Definitive Collection of Lightbulb Jokes So Far Known

Note: These are light bulb jokes I found or have been sent to me. I take no responsibility for any humour you may derive from them.

Q: How many independent wives take it take to change a light bulb.

A: Only one however it will take her several hours  because while she has the 
ladder up she will have to wash glass cover in the light fitting and then dust the 
cupboard tops because they can be seen from there and if there is time also paint 
the ceiling.
[Based on a true story.]

Q: How many politicians does it take to change a lightbulb? 
A: Since they rarely change anything without first appointing a study committee,  
it can take anywhere from between six (6) to twelve (12) politicians to change a 
lightbulb.

Q:  How many Dell Tech Support people does it take to change a lightbulb?
A:  Ring-ring  ring-ring  Ring-ring  ring-ring  Ring-ring  ring-ring 
Ring-ring  ring-ring  Ring-ring  ring-ring  Ring-ring  ring-ring  Ring-ring 
ring-ring  Ring-ring  ring-ring  Ring-ring  ring-ring  Ring-ring  ring-ring 
Ring-ring  ring-ring  Ring-ring  ring-ring  Ring-ring  ring-ring  Ring-ring 
ring-ring  Ring-ring  ring-ring  Ring-ring  ring-ring.....

Q: How many college football players does it take to change a light 
bulb?
A: The entire team! And they all get a semester's credit for it!

Q: How many thought police does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: None.... There never *was* any light bulb, don't you remember?

Q: How many feminists does it take to change a light bulb?
A: That's not funny!

Q: How many cops does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: None. It turns itself in.

Q: How many doctors does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Three: One to find a bulb specialist, one to find a bulb installation 
specialist, and one to bill it all to Medicare.

Q: How many Marxists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: None: The light bulb contains the seeds of its own revolution.

Q: How many nuclear engineers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Seven: One to install the new bulb, and six to figure what to do with 
the old one for the next 10,000 years.

Q: How many consultants does it take to change a light bulb?
A: I'll have an estimate for you a week from Monday.

Q: How many brewers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: One-third less than for a regular bulb.

Q: How many mystery writers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Two: One to screw it almost all the way in and the other to give it 
a surprising twist at the end.

Q: How many existentialists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Two: One to screw it in and one to observe how the light bulb itself 
symbolizes a single incandescent beacon of subjective reality in 
a netherworld of endless absurdity reaching out toward a cosmos of 
nothingness.

Q: How many Orthodox Rabbis does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Change?


Q: How many women with PMS does it take to change a light bulb?
A: One. Only ONE!! And do you know WHY it only takes ONE? Because no one 
else in this house knows HOW to change a light bulb. They don't even 
know the bulb is BURNED OUT. They would sit in this house in the 
dark for THREE DAYS before they figured it OUT. And once they figured it 
out they wouldn't be able to find the light bulbs despite the fact 
that they've been in the SAME CUPBOARD for the past SEVENTEEN YEARS. But 
if they did, by some miracle, actually find the light bulbs, TWO DAYS 
LATER the chair that they dragged from two rooms over to stand on 
to change the STUPID light bulb would STILL BE IN THE SAME SPOT!! AND 
UNDERNEATH IT WOULD BE THE CRUMPLED WRAPPER THE STUPID @*!#$% LIGHT 
BULBS CAME IN! WHY?! BECAUSE NO ONE IN THIS HOUSE EVER CARRIES OUT 
THE GARBAGE!! IT'S A WONDER WE HAVEN'T ALL SUFFOCATED FROM THE PILES 
OF GARBAGE THAT ARE 12 FEET DEEP THROUGHOUT THE ENTIRE HOUSE. THE 
HOUSE!! IT WOULD TAKE AN ARMY TO CLEAN THIS... I'm sorry...what did 
you ask me?


How many Christians does it take to change a light bulb?
Charismatic: Only one. Hands already in the air.
Pentecostal: Ten. One to change the bulb, and nine to pray against 
spirit of darkness.
Presbyterians: None. Lights will go on and off at predestined times.
Roman Catholic: None. Candles only.
Baptists: At least 15. One to change the light bulb, and three 
committees to approve the change and decide who brings the potato salad 
and fried chicken.
Episcopalians: Three. One to call the electrician, one to mix the 
drinks, and one to talk about how much better the old one was.
Methodists: Undetermined. Whether your light is bright, dull, or 
completely out, you are loved. You can be a light bulb, turnip bulb, or 
tulip bulb. Church-wide lighting service is planned for Sunday. Bring 
bulb of your choice and a covered dish.
Nazarene: Six. One woman to replace the bulb while five men review 
church lighting policy.
Lutherans: None. Lutherans don't believe in change.
Amish: What's a light bulb?


Q: How many managers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: We've formed a task force to study the problem of why light bulbs 
burn out and to figure out what, exactly, we as supervisors can do to 
make the bulbs work smarter, not harder.

Q: How many shipping department personnel does it take to change a light 
bulb?
A: We can change the light bulb in seven to ten working days, but if you 
call before 2 p.m. and pay an extra $15, we can get the bulb changed 
overnight.

Q: How many Management Information Services guys does it take to change 
a light bulb?
A: MIS (IT) has received your request concerning your hardware problem 
and has assigned you request number 359712. Please use this number for 
any future references to the light-bulb issue.


Q:  How many divorce lawyers does it take to change a lightbulb?

A:  3 - one to argue for the rights of the old lightbulb, one to argue 
for the rights of the new lightbulb, and one to argue for the rights of 
the light socket


Q.      How many Socialist Workers Party members does it take to change 
a lightbulb.
A.      Four. One to change the bulb, one to write about it for "the 
paper", one to sell you "the paper" and another to follow you home and 
ask why you weren't at the bulb changing, if you plan to make the next 
one and if you were still as committed.

Q.      How many historians does it take to change a lightbulb?
A.      I dunno - not my period.

Q.      How many revisionist historians does it take to change a 
lightbulb?
A.      In actual fact, against popular consensus, the lightbulb was 
never actually changed.

Q.      How many cultural historians does it take to change a lightbulb?
A.      I am less interested in the lightbulb than the discourses
surrounding the changing.

Q.      How many art historians does it take to change a lightbulb.
A.      11. One to change the lightbulb, and 5 to show earlier versions 
that influenced it, and 5 to say that the changing was actually done by 
the changers apprentice.

Q.      How many Scottish historians does it take to change a lightbulb.
A.      All of them, because they are sick of living under the shadow of
England for so long.


Q: How many singer-songwriters does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: One.  They hold the bulb and the world revolves around them.

Q: how many ska kids does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: 6, one to drop it and 5 to pick it up! pick it up! pick it up!


Q: How many senior Presidential Aides does it take to change a light 
bulb?

A: None. They're supposed to keep the President in the dark.

A' : One: to award a billion dollar sole-source contract with
Halliburton to replace it.

A'': thirty-eight: One to say that no one could have foreseen the bulb's
burning out, one to spin stories for newspapers that the President's
bulb-changing program is working well, and thirty-five to go out on talk
shows to accuse the Democrats of being weak on light, and one to deny
rumors that it's still dark in there.

A''': sixty: thirty to bribe staffers to write letters telling everyone
how wonderful it is to sit in the dark, and thirty more to bribe
newspaper editors to publish those letters.

A'''': The Administration will defend its policy of warrant-less
surveillance of all Americans suspected of supporting foreign terrorist
bulbs entering this country.

Q. How many voyeurs does it take to change a lightbulb?
A. Only one, but they'd much rather watch someone else do it.

Q: How many Yemenites does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Only one, but it must be a Yemenite lightbulb.

Q: How many customer service representatives does it take to change a
lightbulb?
A: 5.  One to incorrectly diagnose the problem, 2 to repeat the first 
rep's notes to the customer, and one to inform the customer that the 
lightbulb changing service is no longer available in that location.

Q: How many Palistinians does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: 2.  One to negotiate with the old bulb and one to shoot at it at the 
same time.

Q. How Many Dogs Does It Take to Change A Light Bulb?
A1. Golden Retriever: The sun is shining, the day is young, we've got our
whole lives ahead of us, and you're inside worrying about a stupid
burned out bulb?
A2. Border Collie: Just one. And then I'll replace any wiring that's not
up to code.
A3. Dachshund: You know I can't reach that stupid lamp!
A4. Rottweiler: Make me.
A5. Boxer: Who cares? I can still play with my squeaky toys in the dark.
A6. Lab: Oh, me, me!!!!! Pleeeeeeeeeze let me change the light bulb! Can
I? Can I? Huh? Huh? Huh? Can I? Pleeeeeeeeeze, please, please, please!
A7. German Shepherd: I'll change it as soon as I lead these people from
the dark, check to make sure I haven't missed any, and make just one
more perimeter patrol to see that no one has tried to take advantage of
the situation.
A8. Jack Russell Terrier: I'll just pop it in while I'm bouncing off the
walls and furniture.
A9. Old English Sheep Dog: Light bulb? I'm sorry, but I don't see a light
bulb?
A10. Cocker Spaniel: Why change it? I can still pee on the carpet in the
dark.
A11. Chihuahua: Yo quiero Taco Bulb.
A12. Pointer: I see it, there it is, there it is, right there ...
A13. Greyhound: It isn't moving. Who cares?
A14. New Zealand Sheep Dog: First, I'll put all the light bulbs in a
little cluster...
A15. Toy Poodle: I'll just blow in the Border Collie's ear and he'll do
it. By the time he finishes rewiring the house, my nails will be dry.

The Cat's Answer: "Dogs do not change light bulbs. People change light
bulbs. So, the real question is: How long will it be before I can expect
some light, some dinner, and a massage?"

ALL OF WHICH PROVES, ONCE AGAIN, THAT WHILE DOGS HAVE MASTERS, CATS HAVE
STAFF.


(The following refers to the current Bush regime.)
Q: How many Bush Administration officials does it take to screw in a
light bulb?
A: None. There is nothing wrong with the light bulb; it's condition is
improving every day. Any reports of it's lack of incandescence are
totally unfounded, and the result of delusional "spin" assaults from the
fanatic, elitist, liberal media. That light bulb has served honorably,
and anything you say undermines the lighting effect and dims it's ego.
Why do you hate freedom?


Q. How many Massage Therapists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A. One, but they have to have candles and soft music to do it.

Q. How many Anglican ministers does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A. Change?  In an Anglican church?  I think not!
 
Q.  How many Englishmen does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A.  None.  They'd rather curse the darkness.

Q. How many femmes does it take...?
A. Why would we want to! - the world is full of perfectly good butches!
 
Q. How many transsexuals does it take...?
A. Only one, but she needs a note from two doctors.

Q   How many people in Marin County does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A.   Silly!  They don't screw in light bulbs in Marin County -- they
screw in hot tubs.

Q: How many kids with ADD (Attention Deficit Disorder) does it take to
change a lightbulb?
A: Hey! Do you wanna go ride bikes?

Q:  How many Blue Peter presenters does it take to change a light bulb?
A:  Two. One to change the light bulb and the other to say "here's one we
did earlier"

Q. How many Floridians does it take to change a lightbulb?
A. Don't know for sure, they're still counting.

Q:  How many politicians does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A:  Two. One to change it, and another one to change it back again.
A:  Four, one to change it and the other three to deny it.

Q:  How many MP's does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A:  Twenty-one. One to change it and twenty to form a fact-finding
    committee to learn more about how it's done.

Q:  How many Tory MP's does it take to change a light bulb?
A:  Two, one to screw it in and the other to hang himself accidentally from 
    the flex performing a perverse sexual act involving womens underwear.
A:  I'm sorry I can't tell you that, the light bulb changing service has
    been privatised and the information you require is commercially sensitive.

Q:  How many Thatcherites does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A:  None. It's up to the private sector to provide the finance for it.

Q:  How many John Majors does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A:  Two. One to not do anything about it and one to try and blame
    the failure of the old bulb on the Labour party who put the
    original bulb in place 17 years ago.

Q:  How many Home Secretaries does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A:  None - they merely sack someone else for letting it go out.

Q:  How many Conservative economists does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A:  None. The invisible hand does it.
A:  None. "There is no need to change the lightbulb. All the conditions for
    illumination are in place. Recent surveys show growing confidence in the
    lightbulb lighting up again."
A:  None, because, look! It's getting brighter! It's definitely getting 
    brighter !!!

Q:  How many economists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A:  None.  If the light bulb really needed changing, market forces 
    would have already caused it to happen.
A:  Two. One to assume the ladder and one to change the bulb.
A:  Two. One to assume the latter (a pun) and change the bulb.
A:  None. If the government would just leave it alone, it would screw 
    itself in.

Q:  How many Liberal Democrats does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A:  None. "Well it's not really a question of should we change it or should
    we not change the lightbulb, but more a question of...(blah blah waffle)"

Q:  How many liberals does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A:  One liberal and twenty eight delegates representing all the social, 
    economic, and ethnic communities.
A:  Two-one to do it and the other to keep the first one's knee from jerking.
A:  None: They can't remove the old ones since they are already part of
    the environment.

Q:  How many social scientists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A:  They do not change light bulbs; they search for the root cause
    as to why the last one went out.

Q:  How many conservatives does it take to change a light bulb?
A:  One; after reflecting in the twilight on the merit of the previous bulb.

Q:  How many Labour Party members does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A:  None. They haven't got a policy on that.

Q:  How many socialists does it take to change a light bulb?
A:  One to petition the Ministry of Light for a bulb, fifty to establish the 
    state production quota, two hundred militia to force the factory unions to 
    allow production of the bulb, and one to surreptitiously dial an '800' 
    number to order an American light bulb.
	
Q:  How many libertarians does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A:  None, if he wants to sit in the dark, it's his business.
A:  None, because somebody might come into the room who likes to sit in 
    the dark.

Q:  How many Perot supporters does it take to change a light bulb?
A:  None, they all just quit and go home!

Q:  How many Presidential family members does it take to screw in a
    light bulb in the White House?
A:  Two, Hillary for her office, Bill for the rest of the White House.

Q:  How many Bill Clintons does it take to change a light bulb?
A:  Two -- One to promise he'll do it better than anyone else and
    one to obscure the issues.
A:  None -- He'll only promise "change."
A:  He doesn't. He whines a while, says "I feel your pain", and gets 
    congress to pass a billion dollar light security bill, and blames 
    republicans and special interests for not making lightbulbs free.
            
Q:  How many US Presidents does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A:  None, the constitution says that only Congress can screw in light bulbs,
    so only Congress is responsible for the dark, which is why we
    need a Constitutional ammendment.
A:  Only one. If he can handle 250000000 people a day I think he can handle
    screwing one extra lightbulb.

Q:  How many presidential candidates does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A:  Less and less all the time.

Q:  How many believable, competent, "just right for the job" presidential 
    candidates does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A:  It's going to be a dark 4 years, isn't it?

Q:  How many presidential campaign staff does it need to change a light bulb?
A:  220! One to write a speech about how good it will be when the bulb is
    actually changed, one to write a speech about why the other candidates 
    can't even spell "lightbulbe", eighteen to find out what the other 
    candidates did when the lightbulb failed, and another two hundred to find 
    out what the other candidate's families think about lightbulbs, bulbs, 
    pear-shaped objects, light in general, any form of energy.

Q:  How many Democratic presidential candidates from 1988 did it take to
    screw in a lightbulb ?
A:  (Mike Dukakis) In Massachusetts, my enlightened government has
    made it unnecessary for people to screw in their own light bulbs, as we
    have put thousands of former welfare recipients to work for the Dept.
    of Light Bulb Installation. These employees will come to your home or
    business and install any incandescent bulb, on only a few months notice.
A:  (Bruce Babbitt) It's foolish to talk about screwing in light
    bulbs when we haven't even taken the first step, and that is to remove
    the old bulb. I challenge my fellow candidates to stand up with me and
    help me remove this old light bulb [stands, but nobody else does] Hah!
    What wimps. You guys make Bush look like Rambo.
A:  (Richard Gephart) It doesn't matter whether the bulb is changed or not; it 
    only matters that the new bulb was made in the US of A. Taiwan and South 
    Korea have put up massive barriers to importing US light bulbs; we'll see 
    how they like it when their bulbs cost $10,000 to screw in here.
A:  (Gary Hart) This oblique reference to screwing is an obvious
    attempt to drag my personal life into this campaign. Frankly, I resent
    it, and the American people resent it.
A:  (Al Gore) As usual, the other left-wing wacko candidates are putting forth 
    solutions that moderate Southerners won't cotton to on  Super Tuesday. At 
    least I hope not.
A:  (Paul Simon) My media experts tell me I'm foolish for wearing 
    my hair the same way I did in the 50's. But that's what Paul Simon's 
    all about. And I suppose my media experts are gonna say I'm foolish for
    this, but in all candor, I change my light bulbs the same way I did in
    the 50's: my wife gets on a ladder and I turn it.
A:  (Jesse Jackson) Changing the light bulb is a partial solution
    at best. I'm more of a Lone Ranger than a light bulb changer. But even 
    the Lone Ranger had Tonto and Silver, and the shameful fact is that the
    American Indians of today don't have enough silver, or gold, or even
    paper money to allow them to buy into the American Dream or some extra
    light bulbs. We must ensure that all Americans can light their homes,
    from the lighthouse to the White House.

Q:  How many Republicans does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A:  Two-one to do it and one to steady the chandelier.
A:  None, they only screw the poor

Q:  How many Republican Presidential candidates from 1988 did it take to
    change a lightbulb ?
A:  (Dole) When I was a poor boy growing up in Kansas we didn't
    have light bulbs. Now I have the housekeeper do it.
A:  (DuPont) Light bulbs need to be changed? Gosh. I guess the servants have 
    always taken care of that... With a DuPont administration, the power of 
    the free market will be unleashed to produce light bulbs that never need 
    changing.
A:  (Robertson) Oh, Lord, with thy divine illumination, heal this light bulb!
A:  (Kemp) It's morning in America! Why should we worry about light bulbs? Let 
    those doom-crying Democrats worry about light bulbs! [stumble over chair 
    in the dark].
A:  (Haig) One. Snap to it, soldier!
A:  (Bush) None. (Bush in an earnest lap dog voice) I resent that question. 
    I've answered it before, and I think the media are keeping this thing 
    alive. I think the American people are TIRED of light bulb jokes.

The next three jokes are about the candidates who are running for a seat in
the Senate for Virgina.

Q:  How many Oliver Norths does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A:  Hell, how can he? He sold all the lightbulbs to Iran.

Q:  How many Douglas Wilders does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A:  I don't know, he can't decide if he is going to screw a lightbulb 
    in or not!

(Note: Douglas Wilder decided not to run, but then redecided to run
for a seat in the Senate. Repeat cycle over.)

Q:  How many Chuck Robbs does it to take to screw in a lightbulb?
A:  None, Douglas Wilder broke his lamp and Oliver North sold his
    lightbulb to Iran.

Q:  How many senators does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A:  Two to sponsor the bill and thirty-three to constitute a quorum.

Q:  How many Dan Quayles does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A:  One, but it has to be a pretty dim bulb.

Q:  How many Kennedys does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A:  None, at least until we get some corroborating witnesses.

Q:  How many Kennedy assassination conspiracy theorists does it take to 
    screw in a light bulb?
A:  15-One to screw it in, five to say he acted alone, one to say that someone 
    hidden in the ceiling helped, one to film it, one to do an intense 
    examination of the film and conclude that a) it was tampered with and b) it
    proves that the first screwer did not act alone, one to insist that the 
    bulb was altered after it was unscrewed, three tramps to walk across the 
    room an hour later, one to insist LBJ really screwed the bulb in, and one 
    to accuse all the others of being disinformation specialists.

Q:  How many aides does it take to change President Reagan's light bulb?
A:  None, they like to keep him in the dark.

Q:  How many Reagans does it take to change a light bulb?
A:  What light bulb?
    Note: Topical to Reagan's apparent poor memory.
A:  Just one - Nancy.
    Note: Topical to Reagan's dependence on Nancy and her apparent de facto
    ascent to power in 1987

Q:  How many Reaganists does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A:  Ten: One to deny that the bulb is burned out, one to clarify the denial 
    ("The bulb is really just dim"), one to blame the bulb burning out on the 
    Carter administration, one to blame the bulb burning out on Congress, one 
    to ask for a Constitutional amendment that will prohibit bulbs from burning
    out, one to replace the bulb with a kerosene lamp, one to borrow money from
    the Japanese to pay for the kerosene, one former Reaganist to lobby his old
    colleagues for a special favour for the kerosene importer, one to cash the 
    cheque for investing in the kerosene importer, one to send the bill to the 
    next generation.

Q:  How many election canvassers does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A:  None. They'd just go round telling everyone that it's time for a change but
    the only way this can come about is if everyone votes for "New lightbulb." 

Q:  How many Russian leaders does it take to change a light bulb?
A:  Nobody knows.  Russian leaders don't last as long as light bulbs.
A:  None, the old bulb is just suffering from a cold.

Q:  How many Russians does it take to change a light bulb?
A:  That's a military secret.

Q:  How many military information officers does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A:  At the present point in time it is against policy and the best interests 
    of military strategy to divulge information of such a statistical nature. 
    Next question, please.

Q:  How many running-dog lackeys of the bourgeoisie does it take to change a
    light bulb?
A:  None, that's the proletariat's work!
A:  Two.  One to exploit the proletariat, and one to control the means of
    production!

Q:  How many American Imperialist Pigs does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A:  Three - one to put in the bulb, and two to search through the cartons of
    inferior American produced light bulbs for one that isn't defective.

Note: Probably the Eastern European equivalent of an ethnic joke.

Q:  How many bureaucrats does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A:  Two.  One to assure everyone that everything possible is being done while 
    the other screws the bulb into the water faucet.
A:  Five - one to change the light bulb and the other four to fill out the
    Environmental Impact Statement.
A:  One to spot the burned-out bulb, his supervisor
    to authorize a requisition, a requisition typist, twelve clerks to file the
    requisition copies, a mail clerk to deliver the requisition
    to the purchasing department, a purchasing agent to order the bulb,
    a clerk to forward the purchasing order, a clerk to mail-order
    a receiving clerk to receive the bulb....
A:  Seven-- one to supervise, one to arrange for the electricity to be
    shut off, one to make sure that safety and quality standards are
    maintained, one to monitor compliance with local, state, and federal
    regulations, one to manage personnel relations, one to fill out the
    paperwork and one to screw the light bulb into the water faucet.
A:  Two - one to screw it in and one to screw it up.
A:  Just one.  But she gets promoted three times before she finally
    finishes screwing it up.
A:  None, we contract out for things like that.

Q:  How many safety inspectors does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A:  Four. One to change it and three to hold the ladder.

Q:  How many Quality managers does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A:  We've formed a quality circle to study the problem of why lightbulbs 
    burn out and to determine the best thing we as managers can do to 
    enable lightbulbs to work smarter, not harder.

Q:  How many admin assistants does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A:  None. I can't do anything unless you complete a lightbulb design 
    change request form.

Q:  How many civil servants does it take to change the light bulb?
A:  45.  One to change the bulb, and 44 to do the paperwork.

Q:  How many Federal employees does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A:  Sorry, that item has been cut from the budget!

Q:  How many Marxists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A:  None, the seeds of revolution and change are within the lightbulb itself.

Q:  How many Sparts does it take to change a light bulb?
A:  You can't CHANGE a light bulb!

Note: Sparts = Spartacus Youth League, a leftist fringe group that believes
in violent revolution.  Attributed to Michael Anderson '83, a student activist 
at Harvard.

(And in a similar vein...)
Q:  How many Trotskyists does it take to change a lightbulb ?
(Cue typical sarcastic angry Alexei Sayle voice)
A:  It's no use trying to CHANGE it, it's got to be SMASHED !!!

Q:  How many anarchists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A:  All of them.
(Notes : An anarchic society has no one in charge; each must do for theirself.)
Perhaps it would help to say, "All of them. Or, none of them. Or several."
(BTW, I prefer "theirself" to any other construction.)

Q:  How many Communists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A:  Two - one to screw it in, and a second to hand out leaflets.
A:  One, but it takes him about 30 years to realize that the old 
    one has burnt out.

Q:  How many (Generals/Politicians) does it take to change a light bulb?
A:  1,000,001:  One to change the bulb and 1,000,000 to rebuild
    civilization to the point where they need light bulbs again.
A:  None, they can all see by the light at the end of the tunnel.

Q:  How many British navy Officers does it take to change a light bulb?
A:  Only one, but it takes him seven weeks to get there.

Note: topical to the Falkland Islands war.

Q:  how many vietnam vets does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A:  YOU DON'T KNOW!  YOU WEREN'T THERE, MAN!!!  YOU'LL NEVER KNOW!!!!!

Q:  How many Chinese Red Guards does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A:  10,000 - to give the bulb a cultural revolution.

Q:  How many Chinamen does it take to change a lightbulb?        
A:  Thousands, because Confucious say many hands make light work.

Q:  How many Maoists does it take to change a light bulb?
A:  One to screw in the bulb and a thousand to chant "Fight Darkness!"

Q:  How many seventies disco dancers does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A:  Two. One to boogie up the ladder and one to say "Get daaowwwwn !"

Q:  How many blacks does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A:  Three: One to boogie up the ladder, two to keep the beat.

Q:  How many Asians does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A:  Three. One to change it and two to go to the cash & carry.
    (Well, it was funny enough to have made it onto TV...)

Q:  How many Poles does it take to change a light bulb?
A:  Just one, but you need 6000 Russian troops in case he goes on strike!

Q:  How many Polish-Americans does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A:  170. One to send the Never Fail Novena to the Cheektowaga Times for
    publication so St. Jude may grant the lightbulb request, one to say the
    Last Rites for the old lightbulb, ten volunteer firemen to break into the 
    house and smash the old light bulb to bits, fifty to protest the abortion 
    of the old lightbulb, ten to organize a lawn fete and spaghetti dinner at 
    Our Most Holy Precious Blood of the Seventeen Martyred Saints R.C. Church 
    to raise funds to buy a new light bulb (and the Monsignor a new pair of 
    bowling shoes as a gift on St. Stanislaus Day), twenty from Chiavettas 
    Catering to serve the food, twenty to run the Monte Carlo gambling tent, 
    fifty to run everything else, one to go to Koplinskis Appliances to buy the
    light bulb, one to screw it in, five to say the Rosary as the bulb is being
    screwed in, and the Monsignor to bless it.

Q:  How many Italian-Americans does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A:  I dunno exactly, but my brothers girlfriends fathers boss
    secretary's sister's next door neighbors' priest's cousin's union shop
    steward's uncle's Knights Of Columbus club Seargant-of-Arms nephew's
    best friend did it real cheap for me once.
    
Q:  How many Italians does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A:  Two. One to change it and one to sprinkle it with Parmesan. (Refers to
    the Italian restaurant habit of sprinkling everything with Parmesan, even
    though it makes everything smell convincingly of sick.)

Q:  How many retarded Italian gardeners does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A:  One, but don't expect results.

(They're supposed to be useless...(but we're Europeans, so none of that!))

Q:  How many European ballet dancers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A:  None, they like Danzig in the dark.

Q:  How many Mafia hitmen does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A:  Three. One to screw it in, one to watch, and one to shoot the witness.

Q:  How many inner-city gang members does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A:  Four-one to rob the liquor store to get money for the bulb, one to drive 
    the getaway car, one to screw it in, and one to hold his crack pipe while 
    he does it.

Q:  How many Honor Guards does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A:  22, one to screw it in, 21 to shoot the bulb.

Q:  How many ice skaters does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A:  Two, one to screw in the bulb, one to hire a hitman on club the other
    skater on the knee.

Q:  How many amoebas does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A:  One. No, 2. No, 4. No, 8. No, 16. No, 32.......

Q:  How many paranoids does it take to change a lightbulb?
A:  WHO WANTS TO KNOW?
A:  JUST EXACTLY DO YOU MEAN BY THAT? HUH? HUH?

Q:  How many movie actresses does it take to change a lightbulb?
A:  One, but you should've seen the line outside the producer's hotel room.

Q:  How many porn actresses does it take to change a light bulb?
A:  Well, it looks like 2 of them are really doing it, but the real answer 
    is actually none. They're just faking it.

Q:  How many movie directors does it take to change a lightbulb?
A:  Just one, but he wants to do it thirty-two times and when he's done 
    everyone thinks that his last lightbulb was much better.

Q:  How many Directors does it take to change a lightbulb?
A:  What do you think? (Theatre humour)

Q:  How many Dario Argento fans does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A:  Two. One to change it and one to film the demise of the old 
    one in explicit gorey detail, using obscure camera angles.

Q:  How many schizophreniacs does it take to change a lightbulb?
A:  Well, he thinks it's five but as we all now it's only him, so...

Q:  How many people with multiple personality disorder does it take 
    to screw in a light bulb?
A:  One, but they're really three.

Q:  How many manic-depressives does it take to change a lightbulb?
A:  Only one, but they keep changing it back and forth between the new
    and old bulbs. (Yes, anal-retentive really does have a hyphen.)

Q:  How many smokers does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A:  At least five. If they all light up together the lightbulb will do so too.

Q:  How many people in a Burger King advert does it take to change a lightbulb?
A:  None. "I can't change my lightbulb. But I can change my burger to a Burger
    King burger."

Q:  How many anglers does it take to change a lightbulb?
A:  Five, and you should've seen the light bulb!   It must have been 
    *this* big! (Gestures with arms...) Five of us were barely enough!

Q:  How many archaeologists does does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A:  Three. One to change it and two to argue about how old the old one is.

Q:  How many preservation society members does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A:  One, but it takes a year to find an antique Edison light bulb so 
    it'll be architecturally accurate.

Q:  How many aerobics instructors does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A:  Five. Four to do it in perfect synchrony and one to stand there going "To
    the left, and to the left, and to the left, and to the left, and take it 
    out, and put it down, and pick it up, and put it in, and to the right, and
    to the right, and to the right, and to the right..."

Q:  How many science fiction writers does it take to change a lightbulb?
A:  Two.  One to screw in the light bulb, and one to say, "In 1876, Jules Verne
    had the first intimations that electrostatic power was a viable energy
    alternative.  Hitherto, the only sources ..."
A:  Two, but it's actually the same person doing it. He went back in time and 
    met himself in the doorway and then the first one sat on the other one's 
    shoulder so that they were able to reach it. Then a major time paradox 
    occurred and the entire room, lightbulb, changer and all was blown out of 
    existence. They co-existed in a parallel universe, though.

Q:  How many signal processing engineers does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A:  Three. One to Fouriev transform the lightbulb, one to apply a complex
    exponential rotational shifting operator, and one to inverse transform the
    removed lightbulb.

Q:  How many aerospace engineers does it take to change a light bulb?
A:  None.  It doesn't take a rocket scientist, you know.

Q:  How many Einsteins does it take to change a lightbulb?
A:  That depends on the speed of the changer, and the mass of the bulb. Or 
    vice versa, of course. Then it just might be easier to leave the bulb alone 
    and change the room. It's all relative.

Q:  How many "Changing lightbulbs"-joke writers does it take to change a 
    lightbulb?
A:  Two hundred, and don't ask why because they haven't -figured that out yet.

Q:  How many of me does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A:  Three. One to change it, one to make up a joke about it, and one to 
    spend the next 6 months going round telling it to everyone.

Q:  How many cafeteria staff does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A:  Sorry, we closed 18 seconds ago, and I've just cashed up.

Q:  How many IKEA shop assistans does it take to change a light bulb?
A:  "Sorry, we ran out of light bulb stock. We expect it to arrive early
    next month. We do have ladders though! You just go straight on, then 
    left and then right. No, thanks, anytime."

Q:  How many Dixons assistants does it take to change a lightbulb? 
A:  Err. Nahh, it's MEANT to go dark after a few weeks. It's a new fangled
    addition. It's been developed by, er, (etc...)

Q:  How many pawnbrokers does it take to change a lightbulb?
A:  None.  It's of no interest to them.

Q:  How many grocery store cashiers does it take to change a light bulb?
A:  Are you kidding? They won't even change a five dollar bill.

Q:  How many London taxi drivers does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A:  (Cue typical indignant Saaaaf London accent) What ? Go all the way up 
    there and come back empty ? You must be jokin' mate !

Q:  How many newsmen does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A:  Only one, but he'll tell everybody.

Q:  How many firemen does it take to change a light bulb?
A:  Four - one to change the bulb and three to cut a hole in the roof.

Q:  How many mutants does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A:  Two thirds.

(Notes : Many mutations/birth defects result in people missing limbs, etc.  
Thus, a mutant is often only "2/3 of a person")
Or, perhaps it's "Got three hands, only needs two for the job ?"

Q:  How many waiters does it take to change a light bulb?
A:  None, even a burned out bulb can't catch a waiter's eye.

Q:  How many waitresses does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A:  Three. Two to stand around bitching about it and one to go get the manager.

Q:  How many Contras does it take to change a light bulb?
A:  Only one, but he doesn't know where it came from.
A:  One, but he needs one Iranian, one Israeli, four Canadians,
    and Arab, twenty Swiss, and Afghan, and Oliver North to help him.

Note: Both answers are topical to the 1987 Iran/Contra hearings.

Q:  How many loggers does it take to change a light bulb?
A:  One, but he uses a chainsaw.
A:  They can't do it, the light will disturb the spotted owls.

(Note : This is based on recent successful environmentalist pressures to stop 
logging in the NW U.S. to protect the endangered spotted owl species.)

Q:  How many procrastinators does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A:  One - but he has to wait until the light is better.

Q:  How many editors does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A:  Only one, but first they have to rewire the entire building.
A:  Two - one to change the bulb and one to issue a rejection
    slip to the old bulb.

Q:  How many managing editors does it take to change a lightbulb?
A:  You were supposed to have changed that lightbulb last week!

Q:  How many art directors does it take to change a lightbulb?
A:  Does it have to be a lightbulb?

Q:  How many copyeditors does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A:  The last time this question was asked, it involved art directors. Is
    the difference intentional? Should one or the other instance be changed?
    It seems inconsistent.

Q:  How many marketing directors does it take to change a lightbulb?
A:  It isn't too late to make this neon instead, is it?

Q:  How many proofreaders does it take to change a lightbulb?
A:  Proofreaders aren't supposed to change lightbulbs. They should just query
    them.

Q:  How many cover artists does it take to change a lightbulb?
A:  Why is there...an eggbeater, I think?...sticking out of this light fixture?

Q:  How many cover blurb writers does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A:  A VAST AND TEEMING HORDE STRETCHING FROM SEA TO SHINING SEA!!!!

Q:  How many publishers does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A:  Three.  One to screw it in.  Two to hold down the author.

Q:  How many sales directors does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A:  (pause) I get it! This is one of those lightbulb jokes, right?

Q:  How many social workers does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A:  Four. One to remove the bulb from the socket and take it away, without
    checking whether or not there was actually anything wrong with it, one to
    accuse its owners of mistreating it, one to find somewhere else to screw it
    in for the next 6 months, and one to eventually bring it back and say it
    was all done with the lightbulb's best interests at heart.
A:  Four. One to change the bulb, one to counsel the old bulb because it's been
    thrown away by an uncaring society, one to arrange the case conference and
    one to make sure they are all following the correct working practice.

Q:  How many Indiana University "notes" users does it take to 
    change a light bulb?
A:  All of them, since changing light bulbs is the only kind of job
    they can get after they graduate.
A:  Have you ever wondered why it's so dark in Bloomington?

Q:  How many Japanese industrialists does it take to change a light bulb?
A:  Three - one to make sure the new bulb is not foreign, one to change
    the bulb, and one to look into the export potential of the old bulb.

Q:  How many jerks who ask stupid questions does it take to screw in a 
    light bulb?
A:  Change it to what?

Q:  How many baby sitters does it take to change a light bulb?
A:  None, They don't make Pampers small enough.

Q:  How many Ergonomicists does it take to change a light bulb?
A:  Five - four to decide which way the bulb OUGHT to turn, and...

Q:  How many tight gits does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A:  Two. One to change it, and one to complain that even after
    all these technical advances, a lightbulb still only lasts 1000 hours.

Q:  How many bankers does it take to change a light bulb?
A:  Four - One to hold the bulb and three to try to remember the combination.
    (left a bit, right a bit, left a bit...)
A:  None, bankers don't change light bulbs.
    (Note: Ever notice that the electronic bank signs are full of 
    burned-out light bulbs?)

Q:  How many gardeners does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A:  Three. One to change it and two to have a debate about whether this
    is the right time of year to be putting in lightbulbs or daffodil bulbs.
A:  Just one. The new light bulbs are just as easy to change
    as the older, heavier ones.

Q:  How many cats does it takes to screw in a light bulb?
A:  You can throw away your light bulbs.  Just douse the cat with
    gasoline, light it up with a match, and you'll have all the light you need.

Q:  How many auto mechanics does it take to change a light bulb?
A:  Six - One to force it with a hammer and five to go out for more bulbs.
A:  Two, one to screw in all the bulbs he has until he finds one that fits, and
    the other to tell you he thinks he'll have to replace the whole socket.

Q:  How many Mexicans does it take to change a lightbulb?
A:  As many as will fit in the El Camino.

(Notes: El Camino is a type of Chevrolet (no longer made) that was popular with
Latinos. Mexicans are also known/stereotyped as putting a lot of people into 
their cars when they go low-riding.)

Q:  How many Filipinoes does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A:  We don't know. The new bulb keeps getting shot at the airport.

Q:  How many Englishmen does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A:  What do you mean change it? It's a perfectly good bloody bulb! We
    have had it for a thousand years and it has worked just *fine*.

Q:  How many Germans does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A:  Ve are asking ze qvestions here!
A:  Two, one to give the order that the bulb be changed and one to screw it in.
A:  None. They assign the task to a gastarbeiter.

Q:  How many Argentinians does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A:  Nine thousand-after all, it's *their* light bulb.

Q:  How many Belgians does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A:  Two. One to change it and one to put some chips with it.

Q:  How many U.S fighter pilots does it take to change a lightbulb ??
A:  Hell !, You mean it was one of OURS !?!?!
(Notes : Topical to the shooting down of 2 allied helicopters over Iraq.)

Q:  How many Iraqi soldiers does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A:  One. He takes it back to Baghdad for safe keeping.....

Q:  How many Iraqis does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A:  It doesn't matter, they don't have any electricity anymore.

Q:  How many West Virginians does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A:  None, they don't have Eeeeelextrisssity in West Virginia.

Q:  How many Iranians does it take to change a light bulb?
A:  One hundred - One to screw it in and 99 to hold the house hostage.

Q:  How many Ayatollahs does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A:  None-there weren't any light bulbs in the 13th century.

Q:  How many terrorists does it take to change a light bulb?
A:  Twenty - one to do it and nineteen to develop a distraction.
A:  Siz. One to change the bulb, and 5 to take the credit when it explodes.
A:  Two: one to stage a suicide attack on the bulb and another to claim 
    responsibility in phone call to the news media.

Q:  How many Shiites does it take to change a light bulb?
A:  Four. One to hijack a light bulb, one to commandeer a jet to Beirut 
    airport, one to hold press conferences, and one to negotiate with Israel 
    and the US for the release of fluorescent bulbs held in hostage around the
    world!!

Q:  How many members of the P.L.O. does it take to change a light bulb?
A:  45 - One to drive the car, four to shoot the president of Sylvania's
    bodyguards, three to kidnap the president of Sylvania, five to think up
    the ransom demands, ten to paste up the ransom note, eight to cut little
    eye-holes in the cloth sacks, one to drive a truck with 2000 kilos of
    dynamite into the American embassy, one to claim responsibility for the
    bombing, and twelve to commandeer a building with working lights.

(and in a similar vein...)
Q:  How many Israelis does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A:  Six-four to storm the room and take control of it, one to forcibly 
    eject the old bulb, and another one to screw it in.

Q:  How many SAS men does it take to change a lightbulb?            
A:  Three. One to change it and two to shout GO! GO! GO!

Q:  How many Arabs does it take to change a lightbulb?
A:  Only one, but it took three U.S. advisors to tell them that it was 
    burnt out in the first place.
    (Notes: Is/was this topical to one particular event, or does it just 
    reflect American frustration with the Arab way of doing things and the 
    peace process in general ?)

Q:  How many Australians does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A:  One, but you have to pry him off the sheep first.
A:  Two - one to say "She'll be right mate" and one to fetch the beers.
A:  16. One to change the bulb and 15 to say "Good on yer, mate!"

Q:  How many armies does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A:  At least five. The Germans to start it, the French to give up really easily
    after only trying for a little while, the Italians to make a start, get
    nowhere, and then try again from the other side, the Americans to turn up 
    late and finish it off and take all the credit, and the Swiss to pretend 
    nothing out of the ordinary is happening.

Q:  How many Scousers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A:  One, but 200 had to apply for the job.

Q:  How many Liverpool supporters does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A:  96. One to change it and 95 to get killed in the crush when the whole city
    turns up to watch.    (Topical to the Hillsborough disaster.)

Q:  How many cryonicists does it take to change a light bulb?
A:  Four - One to ensure that the light bulb is certifiably dead, one to
    perfuse it with cryoprotectants, one to slowly cool it to liquid
    nitrogen temperature, and one to wait two hundred years for technology
    to advance sufficiently to revive it.

Q:  How many neurophysiologists does it take to change a lightbulb?
A:  Six.  One to remove the old bulb and examine it under the microscope to 
    find out what went wrong, one to blow a tube of glass into the bulb shape, 
    one to coil the tungsten wire filament, one to clean up the metal base of 
    the old bulb, one to operate the vacuum pump to get rid of the air in the 
    bulb and one to apply the glue to seal the new bulb into the old base. The 
    new bulb won't work, of course, but the whole process uses up a lot of 
    expensive equipment and keeps several intelligent people happily employed 
    doing something totally useless.

Q:  How many antibiotics does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A:  None. They're there to kill it off, not to help revive it.
    (This one came to me in a dream, and somehow I remembered it upon waking.)

Q:  How many EEPers does it take to replace a light bulb?
A:  Ten - 1 to replace the bulb and 9 to do a long term study of the effects
    on his/her social development relative to same-age peers who sat around
    in the dark.

Note: EEP = Early Entrance Program at the University of Washington

Q:  How many pessimists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A:  None, the old one is probably screwed in too tight.
A:  None, it's a waste of time because the new bulb probably won't work either.

Q:  How many optimists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A:  None, they're convinced that the power will come back on soon.

Q:  How many IBM types does it take to change a light bulb?
A:  Just one, provided there's an engineer around to explain how to do it.
A:  100. Ten to do it, and 90 to write document number GC7500439-0001,
    Multitasking Incandescent Source System Facility, of which 10% of
    the pages state only "This page intentionally left blank", and 20%
    of the definitions are of the form "A ...... consists of sequences
    of non-blank characters separated by blanks".
    (Notes : This is one of the most impressively durable LBJs.  It occurs,
    virtually letter-for-letter identical, in lists whose contents are
    otherwise wildly different.)

Q:  How many IBM CPU's does it take to turn on a light bulb?
A:  33 - 1 to process the instruction and 32 to process the interrupt.

Q:  How many Apple and IBM nuts does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A:  An infinite number: nothing useful gets done while they're arguing. Finally
    a disgusted generic computer user (who will use any type that is in front 
    of him) gets up and changes the bulb, elbowing the participants aside. The 
    size of the crowd arguing seems to be a function of time, although whether
    or not the function is exponential is not known.

Q:  How many Apple employees does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A:  Seven.  One to screw it in and six to design the tee-shirts.

Q:  How many Apple programmers does it take to change a lightbulb?
A:  Only one, but why bother ?  Your light socket will just be obsolete in
    six months anyway.

Q:  How many Microsoft employees does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A:  It burned out? You must be using a non-standard socket.
A:  None. They just write it up as a new and useful feature.
A:  One - but Bill Gates must inspect every single bulb and socket before the 
    operation is started.
A:  Eight: one to work the bulb and seven to make sure Microsoft gets
    $2 for every light bulb ever changed anywhere in the world.

Q:  How many Microsoft Visual C++ programmers does it take ....
A:  400. 1 to change the bulb, 50 to write a magazine about it, 50 to write a
    help file about it, 50 to code a little gadget so when you hit the bulb it 
    will announce all the names of the team involved, 50 to go down to the 
    drinks machine and get everyone their can of coke, 50 to show off about 
    how installing a light bulb for Bill has made them paper millionaires, 1 
    to answer the phone at the help desk ("Putting you through to our light 
    bulb expert sir... click"), 148 to pad out the pictures in the "Light Bulb 
    - how we did it" magazine.

Q:  How many C++ programmers does it take to change a light bulb?
A:  You're still thinking procedurally.  A properly designed light bulb
    object would inherit a change method from a generic light bulb
    class, so all you'd have to do is send a light bulb change message.
A:  At least a dozen, but it's impossible to tell which one it is, because
    they're all pointing at each other going "That's me, over there !"

Q:  How many Bill Gates' (runs Microsoft) does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A:  None. He simply declares darkness to be the new standard.

Q:  How many operating systems are required to screw in a light bulb?
A:  Just one-Microsoft is making a special version of Windows for it.

Q:  How many Windows programmers does it take to change a light bulb?
A:  472.  One to write WinGetLightBulbHandle, one to write
    WinQueryStatusLightBulb, one to write WinGetLightSwitchHandle...

Q:  How many Windows users does it take to change a lightbulb?
A:  One, but she/he'll swear up and down that it was JUST as easy for
    him as it would be for a Macintosh user.

Q:  How many people does it take to change an object-oriented light bulb?
A:  Change it? Aw shucks, I was going to reuse it.

Q:  How many Object Oriented programmers does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A:  None, they send it a message, and it changes itself.

Q:  How many developers does it take to change a light bulb?
A:  The light bulb works fine on the system in my office . . .

Q:  How many shipping dept. personnel does it take to change a lightbulb?
A:  We can change the bulb in 7-10 working days; if you call before
    2pm and pay an extra $15 we can get the bulb changed overnight.

Q:  How many Newtons does it take to change a lightbulb?
A:  Foux! There to eat lemons, axe gravy soup.
A:  Farm. 
(Notes: refers to the Newton's poor handwriting recognition techniques)

Q:  How many Apple Newton users does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A:  Only one, tharks to the extnq-producilve handwritling processcr.

Q:  How many alt.fan.pratchett readers does it take to change a light bulb?
A:  Four. One to actually change the bulb, one to write amusing footnotes about
    it, one to propose to Laura, and a newbie to ask if that's really THE Terry
    Or colette or both, and then to realise that the speed of light can't be
    measured, except in badgers, or possibly multiple of pi, then to say sod it
    and ask if anyone knows where to find the lyrics for the hedgehog song...

Q:  How many alt.folklore.urban readers does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A:  It depends on the way the bulb is threaded.
A:  Two-fifty.
A:  One, to be dying of cancer and request that everybody around the world send 
    him light bulbs so he can get into the Guinness Book of World Records.
A:  One, who'll do it for food.
A:  One, to have a drink with a strange woman in a bar and pass out, wake up 
    three days later in a seedy hotel room, find a scar on his
    back, and realize where the light bulb went.
A:  Derek Tearne, to confirm that the bulb turns the same way in the southern 
    hemisphere in spite of the Coriolis Effect (which is actually pretty 
    negligible).
A:  Furrfu !
    (Notes : - furrfu is the word "sheesh" encoded in Rot-13 (a simple but 
    commonly-used cipher that helps protect the unwary against unwanted 
    exposure to sexual, vulgar, or other offensive language).

Q:  How many alt.conspiracy readers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A:  One to do it, one to insist that the CIA was responsible for the
    old bulb burning out, one to blame it on the Illuminati, one to blame
    the TLC/CFR/Bilderberg group, and Steve Crocker to say that Lyndon 
    LaRouche predicted the bulb would someday burn out whereas the 
    British-dominated establishment was telling us the bulbs would never
    need to be replaced, Ted Frank to tell everyone they're full of it,
    and several other people to insist that Ted is a member of the CFR.

Q:  How many net.jokers does it take to tell yet-another light bulb joke?
A:  622 - One to tell the original joke, and the rest to give some
    minor variation of it, believing this to constitute a great new joke that
    noone else had ever thought of.

Q:  How many net.poets does it take to change a light bulb?

                   swimming
A:  None, fish are          through the       of my conciousness,
           and                          edges
           I          dark. 
             like the 

Q:  How many net.junkies does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A:  One.  But he's gotta cross-post it ALL OVER THE GODDAM PLACE.

Q:  How many Mensans does it take to screw in a litebulb?
A:  None. They know that litebulb is misspelled and therefore cannot 
    exist to be screwed in. Now of course, if it were a Miller Lite bulb...
     
Q:  How many USENETers does it take to screw in a ligth bulb?
A:  Six.  One to point out the spelling error        ^^  you illiterate idiot!,
    one to flame:  GET THIS GARBAGE OFF THE NET!!!, one to flame the flamer,
    one to ask to be removed from the news group, one to ask for a copy of the 
    last message :-) , and one to ask how to unROT the joke.
A:  Fifty - One to do it and 49 to talk about it on net.bulbs.d.
    (Note: a nice try, but there's no such group. alt.fan.lightbulbs is quite 
    active, though - BRIAN.)

Q:  How many rec.humor.funny readers does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A:  50. They all stand out in the hall while Maddi comes out every once in a 
    while and looks at all the light bulbs people have brought. Finally she 
    selects a few. They're all quite feeble and burn out after a few minutes, 
    so she comes out for more. But she selects more dim bulbs, which causes 
    great discontent among the people who have brought really bright, 
    long-lasting bulbs.

Q:  How many rec.humour posters does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A:  31.  One to change the lightbulb and thirty to flame them for picking the
    wrong wattage. No, better make that 32 ... Captain Nitpick will want to 
    point out that the newsgroup is rec.humor (US spelling) *not* rec.humour.

Q:  How many rec.humor readers does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A:  100-one to announce that it burned out, 10 to agree, 20 to come running in 
    with new light bulbs and screw them in, 9 to screw them in and leave the 
    old bulb in, 10 to ask for a videotape of the screwing, another one to come
    in a few minutes later and notice the bulb went out again and start the 
    whole process all over again. And one (me!) to notice that this doesn't 
    actually add up to 100.
A:  1000.  And they change the same bulb over and over and over again
    and still no one notices it's been changed so they change it again and
    again and then they even discuss it and then someone flames them for
    not doing it in rec.humor.d.
A:  565. 1 to put in a trick bulb (say, a flash bulb), 6 to flame the first, 
    pointing out that this bulb is different from the old one, 29 to 
    counter-flame, pointing out that the new bulb is *deliberately* different, 
    and is parodying the old one, 7 to leave the room, citing the extreme 
    density of the 6, 12 to demand that this commentary be redirected to the 
    other room, 14 to ask that the bulb be changed again, since they missed 
    seeing it the first time, and 496 (a bit excessive, but it's not my joke) 
    to climb all over each other, trying to put the old bulb back in.
A:  An infinitely growing number : -
    One to announce that the bulb burned out. Ten to agree. One to change it, 
    one to post in saying "I got it", one to post 
    in saying "Yes, but they have shots for it nowadays", one to post in saying
    "Our news software hasn't been working and I missed the original lightbulb
    joke.  Would someone please post it again or email it to me ?", one to post
    in quoting everything so far and the
    words "Me too", two to turn it into a cascade, another ten to build the 
    cascade into a disk-wasting monster, one to post in with "I don't
    get it. Isn't this the place for FUNNY jokes ?", one to post in after two
    months "What's this lightbulb joke you're all talking about ?", one to
    repost it a month later thinking it's a new joke, one to post "I didn't get
    it. What's the punchline ?", one to post "Has anyone got a list of these ? 
    I'm starting a list, so please send me all your lightbulb jokes", and one
    to cross-post the joke to alt.fan.lightbulbs 6 months later prefixed by
    "Are we allowed to tell jokes in here ?" and accompanied by all of our old
    favourites like "How many programmers...? None that's a hardware problem.",
    three to ask, a month later, "What FTP sites are the old lightbulbs 
    archived at ?", and any number to revive the entire exchange at stochastic 
    intervals of two to six months.
   
Q:  How many DR. ROCKETs does it take to change a light bulb?
A:  juSt ONe, BUt he CHAngES It tO RADioACtIVE dusT WItH HIs NuclEAR WArHead!!

Q:  How many Nitpicks does it take to change a light bulb?
A:  None. They just let someone else change it, then they point out all
    the mistakes the bulb-changer made!

Q:  How many EXPLAINORs does it take to change a light bulb?
A:  None, because The KILLOR killed him! 

(Note : The last 3 all refer to personalities in the rec.humor group.)
 
Q:  How many AOL users does it take to change a light bulb?
A:  Two.  One to screw in the lightbulb, and one to watch him to make sure 
    he doesn't say 'nipple'.
A:  Eight.  One screws in the lightbulb, but seven more do too, due to a 
    software bug.
A:  Eleven. One to ask to be on the lightbulb gif mailing list, nine to 
    say "ME TOO!", and another to post a message asking for the intructions 
    on how to view a lightbulb.
(Notes: If you don't beleive me, see the alt.binaries.pictures.supermodels,
alt.binaries.pictures.celebreties, and alt.sex newsgroups and you will see 
threads up to  10 "ME TOO!"s long consisting of all AOL'ers requesting to be 
put on non exisitent .gif/ftp mailing lists. Internet folklore tells us that
all the gits are on AOL. The software they're using is only partly to blame.)

Q:  How many VEGAN-L subscribers does it take to change a lightbulb ?
(With apologies because of some overlapping with the rec.humor answer)
A:  Most of them. One to change it and post a little joke about it to the list,
    one to post in saying "I got it", one to post in saying "Yes, but they have
    herbal remedies for it nowadays", one to post "And homeopathic ones too, I
    read somewhere", one to post in saying he accidentally deleted the original
    lightbulb joke and could someone please post it again or email it to him, 
    one to post in quoting everything so far and the words "Me too", two to 
    turn it into a cascade, one to post "What's this lightbulb joke you're all 
    talking about then ?", one to post "I dunno, it sounds like some kind of 
    food", one to post "In that case, has anyone got a recipe for one then ?", 
    one to post in requesting Michael Traub look up and tell us all its B12 
    content, one to post "Will it help cure my auntie's arthritis ?", one to 
    assert that it probably won't, but its effectiveness at this might well be 
    increased by accompanying it with some shiatsu and meditation, two to 
    condemn that as too unscientific, one to ask whether lightbulbs are totally
    vegan, one to post "Read the FAQ", one assert that they are and add "I like
    lightbulbs. They're low in fat, and stay crunchy in soya milk too !", one 
    to announce that she's leaving the list unless the discussion gets a bit 
    more meaningful, three to post in reassuring her that eventually it will, 
    Lissa Mosley to post that the list moderators feel they must respectfully 
    request that the discussion be moved to private email as it has been going 
    on far too long, one to agree with this and add "So what has all this got 
    to do with ethical veg*nism anyway ?" and suggest the discussion be moved 
    to alt.fan.lightbulbs , and one to post in quoting this suggestion and add 
    "What's that ?". So the discussion moves to usenet, as our intrepid vegan-l
    subscribers venture beyond the boundaries of email, and alt.fan.lightbulbs 
    finds itself taking a few days off from the "My incredible light" and 
    "Lightbulb death" discussions and come up with some new jokes...

Q:  How many alt.sex.stories readers does it take to change a lightbulb?
A:  Cindy fondled the burnt-out bulb whilst beads of sweat glistened on her 
    perfectly rounded breast... Her brother Billy had gone to the hardware 
    store to get a new lightbulb. Suddenly the door opened and there he stood,
    silhouetted against the sharp light from the doorway. She could see the 
    bulge in his pants.. "They didn't have any lightbulbs but wait'll you get 
    a load of my hardware", he said as he started unzipping his pants...

Q:  How many uk.singles readers does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A:  Most of them.  One female to notice that it had gone out and post something
    about how lightbulbs are so masculine to the group, two to post in 
    disagreeing with this, Susan Macran to post "Bog off stumpy!", a whole 
    terminal room in Keele to sit there discussing it only among themselves, 
    one to post a coherent critique of Susan Macran's last post, Kate Smith to 
    complain that the women always get flamed more than the men, Menya to say 
    that lightbulbs are sexy as long as they're orange and could someone bring 
    her a nice hot one, and two people to post in suggesting a boink so they 
    can all get together and change the lightbulb, with real friendship and
    good lighting not relationships uppermost in their minds. During all this 
    time, not one person dares risk losing points by posting a personals ad.

Q:  How many divorcees does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A:  None. The sockets all went with the house.

Q:  How many w***ers does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A:  They can't. They just move it backwards and forwards, faster and faster, 
    until it fuses.

Q:  How many alt.pagan.* group readers does it take to change a lightbulb
A:  None. Torches are more traditional.
A:  23. One to change the bulb and 22 to argue how their family tradition
    regarding lightbulbs is more justified and ancient than anyone else's.

Q:  How many IRC chatters does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A:  None. They're so busy saying hello, goodbye, and kicking each other off
    that noone ever has enough time to get anything done !

Q:  How many humor theorists does it take to submit a light bulb joke?
A:  300 - one to change the bulb and 299 to analyze it to death.

Q:  How many Europeans does it take to submit a light bulb joke?
A:  Who needs a light bulb when you have two suns?
    (Notes : This joke was created after the creator saw the movie 2010.)

Q:  How many netters does it take to submit a light bulb joke?
A:  1000 - One to invent the joke and 999 to submit "How many programmers does
    it take to screw in a light bulb? None, that's a hardware problem."
A:  2, 1 to do it and 1 to read this huge file first to check it hasn't
    been done already ! 

Q:  How many light bulb jokes does it take to change a light bulb joke?
A:  Hmmmm - the probability that a given light bulb joke will be submitted 
    to the net in any given week is .4, and the probability that it
    will have changed detectably since the last transmission is .2 .
    Hence (assuming independence, which is reasonable since no
    submitter of a light bulb joke ever seems to know it has been
    submitted before, within the last 2 or 3 weeks), the probability
    that it will change in a given week is .08.  So it takes about
    12.5 light bulb jokes to change a light bulb joke.

A:  One.
Q:  How many psychics does it take to change a lightbulb ?

Q:  How many psychics does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A:
A:  ---- You should have hit "n!"

Note: The second answer refers to the way of skipping an article in an 
electronic news reading program.

Q:  How many journalists does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A:  Three.  One to report it as an inspired government program to bring
    light to the people, one to report it as a diabolical government
    plot to deprive the poor of darkness, and one to win a pulitzer
    prize for reporting that Electric Company hired a lightbulb
    assassin to break the bulb in the first place.

Q:  How many computer journalists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A:  Five-one to write a review of all the existing light bulbs so you can
    decide which one to buy, another one to write a remarkably similar 
    one in another magazine the next month, a third to have a big one 
    come out on glossy paper two months later that is by then completely
    out of date, a fourth to hint in his/her column that a completely new
    and updated bulb is coming out, and the fifth to report a rumor that
    that new bulb is shipping with a virus.

Q:  How many GLC workers does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A:  Four. One to do it and three to go round putting up posters announcing
    that the GLC, working for London, is going to change the lightbulb.

Q:  How many city planners does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A:  Six - four to write an extensive study recommending a three-way
    100/200/250 watt light bulb, one to write an article in the newspaper
    praising the study, and one to put in a 10 watt blub instead. 

Q:  How many municipal employees does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A:  Seven - two to administer the Civil Service examination for the Light
    Bulb Administrator position, the Commissioner of Public Works, who ends
    up hiring his brother for the position anyway, one to plow the mayor's
    driveway, a Summer Youth student to actually screw it in, and a Union    
    steward to protest that its the electrician's job to screw in lightbulbs.

Q:  How many carpenters does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A:  Sod you! That's the electrician's job.

Q:  How many utilitarians does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A:  As many as are happy screwing in light bulbs.

Q:  How many surrealists does it take to change a light bulb?
A:  Two.  One to hold the giraffe and the other to fill the bathtub
    with brightly colored machine tools.
A:  Two. One to change it and one to throw a bucket of water out the window.
    (An interesting story about this joke - it was once being told at a party
    or something, and the person being asked correctly made up a completely
    irrelevant answer, and was promptly corrected by a loud chorus of "No, it's
    a fish !")

Q:  How many fish does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A:  surrealist.

Q:  How many modern artists does it take to change a light bulb?
A:  Four; one to throw bulbs against the wall, one to pile hundreds of them in 
    a heap and spray-paint it orange, one to glue light bulbs to a cocker 
    spaniel, and one to put a bulb in the socket and fill the room with light 
    while all the critics and buyers are watching the fellow smashing the bulbs
    against the wall, the fellow with the spray-gun, and the cocker spaniel.
		(what goes clink-clink-clink, ow-woooo?)

Q:  How many sado-masochists does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A:  Two. One to hold it and one to kick the chair out from under him.

Q:  How many consultants does it take to change a light bulb?
A:  We don't know.  They never get past the feasibility study.

Q:  How many poets does it take to change a light bulb?
A:  Three.  One to curse the darkness, one to light a candle...
    ... and one to change the bulb.

Q:  How many stock brokers does it take to change a light bulb?
A:  Two.  One to take out the bulb and drop it, and the other to try and
    sell it before it crashes (knowing that it's already burned out).

Q:  How many rock stars does it take to screw in a lightbulb ?
A:  None. Rock stars only screw in jacuzzis.

Q:  How many existentialists does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A:  Two.  One to screw it in and one to observe how the lightbulb
    itself symbolizes a single incandescent beacon of subjective
    reality in a netherworld of endless absurdity reaching out toward a
    maudlin cosmos of nothingness.

Q:  How many Paul Daniels does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A:  None. "And that's magic !"

Q:  How many Will Rogers' does it take to change a dead light bulb?
A:  None.  He never met a dead light bulb he didn't like.

Q:  How many heterosexual males does it take to screw in a light bulb
    in San Francisco?
A:  Both of them.

Q:  How many polite, considerate native New Yorkers does it take to 
    screw in a light bulb?
A:  Both of them.
 (Very flexible-use against any group you want to imply is nearly nonexistent).

Q:  How many Yorkshiremen does it take to change a lightbulb ?
Q:  Four. One to change it, one to hold his racing pigeon, one to hold his
    greyhound, and one to drink his pint of bitter.

Q:  How many programmers does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A:  Four. One to design the change, one to implement it, one to document it, 
    and one to maintain it afterwards.
A:  Wait!  Maybe the bulb isn't broken.  Let's try it again.
A:  It's hard to say.  Each time we separate the bulb into its modules
    to do unit testing, it stops working.
A:  The change is 90% complete.
A:  We looked at the light fixture and decided there's no point trying to 
    maintain it. We're going to rewrite it from scratch. Could you wait
    two months?
A:  Only one, but she's not available.  She's the only programmer we
    have who can get the [insert name here] software ready to ship
    to customers, and that's higher priority, you know.
A:  Four, plus one senior analyst to manage the project, one technical writer 
    to correct the spelling and grammar of the one who documented it, one 
    lightbulb librarian, a sales-force of at least five to drum up enough users
    who want to turn the light on, 274 users to burn out the new bulb, at which
    point we go to tender for another light bulb change,...
A:  Of course, as everyone knows, just five years ago all it took was
    a bunch of kids in a garage in Palo Alto to change a light bulb.
A:  None. "It's not a bug, it's a feature."
A:  Trick question. Programmers don't do hardware. (same answer really as
    "None. It's a hardware problem.")
A:  One, but if he changes it, the whole building will probably fall down.
A:  Two.  One always leaves in the middle of the project.
A:  Five. Two to write the specification program, one to screw it in, 
    and two to explain why the project was late.

Q:  How many 'real' programmers does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A:  None. 'Real' programmers prefer LEDs.

Q:  How many field service engineers does it take to replace a dead light bulb?
A:  Who can tell. Field service engineers are always in the dark.
A:  None.  They just have marketing portray the dead bulb as a feature.
A:  2.  One to hold the bulb and one to pound it in (etc)
A:  Well, the diagnostics all check out fine, so it's a software problem.
A:  None: "We'll fix it in software."

Q:  How long will it take?
A:  That's indeterminate.  It depends on how many dead bulbs they've
    brought with them.

Q:  What if you have *two* dead bulbs?
A:  They replace your fuse box.

Q:  How many system administrators does it take to change a lightbulb?
A:  None, they just deny everyone access to the area served by the
    light bulb in question.

Q:  How many computer security experts does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A:  "That depends on the TCSEC rating of the object light bulb. If it's a C2 
    bulb (or below), one. If a B1 bulb, just one, but he/she must document the
    potential covert channel. If a B2 bulb, he/she must also audit the covert
    channel. If a B3/A1 bulb, none, since covert channels are not allowed. [See
    also the "Orange Book"]

Q:  How many Systems Assurance testers does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A:  None. We just noticed the room was dark. We don't fix the problems, we 
    just find them.

Q:  How many Unix hacks does it take to change a light bulb?
A:  As many as you want; they're all virtual, anyway.
A:  One, but first he has to determine the correct path.

Q:  How many unix programmers does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A:  Only one, but if you forget to tell him "2>" he'll mash both the live and
    dead bulbs into the same socket at once.

Q:  How many Unix Support staff does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A:  Read the man page!

Q:  How many UNIX system vendors does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A:  None. All of the lightbulbs you have are 'standard variants' and as such 
    won't fit your particular implementation of the socket.
    (However you do have the source code for your socket, so .....)

Q:  How many software vendors does it take to change a lightbulb?
A:  None:  You have to do it yourself, pay them $99 for the privilege, and 
    re-wire your sockets to suit the new bulb.

Q:  How many Bell Labs Vice Presidents does it take to change a light bulb?
A:  That's proprietary information.  Answer available from AT&T on payment
    of license fee (binary only).
A:  Nearly unanswerable, since the one who tries to change it usually
    drops it, and the others call for a planning session.
A:  Three.  One to get the bulb and two to get the phone number of one
    of their subordinates to actually change it.

Q:  How many VMS heads does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A:  All of them, and they will all scream at you in unison and tell you that
    the only lightbulb you can use is a 100-watt soft white but you can use 
    any 100-watt soft white as long as it's manufactured by DEC.
A:  "Errr... Well, I've got a patch that I could apply to it, but if you can
    just wait till next year, it'll all be fixed when we upgrade to lightbulb 
    version 6.1..."

Q:  How many software engineers does it take to change a lightbulb?
A:  None: "We'll document it in the manual."

Q:  How many C programmers does it take to change a lightbulb?   
A:  None, they forgot to declare it first

Q:  How long does it take a C programmer to screw in a light bulb?
A:  24 hours - 3 minutes to put in the bulb, the rest of the time to compile 
    all the libraries...

Q:  How many FORTRAN programs does it take to change a lightbulb? 
A:  1.00000000001

Q:  How many BASIC programmers does it take to screw in a light bulb?   
A:  10 push bulb upwards:twist bulb clockwise
    20 goto 10

Q:  How many games machine programmers does it take to screw in a light-bulb?
A:  One, but he needs the seal of approval from Nintendo before he can put his 
    light-bulb in THEIR socket.

Q:  How many Prolog programmers does it take to change a light bulb?
A:  False.

Q:  How many Lisp programmers does it take to change a light bulb?
A:  Hmmm, I'm not sure, better find out....
A:  Hmmm, I'm not sure, better find out....

[Notes: LISP is a recursive programming language.  One problem LISP 
programmers have to contend with is infinite recursion.
(cf computer dictionary entry: RECURSION - see recursion)
These lisp heads are usually research AI types and their standard answer is as
in the punchline. IT COULD BE IMPROVED:
A:  (((H)mmm,) (I'm ((not) sure, better))) (find (out))...            ]

Q:  How many neural nets does it take to change a light bulb ?
A:  f'(x) = delta Sum log (HOUSE) / d(HOUSE)

Q:  How many SAS programmers does it take to change a light bulb?
A:  How many?
A:  It depends : -
    If they are applications programmers, it takes exactly twice
    as many as are currently available.
    If they are host programmers, it takes one for each variant
    of Unix and/or MicroSoft Windows.
    If they are core programmers, it only takes one.  He just holds the
    bulb to the socket and waits for the world to revolve around him.
A:  One to analyze the historical failure rates of lightbulbs using 
    PROC LIFEREG, so as to anticipate the failure of the lightbulb before the 
    user actually has to report it, one to explain why SAS is better for 
    changing lightbulbs than S-Plus, SPSS/X, BMDP, SYSTAT, MINITAB or a 
    spreadsheet, one to write a custom interface in AF/SCL allowing the user 
    to manually request the changing of the light bulb after its failure 
    (prematurely) occurs, one to write a report with PROC SQL and PROC REPORT 
    which will summarize the lightbulbs needing to be changed, sorted twelve 
    different ways, cross-indexed (by wattage, type, and 
    prematureness-of-failure) and totaled, one to actually spin the light bulb 
    into the socket using SAS/Insight, one to call Cary to try to get them to 
    explain when a new version of the lightbulb will ship, how much we'll pay 
    to keep using lightbulbs for another year, and what we'll do if our site 
    sends all its lightbulbs to Europe where 120V/60Hz lightbulbs tend to 
    explode upon insertion in 220V/50Hz circuits, one to write an 
    incomprehensible ten line SAS macro program which will perpetually insert 
    new filaments into all mission critical lightbulbs until its author is 
    fired, at which point the SAS macro will automatically encode itself into 
    a copy of the latest SAS/ETS usage notes, one to write a graphical front 
    end to the lightbulb changing process using SAS/EIS, with little 
    speedometers showing the number of lightbulbs changed per hour, so that 
    management can understand why we need to buy bigger lightbulbs, one to 
    prepare a SUGI paper summarizing the entire lightbulb project, taking
    credit for the design and execution of the lightbulb project itself as well
    as the invention of the light bulb itself, another one to prepare a second 
    SUGI paper benchmarking lightbulb replacement on twelve different types of 
    light sockets, with separate graphs for florescent and incandescent bulbs 
    (made with SAS/Graph, except for the titling, axes, color, polylines, and 
    background, which were all added manually with Cricket Graph on a Mac), ten
    to push the dollie loaded with SAS/Lightbulb manuals, *and*, One more to 
    ask SAS-L for help when you really need to change that bulb, NOW.
A:  Zero.  We have the housekeeping staff do it for us.
A:  Please let us know!
A:  That depends; what color is the bulb?
A:  It all depends on whether they can read the manuals or not.  That
    needs to be in there somewhere as a qualifier!
A:  They can't change light bulbs... Without light, they can't read the manual,
    and without the manual, they can't figure out how to change the light bulb.
A:  This can not be computed. Changing light bulbs is a *hardware* problem...
A:  Two. One to change the light bulb and one to make sure the stack of manuals
    doesn't tip over.
A:  One, once the documentation for the procedure is found in one of the 15
    manuals on the shelf.
A:  Well, it depends upon the platform on which one stands!
A:  Actually none, if you are willing to close your eyes to the (validity
    of the) output.
A:  It can't be done yet.  "Light bulb" is more than 8 characters long.
(Notes: I presume the above refers to some programming language called SAS ?)

Q:  How many APL hackers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A:  None.  There's a primitive for that.
(Notes : I don't do APL but I think a primitive is a procedure that is included
as a part of the language. You don't have to write code ("hack") to do it.)

Q:  How many data base people does it take to change a light bulb?
A:  Three:
      One to write the light bulb removal program,
      one to write the light bulb insertion program, and
      one to act as a light bulb administrator to make sure
          nobody else tries to change the light bulb at the same time.

Q:  How many tech writers does it take to change a lightbulb?
A:  None: "The user can work it out."
A:  Just one, provided there's a programmer around to explain how to do it.
A:  None: It should be obvious to an intelligent user.

Q:  How many Technical Support staff does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A:  "Well, we have an exact copy of your light bulb here and it seems to be 
    working OK. Can you be more specific about the exact problem ?..."
A:  I'm sorry, we don't support that kind of lighting technology.

Q:  How many WordPerfect support technicians does it take to change a 
    lightbulb?
A:  We have an exact copy of the light bulb here, and it seems to be
    working fine.  Can you tell me what kind of system you have?  Ok.
    Now, exactly how dark is it?  Ok, there could be four or five things
    wrong . . . have you tried the light switch?

Q:  How many MIS guys does it take to change a light bulb?
A:  MIS has received your request concerning your hardware problem,
    and has assigned your request Service Number 39712.  Please use this
    number for any future reference to this light bulb issue.  As soon
    as a technician becomes available, you will be contacted.

Q:  How many first-time computer users does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A:  One, but it takes him three hours and two phone calls to the electrician 
    before he realizes he forgot to turn the switch on.

Q:  How many experienced computer users does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A:  Dammit, why do they have to keep changing it ? Every bloody week. You'd've 
    thought they'd have learnt by now, if it's not broken they shouldn't bugger
    about with it. What's that ? It WAS broken this time you say ? *Blush*

Q:  How many PC users does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A:  Two. One to do it, but one to check the new bulb for viruses first.

Q:  How many IBM PC owners does it take to change a light bulb?
A:  Only one, but he'll have to go out and buy the light bulb adaptor card 
    first, which is extra.

Q:  How many Pentium designers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A:  None - it will be fined (fixed ?) in the next version.
A:  586 of them, and it will take them a year from the moment you convince 
    them that the lightbulb is not functioning per the spec.
A:  Three. One to screw in the bulb and the other to hold the ladder....
A:  1.99904274017, but that's close enough for non-technical people.
(Notes : This refers to the bug recently found in the Pentium. Under certain
circumstances during division the floating point unit loses one bit at the
end, thus reducing the accuracy. Intel has known about this bug for a few
months but didn't admit to it until users found out about it and made it
public. Now they downplay the severity of the bug by saying that it reduces
the accuracy only very little and that it occurs only very rarely. In one
statement they said that `only theoretical mathematicians' will ever notice
it and that non-technical people will not suffer from it.)

Q:  How many Macintosh engineers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A:  None - it has to be done by a local authorized dealer.

Q:  How many Macintosh users does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A:  One, but it costs $4000 and you have to replace the motherboard.
A:  Two: One to ask the socket to eject the old bulb, and one to insert
    the new one.
A:  Three: One to change the bulb, one to copyright the method for changing the
    bulb, and one to call in the lawyers on anyone who infringes on the "look 
    and feel" of the bulb changing method.
A:  Mac users don't screw, they just click the genital icon.
A:  Just one, but the new light bulbs aren't compatible with the old 
    sockets, so he has to buy a complete upgrade or a new light.
A:  None - there's no documentation available, so you have to
    wait until a third-party supplier comes out with a solution.
A:  Did you try rebooting with extensions off ?
    (Notes : On the Macintosh, certain types of crashes can sometimes be 
    attributed to not-quite-compatible extensions. One way to find out if one 
    of the extensions is at fault in a crash is to reboot with extensions off 
    and see if it crashes again.)

Q:  How many elephants does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A:  Two, but it has to be a pretty big light bulb!
A:  Only one, but it has to stand on a trunk to do it.
    (thus combining the themes of elephant jokes and lightbulb jokes...)
    (any improvements on these answers will be gratefully received...) 

Q:  Why did the lightbulb cross the road ?
A:  Because it saw 2 elephants coming.

Q:  How many mice does it take to screw in a lightbulb ?
A:  Only 1, but you have to cut a hole in the skirting board for it to get in.
A:  Only two, but the hard part is getting them into the light bulb.

Q:  How many insects does it take to screw in a lightbulb ?
A:  Only two. Well, how many do you think it should take?
    (Notes : Refers to the previous answer.)

Q:  How many medflies does it take to screw in a lightbulb ?
A:  None: they do it in the fruit.

(Notes : Medflies are very small flies (drosophila, I think) who eat, 
mate and lay their eggs in ripe fruit.)

Q:  How many televangelists does it take to screw in a lightbulb ?
A:  None. They screw in hotel rooms.

Q:  How many of Jed's followers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A:  FORNICATION!  It's a sin to screw anywhere, even in light bulbs.

Q:  How many circus performers does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A:  Four: One for the money, two for the show, three to get ready, and 
    four to go!
A:  Four.  One to change the bulb and three to sing, Ta da!

Q:  How many gas fitters does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A:  Three: One to turn up the day before when you're out, one to change
    the switch, and one to bring along the wrong kind of bulb.

Q:  How many Romanians does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A:  60,000 dead and 300,000 injured.
A:  None: Ceaucescu restricted them to use only one 40 watt bulb per
    family to save electricity.
A:  How many packs of cigarettes are you willing to give them?

Q:  How many tourists does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A:  Six: One to hold the bulb and five to ask for directions.

Q:  How many rednecks does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A:  Six.  They all beat the hell out of it, leave it lying in a dark alley and 
    brag about it in the pub afterwards.
A:  One, it only takes one person to use a hammer.
A:  Three, one to change the bulb, one to take care of the sheep, and one
    to observe and try to think why he isn't tending to the sheep's needs.
A:  Two, one to drive their home to the hardware store and one to buy the 
    bulb and screw it in.

Q:  How many Norwegians does is take to change a lightbulb?
A:  Two.  One to screw in the bulb and one to tell a _long_ story about it...

Q:  How many public opinion researchers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A:  With what degree of certainty do you need to know?

Q:  How many Greenpeace researchers does it take to change a light bulb?
A:  Two, one to put in the new one and one to recycle the old one.

Q:  How many Green Party members does it take to change a light bulb?
A:  None, they use light bulbs which don't burn out, so they don't know how.

Q:  How many trainspotters does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A:  Three. One to change it, one to write its serial number down, and
    one to bring the anoraks and the flask of soup.

Q:  How many Blue Peter presenters does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A:  Two. One to change it, and one to turn the old one into an attractive
    Christmas tree decoration.
A:  One to make the new bulb out of an empty loo roll and sticky back plastic.

Q:  How many people on Get Stuffed does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A:  Four. Two to trot merrily down to the shops to buy a new one, of whom
    person 1 then rips it unceremoniously out of its packaging and person 2
    starts to do the changing, and the 2 "Mystery Chefs" to interrupt and
    tell us he's doing it all wrong.

Q:  How many A & R men does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A:  None. "We're not changing any lightbulbs at the moment."
A:  None. "Well, I'm going to go out on a beam on this one, but I liked it
    better without the lightbulb."

Q:  How many Jocks (disk jockeys) does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A:  None.  That's a tech job.
[that joke is a *lot* funnier if you know a little bit about the 
wonderful world of commercial radio.  Suffice it to say that it is a 
highly unionized environment, and there is always a little friendly (?)
bickering between the technicians and the jocks. :-)]

Q:  How many Radio 1 DJs does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A:  Three. One to change it and two to resign over the changes.

Q:  Do you know how many musicians it takes to change a light bulb?
A:  No, big daddy, but hum a few bars and I'll fake it.
A:  Twenty.  One to hold the bulb, two to turn the ladder, and seventeen
    in on the guest list.
A:  Five.  One to screw in the light bulb and four to stand around
    and say, "Man, if I'd had his studio time, I could have done that."
A:  5, one to change the bulb and 4 to get in free because they
    know the guy who owns the socket.

Tourist:
    Do you know how many Welsh people it takes to change a lightbulb ?
Welsh Choir:
    No, but you sing it and we'll hum the tune in moving harmony...

Q:  How many tenors does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A:  Three - One to do it and two to stand there and tell each other
    how they could have done it better.

Q:  How many female opera singers does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A:  None. If they sing loudly enough they'll break it.

Q:  How many sopranos does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A:  Three. One to climb up the ladder, one to kick the ladder out from under 
    her and a third to say, "I knew that was too high for _you_ dear."
    (That laughter you hear is from the Alto Section.)

Q:  How many classical music singers does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A:  None - "Impossible. The altitude may put unnecessary strain on my vocal
    chords. Have the bassist do it."

Q:  How many conductors does it take to change a light bulb?
A:  Seven.  (Indignant nose upturned.)  Of course, I wouldn't expect
    YOU to understand.

Q:  How many country & western singers does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A:  Four. One to change it, one to sing about how heartbroken he is at the
    loss of the old one, one to sing about how madly in love she is with
    the new one, and one to go "Yeeeee-Hah !" and throw his hat in the air.

Q:  How many hicks from Manassas, VA does it take to change a lightbulb?
A:  Four.  One to do it and the other three to sit around and talk about how
    good the old one was.

Q:  How many folk singers does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A:  Five. One to change it, and four to sing about how good the old one was.

Q:  How many folk-dancers does it take to change a light-bulb?
A:  Just one, but they break a lot of bulbs, when they drop everything
    to get onto the dance-floor when they hear the introduction to a dance
    they want to do.

Q:  How many square dancers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A:  Four, and you have to walk them through it a few times.

Q:  How many Techno dancers does it take to change a light bulb?
A:  Six, one to wear it around the neck, one to bring ecstasy and give it
    to the dancer to distract him, one to steal the light bulb while the
    dancer is distracted and dazed from ecstasy, three to distract the 
    remaining crowd so they will not try to grab the bulb.

Q:  How many second violinists does it take to change a light bulb?
A:  None, they don't get up that high.

Q:  How many sax players does it take to change a light bulb?
A:  Sixty.  One to change the bulb and fifty-nine to talk about how
    much better Michael Brecker would have done it.
A:  Just one, but he has to go through a whole box to find just the right one.

Q:  How many alto sax players does it take to change a light bulb?
A:  Five.  One to handle the bulb, and four to contemplate how
    David Sanborn would've done it.

Q:  How many members of Marillion does it take to change a light-bulb?"
A:  Well, I thought it was going to be something to do with Fish (as in the
    ubiquitous surrealists joke,) but in fact the answer was only 2, but first 
    they had to figure out how Genesis would have done it. Apparently this
    would be hilarious to fans of these groups, who believe Marillion to be
    Genesis copycats.

Q:  How many members of Take That does it take to change a lightbulb?
A:  They can't sing, they can't dance so what makes you think they can 
    change a lightbulb?

Q:  How many banjo players does it take to change a light bulb?
A:  Just one, but all the others gathered 'round will complain that
    that's not the way EARL (Scruggs) would have done it.

Q:  How many contrabassoon players does it take to change a lightbulb?
A:  Five. One to hold the bulb and the other four to figure out the fingerings.
Q:  How many guitarists does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A:  Five. One to change it, and four to stand around going "Huh ! I could've
    done that !"
A:  5, one to do it and 4 to say that they liked it but would have done it a 
    bit differently.

Q:  How many bassists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A:  Five-one to do it and four to beat back all the guitarists who are
    trying to elbow him out of the spotlight.
A:  None. The keyboardist does it with his left hand.
A:  It doesn't matter.  Nobody will notice anyway.
A:  Just one, but the guitarist has to show him first

Q:  How many keyboardists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A:  One to light a candle and say it's just as good as electric light.
A:  None: "I've got a candle that looks just like it."
A:  Lightbulbs? C'mon, I got sunlight, fluorescent, candles-anything you want.
A:  "Oh, just one. But this bulb won't do. You want to use a 3-way bulb, but if
    you can afford it, I hear that next month GE will be coming out .... "
A:  Only one, but if you wait until next month, Yamaha will have a new
    model bulb out which is much better.
A:  Two: One to screw in the bulb, and one to patch it into the Korg.
A:  Two: One to change the bulb and one to say "Yeah, that sounds just like it."
    (With apologies for some slight overlapping of the answers here.)

Q:  How many drummers does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A:  Only one, but he'll break ten bulbs before figuring out that they can't 
    just be pushed in.
A:  One, but only after asking "Why?"
A:  Two: one to hold the bulb, and one to turn his throne (but only after
    they figure out that you have to turn the bulb).
A:  None.  They have a machine that does that now.
A:  10. One to change the lightbulb and the other 9 to dicuss how John Bonham 
    (or Steve Gadd) would have done it !
A:  One .. Two, and a-one two three four
    
Q:  How many bluegrass musicians it takes to change a light bulb?
A:  Two - one to screw it in and one to complain that it is electrified.
A:  Three, one to do it and two to argue about whether that was the way 
    Bill Monroe would have done it.
A:  It doesn't matter because the banjo player is gonna' change it
    again anyway after everybody else is done.
A:  They don't.  They only use acoustic light bulbs.

Q:  How many blues musicians does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A:  Two. One to go to Chicago because there might be a lightbulb there and 
    the other to play harp.
A:  Five. One to screw in the lightbulb, and four to play sad, blue songs 
    about the old, wornout lightbulb.

Q:  How many CD player users does it take to change a lightbulb?
A:  One, but the old bulb keeps getting stustustustustustustustustustuck

Q:  How many LP player users does it take to change a lightbulb?
A:  One, but the old bulb keeps getting stuck... getting stuck...
    getting stuck...
            
Q:  How many Dylan fans does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A:  The answer, my friend, is blowin' in the wind. The answer is blowin'
    in the wind.

Q:  How many Pet Shop Boys does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A:  Two. One to change it and one to sit around looking bored.

Q:  How many heavy metal fans does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A:  Three. One to change it and two to say "Excelleeeeeent !"

Q:  How many punk rockers does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A:  Two: One to screw in the bulb and the other to smash the old one on
    his forehead.
A:  Four.  "Why four?" I just recon it to be about four, pal.
A:  Three. One to do it and two to argue about who did it first.
    (Notes: refers to punk pastime of arguing about whether the first punk
    band was The Sex Pistols, The Damned, or The Dead Kennedys etc.)

Q:  How many crusties does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A:  Twelve. Crusty #1 yanks the old bulb out and crusty #2 is just about to
    put the new one in when crusties #3 and #4 stagger in and start arguing
    that it's their turn. In the ensuing squabble the bulb gets dropped on the
    floor and smashes. Then crusty #5 points out what a good laugh this is and
    so chief crusty (#6) dispatches crusties #7 and #8 to go down the shops to
    buy a new one. After having visited at least 2 off licences on the way,
    they find their way into the hardware shop. While crusty #7 is busily
    trying to buy 6 new bulbs for the princely sum of 10p each and a can of
    special brew, crusty #8 is busy liberating as many as will fit into his
    long grey shapeless overcoat's pockets. They are joined on the way back by
    crusties #9 and #10 whose names they've forgotten but they do at least
    *sound* familiar, and much frivolous hugging ensues until someone remembers
    what the trip down the shops was all about. On their way back into the
    squat they pass crusty #11, who has only just joined the group, and who is
    just on his way out to go and get his hair crimped. Anyway once inside, the
    lightbulbs are all smashed on the floor and the stereo is cranked up so the
    dancing can begin. At this point crusty #12 comes back in from a Levellers
    gig and collapses in a corner, only to find he is lying on something that
    makes a noise, which turns out to be the dog, holding the last unsmashed
    lightbulb in its mouth.

Q:  How many shaggy dogs does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A:  Fewer than it takes to screw in a heavy bulb.
    (Notes : Could someone please tell me if this is referring to anything...)

Q:  How many Goths does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A:  None. They prefer everything all black anyway.

Q:  How many Evangelists does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A:  33. One to do it, 2 to bask in its glory, and 30 to take
    collections in the bulb's name.

Q:  How many sorority sisters does it take to change a light bulb?
A:  Five. One to change the bulb, and four to make T-shirts. And optionally, we
    may add one fraternity to start the "wet T-shirt" contest!
A:  51. One to change the bulb, and fifty to sing about the bulb being changed.
    (Notes: sorority is the female version of brotherhood. And the joke is that
    during sorority rush, the sisters all greet their new would-be pledges by 
    standing out on the house steps and singing. You have to have been an 
    American undergraduate to really appreciate that one.)

Q:  How many frat (fat will do) guys does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A:  None.  Frat boys screw in puddles of vomit.
A:  Three: One to screw it in, and the other two to help him down off the keg.
A:  Five:  One to hold the bulb, and four to guzzle beer until the room spins.
(Commentary from an American on the last two : - "Frat" is short for 
"fraternity."  In college, many undergraduate males join a fraternity; girls 
join sororities.  There are many reasons for this, the most common being the 
"better" social life associated with the Greek system in general. (The Greek 
system encompasses both fraternities and sororities.)  "Frat guys" are 
stereotypically viewed as being stupid, sexist, party animals. "Sorority 
chicks" are seen as materialistic and promiscuous dim-wits. There are a lot of 
other sterotypes for both. I hope that this clears up any confusion.)

Q:  How many Americans does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A:  Two.  One to replace it and one to tell him it was burned out (in
    states that still have car-inspection laws.)
A:  Three.  One to stand on the ladder, and two to carry enough light
    bulbs until one is found that isn't defective.
A:  250,000,000, one to change it and 249,999,999 to debate whether it 
    it was politically correct.

Q:  How many Native Americans does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A:  None, they have council fires instead.

(Commentary from an American : "Native Americans" here doesn't refer to just 
any native American, it refers to American Indians. No, not people from India 
who live in America, but the modern descendants of the aboriginal peoples of 
the American continents. With me so far? A "council fire" is a social event for
these people, or for Boy Scouts, that is modeled after a practice that may or 
may not have been common among certain tribes of the American Northeast. As to 
why someone thinks this is a joke, I just don't know.)

Q:  How many Freudians does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A:  Two. One to hold the ladder and one to change the penis. Oops ! I mean,
    er, the lightbulb.

Q:  How many psychiatrists does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A:  Only one, but the lightbulb must want to change.
A:  None; the bulb will change itself when it is ready.
A:  How long have you been having this phantasy ?
A:  How many do *you* think it takes?

Q:  How many sex therapists does it take to change a light bulb?
A:  Two - one to screw it in and one to tell him he's
    screwing it in the wrong way.

Q:  How many witches does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A:  It depends on what you want them to change it into.

Q:  How many egotists does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A:  One. He holds onto the lightbulb, and waits for the world to 
    revolve around him.

Q:  How many roadies does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A:  One, two ! One, two ! One, two !
A:  None. "I don't do lights. That's the light crew's job."
A:  One: Upon finding no replacement, he takes the original apart, repairs it 
    with a chewing gum wrapper and duct tape, changes the screw mount to 
    bayonet mount, finds an appropriate patch cable, and re-installs the bulb
    fifty feet from where it should have been, to the satisfaction of the rest 
    of the band.

Q:  How many security guards at a Grateful Dead concert does it take to change 
    a lightbulb ?
A:  21: One to change the bulb, the rest to fatally beat the Deadhead who
    was only there to look at the light. (Deadhead = Fan of The Grateful Dead.)

Q:  How many Dead-Heads does it take to change a light bulb?
A:  10,001..... One to change the light bulb and 10,000 to follow the 
    burnt-out one!!       (Comment from me - Nice one !)

Q:  How many Frank Zappa's does it take to change a light bulb?
A:  None, the light bulb is not dead, it just smells funny.

(Explanation : Frank Zappa (being a jazz musician (among other styles)) 
commented on contemporary jazz: "Jazz is not dead--it just smells funny.")

Q:  How many Limbaugh-heads does it take to change a light bulb?
A:  The number is irrelevant; they just stand around muttering
    "ditto". And they don't do anything in the first place.
          
Q:  How many health food freaks does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A:  Two. One to remove the old one, and one to check the ingredients on 
    the new one.
    (But did they change it for health or philosophical reasons ?)

Q:  How many vegans does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A:  Two. One to change it and one to get out a copy of The Ethical Consumer (or
    similar) and discover to his/her horror that the manufacturer (Thorn 
    Lighting) is part of Thorn EMI who are involved in, errrr, I dunno, testing
    software on mainframes or making farms for 3rd world potaters or something.
A:  Dozens and dozens to go round selling raffle tickets so they can afford to
    buy the new one.
A:  Two, one to change it and one to phone round and cancel the party they were
    going to have to celebrate the old one burning brightly for 50 years.
A:  None. They are all too busy on much more important projects, like
    organising each other's lifts to the veggie restaurant meal.

Q:  How many people at a London Vegans meeting does it take to change a
    lightbulb ?
A:  All thirty. Well, actually it's only one, but he has to wait at least half
    an hour while the others read out all the announcements.

Q:  How many macrobiotics does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A:  Three. One to make the coffee, one to get the cigarettes, and one to ask
    Michio Kushi for instructions.

Q:  How many old macrobiotics does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A:  Five. One to change it, three to hold the ladder, and one to call the
    ambulance.

Q:  How many young macrobiotics does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A:  None. They all sit in a circle, watching the old macrobiotics, and think
    beautiful thoughts.

Q:  How many monkeys does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A:  Two. One to do it and one to scratch his bum.
    (with eternal thanks to David Cutmore for this timeless classic.)

Q:  How many dinosaurs does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A:  It takes thousands of dinosaurs millions of years......cos they have to
    evolve deposable thumbs so that they can grip the bulb to screw it in. :)

Q:  How many antelopes does it take to change a lightbulb?
A:  None. They are hardy animals that migrate between tundra and wide open 
    plains and therefore have no need for an artificial light source.

Q:  How many Jewish mothers in law does it take to change a lightbulb ?
    (cue typical accent, shoulders hunched...)
A:  None! I don't mind sitting here in the dark vilst u goes out enjoying
    yourselves.....
A:  None, they'll just sit in the dark, they know you can't be
    bothered to do a simple thing like change a lightbulb for them,
    and after all they've done for you...
A:  Three. One to screw it in and two to gossip about it behind her back.

Q:  How many Jews does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A:  Three - one to call the cleaning lady and the other two to feel guilty
    about having to call the cleaning lady.

Q:  How many holocaust revisionists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A:  None, they just deny the bulb ever went out in the first place.

Q:  How many Ethiopians does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A:  Three. One to change it and two to squabble over who gets to eat the
    packaging.

Q:  How many college students does it take to change a lightbulb?  
A:  I dunno, I forgot my calculator at home.

Q:  How many university students does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A:  Two. One to fuse all the electrics while doing something silly, and one 
    to phone the landlord to ask for the lightbulb to be changed.
A:  31. Ten to vote on whether the light bulb needs changing, whether they 
    should join the Lightbulbs Union first and then what to call the new 
    lightbulb - (the Nelson Mandela lightbulb ?), one to put it in...
    and twenty to have a pissup after to celebrate a good days work...

Q:  How many boarding school students does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A:  None, they have their parents do it for them.
 
Q:  How many off-campus landlords does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A:  None. The students will just wreck it, anyhow, so why bother?

Q:  How many Chinese students does it take to change a lightbulb?  
A:  Twelve: one to screw in the lightbulb, one to sit in the jail, 
    and ten to demonstrate on the streets.

Q:  How many engineering students does it take to change a lightbulb?
A:  One, but the rest of the class copies the report.

Q:  How many law students does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A:  Two. One to change it and announce "Huh ! When I'm around the rulebook gets
    defenestrated !" and the other to complain about the hipopotamonstrosesqi
    (can't remember the end of this word) end of his friend's last remark.

Q:  How many first year civil engineering students does it take to 
    change a lightbulb ?
A:  None. That's a second year subject.

Q:  How many laboratory heads (senior researchers, etc.) does it take to
    change a lightbulb?
A:  Five; one to change the lightbulb, the other four to stand around
    arguing whether he/she is taking the right approach.

Q:  How many research technicians does it take to change a lightbulb?
A:  One, but it'll probably take him/her three or four tries to get it right.

Q:  How many post-doctoral fellows does it take to change a lightbulb?
A:  One, but it'll probably take three or four tries to get it right because
    he/she will probably give it to the technician to do.

Q:  How many graduate students does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A:  Only one, but it may take upwards of five years for him to get it done.
A:  It all depends on the size of the grant.
A:  Two and a professor to take credit.
A:  1/100. A graduate student needs to change 100 lightbulbs a day.
A:  I don't know, but make my stipend tax-free, give my advisor a
    $100,000 grant of the taxpayer's money, and I'm sure he can tell me
    how to do the work for him so he can take the credit for answering this 
    incredibly vital question.

Q:  How many pre-med students does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A:  One hundred; one to change the lightbulb, the other ninety-nine to stand
    around wondering why they weren't chosen.
A:  None, pre-meds don't screw, they study.
A:  Five:  One to change the bulb and four to pull the ladder
    out from under him.
    (Notes: The joke is that getting into med school is extremely competitive.)

Q:  How many medical students does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A:  None. They are too busy propping up the bar.

Q:  How many computer studies students does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A:  None. They are far too busy hacking.

Q:  How many maths students does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A:  20. One to change it and the rest to watch and discuss how exciting it is.

Q:  How many school teachers does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A:  Let's see: 2 A+'s, 3 A's, 5 A-'s, 11 B+'s, 9 B's, 21 B-'s...
A:  None. Anything not completed during the lesson is added to the homework.
A:  One if at home, but on school time, four.
A:  On the space shuttle, 1,000,001. One to screw it in and a 
    million to pick up the pieces.

Q:  How many Ph.D  thesis supervisors (advisors) does it take to change 
    a lightbulb?
A:  Only one;  but every time they see a lightbulb they have an irresistible
    urge to change it!

Q:  How many professors does it take to change a light bulb?
A:  Just one, but once we get tenure, we don't change anymore.
A:  Only one, but they get three tech. reports out of it.

Q:  How many law professors does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A:  Hell, you need 250 just to lobby for the research grant.

Q:  How many Stanford researchers does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A:  Three.  One to hold the ladder, one to turn the bulb, and one to 
    bill the government for the house.

Q:  How many Stanford professors does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A:  One to write a paper claiming that light is a pig whitey invention, one to 
    organize a Darkness Studies program, and one hundred to protest the Diablo
    Canyon Nuclear Generating Station.

Q:  How many academics does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A:  None. That's what research students are for.
A:  Five: One to write the grant proposal, one to do the mathematical
    modelling, one to type the research paper, one to submit the paper for
    publishing, and one to hire a student to do the work.

Q:  How many sheep does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A:  Twenty-one. One to change it and twenty to follow him round while he looks
    for a new one.

Q:  How many homophobes does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A:  First, they can't be sure the socket's feminine, and second, they'd
    really rather the bulbs stayed in the closet where they belong.
A:  It obviously has to be done by just one. They don't screw around with
    other men.
A:  Two: One to do it, and one to get the sterile rubber gloves because
    it's possible that a gay touched the bulb before him.

Q:  How many gay men does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A:  Three, one to screw in an Art Deco bulb and two to shriek "Fabulous!"
A:  None, they get screwed in the ass instead.
A:  Hey, don't let's talk about the lightbulb, honey, let's talk about 
    the shade !
A:  Two. One to change it and one to grow a droopy moustache.

Q:  How many lesbians does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A:  Sixty-nine.
A:  Three.  One to screw it in and two to talk about how much better it
    is than with a man.
A:  Two, one to do it and one to make a video documentary about it.
A:  Two. One to screw it in real good and one to call the gynaecologist.

Q:  How many prostitutes does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A:  None. "Who needs lights ?"
A:  None - they get screwed - they don't usually do the screwing.

Q:  How many orgy attenders does it take to change a lightbulb?
A:  As many as possible, and don't *ask* what they do with the old bulb.

Q:  How many phone perverts does it take to change a lightbulb?
A:  GASP GASP The interesting thing PANT here is what GASP are they
    wearing when they do it? GASP GASP AHH AHHHHHhhh

Q:  How many massage parlor attendants does it take to change a light bulb?
A:  Whatever number turns you on, big boy.

Q:  How many women does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A:  (It's a very simple task, so...) None. "It's a man's job."
A:  None, they all get electrocuted trying to excite the socket.
A:  Three: one to take out the old one, one to sweep up the broken glass and 
    another to phone her boyfriend to put the new one in.

Q:  How many feminists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A:  Two..............IS THERE SOMETHING WRONG WITH THAT?????!!!!???	
A:  100.  One to change it, and 99 to wring their hands and agonize about how 
    oppressed the socket is.
A:  How old-fashioned.  The other 99 are there to lobby Congress to outlaw
    crimes against sockets -- and to say the bulb-changer is not a 
    representative of mainstream feminism.        
A:  Who cares as long as one of 'em sucks my cock.
A:  11. One to DO IT ALL BY HERSELF!!!! And 10 to form a survivors of darkness 
    support group!
A:  Seven. One to change the lightbulb, three to protest the offense committed 
    by the lightbulb in regards to the socket, two to secretly wish they were 
    the socket, and one to secretly wish she was the lightbulb.
A:  Three - one to do it, the others to consider unscrewing it before it's a 
    third of the way in.
A:  None. It's not the lightbulb that needs changing.
A:  Five, four to try like men and fail miserably, one to find a female 
    electrician, settle for a man and picket as he works.
A:  Two - one to change the bulb and one to write about how it feels.
A:  Two - one to change it and one to threaten to do a Lorena Bobbitt on any
    man who tries to interfere.
A:  Three - one to screw it in and two to talk about the sexual implications.
A:  "Hey man, screwing objectifies the LB" 
A:  50,000 marching on Ottawa (or Washington) demanding the LB be changed!
A:  That depends.  If there is money in it, it takes 10 women-only-government-
    contractors working 2 years at a salary of $50,000 per year.
    Otherwise, it's traditionally expected for the man to do it.
A:  Ten: To form a university funded protest committee to research how the 
    white male patriarchy conspires to keep women and minorities in the dark.
A:  Two.  One to threaten that as a mother, she will be unable to provide her 
    children light without federal assistance; and a N.O.W. attorney to ask 
    the Justice Department to sue GE for allowing the bulb to go out in the 
    first place.
A:  Nobody knows.  But everyone knows that women and minorities
    will suffer more than anyone else because it's dark.
A:  None.  Women have a supreme court, constitionally protected
    right to work in the dark if they choose to.
A:  It's sexual harassment to even SUGGEST jokingly on the net that
    a woman SCREW in anything.  This posting will be banned by the FCC.
A:  One.  But if the bulb IS replaced, the job will go to a minority
    or woman contractor.
A:  30,000 to start a letter writing campaign protesting Newt Gingrich 
    cutting off funds for the Federal Light Bulb Changing Agency...
A:  Three.  One to screw it in, and two to file a sexual harrassment 
    lawsuit on behalf of the bulb.
A:  Two.  One to wait for a federal agency to send someone to screw it in.   
    Another to file harassment charges against the men possibly
    looking at her in the dark.
A:  Feminists don't screw at all.  That's what sperm banks are for!
A:  If a feminist does screw in a light bulb, it will be up to the government
    or the father to support any children resulting from such a sexual act.
    She will also require free day care for the light bulb children and federal
    funding for studies of how light-bulb children should be treated under 
    affirmative action hiring quotas.
A:  Unknown.  But the federal government's welfare reform will limit the
    number of free light bulbs a woman can receive to under 2 years supply.
A:  One.  But if she was a WHITE MALE (like Donald Trump), she would be
    able to replace the light bulb much easier.
A:  One.  And when she replaces it, she will think of Mother Earth and use a
    fluorescent lamp designed to last 3 times longer and protect the 
    environment...  But if a man isn't paying for it, then she will use
    the cheapest one.
A:  Two, one to change it and one to tell her she did a really good job.
A:  That's not funny, abusive white male aggressor!!
A:  One!  And it's not funny!  (stamping foot)
Q': How many 'Cliffie girls does it take to change a light bulb?
A': It's "Radcliffe Women" and it's not funny!

(Notes: Radcliffe is the all-women's college near Harvard that used to be where
women went before Harvard went co-ed. Since then it has earned a reputation for 
militant feminism as it has remained all-female. The joke is on feminists' 
supposed failure to laugh along at deprecatory remarks.)

Q:  How many `Real Men' does it take to change a light bulb?
A:  None:  `Real Men' aren't afraid of the dark.

Q:  Why did the `Real Man' sit in the dark?
A:  He couldn't find a new light bulb and was too embrassed to ask.

Q:  How many George Smillivitches does it take to change a lightbulb?
A:  None, becouse tough girls aren't afraid of the dark.

Q:  How many `Real Women' does it take to change a light bulb?
A:  None:  A `Real Woman' would have plenty of real men around to do it,
    and one of them can change the bulb while he's at it.

Q:  How many men does it take to screw in a lightbulb ?
A:  Only one, but you have to nag him for a fortnight first.
A:  One, and one more to change it, and one more to keep track of how many
    there are, and a woman to soothe their minds and provide wax jobs.
A:  None. Men don't screw-in lightbulbs; they think they can turn them on
    just by rubbing up against them.
A:  Four.  One to do the job and three to listen to him brag about the
    screwing part.
A:  One -- men will screw anything.

Q:  How many sexists does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A:  None. Let the bitch cook in the dark.
A:  None. They have the girls do it.

Q:  How many new men does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A:  Two. One to change it and one to hold the baby.
A:  None. The consensus of opinion appears to be that there is no such 
    thing as a genuine new man, and in any event, the media, who like 
    telling us what we all like, have declared that women don't really go 
    for new men anyway, but instead prefer more masculinity nowadays.

Q:  How many new romantics does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A:  Two. One to change it and one to say "Wow, what an amazing concept, man !"

Q:  How many VMM members does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A:  None. They don't turn up for anything any more. (A little bit of
    bitterness there from Brian.)
A:  Eleven. One to remove the old one and ten to stand around discussing 
    what they all want to do next.
    (Notes : VMM=Vegetarian Matchmakers, a singles group where nobody ever
    puts their foot down and demands that anyone should do anything.)

Q:  How many new-agers does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A:  Ten. One to actually do it, and nine to stand around going "Hmmm well I
    don't really mind who does it. I mean, I COULD do it, but of course I 
    woudn't want to impose my will upon anyone else..."
A:  Two. One to change it & one to check the new one for bad psychic auras.(and
    optionally another dozen to perform the dance of the renewal of the light.)
A:  Two.  One to screw it in and one to check the astrology.
A:  Two. One to change it and one to work out whether it'll work in the future.
 
Q:  How many visitors to an art gallery does it take to screw in a light bulb ?
A:  2. One to do it and one to say "Huh ! My four-year old could've done that!"

Q:  How many fine artists does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A:  Ten. One to change it, and nine to reassure him about how good it looks.

Q:  How many French farmers does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A:  Three. Farmer #1 goes away and gets a new lightbulb. Farmer #2 notices
    that it has been imported from Britain and promptly sets fire to it, so 
    farmer #1 has to go and get another one, and then farmer #3 changes it.
    (Notes: Topical to French farmers setting fire to imported British sheep.)

Q:  How many Ku Klux Klansmen does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A:  One hundred-one to do it and the others to stand around solemnly and
    watch the old bulb burn.

Q:  How many white trash pickup truck driven cheap beer drinkin cable tv 
    pirating obnoxious belchin americanos does it take to screw in a LIGHTBULB.
A:  None, they wouldn't have noticed it needed changing.  Even if they did
    they'd get someone else to do it.
A:  One, but he'll be too busy touting the superiority of the soft white 
    variety over all others.

Q:  How many racists does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A:  The question is irrelevant since you can never find anyone that admits to
    being a racist even if you knew how many you were looking for. Instead,
    they tend to say things like "Well I'm not a racist, BUT ....."

Q:  How many Alaskan women does it take to change a light bulb?
A:  "Hey Bob, this is Carol ... I think I have a lightbulb out over here."
          
Q:  How many Alaskan men does it take to change a lightbulb?
A:  Oh, none ... they just have one of their girlfriends do it. [bitter laugh]

Q:  How many Beverly hills realtors does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A:  Three: one to screw it in and two to learn Arabic.
(Notes : Realtor is a person who deals in real-estate, the joke refers to the 
many arabs who are moving to high-class neigbourhoods in the United States.)

Q:  How many Beverly Hills residents does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A:  None, they have a service come in and do that.

Q:  How many Austinites/Berkeleyites/Boulderites does it take to
    change a light bulb?
A:  Five.  One to change the bulb and four to talk about how much
    better it was in the Sixties.

Q:  How many northern Californians does it take to screw in a lightbulb ?
A:  None of your f***ing business and have a nice day.

Q:  How many Californians does it take to screw in a lightbulb ?
A:  Three - one to change the light bulb and two to say "Oh Wow!"
A:  Five - one to screw it in and four to sit in the hot tub and discuss
    the environmental impact.
A:  Eleven. One to change it and ten to follow the trend.
A:  Six. One to screw it in, one for support, and four to share the experience.
    (I also heard this joke told about new-agers.)
    (This joke was once overheard being told by a lecturer to a class of
    students during a lecture, in order to make a point about the fact that
    only one student was doing any work at the terminal while a whole bunch 
    had crowded round to watch - sharing the experience of him doing the work.)

Q:  How many Oregonians does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A:  Six.  One to screw in the lightbulb and five to fend off all those
    Californians trying to share the experience.
A:  Nine.  One to change the bulb, and eight to protest about the nuclear
    power plant that generates the electricity that powers it.

Q:  How many mathematicians does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A:  None.  It's left to the reader as an exercise.
A:  Just one, once you've managed to present the problem in terms he/she 
    is familiar with.
A:  One.  He gives it to six Oregonians, thereby simplifying the
    problem to the previous question.

    In earlier work, Wiener [1] has shown that one mathematician
    can change a light bulb.

    If k mathematicians can change a light bulb, and if one more simply
    watches them do it, then k+1 mathematicians will have changed the
    light bulb.

    Therefore, by induction, for all n in the positive integers,
    n mathematicians can change a light bulb.

    Bibliography:

    [1] Weiner, Matthew P., [11485@ucbvax], "Re: YALBJ", 1986

Q:  How many statisticians does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A:  This should be determined using a nonparametric procedure, since
    statisticians are NOT NORMAL.
A:  Walt Pirie to hold the bulb and one psychologist, one economist,
    one sociologist and one anthroplogist to pull away the ladder.
A:  One -- plus or minus three (small sample size).
(Notes: Someone has been asking this as a bonus question on statistics exam 
papers for quite a while. Judging from some of his own students' exam answers, 
it depends on whether the lightbulb is negatively or positively screwed.)

Q:  How many yuppies does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A:  Two. One to mix the gin n tonics, and one to phone the electrician. 
    (Firstly, yuppies nowadays drink expensive imported lagers...)
    (Secondly, this is meant to be told about Sloane Rangers, but
    most people didn't seem to have a clue what that meant so I changed it.)

Q:  How many New Yorkers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A:  None 'o yo' damn business!
A:  50.  50?  Yeah 50; its in the contract.
A:  Five - one to change the bulb and four to protect him from muggers.
A:  21 - one to change it and 20 to watch it happen without trying to stop it.
A:  Two-one to get murdered under the burnt-out bulb and the other to 
    replace it after the ensuing publicity.

Q:  How many Union Electricians does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A:  Seventeen - One to give the bulb to the screw-inner. One to screw in the
    bulb. One to hold him on the step ladder. Four to hold the step ladder 
    steady. One to flick the switch to test the bulb. One to make sure that the
    other bulbs in the room will need fixing. One to supervise. Two to take a 
    coffee break, one to eat lunch, and one to nap. One to plot the best way 
    of breaking into the apartment at night. One to drink gin n tonics with 
    the yuppies.

Q:  How many British trades unionists does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A:  None. They cannot interfere with the lightbulb's inalienable right to
    withdraw its labour.

Q:  How many politically correct people does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A:  None. "Why should we impose our values on the lightbulb ? If it wishes to
    be a lightbulb of no light, we should respect its uniqueness and
    individuality."

Q:  How many gay rights activists does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A:  None: The bulb shouldn't have to change for society to accept it.

Q:  How many small-town people does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A:  Two, one to do it and a cop to make sure he isn't doing it too fast.

Q:  How many suburbanites does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A:  One, but it has to look like every other light bulb on the block.

Q:  How many residents of country towns does it take to screw in a lightbulb ?
A:  None, they're afraid there's been too much development already.

Q:  How many people about to move out of the city does it take to screw
    in a light bulb?
A:  They don't bother, the neighborhood's been turning black anyway.

Q:  How many humans does it take to change a light bulb?
A:  Not sure; I only know it takes only one to press the button which 
    obliterates them all. The problem is estimating how many thousand years 
    will be required to rediscover the technology to manufacture more and 
    replace them.

Q:  How many nuclear engineers does it take to change a light bulb?
A:  Seven.  One to install the new bulb and six to figure out what to do
    with the old one for the next 10,000 years.

Q:  How many Ukrainians does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Q:  How many survivors of a nuclear war does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A:  None, because people who glow in the dark don't need light bulbs.
A:  None, you just hold it up and it glows by itself.

Q:  How many quantum physicists does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A:  One. Two to do it, and one to renormalise the wave function.
    (Explanation - Renormalising the wave function is something that has to be
    done to a lot of quantum physics calculations to stop the answer being
    infinity and makes the answer always come out as one.)

Q:  How many quantum mechanicians does it take to change a light bulb?
A:  They can't.  When they get the socket to hold still, they can't find it.
A:  They can't. If they know where the socket is, they cannot locate the
    new bulb.

Q:  How many Heisenbergs does it take to change a light bulb?
A:  If you know the number, you don't know where the light bulb is.
A:  If you know how many, you can't know if they've done it yet.
A:  If you want to know how many, you can observe them as they
    come in the door. But if not observed, they come in waves.
A:  The probability that the light bulb will actually be changed
    in any time interval is independent of how long you've been waiting.

Q:  How many scientists does it take to change a light bulb?
A:  None. They use them as controls in double blind trials.

Q:  How many company biotechnologists does it take to change a light bulb?
A:  Four; one to write the proposal, one to design the bulb-changer, one to 
    design the bulb-fetcher, and one to design the bulb.

Q:  How many freelance biotechnologists does it take to change a light bulb?
A:  One; he designs the bulb to crawl up the wall, unscrew the old one and 
    screw itself in.

Q:  How many jugglers does it take to change a light bulb?
A:  One, but it takes at least three light bulbs.

Q:  How many Valley Girls does it take to change a light bulb?
A:  Oooh, like, manual labor?  Gag me with a spoon!  For sure.
    (Notes: Valley Girls is a term used to describe a category of young females
    from certain parts of California who are noted among other things for using
    vast quantities of previously non-existent slang.)
          
Q:  How many Essex Girls does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A:  None, they only screw in Cortinas.
          
Q:  How many gorillas does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A:  Only one, but it sure takes a shitload of light bulbs!

Q:  How many veterinarians does it take to change a light bulb?
A:  Three. One to change the bulb and two more to complain that an MD makes
    ten times as much for the same procedure!!

Q:  How many dentists does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A:  Three. One to administer the anaesthetic, one to extract the lightbulb, 
    and one to offer the socket some vile pink mouthwash.

Q:  How many doctors does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A:  That depends on whether it has health insurance.
A:  Three. One to find a bulb specialist, one to find a bulb
    installation specialist, and one to bill it all to Medicare.
A:  None. They just tell it to take two asprin and come round 
    to the surgery later.
A:  None. They only sign the death certificate and phone the mortuary.
A:  None. They would diagnose depression and prescribe benzo diazapines.
A:  Only one, but he has to have a nurse to tell him which end to screw in.

Q:  How many surgeons does it take to change a light bulb?
A:  None. They would wait for a suitable donor and do a filament transplant.
A:  Three.  They'd also like to remove the socket as you aren't using it now.

Q:  How many orthopedic surgeons does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A:  Why don't you just let us take out the socket ?  You aren't using it 
    anyway, and it will only cause you trouble later.

Q:  How many chiropractors does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A:  Only one, but it takes nine visits.

Q:  How many physiotherapists does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A:  None. They just give the dead bulb some exercises to do and hope it will
    be working a bit better the next time they see it.
    (I made this one up, based on my own experience of NHS injury fixing.)

Q:  How many emergency room technicians does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A:  One, but the bulb will have to spend 45 minutes in the waiting room.

    (From the Daily Mail.)
Q:  How many NHS hospital staff does it take to change a lightbulb ?
    ("funny" version)
A:  Six. One to diagnose the problem, one to take an X-ray, one to wheel in the
    replacement on a trolley, one to apply an anaesthetic, one to do the
    delicate operation, and one to examine the late bulb in a post-mortem.
    (Allegedly true version - believe it if you will.)
A:  Six. Person (1) reports bulb is not working and requests a new one. 
    Department supervisor (2) sends order form to maintenance department. 
    Maintenance department clerk (3) decides whether to make it priority case. 
    Job booked. Supervisor (4) decides whether it should be done individually 
    or with other jobs. Order is placed in maintenance man's pigeonhole. 
    Maintenance man (5) fills in ticket describing job. He picks up the parts 
    needed. He goes to scene of faulty lightbulb. He fits bulb or discovers he 
    cannot mend light. He returns to department and reports back. He completes 
    work ticket putting this in writing. Work ticket is checked by maintenance 
    department to see whether order carried out. Then checked to see task 
    completed in time set out under department guidelines. Ticket filed. Member
    of department (6) checks ticket against department work plan. Details go
    into department's workload report.

Three more allegedly true stories : - (I'm sure there's a moral somewhere...)

  While in Poland, a friend needed a light bulb replaced in his hotel
  room.  He called the front desk and several minutes later three men
  arrived to perform the task.

It really happened to me 2 years ago in one of the best hotels in Bukarest, 
Romania. I was led to a room with no light. No bulbs. After complaining, I 
was  shown another room, rather than having the bulb replaced. The new room 
did have lights on the ceiling, but the nightlights near the bed were out. 
So I complained again, and they sent someone up to do it. He brought a 
functioning new lamp identical to the one next to the bed. Then he removed 
the bulb from the new lamp, screwed it into the old lamp, took the new lamp 
and left. I was rather stunned...
Here is a true story with a slightly different spin.

Several of my librarian colleagues and I were gathered by the reference
desk chatting. A professor approached and asked "What's going on? I've never
seen so many librarians at one time."
"We're changing a lightbulb." replied one of my colleagues.

Q:  What is the difference between a pregnant woman and a light bulb?
A:  You can unscrew a light bulb.

Q:  How many body builders does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A:  6. One to change it and 5 to say "Man, you've got huge muscles !"
    (Apparently body builders admire each other's muscles.)

Q:  How many Cosmopolitan readers does it take to change a light-bulb?
A:  Two, one to change the light-bulb and one to have an orgasm with the 
    old one.

Q:  How many Sun readers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A:  10.  One to hold the bulb and nine to rotate the ladder.
A:  None, but one is enough to screw up the joke.

Q:  How many blondes does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A:  Duh.... whats a lightbulb???
A:  It depends how many blondes there are, but some people prefer 
    it with the lights off.

Q:  How many [ethnics] does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A:  We don't know yet.  No [ethnic] has ever tried to attempt this
    complex (by [ethnic] standards) technical feat.

Q:  How many strong [ethnics] does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A:  115.  One to hold the bulb and 114 to rotate the house.

Q:  How many [ethnic] gods does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A:  Two.  One to hold the bulb and the other to rotate the planet.

Q:  How many poltergeists does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A:  Three. One to unscrew the old bulb and drop it on the floor, one to put the
    new bulb in, and one to move a few more things about just for good measure.

Q:  How many nihilists does it take to change a light bulb?
A:  There is nothing to change.

Q:  How may Unitarians does it take to change a light bulb?
A:  Three.  One to write a solemn statement which will affirm that:
        o This light bulb is natural, a part of the universe, and evolved
          over many years by small steps,
        o There must be no discrimination against dark bulbs in any
          form, and means must be found for all dark bulbs to take their
          place alongside light bulbs on a basis of equality,
        o We affirm the right of all bulbs to screw into the sockets of
          their choice regardless of the bulb's illumination preference,
          and
        o We seek for each light bulb the fullest opportunity to develop
          itself to its full electrical potential.
    A second Unitarian to read this statement, even if he or she is
    the only human being to do so, and then write the obligatory
    criticism and dissent, and a third Unitarian to light a single
    candle instead of cursing the darkness.

Q:  How many fatalists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A:  Sod it, we're all gonna die anyway.

Q:  How many philosophers does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A:  Hmmm... well there's an interesting question isn't it ?
A:  Three. One to change it and two to stand around arguing over
    whether or not the lightbulb exists.
A:  Define "lightbulb".................

Q:  How many Mensans does it take to change a light bulb?
A:  None. The bulb isn't bright enough.
A:  None. The dim bulbs aren't "changed," they are humanely euthanized.
A:  66. Eleven philosophers to ponder whether it is possible to actually do 
    anything; ten semanticists to debate the various possible meanings of each 
    phrase, word, and syllable; nine columnists to write about it from 
    radically different viewpoints; eight letter writers to respond vehemently 
    with opposing points of view; seven Quibblers who delight in pointing out 
    others' mistakes (_what_ is said is not as important as saying it 
    correctly); six conservatives who believe things should stay the way they 
    are; five liberals who believe that action should be taken immediately to 
    form a committee to study possible actions; four ornery SOBs who disagree 
    on principal with anything anyone else has suggested; three peacemakers who
    believe it's more important to work it out without showing any more 
    emotions than necessary to get it done; two statisticians who maintain that
    numbers are more important than facts; and one pragmatist to ignore the BS 
    and replace the bad bulb with a good one. Whilst all this is going on, all
    the Mensans are keeping count in their heads just to make absolutely sure
    that it really does add up to 66.

Q:  How many lexicographers does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A:  Two. One to change it and one to protest that he should have
    changed it to "light bulb".

Q:  How many atheists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A:  None. They're never in the dark.
A:  None. Atheists question whether it's really light anyway.
A:  None. Atheists never "see the light" anyway do they ?

Q:  How many light bulbs does it take to fix an atheist?
A:  It doesn't matter. They wouldn't glow anyway.

(Notes : Many icons and other religious artworks describe christian 
saints and biblical figures glowing with light.)
 
Q:  How many Zen masters does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A:  None. The Universe spins the bulb, and the Zen master stays out of the way.
A:  A tree in a golden forest.
A:  Two: one to change the bulb and one not to change it.
A:  One to change and one not to change is fake Zen.  The true Zen
    answer is Four.  One to change the bulb.
A:  None. Zen masters carry their own light.
A:  Three.  Two to fetch the wood and one to enlighten the novice.
A:  It doesn't matter how many Zen Masters it takes to change a
lightbulb, just so long as
	First there is a lightbulb
	Then there is no lightbulb
	Then there is


(Notes : This would probably be funny to someone who knows about Zen Buddhism.
Perhaps main the joke is that a Zen master doesn't do anything, he just IS. Zen 
masters always have those ancient wise sayings for every situation (2nd 
answer). 3rd and 4th answers refer to the Zen philosophy of life, on which I'm 
no expert. 5th answer I guess refers to the deep wisdom they claim to have.)

Q:  How many Mahayana Buddhists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A:  Four - One to screw in the light bulb, one to not screw in the light bulb,
    one to not not screw in the light bulb, and one to not do any of those.

Q:  How many Boddhisattvas does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A:  One - "If the thunder don't get you, then the lightning will"

Q:  How many Hindus does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A:  Two.  One to screw it in and one to do the puja.
    (Notes: PUJA is a religious ceremony.)

Q:  How many Taoists does it take to change a light bulb?
A:  You cannot change a light bulb.  By its nature it will go out again.

Q:  How many Muslims does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A:  None. If the lightbulb has died, it is the will of Allah, and it
    would be blasphemy to attempt to change it.

Q:  How many Islamic fundamentalists does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A:  300 million --- one to take out the old one, the rest to look for
    Salman Rushdie in the dark.

Q:  How many Quakers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A:  Ten to sit around in a circle until one feels the inner light.

Q:  How many Hari Krishnas does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A:  Ten, one to do it and the rest to dance around, play the tambourine,
    chant, and sing lots of songs using only the words "Hari Krishna."

Q:  How many Branch Davidians does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A:  None, they provide their own illumination.
A:  Nine, one to do it and the other eight to find a leg for him to stand on.

Q:  How many Roman Catholics does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A:  Two - one to screw it in, and another to repent.
A:  Two, one to do it and a priest to hear him confess and give the old
    bulb last rites.
A:  They don't. It's been like that for 2000 years and there's no precedent
    for lightbulb changing.

Q:  How many Christians does it take to change a light bulb?
A:  Three, but they're really only one.
A:  200!!! 100 to sit in church and pray long sonorous prayers for it to see 
    the light again, 10 to stand on street corners and point out to others how 
    that if they don't accept what they're being told, their light might go out
    as well, 3 to try and exorcise the demon of darkness out of the lightbulb,
    2 to gather together in "the name of the lord" because where two or more
    are gathered together in "his" name....., 10 to write to the alt.satanism 
    newsgroup to inform them that one of their own lights is having trouble 
    paying the electric bill (as if that'll convince us all to change our 
    beliefs), 74 to try and convince it to publicly "admit" its sins so the 
    lord can make it bright again, and 1 true idiot telling the lightbulb that 
    if it really wants to be saved that all it has to do is accept some paper 
    god and pledge it 10% of its income and at least 1 day a week of time and 
    at least insult and generally bug 5+ people a day recounting how "I used 
    to be a satanist" (no, really - gasp) and now I've found the light. Yes, do
    all of this - and the light will just, by the will of god, come back on -
    unless god is just "testing" the lightbulb, then it may stay dark forever.

Q:  How many Christian fundamentalists does it take to change a light bulb?
A:  None. The Bible doesn't mention light bulbs.

[The next 2 items were forwarded to me by someone who found them on some 
religious humour mailing list.]

> No, in fact it takes several dozen Episcopalians.  They form a committee that 
> meets weekly to discuss the project and, if unusually expeditious, within 18 
> months will have remanded the project to the building and grounds committee.

Of course, I can't speak for Episco-******-palians, but down here in the
Anglican Church of Australia, we do it thus:

Light-bulb changing is placed on the agenda of the National Synod, where
much heat is generated (no light --- the bulb needs changing) in discussion
of the sex and status of light-bulb changers. The anglo-catholics insist
that God has devolved the sacramental office of light-provider (see Genesis
1) onto the ordained male priests of His Church. The evangelicals from the
diocese of Sydney agree that light-bulb changing is the proper province of
males, since  the Bible states that not a few virgins (female) allowed
their lamps to go out, thus proving  that women can't be trusted in the
realm of illumination.  However, they disagree about the exclusion of male
laiety, arguing that since lay-persons are allowed to mend fuses, a
function closely related to the provision of light, there is no reason why
they shouldn't go the whole hog and change the bulb as well.

 AWFUL (Anglican Women For Unlimited Light) demonstrates outside the
building, and the debate makes the national daily papers.

 Some pragmatists  occupying the middle ground suggest that the changing of
light-bulbs is so urgent and time-consuming, and the arguments of the two
factions so debatable, that as an interim measure lay-persons, perhaps
including women, should be permitted to change light-bulbs under the
supervision of a male priest, while the issue is referred to a committee to
report the following year. This is tabled as a motion;  however a cautious
evangelical proposes an ammendment to the effect that no light-bulbs shall
be changed until the committee has reported.  The ammendment is passed;
the motion as ammended is passed.

        The committee never reports, as it meets at night in a church hall
with a faulty light-bulb.

        Meanwhile AWFUL and various altar guilds, church cleaners and
Anglican women's groups around the country separately set about laying in
stocks of candles and lighting them wherever needed.

Then the day was saved when a servant-evangelism group from a local
evangelical church showed up while on a light-bulb-changing outreach
project and changed it for them...

Q:  How many Politically Correct Clergy does it take to change a light bulb?
A:  None.  Politically Correct Clergy do not change light bulbs.  They ban
    light bulb jokes.

Q:  How many Mormons does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A:  Six, one to screw it in and the other five to serve refreshments.

Q:  How many Jehovah's Witnesses does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A:  Don't know - I didn't let them in to find out.
A:  None. There is no point trying to change anything now. God will be
    replacing the whole house real soon, but nobody knows quite when.

Q:  How many Christian Scientists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A:  None, but it takes at least one to sit and pray for the old one to
    go back on.

Q:  How many missionaries does it take to change a light bulb?
A:  101.  One to change it and 100 to convince everyone else to change
    light bulbs too.
A:  One, and thirty natives to see the light.

Q:  How many hunters does it take to screw a lightbulb into a left-handed 
    socket?
A:  There is no such thing as a left-handed socket, but if they could screw
    right they would not be hunters.

Q:  How many hunt sabs does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A:  Three. One to do it and two to clean the muddy footprints off
    the carpet and the chair he was standing on.

Q:  How many police does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A:  Three. One to change it and two to direct traffic (eh ?)
    (This is evidently a "hunt sabs" joke.)
     (Commentary from an American: I don't get "hunt sabs". In any case, I 
     still find it funny. The joke is that whenever something in the US happens
     that requires the continued presence of the police, one always gets 
     dispatched to direct traffic and keep it moving because everyone always 
     slows down and rubbernecks when they see a lot of police cars.) So we 
     could also count another five to stand around going "Show's over, nothing
     left to see here, folks, move along."

Q:  How many cops does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A:  None.  It turned itself in.
A:  Just one, but he is never around when you need him.

Q:  How many LA cops does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A:  Six-one to do it and five to smash the old bulb to splinters.

Q:  How many bailiffs does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A:  Ten. One to change it, one to hit you in the kidneys, and 8 to 
    stand around such that none of this gets caught on camera.

Q:  How many Spinks handlers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A:  Five. 1 to actually screw in the light bulb, 1 to carry him out of the 
    ring, 1 to tell him who put the lights out, 2 to count the money, and it 
    all only takes 91 seconds!

Q:  How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb?
A:  How many can you afford?
A:  It only takes one to change your bulb...to his.
A:  Three. One to change it and 2 to keep interrupting by standing up
    and shouting "Objection !"
A:  None, lawyers only screw us.
A:  Lawyers don't change bulbs. Now if you're looking for someone to
    really screw a bulb...
A:  Three-one to sue the power company for insufficiently supplying power,
    or negligent failure to prevent the surge that made the bulb burn out
    in the first place, one to sue the electrician who wired the house,
    and one to sue the bulb manufacturers.
A:  Fifty four. Eight to argue, one to get a continuance, one to object, one 
    to demur, two to research precedents, one to dictate a letter, one to 
    stipulate, five to turn in their time cards, one to depose, one to write
    interrogatories, two to settle, one to order a secretary to change the 
    bulb, and twenty-eight to bill for  professional services.
    (another huge answer is at the bottom of this file.)

Q:  How many members of the England cricket team does it take to change 
    a lightbulb?
A:  Four. One to change it after 85 overs, one to throw him the new one, one to
    drop it, and one to get caught rubbing something out of his pocket into it.

Q:  How many members of the Pakistan cricket team does it take to change a
    lightbulb ?
A:  None. "The players should only have to play 80 overs in a day. To expect
    them to do any more would place an unnecessary strain upon them."

Q:  How many football managers does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A:  Well, it would only take one, but actually he doesn't change it
    at all if it worked all right for him last time (lest he gets caricatured
    on the back page of the gutter press.)

Q:  How many soccer players does it take to screw in a lightbulb ?
A:  Five. One to get into position to screw it in, one to kick the legs out
    from under him, one to snatch the lightbulb and pass it to his mate who, 
    then goes and screws it in over the other side of the room, and one to
    roll around on the floor pretending to be really injured.
A:  15 - One to put the bulb in, 10 to kiss him afterwards, and the other
    side's back four to all stand around and put their hands up.

Q:  How many Americal college football players does it take to change 
    a light bulb?
A:  The entire team!  And they all get a semester's credit for it!
A:  Just one, but he gets 3 hours of credit for it.
(or the Heisman, if Barry Switzer can get enough Alumni support for it)

(Notes : The Heisman is a trophy awarded to the suposed best overall college 
football player each season by the NY Athletic Club. Barry Switzer was formerly
the University of Oklahoma football coach, one of the winningest ever. The joke
relates to the fact that the school's publicity department has as much, if not
more, to do with getting the Heisman than the player's actual ability.)
(Commentary from another American ! Not exactly...OU has had a few Heisman 
trophy winners, but only one of them when Switzer was head coach (thus the 
joke's really not that funny). Now if you changed it to Woody Hayes, former 
head coach at coach at Ohio State, or Bo Schembechler, former Michigan head 
coach, it might be more humorous.) 

Q:  How many American footballers does it take to change a light bulb?
A:  Two - one to screw it in and the other to recover the fumble.

Q:  How many people at an American football match does it take to change
    a lightbulb ?
A:  Three. One to change it and two to tip the entire contents of the ice
    bucket over the coach to congratulate him on a successful bulb screwing.

Q:  How many University of Washington Husky football fans (or any over-the-top 
    sports fans who pay way way too much attention to minutia surrounding 
    "their" team) does it take to change a light bulb?
A:  A million and one.  One to hold the old bulb, and the rest to all try and 
    make the world revolve around it.

Q:  How many Denver Broncos does it take to change a lightbulb?
A:  One, unless it was a blow out, then all of them show up.
    (also Buffalo Bills)

(Commentary from an American: Oh, please *groan* :-). I live in Buffalo, so 
it's a slightly sore subject. This relates to recent Super Bowls. The Broncos 
have been to four Super Bowls, and lost three by huge margins-"blowouts". 
Likewise the Bills, the pride and joy of our city, have lost the last three 
straight, the last two by overwhelming margins.)
31/01/94 And another one too, by 30-13 !!! Brian.

Q:  How many Rochester residents does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A:  Fifty one - one to screw in the bulb, and fifty to comment about how
    much better the bulb is than light bulbs in Buffalo.

Q:  How many Buffalonians does it take to screw a in a light bulb?
A:  Two-one to get the new bulb out of the snowbank, and one to screw it in.

Q:  How many Canadian sex murderers does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A:  [punchline forbidden on Canadian newsservers by publication ban; e-mail 
    list maintainer]
(This about the trial of Paul Bernardo and his (now ex) wife Karla 
Homolka. See http://www.crimelibrary.com/serials/bernardo/bernmain.htm)


Q:  How many American wrestlers does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A:  Three. One to yank the old bulb out, throw it on the floor, try and jump 
    onto it from a great height, and act real surprised when it rolls out of 
    the way at the last minute, one to pretend to twist the new one in round
    and round so far it almost breaks, and some guy in a black and white 
    stripey uniform whose function is never made quite clear to protest about 
    something or other, to the complete indifference of the bulb changers.
A:  5. One to change it 4 to fake it.

Q:  How many thought police does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A:  None.  There never *was* any light bulb.
    Notes:  Probably the only really good light bulb joke of 1984.

Q:  How many pro-lifers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A:  Two, one to do it and one to insist that the bulb was lit when the 
    screwing began.
A:  Nine-four to block the entrance to the room, four to hold up pictures
    of burnt-out bulbs, and one to try and convince the person with the 
    new bulb to let the room stay dark.

Q:  How many pro-choicers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A:  Two, one to do it and one to assert that the bulb didn't exist before
    it was lit up.
          
Q:  How many executives does it take to change a light bulb?
A:  A roomful - they have to hold a meeting to discuss all the
    ramifications of the change.

Q:  How many board meetings does it take to get a light bulb changed?
A:  This topic was resumed from last week's discussion, but is incomplete
    pending resolution of some action items.  It will be continued next week.
    Meanwhile...

Q:  How many assholes does it take to change a light bulb?
A:  None; assholes never see the light anyway.

Q:  How many Necrophiliacs does it take to screw in a light bulb?"
A:  None.  Necrophiliacs prefer dead bulbs.
A:  Only one. "Oh, excuse me, could you please test the socket with
    your finger while I go get a new bulb?"

Q:  How many brewers does it take to change a light bulb?
A:  About one third less than for a regular bulb.
    (Note: This joke is about an American ad for light beer=reduced calories.)

Q:  How many WASP Princesses does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A:  What?! And ruin my nails???
A:  Three: Two to bitch about it, one to call the building superintendant.
A:  Two. One to get a Tab and one to call Daddy.
    (Notes: WASP Princess = spoilt rich girl, a Tab = a can of Tab the drink.)

Q:  How many teenage girls does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A:  One, but she'll be on the phone for five hours telling all her 
    friends about it.

Q:  How many accountants does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A:  What kind of answer did you have in mind?
A:  None-just assume it's changed.
             
Q:  How many consultants does it take to change a light bulb?
A:  I'll have an estimate for you a week from Monday.

Q:  How many dead babies does it take to change a light bulb?
A:  As many as it takes to make a pile big enough to climb on to reach the bulb.
Notes: Ugh!

Q:  How many junkies does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A:  Oh wow, is it like dark, man?
A:  Two: One to roll it, and one to light it up.

Q:  How many U.S marines does it take to screw in a light bulb ?
A:  50. One to screw in the light bulb and the remaining 49 to guard him .

Q:  "How many Romulans does it take to screw in a light bulb?"
A:  "151, one to screw the light-bulb in, and 150 to self-destruct
    the ship out of disgrace."
    (Warning: do not tell this to Romulans or be ready for a fight.  They
    consider this joke to be a disgrace, though it is not bad for a LBJ.)

The next three jokes were taken from the "Official Klingon Joke Book".

Q:  How many Klingons does it take to change a lightbulb?
A:  Two, one to screw in the bulb and another to shoot him and take the credit.
A:  None.  Klingons aren't afraid of the dark. 
    (Oops I'm slipping, this is the same answer as for real men..)
    
Q:  What do they do with the dead bulb?
A:  Execute it for failure.

Q:  What do they do with the Klingon who replaces the bulb?
A:  Execute him for cowardice.

Q:  How many Vulcans does it take to change a light bulb?
A:  "Approximately 1.00000000000000000000000"

Q:  How many Borg will it take to change a light bulb?
A:  None, they just assimilate the bulb.
A:  All of them.

(Notes : Yup, you find them in Star Trek too. They are those part machine part 
humanoid looking creatures that go around conquering worlds and assimilating
all those poor people into their collective and turning them into Borgs.
From what we can tell from the ST:TNG series, the Borg act as a collective 
rather than on an individual basis (with the exception being those such as 
Hugh who encountered lifeforms who act individually) hence the second answer.)

Q:  How many Daleks does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A:  Daleks don't change light bulbs, they level the building.
A:  1,500,000: To conquer a race than can climb ladders for them.

Q:  How many creatures from Altair VII does it take to change a light bulb?
A:  One. Though he will break the new bulb, the glow from his fingerprints  
    will provide a quite nice illumination.
    (Someone please tell me what TV programme this is from...)

Q:  How many efficiency experts does it take to replace a light bulb?
A:  None.  Efficiency experts replace only dark bulbs.

Q:  How many actors does it take to change a light bulb?
A:  Only one. They don't like to share the spotlight.
A:  Two. One to stand on a chair and change it and one to say "I wish I 
    was up there !"
A:  A finite number F. One to change it and F-1 to act in a stereotypical
    manner according to the part they're playing (See the formula @ the start.)

Q:  How many mystery writers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A:  Two, one to screw it almost all the way in and the other to
    give it a surprising twist at the end.

Q:  How many bikers does it take to change a light bulb?
A:  It takes two.  One to change the bulb, and the other to kick the switch.

Q:  How many referral agents does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A:  Two: One to screw you out of a fee, and the other to send you
    to a store where they ran out of bulbs weeks ago.

Q:  How many TV comedians does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A:  Two, one to screw it in, and another to say "Sock it to Me."
    (Notes: Sock it = Socket.  Also, the phrase was from "Laugh In.")

Q:  How many people in Twin Peaks does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A:  Two. One to change it and one to wrap the dead one in plastic.
    (Notes: Twin Peaks has a murderer who wraps the victims in plastic.)

Q:  How many MTV cartoon characters does it take to screw in a lightbulb ?
A:  Errrrrrr... Uh-huh-huh-huh Lightbulbs suck or something... Huh-huh-huh...
    Yeah ! But lightbulb jokes are coool... huh-huh... Huh-huh... Lightbulb
    jokes kick aaaasss... (inserts hand into trousers and rubs up and down...)
A:  (Butthead) Uuuuuuuuhhhhhh, HOW?
    (Beavis)   I dunno know. You tell me. Heh-heh. Heh-heh.
    (Butthead) I dunno know either you dumb ass. Uhhhh-uh-uh-uh-uh!
    (Beavis)   Who are you calling dumb ass, butt munch? Heh-heh-heh-heh.
    (Butthead) You, asswipe. Huuuuuuh-uh-uh-uh-uh!
    (Beavis)   Shut up Butthead!
    (Butthead) No, you shut up! 
    (Beavis)   Shut up!
    (Butthead) Shut up!
    (Beavis)   Shut up!
    (Butthead) No you shut up! And uuuuuh-uuuuuuuh! Answer the damn
               question ass munch! Huuuuuuuuh-uh-uh-uh-uh!
    (Beavis)   Oh, yeah! The question. Ummmmm, Ummmmm, what is the
               question, Butthead? Heh-heh. Heh-heh. Heh-heh.
    (Butthead) Uuuuuuuh, I dunno know! Huh-uh-uh-uh-uh! I thought you 
               knew. Huh-uh-uh-uh-uh!
    (Beavis)   I think I am having a stiffy. Heh-heh. Heh-heh.
    (Butthead) Oh, I remember! Huuuuuuuuh-uh-uh-uh-uh! I think it was
               like, uh-uh, like how many, uh-uh, like Beavis and
               Buttheads, huuuuuuuuuuh-uh-uh-uh-uh, does take to
               screw in a, uh-uh, lightbulbs?
    (Beavis)   I dunno know...
    (Butthead) Oh, I get it. Huuuuuuuh-uh-uh-uh-uh! I think he means
               like our, uh-uh, ...
A:  (Butt-Head): "Uh huh huh huh huh.  You said "Screw."
    (Beavis):  "Yeah. Heh heh heh m heh heh. screw.  Screw. SCREW!"
    (Butt-Head): "Settle down, Beavis. Or I'll kick your ass."
   
Q:  How many DIY buffs does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A:  Only one, but it takes him two weekends and three trips to the 
    hardware store.

Q:  How many recovering addicts does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A:  One, but it takes twelve steps.
A:  One, as long as he admits he's powerless over light bulbs.
A:  One to screw it in and one to sponsor him.

Q:  How many blind people does it take to change a light bulb?
A:  It depends whether the switch is on or off. 
A:  If the switch is off, one.  If the switch is on, any number, until
    one of them figures out to turn it off.

Q:  How many deaf blind people does it take to change a lightbulb?
A:  Depends on whether or not you can get them to notice the darkness...

Q:  How many Victorians does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A:  *Ahem* We do not discuss this with ladies and children present.

Q:  How many BATF agents does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A:  Four hundred to attempt to seize the old bulb and then surround the
    house when it rebuffs them.
A:  It doesn't matter, they just burn down the house.

(Notes : BATF is The US Bureau of Alcohol, Tobacco, and Firearms, repsonsible 
for setting up that Waco (We Aint Coming Out !) Branch Davidians siege in 
spring 1993, which ended in a fashion the second punchline suggests.)

Q:  How many xxxxxxx (fill in the blank: FBI agents, narcs, deans) does it 
    take to screw in a lightbulb?
A:  Six. One to seize the lightbulb and the others hold him very very still, 
    because they KNOW the world turns.
(Someone please explain this one ! Surely it's not the same joke as egotists ?)

Q:  How many librarians does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A:  I don't know, but I can look it up for you.

Q:  How many cataloguers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A:  One, but the Library of Congress has to do it first.

Q:  How many NBC news producers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A:  Three, one to drill a hole in the light bulb so it blows up when he 
    turns it on, one to film it, and one to insist on the truth of
    the report despite the manipulation.

Q:  How many Supreme Court Justices does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A:  Nine-three to form a plurality, two to concur in part, two to dissent
    one to concur in part and dissent in part with the plurality opinion,
    and the last to concur with the dissenters in part.

Q:  How many Hegelians does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A:  Two, of course. One stands at one end of the room and argues that it
    isn't dark; the other stands across from him and says that true
    light is impossible. This dialectic creates a synthesis when the
    bulb gets screwed in.
(Explanation : Hegel and Marx use a logical procedure called dialectics to seek
answers to seemingly mutual exclusive positions. Shortened it is "thesis, 
antithesis, synthesis". Thus 'no light' and 'no dark' can arrive at a middle 
ground through logical examination 'it's dark but it can be made light'.)

Q:  How many Platonists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A:  They don't change bulbs, they have nice fires in their caves and if
    they need light they go out and look at the sun.

Q:  How many screenwriters does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A:  Why does it *have* to be changed?

Q:  How many American standup comedians does it take to change a light bulb?
A:  You know what bugs me about light bulbs? The other night I was flying
    cross country and the f****** stewardess started telling me about her cat. 
    Man, I f****** hate people who don't use their turn signals. F***. Hey, 
    how about an impression. Here's Jack f****** Nicholson doing Tony Curtis 
    in drag imitating Marlon Brando screwing in a light bulb. FEEEEEELINGS....

Q:  How many New Historicists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A:  None-historical forces will do it. The bulb-screwer is a relatively 
    modern invention.

Q:  How many folklorists does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A:  Ten. One to change it and nine to document it.

Q:  How many deconstructionists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A:  It doesn't matter. Even if the bulb is screwed in, it will always be
    flickering, however faintly, so it really hasn't worked. It is 
    incapable of delivering uninterrupted light.

Q:  How many Canadians does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A:  Twelve. Four to form a Parliamentary study committee to decide how to solve
    the problem, one Francophone to complain that I didn't translate this joke 
    into French, one Native Canadian to protest that the interests of Native 
    Canadians have been overlooked, one woman from the National Action 
    Committee On the Status Of Women to say that women have been 
    underrepresented in the process, one to go over the border to the Niagara 
    Falls Factory Outlet Mall and buy a new bulb and not pay duty on it on the 
    way back, one to actually screw it in, one to collect taxes on the whole 
    procedure so the government can afford it, one to buy a case of Molson for 
    everybody to drink, and one to drop the puck.
A:  Four. One to spray green paint onto the bulb so noone bashes it with a
    big stick, one to change it, one to suggest they all roll a log down a
    hill to celebrate, and one to invite all the others round to his log cabin
    so they can all watch his moose moult.

Q:  How many Torontonians does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A:  Fifty-one to do it and the other forty-nine to proclaim it's the greatest 
    event in the history of creation, a truly world-class bulb screwing.
A:  One, but he leaves the old bulb in the parking lot of the Walden Galleria.

I finally found someone to explain that one ! It goes like this : - The Walden 
Galleria MALL, only an hour and a half away from the Centre of the Universe and
just off the Intersate in Buffalo, New York, was the Mecca of Torontonians 
engaging in the old Canadian tradition of cross border shopping. On a weekend 
the parking lot would be so full of Ontario plates you would think that you 
were in Canada. Of course you could not legally return to Canada with more than
$25 worth of goods for an afternoon visit and so thousands of honest, polite 
and industrious Canadians were turned into lowlife smugglers. The classic 
method for smuggling clothing was "wearing it back" and so long lines of cars 
containing scantily and poorly dressed Canadians would patiently queue up 
Sunday morning to cross into New York State and a few hours later, 
miraculously, in the true American tradition of rags to riches, be transformed 
into trendy and well attired Torontonians as they returned home satiated by an 
intensive afternoon of power shopping with nothing to declare to Canada 
Customs, leaving their rags behind to grace the dumpsters of the exotic malls 
of Williamsburg and Cheektawoga. This all ended with the introduction of Sunday
shopping in Ontario in 1992 and the steadily declining value of the Canadian 
dollar. Sorry I got so long winded, but Sunday in Buffalo was fun while it 
lasted, even if you got caught and this joke, lame as it is, brought back a 
lot of memories.

Q:  How many African Americans does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A:  Two. One to hold the bulb, and one to drive the pink Cadillac in
    tight circles.
A:  Four hundred to march on the power company and threaten to burn it 
    down if they don't hire some African Americans to do it.

Q:  How many Serbs does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A:  Two-one to shoot the old bulb out and one to screw the new one in.

Q:  How many chickens does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A:  Two-one to do it and one to cross the road.
A:  Just one, and she'll screw it in as soon as she decides it isn't
    going to hatch.
A:  None. They're all far too busy crossing the road.

Q:  How many kindergarden kids does it take to change a lightbulb?  
A:  One, two, three... Mummy! can I use my toes?

Q:  How many Pizza Hut employees does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A:  Three-one to do it, one to hold the ladder, and one to tell the story
    about "last night."
    (Notes : This is guaranteed true by someone who used to work there. The 
    stories refer to wild copious drinking and also a few bedroom exploits.)

Q:  How many undertakers does it take to change a light bulb?
A:  None. They just paint them black and go on using them.

Q:  How many talk show hosts does it take to change a light bulb?
A:  Three, one to screw in the new bulb, one to ask the old one how it
    feels to be replaced, and one to take questions from the audience.

Q:  How many gun control advocates does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A:  Let the police do it - private citizens can't be trusted with light bulbs !
A:  They don't do that; they pass laws against burned-out bulbs,
    and then they wonder why it's still so dark.  Meanwhile, a lot 
    of people get hurt because they can't see.

Q:  How many NRA members does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A:  3-One to give up the old bulb when they pry it from his cold dead 
    fingers, one to screw it in and pose for an "I'm the NRA" ad while 
    doing so, and one to complain about the waiting period.
A:  Two, one to do it and the other one to get his dick out of the gun.

Q:  How many Soviet emigres does it take to change a light bulb?
A:  None. Soviet emigres are used to sitting in the dark.
A:  One, and a lot of light bulbs.
A:  Three. One to force the bulb in with a hammer, one to steal 
    more bulbs, one to ask NYANA for a bigger hammer.
A:  Four. One to stand on a chair and hold the bulb, two to lift the chair by
    its legs, one to call an American and to ask which way to turn the chair.

Q:  How many light bulbs does it take to change a Soviet emigre?
A:  One, if you aim well.

Q:  What do a Soviet emigre and a fifteen-watt light bulb have in common?
A:  Neither one is very bright.

A Soviet emigre climbs on a dinner table to change a light bulb. His 
girlfriend tries to put a newspaper under his dirty sneakers.
``Don't bother, I'll reach it anyway.''

Q:  How many Newfies does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A:  Two. One to bite the bulb out of the socket and one to hammer the 
    new one in.
    (A stereotype of Newfoundlanders as stupid - usually told by Canadians.)

Q:  How many baby boomers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A:  Ten-four to talk about how great it is that they've all come together
    to do this, one to screw it in, one to film it for the news, one to
    plan a marketing strategy based on it, one to reminisce about mass
    naked bulb screwings in the '60s, one to watch reruns of '50s TV
    shows, and one to play classic rock.

Q:  How many (generation) Xers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A:  Two, one to go and shoplift the bulb so the boomers have something  
    to screw in and the other to screw it in for minimum wage.

Q:  How many vampires does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A:  None, they *like* it in the dark.

Q:  How many dull people does it take to change a light bulb?
A:  One.

Q:  How many one-armed people does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A:  Only one, as long as he kept the till receipt.

Q:  How many [members of your favorite group] does it take to screw in
    a lightbulb?
A:  Two, but they have to be *really tiny*.

Q:  How many Pygmies does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A:  At least three.  (Notes: think height!)

Q:  How many people does it take to throw away a one WATT bulb??
A:  Five.   A Black, a Jew, two women, and a cripple...
Notes: topical to the resignation of Interior secretary James Watt in 1983

Q:  How many CND supporters does it take to change a light bulb?
A:  None. They won't, because:


"I'm not about to touch anything that has WATT written on it!"

"If we change our bulb, they will just change theirs to a
brighter one, so where will it all end?"

"We already have enough bulbs to illuminate the entire world
three times over."

"We shouldn't spend money for light bulbs as long as anyone
is hungry anywhere."

"We don't know what effect all this artificial light will
have on the future of mankind."

"Nature provides us with all the light we need; we just haven't
learned to husband it yet."

"Artificial light isn't aesthetically correct."

"The candle is more traditional, and it uses no electricity."

"It is the responsibility of the Federal Government to provide
light to all Americans, without regard to race, age, creed, color
sex (anatomic), sex (persuasion), religion, socio-economic status,
national origin, or need."

Q:  How many cabbage patch dolls does it take to change a light bulb?
A:  The question is irrelevant since you couldn't find the dolls even if
    you knew how many.
Notes:  Topical to 1983 and the difficulty of obtaining cabbage patch dolls

Q:  How many furries does it take to change a lightbulb?
A:  Four.  One to climb up the ladder and change the lightbulb.  Three
    to protect the first with overkill-type weaponry, wear clothing which
    emphasizes curves and musculature, and look cute and dangerous at the 
    same time. 

(Notes : furries = characters in what's called "furry" science fiction.  Best 
depicted on cover art; the men look like bodybuilders, the women are 
indescribably buxom, and both wear some version of Tarzan/Jane-style costumes 
to show as much skin and musculature as possible.)

Q:  How many furfen does it take to change a lightbulb?
A:  Three.  One to climb up the ladder and change the lightbulb.  One to
    complain that there was too much erotica in the previous answer and this 
    one, and that people should come up with more non-erotic answers because 
    of the impact on public negativity towards furriness.  And the third to 
    explain about their erotic dreams involving furry lightbulb jokes.

(Notes : furfen = fans of furries.  "fen" is a long-used plural for "fan".)

Q:  How many Lubavitcher Chassidim does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A:  Dark? Who says it's dark? Wait a few minutes and it'll get real bright !

Q:  How many Satmar Chassidim does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A:  Umm, sorry, a man has to do that, it's beyond the capability of a woman.

Q:  How many Bratzlaver Chassidim does it take to change a light bulb?
A:  None.  They will never find one that burned as brightly as the first one.

(Notes on the previous 3: Chassidim (pronounced "hass-ee-deem"-it's Hebrew) are
an orthodox Jewish sect. The jokes above refer to various further subsects and 
their peculiarities. The Lubavitchers, the most prevalent, are known for their 
belief that the Mossiach (Messiah) will be coming along soon. The Bratzlaver 
joke refers to the fact that they all revered their founder, the Rabbi Nachman,
and since he died they haven't really replaced him, as nobody in the group 
feels capable of filling his shoes. The Satmar are very strict in their 
adherence to the sex-role distinctions prescribed by the Bible-in one area, 
they've been fighting with local authorities about school busing, because they 
believe that women should not be allowed to drive, and the school system 
employs a lot of women as bus drivers.)

Q:  How many astronomers does it take to change a light bulb?
A:  None, astronomers prefer the dark.

Q:  How many radio astronomers does it take to change a light bulb.
A:  None. They are not interested in that short wave stuff.

Q:  How many Carl Sagans does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A:  Billions and billions.
    (Notes: Carl Sagan is an astronomer/physicist/TV presenter etc and 
    "billions and billions" is his catchphrase.)

Q:  How many NASA technicians does it take to change a lightbulb?
A:  Seventy, and they plan it for two weeks and when they finally get around 
    to it the weather's bad so they postpone it till next week. The lightbulb 
    costs 3 million dollars.

Q:  How many Pentagon procurement officers does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A:  Look, for only $87 billion, we can put up this chain of fluorescent
    satellites that will illuminate the whole planet.

Q:  How many senior citizens does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A:  One, but she pays a telemarketer $2000 for the new bulb.

Q:  How many editors of Poor Richard's Almanac does it take to replace
    a light bulb?
A:  Many hands make light work.

(Notes: "Poor Richard's Almanac" is a classic of colonial Americana, written 
(pseudonymously) by Ben Franklin in the 1740s. It advocates a simple, thrifty 
lifestyle in the form of aphorisms, including that one, so it makes a nice play
on words.)

Q:  How many big black monoliths does it take to change a light bulb?
A:  Sorry, light bulbs are an evolutionary dead end.

(Notes: It might be something to do with the film - 2001 Space Odyssey.
It's more the book, actually. That and "The Lost Worlds of 2001" should 
help illuminate this one. The big black monoliths, according to the books, 
are meant to help man evolve, something sort of hinted at in the film but 
more explicitly stated in the books.)

Q:  How many evolutionists does it take to change a light bulb?
A:  Only one, but it takes eight million years.

Q:  How many light bulbs does it take to change a light bulb?
A:  Two, the new one and the old one. (hahahahah ???)
A:  One, if it knows its own Goedel number.
(Notes : I thought this was something to do with the maths/logic theories of 
Kurt Goedel, about it being impossible to prove things, and finally a more
complete explanation arrived in my mailbox : - A Goedel Number is one of 
several ways to encode a Turing Machine, the classical abstraction of a 
computer, or for that matter of any algorithm.  The idea (as best I see it)
is that if the machine knows its own Goedel Number it can simulate itself...
It does come from the mathematician Goedel - partly because he used TMs
in his famous theorem, I believe.)

Q:  How many Bayesians/subjectivists does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A:  As many as you think it takes.
P.S. Fortunately, the author has learned much about Bayesian inference (and 
about the subjectivity inherent in "classical" inference) since then -- so 
spare us the flames about the misperceptions on which the above joke is based.

Q:  How many dadaists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A:  To get to the other side.

    (Notes: The "dadaist" answer, like dadaism itself, goes further than the 
    surrealist one. Whereas the surrealist one at least bears the semblance
    of a relationship to the question, the dadaist one is the punchline to 
    another joke entirely.)

Q:  How many Paul Reveres does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A:  One if by hand, but two if by feel.
(Explanation - courtesy of an American : - Paul Revere was one of the riders 
who warned the minute-men (American Revolutionaries) that the British were 
coming to seize the stores of ammunition at Lexington and Concord. Actually, he
was captured en route; others spread the news. Revere got the publicity in a 
poem about the event. (I think the writer was Longfellow.) The people in Boston
were to notify the riders how the British would come by hanging lamps in the 
tower of the Old North Church "one if by land and two if by sea". Wow. A
history lesson in the middle of the canonical collection of lightbulb jokes !)

Q:  How many Vanna Whites does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A:  None.  A dead bulb won't light up.
(Notes : Vanna White is the letter-turner on the television quiz show "Wheel of
Fortune". "Wheel of Fortune" somewhat similar to hang-man - a word or phrase is
shown as blanks and three contestants guess what letters are used (they spin 
the wheel to determine how much money they get for each use of the letter they 
will guess). However, she won't turn a square to reveal the letter until 
it lights up.)

Q:  How many spies does it take to change a lightbulb?  
A:  Why bother?

(I guess the point is that spies like to do everything in the dark anyway ?)

Q:  How many KGB agents does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A:  Two: One to screw it in and the other to check it for microphones.

There now follows 14 lightbulb jokes which I found entitled "LIGHTBULBS
THE KNOWN WORLD OVER" and is to do with the society for creative
anachronism, a living history group, is divided into 16 (and counting)
kingdoms. There are more that I'm missing.

Q:  How many Westerners does it take to change a lightbulb?
A:  Why would you want to do that? It's been just fine for 25 years!

Q:  How many Calontiri does it take to change a lightbulb?
A:  One hundred and two, but _what_ a ceremony!

Q:  How many Easterners does it take to change a lightbulb?
A:  Just one, but they have to take a vote first to decide who.

Q:  How many Meridians does it take to change a lightbulb?
A:  Just one, but he has to get it drunk first.

Q:  How many Trimarians does it take to change a lightbulb?
A:  Leave it out, it was only attracting mosquitos anyway.

Q:  How many Caidans does it take to change a lightbulb?
A:  Nobody knows.  They can't figure out what to wear to change one.

Q:  How many AnTir-folk does it take to change a lightbulb?
A:  Just one, but the new bulb had better be a halogen fog lamp!

Q:  How many Atlantians does it take to change a lightbulb?
A:  That depends, which household does it belong to?

Q:  How many Midrealmers does it take to change a lightbulb?
A:  They won't say until they've consulted the Curia Regis...

Q:  How many Ansteorrans does it take to change a lightbulb?
A:  Was that a rattan lightbulb or a fencing lightbulb?

Q:  How many Atenveldters does it take to change a lightbulb?
A:  Why bother, they prefer solar power anyway?

Q:  How many Outlanders does it take to change a lightbulb?
A:  If it's less than a 14 hour drive it's not worth changing!

Q:  How many Lochac-folk does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A:  Just one, but it screws in counter-clockwise.

Q:  How many Oerthans does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A:  Just one, but it takes them six months to notice it's burned out!

Q:  How many EST followers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A:  A roomful. They take turns as the leader tells them what rotten and 
    worthless bulb screwers they are. No one is allowed to leave the 
    room to go to the bathroom while the bulb screwing is in progress.

(Notes: EST (Erhard Seminars Training) was some sort of self-esteem-building 
programme that was popular in the late 1970s. The sessions were as described 
in the punchline.)

Q:  How many Amish does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A:  Two, one to hold the bulb and the other to tell him it's against
    the will of God.
A:  Amish don't have light bulbs. They bake pies.

(Notes: The Amish are a people, also known as the "Pennsylvania Dutch", who 
mostly (though not exclusively) live in southeastern Pennsylvania and are noted
for their religion. They adhere to a strict code of living that forbids using 
such modern conveniences as electricity and automobiles, and indeed often look 
and act as if they were time travelers from the early nineteenth century (they 
drive around in horse and buggy carts). They are descended from German 
Protestant immigrants of that time (hence the "Dutch" as the immigration people 
misunderstood "Deutsch", the answer they gave for nationality). Their quaint
lifestyle draws many people to SE PA every year, where they often have a chance 
to sample their sweet pies and cakes. Hence the joke.

Q:  How many NSC members does it take to change a light bulb?
A:  We can't say.
A:  Three, in fourteen countries.

(Notes: The NSC is the US National Security Council, whose rubric Oliver North 
was acting under, and which is often accused by people such as Gore Vidal of 
secretly governing the country.)

Q:  How many Dune Coons does it take to replace a light bulb?
A:  Three - one to hold the bulb and two to turn the stool, but they
    need a foreign adviser to tell them it was burned out. 
    (Notes: a "Dune Coon" means an arab.)

Q:  How many supply-siders does it take to change a light bulb?
A:  None.  The darkness will cause the light bulb to change by itself.

(Notes: "Supply-siders" were the force behind Reagan's early reforms, and their 
economic theories were just like those of Thatcher (only the Thatcherites were
more extreme). They believed that if they shifted the focus of government 
economic policy to stimulating supply rather than demand, the business cycle 
would be stopped at an agreeable point and inflation would be permanently 
whipped. Obviously, it didn't quite work out that way.)

Q:  How many Ann Arborites does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A:  None, they just start a "Coping With Darkness" support group.

    (Notes: Ann Arbor is a where, not a who. It's the home of the University 
    of Michigan, which has a fairly liberal reputation.)

Q:  How many Lacanians does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A:  Three-one to do it, one to desire it, and the ignorant Other.

    (Notes: Jacques Lacan (1901-82) was a prominent French psychoanalyst and 
    theorist who is very influential with literary critics at the moment. This 
    relates to his theories.)

Q:  How many gypsies does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A:  None, but you lose a lot of light bulbs.

(Notes : None because gypsies don't have mains electricity, and the losing is a
play on the larcenous reputation of Gypsies. You give a Gypsy a light bulb and 
ask him to change the hallway lamp, pretty soon you have one less light bulb 
and the hallway lamp is still out.)

Q:  How many Helmsley employees does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A:  100: 99 to try, and one to fire them all.
    (Notes : Leona Helmsley is the owner of a (New York?) hotel who was a real
    bitch to work for. She fired employees at little or no provocation.)

Q:  How many marginals does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A:  Two: One to screw it in real good, and one to call the proctologist.
(Notes: Anyone know what a marginal is or does ? It sounds like a rude 
reference to a supposed homosexual practice of putting foreign objects in each 
others' rectums. Perhaps "marginal" is some regional insulting term for some
kind of male homosexual ?)

Q:  How many Martians does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A:  One and a half.
    (Is this a science-fiction in-joke ?)

Q:  How many pot growers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A:  None, they use fluorescent bulbs instead. 

(Notes : Fluorescent light is closer to natural sunlight than an incandescent 
bulb, so anyone using artificial light (which pot growers might do to keep 
their crops covered and safe from flying, prying eyes) to grow stuff would 
probably use fluorescent light rather than incandescent.)

Q:  How many alien life forms does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A:  Yeah, wouldn't the guys at SETI like to know *that*!
    (Notes: SETI = Search for Extra-Terrestrial Intelligence.)

And now for some other jokes about lightbulbs that came my way...
          
This one is an advert that someone sent me : -
Q:  Helga, how many Germans does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A:  Ah, is this the one about the highly-trained quality control checkers at
    the Lowenbrau brewery here in the beautiful city of Munich where they have
    to carefully check that each and every stage of the bier brewing process 
    adheres to the Reinheitsgebot ancient brewing laws laid down in 1516 which
    set minimum standards for the purity of the ingredients otherwise they'd be
    subject to extremely enormous fines so quality control is a very important
    job both in terms of the quality of all the Lowenbrau biers and of course 
    the financial good health of the company from the checking of the malted
    barley with the hops not forgetting the pure Bavarian spring water by any
    chance ?    What we Germans lack in humour, we make up for in our bier.

Q:  How does Ozzy Osbourne change a light bulb?
A:  First he bites off the old one.

(From the religious humour mailing list)
Q:  How many angels can dance on a lightbulb?
A:  It depends on the dance step.

Three blondes are attempting to change a light bulb. One of them
decides to call 911:
Blonde: We need help. We're three blondes changing a light bulb.
Operator: Hmmmmm. You put in a fresh bulb?
Blonde: Yes.
Operator: The power in the house in on?
Blonde: Of course.
Operator: And the switch is on?
Blonde: Yes, yes.
Operator: And the bulb still won't light up?
Blonde: No, it's working fine.
Operator: Then what's the problem?
Blonde: We got dizzy spinning the ladder around and we all fell 
and hurt ourselves.

Q:  How does a blonde screw in a lightbulb?
A:  With lubricant. (But how does she get into the lightbulb?)

Now for an old light bulb joke :  When I was in high school I was in a photo 
class. I used to go around telling people to save all their burned out light 
bulbs for me. As always I would get a strange look and be asked why. My reply 
was of course, that I was building a darkroom !

Q:  Why did the lightbulb fall out of the tree ?
A:  Cos it was doing an impersonation of the sun, setting.
A:  Cos Christmas tree decorations are always cheap and nasty.
A:  Cos it was autumn. (eh ?)
    (Thus combining the twin themes of lightbulb jokes and
     jokes about things falling out of trees...)

Q:  How many lightbulbs does it take to change a dyslexic?
A:  one. It isN't oo easy.

Q:  How many dyslexics does it take to bulb a light change?
A:  10, one to change the light bulb and 9 to misread the manual.
A:  Eno.
          
KID 1: My mom knows how to eat light bulbs!
KID 2: Oh, yeah! Sez who?
KID 1: Really! At night I hear her tell Daddy: "Turn out the light, and
       I'll eat it!"

Q:  How many women with PMS does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A:  None. You can do it yourself, dammit.

Q:  Why does it take three women with PMT to change a lightbulb ?
A:  Cos it does, RIGHT ?

Q:  What did the lightbulb say to the fuse ?
A:  That's a blow !

Q:  How does an engineer change a lightbulb?
A:  As long as lighting levels are within operational parameters, he doesn't !

Q:  How many chess computers does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A:  Four. One to remove the lightbulb by capturing it en passant, one to put
    the new one in by taking back the move whereby the old one was unscrewed,
    one to go snatching some pawns while all this action takes place on the
    other side of the board, and one to flash its lights, make lots of noise,
    and announce out of the blue that it has found a forced mate in seven.

Q:  How many chess grandmasters does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A:  None. They are too "Short".
A:  21. One to have the idea, and a whole load more to do all the analysis.

Q:  How many people does it take to change a lightbulb for Bobby Fischer ?
A:  Two. One person to put the new one in, and another person to file
    three millimetres off it first.

Q:  How many ping pong players does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A:  Four. One to complain that it's "table tennis" not "ping pong", one to
    change the lightbulb, one to protest about the type of glue he used to fix
    the lightbulb into place, and one to get out his copy of the "Bats 'R' Us"
    catalogue and point out that he could have bought an even better one for 
    50p less.

Q:  How many scrabble players does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A:  I don't actually know, but it's on a triple word score anyway.

Q:  How many Tauruses does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A:  None: Tauruses don't like to change anything.
A:  One. But only if they can celebrate afterwards with a ten
    course meal and some great sex. 
A:  One, but just *try* to convince them that the burnt out bulb is
    useless and should be thrown away.

Q:  How many Geminis does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A:  Two (of course) but it will take all week, and when they're done the 
    lightbulb will do your homework, speak French, and shine any color you 
    want it to.
A:  Two. Plus a portable phone, an Internet link and a copy of
    the 'Bluffer's Guide to Changing Lightbulbs.'
A:  Two, but they never change it - they just keep arguing about who is
    supposed to do it and how it's supposed to be done.

Q:  How many Cancerians does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A:  Just one. But it takes a therapist three years to help them
    through the grief process. 
A:  Just one, and they'll use a non-disposable diaper too!
A:  None: Cancerians would worry themselves to death with the problem.

Q:  How many Leos does it take to change a lightbulb ? 
A:  Leos don't change lightbulbs, although sometimes their
    agents get a Virgo in to do it for them while they're out.
A:  None: Leos are so enthusiastic they carry their own light.

Q:  How many Virgos does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A:  Virgos don't have time to change their own lightbulbs.
    They're too busy changing them for everyone else.
A:  Approximately 1.000000 with an error of +/- 1 millionth.
A:  Let's see: One to spot the bulb, one to record the time the bulb burned 
    out and the date it was bought, one to decide who's fault it is the bulb 
    burned out and ask why that brand was chosen in the first place, ten to 
    decide to remodel the house as long as they're changing the bulb...

Q:  How many Libras does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A:  Er, two. Or maybe one. No - on second thoughts, make that
    two. Is that okay with you?
A:  Why change the bulb? Isn't it more romantic in the dark?
A:  Well gee, I don't know really. I guess it depends on the bulb and
    where it burned out. It might perhaps take just one if it's just an
    ordinary bulb, but maybe two if the person doesn't know where to find
    a new lightbulb, or...

Q:  How many Scorpios does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A:  Why do you want to know ? Are you a cop ?
A:  None - they'd rather sit in the dark.
A:  That information is strictly secret and only shared with the inner
    members of the heirarchical Order.

Q:  How many Sagittarians does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A:  Look, ask me when I get back from India, okay ?
A:  The sun is shining, the day is young, we've got our whole lives
    ahead of us, and you're inside worrying about a stupid burned out
    light bulb?
A:  A whole bunch: I can only keep them in the room long enough for
    them to give the bulb a quarter turn a piece.

Q:  How many Capricorns does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A:  None. Capricorns can't afford new lightbulbs - unless they're
    a legitimate business expense. 
A:  I don't waste my time with these childish jokes.
A:  None: Why should I bother? It's probably just going to burn out
    again tomorrow anyway.

Q:  How many Aquarians does it take to change a lightbulb ? 
A:  Well, you have to remember that everything is energy so...
A:  A hundred, but they'll all be competing to be the one to change the
    bulb and bring light to the world.
A:  Like, why don't you just get out of my face and stop asking me to
    do all your work for you ? I'm, like, really totally sick and tired of
    you asking me questions.

Q:  How many Pisceans does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A:  Huh? The light's out?
A:  What lightbulb?
A:  None: They concern themselves with inner light.

Q:  How many Arians does it take to change a light bulb?
A:  None: Arians aren't afraid of the dark.
A:  Just the one. You want to make something of it, eh?
A:  Only one, but it takes a lot of lightbulbs. (*smash*)

Question - are there regional variations in lightbulb jokes ?

And then there's the joke about the Polish rabbit...

   *************************************************************************
   * Well, we've come to the end of the normal size lightbulb jokes !! But *
   * for those dedicated enthusiasts, here's my collection of longer ones. *
   *************************************************************************
               
Q:  How many Unitarian-Universalists does it take to change a light bulb?
A:  No one knows, but it's been referred to the buildings and grounds 
    committee, who are supposed to make a report at the next board meeting,
    although the acting head of buildings and grounds (no one admits to being 
    the head of the committee) says it's really long-range planning's job to 
    determine whether the bulb *should* be changed because they heard that the 
    social concerns committee thought we were wasting too much power, although 
    they also heard that the RE committee was upset because they thought it was
    unsafe for the kids with the light out. The Sunday service committee wants 
    the light moved three feet to the right so that it doesn't put the 
    moderator in the shadows. The music committee wants a higher wattage light 
    so the singers can see their copies of Rise Up Singing better. The 
    membership committee wants a whole new bank of lights because they heard 
    about a study that said that guests prefer brighter spaces. The pagan group
    wants all electric lights removed entirely. Eventually a renter will 
    probably change it.

(Explanation courtesy of the author of the above : - The Unitarian-Universalist
denomination is a liberal religious group. The Unitarians (from belief in only 
one God rather than a trinity) and the Universalists (from belief that God is 
in all) merged in the 1960's. The denomination more or less believes in seeking
the truth as far as possible by scientific methods, acknowledging the mysteries
of faith, and respecting all people. There is no specific creed for the 
denomination here in the United States (some other countries have stricter 
rules). The United States UU's attract many who do not want to be told what to 
believe. There are members who are pagans, Christians, homosexuals, 
heterosexuals, "recovering Catholics", agnostics, athiests, adherants of 
Eastern religions, and others. The churches and fellowships (fellowships are
usually smaller groups without a minister) vary greatly in character. The
members tend to be educated and willing to speak their mind. This is possibly 
the only denomination that will hire a religious education (Sunday School for 
kids) coordinator before it hires a minister. If it sounds a bit confusing, it 
is. I've been a UU about half my life and do not entirely understand, but I 
like it.)

Q:  How many congressmen does it take to change a light bulb?
A:  Five hundred and thirty-five, but only if the following conditions are met:
    The light bulb will not be changed in an election year. A committee will 
    study the light-bulb situation for at least a year. Taxes will have to be 
    raised. A fair and proportionate number of the light-bulb changers will be 
    from minority groups. No Social Security funds will be used to change the 
    bulb. Each state and congressional district will share in the benefits of 
    changing the light bulb. The blame for the failure of the present bulb will
    be assigned to the other party. The new bulb will be twice as bright as the
    old bulb. Because the new bulb is twice as bright as the old bulb, it will 
    cost 130 times as much. A Blue Ribbon Panel will investigate the light-bulb
    failures and issue a mega-page report to the congress. A fact-finding trip 
    to all countries known to produce light bulbs will be made by most 
    congressmen and their wives. The CIA will investigate the Russian
    light-bulb-changing system. Details of the Russian light-bulb-changing 
    system will be sold to the Chinese by an American naval officer. The 
    surgeon general will issue a report about the perils of over-bright light 
    bulbs. A program to supply light bulbs to those who cannot afford them will
    be introduced by Tip O'Neill. President Reagan will give a speech extolling
    the virtues of kerosene lanterns. Tip O'Neall will initiate a program of 
    free kerosene for the needy. And finally, each and every congressman will s
    end every one of his constituents a newsletter describing how he managed to
    get the light bulb changed almost single-handedly.
                                                                  
Q:  How many Hobbits does it take to change a lightbulb?         
A:  1 to complain that the lightbulb isn't working, 5 to hold a meeting 
    to decide what to do about it, 20 to form an expedition to the fabled 
    Lightbulb Mines of Mythrill, 30 to throw a going-away party, 1 to ask 
    Gandalf for directions, 1 to sell into slavery when the directions aren't 
    stuck to, and they end up in entirely the wrong part of the country, and 
    ready cash runs low, 5 get lost through natural wastage (bandits, 
    murderers, monsters, etc,) 1 to be thrown to the Dragon that guards the
    Lightbulb hoarde, 1 to be thrown to the dragon to cover the retreat, 2 to
    carry the box of lightbulbs, 5 to find a large, sword-wielding barbarian to
    escort them home with the lightbulbs, another 30 to throw a safe-return 
    party, 5 to get rid of the barbarian, who in typical style, got drunk at 
    the party, 5 to find an Elf in the neighbourhood tall enough to change the
    lightbulb, one elf, and 5 to compose ballads of derring-do, heroism, 
    sacrifice and lightbulbs. A grand total of 118.
   
Q:  How many people at a chess tournament does it take to change a lightbulb ?

(short (Not Nigel !) version)

A:  Nine. One to complain about the lighting levels, one to say he thinks the
    lighting is OK, one to suggest someone calls the arbiter, one to go and
    call the arbiter, one to reminisce about lighting levels at the 1947
    tournament at Hastings, one to complain about the disturbance the others
    are causing, both arbiters, and one to say he thought the lighting was
    better before they changed the lightbulb.

(long version, published 6 months later)

A:  Here is the current state of research... You need one to complain about the
    lighting. A second will say he thinks the light is fine. A third suggests 
    the tournament director be called, and number four fetches him. An aged 
    player (5) reminisces about the lighting levels at Nottingham 1936. The
    director (6) can't be found, but his deputy (7) arrives. Player eight says
    that if they increase the lighting levels it will reflect into his eyes.
    Number nine says they should have fluorescent lighting. Player ten says
    it's just a question of replacing the dead lightbulb, but player 11 thinks
    the bulb hasn't been working properly since the tournament began. The 
    deputy arbiter asks an assistant arbiter (12) to make up a sign : 'Bulb 
    defective.' A democrat (13) suggests taking a vote on whether to change the
    bulb and a businessman (14) forms the lightbulb changing association (LCA)
    as a pressure group to argue for better lighting. The world champion (15) 
    is elected chairman. The FIDE president (16) sets up a working party
    (17-20) to establish agreed lighting levels with the LCA. The LCA chairman
    then has a row with its other members about direct/indirect lighting, and
    storms off with his lawyer (21) to found the Association for Changing
    Lightbulbs (ACL). The challenger for the world title (22) suddenly says he
    will not play under FIDE lighting. Three sponsors (23-25) emerge to hold
    the FIDE (direct light), LCA (fluorescent) and ACL (reflected light) 
    championships, but none can match the interest attracted by Fischer (26)
    playing Spassky (27) with the new Fischer lightbulb, whose incandescence
    increases the longer you think. The last sane player on earth (28) sneaks
    into the playing room to change the defective bulb, but his replacement has
    the wrong fitting. His scream of anguish reveals him, and he is expelled
    from world chess for creating a disturbance.
    (Notes : Refers to the way chess tournaments work and also very topical to
    a lot of recent chess politics. Credit William Hartston in YOU magazine.)

Q:  How many members of the U.S.S. Enterprise does it take to change a
    light bulb?
A:  7. Scotty will report to Captain Kirk that the light bulb in the
    Engineering Section is burnt out, to which Kirk will send Bones
    to pronounce the bulb dead. Scotty, after checking around, notices
    that they have no more new light bulbs, and complains that he can't
    see in the dark to tend to his engines. Kirk must make an emergency
    stop at the next uncharted planet, Alpha Regula IV, to procure a
    light bulb from the natives. Kirk, Spock, Bones, Sulu, and 3 red
    shirt security officers beam down. The 3 security officers are
    promptly killed by the natives, and the rest of the landing party
    is captured. Meanwhile, back in orbit, Scotty notices a Klingon ship
    approaching and must warp out of orbit to escape detection.
    Bones cures the native king who is suffering from the flu, and as
    a reward the landing party is set free and given all of the light bulbs
    they can carry. Scotty cripples the Klingon ship and warps back to the
    planet just in time to beam up Kirk et. al. The new bulb is inserted,
    and the Enterprise continues with its five year mission.

And now for three more versions of the story just for good measure : -

(OS versions)
A:  Six-Scotty to get on the intercom when the light goes out and say 
    "I canna do it, Cap'n! These bulbs are stoon dead", Spock to tell 
    Kirk he is proceeding illogically, McCoy to say "They're BURNED-OUT,
    Jim!" and "Dammit Jim-I'm a doctor not an electrician!!", Kirk to 
    screw it in, and two red-shirt security men to die in the process.

A:  All of them. Bones to say "Its dead Jim", Uhura to send a distress signal,
    Sulu to listen to Chekov saying "Light bulbs vere really an old russian 
    invention", Spock to be fascinated by the illogic inherent in the early 
    demise of the light bulb, Scotty to do the work, and Kirk to get the girl.

A:  (long version)
    The Enterprise is transporting a stuffy, pompous Federation diplomat
    to a crucial peace conference when the bulb burns out. Scotty rigs up
    some odds and ends that will keep it burning for twenty-four hours 
    but they need to get a replacement in that time. So the ship makes an
    emergency detour to Alpha Regula IV, the nearest planet with any 
    known light bulb stocks. However, when Kirk, Spock, McCoy and three 
    security men beam down, a Klingon ship appears, so Scotty warps the
    Enterprise out of orbit. Meanwhile, on the planet, two of the 
    security men are killed by a sentient energy field and the other dies
    when a native throws a poisoned spear at him. Kirk, Spock and McCoy 
    are taken prisoner by the natives, who mistakenly assume them to be 
    in league with the energy field which has been killing them, too.
    Kirk realizes that they have tons of light bulbs which could be 
    useful to the Federation, so he attempts to communicate with the 
    chief, who agrees to let Kirk have the light bulbs if he survives a
    duel with the tribe's greatest warrior. In a rough, tough and bone
    crunching fight, Kirk wins at the last minute. In gratitude, the 
    chief allows him to sleep with his daughter, who has fallen in love
    with him. McCoy cures his wife of her chronic illness and delivers
    her baby. As they celebrate, the energy field appears and is about to
    kill everybody when Spock uses a mindmeld to convince it the tribe is
    not a threat. Meanwhile, in space, Scotty has resisted the entreaties
    of the diplomat to fall for the Klingons' phony peace ploy, violating
    Federation law when he overrules him, but later the diplomat is 
    convinced when Scotty fights them off, and at the last minute, he 
    returns to orbit and beams up the landing party, who now have all the
    light bulbs the Federation needs. After the last commercial break, 
    they screw it in, and then Kirk, McCoy and Spock sit together on the
    bridge and make philosophical/humorous comments about what just 
    happened. That stock shot of the Enterprise flying off into the 
    starfield appears, and the episode ends.

Q:  How many members of the Impossible Missions Force does it take to 
    change a light bulb? 
A:  Five: While Cinnamon creates a diversion by wearing a skimpy dress, 
    I use a tiny narcotic dart to knock out the fascist dictator and 
    remove his body. Rollin, wearing a plastic mask, masquerades as the 
    dictator long enough for Barney to sneak up to the next floor, drill a 
    hole down into the light fixture, remove the burned-out bulb, and 
    replace it with a new super-high wattage model of his own design. 
    Meanwhile, Willie has driven up to the door in a laundry truck. Just 
    before Rollin's real identity is revealed, we escape to the laundry 
    truck, drive to the airfield, and return to the United States. 

Q:  How many Artificial Intelligence (AI) people does it take to
    change a lightbulb?
A:  At least 55: The problem space group (5) [One to define the goal state, 
    One to define the operators, One to describe the universal problem solver, 
    One to hack the production system, One to indicate about how it is a model 
    of human lightbulb changing behaviour], The logical formalism group (16): 
    [One to figure out how to describe lightbulb changing in first order logic,
    One to figure out how to describe lightbulb changing in second order logic,
    One to show the adequacy of FOL, One to show the inadequacy of FOL, One to
    show that lightbulb logic is non-monotonic, One to show that it isn't 
    non-monotonic, One to show how non-monotonic logic is incorporated in FOL,
    One to determine the bindings for the variables, One to show the
    completeness of the solution, One to show the consistency of the solution, 
    One to show that the two just above are incoherent, One to hack a theorem 
    prover for lightbulb resolution, One to suggest a parallel theory of 
    lightbulb logic theorem proving, One to show that the parallel theory isn't
    complete. ...ad infinitum (or absurdum, as you will). ... One to indicate 
    how it is a description of human lightbulb changing behaviour, One to call
    the electrician], The robotics group (10): [One to build a vision system 
    to recognize the dead bulb, One to build a vision system to locate a new 
    bulb, One to figure out how to grasp the lightbulb without breaking it, One
    to figure out how to make a universal joint that will permit the hand to 
    rotate 360+ degrees, One to figure out how to make the universal joint go 
    the other way, One to figure out the arm solutions that will get the arm to
    the socket, One to organize the construction teams, One to hack the 
    planning system, One to get Westinghouse to sponsor the research, One to 
    indicate about how the robot mimics human motor behaviour in lightbulb 
    changing], The knowledge engineering group (6): [One to study electricians'
    changing lightbulbs, One to arrange for the purchase of the lisp machines, 
    One to assure the customer that this is a hard problem and that great
    accomplishments in theory will come from his support of this effort (The 
    same one can arrange for the fleecing.), One to study related research, One
    to indicate about how it is a description of human lightbulb changing 
    behaviour, One to call the lisp hackers], The Lisp hackers (13): [One to 
    bring up the chaos net, One to adjust the microcode to properly reflect the
    group's political beliefs, One to fix the compiler, One to make 
    incompatible changes to the primitives, One to provide the Coke, One to 
    rehack the Lisp editor/debugger, One to rehack the window package, Another 
    to fix the compiler, One to convert code to the non-upward compatible Lisp 
    dialect, Another to rehack the window package properly, One to flame on 
    BUG-LISPM, Another to fix the microcode, One to write the fifteen lines of 
    code required to change the lightbulb], The Psychological group (5): [One 
    to build an apparatus which will time lightbulb changing performance, One
    to gather and run subjects, One to mathematically model the behaviour, One 
    to call the expert systems group, One to adjust the resulting system, so 
    that it drops the right number of bulbs.

Q:  How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb?
A:  Such number as may be deemed necessary to perform the stated task in a 
    timely and efficient manner within the strictures of the following 
    agreement:

Whereas the party of the first part, also known as "The Lawyer", and the party 
of the second part, also known as "The Light Bulb", do hereby and forthwith 
agree to a transaction wherein the party of the second part (Light Bulb) shall 
be removed from the current position as a result of failure to perform 
previously agreed upon duties, i.e., the lighting, elucidation, and otherwise 
illumination of the area ranging from the front (north) door, through the entry
way, terminating at an area just inside the primary living area, demarcated by 
the beginning of the carpet, any spillover illumination being at the option of 
the party of the second part (Light Bulb) and not required by the 
aforementioned agreement between the parties. The aforementioned removal 
transaction shall include, but not be limited to, the following steps: 
1.) The party of the first part (Lawyer) shall, with or without elevation at 
his option, by means of a chair, stepstool, ladder or any other means of 
elevation, grasp the party of the second part (Light Bulb) and rotate the party
of the second part (Light Bulb) in a counter-clockwise direction, said 
direction being non-negotiable.  Said grasping and rotation of the party of the
second part (Light Bulb) shall be undertaken by the party of the first part
(Lawyer) with every possible caution by the party of the first part (Lawyer) to
maintain the structural integrity of the party of the second part (Light Bulb),
notwithstanding the aforementioned failure of the party of the second part 
(Light Bulb) to perform the aforementioned customary and agreed upon duties. 
The foregoing notwithstanding, however, both parties stipulate that structural 
failure of the party of the second part (Light Bulb) may be incidental to the 
aforementioned failure to perform and in such case the party of the first part 
(Lawyer) shall be held blameless for such structural failure insofar as this 
agreement is concerned so long as the non-negotiable directional codicil 
(counter-clockwise) is observed by the party of the first part (Lawyer) 
throughout. 
2.) Upon reaching a point where the party of the second part (Light Bulb) 
becomes separated from the party of the third part ("Receptacle"), the party of
the first part (Lawyer) shall have the option of disposing of the party of the 
second part (Light Bulb) in a manner consistent with all applicable state, 
local and federal statutes. 
3.) Once separation and disposal have been achieved, the party of the first 
part (Lawyer) shall have the option of beginning installation of the party of 
the fourth part("New Light Bulb"). This installation shall occur in a manner 
consistent with the reverse of the procedures described in step one of this 
selfsame document, being careful to note that the rotation should occur in a 
clockwise direction, said direction also being non-negotiable.

NOTE: The above described steps may be performed, at the option of the party 
of the first part (Lawyer), by said party of the first part (Lawyer), by his 
heirs and assigns, or by any and all persons authorized by him to do so, the 
objective being to produce a level of illumination in the immediate vicinity of
the aforementioned front (north) door consistent with maximization of ingress 
and revenue for the party of the fifth part, also known as "The Firm".

Q:  How many DEC employees does it take to change a light bulb?
A:  92 - As follows:
2 People    -    Preliminary discussion of concept change.
1 Person    -    Devise and write formal bulb architecture.
2 People    -    Feasibility study and timetable of events.
2 People    -    Produce four utilities to reduce screw-in time (in 
                        addition to the electric utility).
1 Person    -    Maintain ISO and DEC standards (sockets, voltage, 
                        AC/DC).
4 People    -    Commonality task force on bulb change.
15 People    -    Change bulb.
5 People    -    Perform bulb functional test.
2 People    -    Perform bulb load test.
3 People    -    Perform bulb regression test.
1 Person    -    Perform bulb performance analysis.
1 Person    -    Perform bulb bottleneck analysis.
1 Person    -    Follow-up study (bulb merge feasibility).
1 Person    -    Interface with Utilities Commission.
1 Person    -    Interface with users. (Did they want incandescent when 
                        we only supply non-tunable fluorescent point product?) 
                        BAX (Bulbs Are eXpensive)!
5 People    -    Perform BOSE (Build Other Socket Enhancements) 
                        compatibility/architecture study.
3 People    -    Ensure form (round/square, clear/frosted) follows 
                        function (wattage, 120/140 volts, visible/ultraviolet, 
                        flashing, flood/spot).
3 People    -    Implement temporary alternative bulb socket for already
                        (!?) existing, successful, and profitable socket 
                        (bulb-in-one).
5 People    -    Determine how to market/package/distribute temporary 
                        alternative bulb socket.
10 People    -    Determine how to perform bulb change product split 
                        (control - switches, dimmers; versus implementation - 
                        screw-in torque, recovery strategies).
1 Person    -    Interface with Utilities Commission quality assurance 
                        group.
1 Person    -    Submit to BDC (Bulb Distribution Center).
1 Person    -    Set up BPR (Bulb Problem Reports) system.
10 People    -    Answer customer BPRs.
11 People    -    Football team to challenge bulb changers.


            The Dark Sucker Theory (courtesy of rec.humor.d)
            ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

    For years, it has been believed that electric bulbs emit light,
but recent information has proved otherwise.  Electric bulbs don't
emit light; they suck dark.  Thus, we call these bulbs Dark Suckers.

    The Dark Sucker Theory and the existence of dark suckers prove
that dark has mass and is heavier than light.

    First, the basis of the Dark Sucker Theory is that electric bulbs
suck dark.  For example, take the Dark Sucker in the room you are in.
There is much less dark right next to it than there is elsewhere.  The
larger the Dark Sucker, the greater its capacity to suck dark.
Dark Suckers in the parking lot have a much greater capacity to suck
dark than the ones in this room.

    So with all things, Dark Suckers don't last forever.  Once they are
full of dark, they can no longer suck.  This is proven by the dark spot
on a full Dark Sucker. The dark which has been absorbed is then 
transmitted by pylons along to power plants where the machinery uses 
fossil fuel to destroy it.

    A candle is a primitive Dark Sucker.  A new candle has a white wick.
You can see that after the first use, the wick turns black, representing
all the dark that has been sucked into it.  If you put a pencil next to
the wick of an operating candle, it will turn black.  This is because
it got in the way of the dark flowing into the candle.  One of the
disadvantages of these primitive Dark Suckers is their limited range.

    There are also portable Dark Suckers.  In these, the bulbs can't
handle all the dark by themselves and must be aided by a Dark Storage
Unit.  When the Dark Storage Unit is full, it must be either emptied
or replaced before the portable Dark Sucker can operate again.

    Dark has mass.  When dark goes into a Dark Sucker, friction from
the mass generates heat.  Thus, it is not wise to touch an operating
Dark Sucker.  Candles present a special problem as the mass must travel
into a solid wick instead of through clear glass.  This generates a
great amount of heat and therefore it's not wise to touch an operating
candle. This is easily proven for lightbulbs too. When you compress a 
gas, it gets hot, right?  So the light bulb gets hot because of all the 
dark being squished into the wires.  

    Also, dark is heavier than light.  If you were to swim just below
the surface of the lake, you would see a lot of light.  If you were to
slowly swim deeper and deeper, you would notice it getting darker and
darker.  When you get really deep, you would be in total darkness.  This
is because the heavier dark sinks to the bottom of the lake and the
lighter light floats at the top.  The is why it is called light.

    Dark Suckers are only able to suck dark in a straight line. Dark, because
of its mass, will not penetrate solid, opaque objects as it is being sucked by
a Dark Sucker. When a Dark Sucker is operating, you will notice that dark that
is behind a solid, opaque object does not flow through the object or around it
to the Dark Sucker. Some of the dark will accumulate on the side of the object
away from the Dark Sucker as the Dark Sucker attempts to pull it through the
object. These residual patches of dark are often referred to as `shadows.' Some
surfaces are able to function as secondary Dark Suckers by sucking the dark
from behind solid objects at an angle and then rerouting it to the primary Dark
Sucker. These surfaces have a property we refer to as `reflective.'

    Finally, we must prove that dark is faster than light.  If you were
to stand in a lit room in front of a closed, dark closet, and slowly
opened the closet door, you would see the light slowly enter the closet.
But since dark is so fast, you would not be able to see the dark leave
the closet. So next time you see an electric bulb, remember that it is 
not a light emitter but a Dark Sucker.

The following line doesn't quite fit into the theory but almost does : -
Ever seen the blue glow in vacuum tubes?  That's because electrons are blue.

Q:  How many earthlings does it take to shjlexrifby a grlbugre?
A:  Indeterminate:  they don't even know what a grlbugre is, let alone how to
    shjlexrifby!

> Not funny, sorry.

Of course not; that's the second level to the joke !  
Not only do we not know how/what, we are we can't even comprehend the joke.  
Kind of like "How many australopithecines does it take to change a lightbulb ?"

(I heard this joke from one of the sentient liquid-helium creatures (ybriki) 
from kappa indri IX. (This star is not visible to the naked eye from earth.
Of course, liquid helium only exists at temperatures within a 
couple of degrees of absolute zero, and the liquid has several peculiar 
characteristics. For this story, three of the important characteristics are 
that it exists only as a layer 1 atom thick on any surface; that opposing 
flows of the liquid pass through each other without resistance; and that it
adheres to surfaces by the strong nuclear force, which is orders of magnitude 
stronger than gravity. Consequently, they are essentially two-dimensional, can 
not conceive of a third physical dimension (any more than we can concieve of 
any of the physical dimensions 4 through 13), and have great difficulty 
participating in team sports.

The following is a summary of a long interview conducted through several layers 
of insulating glassine, using a faulty universal translator.

A grlbugre is a very distant cousin of the lightbulb, although because of the 
physical constraints of ybrik ecology, it is two-dimensional and must never 
exceed a temperature of 3.4 degrees kelvin; otherwise it will evaporate any 
ybrik within the heated radius.  It doesn't actually radiate light either, as 
ybriki have nothing resembling eyes, nor any need for them. It actually 
broadcasts what we might interpret as a form of emotion.  This is generated by 
circulating two or more opposing currents of liquid helium, each contaminated 
by a specific set of chemicals, over the surface of a small disk of solid 
oxygen.  We call this disk an electrode, although the analogy is very poor.

Now: "shjlexrifby".  As best as I can discern, this involves simultaneously 
altering the characteristics of the 'electrode' to a state that is -not- 
superconducting (while not altering its temperature), while introducing 
higher-level harmonics into the flow of -one- of the helium currents and 
reducing the concentration of neon in the other.  This results in a subtle 
change in the spectrum of the grlbugre emissions, which informs the ybrik 
that the mating season has begun.

Now,  mating among the ybriklo; that's another complicated story....

*** News item waiting to be turned into a joke ***
In the airport interview Bob Dylan held shortly after arriving in London for
his 1965 tour, he arrived carrying a large inflatable light bulb.  He claimed
it was given to him "a very affectionate friend" but suggested upon further
questioning that there was no deeper reason why he was carrying this light
bulb. This interview, and Dylan arriving with the light bulb, can be seen in 
the documentary film on Dylan's 1965 appearances in England called "Don't Look
Back," which is an outstanding feature length film I would call required
viewing for Dylan fans.

*** Another news item also waiting to be turned into a joke ***
Some French pop singer (Claud Francois I think) apparently slipped over and 
died whilst standing up in the bath to change a lightbulb...

An item from a user on uk.misc : -
We developed a unique lighting system, that used only about a quarter of 
the electricity for the same amount of light etc.
We won a Green award for it.
After spending about 250,000 pounds, we now have a company with a good 
design, but no orders etc.
Does that count as a lightbulb joke ?

*** Yet another item waiting to be turned into a joke ***
Victor Meldrew (of "One foot in the grave" fame) starred in an advert in which
he's moving house but first stealing everything out of the old house. Then
comes a naff joke about having paid enough mortgage repayments to buy enough
lightbulbs to put Blackpool tower to shame. Then he gets into the car and
accidentally sits on the lightbulb. Ouch for both ! When asked what about a tip
for the removal men, he offers "Never put a lightbulb in your back pocket !"

And now, the winner of the Most Obtuse Award:

The question arises: has anyone discovered the academic rewards to be reaped 
from developing new techniques of light bulb changing that require, say, three 
chairs instead of two; or light bulb theory, in which it is discovered what 
configurations of light bulb changers are equivalent and what classes of light
bulb changing patterns can be distinguished...  ["Two-Way, Three-Chair Light 
Bulb Changing Teams Are NP-Complete!", L.R. Knuth, L.A.L.R. Floyd, and E.R. 
(Extremely Right) Dijk-stra, SIAM Journal on Light Bulbs, vol. 43, no. 3, March
1972]

From a post on alt.humor.best-of-usenet : -
One of many possible new schemes for encoding messages:
  * Implosion Method.  Write message on lightbulb.  Implode lightbulb. 
Recipient then reverses time continuum and grabs pre-imploded lightbulb
from alternate timeline, reads message, and tosses back for implosion
before anybody notices.
  Advantages:  NSA Clipper plans (oddly enough) do not extend as far as
including key/escrow chips in all time travel devices.
  Disadvantages:  Useless against the Great Race of Yith.

And finally - an item cut out from a newspaper ;

Headline : SHEDDING LIGHT ON AN OLD JOKE

How many people does it take to change a light bulb ? Forty-three, if they are
US government workers, an anti-bureaucracy drive has discovered. Regulations at
a Colorado power plant, where the bulb was a warning light, called for a
seven-man "work-control meeting", talks with workers who had changed the bulb
before plus approval from safety, logistics, waste management and scheduling
officials. Someone had to order the repair, someone else supervise it and
someone else again check the new bulb worked. It all took 1087.1 hours.

Same joke, same story, another incarnation : -
How many workers at Rocky Flats, the former nuclear weapon components
plant in Golden, Colo., should it take to change a light bulb?
Sixteen--and that's no joke: An internal memo written by a manager at the U.S. 
Department of Energy plant recommended a new safety procedure for "the 
replacement of a light bulb in a criticality beacon." The beacon, similar to 
the revolving red lamp atop a police car, warns workers of nuclear accidents. 
The memo said the job should take at least 16 people over 60 hours to replace 
the light. It added that the same job used to take 12 workers 4.15 hours. The 
memo called for a planner to meet with six others at a work-control meeting; 
talk with other workers who have done the job before; meet again; get 
signatures from five people at that work-control meeting; get the project plans
approved by separate officials overseeing safety, logistics, waste management 
and plant scheduling; wait for a monthly criticality-beacon test; direct 
electricians to replace the bulb; and then test and verify the repair.
Mark Obmascik in Denver Post (reprinted in Reader's Digest)

               Warm regards to all lightbulb joke fans. BRIAN.
               ===============================================

           _------_
         -~        ~-
        -     _      -
       -      |>      -
       -      |<      -
        -     |>     -
         -    ||    -
          -   ||   -                   
           -__||__-                    
           |______|
           <______>
           <______>
              \/

             ___,-----.___
         ,--'             `--.
        /                     \
       /                       \
      |                         |
     |                           |
     |        |~~~~~~~~~|        |
     |        \         /        |
      |        \       /        |
       \        \     /        /
        \        |   |        /
         \       |   |       /
          \      |   |      /
           \     |   |     /
            \____|___| ___/
            )___,-----'___(
            )___,-----'___(
            )___,-----'___(
            )___,-----'___(
            \_____________/
                 \___/

And now for some waffle (flames to alt.black.hole) from alt.fan.lightbulbs : -
(I'll turn some of this lot into proper jokes when I get the inspiration...)

Hello fellow lightbulb fans!

Be sure to check out _Gravity's Rainbow_ by Thomas Pynchon... about
2/3 of the way through he stops the narrative to give a "biography
of a lightbulb" that happens to be illuminating the action.  This is
no ordinary bulb, but Byron the Bulb, an "immortal" bulb.  Freed from
the threat of burning out, he schemes against the G.E. company, etc.

I happen to be of the opinion that lightbulbs are fatalists. They enjoy nothing
so much as conspiring to commit suicide in some interesting and noisy fashion.
For instance not more than a week ago a light fixture in my kitchen fell to the
floor with a resounding *CRUNCH* no doubt at the instigation of the neurotic 
and suicidal lightbulb at the helm.
They also make a wonderful *CRASH* if you throw a whole box of them out 
of the hotel window.

What we need is more good uses for these wonderful things that come in
every shape, size, and wattage, these things we call lightbulbs. 

Lightbulbs can be made into a nice pipe by pulling the end off with pliers
and then cleaning the inside throughly. Heat the bulb with torch, blow hole,
and there you go.... (Had to add in my favorite lightbulb use)

And someone suggests using them as dildoes. 
Lots of shapes and sizes, just like men. Easy to warm up to the temperature
you prefer, at the flick of a switch. Neither your mother nor your husband
ask that embarrassing question, "I'm surprised YOU need one of those!?!" if
they see it by the side of your bed. Available in a wide range of shops.
Purchased without question, smirking or leering by shop staff. 
Ummm, if you think I am kidding, just ask someone who works in accident
and emergency in a hospital...

In the past I have noticed that if one puts a half-silvered halogen bulb
into a household microwave it makes a quite spectacular little lightshow
whith moving globs of colored light and such.  If you only go for a few
seconds at a time you can repeat this a number of times with a single
bulb.  If you let it go too long the bulb explodes nicely.
I was just wondering if anybody had any thoughts on precisely what was
happening on the physical level to cause the nice light show, how this
might vary based on type of bulb, etc. Anybody?


Now this should get some controversy going.
According to the British television show "The Secret Life of Machines", halogen
incandescent bulbs convert 25% of the energy they consume to light versus 10% 
for ordinary incandescent bulbs.  The rest of the energy is converted to heat. 
Note I say converted to heat not wasted as heat.  In the winter, I turn all of 
the lights on in my apartment (~1KW) when I'm home and stay nice and warm. It's 
nice and bright and the central heating rarely comes on. So, is my incandescent
lamp heating system 90% efficient or am I just creating more acid rain to fall 
on the British?

Comment:  Lightbulbs will be no more. :-( Looks like tubes (fluorescent) are 
          in and bulbs are out. Unless beryllium is used in tubes...
Response: Tubes have no filaments so they definitely do not rule.
          They suck, they SUCK! Yeah mmm heheh. Except the colored ones, 
          which are pretty cool. Btw, uh huh, you said "tube", uh huh.

>What in god's name is "wolfram". Sounds like a bizarre marital aid.

	Okay, every lightbulb fan should know that Wolfram

	1) is the metal the filament of a lightbulb is made out of
	2) is also known as "Tungsten" and chemically denoted "W" 
	3) Is the surname of Stephen Wolfram, an obscure mathematician/computer
	   scientist.  (It's hard to tell with these damn light bulb jokes.)
	4) atoms have 74 electrons in 6 shells and a mass of 183.85 g/mole
	5) hence belongs to group VI, period 6, 6 also being the number
	   of chemical engineers it takes to screw in a lightbulb, for
	   reasons too obvious to elaborate on
(Too bad, they're not so obvious as to be obvious to me...)
	Class dismissed, see ya next week.


             How many hobbits does it take to change a light bulb?

     __________________________________________________________________

  One to complain that the light bulb isn't working,

  Five to hold a meeting to decide what to do about it,

  Twenty to form an expedidtion to the fabled Lightbulb mines of Mythrill,

  Thirty to throw a going away party,

  One to ask Gandalf for directions,

  One to sell into slavery when the petty cash runs out,

  Five to get lost through natural wastage (Bandist, murderers, monsters
etc),

  One to thrown to the Dragon that guards the Lightbulb mine,

  Two to carry the lightbulbs,

  Five to find a large, sword-welding barbarian to escort the lightbulbs
home,

  Thirty to throw a safe return party,

  Five to find an elf tall enough to change the lightbulb,

  Five to compose ballads of daring, heroism, sacrifice and lightbulbs,

  Finally another two-hundred to appear in the subsequent Tolkien books.

___________________________________________________________________________


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