Herman's Head Quotes List
THE HERMAN'S HEAD FAVOURITE QUOTES FILE
By Stephen Hill (Currently steve.d.hill@gmail.com)
First written : 3rd May 1994
Updates : 4th May, 8th May, 20th May, 22nd May, 31st May, 20th Oct, 31st Oct,
1st Nov, 7th Nov.
Episodes covered: (in order)
1/. Hard Times (16) ....................................... 8 entries
2/. How To Succeed In Business Without Really Dying (17) .. 8 entries
3/. Herman Au Natural (18) ................................ 13 entries
4/. First Time For Everything (19) ........................ 12 entries
5/. Sweet Obsessions (20) ................................. 8 entries
6/. A Kept Herman (21) .................................... 15 entries
7/. Guns 'N Neurosis (22) ................................. 9 entries
8/. Dirty, Rotten Scoundrels (23) ......................... 5 entries
9/. Bracken Up Is Hard To Do (24) ......................... 8 entries
10/. Twisted Sister (25) ................................... 11 entries
11/. BrackenHooker (26) .................................... 10 entries
12/. Stop Me Before I Help Again (27) ...................... 12 entries
13/. All's Affair In Love (28) ............................. 8 entries
14/. Sperm 'N' Herman (29) ................................. 6 entries
15/. Intern'al Affairs (30) ................................ 10 entries
16/. The Watertongate Break-In (32) ........................ 11 entries
17/. Untitled Girlfriend Project (33) ...................... 7 entries
18/. The 'C' Word (34) ..................................... 11 entries
19/. Feardom Of Speech (35) ................................ 10 entries
20/. Friends And Lovers (36) ............................... 5 entries
21/. Subterranean Homesick Blues (37) ...................... 9 entries
22/. The One Where They Go On The Love Boat (38) ........... 8 entries
23/. A Charlie Brown Fitzer (39) ........................... 9 entries
24/. Open All Night (40) ................................... 12 entries
25/. Gals-A-Poppin' (41) ................................... 9 entries
26/. Layla--The Unplugged Version (42) ..................... 4 entries
27/. My Funny Valentine (43) ............................... 7 entries
28/. Cat's In The Cradle (44) .............................. 4 entries
29/. Anatomy Of A Blind Date (45) .......................... 8 entries
30/. God, Girls And Herman (46) ............................ 5 entries
31/. Fired In A Crowded Research Room (47).................. 6 entries
32/. Love Me Two Timer (48) ................................ 8 entries
33/. I Wanna Go Home (49) .................................. 2 entries
Total entries = 278. Average entries per episode = 8.4
*******************
* EDITORIAL STUFF *
*******************
Here are a selection of my favourite quotes from episodes of "Herman's Head".
Some of them are short, and some definitely are NOT - in these cases lots of
text had to be included to keep it funny . In most cases, some background of
the situation is given in '<' and '>' characters.
Please distribute this as much as possible. All that I ask is that you don't
fiddle with the text. If you have any suggestions for changes to this file,
then please contact me. Special thanks to Jan Nielsen for pointing out typo's
and grammatical mistakes!
I also write scripts for this show (what an addict, eh ;) ). You will notice
that there are entries in this file from shows that I haven't written scripts
for. The reason for this is simple. It takes about 45 minutes to work through
1 episode to get quotes. It takes about 5 hours to do a script.... If I was a
person payed to be a couch potato, then maybe I'd do scripts for all the
shows, but for now it's just going to be episodes that I find particularly
funny.
Another thing to note is that the punctuation may be a bit wonky in places, as
I have tried to recreate HOW the stuff was said. Hopefully this won't affect
the readability of the quotes too much.
Well, enjoy them anyway. ;)
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
**************************************
* Characters and their abbreviations *
**************************************
Main Characters :
_____________________________
/Herman = H / Louise = L /|
/Heddy = HD / Bracken = B / /
/Jay = J / Crawford = C / /
/____________/_______________/ /
|____________|_______________|/
'Brain' Characters:
__________________________
/Angel = A / Wimp = W /|
/Animal = AN / Genius = G / /
/____________/____________/ /
|____________|____________|/
Other characters' names are shown in full.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
**************
* Hard Times *
**************
<Jay and Herman are at a photo shoot with lots of beautiful women. They are
approached by one of the models...>
Jennifer : Agency guys, right?
H: Oh - actually, we're..<gets nudged by Jay>
J: ..Agency executives.
Jennifer: On. Well, do me a favour. Do you think guys like this hoisted high,
or low? <points to the 'lower' half of her bikini ;> )
J: H..Okay.. <already quite excited> Now let's see it low.
<she moves it low>
J: High. <she moves it high>
J: Low. <she moves it low>
J: High. <she moves it high>
J: You know what? I think we could lose it altogether.
**************
* Hard Times *
**************
<Louise returns from taking photos with a guy at the photo shoot>
L: Thanks a lot Tony, I really appreciate it.
Tony: My pleasure Louise.
L: Oh, and I'm sorry I grabbed your butt like that!
Tony: It happens.<he dissapears>
H: <to Louise> You like him huh?
L: Like him!? I wanna see him naked in a tub full of jello - I wanna rub
tomato sauce all over his body - I wanna eat ice cream off his chest!
H: Louise??!?!
L: Sorry - I haven't had lunch yet.
**************
* Hard Times *
**************
L: Heddy, I need your advice about men.
HD: You don't have to give the ring back. It was a gift, it's yours.
**************
* Hard Times *
**************
<Jennifer, the model, meets Herman at the office.>
H: Jennifer!? What brings you up here?
Jennifer: Well, we were talking then I turned around and you were gone. I
thought for sure you were going to make a pass at me.
H: Yeah - I was just about to but, erm.. I stopped breathing.
**************
* Hard Times *
**************
<Jennifer and Herman enter Herman's apartment.>
H: This really is only a temporary apartment. I should only be here another
five or ten years.
**************
* Hard Times *
**************
<Herman has difficulty 'getting it up' ;>, and has managed to get his new
girlfriend out of his apartment>
<cut to brain..>
AN: I want some answers and I want 'em now. What the hell is wrong with us?
G: Well, not to point any fingers at anyone, but the answer's very simple.
We have just become <turns to Wimp and shouts> IMPOTENT!!!
**************
* Hard Times *
**************
H: Jay, Jay. I gotta talk to you. I have a problem.
J: Really, what's up?
H: Nothing, that's the problem.
J: Okay. I'm lost.
H: Jay, I'm having trouble...'hoisting my mainsail'.
J: You have a boat?
H: No Jay - <very quietly> I think I'm impotent.
J: Oh? Oooo. Jeez. Wha..what can I say? - I'm really sorry Herm.
H: Has this ever happened to you?
J: You mean, when you're with a woman and you're going through hell 'cos your
mind is willing and _nothing_ else is and you panic and you turn to her
and say "Helen, I have to leave your apartment now, I'm having a brain
hemmorage".?
H: Yeah?
J: No. No, that's never happened to me.
**************
* Hard Times *
**************
J: When you're ninety, the only way you're going to get get hot with a woman
is if you get cremated together.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
***************************************************
* How To Succeed In Business Without Really Dying *
***************************************************
<Louise takes her pet iguana out of it's cardboard box>
B : <gasps> My god! That's a friggin' dinosaur!
***************************************************
* How To Succeed In Business Without Really Dying *
***************************************************
HD : <to Herman> You know, I would do a lot of things to get out of work, but
risking my life isn't one of them.
H : C'mon Heddy, it isn't that dangerous. I mean, how many people do you think
actually _die_ from skydiving?
B : Last year - 22.
***************************************************
* How To Succeed In Business Without Really Dying *
***************************************************
L : Oh my God!
B : <walking out of his office> What's the matter Louise?
L : Kitty's escaped! <Kitty is her pet iguana>
B : <walking back into his office quickly> I'll be in my office.
***************************************************
* How To Succeed In Business Without Really Dying *
***************************************************
<It is the eve of a skydiving trip>
C : You get a good night's sleep Herman.
H : Right.
C : Tomorrow we'll see what you are made of.
H : <walking away> Let's hope not.
***************************************************
* How To Succeed In Business Without Really Dying *
***************************************************
C : <looking out of the plane that Crawford, Herman and Jay are about to jump
out of.> Look at that beautiful cloud formation. I see a...I see a great
mountain waiting to be climbed.
H : I see a body twisted and mangled on the sidewalk.
***************************************************
* How To Succeed In Business Without Really Dying *
***************************************************
<Louise answers the phone>
L : Research... The ball on the end of a poodle's tail... What's it _CALLED_?
The word 'Stupid' comes to mind.
***************************************************
* How To Succeed In Business Without Really Dying *
***************************************************
<The research dept have been working non-stop for three days...>
HD : Louise, I can't stand it any more - I'm falling apart. Look at me, look
at my clothes, look at my hair. You know what I look like? I look...
<picking up a mirror> I look...Damn! I still look pretty good don't I?
***************************************************
* How To Succeed In Business Without Really Dying *
***************************************************
J : Crawford pulled me off the article. He said I wasn't man enough to write
for 'Thrillseeker'.
H : He said that?
J : No. Actually he said I was a 'Candy-ass sissy boy', but....why split hairs?
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
*********************
* Herman Au Natural *
*********************
C: People, I want you all to attend Dr.Holland's seminar this weekend.
HD: With all due respect Mr.Crawford, I'd love to go. However, my arithritic
aunt needs a ride to the hospital and I...
C: It's in the Bahamas.
HD: Who's paying?
C: I am.
HD: Do I have to sleep with you?
C: No
HD: I'm in!
*********************
* Herman Au Natural *
*********************
Dr P.Holland: Well Sherman, do you want to come to my seminar?
<cut to brain..>
AN: All I wanna do is put my head between your breasts and say
"Brrrriitttskiiiii!"
*********************
* Herman Au Natural *
*********************
J: Well turn my head and cough!
*********************
* Herman Au Natural *
*********************
<After the 'gang' arrive at the Bahamas..>
H: What's in the bags Jay?
J: Stuff I just bought at the airport. It's all duty free.
H: You know the whole point of duty free is to avoid taxes when you _leave_
a country.
J: No!?
H: Yes.
J: Great. What am I supposed to do with two cases of Rum and 30 cartons of
cigarettes? I don't even smoke.
*********************
* Herman Au Natural *
*********************
Dr P.Holland: ...The first seminar is on the beach. The topic is "Shedding
your inhibitions and getting in touch with the real you."
<cut to brain..>
AN: Here's the real me! Touch away sweetheart!
A: We are not here to have sex, we are here to be honest.
G: Alright, let's be honest. We're here to have sex.
*********************
* Herman Au Natural *
*********************
H: <to Jay> Do you sometimes pretend to be interested in something just
because a woman is, right?
J: Hey, I don't waste that two minutes on foreplay 'cos I like it.
*********************
* Herman Au Natural *
*********************
AN: <to Angel> Very sensitive people take their clothes off.
A: Sensitive people and perverts.
AN: Yeah right. So it's you and me kid!
*********************
* Herman Au Natural *
*********************
<The gang have decided not to take their clothes off for a nude seminar on a
beach..>
L: N..No wait a minute, wait a minute, I'm not going to my room. This is a
renouned physciatrist. She must know what she's talking about. C'mon, it's
all in the name of science.. S..so stand back, I'm letting the big guys
loose!
*********************
* Herman Au Natural *
*********************
<The gang are introducing themselves to the group of people at the seminar,
it's now Herman's turn...>
Dr P.Holland: Next.
H: Yeah, Hi. I'm Herman Brooks, and I'm here because I think it's time I get
in touch with my inner feelings, and emotions...
<Jay is looking at Herman with disbelief>
Dr P.Holland: Very good Herman. <smiles>
<Cut to brain..>
A: <to Animal> You don't mean that!
AN: Hey, a man's gotta do what a man's gotta do.
A: But you're lying just to have sex?!
AN: Hey, a man's gotta do what a man's gotta do.
*********************
* Herman Au Natural *
*********************
<Jay/Louise and Herman/Heddy have been brought out and have exposed themselves
to each other as part of the nude seminar. They have been made to look at each
other, and now have to comment>
Dr P.Holland: Jay, do you have anything to say to Louise?
L: <running to the doctor> Oh no! Please don't let him say anything to me!
It's difficult enough as it is.
Dr P.Holland: No, no no. This is not about sex. It's about feelings and
emotions. Go ahead Jay. Tell Louise what you are thinking.
J: Gotta nice little body on ya, you know that Louise?
L: Really? <nervous laugh> Thanks Jay. And I'd like to say something to say
to you - I knew you had one but I didn't realise it was _that_ small....
J: Hold it! Hold it! I have a chill, okay?
L: No - I was talking about your appendix scar!
J: I thought you meant my....
L: Oh! That! Its _very_ nice!
<Jay turns and salutes to the audience>
*********************
* Herman Au Natural *
*********************
H: <to Jay> Where you going?
J: Nude fashion show. I don't know what the hell it is but, how bad can it be?
*********************
* Herman Au Natural *
*********************
<Gang members dressed. Herman meets Louise in reception>
L: Hi.
H: Hi. When did you decide to get dressed?
L: Right after someone suggested nude Limbo.
H: It feels pretty strange, doesn't it? Being dressed makes me realise how
naked we really were.
L: Really? Being naked did that for me.
*********************
* Herman Au Natural *
*********************
<All of the gang are dressed and in reception. Herman notices Jay in the
corner looking like he's in pain>
H: Jay - You're dressed!?
J: Yeah. I learned something pretty important this weekend.
H: You too?
J: You bet - When you're naked, sunblock 1000.... _everywhere_!
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
*****************************
* First Time For Everything *
*****************************
H: <To 'Carl' on telephone>
There's one thing you can send that will really win her <Heddy> over -
it's cheese. Yeaah, lots and lots of cheese. Hey, and just when you
think you've sent her too much - send her some more!
*****************************
* First Time For Everything *
*****************************
H: Louise, Louise, are you alright?
L: Alright!? I'm 25 Herman, 25!
H: It's not that bad Louise - I'm 25.
L: But you're not a...You know....
H: A woman?
L: No, no, I mean..You've already lost your.....
H: Luggage?
L: Herman, what I'm trying to say is you've already had....<sobs>
H: S.S..Sandwiches?
L: Yes Herman, that's it. I'm upset because you've had sandwiches and I
haven't...
*****************************
* First Time For Everything *
*****************************
H: <to Jay> Louise is just having a little personal problem.
J: Oh. Whenever I'm having a personal problem, I find it's always helpful to
bring that problem to a beautiful woman and try and parlez-it into a
simpathy boink. <'bonk' to us English! ;) >
*****************************
* First Time For Everything *
*****************************
B: So, what seems to be the problem?
L: Well, I'm 25 years old and I have decided that it is time to lose my
virginity.
B: <long-ish pause...> Louise, you have any other problems?
L: No, just this sex thing.
B: Well, with the economy the way it is, aren't you having financial problems?
L: No, I just need to know - should I do it Mr.Bracken? Should I let some man
ravage my body?
B: That settles it - I'm giving you a raise.
L: Thank you Sir!
B: Glad I could be of help.
*****************************
* First Time For Everything *
*****************************
H: You mean your going to do it?
L: That's right Herman. No more waiting for Mr.Right. Time to settle for
Mr.Not-So-Bad.
*****************************
* First Time For Everything *
*****************************
L: <To complete stranger> Excuse me, would you like to buy me a drink, take a
blood test and deflower me?
Stranger: <pause> No, no, and yes.
L: Great, I'll get back to you.
*****************************
* First Time For Everything *
*****************************
H: I think if we have sex it'll ruin our friendship.
L: Why - Are you that bad?
*****************************
* First Time For Everything *
*****************************
L: <To Herman and Jay> Herman, you wouldn't believe how difficult it is to
find a - Jay! Of course! Jay! Why didn't I think of it? - Can I ask you a
question Jay?
J: Sure, what's up?
L: <pause> Never mind - I'm not that desperate yet.
J: <walking away> If I had a nickel every time I heard that.
*****************************
* First Time For Everything *
*****************************
<Jay walks into the office, Louise and Herman are hugging each other.....>
J: Boy,what you gonna do Herman, sleep with her? <laughs>
<Louise and Herman turn around and look seriously at Jay....>
J: Oh my God.
*****************************
* First Time For Everything *
*****************************
L: What was your first time Herman?
H: Er.. Alright, I'll tell you. I was drunk at a frat party....
L: It's not a very long story..
H: No, no it wasn't.
*****************************
* First Time For Everything *
*****************************
J: <To Louise> When it's all over, men like to cuddle - you know? But you be
strong - you get right up and leave!
J: <To Herman> You're all set buddy.
*****************************
* First Time For Everything *
*****************************
A: <To Animal> You see, we can get excited about someone whose nice, someone
we care for.
AN: Sex with someone you care about? It's a little radical, it might not work,
but I'm behind it 100 percent!
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
********************
* Sweet Obsessions *
********************
H : Jay, have you ever acted before?
J : Are you kidding? - Listen to this...<looks serious> "I love you. I have
always loved you - I wouldn't ask you to do this with me if I didn't love
you." <slaps Herman> That's acting.
********************
* Sweet Obsessions *
********************
H : Good morning Louise. <pause> What is that smell?
L : This is New York City Herman, which smell do you mean?
********************
* Sweet Obsessions *
********************
H : Mr.Bracken, are you smoking?
B : No Herman, I'm on fire.
********************
* Sweet Obsessions *
********************
B : <To Mr.Waterton> I heard we lost a little money.
Mr.Waterton : A little money is when you lose twenty dollars at the dry
cleaners. I lost 50 million dollars.
H : Have you checked your other pants? <Herman and Louise laugh quietly>
Mr.Waterton : Twice. <Herman and Louise stop laughing.>
********************
* Sweet Obsessions *
********************
Mr.Kelly : Hi. Is Paul Bracken in?
HD : Why, yes he is. Who may I say is here?
Mr.Kelly : Bob Kelly, vice president with the company.
HD : Senior V.P or junior V.P?
Mr.Kelly : <authoritatively> Senior.
HD : Married?
Mr.Kelly : No.
HD : Engaged?
Mr.Kelly : No.
HD : Are you gay?
Mr.Kelly : No.
HD : <smiling> Hi, I'm Heddy Newman. <offers handshake.>
********************
* Sweet Obsessions *
********************
L : Looks like I picked a bad day to give up horseradish.
********************
* Sweet Obsessions *
********************
HD : I have a question.
Mr.Kelly : I'm sure that you do.
HD : Why d'you keep staring at me like that?
Mr.Kelly : Could you please sit down.
HD : You want me and you know it!
********************
* Sweet Obsessions *
********************
H : Well, you're probably wondering why we're here. First, Mr.Bracken said
that there was nothing to worry about - _then_ he started smoking, so, I
gave up cookies. Then the woman came so we had a meeting, and Lou..Heddy
hasn't been on a date, because, Louise is chewing tobacco. That's why Bob
Kelly gave me cookies. So, we ate. And then we came up here to talk to
you.....<his mouth ceases to work...After a couple of seconds, he says...>
Is it hot in here?
<Cut to brain. All four brain characters are in a line facing the screen. They
all faint backwards at the same time.>
<Cut back to Waterton's office. Herman faints into a nearby chair. Now it is
Louise's turn. She grabs a metal container from the front of Waterton's desk.>
L : Crash and Burn. <she spits into the container>
Mr.Waterton : That was a fine story. Now what the hell was he talking about!?
HD : Mr.Waterton, the reason we're here is that we..we.we <her portable
telephone rings, and she answers it.> Hello? Oh, Adam, I'm sorry - I
can't talk right now, I'm with the president of the company...Oh - the
Bahamas? <to Mr.Waterton> Would you excuse me, my aunt is _very_ ill. I'll
be just a second.
L : Mr.Waterton <spit> we're here because you've dismantled our department
<spit> and we've come to get our jobs back. <spit> By the way, this is a
really nifty spitoon..
Mr.Waterton : That's not a spitoon - it's my mother's ashes.
<Louise puts the container down and walks backwards with a horrified look on
her face.>
L : <Whining voice> Mr.Waterton, I am so sorry.
Mr.Waterton : It's OK, she was one big royal pain in the ass anyway.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
*****************
* A Kept Herman *
*****************
HD : What do you think Louise - do you like my new nails? I just got them
yesterda.... Oh my God! One of them is missing!
<Heddy punches some numbers into the telephone..>
HD : Hello Harry, I'm missing a nail - did I leave one in your back last night?
*****************
* A Kept Herman *
*****************
<Inside brain>
G : <To Animal> Didn't I tell you _not_ to look at her breasts?
AN : Hey, they're looking at me.
*****************
* A Kept Herman *
*****************
<Ms.Stark has just chosen Herman to help her for a day>
HD : That was blatent sexual discrimination - she just walked right in here
and picked Herman, and do you know why Louise?
L : Yes. Because you confessed your sordid past and I sounded like I was on
"Wild Kingdom."
*****************
* A Kept Herman *
*****************
<Ms.Stark is on the phone to one of her writers..>
M.Stark : Look, I'm on a deadline, I need that story. <pause> Don't give me
allibies Richard. So you had a stroke. Write with your left hand.
*****************
* A Kept Herman *
*****************
J : <To Herman> Tell me about Victoria Stark, man. Did you sleep with her?
H : Jay, wer're talking about a very intelligent, powerful, executive.
J : <Nods> D'ya sleep with her?
H : I got a chance to watch a dynamic, facinating woman at work.
J : Ah, okay. <pause> D'ya sleep with her?
*****************
* A Kept Herman *
*****************
J : I'm sorry, I'm sorry. Got a one track mind. So..... Those her breasts?
H : I wouldn't know.
J : Oh come on, you must have least done one of those 'sweeping glances.'
H : I'm only going to say this once. This woman is 15 years older than me,
and I was just working for her. Why..Why would I look at her that way?
<Cuts to brain..>
A : Maybe its because we were experiencing the thrill of Victoria on the wide
world of cleavage.
G : Maybe it's because you are a ignorant, vile, horny swine!
A : I certainly wouldn't rule that out.
*****************
* A Kept Herman *
*****************
H : Jay, there are certain occasions when its better not to think about having
sex with someone.
J : Sure there are - family reunions.
*****************
* A Kept Herman *
*****************
HD : <Coming into the office, but talking to a person outside> That was
a sexist joke fella, and as a feminist don't find funny. In fact, as a
feminist, I don't find _anything_ funny.
*****************
* A Kept Herman *
*****************
L : Well Herman, you've got to spend 2 whole days with Victoria Stark, she
must really like you.
HD : Yeah - I think it's pretty suspicious.
H : What is?
L : Oh, don't listen to her. She's got in in her head that there's something
going on between you and Victoria - it's a clear case of "Penis Envy."
HD : What are you talking about?
L : I don't know, I read it in a book in high school once - been trying to
work it into conversation ever since.
*****************
* A Kept Herman *
*****************
H : Heddy, what are you getting at?
HD : Well I'm saying it looks an awful lot like someone in this office is
sleeping his way to the top.
L : Not Herman. He is the most decent man I know, and he would no more sleep
his way to the top than Earl here. <points to Earl, who is fast asleep..>
L : Well, OK - bad example. <Turns to Earl> WAKE UP EARL YOU LAZY BASTARD!
*****************
* A Kept Herman *
*****************
Feminist : <To Jay> Aren't you Jay Nichols?
J : Yeah, that's right.
<Feminist punches Jay in the stomach and leaves.>
J : Wow - I must have been _really_ drunk!
*****************
* A Kept Herman *
*****************
H : Jay, can you keep a secret?
J : No.
*****************
* A Kept Herman *
*****************
H : Jay - I need your advice.
J : Okay, so you're making career moves, and you're getting to sleep with a
beautiful woman.....And this bothers you...
H : Yes.
J : <pauses and then slaps Herman in the face> Snap out of it man!
*****************
* A Kept Herman *
*****************
<Louise has burst into Miss.Stark's office. Miss.Stark is in a robe while
Herman is only dressed in a pair of boxer shorts, socks and a (undone) shirt.>
H : Look Louise, I know this is hard to believe, but I'm here on my merits.
L : Aren't your merits getting a little cold right now?
*****************
* A Kept Herman *
*****************
L : <To Herman> Herman! Congratulations. My respect for you is restored. At
least, it will be as soon I can wipe from my memory the hideous image of
you in black socks and boxers.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
********************
* Guns 'N Neurosis *
********************
<Herman and Jay return to Herman's apartment to find that he has been robbed>
H : They took my potatoes Jay! I had three potatoes right there - I was saving
those potatoes, I just bought a tub of sour cream and chives...
<Jay is looking in the fridge..>
J : Bad news Hermo.
H : Oh, not the sour cream Jay?
J : <'whispering' voice> Yeah.
********************
* Guns 'N Neurosis *
********************
H : Look at what they did to my apartment. Someone is going to pay for this.
J : I think it's going to be you, Herm.
********************
* Guns 'N Neurosis *
********************
<Herman is in a gun shop and Mr.Crawford is trying to get Herman to buy a gun>
Shopkeeper: Let's start off with something small. <Hands Herman a small
pistol> How d'ya like the feel of that baby?
<cut to brain>
AN : I like it - I like it a lot!
A : Put that down, don't you realise guns are just phallic symbols?
<cut back to shop>
H : Got anything bigger?
********************
* Guns 'N Neurosis *
********************
G : I think it's "Testosterone Time!"
********************
* Guns 'N Neurosis *
********************
<Heddy, Herman and Louise are back at Herman's apartment after going shopping
for him>
HD : Herman, Aren't you afraid to be here alone?
H : No - not any more. Now that I have "Little Herman" here <pulls out his
pistol>
L : Is that a real gun?
H : Yeah!
L : I can't believe you own a gun!
HD : I can't believe you call it "Little Herman."
********************
* Guns 'N Neurosis *
********************
<A man is breaking into Herman's apartment. The brain characters are panicking.
Animal has just got the gun out>
A : You're not planning to shoot the burglar?
G : No - first we'll exchange pleasantries, have a little sponge cake
together, form a lifelong friendship - then we'll shoot the son-of-a-bitch!
********************
* Guns 'N Neurosis *
********************
<Herman has just shot Mr.Crawford, who was breaking into Herman's apartment>
H : Mr.Crawford, what were you doing?
C : I was testing you, son.
H : Testing me?
C : I didn't think you'd shoot..<laughs> Guess I was wrong.. Nice grouping.
********************
* Guns 'N Neurosis *
********************
HD : Have you heard, Herman shot Mr.Crawford!
L : I heard they had a duel over a woman.
HD : I heard Crawford caught Herman embezzling money.
B : I am sick of these rumours that I have been hearing, and I want it to
stop right now! Besides - I heard they bought a house together on Fire
Island<?> and couldn't agree on the colour scheme.
********************
* Guns 'N Neurosis *
********************
<Herman returns to the gun shop with the gun that Mr.Crawford bought for him>
Shopkeeper : Ah, Herman. Oh - I see you got the gun we sent over.
<Herman puts the gun on the checkout desk>
Shopkeeper : Is there a problem?
H : Yes there is. I came _this_ close to killing a man.
Shopkeeper : Oh no - I am so sorry. Let me adjust those sights for you.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
****************************
* Dirty, Rotten Scoundrels *
****************************
B : Heddy, Louise. Like to see you in my office.
<They all enter his office>
B : Heddy. Louise - you're both women.
L : <to Heddy> I _knew_ he'd find out!
****************************
* Dirty, Rotten Scoundrels *
****************************
HD : <To Mr.Bracken> Okay. How many times a week do you have sex?
B : A week?
HD : That answers my question. You're witness. <to Louise>
L : Okay - how many times a week do you tell her you love her?
B : A week?
****************************
* Dirty, Rotten Scoundrels *
****************************
Carlos : I once crushed a man's heart with my bare hands and fed it to a
stray dog.
J : Your parents must be very proud.
****************************
* Dirty, Rotten Scoundrels *
****************************
Princess : Let them go Carlos.
Carlos : Damn! I never get to kill anybody.
****************************
* Dirty, Rotten Scoundrels *
****************************
J : Herman, a story like this comes along once in a lifetime. This is
Cinderella we're talking about here. She's a real life princess. And you
know something about her, that nobody else knows.
H : Alright Jay, since you feel that strongly about it, I'll write down what
she told me on a piece of paper.<starts to scribble on a piece of paper>
J : Oh Herm, Herm, this is good. This is good. I just want you to know, that
you're doing the right thing.
H : <Tearing the paper off the pad> There. Now here's the deal. If you take
this piece of paper, and ruin that woman's life, I don't wanna ever talk
to you again - I don't even wanna _see_ you again.
J : <pause> You mean, like in _never_?
H : I mean like in never.
J : <pause - then swipes the paper from the desk and leaves> You're right.
H : Nice knowing ya pal.
<Jay comes back into the office about 5 seconds later>
J : That's low. That's a...damn low thing to do to somebody. <he puts the
paper back on Herman's desk> You're my best friend Herm.....And I
_really_ hate you. <he exits the office>
<Louise walks up to Herman's desk>
L : Boy, Herman. You really took a chance. I mean that's _Jay_ we're talking
about. How d'ya know he wouldn't take that paper and print the story?
H : Because Louise, I know another Jay. A Jay who can be trusted and a Jay I
have _total_ confidence in.
<Louise unfolds the paper and reads it.>
L : "I can't believe you took this paper you bastard."
H : Then again, it is _Jay_ we're talking about..
<Sorry for this quote being *so* long... ;) >
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
****************************
* Bracken Up Is Hard To Do *
****************************
L : You know, they say the way to a man's heart is through his stomach - and
I might as well give that a shot 'cause everytime I try to get to a man's
heart through his head he gives me directions to his pants.
****************************
* Bracken Up Is Hard To Do *
****************************
<Herman has just got shouted at by Mr.Bracken>
L : <To Herman> Is he okay?
H : Yeah..Mr.Bracken just explained he's been staying here because his wife
is out of town.
HD & L : <together> She dumped him!
****************************
* Bracken Up Is Hard To Do *
****************************
<Mr.Bracken is at Herman's apartment after being thrown out by his wife.>
B : You know - I gave that woman everything that she could possibly want, I
don't know why she complains... 1.5 sexual encounters per month is
perfectly average..... Granted, that .5 encounter left her little less
than satisfied...
****************************
* Bracken Up Is Hard To Do *
****************************
<Mr.Bracken is outstaying his welcome at Herman's apartment. Jay has turned up
with a couple of actresses and Jay has taken Herman to one side after
Mr.Bracken tells the women that 'Bracko' is his handle>
J : Herman, Bracko the magnificent is about to make a couple of chicks
disappear.
****************************
* Bracken Up Is Hard To Do *
****************************
J : What am I supposed to do with two women? Alright - stupid question.
****************************
* Bracken Up Is Hard To Do *
****************************
H : Louise, technically mixing drinks is not cooking.
L : I know but my teacher won't taste my food 'till he's had a couple of stiff
ones.
****************************
* Bracken Up Is Hard To Do *
****************************
<Herman is explaining to Jay about how Mr.Bracken interrupted him the previous
night.>
H : ...And on top of everything else he broke my toilet - I've been peeing in
my shower.
J : <pause> Well, that's okay Herm. Everyone does it, they just don't talk
about it.
****************************
* Bracken Up Is Hard To Do *
****************************
<Louise is trying to pull the ladle out of her Goulash that she has made>
L : .....Here, you try...
<Herman tries......>
H : If I pull this out, will I be king?
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
******************
* Twisted Sister *
******************
<Herman enters the office>
L : So, did you get 'em, did you get 'em?
H : Right here. Two tickets to "The Most Happy Fella", third row, centre.
L : Oh Herman, your sister's going to love that. What else are you gonna do?
H : Well, I'm going to take her to the Statue of Liberty. Then we're going to
the Central Park Zoo - I really wanna give her a taste of New York.
L : In that case, why don't you just knock her down, steal her purse and give
her the finger?
******************
* Twisted Sister *
******************
HD : See, that's your first lesson. If you have something someone else wants -
ream 'em.
******************
* Twisted Sister *
******************
Astrid : So. This is where you work? What a suffocating, depressing
Orwellian(?) nightmare.
L : And all this time I thought it was just my imagination.
******************
* Twisted Sister *
******************
J : So Herm, err.what happened to your sister Suzie?
Astrid : Suzie is a nieve little girl who gets taken advantage of by men.
J : Great. When can I meet her?
******************
* Twisted Sister *
******************
Astrid : Who do you have to sleep with around here to get some service?
J : Allow me.
******************
* Twisted Sister *
******************
<The gang are ordering drinks>
L : And I'll have a tropical drink with a little umbrella in it. <to all>
Don't you just love when you take the little umbrella home, you put on a
little doll's hat and pretend you're the largest song and dance man?
<Everyone looks at Louise, stunned>
L : Oh my God, I'm the only one.
******************
* Twisted Sister *
******************
H : <To Astrid> I have been up all night worrying about you - where have you
been?
Astrid : With Jay.
H : Oh with J..Jay. With Jay, five nights in a row. Well, you've seen way too
much of Jay
Astrid : I like him.
H : He is a filthy disgusting sleaze who uses women. I know - he is my best
friend.
******************
* Twisted Sister *
******************
Astrid : <To Herman, her older brother> Who are you - Dad?
H : No, I am not dad. Now go to your room!
Astrid : Herman, this is a studio apartment.
H : Fine - go to your couch!
******************
* Twisted Sister *
******************
H : <About Jay - to Astrid> Of course he knows what you are going through -
when it comes to dumping women Jay wrote the book! Actually, he's been
meaning to write the book but he's been too busy dumping women!
******************
* Twisted Sister *
******************
<Herman is arguing with his sister and Jay>
H : So now you're going to spend the rest of the night in his bed?
J : I don't get it either Herm - but women seem to like it.
******************
* Twisted Sister *
******************
<Jay is talking to Herman about marrying his sister>
J : Herman, wouldn't it be funny if we ended up brothers in law? Come over to
the house on weekends. Fire up the old barbeque. Kids'll call you "Uncle
Hermy". Then when everyone goes to sleep we could sneak out and cruse
chicks.
<Herman looks at Jay menacingly>
J : Yeah - I guess we couldn't do that, could we...
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
*****************
* BrackenHooker *
*****************
<Mr.Bracken is making everone stay late in the office>
H : Mr.Bracken. We're two weeks ahead on our work.
L : Yeah, and I don't know about you Mr.Bracken, but I have a life!
<Mr.Bracken looks at Louise seriously>
L : Okay - I was bluffing.
*****************
* BrackenHooker *
*****************
<Herman is suggesting to Jay that they invite Mr.Bracken to go out with them in
order to get him out of the office>
H : What do you say we invite him down to MacAnally's with us?
J :<Sarcastically> Yeah - Let's bring a dull, bitter, middle-aged man to pick
up chicks with us!
*****************
* BrackenHooker *
*****************
B : You think having your face slapped 8 times is so bad? My wife is out dating
other men. Try having your heart ripped out and torn to shreds by an
ungrateful shrew.
J : Try being tied to a 4-poster bed by a dominatrix and tickled with feathers.
B : What?
J : Just try it - that's all!
*****************
* BrackenHooker *
*****************
H : Look, Louise, there's something I have to ask you.
L : Forget it Herman! I won't go out with him. He'd fall for me, and he'd fall
hard. But it'd be no use. The difference in our ages, the fact that we work
together. It'd all be too much to overcome, so I'd dump him. Leaving a
broken, shattered shell of a man, so don't ask Herman. It's better for all
of us that I don't go out with him
H : Actually I was going to ask if you have Susan Sclar's<?> number.
L : Oh.....I thought it was that....That or the me dating him thing....Either
one...one or the other.....555-4926.
*****************
* BrackenHooker *
*****************
B : D'You find me a woman?
H : Not yet sir.
B : You have my list of specifications?
H : Oh yes sir!
B : Good - I don't want to compromise.
<Cut to brain>
G : He'll be lucky if she has legs!
*****************
* BrackenHooker *
*****************
J : D'you find me a woman?
H : Jay, I'm not trying to find you a woman, I'm trying to find Bracken a
woman!
J : But...I'm your friend. If you wanna find someone a woman, why not me?
H : Because you can find your own women.
J : Oh yeah. And I can send myself a birthday card too, but it wouldn't be the
same now, would it?
*****************
* BrackenHooker *
*****************
J : "I don't trust you but I'm desperate".....How many times have I heard that?
*****************
* BrackenHooker *
*****************
<Herman is talking to Louise about his decision to ask Jay to find Mr.Bracken a
woman>
H : What, d'you think it's crazy for me to rely on Jay for this?
L : "Is it crazy? Sure it's crazy! Maybe just crazy enough to work!"
<Herman looks puzzled>
L : Sorry Herman. It's just there are two lines I always been dying to try and
that's one of them.
H : What's the other?
L : "Captain - it is I, Enson Pover, and I just threw your stinkin' palm tree
overboard!"..That one's gonna be a little harder to work into conversation.
*****************
* BrackenHooker *
*****************
<The brain characters are discussing what may happen if Mr.Bracken slept with
the escort that he paid for>
G : If Bracken slept with her it'll break us.
W : Oh my God - what if he did more than sleep with her?
A : What if he's into kinky sex? What if he likes to be tied up, shaved,
spanked, rolled in flour...and made to wear diapers?
AN : <Overcome with emotion> That was beautiful.
*****************
* BrackenHooker *
*****************
<The brain characters are discussing what would happen if they told Mr.Bracken
that he has been dating a hooker>
A : I can't tell him - look what'll happen.
<Angel clicks her fingers and Mr.Bracken appears in the brain with them>
A : Melodie's a hooker.
<Mr.Bracken starts to cry>
AN : Well maybe it would be okay. <To Mr.Bracken> Melodie's a hooker!
B : All right! <Gives Animal a "High ten">
W : That's nothing - how about this. <To Mr.Bracken> Melodie's a hooker
<Mr.Bracken grabs Wimp in a headlock, twists his head off his shoulders (with a
pop) and drop-kicks it out of shot>
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
*******************************
* Stop Me Before I Help Again *
*******************************
W : Did it ever occur to anyone that Jay has a problem?
A : Yes, I think he's obsessed with sex.
AN : Thank God he's obsessed with sex. It'll keep his mind off his problem.
*******************************
* Stop Me Before I Help Again *
*******************************
L : <Walking over to Herman's desk> Oh, c'mon Jay. Problems are my specialty.
You name it, I've had it. <Louise sits on the end of Herman's desk>
What's ailing ya?
J : Herman thinks I'm a sex addict.
L : <Shrugs her shoulders> Can't help ya. <She walks back to her desk>
*******************************
* Stop Me Before I Help Again *
*******************************
HD : <Walking to Herman and Jay> Wait a minute, so you have sex with lots of
women. What do you get out of it?
J : Sex with lots of women.
HD : What do they get out of it?
J : Sex with me.
HD : Oh you don't have a problem at all, _they_ have the problem.
*******************************
* Stop Me Before I Help Again *
*******************************
AN : <Walking up to the other three> Hey, what are we talking about?
G : We're talking about making Jay join a group that's going to stop him from
having lots of sex.
<Pause... Animal laughs>
AN: Hahahahaha.....No really, what are we talking about?
*******************************
* Stop Me Before I Help Again *
*******************************
H : Jay. All I'm saying is going the sex addicts group couldn't hurt.
<Louise walks appears by Herman and Jay>
L : Oh Herman. Don't bother Jay. Can't you see he's perfectly happy?
J : Thank you Louise.
L : And he'll lead a perfectly happy life. He will continue to use one woman
after another and throw them out, like so much old fruit. And in the end
he'll be another lonely, saggy, single guy with nothing to show for his
life except some memories - and even those will fade.
J : That's where you're wrong Louise - I got pictures!
L : You're pathetic! <She walks back to her desk>
*******************************
* Stop Me Before I Help Again *
*******************************
HD : Anyone could sue anyone for anything Louise. If you wanted you could sue
me for...for having blond hair.
L : On what grounds?
H : Fraud.
*******************************
* Stop Me Before I Help Again *
*******************************
L : Jay! I can't believe it! You slept with a woman from your sex addicts
group?
J : No - I slept with a woman from your "Virgin Support" group. I think her
name was..Denise?
L : Not Denise! <turning to Herman> She was my lab partner.
J : It's no big deal Louise. It was over like that <clicks his fingers.
Louise puts her hand to her chest and gasps in shock>
HD : Well, at least her first time was special.
*******************************
* Stop Me Before I Help Again *
*******************************
L : Herman.....
H : Later Louise.
L : I think you're taking Heddy's advice too literally.
H : Buzz off will ya!?
L : Hey! I'm cute as a button - don't talk to me like that!
*******************************
* Stop Me Before I Help Again *
*******************************
H : I'm sorry Louise. I'm a little tense okay? I've never been sued before.
L : Don't worry Herman. Mrs.Peebles isn't going to get anything from you.
You aren't worth diddly!
*******************************
* Stop Me Before I Help Again *
*******************************
H : Wait a minute. Mr.Bracken, you know some law don't you?
B : Well, I don't mean to brag, but.....I know everything.
<Louise laughs loudly>
L : Ha ha! Okay, what number am I thinking? <smiling>
B : <to Louise> Seven.
<Louise's smile is wiped from her face instantly>
L : Damn - He _does_ know everything.
*******************************
* Stop Me Before I Help Again *
*******************************
J : Here - suck on this.
*******************************
* Stop Me Before I Help Again *
*******************************
B : Herman, you're just gonna have to face it. You're a good guy!
H : Oh <gasping> - thank you Mr.Bracken - can I have the day off?
B : No.
H : I thought you said I was a good guy?
B : You are. I however..am a son of a bitch.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
************************
* All's Affair In Love *
************************
L : Herman, tell me something. Psychologically speaking, why would a guy
continue to go with Heddy knowing that she's going to dump him as soon as
she gets a better offer?
H : Psychologically speaking.........she puts out.
L : It's just not fair. Virgins are people too, we can do everthing non-virgins
can do.
HD : Not everything.
************************
* All's Affair In Love *
************************
J : Hey Herm! What's going on?
H : Hey - big party Saturday night.
J : Yeah - I heard about that. I'm gonna take Barbera Rozette<?>
H : The editor from the lingerie magazine?
J : She's the worlds' foremost authority on womens underwear Herm. And I
have....so much to learn.
************************
* All's Affair In Love *
************************
L : Don't you nothing me! I know what you're thinking. You're thinking
"Awww, who's going to go out with the virgin?" Well I'll have you know there
are plenty of adult virgins who have active social lives.
HD : Oh yeah - all those Star Trek conventions.
************************
* All's Affair In Love *
************************
John Mason : Herman Brooks?
H : Yeah that's me.
John Mason : John Mason from Waterton's office.
H : Hi.
John Mason : Mr.Bracken asked me to give you this guest list for the party
Saturday night.
H : <Looking at the list> Oooh.
HD : You're in over your head Herman.
H : 'Just jealous Heddy.
HD : I'm not jealous. I just don't understand why you were chosen to do this
over me when I'm so much prettier than you.
John Mason : Don't believe her Herman - you're every bit as pretty as she is.
H : <Laughing> Hey thanks - you're kinda cute yourself.
John Mason : Yeah - but not as cute as you are.
H : Can we stop this now?
John Mason : Yeah. It was amusing at first but now it's making me
uncomfortable.
************************
* All's Affair In Love *
************************
A : Can't you understand that I want do something for someone else?
AN : Well I want to do something *to* someone else. Or *on* somebody else, or
*under* somebody else. Or..or alone..but with a *picture* of somebody else.
************************
* All's Affair In Love *
************************
John Mason : How are you Louise?
L : Is that a polite "How are you", requiring a polite "I'm fine" answer, or is
that a real "How *are* you", which would mean you want me to spill my guts
about my empty and horrible life?
John Mason : Polite.
L : I'm fine - thank you.
************************
* All's Affair In Love *
************************
Jason Mason : <To Louise> You're very cute.
H : Oh no!
L : <Annoyed> Yes, I'm the godess of cute - the queen of cute. In fact I'm
thinking of changing my name from Louise to something more appropriate like
"Snuggles."
************************
* All's Affair In Love *
************************
L : Herman, it was just a kiss. We're just good friends.
H : Good friends do not exchange saliva in public elevators.
L : I don't know how that happened. We were all alone in the elevator. I looked
into his eyes, he looked into mine, and suddenly my mouth had two tongues
and his didn't have any.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
********************
* Sperm 'N' Herman *
********************
<Herman is talking about an old flame>
H : Rebecca Woods. She was the most beautiful freshman on campus.
J : D'ya bag her?
H : Jay, I don't 'bag' women.
J : I'm sorry - did ya nail her?
********************
* Sperm 'N' Herman *
********************
L : Herman, I don't care what Jay thinks. I think it's great that your first
love is coming back to you.
H : Well, maybe your first love will come back to you too Louise.
L : I don't think so. I haven't met him yet.
********************
* Sperm 'N' Herman *
********************
L : Okay Heddy, you win. Everybody's attracted to you and I'm nothing.
HD : I know - isn't it great?
********************
* Sperm 'N' Herman *
********************
<Herman has just learned that one of his old girlfriends is a lesbian>
H : You're a lesbian? I mean it's okay if you're a lesbian. I..i..is lesbian
the correct term? Or do you prefer to be called.."gay" or is it.err....
"African American..?"
********************
* Sperm 'N' Herman *
********************
J : <To the lesbian> Exactly! I think it's a shame that a woman as beautiful as
you is being wasted on other women. I mean, it'd be different if you were a
real bowzer!
********************
* Sperm 'N' Herman *
********************
B : Louise. I've decided I'm going to resign - I need you to take a letter.
L : Oh no Mr.Bracken, you can't be serious!
B : Of course I'm serious. I've lost my ability to remember, and without that I
have nothing left to give this organisation.
L : But resigning! I won't be a party to this.
B : Dammnit! I said take a letter!
L : Yes sir.
B : "I resign."......Now read that back to me.
L : Dear sirs. Regarding your shipment of socks sent on the 19th. All right
socks were sent. Please send corressponding left socks. Yours, Paul Bracken,
B : Fine - type that up!
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
*********************
* Intern'al Affairs *
*********************
<The research department is packed with people asking for work to be done>
HD : More work! I can't take it any more! There is so much work - if this keeps
up I'm going to have to do some of it!
*********************
* Intern'al Affairs *
*********************
<Herman is interviewing people for an office internship>
C : Sherman!
H : Mr Crawford.
C : Rumour tells me that there's a job opening in the research department.
H : Well, as a matter of fact I'm interviewing right now.
C : Oh good, good. 'Cos I have this...er..friend who needs a job.
H : Well does she type?
C : No.
H : Does she file?
C : No
H : She take dictation?
C : No.
H : Well what does she do?
C : This thing with her tounge.
*********************
* Intern'al Affairs *
*********************
<Herman has just interviewed one of Louise's friends for the internship>
L : So Herman, what do you think?
H : Well, there's a small problem.
L : What's that?
H : She's nuts Louise!
*********************
* Intern'al Affairs *
*********************
<The brain characters are trying to decide which of the candidates to hire for
the internship>
W : I like Louise's friend.
G : Why? She's a walking bundle of neurosis.
W : Yeeaaahh!
*********************
* Intern'al Affairs *
*********************
<Herman has just been informed that the intern he hired can only type 6 words a
minute. The brain characters are shown talking>
G : Six words a minute!? There are monks that can do calligraphy faster than
that!
*********************
* Intern'al Affairs *
*********************
<Herman is telling Jay in MacAnally's that he's about to fire his intern.
Herman has noticed that the intern is sitting alone at her table>
J : Oh, hey. Listen. I've never..fired anyone, but I have..dumped my fair share
of women. Don't let her order steak.
H : What difference does that make?
J : If she orders steak, she will be given a steak *knife*.
H : Don't be ridiculous!
J : I learned the hard way. I was hoping you wouldn't have to.
*********************
* Intern'al Affairs *
*********************
<Herman's intern has just accused him of sexual harrasment>
J : Herm - not too smart harrasing her right before you fire her!
*********************
* Intern'al Affairs *
*********************
<Crawford is talking to one of the panel at Herman's sexual harrasment hearing>
C : Well, nice to have a hot young babe like you on this sexual harrasment
panel.
Women : Mr.Crawford. I don't think you understand what sexual harrasment is.
C : Oh. Well, maybe after the hearing we could go to my place and you could
show me.
Women : Mr.Crawford! You are a married man!
C : Ah! You're right, what was I thinking? We'll have to go to your place.
*********************
* Intern'al Affairs *
*********************
Mr.Waterton : Sexual harrasment.......I like it!
*********************
* Intern'al Affairs *
*********************
<Mr.Waterton is talking to Mr.Crawford>
Mr.Waterton : A lot of times I'll just say "Hi baby - I'm the president of
a company." Is that coming on too strong?
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
*****************************
* The Watertongate Break-In *
*****************************
<The gang have just returned from Mr.Waterton's funeral>
HD : God, what a boring funeral.
H : Jeez Heddy, what were you expecting?
HD : The guy was loaded - you'd think he'd spring for a band, a magician or
something.
L: : Heddy - it's a funeral, not a party.
HD : When I die there is going to be dancing, there is going to be a
celebration.
L : You're telling me!
*****************************
* The Watertongate Break-In *
*****************************
C : Now that the old coot's dead I'm ready to take over.
H : "Old coot?" Sir, you were pall-bearer at his funeral. Y..you cried as you
placed the casket in the grave.
C : Sherman, how long must I grieve?
H : Well, the end of the day would be nice.
*****************************
* The Watertongate Break-In *
*****************************
<Harris has just told the research dept his plans to remove the department and
use an outside company for research>
L : <To Mr.Bracken> He's going to cut our whole department!
B : All right, all right, let's not panic. He's not president of the company
yet - there are other candidates.
L : Yeah, Crawford.
B : All right, All right - let's panic.
*****************************
* The Watertongate Break-In *
*****************************
<Herman and Mr.Crawford have met in his office at midnight>
C : We're here to plan a "Watergate" style break-in.
H : "Watergate" style. You mean we get caught, sent to prison and sign
lucrative book deals?
C : I like your optimism.
*****************************
* The Watertongate Break-In *
*****************************
<The brain characters are discussing Mr.Crawford's plan to get Harris thrown
out of the company>
W : This all sounds so immoral.
AN : I'm in!
W : Not that kind of immoral.
AN : I'm out!
*****************************
* The Watertongate Break-In *
*****************************
L : What are you doing Heddy?
HD : Just printed out a new resume. We're going to need it if we have to find
new jobs. Would you check it for typos?
L : I'd be glad to..<Starts to read> Heddy, you spent five years as a
fibre-optic neuro-surgeon?
HD : Come on Louise - Everyone pads their resume a little.
L : Yeah, you're right. I did the same thing. Look at this. <Hands her resume
to Heddy>
HD : <Reading aloud> "Work experience : Two years as assistant researcher at
Waterton Publishing." Louise, this isn't padded!
L : Like hell it isn't! I've only been here a year and nine months!
*****************************
* The Watertongate Break-In *
*****************************
<Herman is explaining to Mr.Crawford that security have captured the person who
planted the file in Harris' desk on tape>
H : Mr.Crawford, they're onto us. Security has a surveillance tape of me
standing lookout.
C : Not since Norman the night watchman became head of security they don't!
<Pulling out a mass of loose videotape from a drawer>
*****************************
* The Watertongate Break-In *
*****************************
<Louise answers the phone in Herman's new office>
L : <Looking at Herman's nameplate> Sherman's office.....Mr.Bracken? It's me.
it's me Louise!....You got a job? I'm so proud of you!.....Oh no thanks....
No, I really don't need to buy any vitamins.....Yes, I understand you work
on commision, but I can't afford it....<Annoyed> allright, allright, I'll
take some 'E', just get off my back! <Slams the phone down>
*****************************
* The Watertongate Break-In *
*****************************
H : What are you doing to Mr.Bracken's office?
HD : It's not Mr.Bracken's office anymore. It's now Mr.Crawford's toilet.
H : Mr.Bracken spent 25 years sitting in that room.
HD : So will Mr.Crawford.
*****************************
* The Watertongate Break-In *
*****************************
<Louise, Heddy and Mr.Bracken are sitting in Herman's new office, discussing
what they have been doing since Mr.Crawford became the new president>
L : What about you Mr.Bracken. Are you still hauking vitamins?
B : No - I gave it up. I don't need a job. I've discovered I've been putting
too much emphasis on work - a man is not defined by his career. I've cut
back - and I'm at peace with that.
<Herman enters his office>
H : Good News! <Closes the door> I got everyone's job back!
B : Thank God! I was bored out of my freaking mind!
*****************************
* The Watertongate Break-In *
*****************************
C : I'm going away for while.
H : Where are you going Mr.Crawford?
C : Oh..Can't tell ya, can't tell ya. Just there...there are no phones and
errrr...visiting day is Tuesday.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
*******************************
* Untitled Girlfriend Project *
*******************************
<Jay is describing to Herman the nightmare date he has just been on>
J : First, she drags me to a Russian documentry on wheat - No subtitles! Then
it's off to a feminist poetry reading where I got <pulling down the top of
his sweater> these scratches. She's nothing but a stuck up, screwed up,
rotten, miserable bad time!
H : Then why the hell did you bring her here?
J : I thought you might like her.
*******************************
* Untitled Girlfriend Project *
*******************************
<Herman is talking to Jay's bad date>
H : So, how was the poetry reading?
Elizabeth : Fine, until Jay tried to convince a militant lesbian that she
really didn't hate men - she was just having her period.
*******************************
* Untitled Girlfriend Project *
*******************************
AN : I can't believe Jay stole our sure thing and left us here with "Swamp
Thing."
*******************************
* Untitled Girlfriend Project *
*******************************
<The brain characters are discussing Elizabeth>
A : Oh stop it! So she's smart and interesting, so what? We need more than
that. We need sensitivity, vulnerability, sincerity.
G : Fine, when Snow White becomes available we'll date her.
*******************************
* Untitled Girlfriend Project *
*******************************
<Herman has just walked up to the table where Elizabeth and her friends are
sitting>
Elizabeth : Herman?
Shaun : Hey..Aren't you the fact checker?
H : Yeah. I am .
Shaun : Great! Could you check this bill, make sure it's right.
<Herman looks at the bill while Elizabeth's friends laugh at him>
H : No... They forgot to charge you for being an arrogant son-of-a-bitch.
*******************************
* Untitled Girlfriend Project *
*******************************
W : I say we muster up our dignity, and run like a girl.
*******************************
* Untitled Girlfriend Project *
*******************************
<Herman is just about to try and win Elizabeth back>
H : <To Elizabeth> Okay, you wanna do this here, we'll do it here.
Shaun : Oh this ought to be interesting.
H : <To Shaun> One more word out of you and I'll kill you.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
****************
* The 'C' Word *
****************
J : Ah! - Great sex. Why didn't you say so?
H : Actually, we haven't had sex yet. She doesn't want to make that leap until
we're sure where this is going.
J : Y'mean to tell me she's your girlfriend and you still haven't planted the
flag yet?
****************
* The 'C' Word *
****************
L : I can't believe all these cutbacks. Maybe I should just forget this whole
research thing and become something else...Like a military strongman.
H : Military strongman?
L : Yeah - sure. Wouldn't it be great to hear on the news one night: <Adopts
low voice> "The state department today issued a stern warning directed to
military strongman - Louise Fitzer." <cute smile>
H : Louise, you might want to bump up your therapy to twice a week.
****************
* The 'C' Word *
****************
J : Hermo!
H : Jay!
J : <To Elizabeth> Shrew!
E : <To Jay> Bore!
J : I hope I..am interrupting something?
E : Actually you are. Why don't you drag your knuckles back the way you came.
J : <To Herman> Enjoy <gesturing to Elizabeth>...being around this?
E : <To Herman> What kind of frat party male bonding nightmare do you share
with him?
J : Damaged goods Herm.
E : Major loser.
J : Obviously frigid.
E : No doubt impotent. <Jay laughs>
J : I haven't had any complaints.
E : Have you ever related to a woman with any organ other than your
penis?
J : You just wish you had one.
E : So do you!
****************
* The 'C' Word *
****************
J : Stay out of this Herm. I'm in a battle for your very soul.
****************
* The 'C' Word *
****************
G : Susan is the past. Elizabeth is the present.
AN : So let's go and finish unwrapping our present!
****************
* The 'C' Word *
****************
AN : I can't believe we let the half-naked chick get away!
****************
* The 'C' Word *
****************
H : Louise, what have you got there?
L : Office supplies! I am taking them Herman! Don't try to stop me! I never
took anything before while everyone else was taking things! I want this
Herman! I really really want this.
H : What is it?
L : _Sixty million staples!_ <Cute smile, looks pleased with herself>
H : Louise, that's crazy.
L : You're right - I should have swiped a stapler too.
****************
* The 'C' Word *
****************
H : Louise, have you ever been in love with two guys at once?
L : <Laughing> Of course! It was wonderful - I was in college.
H : Really? What happened?
L : Mel Gibson was married and Tom Selleck didn't return my calls.
****************
* The 'C' Word *
****************
L : So - you're saying you have _two_ fabulous women, both of whom are crazy
about you, and you have to choose which one you want?
H : Basically.
L : So basically, you have two women and I have two cartons of staples....
Imagine how depressed I'd be if I didn't have these staples.
****************
* The 'C' Word *
****************
J : Hermo!
H : Jay!
J : <To Susan> Susan!
S : <To Jay> Jay.
J : <To Elizabeth> Cow!
E : <To Jay> Scum!
****************
* The 'C' Word *
****************
A : There! Now let's give our heart to Elizabeth.
AN : You give her the heart. I got a little something else she might enjoy!
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
*********************
* Feardom Of Speech *
*********************
H : Louise, who's Mitch Reddy?
L : Oh - he used to work at Waterton, it's before your time. <laughs>
H : Oh..I take it you had a thing for this guy?
L : It depends on what you call a "thing" Herman. If sprinkling my pillow with
his cologne, following him to work every day and paying a dry cleaner for
one of his soiled shirts constitutes a "thing" I guess I did.
H : Did anything ever come of it?
L : You mean like a restraining order?
*********************
* Feardom Of Speech *
*********************
<The brain characters are discussing whether Herman should give a speach or
not>
AN : The only thing I care about is getting that blond chick to take her clothes
off. I don't care about the speech. I don't wanna give a speech - forget
about the speech!
G : If we give the speech, the blonde 'chick' will be impressed, and may just
take off her clothes.
AN : <Adopting Shakespearean pose> "Then speak the speech I pray you."
*********************
* Feardom Of Speech *
*********************
C : Thank you Sherman. I've always thought we've had more than just a
boss-underling relationship, and that we were in fact...friends.
H : Well, I'm glad you feel that way.
C : I just need to know - is Sherman your first name or your last name?
H : Neither.
C : Whatever.
*********************
* Feardom Of Speech *
*********************
<Herman is trying to convince Louise to talk to Mitch Reddy and is
complementing her>
H : Louise, you're a terrific woman, now go talk to him.
L : I need more Herman!
H : Okay - you're funny, you're intelligent.....
L : <Interrupting> I know all that - how about the body Herman?
H : It's a great body.
L : Hey, you bet it is! <looking at a guy who's sitting alone at a table> In
your dreams pal!
*********************
* Feardom Of Speech *
*********************
<Jay walks up to Herman in the bar, where Herman is trying to write a speech>
J : So good - you're working on your speech.
H : Yeah - I'm trying to Jay.
J : Good. 'Cos I was just talking to the bus boy, and he said if you screw up
one of these speeches, you could really...end your career.
H : <Annoyed> What the hell does a bus boy know about giving a speech?
J : He gave last year's.
*********************
* Feardom Of Speech *
*********************
L : Herman. Herman. Guess what?
H : What?
L : I have a date with Mitch Reddy.
H : That's great!
L : <distraught> I'm a basket case!
*********************
* Feardom Of Speech *
*********************
HD : Y'know, I only have one day left to meet the chairman of the board.
H : Why don't you just start with the chairman of the board?
HD : Coperate types love to steal women from their underlings - it reinforces
their masculinity.
H : Heddy - y..you understand the male physce so well. You could have been a
socialologist, a teacher, a....
L : <Interrupting> Prostitute.
*********************
* Feardom Of Speech *
*********************
<Herman has mucked up his first speech. Mr.Crawford walks into the research
dept.>
C : Sherman! My God that speech was a disaster. That was the most weak-kneed,
spineless, namby-pamby display of...female histrionics that I've ever had
the misfortune to witness.
H : But otherwise you were fine with it...?
C : Sherman - I don't like sarcasm. It confuses me.
H : Mr.Crawford, I feel bad enough as it is. I mean when am I gonna get another
chance like that?
C : Tomorrow at 2 O'clock.
H : What?
C : Sit down. I wanna tell you a little story. I was once afraid of cottage
cheese. I thought it was the devil's food. Then, one day I forced myself to
scarf down a whole tub of it. And that wasn't easy because I'm lactose
intolerant. But soon I grew to like it. Now I eat it all the time - mostly
with fruit. Y'see where I'm going with this?
H : <Slowly> Not at all.
C : Damn - I was hoping you were keeping track.
*********************
* Feardom Of Speech *
*********************
<Herman is having another go at giving a speech. Mr.Crawford is introducing
him...>
C : Ladies and Gentlemen I'd like to apologise for last night, it was my fault.
I promised you an inspirational and moving speech. I gave you....a timid
little boy. He had too many candy canes, he got a little jittery and
he....tossed his cookies.
*********************
* Feardom Of Speech *
*********************
C : Sherman! What you said about research - that was beautiful! <Hugging
Herman>
<Crawford stops hugging Herman and looks at Mr.Bracken>
C : It's OK - we were hugging like men.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
**********************
* Friends And Lovers *
**********************
<Mr.Bracken is about to take over his brother-in-law's hotel>
H : You're really going to take over a hotel?
B : Hell, I always said I could run it better than he could - now's my chance
to prove it. Besides, if the Golden Girls can do it how hard can it be?
**********************
* Friends And Lovers *
**********************
A : We are not going to jeopardise our relationship with Elizabeth over some
stupid article.
AN : Damn right! We're jeopardise it over the chance to bag a trashy woman!
**********************
* Friends And Lovers *
**********************
H : Jay, if I cancel my vacation with Elizabeth she'll kill me.
<Jay looks around the back of Herman's neck>
H : What are you doing?
J : I'm trying to see where she attaches the leash.
**********************
* Friends And Lovers *
**********************
<Mr.Bracken and Heddy are discussing what to do about the hotel they have
bought, which is about to be closed down by the Department of Health>
HD : Okay then, this is what we'll do. Declare bankruptcy.
B : Never! A Bracken has never declared bankruptcy! It's unthinkable!
HD : So what are ya gonna do?
B : Fake my own death.
**********************
* Friends And Lovers *
**********************
<Louise is reading out the song that Mr.Bracken has written to plug his hotel>
L : "Lake Winnetonka, it's a hit.
Lake Winnetonka, it's a place to sit.
Lake Winnetonka.....bring a kid, get a free cot.
Lake Winnetonka.......Why not."
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
*******************************
* Subterranean Homesick Blues *
*******************************
H : What happened to my shirt?
Elizabeth : Don't you remember? We tore it in half and used it to tie me to the
shower curtain rod.
H : Aaahhh, that's right.
*******************************
* Subterranean Homesick Blues *
*******************************
<On the subject of moving in with Elizabeth>
AN : I know women - they can be pretty unreasonable. I get the feeling the
first time we bring home a date there'll be hell to pay.
*******************************
* Subterranean Homesick Blues *
*******************************
AN : We can't move into her place!
A : Why not?
AN : Because it's *her* place. I mean, did Adam move in with Eve? No. Why? Why
- because it was *his* place. He was there first. Did Romeo move in with
Juliet? No! Why? Because they both killed themselves. Did Wilbur move in
with Mr.Ed. No! Why?
G : Because he was a horse.
*******************************
* Subterranean Homesick Blues *
*******************************
H : Don't mock the Wolfman.
*******************************
* Subterranean Homesick Blues *
*******************************
<Herman and Elizabeth are arguing>
H : Look. A little hair on the floor is nothing compared to your smoking.
Elizabeth : Are you saying that I smoke too much?
H : I'm saying you could cure bacon in there. <The bedroom>
*******************************
* Subterranean Homesick Blues *
*******************************
<Herman goes to see Mr.Bracken>
B : What is it Herman?
H : Well sir, Elizabeth and I just moved in together, and it's...it's a little
rough going right now. I thought since you were married for 25 years you
might be able to give me some advice.
B : Get everything in writing now. Get a good attorney and get an accountant
with a knack for hiding income.
H : What..what I meant was what did you and you wife do to work out all your
differences?
B : Filed for divorce.
*******************************
* Subterranean Homesick Blues *
*******************************
B : Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm right in the middle of counter-suing my wife.
*******************************
* Subterranean Homesick Blues *
*******************************
<Herman and Elizabeth are having a housewarming party, but the two groups of
friends are not talking to each other>
H : So, is everyone having a good time so far?
B : I've never seen such rude, self-satisfied, arrogant snobs before in my life.
HD : I don't understand it, I should fit right in.
L : This is quite possibly the best party I've ever been to.
*******************************
* Subterranean Homesick Blues *
*******************************
<Jay is helping Herman move out of Elizabeth's apartment>
J : This yours Herm? <Pointing to Elizabeth's stereo system>
H : No, it's Elizabeth's.
J : You want it?
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
******************************************
* The One Where They Go On The Love Boat *
******************************************
<Jay, Herman and another woman are in the elevator. The woman gets out first,
smiling to Herman as she leaves. Herman and Jay walk into the research
department>
J : Y'see. Y'see? That girl was all over you. You didn't do anything.
H : She just smiled at me Jay.
J : Herman, if a woman smiles at you - she wants you. If she bumps into you -
she wants you. If she says "Do you know what the time is?" She might as
well be saying "Take me right here."
<Mr.Bracken walks out of his office>
B : Herman, do you know what time it is?
J : Take him Herm.
******************************************
* The One Where They Go On The Love Boat *
******************************************
B : <To the whole of the research dept> I have an announcement. Louise and I
are getting married.
L : <Shocked> What!?
B : Just joking. I realised I needed to lighten up.
L : Well, I'm glad it lightened you up...'cos it nearly killed me.
******************************************
* The One Where They Go On The Love Boat *
******************************************
<Angel is crying because she can't forget about Elizabeth. The other brain
characters are trying to think of something to take their mind off of her>
AN : I've got the perfect solution. We go on this cruise...and we pop some
other chick!
A : <sobbing> No.. I don't wanna pop some other chick... I wanna pop Elizabeth.
******************************************
* The One Where They Go On The Love Boat *
******************************************
H : Hey Mr.Bracken.
<Mr.Bracken grunts at Herman in acknowledgment>
H : What's in the doctors bag?
B : I have asprin, anti-histomine, sea-sickness pills, muscle relaxers,
patches, diahorretics..and in case all that fails - a fifth of "Wild
Turkey".
******************************************
* The One Where They Go On The Love Boat *
******************************************
<Davy Jones walks past Herman and Louise>
L : Hermah! Did you see who that was?
H : <Looks> Oh Yeaaahh - it's David Cassidy.
L : You...you idiot! That's not David Cassidy - that my friend is Davy Jones.
H : Y'sure it's not David Cassidy?
L : You say that one more time I'm gonna have to kill you. David Cassidy was a
member of the Partridge family. Davy Jones was one of "The Monkees". The
Partridge family was a made-up band on TV. "The Monkees" was a real rock
group who played their own instruments, eventually.
******************************************
* The One Where They Go On The Love Boat *
******************************************
B : Herman! I just took my body weight in pharmacuticles<?> - I feel remarkably
well.
******************************************
* The One Where They Go On The Love Boat *
******************************************
<Louise comes across a very docile-looking Mr.Bracken, who is sitting in a
deckchair. He appears to be stoned out of his mind! ;) >
L : Are you OK?
B : I'm gonna be fine Louise, I just took some tranquilisers.
L : You seem a little groggy. How many of those pills did you take?
B : Somewhere in the neighbourhood of a dozen.
L : Maybe you ought to go down to the dining room and get something to eat.
B : I'm not hungry. <Standing up> Excuse me - I'm going for a drive.
L : Mr.Bracken. Stay away from the rail.
B : Louise - I have lived in this house for thirty-five years......Lock up when
you leave. <Walks away>
******************************************
* The One Where They Go On The Love Boat *
******************************************
L : Hi Herman!
H : Hi Louise.
L : Guess what? I spent the whole night with Davy Jones.We talked. He sang
"Daydream Believer", we danced in the moonlight, then he walked me to my
room and he kissed me goodnight.
H : Do didn't sleep with him?
L : Nope. When I look back on one of the most special nights of my life I don't
wanna say "I lost my virginity to a Monkee."
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
**************************
* A Charlie Brown Fitzer *
**************************
<It's Christmas. The brain characters are fitting the 'brain' out with festive
decorations>
A : I love Christmas. Being with family.....
AN : Eating turkey.
A : Being in the house where we grew up.....
AN ; Eating stuffing.
A : Seeing mum <mom?> and dad....
AN : Eating leftovers.
A : Can't you think of anything but food?
AN : Well I can. I just think that by the time we've finished dinner we'll be a
little bloated for sex, that's all.
**************************
* A Charlie Brown Fitzer *
**************************
<Jay is talking about his Christmas gambling trip>
J : Excellent, excellent. I can't wait - I have a brand new system worked out
for Blackjack.
H : Oh yeah? What is it?
J : I play three days non-stop, and then, and here's the key....I bathe.
H : Why is bathing the key?
J : 'Cos last time I didn't bathe and they threw me out.
**************************
* A Charlie Brown Fitzer *
**************************
J : Heddy, will you deal again? I need to practice.
HD : I'll deal again, but this time you can't rub me there for luck.
J : That wasn't for luck.
**************************
* A Charlie Brown Fitzer *
**************************
L : Hey look! It's Joan Rivers! I'm gonna go get her autograph.
B : Louise, that's not Joan Rivers. That's a cross-dressing male prostitute.
L : Mr.Bracken, how could you tell?
B : You don't wanna know.
**************************
* A Charlie Brown Fitzer *
**************************
<Herman and Heddy are stranded at Louise's house as her cousin (Crazy Phil) has
stolen his car>
H : Phil will be back, won't he?
L : Eventually. He knows if he's late getting back to the institution they'll
revoke his finger-painting privaledges.
**************************
* A Charlie Brown Fitzer *
**************************
H : Well Mr.Fitzer, how are you?
Mr.Fitzer : <Offering a plate> Jerky?
H : Oh, thanks. Y'know, that stuff is not bad.
Mr.Fitzer : Oh, this is different. Out with the old and in with the new. <He
notices that Herman doesn't like the food> It doesn't tickle your
fancy?
H : What is it?
Mr.Fitzer : It's an experimental jerky I've been working on. Can ya guess what
it is? I'll give you a hint. It's a part of the cow no-one ever
thought to eat before.
**************************
* A Charlie Brown Fitzer *
**************************
Mrs.Fitzer : Louise? Have you thought about bleaching the hair on your arms?
L : What kind of a question is that? Mother, have you thought about shaving
your head?
**************************
* A Charlie Brown Fitzer *
**************************
H : Everyone is embarrased by their parents now and then.
L : Are you?
H : Louise, my mother hasn't changed her hairstyle since Eisenhower was in
office. It looks like she's got a cake on her head.
<Louise laughs>
H : And my father is a tyre salesman - he could talk for hours about tyres. He
never 'tyres' of tyres. That's his favourite joke Louise, I've heard it
sixty-two hundred times.
<Louise laughs again>
H : You know what he's looking forward to? re-"tyre"ing. That's his second
favourite joke.
L : It's cold Herman - get to the point.
**************************
* A Charlie Brown Fitzer *
**************************
H : "As the twig is bent, so grows the tree."
Mr.Fitzer : What the hell's that supposed to mean?
H : ...........I don't know.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
******************
* Open All Night *
******************
B : Crawford, these are a mess. Now don't you have editors to make sure these
things make sense?
C : Ohh..Ahh..Actually that's what I do. I..I've been demoted. Sent back to the
ranks to prove that I've still got the stuff to be a great executive.
So...<Points to the article that Mr.Bracken is still holding> Print that
crap up, will ya?
******************
* Open All Night *
******************
G : Who said that?
W : I did!
G : Why!?
W : It was logical.
G : <Laughs> And whose job is logic?
W : Yours.
G : And what happens when you do a job you're not qualified to do?
W : I dunno.
G : You must wear the "Panties Of Death!"
W : Oh no! Not the "Panties Of Death!" <Runs out of the shot, towards the
camera>
A : What the hell are the "Panties Of Death?"
G : I've no idea. I just combined the two words he fears the most:"Panties"
and.. "Death." <Genius stands looking smug>
******************
* Open All Night *
******************
C : <To Louise> How d'ya like to make coffee for all of us Lois?
L : <To Mr.Crawford> How d'ya like me to go home?
******************
* Open All Night *
******************
B : How would you like me to tell Mr.Williams what you did with his daughter?
J : <Walking over to Mr.Bracken> How do you know about that?
B : I know everything - I'm Bracken.
******************
* Open All Night *
******************
J : <To Mr.Crawford> Oh - do me a favour and er.. brew up a pot for me will ya?
C : Who the hell do you think you are?
J : <Showing the article> I'm the guy who's fixing your article.
C : <Holding up the jug> Drip or percolated?
******************
* Open All Night *
******************
J : Look, if you must know, I have "Writer's Block." I haven't been able to do
anything in weeks. I don't even..think I can write any more.
L : Yes you can! You're having trouble 'cause your mind isn't on your work -
it's in the gutter. You're a sexually obsessed, emotionally crippled,
dependant pig.
J : Thought I kept that all hidden!
******************
* Open All Night *
******************
C : Did I ever tell you I didn't get along with my parents?
B : No....
C : I wasn't a favourite. And the fact that I was an only child just made it
worse.
******************
* Open All Night *
******************
HD : <Standing up> Hey! You are not going anywhere. You're gonna stay here and
do anything I want you to. You'll do your work, my work, and if I feel
like it, my taxes!
H : What makes you think I'm going to do your taxes?
HD : <Sitting down> 'Cos I'm not wearing any underwear. <Poses seductively>
******************
* Open All Night *
******************
C : I love you Paul.
B : Crawford - you're starting to scare me now.
******************
* Open All Night *
******************
L : I feel left out! At first I was glad that you never made a pass at me. You
always made passes at Heddy, you made passes at women that you knew,
women that didn't know, short women, tall women, fat women, bald women.
******************
* Open All Night *
******************
C : You knew I was trying to hold you back, and..still you help me? Why?
B : Because I know how you feel. I'm also 52. I'm in the middle of a divorce
and every day I wonder if I was ever in trouble, who would be there for me.
Looking at you is like...seeing a fish flopping around trying to get back
into the water.
C : Should I take offence at that fish thing?
B : Only if you understood it. <Starts to work again>
C : Oh..Then no offence taken.
******************
* Open All Night *
******************
J : You know that I'm insincere, immature, shallow...
L : <Continuing> Egotistical, petty, masogonistic.
J : I was doin' fine on my own. Thanks.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
******************
* Gals-A-Poppin' *
******************
<Jay comes into the research dept and slaps an article on Herman's desk>
H : What's that Jay?
J : That, my friend, is a dead story. Took me three weeks to write that
article, and in two minutes Decker killed it.
H : You're kidding - why?
J : He said it was - quote "Messy work". Gimme a break - messy work..
H : What's this on the first page?
J : Oh..ah, that's cream cheese.
H : No no...here?
J : That's coffee.
<Herman points at another part of the page, but before he can say anything>
J : That's Jelly. Alright, gimme that! <Snatching the article>
******************
* Gals-A-Poppin' *
******************
<Herman is complaining about the new boss>
H : Mr.Bracken, can't we do something about this guy? His style is autocratic,
his policies are drakonian it's almost anathama to good work. <Not sure
about the entire *line* :) )
B : Let me guess - Mom gave you one of those little vocabulary calenders for
Christmas?
H : ........It was a stocking stuffer.
******************
* Gals-A-Poppin' *
******************
<Phillip Decker, the new boss, is talking to the research dept about their
work>
Phillip Decker : ...In my opinion the work in this department is sub-standard.
If I don't see a change I'll be forced to let every one of you
go. It may not sound nice, but I wasn't given this job to be
nice. I was given this job to get results.
L : Couldn't you do both?
Phillip Decker : No.
******************
* Gals-A-Poppin' *
******************
<Herman worked with the 'enemy' - the new boss. A discussion is going on in
MacAnally's...>
HD : ...How does it feel to be a collaborator?
H : Heddy, all I did was work on his speech.
J : <To Heddy> Well what do ya want the guy to do? Say "No" and get fired? I
got news for ya - there's a resession going on.
H : Thank you Jay.
J : <To Heddy> If Herman lost this job he'd never get work. He's got a crummy
batchelor's degree. Nothin' resume, no proof in talent, no real skills.
<To Herman> Jeez buddy - how d'ya get this job?
H : You recommended me.
J : Boy - sold them a bill of goods, didn't I?
******************
* Gals-A-Poppin' *
******************
<Heddy and Louise have 'broken' into the new boss' office>
L : This makes me nervous....
HD : Louise, C'mon - you've got to loosen up. Take some risks.
L : Hey - I take plenty of risks. I'm wearing this outfit in public aren't I?
******************
* Gals-A-Poppin' *
******************
J : Well, I did it.
H : What d'ya do?
J : 'Sat down last night, wrote a letter to Decker. I gotta tell ya - I let
that guy know in no uncertain terms that I for one, will not put up with
this crap.
HD : And did you sign this manly letter?
J : <To Heddy> Whether I signed it or not is irrelevent. <To Herman> Right -
sign it, like I'm an idiot.
<Herman and Jay laugh quietly>
H : You didn't put it on your personal stationary, right? <Laughing>
J : <Laughing>.....Oh Herman, I am an idiot.
******************
* Gals-A-Poppin' *
******************
<Louise is explaining what happened to Mr.Decker's speech>
L : Look Mr.Decker. Last night, Heddy and I put your speech on a disk then wiped
the whole thing off your computer.
HD : Louise....
L : And we did this because, you Sir, are a slimeball. You are rude to your
employees and you are disrespectful to women.
Phillip Decker : <Annoyed> Where..is..this..disk?
L : I...lost it in a tragic purse cleaning accident.
******************
* Gals-A-Poppin' *
******************
Phillip Decker : <To Louise> Who are you!?
L : Your worst nightmare!
Phillip Decker : Can't argue with that!
******************
* Gals-A-Poppin' *
******************
<Louise and Co. have just returned from Phillip Decker's office. The 'new'
Louise has given him a piece of her mind>
L : I'm sure I'll be fine once I calm down and return to my normal self.
HD : So it's back to old Louise?
L : Guess so......Well, the old Louise with a tattoo on her ass.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
********************************
* Layla--The Unplugged Version *
********************************
HD : Mr.Bracken, women aren't interested in what a man wears. It's what's on the
inside that counts.
B : You really think so Heddy?
HD : Hell no, but that's your only shot 'cos what's on the outside sure ain't
workin'.
********************************
* Layla--The Unplugged Version *
********************************
<Angel is telling Animal what she thinks of him>
A : ....And second of all, I've had it with your grotesque masonogy!
AN : Well then don't look at it!
********************************
* Layla--The Unplugged Version *
********************************
<Jay and Layla meet...>
J : <To Layla> Here comes my pookie!
Layla : <To Jay> Here comes my snuggles!
<They run into each others arms. Cut to brain>
AN : Here comes my lunch.
********************************
* Layla--The Unplugged Version *
********************************
<Herman is talking about his night out with Mr.Bracken>
H : Bar-hopping with Bracken. I now officially have no life.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
**********************
* My Funny Valentine *
**********************
H : So how about you Jay, you got a date for Valentine's day?
J : Hey - as long as there are illegal aliens who want citizenship, Jay
Nichols will have a date.
**********************
* My Funny Valentine *
**********************
<Herman is describing to Julie (his new girlfriend) his plans for Valentine's
day>
J : Herman - before you go too far there's something we have to talk about.
<Cut to brain>
W : Oh no - this can't be good.
G : Oh - will you stop worrying, it could be anything. Could be she's pregnant
or has been diagnosed with a vernerial disease.
W : This is supposed to make me feel better?
G : No - it's supposed to make you feel worse - I don't like you.
**********************
* My Funny Valentine *
**********************
<The brain characters are discussing whether or not to date Heddy for
Valentine's day>
G : No - we have tried romance with Heddy. It doesn't work.
A : Well, it's better than being alone.
AN : Well what if we date her and she doesn't have sex with us?
A : We're certainly not going to have sex if we spend the night alone.
AN : I suspect we define sex differently.
**********************
* My Funny Valentine *
**********************
<Louise's secret admirer at last makes himself known to her>
Ralph : I'm Ralph, from down the hall in Editorial. I'm your secret admirer.
L : How could you do this to me?! The last twenty-four hours have been hell-
feeling like every second there's been somebody watching me. Watching my
every move, not knowing who it is. Not knowing what could happen. It's been
awful - it's been just awful!
Ralph : So would you like to go out with me on Valentine's day?
L : <Weakly> Okay.
**********************
* My Funny Valentine *
**********************
<Herman's doorbell rings. Herman answers it.>
H : Mr.Bracken?
B : Herman, I was wondering if you had those files you were working on for
"Fishing Tackle Magazine"?
H : I gave those to you on Thursday.
B : What's the matter with you? Do you think I came here for those articles?
Do you think I *care* about those articles? Don't you recognise a desperate
plea for companionship, when you hear one?
**********************
* My Funny Valentine *
**********************
<Herman, Jay and Mr.Bracken are reflecting on the fact that all of the do not
have a date for Valentine's day>
B : We don't need women, right guys?
J : That's right!
H : You said it Mr.Bracken.
B : They're nothing but trouble.
J : Damn straight!
B : In fact, I'm glad my wife is divorcing me.
J : <To Mr.Bracken> Me too!
B : How dare you say that you son-of-a-bitch! I love that woman!
**********************
* My Funny Valentine *
**********************
<Herman, Jay and Mr.Bracken are making a toast...>
H+J+B : "Valentine's Day sucks!"
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
***********************
* Cat's In The Cradle *
***********************
<Herman is introducing his father to Mr.Bracken, Louise and Heddy>
H : Hey everybody, this is my father. Dad - this is everybody.
<Everyone says their "Hello"s>
B : <To Mr.Brooks> I'm Paul Bracken. Herman works for me in the research room.
But we have more than a boss-employee relationship. Actually I...I treat
Herman like my own son.
Mr.Brooks : No kidding! Any chance you paying the balance of his college loans?
B : <Laughing> I don't think so!
Mr.Brooks : What kind of father are ya?
***********************
* Cat's In The Cradle *
***********************
<Herman and Louise are writing a user manual>
L : <Without pausing for breath> I'm done proofing chapter 19. Chapter 20 is
almost done. Isn't this great Herman? We're burning the midnight oil. We're
putting the pedal to the metal. We're pulling an all-nighter!
H : We're not gonna pull an all-nighter Louise...
L : Well, that's some bad news 'cos I just had six cups of coffee and I am
*flyin'.* <To Herman's father, while walking from her desk to the entrance
to the research dept> Hi there! How's it goin'? Nice to see ya. What's new?
Good, good. Listen, I'm just gonna run up and down the stairs for a while.
***********************
* Cat's In The Cradle *
***********************
L : ...And I got a caffiene rush that would make Keith Richards jealous.
***********************
* Cat's In The Cradle *
***********************
<Louise is 'explaining' to Herman how she is coping with writing the manual>
L : <Pounding Herman's chest with her fists and sobbing> I can't do it, I can't
do it, I can't do it!
H : Louise, just calm yourself down, just tell yourself you *can* do it.
L : <Calmly> I can do it, I can do it, I <back to the pounding and the sobbing>
can't do it, I can't do it!
H : You can Louise, you're tough!
L : I'm tough!
H : You're tenacious!
L : I'm tenacious!
H : You don't know the meaning of the word "quit"!
L : I don't know the meaning of the word "tenacious"!
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
***************************
* Anatomy Of A Blind Date *
***************************
<Louise has set Herman up with a blind date. Mr.Bracken is apparantly upset
because she used an office telephone for personal use>
B : I'm dissapointed in you Louise.
L : I'm sorry Mr.Bracken.
B : If you're gonna set someone up, why not me?... Oh I guess it's because
you think I'm nothing but a bitter old crap-hound.
<He pauses for a reply from Louise, but gets nothing>
B : This is the part where you say "Oh no, not you Mr.Bracken."
L : <Falsely> "Oh no, not you Mr.Bracken."
***************************
* Anatomy Of A Blind Date *
***************************
<Jay is trying to organise a poker session>
HD : Well, I'll play poker.
J : Oh - I didn't know you liked poker Heddy?
HD : Oh, what's not to like? You cheat and bluff and take money from men. It's
just like dating.
***************************
* Anatomy Of A Blind Date *
***************************
A : That's how you judge women? How many beers it takes before you want to
sleep with them?
AN : You got a better system?
***************************
* Anatomy Of A Blind Date *
***************************
Ellen : I thought my job was boring until I found out what Louise does for a
living. Imagine being a fact checker <laughs>. So where do you know
Louise from?
H : We live in the same building.
Ellen : Really? I live in Louise's building too - I've never seen you.
H : Oh! <Laughing falsely> Did I say we live in the same building? I mean we
grew up in the same home town.
Ellen : I grew up with Louise. I don't remember ever...seeing you or...
H : Alright alright - I'm a fact checker dammnit!
***************************
* Anatomy Of A Blind Date *
***************************
<Louise and Heddy are just about to go home after winning a lot of money off
Mr.Bracken>
B : Nobody moves!
L : What?
B : It's impolite to win and just leave without giving me a chance to win it
back! We are staying here and playing until my luck changes.
HD : A..A..are we talking about your luck just in cards, or also in your
personal life which has been going so badly lately?
B : Just cards.
L : Well, what about your luck in your professional life, 'cos that been
pretty lousy too since Mr.Decker came...
B : <Interrupting> Just cards.
J : Well what about your luck with haircuts 'cos after that last one y....
B : <Shouting> JUST CARDS!
***************************
* Anatomy Of A Blind Date *
***************************
AN : What the hell are you doing? Why do you keep coming back to the weather?
You're boring her to death.
G : Well, we've talked about where she's from, what she does for a living, her
brothers, her sisters - I'm all out of first date smalltalk.
W : I've got something to talk about. Trust me - it's a good line.
<Cut to MacAnally's, where Herman is with his date>
H : Oooh - radishes make me gassy.
<Quite a time passes, during which Herman's date makes puzzled faces and the
audience laugh. The shot cuts back to the brain>
AN : I dunno, I liked it.
***************************
* Anatomy Of A Blind Date *
***************************
<The brain characters are interpreting the 'signals' from Herman's date>
W : Oooohh - I feel her leg under the table.
G : We've achieved "footsie!"
AN : I'm getting really excited!
W : She has a very hard leg!
G : Wait a minute you...moron! That's a table leg!
AN : Oddly enough I'm still getting very excited.
***************************
* Anatomy Of A Blind Date *
***************************
Ellen : So you don't mind if I stay?
H : ...You mean sleep here?
Ellen : Yeah.
H : Oh..well yeah..yeah, sure. Yeah, I..I can take the couch and you can have
the bed.
Ellen : No no - let's sleep together. I mean, without sleeping together.
H : Can that be done?
Ellen : Sure. We can just..hold each other and talk.
H : Okay....
<Cut to brain>
AN : Hold each other and talk? It's bad enough we have to do it *after*, now we
have to do it *instead of*?
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
*************************
* God, Girls And Herman *
*************************
AN : What's church?
G : A house of worship.
<Animal nods 'no', indicating he hasn't a clue>
G : The institution where we received our religious education...?
<Animal nods 'no' again>
G : It's the place where they gave us the grape juice and the cracker.
*************************
* God, Girls And Herman *
*************************
<'God' has appeared in Herman's head, in the form of Leslie Nielsen>
G : Wait a minute. You're not God - you're Leslie Nielsen!
GOD : Everyone has to picture something when they pray. Moses pictured a
burning bush, some people picture Charlton Heston - you Herman, pictured
me - <smiling> Leslie Neilsen.
G : Well, er.. No offence, but err...why would we picture Leslie Neilsen?
GOD : Well why not me? I've got white hair, a deep voice. I mean I didn't just
do all those "Naked Gun" pictures y'know, I'm also a very fine dramatic
actor. I mean you must remember me in that science-fiction classis
"Forbidden Planet"?
W : This is who we've been afraid of all these years, this is God?
G : It's not God. It's obviously an hallucination.
GOD : <Pointing to Genius> You! Come unto me!
G : Me?
GOD : That's right.
G : Unto you?
GOD : Yes!
<Genius walks up to God>
GOD : So you don't believe that I exist?
G : Well, I wouldn't....
<Before Genius can say any more, God lashes out with a punch, hitting Genius on
the jaw. Genius cries out in pain>
G : Now how's that for existing?
*************************
* God, Girls And Herman *
*************************
<Herman has noticed that Eve is eating a banana, and is staring at her. Shot
cuts to brain>
A : <To Animal> I know what you're thinking, now stop it!
AN : What?! I'm just watching her eat a banana! I'm suprised at you. She's a
married woman.
A : Wha.a..a..I just...
AN : Now you heard of what God said, get your mind out of the gutter!
A : You're right. I'm a disgusting, sewer-mouthed shrew.
AN : Yes you are.
<Animal turns and walks off. He turns his head to the camera as the lights go
down. He adopts his Shakespearean voice>
AN : "But they doth not know, is that the fair Eve shall soon be mine.
Her...budding lips will soon part to....savour the dew of the..."
<He notices he is getting carried away and goes back to his normal voice>
AN : Well anyway, I'm gonna nail her.
*************************
* God, Girls And Herman *
*************************
AN : The only thing I'm good for is crude, empty, shallow sex. And of
course...Tetris.
*************************
* God, Girls And Herman *
*************************
<Angel is trying to get God to forgive them because they(Herman) slept with a
married woman>
A : O Great Jehova! Allow me to grovel in thy presence.
GOD : You can grovel all you want sweetheart - you guys are still going to hell.
G : <To God> Ohh..Ahhh, excuse me. But..by hell, you mean we'll be so stricken
with guilt it'll feel like hell. Correct?
GOD : Noooooo. I mean you're going to burn in hell! For eternity.
G : Aha. L..let's talk about eternity. Umm..you mean that a mere second will be
so horrible it'll seem like an eternity. Kind of like standing in line at
the Department of Motor Vehicles?
GOD : No, I mean *eternity*. Forever. A never-ending nightmare of pain and
suffering and despair. More like waiting in line at the Post Office.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
************************************
* Fired In A Crowded Research Room *
************************************
<Louise is trying to explain to Herman that she is dying>
L : I am dying Herman!
<Herman tuts and sighs. Louise shows him the medical journal>
L : Look, I have all the symptoms: Pelvic discomfort, swelling, headaches!
H : Louise. Louise, it's impossible for you to have this.
L : But I think I do!
L : Louise, you do *not* have testicular cancer!
************************************
* Fired In A Crowded Research Room *
************************************
<Jay is explaining to Herman that doing all of Heddy's work is bad for his
image>
J : <To Herman> I mean, how does it look - I'm seen consorting with a known
wuss.
************************************
* Fired In A Crowded Research Room *
************************************
<Louise walks into the research dept.>
L : Sorry I'm late Mr.Bracken. I was at the doctors again.
B : Louise. I told you, you do not have any illnesses. Those symptoms were
brought on by the articles I asked you to check.
L : That's not true!
B : Alright. If you're so sure that it has nothing to do with these articles,
you can check this one on Turet's syndrome.
<Mr.Bracken hands Louise the article and walks into his office>
L : Okay, than you Sir. <To herself> Son-of-a-bitch butt-face-whoop!
<Herman walks in to the department>
H : Mornin Louise. Boy, it sure seems peaceful around here without Heddy.
L : Yeah <laughing> I suppose. <To herself> Dog face rat bastard - Oh no!
H : Pardon me?
L : I didn't say anything Herman. <To herself> Dirt bag scum sucker - Oh ya!
************************************
* Fired In A Crowded Research Room *
************************************
<Heddy is talking to Louise about her new job>
HD : ...In fact, the new job I have sucks!
L : Well - it couldn't be that bad. <Laughing> It's not like you're selling
door-to-door.
HD : <Opening her case> Madame, are you familiar with the "Lovely You" skin
care products?
L : Then again, you're time's your own and there's no pressure.
************************************
* Fired In A Crowded Research Room *
************************************
B : I do love research. God help me, but I do love it so.
************************************
* Fired In A Crowded Research Room *
************************************
<Animal is talking about the date that Herman and Jay have with a pair of
twins>
AN : Yeah - we are lookin' good. Time to bring out the Minnesota twins!
G : Yeah. Thank God Jay convinced tham that Heddy was lying.
AN : Yeah - I hope Jay doesn't try and stick us with the ugly one.
G : They're identical twins you nitwit!
AN : So what you're saying is...If Jay sticks us with the ugly one, we can
switch 'em and he'll never know the difference!
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
*********************
* Love Me Two Timer *
*********************
<Louise sees Herman and Margi walk into the research dept.>
L : Hi Margi, hi Herman!
Margi : Hey Louise - beatiful sweater.
L : Oh thank you. It's hot and sweaty, it chafes at the neck and scratches my
wrists but, I like it.
*********************
* Love Me Two Timer *
*********************
<Jay walks into the research dept and notices Herman and Margi>
Margi : Hi Jay.
J : Margi - you ready for that three-way yet? I'm free Thursday.
Margi : I'm busy Thursday. You guys will just have to do it yourselves.
J : Never realised that - you take the women out of a three-way it
becomes...quite a hideous proposition.
*********************
* Love Me Two Timer *
*********************
<Jay is talking about the party that he and Herman are at>
J : Can you believe this party? Never seen so many things I wanna put in my
mouth at one time.
*********************
* Love Me Two Timer *
*********************
<Herman and Jay are still at the party>
J : Okay! Time to meet Lita Ford.
H : Oh - you really think you're gonna walk right up to her and meet her?
J : Got it all figured out Herm - I bump into her, introduce myself. She'll
fall for me and we'll eventually marry. I'll grow my hair long, get a few
tatoos, go to celebrity parties, become an alcoholic. Then she'll leave me
and it'll end in a bitter divorce.
H : Okay, so walk right up to her and meet her.
J : You kidding me? That bitch ruined my life.
*********************
* Love Me Two Timer *
*********************
<Angel is thinking about telling Margi that they slept with another women>
AN : Don't you know anything? You never tell your girlfriend you cheated on
her. They always take it the wrong way!
*********************
* Love Me Two Timer *
*********************
J : Well, I'm not having any luck.
H : What are you talking about?
J : Tracking down the guy Lita Ford left the party with.
H : Come on Jay! Stop obsessing about this.
J : Herm - can you imagine, being the guy she picked up? I've heard what she's
like you know. Heard she likes to wear this silk nightgown.
<Cut to brain. Animal is shown reading 'Playboy'>
AN : It's a satin teddy.
<Cut back to Jay>
J : It's got one of those drawstrings in the back.
<Cut to brain>
AN : Nah - it's in front.
<Cut back to Jay>
J : And for the guys she *really* likes....
<Cut to brain>
AN : Red panties...
<Cut back to Jay>
J : No panties!
<Cut to brain>
AN : Bummer!
*********************
* Love Me Two Timer *
*********************
<Genius is arguing with Angel about forgetting about Margi and to continue
seeing Lita Ford>
G : We're trying to put some excitement in our life! If you don't wanna join us
then go sit over there! (pointing offscreen>
A : Fine! But when you're about to make love, don't count on me for *any*
sesitivity.
G + AN : Oooooo! No sensitivity.
G : Guess we can't have sex now!
<Genius and Animal laugh very loudly>
*********************
* Love Me Two Timer *
*********************
<Herman is talking to Lita>
H : Who's Raphael?
Lita : Errr. Raphael is the guy I was seeing before I was seeing you. <She
strums on her guitar> Actually Raphael was the guy I was seeing *while* I
was seeing you. <More strumming> Okay, Raphael was one of the guys I was
seeing while I was seeing you.
<Cut to brain>
W : By my calculations, by sleeping with this women we have slept with...<sound
of printing calculator working>...approximately.....<The calculator stops>
Cleveland!
G : What are you worried about?! We used a condom! <Turning to face the camera>
And kids, don't forget to study and remember...smoking isn't cool.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
*******************
* I Wanna Go Home *
*******************
HD : What is this about a job Herman?
H : Oh, my brother's been bugging me about an opening in his office in Toledo
for a junior executive.
HD : Oh, you're thinking about going back to Ohio? Oh, you're so fortunate.
Well, you'll be there for "Mosquito Day", "The Humidity Festival" and
"The big boned women parade."
*******************
* I Wanna Go Home *
*******************
AN : <To Genius> What's wrong with you?
G : I don't know - I feel strange.
AN : You're not waffling are you?
G : I am not waffling. I am thinking. I am in charge of thinking, that's what
I'm doing.
AN : What exactly are you thinking?
G : I'm thinking of waffling.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Back to the HH page.