The plot in brief - a thousand years after Earth is conquered by the evil Psychlos, Our Hero, Johnny 'Goodboy' Tyler, is one of the few survivors of dwindling humanity, and is captured by the evil aliens, the leader of whom remarks on what a clever man-animal he is, and eventually gives him scads of knowledge for no clear reason. Gold is involved somehow. Later, Johnny gets some nukes and weapons and leads a rebellion, detonating the Psychlo homeworld in the process.
You'd think I would have learned before, but clearly I hadn't. My young, impressionable, foolhardy sister convinced me to take her to see this unutterably bad movie, because, hey, maybe it would be so bad it was funny. It's a testament to just how bad this movie was that it didn't even manage to achieve that - it failed even at being terrible. Because of just who was funding this monstrosity, I devised a cunning plan, whereby we would purchase tickets to the (much better) movie Gladiator so as to avoid supporting the delusions of the Scientologists. This done, we instead went to see Battlefield Earth, as I'd already seen Gladiator.
However, amusingly, after sitting through the previews, we found ourselves, instead of watching Battlefield Earth, watching... Gladiator? Yes, sure enough, the movie theatre had the same response as it did when I tried to go see Pokemon - it desperately attempted to show me another movie entirely. It took the audience only a few seconds to realize the mistake, but at least several minutes before anyone could work up the motivation to get up and go ask for the suckage we, by this point, richly deserved.
Well, granted, they took Gladiator off the reels, but it took quite a while, and some quick emotional counselling of the theatre minions, before they could bear to show us the horror of Battlefield Earth. As the little advertisement and cheesy joke slideshow cycled through for the third time that day, while the 'theatre radio network' played the latest mind-rendingly bad pop songs sung by cheesy, perky, possibly canadian recording artists, I realized that this was going to be a really, really bad moviegoing experience.
After ten minutes of the damn slides, we were getting really tired of the same jokes, and by now, the movie personnel realized that all of us in the theatre were too damn stubborn to just take the hint and leave, and they were going to have to show us the movie before we realized our error. They still gave us one last chance, showing us the damn previews again first, and making us realize that we were going to be sickened and horrified and disgusted to the point of vomiting at the mere mention of the 'Nutty Professor' sequel before it even hit the theatres. Watching the preview was bad enough, but having to watch it twice in the same half-hour was a whole, new definition of pain.
And then, the movie. Everything bad you've heard about it is absolutely right. I read all the reviews, but I still wasn't prepared for just how bad this movie was. It was like a checklist of all the things you could possibly do wrong in a movie, and they were just going down the list. Stupid over-acting? Check. Bad dialog punctuated to the point of inanity by a soundtrack which used the same set of dramatic chords as 'Baywatch', only more pretentious? Check. Action scenes with all the energy of an episode of 'My Little Pony' shot in glorious, humorless slow-motion, dragging them out for minutes on end as buckets of dirt are gleefully tossed around? Check. But at least one thing was true. Five minutes into the movie, I realized that Travolta was right. This movie has nothing to do with Church of Scientology brainwashing, and everything to do with deep, deep hurting.
First, our hero. Putting aside the fact that he kept ooking at random points like an ape with a painful wedgie; putting aside the fact that he was capable of being frightened by things that wouldn't frighten a four year old; putting aside the fact that at one point he tries to look like Conan the Barbarian as he ooks and holds aloft a fiendish weapon of old technology - the mini-golf club - he couldn't act his way out of a paper bag.
Secondly, our villains, the Psychlos, are giant lumbering incompetants who couldn't conquer a small south american banana republic, much less an entire planet; now, sure, they must have done it at some point, but it's notable that the movie doesn't actually show it to us, because, quite frankly, we'd all burst out laughing. Speaking of bursting out laughing, the Psychlos do. Often at random intervals, and for no immediately clear reason. It sounds about as hackneyed as Muttley snickering on cue for a low-budget animated series, and is about as dramatic. If you ever wanted evidence that the Church of Scientology rots the brains of anyone involved with it, the fact that John Travolta was convinced to take part in this movie is more than enough. The fact that he apparently believes he did a good job is just icing on the cake. These aliens are morons. They're not merely the standard idiots, they're not merely deluded, they are, in fact, plumbing new depths of stupidity. Aliens vulnerable to radiation who don't take pains to make bloody damn sure that all those pesky Terran nukes are destroyed? Uh hunh. Aliens who are advanced enough to mine out every little last bit of precious metal from Earth, but who are stupid enough not to go to Fort Knox and get the bloody great piles of gold just sitting around there? Okay. Aliens who, when they notice a member of one of their slave races has teleported to their homeworld with a bloody great nuclear bomb, point and laugh and give him ample time to look forlorn before he pushes the trigger and blows them all the smithereens? Suuure. Aliens who can, with a straight face, remark "Man-animals using tools? Hah!" and then, later on, comment on how "All of humanity's advanced knowledge was useless in their defense!" Uh HUH. Did anyone actually READ this script before they started filming?!
Now, granted. The original material the writers had to work with was clearly written to have all the same careful connection to reality as that held by the man on the corner who rants about how Janet Reno is really a tentacled alien from Planet Ten, come to give us probes in uncomfortable places, at least, as soon as she's finished affixing invisible bar codes to us all. It's been a thousand years since Earth has been conquered, but the cities are still intact? Okay, I can live with that. It's been a thousand years since Earth has been conquered, and great bloody piles of military equipment, jets, fuel, and nuclear bombs are just sitting around, in perfect working order, despite the fact that nobody has been maintaining them for aeons? What? And those cave-guys learned to kick a great deal of ass in just seven days on that millenia-old flight simulator...
But you see, even if the original material sucked, the writers chose to stick to it when they did the script. If Hollywood can make Jim Phelps the criminal mastermind in Mission: Heresy, then they can for damn sure toss out the egregious tripe in this one. Oh, wait. This movie was entirely bankrolled by the Scientologists, who are not only stupid enough to make this atrocity in the first place, but are even planning a sequel. The only way this movie could possibly do well is if all the Scientologists go to it, which would do them a world of good, because, you know, if anything can make you realize just how bad Elron's writing is, it's having to sit through this fetid mound of horse droppings. If you ever want to deprogram one of those poor blighters, just make them watch this thing. If they can sit there with a straight face and tell you it was good, then, quite frankly, write 'em off. They're beyond help.
The movie did one, and only one, thing right. When the homeworld of the evil aliens detonates, it doesn't have that damn concentric ring around it like every other stupid explosion in space does. One minute of intelligence doesn't measure up very well, however, compared to the one hundred and nineteen minutes of pain it's wrapped up in.
If you are still thinking - how bad could it possibly be - I leave you with this closing thought. When I went to see Pokemon, the mere thought of a delay - a delay! - in getting to see the movie nearly started a riot of audience members. When we were delayed for this bad movie, however... it took me about five minutes to even get up out of my seat to go check and see if we'd actually get to see it, I was so unenthused. Most of the audience just sat there, quietly. Maybe they'd get to see the movie... maybe they'd just eventually drift off to sleep, lulled by whiny pop singing. Either way, two hours of their lives were being put to a complete and total waste.
In the mighty fortress of Luxembourg, Heero is finally given the smack-down by the Mobile Dolls, and can only wait for them to finish him off. But wait! To the rescue come a squad of Treys Faction soldiers, who kamikaze their Leo suits into the Mobile Dolls to save Heero. One of the soldiers survives long enough to ask Heero to protect Treys... Heero notices a small, unassuming castle near-by, where presumably Treys is holed up.
Meanwhile, Duke Dermaio gets a report about how the presence of Gundam 01 has allowed the Treys Faction to hold out against the assault. Well, gee, the Duke says. Here's a new and original plan - send in reinforcements from the surrounding areas. The minion, stunned at the unusual plan, hesitates a moment and then scurries off. Duke Dermaio muses that Treys and the Gundams are both highly symbolic to the people opposing the Foundation, and mustn't be allowed to ally with each other.
Heero, meanwhile, wanders around in Treys' castle for a bit, before finally encountering the arch-villain in a giant library. Treys just wants to talk, which confuses Heero and keeps him from shooting. They have a long discussion, with Treys insisting his battle is over, but that he wants to see what the Gundam pilots are made of. He believes, after all, that a dedicated warrior is one of the purest things in existance. He points out that Heero doesn't know for certain who his enemies are right now... but he has something that can fix that... Treys shows off his toy to Heero - the Gundam Epyon. This, says Treys, will show the pilot his enemies... and his future. There's no future for him, and he wants to see what the Epyon shows Heero...
Meanwhile, up in space, OZ is making another attempt to blow up Wing Zero. Three mobile suits are out rigging it with explosives... but then Zechs shows up. It seems his backers thought that the Wing Zero might come in handy... It turns out to be a trap, of course, as hordes of Mobile Dolls show up. Taurus suits, too... although they have less powerful shields and guns, they're much more maneuverable than the Virgo. The sheer number of them finally overwhelms Zechs, though, as the Talgese is simply not mighty enough to fend them all off.
Zechs bids the Talgese farewell as its battered by the Taurus dolls, and bails out, going out for a swim in the depths of space. At least he has a space suit on... As the Talgese explodes, the baffled OZ commander notices Zechs is going for the Wing Zero. The commander smirks a bit, waits for Zechs to get in, then sets off the explosives remotely. Clearly, he's not been watching the show so far, as, predictably, the explosives do absolutely nothing. Zechs spends some time remarking on the power level of the Wing Zero. And then he blows everyone up. Yay, explosions!
Zechs' backer notes, observing this, that Zechs is strong enough that he can probably avoid all the problems with the Zero System...
Heero, meanwhile, hops into the Epyon and heads off. Treys disabled the detonator to keep him from being a moron, and gave him some hints which made absolutely no sense whatsoever. The Epyon transforms (it's not just a Gundam, it's a Transformer!) into a dragon-like thing and heads off... The Treys Faction members, meanwhile, are finally being crushed by truly overwhelming numbers of Mobile Dolls and OZ forces. The leader complains about this a bit, until the Epyon shows up. Then he just looks baffled. Which he shouldn't be, as the Epyon starts blowing up Mobile Dolls, with the traditional anime method of zipping by, as the enemies suddenly show big blazing cuts and explode. It's Tradition! About then, of course, Heero starts to go quite, quite mad. He sees some OZ Leo suits, which actually have people in them, and wrestles with himself a moment before caving in utterly to the Epyon. It's just like the Wing Zero, he has time to think... then he kills everyone. On both sides. Oops.
The battle complete, Heero limps back to Treys castle and staggers out of the Epyon. Treys wonders what he saw... but decides, his little test complete, that they should both die. Or probably he's just toying with Heero again. He offers Heero a gun... but Heero just says he doesn't have the right to kill Treys, and decides to have a nice lie down...
Rant 'o the day contains no additives, preservatives or alien spores of any kind. Use only as directed. Do not expose to direct sunlight. Do not fold, spindle, multilate or remove identifying tags. Handle with care. Contains less than 3% milk fat by weight, not by volume. Certified 'Syndicate Approved'. Squeeze the lemon. Remember, kids, only users lose drugs.
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