"Thanks a lot, Mr. Rock."
"Well, folks, that brings us to the end of another year of RACCeteering.
We had some laughs, some tears, some Mr. Paprika, but the most important
thing is the memories."
[PAM II bursts into song once more.]
"Thaaaaaanks... for the memories..."
[The giant cane makes its welcome return, as do the Sidekickz, this time
in one of those sitting-on-a-bench, be-impressed-we're-showing-we-can-sing
moments. As they sing, the results scroll over the screen.]
"Oh, we've fought off monsters... and their hordes...
But nothing's harder than winning awards.
So please don't feel bad if you didn't win.
Jethro Tull won a Grammy, what's happened to him?
We had our laughs, we had our fun,
saw awards presented by a man named Beacon.
And don't forget the green-skinned P A M.
Ultimate Ninja & Skint -- what's up with them?
Not everyone can win, but everyone can enjoy
a glass of Mr. Paprika, be you girl or boy.
And we'd like to thank them for giving us that money,
we need endorsements to live, we're just not that funny.
Now at the end of this little 'do,
We're sending out two major messages... to you:
Please do not drive if you're inebriated,
and how did Omega get nominated?"
[THE "SPIDER SPINS!" LITTLE LULU WEBPAGE AWARD
Winner: The RACC archive at www.eyrie.org
THE IMAGE TESTIMONIAL TIMEPIECE (BATTERIES NOT INCLUDED)
Winner: Everyone but Jesse Willey
THE RABBIT-BREEDERS CUP
Winner: Jesse Willey
RACC15 FAVORITE NEW TITLE
Winner: Trux and Spite Grrrl Go Hollywood!
RACC14 FAVORITE NEW WRITER
Winner: Ryan Richardson
RACC13 MOST IMPROVED AUTHOR
Winner: Michael Friedman
RACC12 FAVORITE RUNNING GAG
Winner: Mr. Paprika
RACC11 BEST FLAMEWAR
Winner: The State of Sig.ago etc. etc
RACC10 FAVORITE PERSON WHO HANGS OUT ON RACC
Winner: Saxon Brenton
RACC9 FAVORITE STORY UNIVERSE
Winner: LNH
RACC8 FAVORITE REVIEW TITLE
Winner: Re:Views
RACC7 FAVORITE ACRAPHOBE/ADULT TITLE
Winner: The Team
RACC6 FAVORITE PARODY/COMEDY
Winner: Limp-Asparagus Lad
RACC5 FAVORITE SINGLE ISSUE
Winner: Limp-Asparagus Lad #44
RACC4 FAVORITE ARC
Winner: Birth of a Villani #26-39
RACC3 FAVORITE MINI-SERIES
Winner: Capstone
RACC2 FAVORITE ONGOING SERIES
Winner: Limp-Asparagus Lad
RACC1 FAVORITE WRITER
Winner: Rob Rogers]
[Fade to black.]