It's better than Cats
Well, tonight I will return to my apartment, at last, as my parents have
returned from their research conference in New Orleans, city of debauchery.
I'd envy them, but being important scientific types, they didn't get the
opportunity to actually do very many New Orleansy things. Except partake
of the local cuisine, and buy Mardi Gras beads, and that sort of thing.
They were even good natured about returning to find many things burned out
in the house (upon more detailed examination, we found that a surge had
apparently come down the cable line, too, with the result that one of our
TV's was burned out, and the VCR (which had enough headaches with its little
Y2k bug) might also be having difficulties). It wasn't my fault!
I wish I could talk about work more. But apparently this is a naughty
thing. SEC rules, and all. So, instead, in the weeks to come, I shall have
to gripe merely about the glories of life (and, as March starts, the
amusement of japanese animation).
Over the period of my evening netlessness, I was forced, kicking and screaming,
to watch MST3K's "Cave Dwellers". Well, okay, I intended to watch it anyway.
But still. In any case, it was a film of might, pulsating with good ol'
B-movie wackiness. Such as the fact that about five minutes into the movie,
the director, who is obviously greatly enamoured of the mightiness of the
main hero (Ator! That handsome stranger with pecs like melons and knees of
fringe!) to launch into a long, sprawling, completely irrelevant flashback
digression detailing Ator's past accomplishments and such, which easily could
have provided material for another movie entirely. Indeed, they might well
have. Not to mention the dynamite and the hang-glider that the hero
produces seemingly at will ("So, what, now he's discovered extruded aluminum
and spot-welding?"). Anyway, it was a fantasy epic that served as a grand
example for what not to do. If at all possible, seek it out.
One further thing of note - driving in to work today, I happened upon one
of the single dumbest songs I've heard recently. The chorus was, and I'd
like to stress I'm not making this up, "In the end, we're just mammals;
so let's do it like they do on the Discovery Channel". It's now official -
all the good lyrics have already been used up. I can only hope, and pray,
that this was done in jest, because if it was serious, which it was
presented as, we're all clearly doomed. Yeah, mention of animals rutting.
That's real romantic.
(Austin Powers voice: "Does this make you 'orny?")
And now, more shameless making fun of today's comics industry.
- Gen13 #50 - Veteran writer Lobdell tries at being funny. Really he does.
But his attempt at slapstick in this double-sides slushpile of a comic book
reads like... like... well, comedy. Not particularly good comedy, but comedy
nonetheless. You can practically hear the !mage fans screaming in revulsion
and horror with the turn of each page. Where's the angst, they wonder. Where's
the screams of pain, the blood. Probably over in the X-books. Instead, we get
the shameless taunting of !mage itself, of Lobdell in general, of two
formerly bad-assed villains in particular (One of whom laments "This never
happened when Alam Moore was writing me!" after getting booted in the head),
et cetera. Well, it's gone all the way to self-parody. Almost worth it just
to imagine all the screams of the people who actually used to like this one.
- JLA: Created Equal - Now, there was almost, almost, an interesting
plotline in this one. It did try. An interstellar plague wipes out all men
on Earth, except for Superman, who of course has to leave because he's
nonetheless infected, just not killed. This leaves scads of surly women with
super-powers to try and rebuild the Earth, using, ahem, samples from Superman.
Unfortunately, the male progeny of this, being surly manly types, chafe at the,
well, nice society that the female population of Earth have set up, which is
not aided by the fact that the women keep them under close supervision.
A boot to the head of the world is provided by Lex "I'm not quite dead yet!"
Luthor, who contacts these progeny of Superman and orchestrates a rebellion,
thus practically begging for someone to mention self-fulfilling prophecies.
Fortunately, Superman ambles back to save the world from getting its
collective ass kicked by a bunch of half-Kryptonian boys who've had enough
and aren't going to take it any more. There was almost a point in there
somewhere. Oh well.
- Mr Majestic #8 - Crap, crap, crappity-crap. They just couldn't
avoid it, could they. It wasn't enough to have a Superman riff with which
they could explore interesting themes and cliches and stuff. Nope, they
had to start taking things seriously, and getting all cosmic and meta-
physical. Suck-a-rama.
- X-Man #62 - Hey, Warren Ellis will be plotting this one next month. I
figured, hey, oughta at least check it out an issue beforehand. Boy, this
sucks. Nate Grey, uninteresting character extraordinaire (he's a telepath/
telekinetic! So is every other mutant, pretty much! He's related to Jean Grey
and Scott Summers! So are zillions of other mutants! He's from a dark
alternate future! See above!) futzes around in the prison mines under the
capitol of the Shi'ar Empire. Why? Why not? He escapes and confronts the
Shi'ar Empress, who's inexplicably put herself in a position to be pestered
by this twonk. He then solves the problem of the prisoners in the mines being
unduly repressed by telepathically cluing said Empress in to the conditions.
Yeah, right. Like she doesn't already know? Just once, I want to see someone
clue a villain into The Real Truth and have the villain say "Yeah, so? Your
point?". Warren Ellis, where are you! Help!
- Generation X #62 - Everyone's least favorite character gets an episode
all to herself where she hunts vampires. And nobody at all cares. Warren
Ellis, where are you? Help!
- Gold Digger v.2 #8 - Our Heroes face a giant, acid-filled blender.
Also, dragons. What more could you ask for?
Rant 'o the day contains no additives, preservatives or
alien spores
of any kind. Use only as directed. Do not expose to
direct sunlight. Do not fold, spindle, multilate or remove identifying tags.
Handle with care. Contains less than 3% milk fat by weight, not by volume.
Certified 'Syndicate Approved'. Squeeze the lemon. Remember, kids, only
users lose drugs.
THIS SPACE FOR RENT