Script: Sweet Obsessions
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* HERMAN'S HEAD *
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SCRIPT
"SWEET OBSESSIONS"
(episode 20)
by David Landsberg
Original airdate (Fox): 03/08/92
Script transcribed by Stephen Hill
(Email: steve.d.hill@gmail.com)
Written on the 4th May 1994.
Episode synopsis:
In order to get Bracken to quit smoking, everyone in the
research department agrees to give up one of their own bad
habits. The only problem is the corporate consultant who
now thinks the whole staff is crazy - and ripe for firing.
-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-
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* Characters and their abbreviations *
**************************************
Regular cast:
Herman Brooks .................... William Ragsdale
Jay Nichols ...................... Hank Azaria
Heddy Newman ..................... Jane Sibbett
Louise Fitzer .................... Yeardley Smith
Angel ............................ Molly Hagan
Animal ........................... Ken Hudson Campbell
Wimp ............................. Rick Lawless
Genius ........................... Peter MacKenzie
Paul Bracken ..................... Jason Bernard
Guest Cast:
Mr. Waterton ..................... George O. Petrie
Bob Kelly ........................ Michael Cutt
Sally Wainwright ................. Kit Flanagan
ABBREVIATIONS
Main Characters :
_____________________________
/Herman = H / Louise = L /|
/Heddy = HD / Bracken = B / /
/Jay = J / Crawford = C / /
/____________/_______________/ /
|____________|_______________|/
'Brain' Characters:
__________________________
/Angel = A / Wimp = W /|
/Animal = AN / Genius = G / /
/____________/____________/ /
|____________|____________|/
Other characters' names are shown in full.
/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\
<OPEN: Herman and Jay in the elevator. Jay is looking in a newspaper...>
H : You're not looking through the personals again Jay?
Don't you remember what happened last time with that women?
J : First of all Herman, the hair grew back. And second, I'm not reading the
personals. I'm looking through the 'Career Opportunity' section.
H : Look, I've told you, Waterton Publishing is not going broke - we just lost
some money last year.
J : Hey, it is rough out there Hermo. Nobody is hiring right now. If Waterton
does start cutting back, I'll need something stable and secure to fall
back on. Ah! - Here we go: "Be an Actor."
H : Jay, have you ever acted before?
J : Are you kidding? - Listen to this...<looks serious> "I love you. I have
always loved you - I wouldn't ask you to do this with me if I didn't love
you." <slaps Herman> That's acting.
<Herman enters the office.....>
H : Good morning all.
L : Morning Herman.
H : Good morning Louise. <pause> What is that smell?
L : This is New York City Herman, which smell do you mean?
H : That.. burning smell?
L : Oh, that. I think Mr. Bracken has started smoking again.
H : He hasn't smoked in three years, I can't believe he'd start again.
<Bracken walks out of his office with a lit cigarette..>
H : Mr.Bracken, are you smoking?
B : No Herman, I'm on fire.
L : Don't you know you're polluting the air...
H : <interrupting> And you're forcing us to breath your smoke. Besides that,
there is a more tragic and personal side to all of this.
HD : Exactly. You're stinking out my clothes.
B : This is my department, and I'll smoke if I want to!
H : Mr.Waterton doesn't like it.
B : I don't care!
<Mr.Waterton and Sally Wainwright (a consultant) walk into the office.>
Mr.Waterton : Good morning everyone.
<Mr.Bracken hurriedly puts his cigarette out behind him.>
B : Oh - Mr.Waterton! <waves his hands around in the air to get rid of the
smoke. Mr.Waterton thinks Mr.Bracken is waving at him.>
Mr.Waterton : <waving back in a similar manner> Hello Paul.
B : Good of you to come down and see us, Sir.
Mr.Waterton : <diverting attention to Sally> This is Sally Wainwright,
she's with the consulting company I hired to help me cut costs.
S.Wainwright : Hello.
All : Hello.
B : <to Mr.Waterton> I heard we lost a little money.
Mr.Waterton : A little money is when you lose twenty dollars at the dry
cleaners. I lost 50 million dollars.
H : Have you checked your other pants? <Herman and Louise laugh quietly>
Mr.Waterton : Twice. <Herman and Louise stop laughing.> Well, <ushering
Sally>, we have other departments to see.
<As they leave, Mr.Waterton turns around, and waves his arms around the same
way as earlier>
Mr.Waterton : Bye Paul!
B : Alright, let's get back to work.
H : Mr.Bracken.....
B : <interrupting> Herman, you're not going to be one of those pain-in-the-
neck-don't-smoke-around-me kind of people are you?
H : Well as a matter of fact, I am.
B : Fine! I won't smoke in the office. <he walks into his office and slams
the door in Herman's face>
L : Herman, it was very brave of you to confront him like that.
H : Well if he wants to smoke, he's just going to have to go outside.
<Mr.Bracken is seen outside, smoking on the window ledge. Herman goes to the
window and opens it.>
H : Mr.Bracken, what are you doing out there?
B : Smoking. I hope I'm not bothering you.
H : This is ridiculous! Why don't you just stop?
B : You think it's so easy?
H : I'm not saying it's easy, but if I had to do it I could.
B : Oh, you say that because you never smoke. Let me see you give up
something that you're addicted to.
H : Well I'm sorry Mr.Bracken, but I don't have any addictions.
B : Oh really? How about that four pounds of sugar you eat every day? Every
time I look at you, you're eating a doughnut, a bearclaw or a cookie.
H : That's not an addiction, I eat that stuff because I like it - Besides,
I can quit any time I want to.
B : I'll tell you what, I'll quit smoking. Let me see you give up sugar.
H : Fine. I can do that.
B : I mean _all_ sugar.
<cut to brain>
A : This is a wonderful opportunity to help Mr.Bracken stop smoking. And if we
don't eat sugar, we'll show him how easy it is to give up an addiction.
AN : Yeah, what's in it for us?
A : Well, we'll be contributing to the health and well-being of someone
we care about.
AN : What's in it for us?
<Genius walks up to Animal..>
G : Sex!
AN : I'm in! <walks off>
G : <to Angel> You gotta know how to speak his language.
<cut back to the window ledge>
H : Okay - I don't eat sugar, and you don't smoke.
B : Let the games begin!
<Mr.Bracken throws his cigarette off the window ledge. Herman lifts up the
trash can lid and chucks his doughnut into it. Herman walks back into the
office and Mr.Bracken goes back to his office. Herman walks towards his desk,
but stops by Heddy.>
HD : Who are you you kidding Herman? You can't go one hour without
eating sugar.
H : You wanna bet?
HD : Yeah. If you lose, you have to take me to the finest restaurant
in New York.
H : And if I win?
HD : Then I guess somebody else will have to take me. <smiles>
<new scene. Cuts to Herman walking out of the elevator to see
Jay writhing on the floor in front of a small crowd of people.
Herman hurries towards him, worried.>
H : Jay! Are you okay?
Crowd : Shhhhh!
<Jay writhes around for a little longer, then gets up and triumphantly says:>
J : Bacon frying!
<The crowd clap appreciatively.>
J : Tomorrow, a gentle rosebud opening on the first day of spring. <he smiles
and gently strokes the face of a women in the crowd>
<The crowd claps again before returning to do what they were doing before..>
H : What the _hell_ was that all about?
J : I'm serious about finding another career Herm, I started an acting class.
I discovered I'm a thespian trapped in a man's body. <he finishes putting
on his coat, and walks out of shot.>
<Herman walks back into the office. Heddy is there with a trolley full
of doughnuts and other goodies.>
HD : Doughnut, Herman?
<cut to brain. Animal is walking around anxiously>
A : What's wrong with him?
G : I don't know - he's been like that for the last two days.
<pause>
A : Oh - this is ridiculous, someone should talk to him.
W : Not me!
A : We'll all draw straws <magically produces three straws.>
<They all draw their straws. Genius gets the shortest one, but as Wimp looks
at Angel, proud that he hasn't got to confront Animal, Genius produces some
scissors and trims Wimp's straw to a miniscule size.>
G : You lose!
W : <slightly puzzled> Well, fair's fair. <He walks off> Ah - excuse me!
<there is a loud roar from Animal, and the Wimp is seen flying across the
screen.>
<cut back to the office>
H : Oh boy! A healthy rice cake, and black coffee. No sugar. <slurps coffee>
Mmmm! <spits coffee past his terminal> Not bad! It's going very well.
<Herman notices something in the trash. He looks round to see if anyone is
watching him, then he pulls out a mouldy old doughnut from the trash can.>
<cut to brain - All the brain characters are standing in a circle holding a
massive mouldy doughnut>
AN : I..I want it.
W : But it's dirty and mouldy.
G : Oh, no no. Don't think of it as dirt - think of it as minerals,
and technically, mould could be considered a vegetable.
W : I'm sold - let's eat!
<They go to start eating...>
A : Oh my God! We're holding garbage in our hands and contemplating eating it.
Mr.Bracken is right, we _are_ addicted to sugar.
AN : Okay okay. I don't have to eat it - just let me lick it once.
<Genius stops him>
G : Ah! We've heard that before.
<cut to office. Herman has the doughnut close to his mouth.
Louise is standing there.>
L : Hi Herman.
<The doughnut is launched into the trash can rather quickly>
H : Hi Louise.
L : How are you doing, how's the bet going?
H : Oh - doing...fine, Louise.
L : Do you think Mr.Bracken stuck to his deal?
H : Well, I don't know.
<Louise returns to her desk. A grumpy-looking Mr.Bracken walks in.>
H : <to Mr.Bracken> So, did you smoke last night?
<Mr.Bracken grabs Herman's pencil that he was holding, snaps it in two and
throws it onto Herman's desk. He walks towards his office without saying a
word. Bob Kelly (Vice President) walks into the office and up to Heddy's
desk.>
Mr.Kelly : Hi. Is Paul Bracken in?
HD : Why, yes he is. Who may I say is here?
Mr.Kelly : Bob Kelly, vice president with the company.
HD : Senior V.P or junior V.P?
Mr.Kelly : <authoritatively> Senior.
HD : Married?
Mr.Kelly : No.
HD : Engaged?
Mr.Kelly : No.
HD : Are you gay?
Mr.Kelly : No.
HD : <smiling> Hi, I'm Heddy Newman. <offers handshake.>
B : <angry voice> Kelly, what are you doing here?
Mr.Kelly : Well, you're not going to believe this but that consultant Waterton
hired is recommending cutting my _whole_ department.
B : So? What are you telling me for?
Mr.Kelly : Well, rumour has it that a lot more departments are going to be
cut. I came here to tell you there's an employee's meeting tomorrow, to
see if we can stop it. 4pm, MacAnally's.
<Bob Kelly walks out.>
L : My god, <whining> we're all going to lose our jobs!
B : Oh Louise, stop it. He was talking about other departments. Research
is _vital_ to this company. We have nothing to worry about.
<Mr.Bracken walks to Herman's desk>
B : Herman old buddy - What do you say we postpone that little agreement?
H : Well, considering the pressure we may be under,.......
HD : <interrupting and walking over to Herman's desk> Ha! I knew it. I knew
you couldn't do it. I won the bet.
H : We're going to do it Heddy, we're just not going to do it now.
B : Not while the company is in trouble.
HD : Oh you're just using this little scare as a way to get out of the bet.
H : You think it's so easy. Let's see you give up something.
HD : I have nothing to give up - I don't smoke, I don't stuff my face with
sugar, I'm perfect. Ask any man I ever dated. <laughs>
L : Ah ha! Men - that's your addiction.
HD : Don't be ridiculous, you can't be addicted to men.
L : Ya ha, I saw it on "Oprah".
HD : Well unlike those losers on "Oprah", I can kick it any time I want to.
H : Oh yeah? Well let's see you try, Heddy. <Mr.Bracken mumbles in
agreement.>
HD : Fine - I'll give up men. Piece of cake. Chocolate cake.
H : <not impressed> Kiss my butt! <cracking line! ;) >
HD : Oooh, some other time Herman - I've given up men. <they all walk off>
H : Alright <pointing to everyone in turn> No sugar, no cigarettes, no men.
L : I wanna do it too. I wanna give up something. I'm going to give up <pause>
Horseradish.
H : Louise, when you get a real addiction, let us know.
B : Alright - let's get back to work like it was a normal day.
<Sally Wainwright enters the office...>
S.Wainwright : Hello again. I've just came from accounting - had to let go of
half the department. Well, let's see what we can do here. Just go about
your business, don't mind me.
L : Looks like I picked a bad day to give up horseradish. <Takes a jar of
horseradish and a fork from her desk.>
<Cuts to Herman, who is licking the top of his (new) pencil. He seems to
like it ;) He carries on with his work )
<Cut to next day,. Herman walks into the office eating a rice cake.>
HD : Another delicious breakfast of ricecakes, Herman?
<Herman walks over to Heddy.>
H : So? How's your lovelife?
HD : Couldn't be better Herman - I dated myself last night. I took myself out
for a wonderful dinner, but over dessert I got a little mad at myself so this
morning I sent myself flowers and a lovely note of apology.
H : Okay - so after 1 day, you're obviously completely deranged <walks over
to Louise.> Good morning Louise.
L : Brazil nuts.
<Herman is puzzled>
H : Wha?
L : I'm giving up brazil nuts. I've had that monkey on my back way too long.
H : Alright Louise, the most important thing is to keep a level head, don't
let anything rattle you...
<Herman walks over to his desk, and notices that someone has put a chocolate
doughnut on his desk.>
H : Argh! Who the <mouths an expletive> hell put this chocolate doughnut on
my desk?! That is a sick thing to do, and whoever did it is a sick, sick
person <he throws the doughnut into the trash. Sally Wainwright walks up
to him.>
S.Wainwright : That was my doughnut.
<Herman starts getting the doughnut out of the trash can.>
H : Not to worry, I've done this before.
<cut to brain.>
G : Look what we're doing. We're behaving like a lunatic in front of
this women. I think that we should...
AN : <interrupting> Eat some cake!
A : What about Mr.Bracken? We have to support his effort to stop smoking.
I say we should...
AN : <interrupting> Eat some cake!
W : Why don't we...
AN : <interrupting> CAAAAAKE! <the Wimp flies out of shot from Animal's
voice.>
<cut to office. Herman gives Sally the doughnut, and she walks away.
Louise approaches her.>
L : You'll have to excuse Herman - he's a little on edge today. Brazil nut?
<Sally Wainwright signals a 'No' and walks away>
H : <to Louise> I thought you gave up brazil nuts?
L : I couldn't kick it Herman, it was _too big!_ <Louise walks off>
<Herman walks up to Sally.>
H : I don't want you to get the wrong idea Miss Wainwright. Normally this
is a very productive, warm, nurturing office.
<Cut to Mr.Bracken. He is by the entrance to the main office, and is shouting
at someone.>
B : OH, YEAH? WELL, I GOT SOMETHING FOR YOU TOO! <Bracken gives him the
finger (off camera); He walks in, notices Sally, and his mood changes..>
B: Good morning Miss Wainwright.
<Bob Kelly walks into the office.>
Mr.Kelly : Excuse me Paul, I...
HD : <Interrupting> Leave me alone.
Mr.Kelly : <distressed> Well, I was only..
HD : What is your story pal? Why do you keep throwing yourself at me? I've
told you, I'm off men - I'm clean. Now I never want to see you again!
<she pushes Bob.Kelly towards the entrance to the office.>
<cut to Mr.Bracken.>
B : Heddy, Herman, Louise? Can I see you in my office please?
<they all go in. Cut to inside of Mr.Bracken's office.>
B : <loud whispering> I'm calling this off!
H : B - but you can't do that, we made a deal!
B : Herman, we are about to lose our jobs. <points to all the 'gang'> I'm
smoking, you're eating, you're dating and, Louise - I don't even remember
what you were giving up.
L : I'm giving up being negative. From now on, no more negativity.
B : Forget it, the deal is off!
L : <throwing hands in the air and looking upwards> Yes!
H : Louise!
L : Just being positive Herman.
H : Now wait a minute, wait a minute - we're in too far. We can't give up now.
The last three days have been hell, and _I_ am not going to go through
this again.
B : Herman, this just isn't the time do this.
H : Mr.Bracken - I know we're under a lot of pressure, but there's always
going to be an excuse. I say we do it.
B : And if we don't, what do you propose to do about it?
H : I am a man, and I'll do what a man has to do.
<Herman walks over to Mr.Bracken and they both stand at their full height -
looking at each other menacingly>
H : <after a long pause> I'll call your wife and tell on you.
B : Herman, does the expression "Tell tell you smell" mean anything to you?
<Herman slowly walks around Mr.Bracken. He grabs the phone and attempts
to dial.>
B : Herman!
<Huge commotion ensues as Herman continues his attempts. All the other
characters are running around the table trying to stop him. After about five
seconds, Sally Wainwright opens the door. Herman, Mr.Bracken, Louise and Heddy
freeze and all smile at Sally.>
S.Wainwright : I just wanted to let you all know that I'm leaving.
B : On behalf of the research staff, we're glad you came!
S.Wainwright : You won't be tomorrow. I'm recommending that this department
be _completely_ dismantled.
L : <in a silly voice> Thank you! - And have a nice day!
<cut to MacAnally's. Everyone is gathered there>
HD : I don't know what they think this meeting is going to do, Waterton is
going to fire whomever he wants to fire.
L : <not speaking very clearly - she has something in her mouth> Yeah, you're
not kidding.
B : Louise, what the hell do you have in your mouth.
L : Chewing tobacco <spit> A little pinch between by cheek and gum - I'm ready
to roll. <sticks thumb up>
H : Louise, why did you start chewing tobacco?
L : So I could give it up! And let me tell you something - it's going
to be easy. <walks hurriedly out of the shot>
<A mime spots Mr.Bracken & co, and walks over to them.>
B : Oh god - a mime.
<The mime sits on Mr.Bracken's knee and starts miming.>
B : Have you been a mime long?
<The mime shakes his head.>
B : Have you ever been thrown through a plate glass window?
J : Lighten up Mr.Bracken. It's me, Jay.
B : Arrgh! <moves his leg quickly and Jay falls to the floor.>
H : Jay, what are you doing dressed like that?
J : Part of my training. All great actors were once mimes. Watch.
<Jay mimes taking a banana of a tree, peeling it, and then starts
to eat it.>
J : What am I doing?
B : Making a jackass out of yourself?
J : I'm going to France where I'll be appreciated! <throws the imaginary
half-banana onto the table and starts to walk away.>
B : Don't let the imaginary door hit you on the way out.
<Bob Kelly approaches the table.>
Mr.Kelly : Hi!
<all characters at the table greet him, but in a tone of voice that doesn't
make him feel welcome.>
Mr.Kelly : Well, I'm glad to see you people have made it, I've, er...got
some news for you...
H : <interrupting> Just a second. Do I smell baked goods?
Mr.Kelly : Yes. As a matter of fact we're setting up a refreshment table.
H : Refreshments? What kind of refreshments?
Mr.Kelly : Cookies, cakes, brownies, pies, puddings....
<Cut to brain. Animal is wearing a pink tutu and is dancing inside
a suspended ring of sugary food...Mr.Kelly is still talking...>
Mr.Kelly : Candies, doughnuts, ice cream sundaes.
H : Are..are these going to be freshly baked, baked goods?
Mr.Kelly : <Lighting up a cigarette> Sure.
<Mr.Bracken is looking at Mr.Kelly with interest.>
Mr.Kelly : Well, I've been meeting over the past couple of days with Miss
Wainwright, discussing a number of options we might take and....
H : <interrupting yet again> And as for the sundaes - are they going to be
"Make your own" sundaes?
HD : Will you leave the man alone with the stupid refreshments - he came over
here to talk to us for a reason.
Mr.Kelly : Thank you.
HD : <Grabbing Mr.Kelly's hand> I'm very attracted to you - <slaps his hand>
and don't talk to me!
Mr.Kelly : Look, if you're not interested in hearing what I have to say we can
just wait until I make my announcement to the entire group, alright?
B : Wait, don't go....
<Louise returns>
L : Hi - what are you guys talking about?
H : That man was talking about cakes, and..and cookies - weren't you?
<Mr.Kelly stubs out his half-finished cigarette>
B : W..Why did you put that out!
Mr.Kelly : Because I'm done!
B : Then light another one dammnit!
Mr.Kelly : <to group> Is he alright?
HD : <annoyed> Don't talk to me - why are you talking to me?
Mr.Kelly : <gets up> I think I have a meeting to start.
<Mr.Kelly leaves the table.>
B : <to 'gang'> He was going to light another one, I know he was.
<Mr.Kelly now stands at the front of the room and starts the meeting.>
Mr.Kelly : Now, if I could have everyone's attention please,
we can get started.
<Herman gets up and approaches Mr.Kelly.>
H : <interrupting> E..excuse me, excuse me. Where are the baked goods,
I was promised baked goods.
Mr.Kelly : I'm sure they're on their way.
<Herman sits down grudgingly.>
Mr.Kelly : Now, if there are no further questions, we can begin.
<Heddy stands up.>
HD : I have a question.
Mr.Kelly : I'm sure that you do.
HD : Why d'you keep staring at me like that?
Mr.Kelly : Could you please sit down.
HD : You want me and you know it!
<Herman and company start arguing. After a second or so, Mr.Bracken says..>
B : Now what's the matter with you people? What you need is a cigarette!
<Mr.Bracken sits down after more arguing. A loud whistle shuts them up.>
Mr.Kelly : If the people in Research are through interrupting, we can finally
begin. Now, I've met with Miss Wainwright and we've come to an agreement.
If everyone will take a 5 percent pay cut for the next two quarters - no-
one will be fired.
<Everyone claps>
Mr.Kelly : ..Except...For the Research department.
<Everyone claps again, apart from Herman & co.>
Mr.Kelly : Our consultant recommends that we use an outside firm for research.
She also suggests that you seek immediate psychiatric care.
<More clapping, everyone apart for Herman & co, who are still sitting
around the table and looking depressed.>
B : Well I dunno about you, but I am not gonna sit here and take
this - I'm going to do something about it.
<Mr.Bracken gets up and walks to the cigarette machine. With a cry of
"Arrggh!", he kicks the machine about 3 times, and then stoops to collect
the cigarette packs that have fallen out.>
<The refreshments arrive at long last, and Herman gets up.>
H : Clear the decks - all bets are off!
<Herman rushes to the goodies and digs in greedily. Mr Bracken returns
from the cigarette machine, smoking about 2 cigarettes in each hand.>
L : Its over - we're unemployed. Man, I could use a chew right about now.
<cut to brain. All the characters are sitting at a table full of desserts,
stuffing their faces. As the camera moves left down the table, a pig is seen
next to Animal. A few seconds later, Animal notices it.>
AN : Who's the new guy?
<Genius gets a flash of inspiration.>
G : Wait a minute!
<cut back to pub.>
H : I have an idea! <Goes over to the table> L..Look at us - are we going to
let it end like this? Are we going to give up without a fight? We have
nothing to lose, and with nothing to lose we have everything to gain.
So I say we go and see Waterton and try and get our jobs back!.....
God! What a sugar rush!
<All the characters leave. The shot cuts to Waterton's office.
Mr.Waterton is reading a form when all four characters burst in to his
office.>
Mr.Waterton : Don't you people believe in knocking?
H : Knocking is for people who have something to lose, and _we_ have
nothing to lose.
Mr.Waterton : You've got my interest, go on.
B : Herman, I'll handle this. <gasps> Mr.Waterton.. <gasps> Mr.Waterton..
<gasps>...
H : You'll have to excuse Mr.Bracken Sir, he's just smoked his own body
weight in tobacco.
<Mr.Bracken sits down>
Mr.Waterton : Very impressive.
B : Thank you Sir.
H : Sir.....
<cut to brain. The scene is total chaos! Angel is eating flowers, Animal is
running around in total panic, Wimp is stirring tea while spinning around (?),
and Genius is trying to organise things - all happening at double
speed!>
G : We have to present our case in an organised manner!
<cut back to Waterton's office>
H : Well, you're probably wondering why we're here. First, Mr.Bracken said
that there was nothing to worry about - _then_ he started smoking, so, I
gave up cookies. Then the women came so we had a meeting, and Lou..Heddy
hasn't been on a date, because, Louise is chewing tobacco. That's why Bob
Kelly gave me cookies. So, we ate. And then we came up here to talk to
you.....<his mouth ceases to work...After a couple of seconds, he says...>
Is it hot in here?
<cut to brain. All four brain characters are in a line facing the screen.
They all faint backwards at the same time.>
<cut back to Waterton's office. Herman faints into a nearby chair. Now it is
Louise's turn. She grabs a metal container from the front of Waterton's desk.>
L : Crash and burn. <she spits into the container>
Mr.Waterton : That was a fine story. Now what the hell was he talking about!?
HD : Mr.Waterton, the reason we're here is that we..we.we <her portable
telephone rings, and she answers it.> Hello? Oh, Adam, I'm sorry - I can't
talk right now, I'm with the president of the company...Oh - the Bahamas?
HD : <to Mr.Waterton> Would you excuse me, my aunt is _very_ ill. I'll be just
a second.
L : Mr.Waterton <spit> we're here because you've dismantled our department
<spit> and we've come to get our jobs back. <spit> By the way, this is a
really nifty spitoon..
Mr.Waterton : That's not a spitoon - it's my mother's ashes.
<Louise puts the container down and walks backwards with a horrified
look on her face.>
L : <Whining voice> Mr.Waterton, I am so sorry.
Mr.Waterton : It's OK, she was one big royal pain in the ass anyway.
<Herman comes to.>
H : Woowww..How long was I out for?
L : Long enough for me to spit on his mother's grave.
Mr.Waterton : Now let me get this straight. You've all been fired, right?
<All characters approach the table, saying words of agreement.>
Mr.Waterton : Well, clearly you people are lunatics. I've never seen such
stressed out, bizarre behaviour in my whole life.......I like it!
H : W..why did you let her fire us?
Mr.Waterton : You people may be insane, and incredibly overworked. But you're
the best research department in the business. And if that...consultant
fired you, then she's crazier than all of us put together. Now get back
to work!
B : Thank you Mr.Waterton.
<They all start to leave the office.>
Mr.Waterton : Oh, and by the way, Herman. That 50 million - it was in my
grey slacks the whole time. <He carries on reading the form.>
<cut back to the research department office.>
H : Well, that was a close one.
L : Yes it was! Good thing Mr.Waterton is crazier than we are.
HD : He sure is.
L : Do you have a date tonight?
HD : No.
L : Me neither - wanna go to the movies?
HD : Sure, what the heck. Maybe I have been focusing too much on men. This'll
be good for me. Not worrying about how much a man is willing to give me or
what he's going to do for me.
<Heddy stands by the door impatiently.>
HD : <to Louise> Aren't you going to open the door for me?
<They leave. Herman notices Mr.Bracken outside on the window ledge again.
He goes to the window.>
H : Mind if I join you?
B : Pull up some lead, sit down.
<Herman sits down.>
B : Cigarette?
<Herman produces a doughnut from the inside of his suit jacket.>
H : Oh - no thanks, I've got a three month-old doughnut I've been saving
for a special occasion.
<They eat/smoke>
H : Y'know Mr.Bracken - I owe you an apology.
B : You do?
H : Yeah. I guess I got kind of..... preachy there for a while. It's very
easy to tell someone to kick an addiction - it's a lot harder to do it.
I realise that now.
B : Well, thank you Herman. I know I should quit but...it's not easy.
H : I understand. Believe me I understand.......I really wish you'd try
to stop though.
B : Herman, I'm just your boss. Why do you care if I smoke?
H : Mr.Bracken, I wouldn't be out here with you right now if you were
just my boss.
B : My wife won't let me smoke, my kids won't let me smoke. Now you won't
let me smoke.
H : It must be awful having all those people care about you.
<Mr.Bracken smiles to Herman. He takes Herman's doughnut and puts his
cigarette out in it.>
B : That Heddy down there?
H : Yeah - that's her.
<Mr.Bracken carefully aims the doughnut and lets go of it. A few seconds pass
then Mr.Bracken and Herman 'celebrate' as it hits her! <out of shot.>
HD : <Voice in distance> Hey! Watch it!
END
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