Blue Light Productions presents

Limp-Asparagus Lad #44
A Legion of Net.Heroes title

"Somewhere Friendly"  part two

Written and copyright 2001 Saxon Brenton
Art by Fr*d H*mback

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Cover shows Limp-Asparagus Lad and Luke sitting on a wooden picnic 
table by the sea.
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As your remember from our last un-dramatic episode:
     Luke began folding up his blanket and said, "I think it's your 
turn to give a piece of back history."
     "What would you like to know?" Limp-Asparagus Lad asked. "About 
how my biological parents were kidnapped by aliens? About the 
increasing social isolation I felt after my powers of dull manifested 
themselves during my early teen years in IO.wa? About how I was 
originally one of the gif.clones of Sig.Lad that were created by 
Acton Lord, only to have an independent origin retconned in later?"
     "Actually, in the endnotes for issue 41 it said that we'd get to 
find out how you met your girlfriend and lost your libido."
     Limp-Asparagus Lad nodded. "Since it seems that we need a cliff-
hanger ending, let me just say that we met during a battle against the 
Brotherhood of Net.Villains for the very fate of her soul." 

Now read on:
     "It began when Professor Perhap of the Brotherhood of 
Net.Villains embarked a scheme to destroy the Legion of Net.Heroes 
from within.
     "At that point in time the Legion's disproportion of males to 
females was greater than it is today. The Professor intended to 
capitalise on this fact for his plan, and created a female GELF 
[Genetically Engineered Life Form - Footnote Girl] that he called The 
Red Head. It was his plan to have her join the Legion and with the 
help of Romantic-Innuendo cause dissent among the male Legionnaires as 
they all fought for her affections.
     "However, Professor Perhap had neglected to gain permission for 
this scheme from the then leader of the Brotherhood, Mister Homage. 
The plan was vetoed, and The Red Head was placed in suspended 
animation by Hiatus in one of Polybag Person's bags at Mister Homage's 
orders, and then disposed of at the bottom of the ocean. Anxious that 
all his work would be going to waste, Professor Perhap suggested that 
perhaps one day she would be found, and join the Legion anyway."
     [As seen in 'The Red Head', _System Corruptors_ #5 - Footnote Girl]
     "As it turned out, it was none of the Legion that discovered 
her," Limp-Asparagus Lad continued. "Dr. Stomper's perennial annual 
foe Dr. F was organising a net.villain team which he called, 
presumably tongue-in-cheek, the Union of the Useless. It included 
himself, Thread Bear, Udder Doom II, the Infra-Humanite, and The Worm."
     Luke raised an eyebrow. "The Worm?"
     "The arch-nemesis of the Carborundum Armoured Weapon. Or so he 
claims. Every time CAW sees a worm he assumes that it's The Worm, and 
shoots at it. Nevertheless, I think it is significant that after the 
fight The Worm was the only member of the Union who avoided capture.
     "In any event, Dr. F was planning to lure Dr. Stomper and any of 
Dr. Stomper's team mates who accompanied him into a trap, using a 
series of 'theme crimes' as bait. It seems that after years of 
attacking Dr. Stomper on an annual basis by himself, Dr. F had changed 
his methods somewhat this time.
     "In the process of assembling the Union of the Useless, Dr. F 
somehow happened upon The Red Head's stasis pod and released her. 
Allegedly Professor Perhap had placed subconscious programming into 
her to seek out the Legion, infiltrate it, and destroy it from within. 
If this was the case then it was either incomplete, didn't take, or 
had worn off during her storage. The Red Head seemed amenable enough 
to joining Dr. F's net.villain team and attacking the Legion, but 
apparently had no desire to infiltrate us. Being unaware of the 
original codename that Professor Perhap had given her, Dr. F gave her 
the nom de guerre of Senseless Lass."
     "SenseLESS Lass?" repeated Luke, bemused.
     "For a while after she emerged from her polybag, she only knew 
how to inhibit peoples' perceptions," the Man of Dull explained, "Given 
what we now know about her origins and her purpose to instil lust in 
the male LNHers, we expect that she will develop greater versatility 
with practice."
     "Ah. Okay then. So, you met her in the middle of a fight scene or 
something?"
     "That is correct," L-ALad monotoned. "Our eyes literally met 
across a room. Actually, were forced to meet across a room would be a 
more correct description.
     "However, first it should be noted that the initial two crime 
sprees of the Union of the Useless did not only bring them into 
conflict with the Legion of Net.Heroes. The Union's activities, and 
the presence of Senseless Lass in particular, also attracted the 
attention of the Brotherhood of Net.Villains. All of this happened 
before the Employee-Empowered, Paradigm-Shifted, Individual-Ownership, 
Downsized, Streamlined, Re-invigorated Crimes of the Brotherhood of 
Net.Villains crossover, not to mention the capture of Mister Homage by 
Continuity Champ in _Continuity Champ and the Drizzt Defenders_ #22, 
the subsequent attempt by the demon Never-won to boost the powers of 
the leaderless and directionless net.villains during the 'Underwear 
Unleashed' arc in _Tales Of The LNH_ #336-337, and Mister Homage's 
replacement as the leader of the Brotherhood by Lagneto in _System 
Corruptors_ #22b.
     "Despite Mister Homage's earlier disinterest in using The Red Head, 
he now claimed that she had to be recovered from the Union as 
Professor Perhap's property. Possibly he simply didn't want another 
net.villain group gaining members at the Brotherhood's expense, or 
alternatively Mister Homage was simply reinforcing his rule over the 
Brotherhood by keeping them off-balance and in fear of his seemingly 
arbitrary decisions. In any case, during the third robbery by the 
Union, just as the Legion of Net.Heroes caught up with them, the 
Brotherhood of Net.Villains arrived as well, precipitating a three-way 
battle."
     As L-ALad completed this lengthy bit of exposition, the 
distinctive tang of flashback smoke began to waft over the beach.

{start flashback}

     "Dr. Stomper, look!" cried Cheesecake-Eater Lad as they, along 
with Frothing-At-The-Mouth Lad, Fuzzy, Irony Man, and Limp-Asparagus 
Lad burst in. "The Brotherhood is here as well!"
     "We are hopelessly outnumbered," Limp-Asparagus Lad exclaimed 
monotonously, trying to fill in for the absent Sister-State-The-
Obvious and not doing a particularly good job.
     "That doesn't matter," decided Dr. Stomper. "It's our heroic duty 
to battle evil, especially in tension-creating fight scenes against 
superior odds. In fact, the dramatic tension of fighting against over-
whelming numbers will almost inevitably shift the odds in our favour."
     "I *hate* stupid genre conventions like that!" ranted Frothing-At-
The-Mouth Lad as the Legionnaires rushed forward. "Whatever happened 
to strategy, common sense, and tactical superiority? This sort of 
thing never happens in Real Life. I mean, what kind of message are we 
trying to send the readers here!?"
     "Mister Homage, look!" cried Romantic-Innuendo as they, along 
with X-Intruder, Professor Perhap, Captain Coredump, and Angst burst 
in. "The Legion is here as well!"
     "Ha! Let the Legion be here!" sneered Mister Homage as he struck 
a melodramatic Evil Villain pose. "Those goody-goodies don't dare 
violate their Silver Age comic-book morality, whereas we, being 
badguys, are free to use Deadly Force. Destroy them, my Net.Villains!"
     "Ieee, Saprasi! Dr. F, look!" cried the Infra-Humanite as they, 
along with Senseless Lass, Udder Doom II, Thread Bare, and The Worm 
watched the other two groups burst in. "The Legion *and* the Brother-
hood are here!"
     "Eeep!" went Dr. F, whose carefully laid plans had not factored 
in anyone other than the Legion. And then, because he'd gotten an 'F' 
in strategy as well, he yelled, "Attack! Attack!"

Professor Perhap versus Frothing-At-The-Mouth Lad versus Senseless Lass
     "Now child," said Professor Perhap to Senseless Lass, "perhaps 
you will stop this foolishness and return with me to the Brotherhood 
of Net.Villains."
     Angrily, Senseless Lass spat, "Return with you? Mister, I don't 
know who you think you are, but it'll take more than you just walking 
in here and saying 'follow me' to do that."
     "Perhaps you would be more amenable if you knew that... I am your 
father."
     "Aaarrrgh!" snarled Frothing-At-The Mouth Lad with gritted teeth. 
"Have you any idea just how *stupid* using that cliche is!? Is she 
supposed to be impressed just because an old fogy like you can dredge 
up a pop culture reference!?"
     Professor Perhap took a step backwards, on the defensive against 
FATMLad's powers to rant incessantly about implausible, contrived or 
just plain bad comic book writing, but not yet off-balance from it. He 
raised a disdainful eyebrow. "Unlikely, but perhaps that is not the 
point. Perhaps you are unaware of it, but she is a creation of mine, 
grown from genetic samples and accelerated into physical adulthood. In 
the short time that she has been awake since being... abducted into the 
Union of the Useless, it is perhaps unlikely that she has become aware 
of much popular culture."
     An explanation which did not impress FATMLad. "Oh yes?" he said 
archly, slicing through the Professor's verbiage with an economy of words.
     "Just... shut up! Both of you," ordered Senseless Lass. She 
incapacitated her erstwhile father easily. She shut down all sensory 
input, including the kinaesthetic senses of his muscles and his sense 
of balance from the inner ear. Unable to get any sort of sensation or 
feedback to orient himself properly, he simply fell over and didn't 
even feel the pain of hitting the ground hard. He did make some noises 
and movements, but again, without feedback from either his muscles or 
vocal cords these were simply random thrashings.
     Frothing-At-The-Mouth Lad was more difficult. She tried to strip 
him of his motivation by dampening down his sense of outrage at the 
stupidity of modern comics. It worked... to an extent. So great was his 
irritation that she found that she had to continually concentrate on 
keeping him placid.

Angst versus Dr. Stomper versus the Infra-Humanite
     "Ieee, Saprasi!" muttered the Infra-Humanite to himself in a thick 
accent. "A fine state of affairs this is. Once the Napoleon of Grime, I 
have been reduced to the position of hench-monkey. Worse still, I am 
sans the comforting whack over the head of Per Annum's four-by-two 
plank. Ooowwwwww."
     Angst circled the Infra-Humanite, using his powers to manipulate 
the latter's tragic addiction to ooowwwww. "Yup. Your circumstances are 
pretty tragic," the net.villain mock-commiserated.
     "Leave him alone!" ordered Dr. Stomper.
     "And if I don't?" asked Angst, amused. "How can you, one man, hope 
to make a difference here? The Legion has got lots of members, but it 
looks to me like they're all pretty much tied up at the moment." He 
gestured, causing the all-enveloping inky darkness of his cape to 
flutter. "Looks to me like your all on your own and up the creek. Face 
it, you're scragged."
     "No... it's true..." muttered Dr. Stomper as Angst's powers took 
effect. "Situation hopeless... Can only hope that the others recognise 
my sacrifice... Must go down fighting... Or I'll never be able to live 
with myself..."
     .oO( Uh oh, ) thought Angst, recognising it when someone found the 
loophole it his attempts to despond them into helplessness. Then Dr. 
Stomper caught him with a haymaker punch that put the Brotherhood 
member out for the count.
     "WHAT HAVE YOU DONE!?" demanded the Infra-Humanite as he leapt 
upon the Legionnaire in savage retaliation. You see, what Dr. Stomper 
had failed to anticipate that the Infra-Humanite's tragic addiction to 
ooowwwww meant that the ragged idiot in a monkey suit had *liked* the 
feelings of ennui created by Angst.

X-Intruder versus Limp-Asparagus Lad versus Thread Bear
     "Die, Legionnaire!" screamed Thread Bear as he threw a savage 
punch at Limp-Asparagus Lad.
     "Will you please stop doing that?" admonished L-ALad anticlim-
atically after he had absorbed the force of the Unionist's blow.
     "Raaarrrgh," bellowed Thread Bear as he lunged forward to grab 
the Man of Dull in his Barely Bareable Bear Hug. L-ALad, seeing that 
he was getting nowhere, grabbed TB's forearms as the latter rushed 
forward, dropped down onto his back with his feet in the air and 
rolled backwards. Thread Bear was dragged down and onto L-ALad's feet, 
then catapulted forward by his own momentum and into X-Intruder.
     "You shouldn't've done that, bub," said X-Intruder, who unlike 
Thread Bare had at least been able to roll with the impact and retain 
consciousness. He picked himself up and took a last puff of his cigar 
before dropping the stogie onto the floor and grinding it out with 
one boot.
     "I suggest you surrender now," said L-ALad.
     "Forget it. I'm the best at what I do. And what I do ain't 
pretty." He gave L-ALad a hard look, then said, "Alter."
     And with that X-Intruder let Limp-Asparagus Lad have it with his 
newly upgraded powers to make people think that they were trapped in a 
horrible dystopian alt.ernate reality where everybody's name had been 
kewlified.
     "I am Bloodthyrst!" announced Bloodthyrst, nee Limp-Asparagus 
Lad, to himself. "One of the last of the Legion of Net.Heroes to 
survive the anti-hero purges. I must avenge my comrades, and soon. For 
even as a I speak I am dying of Wolverine's Disease, the dreaded 
disease that turns perfectly normal comic book mutants into psychotic 
killer vigilante loners who talk to themselves in voiceovers."
     .oO( That's a good start, ) thought X-Intruder to himself as he 
lit up another cigar.
     "I must teach my enemies the meaning of pain. I must make the 
streets run red with the... No!" Bloodthyrst clenched his fists to his 
forehead in pain. "Must resist... Must resist the psychotic tendencies 
created by the Disease... This need to kill... It is not me... Must 
retain grip on who I am..."
     .oO( Whoa. This boy's good, ) observed X-Intruder. ( Mid-career 
Claremontian angst. If he keeps this up, he'll totally incapacitate 
himself with self-doubt, and I won't even have to bother with putting 
his lights out. )
     "Must remember my Silver Age moral ethos... Must remember who I 
am. I am not a killer... I..."
     Bloodthyrst drew a deep breath and gripped his fists into tight 
balls. His face was a masque of anguish, and then his eyes snapped 
open. They looked totally calm.
     "I am not Bloodthyrst," he monotoned. Then he turned his head and 
looked at X-Intruder, who thought .oO( Blasted new powers. I guess I 
need more practice. )
     "That was a rather silly mistake, X-Intruder," L-ALad observed 
conversationally as he stepped forward. "Next time, don't try to put 
me into a mindset where I instinctively use my drama dampening field. 
It not only overcame the hysterical need to kill of the illusionary 
Wolverine's Disease, it also overcame the innate melodrama of your 
illusionary dystopia. Now, are you sure you don't want to surrender?"
     X-Intruder blinked and took an involuntary step backwards. There 
was something disconcerting about the Man of Dull's inhuman calm, 
almost intimidating. Then he angrily bit down on his cigar and growled. 
"I don't think so."

Romantic-Innuendo versus Fuzzy versus Dr. F
     "Right then," announced Dr. F with a dash of bravado. "Which one 
of you wants to be first?"
     "Are you out of your mind?" snarked Fuzzy.
     Dr. F aimed his attack at her, but missed due to Fuzzy's powers of 
ambiguity. Then she grabbed him by the lapels and shook him till his 
teeth rattled.
     "I'm a founding member of the LNH! I've helped save the world more 
times than you've had hot breakfasts! Then I get sidelined, abused, 
and ignored for newbies! Then when I *do* get to fight net.villains 
it's tenth-rate had-beens like *you*! And you expect me to take you 
seriously!?" She knocked him unconscious by the simple expedience of 
cracking her forehead against his with the viciousness that would have 
done a bovver boy proud. "Moron!"
     Which is when Romantic-Innuendo clocked the LNHer over the back of 
the head.
     " oogie "  went Fuzzy and collapsed unconscious herself.
     Romantic-Innuendo looked down at the fallen Legionnaire with 
ambivalence. She would have preferred to use her powers against Fuzzy, 
but the LNHer had been acting like such a testosterone-deranged 
fruitloop that RI had resorted to crude physical violence. The 
Malefic Matchmaker pouted and said, "You shouldn't get so worked up 
that you loose track of your opponents." Then she sighed, looked 
around, and muttered to herself, "Geez, and I thought it was we 
net.villains who were supposed to be all bitter and twisted. Oh well." 
Then she cracked her knuckles and got back to the important business 
of screwing people up with her ill-conceived romantic pairings. "Right 
then, let's see how well the Union fares when its members are falling 
for the net.heroes they're supposed to be fighting. Let's see... Hey! 
Senseless Lass!"
     Senseless Lass looked over to Romantic-Innuendo from where she had 
been dampening Frothing-At-The-Mouth Lad into helplessness. He had been 
resisting - so much so that Senseless Lass hadn't particularly noticed 
that Professor Perhap had used his own powers to make her sensory 
deprivation wear off quickly, then sneak away so as to prepare a 
counterattack. "What?" Senseless Lass demanded.
     "That guy over there in green. Isn't he cute?" said RI, pointing at 
Limp-Asparagus Lad (who had just captured X-Intruder by the simple 
expedient of explaining in monotonous detail about the dichotomy between 
using anti-mutant hatred as a metaphor for adolescent angst and using 
anti-mutant hatred as a metaphor for homophobia, causing X-Intruder to 
go foetal).
     "What, him? What are you talking about...?" And then Romantic-
Innuendo's power kicked in. "Yeah, he is, kind of."
     "Why don't you go over and say hello?" suggested the Mistress of 
Implausible Tabloid Match-ups.
     A speculative but hopeful look passed across Senseless Lass's face, 
and she did just that. Romantic-Innuendo looked pleased. Professor 
Perhap was simply relieved that his suggestion that 'perhaps Senseless 
Lass would become distracted and allow the Brotherhood to regroup' had 
come into effect.

Captain Coredump versus Irony Man versus Udder Doom II
     "Forget it, Coredump" said Irony Man as he cycled up his repulsor 
beams. "My armour's systems have multiple redundancies built into them 
with just you in mind. There's no way that you can crash my systems 
fast enough to keep me from bringing you in."
     "We'll see about that, Legionnaire," snarled Captain Coredump as 
he concentrated his powers on his opponent's technology and began 
whittling away at it.
     Then Udder Doom announced, "Whatever can go wrong, will go wrong." 
and against all reason every single system and backup system in Irony 
Man's armour went offline at once.
     "That's... impossible..." gasped Irony Man.
     Meanwhile, Captain Coredump screamed briefly as an improbable 
feedback loop of his own power caused his mind to crash. Like Irony 
Man he hit the ground hard and wouldn't be getting up again for quite 
some time.
     Udder Doom turned her attention to the other combatants. She noted 
the various unconscious forms, some of them being her team mates, plus 
the fact that the Infra-Humanite's frenzied attacks against Dr. Stomper 
were loosing their effectiveness now that the Legionnaire was no longer 
disabled by surprise. What particularly caught her attention though was 
the way that Senseless Lass was fraternising with Limp-Asparagus Lad.
     Huh. Senseless by name, senseless by nature. And they used cows as 
a synonym for stupidity (though not as often as they used sheep, she had 
to admit). It only took Udder Doom a second or so of observation to 
realise that the pair of them were being manipulated by Romantic-
Innuendo, but given Senseless Lass's powers she should be able to block 
out an influence like that. It was carelessness, pure and simple.
     Udder Doom once again reached out with her powers - the powers to 
twist reality, to boost abilities to beyond the point where they were 
safe or reduce them to the point of uselessness, to strip away a 
net.ahuman's invulnerabilities to their own powers, to grant bad luck, 
to invert, divert, corrupt and generally make things go *wrong*
     Quite suddenly the infatuation that Senseless Lass had felt for 
Limp-Asparagus Lad vanished, to be replaced with a profound loathing. 
She struck him hard across the face, and only his abilities to absorb 
blows prevented him from being downed by the hatred behind that punch. 
"You... you!" Senseless Lass spat, so utterly overcome that she was 
incoherent.
     Repulsed by the thought that she could ever have found him 
attractive, Senseless Lass lashed out with her power in a way that 
would keep him from ever feeling attraction to anyone ever again. She 
attacked his libido. Normally this would have simply caused it to shut 
down, but now she actually *removed* it.
     It took the form of a pink ball. Limp-Asparagus Lad cringed 
backwards in pain as part of him (albeit a metaphysical part) was 
forcibly removed without anaesthetic.
     "Hold it, sister," said Frothing-At-The-Mouth Lad, who had finally 
managed to overcome her induced lethargy and stepped forward.
     Senseless Lass struck FATMLad with a wild punch. In the process she 
lost her grip on the pink ball that she had been holding, and it went 
flying across the room, then it hit the floor and rolled down a drain 
into the sewers beneath the city.

Mister Homage versus Cheesecake-Eater Lad versus The Worm
     "So, we meet at last, Worm," declared Mister Homage as he stalked 
forward and then paused dramatically in a Kirby-esque pose. One hand 
was outstretched before him, while the other gripped the edge of his 
cape in a melodramatic manner. His armour was buffed into a menacing 
sheen.
     The Worm seemed to deign to make no reply. The fearsomely be-
reputationed invertebrate was in its travel module - a floating sphere 
slightly smaller than a soccer ball. The top third was a transparent 
dome through which could be seen The Worm wiggling about in a layer of 
dirt. The lower section of the module was metallic, and inset with many 
panels that hinted at the arsenal of weapons hidden within.
     Mister Homage glowered at The Worm. The Worm persisted in its 
indifference towards the armour wearing rip-off merchant. Mister Homage 
gritted his teeth in frustration as he realised that he was loosing 
this contest of wills. And The Worm, being nothing more than an 
ordinary earthworm carried around in a small antigrav battleship, was 
oblivious.
     "Die, then!" bellowed Mister Homage, jumping into an attack 
position with which he could blast The Worm with the Ravening Beams of 
Coruscating Energy(tm) built into his armour.
     "Hold it, Homage!" cried Cheesecake-Eater Lad, his own wrist-
mounted liquid cheesecake dispensers primed and at the ready. "Nobody 
dies! Stand down and surrender!"
     "Bah!" snarled Mister Homage (thus demonstrating that he belonged 
to one of Ambush Bug's three classes of Supervillains Who Say 'Bah!': 
nihilists, semi-nihilists, and sheep.) His death rays spat out beams 
of crimson destruction to reduce C-ELad to crispy cheesecake! But 
these were met and easily countered by C-ELad's death ray absorbing 
strawberry yogurt cheesecake.
     .oO( Egads! ) thought Mister Homage as he took stock of the 
situation.  ( What a Machiavellian fiend The Worm must be! He easily 
manoeuvred me into conflict with this Legionnaire, and now he's 
obviously planning to wait until we exhaust each other before stepping 
in and destroying us utterly! )
     Meanwhile, The Worm continued to graze on dirt.
     Mister Homage began to work his way into a position from where he 
could attach both of his opponents at once, and then increased his 
barrage. And this caused the automated defence systems on The Worm's 
travel module to launch a salvo of missiles.
     Half page splash panel: The silhouettes of Mister Homage and 
Cheesecake-Eater Lad being swept away by the chrysanthemum of 
explosions and flame from The Worm's missiles. It looks like a scene 
from an anime, except there aren't any psychotic 'manga red-heads' about 
to have launched all the ordinance.
     Cheesecake-Eater Lad was able to save himself from a hard landing 
and concussion by quick-dumping a spayed mat of cheesecake foam. Mister 
Homage simply let his armour take the brunt for him (which is, after 
all, what armour is for).
     The leader of the Brotherhood of Net.Villains scanned the battle-
field, and didn't like what he saw. More than half of his troops were 
down, the Legion was closing in on them, and The Worm seemed as fresh 
and lethal as ever. This direct assault seemed to have taken a turn for 
the worst. "Retreat!" he ordered.
     "What?" said Romantic-Innuendo, who had not been paying full 
attention because of her efforts to bring her victims back under her 
matchmaking control.
     "You heard me! Retreat!" yelled Mister Homage, remotely activating 
the plot devices in the costumes of the other BoNV members and causing 
them all to teleport away, leaving the field of battle to the Union and 
the Legion.

{end flashback}

     "Then," concluded Limp-Asparagus Lad, "once the Brotherhood of 
Net.Villains was no longer present to hinder the Legion we were able 
to arrest the members of the Union of the Useless with moderate 
ease - although The Worm escaped in the confusion."
     [Writer's note: Bullpaddies! Random environmental stimuli caused 
the travel module to wander off somewhere.]
     "And you've been missing your libido ever since?"
     "Yes."
     "You realise that that's a plot point just waiting to happen, 
don't you?"
     "Yes."
     And that you're being really annoyingly blase about the whole 
issue?"
     "Yes."
     "Thought so. Well, come on. The house is over this way just a 
little bit."
     After a few minutes, they came to a sprawling white building with 
lots of verandahs and overhanging awnings and large windows.  .oO( A 
design for a warm climate, ) L-ALad realised as they approached.
     Once inside, Luke briefly walked into the kitchen to return the 
drink bottle. While he waited, Limp-Asparagus Lad looked around and his 
gaze happened upon a photograph of an eclectic looking group of people. 
"Is this your team?" he asked as Luke returned.
     Luke smiled wryly. "The Space Cadets was never what you'd call a 
superhero team, the name was more of a joke reference to our love of 
sci fi and stuff than anything else. But, yeah, that's a shot of us 
all, at the height of our group," said Luke. "There's a few hangers on 
in the picture though. Not everybody here could be called a 'core 
member' of the Cadets, in the sense that a lot of them went home and 
went on with the lives, and we never saw them again. Or never saw them 
outside of emergencies and other unplanned teamups - you know, the 
usual sort of thing, artfully contrived emergencies on the part of the 
Writer, and all that."
     Limp-Asparagus Lad examined the picture. There were more than a 
dozen people in it, most of them human in appearance with two exceptions 
who might have been Klingons where it not for the fact that one of them 
was wearing blue jeans and a flannel shirt. Several of the others were 
dressed in what were obviously superhero costumes, some of which he 
recognised (but which won't be described to here because I don't 
particularly want Wheezie Alt.Comics.LNH popping up to yell at me for 
breaking copyright on R.A.C.C.) Others wore 20th century street 
clothes, and some wore clothes that were either attire for alien 
cultures or uniforms for some organisation or other.
     The person who drew L-ALad's attention, however, was the young man 
who bore a striking resemblance to Retcon Lad. He was in his late 
teens, of Chinese extraction, and had short-cropped hair that was a 
truly shocking fluorescent vermilion colour. For all of the latter two 
superficial differences, the resemblance was remarkable. "Who is this?" 
he asked Luke, indicating the doppelganger.
     Luke glanced at the picture, then said. "That's Freakout - Andrew 
Hark. He and Dickenson, that's the Klingon looking guy, came from the 
same Earth, but Freakout was from Winnipeg in Canada, while Dickenson 
was from New York."
     "He looks very much like Retcon Lad, actually," L-ALad observed.
     "Yeah. That's because they're dimensional counterparts of one 
another. Not exact ones -  they don't have the same names, or 
histories, or stuff like that - but conceptual ones. As fictional 
characters they started out rather different from one another, but in 
the last few years our Writer's realised that he used the same concept 
of personality to develop Retcon Lad as he used to create Freakout. 
They're both extroverts, both have quite empathic personalities, 
they're both reality manipulators of a high order. That sort of thing."
     "I see," commented L-ALad. He wasn't quite sure what to make of 
this, so he filed it away for possible future reference.
     "Well, if you're ready, we should get going," said Luke. He made a 
negligent gesture with his hand, causing a hole in space appeared 
before them.

     Fourth Wall Lass was just finishing up making a statement to the 
police when a portal appeared and Limp-Asparagus Lad stepped out, 
followed by a boy in early adolescence. She raised an eyebrow. "Back 
just in time to avoid all the hard work, I see." Then she blanched as 
Limp-Asparagus Lad looked at her with mild surprise. "Yerg. Sorry, that 
came out all wrong."
     "One suspects that you have been concerned about me," L-ALad 
monotoned, "and worry is making you short tempered."
     Fourth Wall Lass crossed her arms and smiled sarcastically, 
"Absolutely correct. But what's making me even more short tempered is 
being psychoanalysed by the source of my irritation."
     "That is understandable," L-ALad agreed, unperturbed.
     She gave up. "Did you have any trouble from Dinnerplate?" she 
asked instead.
     "I have not seen him," he explained, and then outlined his recent 
activities, including Luke's assertion that Dinnerplate had been knocked 
into the Antimatter Universe. Then, "How are Retcon Lad and Mr. Durandal?"
     "They're tired, but fine," she said, cocking a thumb in the 
direction of an ambulance stretcher. A black haired man with a youthful 
face was lying unconscious on it; this, then, was probably Dinner-
plate's surviving long-term victim. Limp-Asparagus Lad judged him to be 
no older than his late teens - although he recalled that Dinnerplate 
had claimed he was in his twenties. He certainly looked quite different 
from when he was large and green and scaly.
     "Retcon Lad's gone in for observation," FWLass added, "but Abb..." 
then she corrected herself, since Limp-Asparagus Lad had seen fit to 
tell her Zachary's full name during his potted summary of events, 
"Zachary's probably going to be in for longer."
     "Very well," said L-ALad. "I have an errand to run. You may as 
well go home and get some rest."
     She yawned and stretched. "That would be a good idea. Knowing my 
luck though, I'd probably end up wandering into a chaotic add-on 
cascade storyline."

Next: Limp-Asparagus Lad travels to the (fictitious in our world) 
newsgroup rec.arts.movies.b-movies for a Mystery Science Theatre 3000 
pastiche. Hopefully with special guest hecklers.

Meanwhile: Fourth Wall Lass wanders into a chaotic add-on cascade 
storyline. Straight into Birth Of A Villain #24, in fact, where she 
gets attacked by Vectors. (But you already know this, 'cause it was 
posted ages ago. In fact, at the time of this posting the entire 
cascade has been wound up.)

---------------------------------------------------------------------
Character Credits:
     [Anal-Retentive Archive Kid wanders onto screen (again) with a 
sheath of papers and begins to read: ]
     Limp-Asparagus Lad owned by Saxon Brenton. Created by Mystic 
Mongoose (Robert Armstrong) and wReam (Ray Bingham (chaos and entropy 
incarnate)).
     Adrian 'Luke' Pastach , the Space Cadets, Fourth Wall Lass, and 
Zachary 'Abbadon' Durandal created by Saxon Brenton.
     Cheesecake-Eater Lad, Dr. Somper, and Irony Man are Public Domain.
     Fuzzy created by Connie Hirsch, and can probably be considered 
Public Domain.
     Frothing-At-The-Mouth Lad created by Elmo (Greg Morrow) and was 
considered Public Domain by him when I pestered him by email for my 
previous use of FATMLad.

     Brotherhood of Net.Villains, Angst, and Mister Homage created by 
Drizzt (Jeff Barnes).
     Captain Coredump is Public Domain.
     Dr. F created by Arthur Spitzer. First mentioned in _Saviours Of 
The Net_ #6.
     The Infra-Humanite created by Dvandom (Dave Van Domelen). First 
appearance in _Dvandom Force_ #37.
     Professor Perhap created by Mike Friedman.
     The Red Head created by Martin Phipps. First and only appearance 
as The Red Head in _Systems Corruptors_ #5.
     Thread Bare is probably Public Domain. Creator unknown, dredged 
up by Drizzt from one of the old rosters for use in _Continuity 
Champ_ #19.
     The Worm created by Badger (Matt Rossi). CAW has only been seen 
to shoot up The Worm onscreen during his limited series. I don't think 
it/they have made any other appearance outside of the old character 
roster.
     Udder Doom I created by wReam. Appearances uncertain. Mentioned 
in the annotated _Kinda Big Darkness Saga_. Udder Doom II created by 
Saxon Brenton.

     All characters copyright 2001 to their owners or creators.
---------------------------------------------------------------------
Add Notes:
     The order of posting of the various Brotherhood appearances is 
slightly at odds with the order given in the story above, but given the 
nature of the stories I figured that the Underwear Unleashed story with 
Never-won fitted better into continuity if it occurred before the 
System Corruptors with Lagneto. (Of course, perhaps it was intended to 
be that way in the first place, in which case I'm just worrying over 
nothing...)
     Dr. F hasn't appeared before, but was mentioned by Dr. Stomper in 
_Saviours Of The Net_ as being his worst ever student, who took the name 
Dr. F after Dr. Stomper failed him, and who has attacked Dr. Stomper 
annually ever since. The only other point of interest from the fight 
scene is that this takes place around the time of (or just before) the 
early episodes of _Misfits_ (posted in 1995) and thus corresponds to 
the very worst period of Fuzzy's anti-newbie bigotry.
     With regards to the Limp-Asparagus Lad as one of the clones of 
Sig.Lad angle, yes, I did ask Dvandom if I could do this. It's just 
that I asked him several years ago, and he's probably forgotten about 
it by now. Considering that there are several things that I've asked 
Dvandom permission for with regards to his characters over the years, 
but that I haven't gotten around to doing yet, I wouldn't blame him if 
he thought I was all talk and no action. In any case, this particular 
part of Limp-Asparagus Lad's origin is only a footnote in his history, 
since it has long since been buried beneath retcons that introduced a 
more complete personal history. I include it here mainly because of my 
obsession for playing with continuity, something that the origins of 
Limp-Asparagus Lad's girlfriend Mary-Ann as The Red Head should 
confirm. Oh, and speaking of whom...

---------------------------------------------------------------------
Character and Group Roster Entries:

SENSES LASS (Mary-Ann Happenstance)
   TYPE: NWC
   CREATED BY (as The Red Head): Martin Phipps
   CREATED/RESERVED BY (as Senses Lass): Saxon Brenton
   FIRST APPEARANCE (as The Red Head): _ System Corruptors_ #5
   FIRST APPEARANCE (as Senses Lass): Oh gross, this is gonna get messy.
   There have been some references to her, and she's tuned up at the 
   RACCCafe and in the out-of-continuity _LNH Carols By Candlelight_, but 
   her first chronological continuity appearance (and Origin) was _Limp-
   Asparagus Lad_ #44. She was first mentioned by name in _Limp-Asparagus 
   Lad_ #12, and by the code name of Senses Lass in _Limp-Asparagus Lad_ 
   #41.
   ORIGIN: _Limp-Asparagus Lad_ #44.
   POWERS: Various sensory powers of her own, and able to block or 
   alter the senses of others.
   FORMER ALIASES: The Red Head, Senseless Lass
   ADD NOTES: Created by Professor Perhap as part of a scheme to destroy 
   the LNH, she was placed in stasis and left on the bottom of the ocean 
   until awoken by Dr. F for his Union of the Useless. A convoluted fight 
   between the Union, the LNH and the Brotherhood of Net.Villains saw her 
   fall in love, then in hate, then eventually back in love with Limp-
   Asparagus Lad.

UNION OF THE USELESS
   TYPE: NWC villain team          CREATED BY: Saxon Brenton
   ADD NOTES: A team of net.villains briefly formed by Dr. F in an attempt
   to gain the edge in one of Dr. F's annual attacks on Dr. Stomper.
   MEMBERS:
   Dr. F (leader) - created by Arthur Spitzer
   Infra-Humanite - created by Dvandom (Dave Van Domelen)
   Senseless Lass (later Senses Lass) - created by Saxon Brenton
   Thread Bare - creator unknown
   Udder Doom II - created by Saxon Brenton, based on a idea by wReam
   The Worm - created by Badger (Matt Rossi)