6-5000 involves Jeff Goldblum and a bunch of other people trapped in a really bad monster movie, which can't, until the end, seem to decide wether the monsters are really monsters, or just mis-understood. Goldblum and his sidekick are sent to Transylvania to investigate a sighting of Frankenstein's monster (yes, in Transylvania). There, they discover a "monster theme hotel", with a butler named Igor and a servant type who's, um, Kramer from Seinfeld. These two characters have their characteristic schticks slowly, painfully, agonizingly beaten to death in scenes that drag on longer than any watcher should be forced to endure. As we continue, we find that a mad doctor has, imprisoned in his dungeon beneath the hotel, all the classic movie monsters! The wolf-man! The mummy! Vampirella! (...vampirella?) A twisty guy! Frankenstein's Monster! Then the movie wrenches ninety degrees, and we discover that the doctor is really a nice person, who's only completely insane when he gets into his laboratory. And the monsters are just, you know, mis-understood people who look odd, despite having clearly shown super-human powers earlier in the movie. It's sad when the best part of the movie is Geena Davis chained to a wall while dressed as Vampirella. But still.
Oh, great, a Relena episode. Just what I always wanted.
Relena and her father are on a shuttle to the colonies, along with Une and a few other Specials goons. Une tries to make small talk with Relena's father but is rebuffed. Relena peers out the window, which draws a comment from her father about how she should never forget how beautiful Earth is. Une mutters to herself that they should get a good look, 'cuz they'll never see it again. She's the villain, in case you didn't know.
The shuttle docks and everyone gets shuttled off to a diplomatic thingie. Seems Earth's getting a bit snippy about these Gundams running around, and is pressuring the colonies for answers, which the diplomats don't seem to have.
We check in with our various other Gundam pilots. Duo's gotten his Gundam fixed up, just in time for his next mission. Wu Fei's beating up random people. Heero's getting another mission assignment - in his dorm, no less. Trowa's saying good-bye to Quatre, who begins pining immediately. Whoa, there, fella...
Zechs and Noin are taking a look at Zechs' Gundam, still under reconstruction. Noin is somewhat suspicious that this one will ever be effective, but Zechs is confident that this prototype can be turned into something capable of whupping butt.
On the colony, Une tries to sit in on the diplomatic meeting, but is pestered into leaving. She wanders out, but leaves a surprise on a table outside the meeting room, a bomb concealed in a little make-up thingie. Relena wanders by a bit later, tells her father she's going out, and then notices the make-up thingie. Recognizing it as some of Une's kipple from the shuttle, she picks it up and wanders off to return it. Sure enough, Une and crew are waiting out side, when Relena comes happily ambling up and hands her the bomb. Une loses her cool and hurls the bomb back at the building, managing to send it through the window of the meeting room and blowing up everyone anyway. Relena runs back in, followed by two of Une's minions.
Sure enough, Relena's father is dying, but some other people are carting him off. Relena protests, and they cart her off as well, escaping in an armored van as assorted minions start shooting at them. Inside the van, the new people try to convince Relena they're not evil, despite comments that they can't take her father to the hospital, because Une's minions will be waiting. They also helpfully give Relena some drugs to "relax" her. Relena's father remains alive long enough, of course, to do a soap opera twist.
[Cue music and voiceover: "Like the cleaning of a house... It Never Ends."]
"Father! You shouldn't try to talk..."
"Relena... there's something... I must... tell you. I'm not... your
biological father..."
"What?!"
Yes, it turns out that Relena is really the daughter of the Peacecraft family, who were colony administrators reknowned for their pacifism. Naturally, they promptly got stomped on when the Earth Alliance decided to assert its authority, and Relena was rescued and raised by an Earth diplomat. Her adoptive father's dying words are to beware of OZ. Relena passes out... no, wait, she got drugged.
When Relena recovers from her drug-induced hallucination, she discovers the Secret Organization physicians pronouncing that her father is, in fact dead. Er, destroyed. Er, wait, what? Relena blames the Secret Organization, but they protest it's not their fault, and they're really sorry about all this. They tune in to Une giving a press conference blaming them for the explosion and kidnapping, which irritates them, especially when she promptly uses it as an excuse to suggest Earth ought to get "involved" in the colony's affairs. Relena steals a gun from one of the people who rescued her (once again showing the keen intellect that's made her who she is today) and tries to bluff her way out of their hideout, swearing that she'll get revenge for her father. But wait, they protest. The Specials will destroy her! She doesn't care if she /is/ destroyed! (And thinks back to Heero threatening to destroy her...) KILL! The word you want is KILL! That's not hard, is it?! Relena figures out, from these guys dislike of the Specials and OZ, that they're probably the ones who sent Heero. She points this out, and a Mysterious Doctor (tm) comes up from behind to ask her how she knows that name.
Meanwhile, Zechs watches Une's broadcast, and makes an off-hand comment about Relena. Noin wonders about this, but Zechs abruptly leaves, making her wonder just what he's hiding this time (and wishing he'd take that dumb hat off).
In a car in the colony, the Doctor (who has a weird cybernetic arm and insists on being called Dr. J for no clear reason) explains the plot to Relena - Heero was raised from birth to be an assassin, why? because they needed someone to go around and kill people. He was given the name of a heroic colony leader who was killed by OZ. The colonies were built by scientists and other free-thinking Heinlein-esque types (at this point, we get lots of random shots of the colony's circular city interior - just hum your favorite theme from the Babylon 5 soundtrack during this part) and built up over a hundred years into a nice place to live. Heero's namesake was the only one who could herd all these free-thinking types into a semblance of unity, and once he died, no-one else could unite the colonies, and Earth promptly moved to start taking them over. Dr. J explains that his organization is opposed to OZ's quest to take over all of human space, and has deployed Heero to obliterate OZ's minions, the Specials. But they're only kill... er, destroying, the BAD people. Honest! Bullpuckey!
Newly clued in, Relena nods thoughtfully. Heero, Dr. J tells her, is really a kind-hearted type (exCUSE me?!) but very... motivated about his mission. He recommends she stay the heck away from Heero. Yeah, right. Like she'll even listen. Dr. J, his exposition complete, drops her off at a place where she can be spirited back to Earth.
Back on Earth, Heero lays waste to hapless Alliance forces. Cue stock footage. Duo promptly shows up and does likewise, then the two decide to fight each other. Why? Because they're MORONS, that's why. Heero fires... and blows away an Alliance mobile suit that was sneaking up on Duo. How do you sneak up on someone in a giant robot? Well, if they're a moron, it's easy. Heero remarks that now they're even, and takes off.
Duo, of course, swears revenge anyway.
Relena heads back to Earth in a shuttle, thinking about Heero. To be in looove...
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