Blue Light Productions presents

Limp-Asparagus Lad #4     Revelations
By Saxon Brenton
Editing by The Mystic Mongoose

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Cover: Scene is looking down the barrel of some fearsome-looking 
death-ray type machine, which is aimed at Limp-Asparagus Lad and 
Fourth Wall Lass. They are standing in a circle of lighted area, with the 
rest of the cover being black. Lying on the floor behind them, extending 
part way into the dark, is the prone form of a non-costumed man.
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  "Hi. Kid Recap here. I've been asked over to tell you that this story 
picks up directly from the end of last issue, where Limp-Asparagus Lad 
and Fourth Wall Lass were gathering information about W.I.R.E.D. (We 
Intend Rule and Eternal Domination) for Ultimate Ninja, so that the latter 
could properly assemble a strike force to deal with the sinister, Hydra-
like, world-girding conspiracy. Limpy and FW Lass had been about to call 
it a night when they had learnt that part of W.I.R.E.D.'s plan to 
recapture Limpy to be used in their plans for domination over both world 
governments and other W.I.R.E.D. factions involved kidnapping Limpy's 
cousin Joe, the orders for which they have just observed being given. 
Since using Fourth Wall Lass' powers means they are watching past events, 
they are naturally greatly afraid that Joe has already been captured back 
in their subjective present."

  "Come on," said Fourth Wall Lass as she began to move off through the 
forest of panels that floated on the other side of the fourth wall.
  "What do you plan to do?" asked Limp-Asparagus Lad.
  "We return to the present, collect Joe, get him out of harms way, then 
report to Ultimate Ninja."
  "Can't we save time by going in now, when they first kidnap him? Or 
better yet, before they kill Bob?" [Bob Melwizcht, the reformed 
Exclamation!Master! - SB]
  She stared at him incredulously. "Have you lost you mind?! You know I 
can't do that without the power of some type of plot device to avoid a 
time paradox..." Then she stopped, as something occurred to her. She 
glanced over her shoulder at the readers. "But they don't."
  Limp-Asparagus Lad nodded.
  Fourth Wall Lass massaged the bridge of her nose, sighed, then said to 
the writer, "Look, do we have time for that sort of exposition? And I 
don't mean for pacing, either."
  So who expects proper pacing from a newbie? It's nice if it turns up, 
but the readers aren't going to curl up and die if it doesn't. Anyway, I 
think you'll have to make time. Otherwise your actions really aren't 
going to make much sense. If you keep it short, I think I can string out 
the pacing of the villains' actions, so it shouldn't make much difference 
in the end.
  "I'll hold you to that," she warned. Then she made a face and swore, 
then tried to compose her thoughts to try and make the explanation as 
quick as possible. "Okay, c'mon Limpy. I'll exposit for the readers as we 
go."
  The two of them started moving back up the storyline towards their 
subjective present, passing the panels that gave onto past events.
  "It's like this," she began, explaining to her partner rather than the 
audience itself from force of habit. "There's nothing inherently wrong 
with time travel stories. They're just stories after all, and telling 
stories is what we're here for. But they do have some peculiarities that 
require them to be handled carefully.
  "Now, the most obvious problem is changing history. That's not a problem 
in a single author continuity, or a multi author one with tight co-plotting. 
But in a multi-author continuity like the Looniverse, where there's enough 
problems with trying to keep history straight under normal circumstances, 
it's not a good idea to go pulling the rug out from under people. Normally 
you can get around that problem by either diverging an alt.ernate timeline, 
or changing history back to 'normal' at the end of the story. But even so, 
there are certain comic book conventions, not just for here but for other 
shared universes as well, that have been engrained into the very laws of 
nature, that basically dictate that mucking about with time will be a Big 
Deal. It can be done, but you need a plot device of some type, okay?
  "The next problem with time travel is the risk of using it as a deus ex 
machina. Now, if that's the sort of story an author wants to write, then 
fine. But if it's used too often, or is used in place of other means of 
resolving a story's plot, and it makes it too easy, then it _really_ 
screws dramatic tension, y'know?" She paused, and for the first time 
actually addressed the readers rather than acting as though the monologue 
was for the benefit of L-A Lad alone. "If you've been hanging around this 
newsgroup for any length of time, then you should've read the LNH FAQ by 
now. And like it says there, we're not here to be omnipotent munchkin 
power fantasies who can do anything at the drop of a hat. We're here to do 
stories and _entertain_ you. And that requires a bit of suspense. Which 
means we're constantly putting our butts on the line to do things the hard 
way so you lot don't get bored.
  "Right," she said, and started moving on again. "That's basically the 
rational for why my powers work this way. I _can't_ change the past. I 
can't even enter the past, or the future for that matter. At least, not 
without a pretty powerful plot device to enable the change. It can be done, 
but I can't do that myself, and if I do do it, there needs to be a good 
plot reason." She turned to L-A Lad. "Is there anything I've missed?"
  "You might want to explain about how time passes at the same rate for 
the people on this side of the fourth wall as it does on the other," he 
observed.
  "Oh yeah. Although I can jump about, forwards and backwards in time, 
and cut across between two panels that are far apart so that it looks like 
I've teleported, that's all really just taking shortcuts across compressed 
space. Kinda like hyperspace. But time spent on this side of the 
threshold passes at the same rate it does back in the Looniverse. 
Basically, it means that since we left our subjective present at around 
three o'clock this afternoon, and spent eight hours or so, when we get 
back to what is our subjective present again, it'll be 11 pm rather than 
still at 3. That's for dramatic reasons again; it really makes things tense 
during chase scenes or races against the clock. Ah, here we are."
  The two of them stood outside the panels that showed the outside of the 
cell that Joe was being held in.
  "You readers probably didn't notice while you were paying attention to 
Fourth Wall Lass' explanation, so I'll tell you how we arrived here," said 
Limp-Asparagus Lad. "Normally we might have simply found the point where 
the W.I.R.E.D. operatives would return to their base, and run forward to 
the point when they did so. But we couldn't be sure that they would be 
returning there."
  "Though in this case they did," put in FW Lass.
  Limp-Asparagus Lad nodded. "So instead we went to the place where we 
last saw Joe..."
  "Which is when he left me after taking in a movie earlier today."
  "...and followed him forward along his plot thread until he was captured. 
Then we followed them all back here to the cell he's being held in, and 
finally we ran forward in time to our subjective present."
  "And _now_ we can rescue him."
  "Remember, a quick snatch and grab. Ultimate Ninja wants no fights until 
he's ready to deal with them out thoroughly."
  They crossed the threshold into the cell, where they found Joe sitting in 
the corner, staring wide-eyed at nothing.
  "Joe?" asked FW Lass. "Hey! We're here to rescue you. Joe?"
  Limp-Asparagus Lad approached, and was a little surprised to see, in 
the half light, that the figure before him was younger than his cousin 
was. But other than that it was still the spitting image of him. Suspecting 
a trap, he waved Fourth Wall Lass closer so that they could retreat in a 
hurry. "Joe?" he asked.
  The youth finally seemed to acknowledge their presence as his eyes 
swivelled to L-A Lad. "Josh," he sobbed.
  "Joe," L-A Lad said, giving the boy the benefit of the doubt, "what 
have they done to you?"
  "Josh It's terrible I remember everything It's all my fault The others 
are screwed up And you too I put the memories of Shiva in his head And 
forced the baby into the future to save him from the villains and come back 
before he was born with his clone You're not even really my cousin..." He 
collapsed sobbing in L-A Lad's arms, continuing to babble and mutter about 
cosmic redhead clones and magically corrupted time travelling mutants and 
body swapping with telepathic butterflies and other things, none of which 
seemed to make the slightest bit of sense to the others.
  "Let's get him out of here before we check to see what they have done to 
him," L-A Lad decided.
  "Okay. Here, let's get him up. Now... uh oh."
  "What's wrong?"
  "I'm being blocked. I can't cross the threshold."
  "How is that possible?"
  "There are certain technological and magical ways. I've, uhm, come 
across a few before. And then there's always plot devices, of course. I 
smell a trap."
  "Yes," L-A Lad agreed, gently setting Joe back down and examining the 
door. He found it unlocked. 
  "Definitely a trap," observed FW Lass. "Looks like we're going to get 
yelled at by UN."
  Limp-Asparagus Lad glanced at Joe, assessing whether he was likely to 
be a hindrance if they tried to take him with them. "Joe," he asked, "are 
you capable of walking by yourself? Quietly?"
  Joe looked at him, took a deep breath, and said miserably, "I think so."
  "Then please come with us."
  The three of them left the cell, and made their way out through the 
building with the general knowledge they had collected from the earlier 
reconnaissance. Suspiciously, they met no opposition. Until they got to 
one particularly large, amphitheatre-like room, that is. As they crossed 
the darkened area, lights came on, clearly indicative of a carefully laid 
trap. Armed thugs stepped forward, while backlit shapes of a group of 
individuals stayed unidentifiable.
  "So, Limp-Asparagus Lad, we meet again," boomed the voice of 
Renwit. "How kind of you to drop in. We have been waiting for you." One of 
the silhouettes walked forward into the light, resolving into the form of 
the W.I.R.E.D. leader.
  .o(Yep. Definitely going to be yelled at by UN) thought Fourth Wall Lass.
  "Now, to save us all time, I'll exposit W.I.R.E.D.'s fiendish plan. We, 
of course, want to regain the use of your powers to bring the world to 
its knees. This, of course, will require you being seduced back into 
darkness, both so that you are under our control and so that your powers 
increase in potency. We could have simply gone through another few months 
of brainwashing to turn you back into Dark Limp-Asparagus Lad, but thanks 
to some recent aid we procured we have gained the expertise to create... 
this!" The lighting at one end of the room increased to reveal a huge 
contraption, looking something like a cross between a mobile but bulky TV 
studio camera and an anti-tank gun that had then been covered in bizarre, 
almost Kirbian technology. It was pointing at the three of them.
  "This is... the Reversion Ray Projector! Anyone who has had a previous 
comic book incarnation will immediately be regressed back into that 
persona when subjected to its power. You have already seen its effects 
on your cousin," he said gesturing at the miserable looking Joe. "With it 
we intend to immediately regain the services of Dark Limp-Asparagus Lad, 
and set you to work at once. Bwhahahahaha!"
  "How did you know he even had a previous incarnation? We certainly 
didn't," demanded FW Lass. She threw a look at L-A Lad, who nodded in 
agreement.
  "Our source of information is the same that aided us with the Projector, 
and incidentally, the technology that blocks you from crossing the fourth 
wall. Among other things," said Renwit. "They are... very talented. Now, 
you will submit to our will, hero, or your cousin will continue to suffer 
from it!" 
  "Foolish, DEFEATED hero!" exclaimed one of the other W.I.R.E.D. leaders.
  .o(Does _every_ faction of W.I.R.E.D. have members who do that?) 
wondered FW Lass.
  Limp-Asparagus Lad turned to take another glance at Joe, then at the 
Reversion Ray. His face was impassive, as usual, and his thoughts could 
not be determined. "Very well, use your ray on me."
  Cackling fiendishly, the Projector operator aimed at L-A Lad. The Man 
With No Personality stood impassively, as the hideous machine revved 
up, crackling with energy and making other mad scientist type gizmo 
special effects noises and lights.
  Fourth Wall Lass gasped in horror at L-A Lad's decision, and at the 
last moment threw herself before the evil ray.
  "Fool!" screamed Renwit. "Your sacrifice is worthless! You cannot save 
your companion. You cannot even achieve an angst-filled final appearance, 
dying from the energies of the Ray, for it has no effect upon people who 
have not had a previous incarnation."
  But belying those claims, the ray did seem to be having an effect on her.
  Fourth Wall Lass's form began to change. She grew in stature, gaining 
both height and bulk as massive muscles coalesced as if from nothing. (Well, 
they weren't that massive. We're taking solid, impressive build rather 
than grotesquely Liefeld-esque here, okay?) No longer was she wearing her 
red, brown and grey costume. A navy, black, white, and azure bodysuit took 
its place, topped with a cape of navy and azure trim. And, L-A Lad noticed, 
she was now most definitely male.
  "No! Not you!" exclaimed one of the W.I.R.E.D. members.
  "Yes, it is I! Kid Not Appearing In Any Retcon Hour Story!" 
proclaimed the hero in a dramatic Kirby-style pose on a full page spread.
  "Destroy him!" screamed Renwit.
  Thug-like W.I.R.E.D. operatives began shooting frantically at KNAIARHS, 
to no effect; both the bullets from their machine guns and the energy rays 
from their absurd BigGuns(tm) simply bounced off. Kid ignored them, 
turning his attention instead to the operator of the Reversion Ray, as the 
villain prepared to blast Kid again and transform him back into the less 
powerful Fourth Wall Lass. Kid glanced at the machine with an irritated 
expression, and bolts of blinding force pounded from his eyes, reducing 
the Projector to scrap in an impressive pyrotechnic explosion.
  Some of the operatives began to run. To those that didn't KNAIARHS 
raised a clenched fist, sending out a blast of concussive force which 
dispatched them into unconsciousness.
  "You are beaten, W.I.R.E.D." he proclaimed, "Surrender now."
  "No! We will not accept defeat!"
  < You Will. > came a booming voice from both nowhere and everywhere 
around them. KNAIARHS frowned at this interruption; how was he supposed to 
righteously pummel the villains when new menaces kept appearing to 
distract him from finishing his task? The members of W.I.R.E.D. (or their 
silhouettes for those still hidden in shadow) suddenly looked less 
arrogant, almost fearful. Limp-Asparagus Lad was as impassive as ever.
  "No! Wait!" exclaimed Renwit, his voice taking on a desperate tone. 
"We can still beat them. We can still use the heightened drama dampening 
field of Dark Limp-Asparagus Lad to stun the world into apathy and conquer 
it! We can still fulfil our contract!"
  < No. You Have Failed. You Have Not Lived Up To Terms Of Your 
Agreement. >
  The hierarchy was consumed in a eerie glow of yellow light, and vanished, 
screaming.
  "Who are you, to judge both heroes and villains, and adjudicate the 
affairs of worlds?" demanded KNAIARHS.
  < I Am The A.A.A. >
  Kid puzzled. "The Argentinean Automobile Association?"
  < No. The Authority On Absurd Acronyms. Seek Not To Dispute My 
Jurisdiction Kid Not Appearing In Any Retcon Hour Story, For Although You 
Possess Cosmic Might In Excess Of The Pre-Crisis Superman, You Have Not 
The Power To Stand Against Me. >
  "We shall see about that."
  The Authority did not reply. It had gone.
  KNAIARHS turned back to Limp-Asparagus Lad and the still shell-shocked 
looking Joe. "So, our foes are taken from us by a deus ex machina. A most 
dramatic one, true, but a deus ex machina nonetheless."
  "Yes," agreed L-A Lad. "But now we should arrange help for Joe. With the 
Reversion Ray destroyed, he will likely need treatment."
  "I think not," smiled Kid. Without looking he gestured towards the ruins 
of the ray, which promptly reconstructed itself. "We can restore young 
Retcon Lad, then destroy the machine afterwards."
  "Perhaps it would be best to leave it intact, and store it in the LNHQ 
trophy room. It might come in useful as a future plot device," suggested 
L-A Lad.
  KNAIARHS nodded. "There is wisdom in your words." Then they both stood 
back from Joe as Kid activated the ray, restoring the young man to his 
proper age and state of mind.
  "Arrgh," moaned Joe, clutching his head. "Ow, that was _not_ fun. Maybe 
I should think about becoming a net.hero, just so that I don't get used as 
the obligatory victim in future," he complained.
  "The ranks of the Legion will be the better for it, should you choose to 
do so," affirmed Kid, failing to see the sarcasm.
  "Yeah, right. Sure, Terri... uh... " Joe did a double take as he realised 
that, though technically the same person, he was not on terms quite as 
familiar with Kid Not Appearing In Any Retcon Hour Story as he was 
with Fourth Wall Lass. 
  "Terry will do fine when I am like this," Kid acknowledged.
  "Uhm, okay."
  "Now, Limp-Asparagus Lad," Kid said, "kindly tell me why you were so 
willing to return to slavery as the brainwashed thrall of W.I.R.E.D. 
Surely you knew that as Dark Limp-Asparagus Lad you would have eventually 
brought the world to heal for your villainous masters, endangering Retcon 
Lad again, even if those curs had restored him at all."
  .o(I wish he'd stop calling me Retcon Lad) fumed Joe.
  "There was no danger of that," L-A Lad replied simply. "My incarnation 
prior to my current one was not Dark Limp-Asparagus Lad. W.I.R.E.D could 
not have gained control over me, at least using that method."
  "I am not aware of you having had any intermediate incarnation," stated 
Kid.
  "It was a subtle change," L-A Lad explained. "The version of me that 
appeared in the exposition at the end of issue 3 of the Coma Kid and 
Continuity Champ limited series was actually capable of saying 'Wow!'."
  Joe blinked in surprise. "You mean, with an exclamation mark and 
everything?" L-A Lad nodded. "You were a wild animal back then, Limpy," 
Joe told him.
  "I guess so." L-A Lad agreed.
  "But when did this change occur, and how?" queried Kid.
  "Objectively it probably happened when my new writer got his hands on 
me and started applying his vision of what I should be like. But in terms 
of Looniversal continuity it can most likely be back-dated to Retcon Hour."
  "But you weren't in Retcon Hour!" Joe protested.
  "No," L-A Lad corrected him. "Everybody was in Retcon Hour. Recton Hour 
Omega, at any rate. The Racc.tre transported everyone not otherwise 
occupied to wReamicus Maximus. Just because I wasn't mentioned doesn't mean 
I wasn't there."
  Joe mused on this. "Kind of like, say, Marvel's Contest of Champions? 
All the superheroes active at the time were there, which means that with 
the back-history he's been given Cable must've been there too."
  "Yes."
  "I am uneasy with all this talk of Retcon Hour," proclaimed KNAIARHS. 
"It reminds me of the time I was tricked into appearing in it, and 
collapsed most painfully of Retcon Hour story poisoning. May we not speak 
of something else?"
  "Okay then, while we're in exposition mode, how did you change from Kid 
Not Appearing In Any Retcon Hour Story to Fourth Wall Lass?" asked Joe.
  "It was a change I accepted when it was offered to me."
  Joe's mouth dropped open in astonishment at this, and even Limp-
Asparagus Lad almost looked surprised. "But, why? I mean, as Kid Not 
Appearing In Any Retcon Hour Story you're one of the most powerful 
characters in the Looniverse!"
  "At the end of Retcon Hour, after my collapse [LNH Comics Presents #21 
- SB], I was dispatched on a mission of great import," Kid explained. "In 
order to overcome the Retcon Hour story poisoning, thus allowing me to 
perform my task, and, incidentally, saving my life, I was transformed into 
another character.
  "But there was, and still is, another, more fundamental, meta-continuity 
related reason," continued KNAIARHS dramatically. "A reason that is known 
to almost all the inhabitants of the Looniverse who have ever played a bit 
part. It is the reason that Onomato-Puhweeha Person betrayed the Legion for 
the assistance of Lagneto, the reason Squid Boy was willing to risk death 
during the robot invasion, and the reason you cousin fell into the clutches 
of W.I.R.E.D. in the first place... " He paused for effect. "It was to 
become a regularly appearing character!"
  "Oh. Yeah, I see your point. No matter how powerful, no one would want 
to use a joke character like Kid Not Appearing In Any Retcon Hour Story 
too often."
  "That is so. Beyond the context of Looniversal continuity I was, for a 
lengthy period, unemployed. Thus, when I heard that auditions were being 
taken for parts in this limited series, I was willing to accept the offer 
to be revamped into Fourth Wall Lass, in the process becoming a less 
powerful but more interesting character, and," he paused, as if trying to 
think of a way to phrase what he had to say next, "in the process taking the 
role in the story of your love interest, Joe."
  "Uh, right." Joe boggled at the implications of this. "Well, uh. I 
suppose if Flood and Dot can work it out, we can too. But, like, will 
you be..."
  "I will be transforming myself back into my proper form as soon as we 
return the Reversion Ray to LNHQ for proper storage."
  "What does 'proper' mean?" probed L-A Lad.
  "The one best suited to the story being told, of course," Kid smirked. 
"In my case, the one that will get me appearances in a story."

To be continued next issue in: Who Is Retcon Lad?

Independents Roster Entry
NAME: A.A.A. (Authority on Absurd Acronyms)
  TYPE: NWC
  CREATED BY: u921953@student.canberra.edu.au (Saxon Brenton)
  POWERS: Good question
  ADD NOTES: What the A.A.A. is remains unclear; better understood is 
  what it does; in order to further its own mysterious ends it gives 
  benefits (power, technology, spells, knowledge, influence and/or 
  whatever else is appropriate) to groups and individuals who use 
  acronyms. Additionally, it can be bargained with for more at the cost 
  of some specific service. It has recently grown more strict in 
  enforcing its deadlines for the latter deals, supposedly the result 
  of a deal that was reneged on. To the outside observer its activities 
  may seem malign, benign, indifferent, or just plain weird.
  STATUS: Active
  ENEMIES: Acronym L.A.S.S.

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Credits:

Limp-Asparagus Lad by Saxon Brenton, created by The Mystic 
  Mongoose and wReam
A.A.A., Fourth Wall Lass, and Joe (Retcon Lad) by Saxon Brenton
Dot and Flood (Constellation) by Dave Van Domelen
Kid Not Appearing In Any Retcon Hour Story by Badger
Kid Recap by Josh Geurink
Lagneto by Jef, via Martin Phipps
Onomato-Puhweeha Person (now Vammo Woman) by wReam
Squid Boy (now Squidman) by David Goldfarb, via Dave Van Domelen
W.I.R.E.D. by The Mystic Mongoose

All characters (c) and (tm) their respective owners and/or creators